To lose you in the snow
Chapter 4: Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.
December 24th
This was a bad idea; this was a really bad idea. Beca screamed at herself as she hastily made her way towards the nearest tree. Axe in hand. Daybreak had just started to peek its head on the horizon and thankfully the blizzard had let up just enough for it to be manageable to navigate. It was still snowing and Beca knew that it could turn on a dime. She needed to hurry. She went towards the smallest, greenest, and closest Noble Fir she could find. It was around 3 to 4 feet tall, and the stump wasn't very thick. She grabbed the axe. First time wielding an axe, very cool. How hard can it be? Just like lift over your head? Maybe?
The first swing went wild, she missed the mark entirely. Fuck she cursed as she lost her balance, spun and fell on her back, snowflakes falling on her goggles. She laughed a little. "This might be the stupidest thing you've ever done Beca." She groaned as she pushed herself off the snow. It was oppressive, and it made her feel heavy and numb, but she remained functional, she wore everything she found in the cabin.
"Come on Beca, just a few whacks and we go back, we can do this," she psyched herself up. This time she made contact with the stump "Yes!" She was lucky that the tree wasn't frozen, and the axe was able to make an indentation of a few inches. She celebrated until she noticed that she had a very long way to go. OK, but progress is progress.
"Few more come on."
The task had been more laborious than she had originally thought. She was breathing hard, and her shoulder felt sore, and her fingers numb. She tried her best to ignore it, to push past it. The task provided the opportunity to reflect.
Seriously why is cutting a tree this difficult, it's not even a big tree, it's like a baby tree. I can totally kill a baby tree. No biggie.
"Die baby tree!" She roared as she continued to administer haphazard blows. She was lucky she hadn't stuck herself with the axe head. Maybe let's try the other side? She was connecting more now, but her aim was still atrocious, the goggles and low visibility weren't helping her any. With each whack, she questioned her motivation and argued against herself. Because right now, she was chopping a tree, in below-freezing temperatures. It was ridiculous. It's time for some introspection Beca.
Why am I doing this again? Because Chloe wants a tree? Yeah, that's why. And because she's sick, and it's gonna cheer her up. That's what a friend does right?
Is that it?
Look at yourself, look at what you are doing right now. You are risking your life right now because she's your friend and she's sick? Or is it because you feel guilty?
Why would I feel guilty? Wait. Why do I feel guilty?
I feel guilty about what happened that night all those months ago. Because I kissed her right after she had just kissed Chicago. And then what did I do? I fucking bailed. That was a shitty thing to do.
"Real shitty Beca." She'd been so busy taking care of Chloe that she hadn't stopped to think about this. She knew she was avoiding again. She remembered almost immediately regretting the kiss, but also not really. It had been wonderful and when Chloe reciprocated her heart soared and exploded into a million colorful fireworks. So maybe she didn't regret it after all. But she had to admit that she could have chosen better timing.
She couldn't have helped it though. It had been automatic, like someone took the wheel and she was just a passenger in her own body. Besides he was kissing HER Chloe. She had no choice. She had to kiss her.
Her Chloe?
"My Chloe." She said out loud and with renewed vigor she let the tree have it.
I know I can be a shitty person. I don't want to be a shitty person. Maybe this tree will fix it. That's dumb. That makes no sense whatsoever. But it's something. I think I might spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to Chloe. And I think I'm totally OK with that. If she'll have me.
"If she'll have me. I'll get her as many Christmas trees as she wants."
The tree fell. It really wasn't a very big tree; it was just a few inches shorter than her. But to Beca, this was a hell of an accomplishment. She'd single-handedly taken down a tree with an axe. Which is something she'd never thought she'd do in her life.
OK, now to drag this thing back.
It wasn't a long trek; she'd been lucky to find a suitable tree a few feet from the cabin. But it was still a pain to drag it through the snow.
Chloe gently opened her eyes. She was feeling well-rested but could tell that her body was aching due to the illness. She yawned and stretched as much as she could. She instinctively searched for Beca on her side of the bed. But she wasn't there. She was alone.
"Beca?" Chloe asked the empty cabin. She couldn't see her. She tried to sit up, but she was still feeling a bit weak.
