To lose you in the snow

Chapter 3: Hopefully tomorrow will be warm.

Outside of the cabin, the blizzard was getting worse.

Beca had drawn Chloe a warm bath and made her hot tea. Chloe could barely move and Beca used what was left of her strength to help her into the tub. Chloe gasped as her body was gently and carefully submerged in the warm water. It brought her back to life.

After a few minutes, her body started gradually warming, but her bones still felt cold, and she was trembling. She could feel her extremities regain sensation and it felt like pins and needles. Her muscles had been so tensed it hurt when they finally released. She hadn't realized how much her body ached. She wanted to rub her arms and shoulders, but her hands still felt clumsy and uncoordinated, and she didn't have any strength in her grip.

Beca, who was sitting on the edge of the tub, noticed Chloe struggling to rub her shoulders and immediately took over. Chloe moaned with pleasure and gave her full access to her slim neck and shoulders.

"Thank you." Chloe's voice was a bit weak. Talking hurt and her teeth were still softly chattering. Beca's fingers felt great, and she groaned softly at the gentle pressure.

"It's OK. Does it hurt?"

"A bit. Reminds me of that time at Aubrey's retreat, when she made us do all those crazy obstacles. Remember?"

Beca had to laugh. She remembered that day vividly, her muscles ached for days after. But she wouldn't change a single second of that weekend. She gently rubbed Chloe's shoulders.

"That feels really good Beca."

"Hypothermia is the worst. It's going to take a while for your um body to feel normal."

"Yeah, this helps."

"Here, drink your tea. You have to drink lots of warm liquids."

Beca helped her with the cup. It was raspberry herbal tea, Chloe's favorite. That small attention to detail was one of the things she loved about Beca. For all her posturing, Chloe knew that Beca was one of the most considerate people she had ever met. She'd make small mental notes about this kind of stuff and make it a point to never forget it.

"This might be the best tea I've ever had in my life," Chloe commented, the combination of tea and warm water bringing her back to her body.

Beca smiled. She wanted to say something snarky about near-death experiences, but she didn't have the energy for it. She was sad, relieved, scared, and happy. She honestly didn't know which way was up anymore. All she knew was that the only thing that mattered right now was Chloe's recovery.

"You saved my life Beca." Chloe's voice was low and shy; it was almost like she was saying that to herself. There was an inexplicable sadness there. She had a soft smile on her face, and she kept her eyes closed, enjoying Beca's touch.

"Dude, stop, I'm still like a bit freaked out, and I really don't wanna start crying again." Beca's voice cracked, but she tried her hardest to keep her composure.

Chloe grabbed Beca's hand and squeezed it as much as she could. She was regaining her strength.

"Ok, I- I just- thank you." There was so much more Chloe wanted to say, but she knew that it might make Beca feel uncomfortable. Truly anything she could say would be just the tip of the iceberg, she wouldn't even begin to know where to start. These last few months without her had been difficult, far more difficult than she thought was possible. It wasn't just because her heart had been broken, it was the fact that she also lost her best friend that day. And now, there was so much she wished she could say but words couldn't possibly convey its depth. She wished there was some way she could just transfer everything she felt, every emotion, and every thought she's had in the past couple of months. Maybe then Beca would fully understand just how much pain she'd been in, and how relieved she'd felt when she heard her through the blizzard.

Beca interrupted her thoughts. "Just do me a favor, and never scare me like that again. Please?" That last word in that sentence was soft, almost whispered, and broken. There was so much fear behind it.

"I promise," Chloe hoped.

After the bath, Beca helped Chloe get dressed in one of her pajamas and then tucked her in the bed. Chloe was feeling better, there was still a chill in her bones, and she felt her nose runny, she was getting a cold. That's just what she needed. Chloe didn't feel attractive right now, it was such a silly concept, but it nagged at her. Right now, she wanted to look her best for Beca.

