To lose you in the snow
Chapter 2: Light My Fire
December 23rd
Beca sat by herself in the cabin, there was a mug in front of her, with coffee and whiskey. It was mostly whiskey. She was wearing thick winter fleece-lined jeans, a thermal black long undershirt, and a thick flannel red plaid shirt. The bags under her eyes spoke of misery and exhaustion. She had made the drive early in the morning from her apartment in New York. She made herself comfortable and even made a nice fire because it was starting to get chilly.
Why am I here? Seriously? I should be working right now. I can't believe I left my laptop behind.
Why did I think coming here by myself was going to be a good idea?
God, I feel so stupid right now.
Beca had planned to forgo her father's invitation to spend Christmas with him and her stepmother. She'd planned to avoid Christmas altogether and focus on her work. Which is what she'd been doing nonstop for months now. Her professional music career was starting to kick off but after what happened that night between her and Chloe, she decided to just throw herself into the work and even that failed to satisfy her anymore.
Music once filled her life with color. That was gone now.
She knew what this was about, she wasn't an idiot. She was avoiding. She was avoiding thinking about the kiss, thinking about Chloe, thinking about the million different ways that she could have handled that night. She needed to keep working, if she stopped working her brain would start up again. She couldn't afford to think right now. She couldn't afford to break down.
This was bad. To the unsuspecting eye, she looked like a very dedicated hard worker. But none of that work accomplished anything. Because most of the time she'd spend hours and hours on a track and then would delete the whole thing because it wasn't quite right, quite perfect. She slept maybe 2-3 hours a night and was slowly becoming addicted to energy drinks. She was going nowhere, fast.
She kicked herself she wasn't supposed to be letting her feelings squander her opportunity.
So when she finally broke down, it was in front of her old boss Michael, from when she was an intern at Residual Heat. He was in town and wanted to grab a cup of coffee. She picked a trendy café close to the studio where she worked. When they sat down with their iced coffees, he was as awkward as she was but once again, he extended his hand to help her. She just wished she didn't look exactly how she felt. No amount of concealer could hide the exhaustion on her face.
"All right, Beca, I see you, OK? I see you and it's obvious that you are going through a tough time. You want to talk about it?"
Beca smiled at the fact that her former boss was using her actual name this time, he wasn't calling her Reggie anymore, and that meant a lot to her. "I, uh, I don't, I mean no I'm OK, just haven't been sleeping great."
"Girl, please, who you think you fooling? You know what's a big part of what we do? Managing emotions, managing the emotions of the talent, we predict them, we manage them, and we channel them. We see it all the time, you'll see it too soon. So don't kid a kidder. What is it? Love trouble? Is it love trouble? Boy trouble? Girl trouble? Hey, no judgment whatsoever here."
Beca wanted to resist and deflect and shut down, all of her signature moves. But instead, she decided to take her shot, again.
"It's girl trouble," she said in a soft quiet voice. She didn't want to look up and meet his gaze.
He nodded a little too vigorously and said, "Uh-huh, uh-huh, OK that's cool, totally cool. Girl trouble, no judgment, total safe space. I'm a huge ally. So OK so tell me about her? What's she like?"
Beca wasn't sure how to answer that. What was Chloe like? The Sun? That felt like a fair comparison, she was so beautiful, and her rays of sunshine brought life, and without it, the planet would darken, it would freeze, and ultimately die.
Fuck I'm being so extra right now.
Chloe was selfless, she always placed others' needs over hers. She took care of her and the rest of the Bellas when the world around them crumbled, she rallied them, made plans, and even made sure they were fed. Chloe was committed and loyal, so committed to her craft, to her sisters, and to her love for music that she purposely failed a class multiple times just so she could be there for them. Chloe was forgiving and just so caring that the many times Beca shut down, lashed out, and put up barriers she patiently waited for her. Chloe cared for her while giving her space, and somehow simultaneously she'd torn through all of her walls, and seen the real version of herself. The one she never wanted anyone to see. She told him all of this in not so many words.
Her old boss sat there, taking in everything Beca had just rambled in a frenetic panic.
Beca cried. She wasn't sure exactly when she started to cry. But she knew that it was the first time in months. She cried in front of her old boss, of all people. He was being kind and understanding, though clearly this wasn't how he expected the reunion with his protégé to go. He wasn't sure what to do and opted for a gentle pat on her hand.
"I'm sorry," Beca said. "I can't believe I'm crying right now, this is so not me, like at all."
"Hey, listen, it's OK to cry Beca. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that love in the music industry is an easy thing. It's not, it's brutal. I think it's worse for us than it is for actors. Love for us can be distracting, painful, and yes even wonderful. At this point in your career, it makes perfect sense to leave all that by the wayside and focus on your career, get yourself established."