Beca was not in the cabin. She was alone, and she was starting to fear the worst. The fire was burning with vigor, it looked like someone had added some fresh logs recently. Beca's side was still warm so she couldn't have gone far. Chloe started to get up carefully, she was still fatigued from the cold. She tied the thick robe around herself and as she made her way to the window she tried to convince herself that everything was OK. Beca had to be nearby. She wouldn't just abandon her. Of course not. Not after they finally found each other after all those months. She leaned into the window, the storm had quieted down considerably, and she could see this time. She scanned the woods, but she couldn't find Beca. She went to move to another window, but there was nothing on this side either. She had no choice, she had to go outside. Illness be damned. She grabbed her beanie and scarf and bravely started to make her way towards the door.
She heard a loud thud coming from outside. Suddenly the cabin door flew open, bringing with it the cold, snow flurries, and Beca.
Beca was wearing every bit of snow clothes they had available and huffed hard as she backed into the cabin. She was dragging a 4-foot tree.
"Beca?"
Beca ran to close the door behind her. Chloe could see her chest heaving. Her mouth was wide open trying to take in a mouthful of air, but she was smiling, in her hands there was an axe. "That was tougher than I thought."
Chloe froze in place, taking in the scene. Beca had just gone out in the middle of the storm and chopped down a small tree. Why? "Beca, what did you do?"
"Umm, Merry Christmas?" Beca pointed at the tree with a proud smile on her face.
"You got us a tree?" Chloe paused for a moment, her hand just over her heart. It was pounding so hard right now. She vaguely remembered talking about a tree, it had been late, and she still had a fever. She was probably delirious; she certainly hadn't been serious. She had never wanted Beca to place herself in harm's way just for her sake, ever again. She was annoyed, moved, and upset, and in love and angry. She wasn't quite sure how to feel right now. So, she just stood there taking it all in. She'd gone into a blizzard and got her a tree because of something she said in a delirious state. Who does that? Who in their right mind does that?
Beca does that.
When Beca didn't have the words, she'd express herself through actions. That was her love language.
This was Beca's message "For you, I'll brave a blizzard, twice."
Chloe didn't see how she could really be mad at her for this. All she knew for sure was how much she wanted to hold her. So she grabbed Beca and held on to her with all the strength she had left in her body. Beca's clothing was cold and wet, but Chloe didn't care. She simply had to hold her, or she might melt onto the floor. "You scared the crap out of me."
"I'm sorry, I wanted it to be a surprise."
"You're such an idiot," she said into Beca's thickly covered ears.
"I can see why you'd reach that conclusion." But Beca had her arms wrapped around her waist too and she held her just as tightly and didn't want to ever let her go.
"What if you'd gotten hurt?"
"But I didn't," Beca replied being stubborn.
"But you could have Beca." Chloe sounded in pain. "Please don't ever scare me like that."
Beca considered this, she knew what she meant, she realized that Chloe was feeling exactly as she did when she saw Chloe in the snow. Chloe had been afraid of losing her, the same way she'd been scared to lose her in the snow. She's right, I'm an idiot.
"OK, you're right, I'm sorry." She pressed her head against Chloe's shoulder.
"I can't believe you went out there in this weather and got us a tree."
It had been difficult, dangerous, and stupid, Beca admitted but how else was she supposed to express how she felt? Words? She wasn't quite ready for words yet.
Beca tucked Chloe back in bed and promised to get breakfast started for her. She struggled to lean the tree against the corner. She used a bucket of sand meant to put the fire out, to keep the tree in place, it worked, a little crooked but it worked.
Once she was satisfied with the tree's position she got to work on breakfast. Since it was Christmas Eve, she decided to make a massive breakfast with eggs, bacon, toast, oatmeal, tea, and coffee.
They sat on the bed and ate together. It was pleasant, it felt like a bit of normalcy was finally settling. After breakfast, they checked their phones. The signal was still down and the message about the storm was still flashing.
"Do you think the storm will be over soon?" wondered Chloe.
"I don't think so, sometimes you get lulls like this, they can be tricky, and people will get overconfident and get stuck out there."
"Kinda like how you got overconfident and risked getting stuck out there," Chloe teased while elbowing Beca.
"Yeah… like that. You ever gonna let that go?" Beca could feel her old self coming back, the old self that still had Chloe in her life. She likes that version better.
"Not likely. But do you think we'll be OK? I've never seen a blizzard like this." Chloe sounded worried.
