"Please check here to verify you are not a robot," the computer said.
John laughed a little. On the computer screen was a blank box. Next to it was the phrase, "I am not a robot."
Naturally, John dutifully checked the box, shaking his head and laughing a little as he did.
There was a slight pause as a white circle spun round and round on the screen.
Another box appeared with a new phrase.
"I am human."
With a slight sigh and a slight frown, John checked that box as well.
There was a longer pause as a big black circle spun around.
When the computer beeped at John, it startled him. A voice spoke.
"We're sorry but the system does not recognize you as human."
John scowled. "Of course I'm human. What else could I be?"
"We apologize for any inconvenience. Please stand by while we verify if you are a robot."
"I am not a robot," John insisted in a low mumbling voice.
The computer responded in a manner that was almost cheerful. "The system says you are a robot, and the system is never wrong."
"In this case, it is," John grumbled. "And by the way, how does checking off a box indicate that someone is human? Can't even the most primitive robot do that?"
"I shall test you now to see if you are a robot."
A box appeared again with that phrase.
"I am not a robot."
John checked the box, grumbling and grunting as he did.
Several times the box appeared with the phrase. Each time, John checked it off. In some cases, he angrily pushed down on the buttons.
Each time the answer was the same.
"We're sorry but the system does not recognize you as human. And the system is never wrong."
"I need to get this report online," John insisted. "Is there some way to resolve this or get around it? What if I just identify some crosswalks or motorcycles or Greek philosophers or something?"
"The system says you are a robot, and the system is never wrong." The computer changed to an even more cheerful tone. "We here at Replicorp are involved in the business of matter transformation. We could alter your matter to better match your true identity."
"No, thank you," John said firmly and with a great deal of annoyance. "I like being human. I think I'll stay human."
"We respect your choice, of course. But the system says you are a robot."
John jumped to his feet and shook a fist at the screen.
"I am not a robot! I am a human being!"
"The system says you are not human. The system is never wrong."
John groaned as he bowed his head and wiped brown hair away from his sweaty forehead.
"Do you have any idea how awful it is for you to say I'm not human?" he murmured in a low exasperated tone.
"We're sorry. We here at Replicorp oppose hatred, prejudice and bigotry in all its forms."
As he shot up from his chair, John raised triumphant fists.
"Bravo for you, Replicorp! With your opposition to all bad things, you've caused world peace to break out at last! Brotherhood, sisterhood and personhood are alive and well all over the place thanks to you! At last, people everywhere are living in unity and harmony. And they're all saying, 'It's all thanks to Replicorp with its do-nothing statement and feel-good sentiments!'"
"We appreciate feedback from our prized and valued associates."
John scowled deeply. "Has it occurred to you that you're showing hatred, prejudice and bigotry toward me by saying I'm not human?"
"We're sorry. The system says you are not human. The system says you are a robot. The system is never wrong. Since the system is never wrong, you must be made to conform to the system."
A red beam shot out of the computer, and John screamed in agony as the terrible transformation began.
When John's wife, Marlene, returned home, she used the key-device to lock down the entire house. She did this by pointing the device at a small electronic panel on the door. This meant she had her back to the living room. With her back to the room, she offered a pleasant low-key greeting.
"Hello, John. How was your day, dear? Were you able to get your report in?"
When Marlene turned toward the living room, her eyes widened, and she screamed. When her scream ended, she held one hand next to her open quivering mouth; that hand trembled and shook.
Sitting on the couch was what looked like a giant ventriloquist's doll. The nose was curved and bulging. Eyeballs stuck out from the sockets; they were like ping-pong balls, and they moved back and forth like the eyes on a clock shaped like a cartoon character cat. The bright blue pupils looked painted on, as did the brown hair on top of the head.
When the giant puppet-like jaw moved up and down, the jaw movements were out of sync with the words that that were spoken.
"Hello, dear. Forgive me for not standing to greet you. I am undergoing initial charging right now. Once I am fully powered, I will be able to more expertly and efficiently interact with you."
The head slowly turned, and the mouth, which was slightly open, seemed to form a smile.
"There are many advantages to being a robot. Would you like to be a robot, too?"