That made sense to Beca, focusing on the job. Love can wait.
"But here's the thing about love Beca, and this is gonna be super cheesy, and if you tell anyone that I said this I'm going to make sure you never work in this industry for the rest of your life. Love is what drives us, Beca. It drives us in every way imaginable. Without love, we are nothing, music without love is just sounds, you know what I mean? I mean, it seems like you do, right? You haven't been working, right? Or at least like it feels like you haven't been productive?"
Beca smiled because he was right. Even though she was working overtime, she was making nothing. She'd create new mashups, write original songs, sing, then mash some more, remix and record them, and then proceed to delete them and repeat the process all over again. Nonstop. The whole situation was ridiculous. She wasn't supposed to be like this. She wasn't supposed to let this mess stop her from making the music she once loved.
"I feel like I've been working so hard, and I've accomplished nothing. Like I've hit a wall. What- what can I even do really?"
"Beca at the end of the day that's your call but man, going by what you're telling me about her, she might be worth fighting for. Or at the very least get some form of closure or something."
"Closure?" Beca echoed but there was something in there that resonated. Worth fighting for.
"Whatever you do, just do something, don't just spin your wheels. Do something, get out of your apartment. It'd be a damn shame if you missed your shot because of this. Listen, you are talented, and this isn't like fake platitudes or any of that shit, I believe you've got a great future. Just do something."
"Thank you, I think I needed to hear that. I guess I wished I could just forget."
"You've been trying to forget for months now right? Hasn't been working out? Maybe it's time to do something different. Go on a trip or something, just do something Beca."
Beca nodded and smiled, brushing the last of the tears off her face. The rest of their time together passed with at least some semblance of normality. Her old boss was on firmer ground once he could just talk about himself. He filled Beca in on his new projects and shared some industry gossip. Beca nodded at the appropriate times but all she could hear were those three words on repeat in her brain. Worth fighting for.
When they finished their drinks and the afternoon was winding down into the evening, they got up and exchanged an awkward handshake.
"Merry Christmas Beca. Or Happy Holidays, whatever."
"Same?" Beca replied but he'd already headed out the door.
As Beca walked back to her car a plan began to form. They still had the place in Upstate New York booked for Christmas. Maybe spending Christmas in a cabin in the middle of nowhere might be just what she needed.
Back at her apartment, Beca emailed HR requesting some time off work and didn't really care if they responded or not, she started packing. She usually packed light but decided against it, she vaguely remembered hearing about the potential for snow in a few days. She also made a very important decision, she would leave her laptop. She didn't know what would happen in the cabin, but she knew that she wanted to do something different. If she brought the laptop she knew she would start avoiding again.
That night Fat Amy made an unexpected appearance.
"Anyone home?"
"Fat Amy! I thought you went back home for the holidays" Beca said in surprise as she came around the corner to greet her roommate.
"Hey Baby Dingo, glad to see you are doing something other than staring at your computer like a zombie." Fat Amy ignored the inquiry about her plans, a girl has to have her secrets after all.
Fat Amy had first front seats to the aftermath that was the fight between Chloe and Beca after the USO tour, she saw Beca slowly deteriorate in front of the computer, and no matter what she'd say or do she couldn't peel her away. It worried Fat Amy a great deal but what could she do? She had tried everything she knew, at one point Beca had even thrown one of her Doc Martin Boots at her, and those were heavy. Ultimately Fat Amy decided to give her space. She'd be here for her when she was good and ready.
"Yeah, I've decided that I need a change of scenery so I'm going to go to the cabin."
"Fucking finally." Fat Amy thanked the heavens in a very dramatic fashion. She doesn't do subtle.
"Gotta do something. What about you? Shouldn't you be on a plane right now?"
"Something is better than nothing short stack. I wanted to but I'm meeting up with Bumper, he's back from Germany, figured why not?"
"Why not?" Beca narrowed her gaze, she wasn't stupid, she knew her friend missed Bumper. While she may have been avoiding by working, Fat Amy was avoiding by going scorched earth. She barely got to see her in the evenings.
"Yeah why not, its not like I miss him or anything, I just don't have anything else going on."
"Fat Amy…" Beca knew she was the last person to talk about anything in matters of love but it had just slipped out.
"Yes?"
"You know I bought you your flight right?"
"And for that I'm eternally grateful."
"I don't care about the money dude, just be straight with me."
Fat Amy wasn't one to shy away from a fight and she knew just where to land a hit. "Like you are with yourself?"