"It can't snow forever." Beca shrugged.
"I hope so."
They decided to distract themselves by decorating the tree. Chloe still wasn't feeling well but she insisted on sitting at the table with Beca and helping with the decorations. They didn't have a lot to work with, but they had plenty of paper and scissors, so they had fun making paper decorations. Chloe knew how to fold the paper and make very intricate snowflakes, which impressed Beca. Beca remembered learning how to make little angels in elementary school, Chloe loved them. They both knew how to make paper chains, that was simple enough. But Chloe had an ace up her sleeve. She made very intricate and delicate origami cranes. Beca was so impressed by them that Chloe tried to teach Beca how to make one. She was a bit clumsy, and it turned out a little crooked. Chloe thought it was simply the best thing ever. Chloe decided that it would have a place of honor on the tree. This made Beca smile and blush, this was turning out to be the best day she'd had in a long time.
After it was done, they took a step back to take in their work. The tree was small, but green and full of life. The white paper angles, chains, snowflakes, and cranes were expertly placed so there'd be no empty spaces. They agreed that the tree was lovely. It had been a crazy risk, but Beca was beginning to think it was worth it. Chloe wouldn't have agreed but for now, she was happy. And that's all Beca had wanted.
At Chloe's request, they drank hot cocoa while sitting on the floor, wrapped in blankets, near the fire and the Christmas tree. Chloe leaned against Beca, their heads touching. She felt warm and happy. They held hands, their fingers interlocked again.
"The tree turned out nice," Chloe said.
"It did. See we didn't need anything fancy, just paper and scissors," Beca responded. She was pleased. The whole point of the tree was to cheer Chloe up. To distract her from the cold, from the storm and maybe as a form of penance for ever letting her go in the first place.
"Yeah who knew you were a tiny Martha Stewart," Chloe teased.
"Don't tell anyone, OK?"
"Your secret is safe with me."
Chloe looked at the tree once more. It was wonderful, specially because they'd decorated it together. This was their first tree and Chloe wondered what their next trees would look like. She sighed contently.
"Thank you for this Beca. It means the world to me."
"Really? Am I off the hook?" Beca poked her side playfully.
"Not yet." Chloe added a cute grunt for good measure.
"Still? OK, well you are going to make me pull out the big guns then. Fine."
Beca knew one way to make it up to Chloe. She took a deep breath. Words were difficult, actions were easier but there was one other way Beca could express her love.
She sang. "Have yourself a merry little Christmas." Beca's soprano voice rang melodious. Judy Garland's voice was unique and unduplicable but Beca was able to do it justice. Chloe's eyes widened as her heart flooded with emotion, she loved this song.
"Let your heart be light.
Next year all our troubles will be out of sight.
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the Yuletide gay."
"Next year all our troubles will be miles away."
"Once again as in the olden days
Happy golden days of yore
Faithful friends who were near to us
Will be dear to us once more.
Someday soon we all will be together.
If the fates allow
Until then, we'll have to muddle through somehow.
So, have yourself a merry little Christmas now"
With her song Beca made a promise, that even though tonight things may seem dire, they would muddle through, and they would overcome them together. And that next year, things would be better. They'd be together, she was sure of it, maybe in their own place where they put up a tree that they picked out and decorated together. Next year things would be better.
Chloe had come all this way, she'd gotten in a car crash, had a panic attack, walked into a snowstorm wearing stylish yet inappropriate winter clothing, and walked almost a mile, freezing and half starved. She'd collapsed and almost frozen to death just to make it here, to this spot sitting next to Beca. She'd do it again if she had to. Chloe's tears flowed freely as she wrapped her arms around Beca and kissed her cheek. She was so grateful. Beca could feel Chloe's tears on her cheek. They shared a laugh.
"That wasn't fair Beca, you know I love Judy Garland."
"I know, I'm sorry. I do, too."
There was a pause, the only sounds that could be heard was the crackling of the fire and Chloe's gentle raspy breathing. You can do it Beca, just say something to get started.
"Chloe? There's so much I want to tell you. I just don't know where to start." She could feel herself losing her nerve. Chloe wanted to reach out to her. But Beca had to speak before she'd lose her momentum. "To start with, I missed you so much."
"You missed me?"