Beca came back with a bed tray with hot chicken soup and toast. Beca was glad that she got a lot of groceries before coming up to the cabin.

"Thank you for taking such good care of me," rasped Chloe. She was definitely getting sick.

"Don't mention it, really don't mention it, I have a reputation to uphold. How are you feeling?" Beca said with a teasing smile as she sat on the other side of the bed.

"Much better, but my nose is stuffy, and my face feels warm."

"OK, I should, um- take your temperature."

Beca went to place her hand on Chloe's forehead but stopped, her hands were cold. She knew that it wouldn't work. She decided to try something different. Something her mother would do when she was sick. Beca leaned forward. "Oh." The sudden proximity made Chloe's heart skip a beat. And Beca placed her forehead on Chloe's taking her temperature. This was effective and Chloe was indeed coming down with a fever. Shit, that worried Beca, she wondered if there was a first aid kit in the cabin.

"I think you have a fever. You need rest and liquids. Here have some soup, it should help."

Beca spooned some soup and gently blew on it. She carefully fed it to Chloe. Chloe looked up, her blue eyes and her flushed complexion made Beca blush. She looked so cute to her right now. As Beca filled another spoonful she tried to find the right words to say but she was at a loss. She didn't know what she could say really. Chloe had almost died trying to come find her. Chloe had almost died. She felt the pang of tears wheeling on her chest, but she closed her eyes and took a deep breath, keeping the tears at bay. What can you say to that?

Please don't leave me again.

Let's never spend another second away from each other.

But she knew if she said that right now, she'd break. Right now, she had to be strong for Chloe. She couldn't afford to break down, she had to take care of her.

"I think if the storm lets up, we should take you to the hospital tomorrow. The Subaru can make the trek." In a perfect world, Beca would have taken her friend to the hospital right away, but she knew that going out in this weather could be catastrophic.

"Can you remind me to call Triple A tomorrow? My rental is stuck in a snowbank a mile away from here."

"Don't worry about that right now. All you have to do tonight is get better."

"OK," She opened her mouth to accept the soup and giggled.

"What's so funny?"

"I just can't believe you're actually spoon-feeding me soup," Chloe said with a big smile. No one other than her mom had spooned her food like this before. It was silly but endearing and she was just so grateful and opened her mouth expectantly.

"Would you rather do it yourself?" Beca said with a teasing smile, holding the spoon a few inches away from Chloe's mouth.

"No, I'm still weak from the snow and stuff" Chloe protested in a baby voice and opened her mouth begging for soup going "ah". Beca had to laugh at that and complied. She'd gladly feed her for the rest of her life if she could.

The soup was warm and delicious, with the perfect ratio of egg noodles, chicken chunks, and life-restoring salt. Chloe leaned back against the bed's headboard and closed her eyes. Her nose was so stuffy, and she had to part her lips slightly to breathe through her mouth.

After Chloe finished her soup, Beca left her side to look for a first aid cabinet. She finally found one in the empty pantry. The sight of the red box with a white cross was an instant relief. She desperately went to unclasp the rusty metal latch. It was empty. It was fucking empty. She lifted it and searched beneath it, around it. There had to be something somewhere. But there was nothing and she stared at the empty first aid kit in disbelief. She finally broke down.

Standing took so much strength from her and she had nothing left. She crouched and hugged her knees to her chest and just let go. Her sobs got louder. The stress, the fear and this frightening and unfamiliar profound wave of love just overwhelmed her. She had no idea what to do with this. She almost lost Chloe today, she could have died. And now Chloe was sick and there was nothing she could do about it.

The thought of losing her was unbearable. And Beca prayed once more for the second time in her life.

"Oh god, I don't know what to do. What can I do? Please just let the storm let up. Please let me take her to the hospital. I can't lose her again.

"Beca, Beca, where'd you go?"

Chloe sounded scared and it ignited something in Beca, the fight or flight reflex. For Beca this time it was a fight. She wiped away her tears and ran out. "I'm right here Chloe."