"Low blow dude." Beca's mouth dropped and nodded, that hurt but she was right. She was being a hypocrite and she hated it.
"Look I'm sorry alright, you know how I get when you come at me, I bring the thunder." It wasn't an apology.
"Whatever, I'm sorry, it's really none of my business." She was right, Beca had no business intruding in the life of her friend, much less after having been absent for months.
Fat Amy could see the hurt in her friend's eyes, maybe she punched a little below the belt this time. "OK fine, I'm really sorry, I just- it's been a while. I wanna know how his stupid mushy face is doing alright?"
"That's fair." Beca decided not to throw stones at glass houses.
"You wanna see her stupid mushy face too?"
"That's not exactly the terminology I'd use when talking about Chloe's face..."
Beca paused she could sense herself becoming snarky, detached, and regressing. Was it that hard to admit it? To admit to one of her oldest and closest friends that yes she wants to see her.
"I-uh yes, I want to see her face." Beca finally admitted it had been difficult and her voice had wanted to quit on her, but she got the words out, that's what mattered. No turning back now.
"There, was that so hard?"
"Shut up Amy," Beca said softly but she was smiling. She'd felt silly, it had been hard. But worth it, because she also felt just a little bit lighter.
"You leaving tonight?"
"Yep, taking the Subaru and heading north, should be there by morning."
"Oh ok, so I can…"
"Yes you can have Bumper over, just stay out of my room."
"Sure, sure."
"No, Fat Amy, my room is off-limits! Very expensive equipment in there OK?" Beca warmed, she remembered the last time she left for a few days and one of her very expensive and very German speakers had been covered in honey for some unholy reason.
"Fine, fine, but hey listen since I won't see you again until after the holidays here, Ta-Da."
Fat Amy sang as she pulled out a big box wrapped in colorful Christmas wrapping paper and decorated with a bow. The box itself was big and heavy but judging by the ease that which Fat Amy was wielding it, Beca guessed it couldn't be that heavy.
"Oh wow, Amy you shouldn't have," Beca said as she took the box, and almost immediately fell under the weight. She guessed wrong. What the hell is in here?
"Oh? Should I take it back? Cuz I can just keep it." Fat Amy went to grab the box again.
"No, no you really had to, or did you forget I bought you your flight to the land of kangaroos. I haven't even seen a kangaroo yet!"
"You sure? I'm happy to take it back."
"I'm sure, you also ruined my Focal Kanta No. 3, it was 8 grand Amy."
"When are you going to let that go?" They bickered back and forth. And for a second, their banter made her feel happy, it made her feel normal. Normalcy felt foreign.
Fat Amy made it a point to say give Beca a long and body-crushing bear hug. As Beca was lifted with ease she tried her face to keep a straight face and complain. But this had actually been the first time in months since she'd been held by anyone really, and she wondered why she was always so resistant to it because it felt so fucking good to be held. Once they said their goodbyes she packed up the Subaru. But before she drove away, Fat Amy told her not to open the present until Christmas. Beca had long since learned to just go with the flow when it came to Fat Amy's shenanigans. You live longer that way.
There were a million times during the drive that she wanted to turn around but once she made it to the cabin she was taken by the beauty of the place. The lake was right there, the surface of the water frozen over. It was beautiful. A thought she'd been avoiding popped up. Chloe had been right, it was a goddamn Christmas postcard.
And there it was again, Chloe's name. The name she'd been avoiding for months. She'd been trying so hard not to think about her. Maybe coming here was a stupid idea, everything about this place reminded Beca of Chloe. She could just picture her right now, gushing over the lake, over the snow, and how it felt like a dream come true. Beca remembered being forced into watching multiple Christmas Movie marathons with Chloe. They'd cuddle under a thick throw, drink cocoa spiked with Bailey's, and eat cookies. Chloe loved those movies, it was endearing. She remembered one movie in particular A Miracle on 34th Street. She didn't know what it was about that one but it stuck with her. She sighed. Emotions were starting to creep back into her life.
Do something, Michael had said.
I'm so tired. I need to stop fighting it. That's doing something right?
OK here it goes, I'm done fighting it. Think about her. Beca closed her eyes and let the thoughts she'd been blocking flood her. A million images of Chloe rushed at her before settling on one: Chloe here with her. How Chloe would look in front of the lake, her cheeks flushed, her nose a little red, snowflakes falling around her, the picturesque contrast between her blue eyes and the lake. Beca's breathing was starting to get agitated. She'd read somewhere that heartbreak is more than just emotional pain, it has a physiological component to it. At that moment Beca felt it. Like something was crushing her chest. She grimaced from the pain but stayed with it.
This really hurts.