Beca knew where this conversation was headed, she knew it would be heavy, and difficult. She knew she would cry. She also knew that it was inevitable. No more hiding behind the laptop. No more working on colorless music. Chloe was right here next to her, and she'd almost died in the process.
It was now, never was not an option anymore. Be honest with her, and be honest with yourself.
"I've been such a coward. I tried so hard not to miss you, Chlo. Not to think about you or Christmas. I buried myself in work, I've literally been working nonstop this whole time. I'm pretty sure I've had every energy drink on the planet, just so I could focus on work and not think… about you."
"Beca."
"And you know what's messed up, I haven't even produced a single song all this time." Tears started to stream down the side of her face. "Nothing, it's like I lost my love for music."
Without you, music just isn't music anymore.
Chloe's gaze softened with sympathy. She knew they were very different people. She knew Beca tended to push people away and put up walls. But she didn't know how hard it must have been for her. Chloe was never shy about her feelings, love, sadness, and everything in between. What happened with Beca that night had taken a toll, but at least she let herself feel those emotions. She couldn't have imagined how difficult it must have been for Beca to keep it bottled up for so long. "I didn't know."
"How could you have known? I shut you out. Classic Beca, right? Things get real and I freak out and mess everything up and I'm just…" Her voice cracked, she was right, this was going to be difficult and it hurt.
"Yes?"
Beca closed her eyes and took a deep breath, no turning back now, tell her everything Beca. "Chloe I'm so sorry for pushing you away. And I'm so sorry if I messed things up for you and Chicago. It was a dick move and I've…"
Chloe placed a finger on Beca's lips, stopping her in her tracks. "Your timing sucked, it really did. You just had to kiss me when I was finally getting over you?"
"Getting over me?" Beca froze when she heard those words. "You were under me?"
Chloe took a deep breath, she was about to tell Beca something very important, something that she'd never told anyone except maybe her mom. "Beca you've had to have known I've had a crush on you all this time."
"You have?" Beca's eyes widened. She didn't know. Did she know? How could she have known? She had kissed her back. That was a pretty obvious sign. Beca knew she tended to be just a tad focused on herself and her career. Maybe she should have? Looking back maybe it should have been obvious. And maybe Beca had taken it for granted.
"Probably since I met you, or maybe it was when we sang "Bulletproof" in the showers that day, or maybe it started when you sang "No Diggity" and you looked so happy that you found your people and you were just brimming with confidence, and I just thought my God could she be any cuter! Honestly, there have been so many moments in our lives where you've made my heart flutter and leap and dance that I just couldn't quite figure out when it all began." Chloe smiled a little sadly remembering all those wonderful moments.
Chloe continued ."And that night, I know I pressured you. I started to grasp at straws. I wanted to know what the kiss meant, for us." Chloe paused for a second. "I pushed you, and it scared you and that's on me. I should have been patient I guess, but I was just upset, I felt like I got emotional whiplash you know?"
"No, I get it. That's super fair. I've run that night in my head a million times too. I should have been stronger, and I don't know decisive. I should have stayed. That night, it felt like I wasn't there, like I was a spectator above me. Not that it's an excuse, it's just one moment, all my dreams were coming true and then you were there kissing Chicago, literally my worst nightmare, and I was like is he kissing MY Chloe?"
Chloe's eyebrows raised, Beca had referred to her as My Chloe and it made her heart sing.
Beca rambled on. "And it's like my body went on autopilot and I kissed you. When you confronted me about it, which by the way you were totally in your right to do…" Beca's voice broke a little bit. Oh God, it is happening again I'm rambling. How do I stop? Why does my face feel so hot?
"Chloe, I think- no I know I- I've been selfish. Oh god, I'm making such a mess of this. I'm just so sorry Chloe, I don't know if I'll ever be able to make it right, I hoped the tree would be some way of making it up to you but all I did was make you worry about me and oh god I'm rambling-"
Chloe pressed her lips against hers. It took her by surprise but as the shock subsided, she closed her eyes and let herself melt in Chloe's arms. Her shoulders slumped and she parted her lips completely committing to the kiss. Her brain was swimming in happy endorphins. When Chloe pulled back, Beca's lips were still puckered expectantly. When she noticed Chloe pulled back, she smiled a little embarrassed but they held their embrace.
"Thank you," Beca said as she closed her eyes and licked her lips. The kiss had effectively calmed her down. "Can you, uh, do that again next time I go off like that?"