"Where'd you go?"

"Sorry Chlo, I was just- um- looking for something."Maybe she doesn't need to know. I don't want to scare her. Maybe tomorrow she'll feel better. Tomorrow the storm will let up, maybe tomorrow everything will be better.

"Oh, OK sit with me?" Chloe pleaded. "At least till I fall asleep?"

"Of course," Beca sat on the bed next to her. They both stared at the fire in the corner of the cabin, its flames danced and kept them warm while the wood burnt and cracked. Beca always found fireplaces and their scent soothing. But even that wasn't calming her nerves. Beca was worried to death about Chloe, the storm outside wasn't giving any sign of easing up. She was quiet and leaned her head on Chloe's shoulder.

This morning she was just sitting there feeling sorry for herself and the next thing she knew she found Chloe almost half dead in the snow. And now she was here, sitting next to her. She once again wanted to say something, anything, everything, but she worried that once she got started, she'd mess it all up again. She didn't have it in her to go through all of that pain again.

"You know what's crazy?" Chloe started; her voice was just a bit nasal enough to be adorable.

"Everything about this day?"

"Yes, there's that for sure. But tomorrow is Christmas Eve," Chloe said with a sad smile on her face as the reflection of the fire danced in her blue eyes.

"How about that? I must have forgotten." She hadn't.

"You forgot it's Christmas?" Chloe turned to Beca.

She looked at Chloe in the corner of her eyes. "No, Chloe, to be honest, I've been trying not to think about it."

"Should I… not bring it up?"

Beca considered that for a second and exhaled. The truth was Beca had not wanted to think about Christmas because of how much it reminded her of Chloe. Now that she was here, sitting next to her, she didn't know what to make of it. It still hurt but in a different way, in a way she couldn't quite understand.

"No, it's OK, at least I think it's OK now." Maybe now it would be OK to think about Christmas again.

Beca felt like her throat was stuck and she forgot how to breathe. Beca tentatively decided to be bold and vulnerable, and with her pinky finger, she touched Chloe's hand. Chloe gasped at the sudden touch and looked down. Beca was looking away trying her hardest to hide her blush. Chloe without a second of hesitation took Beca's hand and interlocked their fingers together. It was reassuring and Beca was finally able to relax. Her body had been running on stress and adrenaline.

This is OK. This is better than OK.

"What should we do for Christmas?" Chloe asked, wanting to talk about something cheerful.

"I- I don't know. What would you like to do."

Chloe was slowly falling asleep. She wanted to keep her eyes open but was fighting a losing battle. Then she said, "Maybe we can get a Christmas tree?"

Chloe was fighting sleep with everything she had.

"A tree?" Beca asked confused. Doesn't she know there's a blizzard happening outside?

Chloe hummed a soft "Uh-huh" She wanted to stay in this moment forever, holding Beca's hand in the warm cabin, sharing the same bed as the blizzard raged outside.

"I love Christmas trees, they were always my favorite part of Christmas." She wanted so much to stay awake, to talk more about Christmas trees and presents. She wanted to tell her about how she used to go with her father to pick out a Christmas tree. But exhaustion ultimately triumphed. And she fell asleep on Beca's shoulder, holding hands.

Beca squeezed Chloe's hand, she thought about how ridiculous the request was. A tree? In the middle of a blizzard? She shook her head and smiled it was a nice thought she'd admit. It'd be nice to have a tree and decorate it with Chloe. She knew she'd love that, and she wanted to make her smile. But she knew that going out there in this weather would mean risking life or limb. It was impossible.

Beca carefully tucked Chloe in and slipped into the other side of the bed. Facing away from Chloe. It didn't take long for the exhaustion of the day to catch up to her. The last thing she saw before falling into a deep sleep was a beautifully decorated Christmas tree with bright colorful lights, and Chloe standing next to it, beaming.

It was impossible, right?

To be continued.