Beca knew that if she were here Chloe would just have the widest, cutest, sincerest smile ever. Beca rubbed her temple as her eyes were starting to water.
"I really fucked that up."
This was a bad idea. This was really going to hurt and she wondered if she could take it. She took a sip of her whiskey with coffee. It was warm, and comforting, with just the right amount of bite. She missed Chloe. I'm so tired of pretending I don't.
She got up and walked to the window. She wanted to see the lake again. She wanted to see a blue clear enough to remind her of Chloe's eyes, even if most of it was iced over. The blizzard was picking up outside and she didn't have much visibility. Stupid storm. She was just barely able to make out a figure collapsed a few yards from the cabin. The mug shattered on the floor as she ran out the door.
"Drop the bag," the voice demanded. Chloe's body complied; she didn't have any strength left. "Try and pull yourself forward with the rope. We can make it, just don't give up! Pull!"
We can make it? she thought to herself. There was hope there.
"We can make it!" Beca shook Chloe, trying to bring her back. Just keep swimming Chloe, she's here, we can make it.
Beca pulled them forward, one hand and one foot forward at a time. She pulled as hard as she could. Beca had tied Chloe and herself to the guardrail in front of the cabin so they wouldn't get lost. Beca was wearing snowshoes and it made it easier for her to move forward.
"Don't go to sleep, we are almost there Chloe! I need you!"
She needs me. Chloe thought to herself. Beca needs me.
"You are not going to die here! I won't let you!"
Death in the freezing snow was something Chloe hadn't even considered as a possibility. Death? What about Mom? I can't die, Mom would be so sad, I'm all she has left... and Beca would be sad too wouldn't she?
She couldn't die.
She wouldn't die yet.
But everything went black and the last thing she heard was Beca screaming her name. At least she got to hear her, one last time. She loved Beca's voice so much, even when it sounded in pain.
There was nothing here, just darkness and fear. Chloe wanted to say something, but no words came out. It was cold.
Suddenly somewhere in the deep darkness, a small ball of light appeared. Chloe wanted to see that light closer. She wasn't sure how, but she moved towards it. The darkness slowly dissipated. She could feel warmth but it was still so distant. The ball of light turned into a small candle.
She could feel tightness around her. It was comforting.
"Come back, please!" The voice was so faint, it was almost inaudible. She could just make out that it was Beca's voice.
"Please, please, please Chlo, wake up."
There was so much pain in that voice. She wanted to reach for the voice and comfort it, but she couldn't even see her hands in the darkness. She wanted to be closer to the candle where it was warm.
"Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up Chloe."
I want to wake up, I want to see her. Why can't my eyes open Beca?
"Don't do this to me, don't do this Chloe. Please just wake up."
I want to, I want to so much. I can hear you but it's so dark here. I can't see you. Where are you Beca? Beca I'm scared.
"Chloe… please wake up, please don't leave me.
After a pause, Beca's strained voice came alive. It took Chloe a moment to realize she was singing. Singing just for her.
"I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose." Beca's voice became clearer in the darkness. It was their song, the first song Chloe had ever heard Beca sing. The first song they sang together, the melody and the lyrics carried the emotional weight of their history, their first encounter, their first party, the retreat. All of those little moments where their closeness teetered on the edge of friendship and something more. Moments where more than once Beca had pulled away out of fear because to risk losing her best friend was simply unthinkable.
This song, to Chloe, had been a perfect metaphor for how she'd felt towards Beca.
Titanium is not the strongest element on earth. Rigidity does not equal strength. There is strength in flexibility and that's why titanium is an important element. It can even withstand the abuse from Space and the depths of the Ocean. Titanium is resilient.
Chloe would be titanium now. No matter how many times you turned me down, no matter how many walls you put between us. I will persist. I may bend but I will not break. Chloe took those lyrics to heart.
Beca for you I am titanium. Chloe could hear the suffering in Beca's voice, and it broke her.
"Fire away, fire away. Please, God! Wake up, Chloe!" Beca continued to sing softly. Beca wished she'd been titanium herself, she wished she had been stronger.
Chloe had never wanted to sing so much in her life, but no matter how hard she tried nothing came out, it felt like her vocal cords were frozen. She could see the lyrics in the darkness, just above the lit candle.
"Ricochet, you take your aim. God please Chloe, please…" Beca continued as she pleaded to the heavens or whoever.
I want to sing with her. Please let me sing with her even if it's for the last time. Chloe pleaded. The lyrics continued to appear above the candle, some ghostly apparitions that felt warm and familiar. They felt like love.