"You got it, babe." They stared deep into each other's eyes.
Beca liked it when Chloe called her babe, it was a throwback to simpler times but now it sounded different, intimate. Then the fear came back.
"Dude…" Beca laughed a little bit, but her tone wavered. "Aren't you scared?"
"Of course, I'm scared Beca, but so what? Let's be afraid together and do it anyway." Chloe smiled.
Let's be afraid together? "You really want to do this?" Because god help me, I really want to do this.
"I came all this way, didn't I?"
We can do scary things. "I'm tired of being scared," Beca said in firm voice. And tentatively placed her hand on Chloe's cheek. Her hands were just a bit cold, but Chloe's face was so warm. Chloe's eyes closed expectantly. As their lips connected, months of unspoken words and emotions came up. It was intense, desperate, and both never wanted this moment to end. They'd wanted this for so long. It was scary and exciting. Chloe whimpered into the kiss, it was almost overwhelming, and yet she couldn't get enough. She parted her lips a little bit, it was a tempting invitation, which Beca gladly accepted. Beca deepened the kiss by daring to ever so slightly push her tongue into Chloe's mouth. As both tongues touched, it felt like a surge spark of electricity. It shocked them and they both pulled away. They laughed a little.
"You're, um, really good at that," Chloe said a little shyly.
"So are you," Beca responded with a smile.
Chloe suddenly realized. "Oh no!"
"What?"
"I didn't get you a Christmas present. And after you got us a tree." Chloe pouted.
Beca laughed as she pulled her- friend? girlfriend? they'd figure it out - in for another kiss. "You are all I wanted for Christmas."
Chloe loved that but she liked gift giving and made a mental note to wrap herself in a festive ribbon and present herself under the Christmas tree next year. If only she felt better. As they broke apart something in the corner of the cabin caught her eye. "What's that? A gift?"
Chloe was referring to the present Fat Amy had given her. In all the chaos Beca must have thrown it in a corner.
"Oh yeah, that's Fat Amy's present, I must have forgotten all about it."
"A present?"
"Yeah, she said not to open it until the Christmas Day but I guess that's now huh?" Beca said as she glanced at her phone. It had just turned midnight. "Wanna open it?" Beca brought it over.
"It is Christmas after all. So…" They ripped into the present and opened it. Inside there was a tactical looking black back pack. The tag attached to it read "Disaster Emergency Bug Out Bag." They unzipped the main compartment. There were all sorts of emergency supplies and freeze dried food but more importantly, they found a first aid kit. There was a big note with Fat Amy's handwriting.
"In case you need to rescue Chloe from a blizzard or something."
"Are you fucking kidding me? This would have been really handy yesterday. Why the hell did she ask me to wait till Christmas!"
"Cuz it was supposed to be a Christmas present?" Chloe offered.
Beca stared and just had to laugh and was annoyed as she opened the first aid kit and found the pills she was looking for. She waved them at Chloe, who's eye lit up in response and she clapped.
"Oh its must be a…"
"Don't say it."
But Chloe would not be deterred. "Christmas miracle?"
"Come on, Chlo."
"You come on, the proof is in the pudding, babe."
Beca ever the skeptic at heart, rolled her eyes but then stopped to actually consider it. What makes a miracle? Or better yet, what makes a Christmas miracle? Something unlikely? Something wonderful? Unbelievable? Something that comes to pass during the holidays, even when faced with impossible odds. She remembered praying to whatever deity there was for Chloe's salvation. She'd never done that before. The last 48 hours had been incredible and impossible. They had had been terrifying and yet right now, this is was happiest she'd ever been. Maybe that was a miracle?
"You're right, it's a bit like a Christmas miracle," she conceded.
She gave Chloe the cold medicine which was washed down with what was left of the cocoa. Sure, she was a bit annoyed about overlooking the present but knowing that Chloe would be OK made her forget all about it. She was just so incredibly relieved right now. The only thing that mattered was that Chloe would get better.
They had supplies and each other, they would make it.
"Hey Beca?"
"Yes?"
"Merry Christmas."
"Merry Christmas, Chloe."
They leaned against each other in front of the fire. The world may freeze tomorrow but they would make it. Because tonight on Christmas Eve, and in this small cabin near a lake, there was warmth.