Merry Christmas to all of you!
I am sorry for the delay. Christmas days are always very eventful for us, but this year it was almost too much. I am really craving a bit of quiet time now, and what better way to start that than getting a new chapter ready?
I have to warn you in advance: After all the fluff and romance and naughtiness, this chapter felt almost a bit out of place for me when I was editing it. There's a lot of sadness in it, and only very little Shamy interaction. But nevertheless, it is an important one that is leading up to one of the last important moments of this story.
A few explanations:
Because Missy's POV is still set during the time of the honeymoon, her part is at the beginning of the chapter. She will be revisiting her time with Robbie and sharing a few things with Raj. I almost left that part out because it is so sad, but in the end, I decided to keep it. After all, domestic violence was one of the main themes in this universe. Also, it does not get talked about enough. So, if you don't want to hear about Missy's sad backstory, please skip to the end of her POV. I promise, it ends on a happy note.
Next, there is a flashback, where Amy deals with Connie's deteriorating health. That one is very sad too, but it has to be done.
After that, the chapter jumps back and forth from a very important day three months after the honeymoon to the time in between, where you will get to read about a few developments in their lives.
It will end on a tiny cliffhanger and maybe some of you will already have a hunch on where the next chapter will be going.
I am sorry for the lack of romance in this one. I promise, I will be making up for it with at least one very happy chapter before this story ends.
Flashback, warm nights
Almost left behind
Suitcase of memories
Time after
Balancing Heaven And Earth
Chapter 29 – "Time After Time"
Missy's POV:
"Please turn left at the next crossing."
Missy nervously drummed her fingers on her knees as she directed Raj to their destination, absentmindedly looking at the trees and streetlights flashing by her window.
She could have driven herself. It would have been easier. But driving to the place where most of her nightmares had been born made her too anxious.
And not in the good way, like the kiss from the other night, but in a way that made her skin crawl.
She had barely slept last night.
She had kissed Raj. She… had kissed… Raj.
Saying she hadn't thought about kissing him before would be a lie. Still, she was surprised by her own actions.
And while she had enjoyed this brief moment of kissing him, her mind was a mess right now.
"I'm not going anywhere." – Rarely ever had any words carried so much meaning for her. And she wanted to believe them. She did.
But she could not. Not as long as Raj did not fully understand what it was that he was getting into.
And so, she made a decision.
A decision to share something with him. A part of her she did not want to think about anymore. She just wanted to forget about it.
But if Raj was serious about wanting to be in her life, then he needed to understand that she could not forget. That it would always be a part of her. And he needed to be sure he was able to deal with it.
"Alright, now pull into the driveway after the next one and we're there."
Her voice sounded steadier than she felt, and Raj followed her instructions without question. Which meant he understood how serious this was. Maybe in a way, he already guessed where they were going.
"So…", he said as they walked up to the front door. "This is where…"
"Where I have lived. For almost two years.", she confirmed, her heart going a mile a minute already.
She hesitated before she took out her key.
She hadn't been here in a long time. The last time was on the day after Robbie had been sentenced to life without parole.
She remembered how scared she had been. Somehow, even if she knew it was not possible, she had half expected him to escape his imprisonment and attack her the second she set foot in his house. To her, he had seemed so powerful then.
She shook her head at her irrational fear. Today, Robbie wasn't much more than a painful memory. He did not have any power over her anymore.
Missy was grateful for the fact that Raj was not asking her why they were here. He was giving her time. To share what she wanted to share with him on her own pace.
Standing in front of the house, she took a deep breath as she let her eyes roam over the exterior.
It was huge. Commanding attention with its sheer size. Fine details carved into the cream-colored stone.
It was no wonder she had been impressed by it when Robbie had brought her here the first time. But how could she not have realized what it stood for?
Like an emperor from medieval times, this was Robbie's castle. Meant to brag about his wealth. Meant to intimidate. Meant to show the world that he was better than other people. That he deserved more than others did.
She remembered clearly how she had felt when she had been here for the first time. How naïve she had been. Dreaming of this life where her children would have everything they ever dreamed of. Everything she had never been able to give them.
She had not married Robbie for his money. She had married him, because he had been charming and nice and, in the beginning, he had treated her really well. But maybe – and she was ashamed to admit this even to herself – seeing this house and everything it represented, had blinded her. In the end, she had accepted his proposal much, much too soon.
Slowly, she turned the key in the lock and Raj followed her inside.
She guided him through the house. Despite the layer of dust, the inside looked even more impressive than the outside.
All the paintings, the statues, the decorations… she remembered carefully cleaning all of them each day because her husband had expected everything to be spotless all the time.
At last, they walked into the big kitchen. Missy took a deep breath, before she turned to Raj.
"So… that's it.", she spoke. "That's where… I lived. Me… and my children and… my hu… R…"
"Okay.", Raj said, hiding his hands in his pockets. He looked apprehensive.
"You might wonder… why we are here.", she continued.