"Fire away… fire away." Beca was losing the will to fight, she was tired, so tired, she wanted to quit and just cry. She went quiet, she was sobbing into Chloe's cold chest. It wasn't working, nothing was working, Chloe just wasn't moving, and Beca was breaking. Please, Chloe, I can't do this alone. I need you. God, Goddess, whatever please help me. I know I've never prayed before, but please… help Chloe. Please help Chloe.
"Chloe, I need you, please if you are in there, just sing with me. Come on. You shoot me down, but I won't fall." Her voice was strained and broken between sobs. Then she felt Chloe's throat move slightly. Hope swelled in her heart.
"I am titanium, come on Chloe, I know you are in there." Beca's voice was painful and melodic. That pain in her tone was the hand that stretched through the darkness and out of the candle, it stretched its fingers inviting, it offered itself to Chloe.
Chloe could see the hand, it was pain and melody and she took it. It dragged her through the candle.
"Y-you sh-shoot me d-down." Chloe's voice was struggling, shaking even her words felt frozen. "B-but I won't... fall."
Beca's eyes opened wide, her tears flowing freely, and she wanted to wipe them away but that didn't matter. Nothing mattered just the redhead she was holding onto for dear life.
"Chloe," she begged. "I am titanium," she sang, and Chloe joined just at the very end. Her eyes were fluttering, slowly, tentatively opening. "Chloe! I am-"
"I am titanium." Chloe's voice came out a bit clearer, it was easily the most beautiful voice she'd ever heard in her life. Chloe's eyes slowly opened, they were dry and as clear as water and they met Beca' deep blue gaze, there were tears. Beca tightened her embrace. Chloe, oh god. She burst, so much pain, so much longing, so much relief. She buried her face against Chloe's chest. Thank you, Universe, you've given her back to me.
"B-Beca I'm so cold."
"Oh Chlo, I know I'm so sorry." She held on so tight, that she never wanted to let her go.
"I'm- I'm the one- that's-that's sorry Becs."
"Don't speak Chlo, save your strength, I'll keep you warm."
You always have. Chloe thought to herself; you have no idea how much you've kept me warm Beca.
They lay there, Beca still not letting go, softly humming the rest of the song, her eyes tightly shut, her tears slowly drying. Chloe slowly realized Beca was pressed hard against her. She was trying to warm her using her body heat. Beca could hear Chloe's heartbeat, it was getting steadier and stronger. And it was the most beautiful music Beca had ever heard in her life. She could feel her love of music coming back.
Beca who has mostly been running on gas station coffee, whiskey, and basically no sleep, had used every inch of strength in her body to drag Chloe inside the cabin. She dragged her into her bed took off her and Chloe's clothes and embraced her beneath every blanket she had. She was sharing her body heat. Beca had never been so frightened in her life. When her naked body pressed against Chloe's it was so cold that it hurt her, but she held on regardless.
"Y-you came for me?" Chloe's voice trembled, she was still freezing, the coldness had reached the very core of her bones. Chloe thought she'd be cold for the rest of her life.
But the lit candle that was Beca was slowly and surely warming her back to life.
Beca had finally stopped crying and she hated the fact that the dampness of her tears wasn't helping the situation.
"Come on Chloe, I will always come for you."
"But y-you risked your life, for me?" Chloe felt a mixture of disbelief, surprise, appreciation, and love.
"Save your strength, Chloe," Beca pleaded. She wanted Chloe to just get better, even if that meant she wouldn't be able to listen to her. "Just please get better." She buried her head in Chloe's shoulders. They held each other, the only light coming from the fireplace on the other side of the room.
"For what it's worth you would have done the same thing for me," Beca added. There wasn't a single shred of doubt in her statement.
"In a heartbeat," Chloe said instantly, she meant it. Beca smiled and vowed to herself that whatever happened, no matter what, and no matter how much time may pass, she would always be there for Chloe. No matter what.
"Beca I'm freezing." Chloe could feel her body shivering, trying to warm itself.
"Just give it time, I think… you had or have hypothermia or something, it can take some time. But it's OK, we have time. We don't have to go anywhere."
"Am I naked?" Chloe asked.
"Ah, yeah dude, I'm sorry I saw it in a movie and our clothes were wet and just- I didn't know what else to do, I panicked."
"Are you naked too?" Chloe asked, her whole body was recovering from numbness, and she could now make out that the warmth stemmed from Beca's bare skin. It felt delightful.
"Ah yes."
"That's hot," Chloe joked. Her voice was still struggling but she smiled.
Beca laughed a little into Chloe's chest, she wanted to cry again but this time it was because of sheer overwhelming happiness. She had her Chloe back and as God was her witness she wasn't going to let her go this time.
To Be Continued.