"I… do.", Raj told her. "Actually, I wonder about a lot of things. But… I don't know… what you want to tell me or… what I might stir up, asking questions… so I thought that… maybe I should just listen to what you have to say."
Missy just nodded and walked through the kitchen, letting her fingers run over the surface of the wooden counter, until, finally, she found a small dent.
Her head hurt as she remembered how it had gotten there.
"My marriage… wasn't easy.", she started. "I am not saying this because I want you to feel sorry for me. To be honest, I don't want anyone to feel sorry. I was so, so stupid. How could I fall for this man after everything he had done to my brother? How could I think he had changed? How could I… believe all the lies he has told me? I guess… everything that has happened to me… I kinda had it coming."
"You were married to a master manipulator.", Raj told her gently. "Sheldon and Amy have told me all about it. If you think, even for a second that I blame you for the things that happened to you…"
"No. I don't think that.", Missy said quickly. "I really don't. But… I need you to understand… how broken I am, Raj. Before this thing between us, whatever it is, goes any further."
Raj swallowed deeply. "Alright.", he said. "Tell me. Whatever you are ready to tell me. I want to hear it."
Missy wasn't sure he really wanted to hear it. But maybe he had to. As much as she had to talk about it.
"The first time he hit me… we had only been married for a month. I was out with two friends. The children were staying at my mother's. I came home late and in a good mood. It was such a fun night. Robbie… was waiting for me. He accused me of cheating and slapped me across the face. I… I couldn't believe it. I was shocked. The next day, he apologized. He brought me flowers and promised, it would never happen again. He said that… it was just that I was looking so pretty. But not for him but for other men to see me at that bar. I know I should have left him then. But… I convinced myself that this was only a slip-up. That everyone made mistakes. I did not want to believe that this was who he truly was."
"Of course you didn't.", Raj said. "No one would have wanted to believe that."
She continued quickly, as long as she still had the courage to.
With every word she spoke, it got easier.
She told him about the time when Ellis was teething. She had not managed to clean the house and make dinner in time for Robbie to come home. He had told her, she was slacking off and that this was not what he had signed up for. And when she had tried to explain, he had punched her stomach so hard, she had nearly thrown up.
And how – she traced the small dent again - he had banged her head against the counter repeatedly, one time when his dress shirts had not been perfectly ironed.
She described, how she had to watch YouTube-tutorials to figure out how to apply make-up that would cover the bruises on her face. And how she had tried to pretend that everything was fine. In front of her family. Especially in front of her children.
After a while, she had stopped being Missy. She only lived to please her husband. To fulfill his needs and do everything he told her. And no matter how hard she tried, he had always managed to find reasons to punish her. Ways to humiliate her and make her feel small.
Tears assembled in her eyes as she recounted how she had not dared to tell anyone about the things that were happening at home. Partly, because she was ashamed. And partly because, with time, she started to believe that she was worthless and did not deserve any better.
Until Sheldon moved back to Texas and, with Amy's help, reminded her of the person she used to be.
"Yesterday, you said, you weren't going anywhere.", she whispered. "That you wanted to share my burden and that you wanted to be in my life in any capacity I would let you."
"I did say that.", Raj nodded. "And I meant every word of it."
"I believe you.", she stated. "But you need to be aware that… the woman you met all those years ago in Sheldon's office… the woman you tried to express with pajamas and the Kamasutra… the one who flirted with you and called you cutie pie… that's not who I am anymore."
"I know. And I do not expect you to be her.", Raj reassured her. "I understand what you are trying to tell me."
"I don't think you do.", she argued. "Not fully. Raj… I… I really enjoyed kissing you yesterday."
His eyes lit up and he smiled at her brightly.
"Me too. I enjoyed that very much."
Missy rolled her eyes gently at his enthusiasm.
"But… although I enjoyed that… I am not sure if I can give you more than that right now. I don't even know if I can ever be with a man again. You know… intimately. It's just that… after what happened here in this house… it's… scary to think of…"
Raj came closer and looked at her seriously.
"You don't have to explain, Missy. As I said, I understand. And I will never expect you to do anything you don't feel comfortable with."
"Come on, Raj.", she huffed. "You must have expectations. You must have a certain image of what it would be like, being with me. I just don't want you to be disappointed."
"You could never disappoint me, Missy.", he protested. "And while yes, I admit that, of course I do hope for certain things to happen in the future, I can wait. I love spending time with you. And if what we have now has to be enough, then it will be."
It was hard to believe those words. Although she desperately wanted to.
"Can I… propose something?", Raj asked her carefully.
She shrugged, not knowing what to expect.
"It may sound strange but… let's just forget about our kiss from yesterday. At least for now. I don't want to put any kind of pressure on you."
She was about to protest. She did not want to forget about the kiss at all.
But before she could say anything, he continued.
"Once you move to California, I want to spend time with you. As much as possible. And… this may sound unconventional and old-fashioned but… I would very much like to ask your permission to… to court you."
Missy's eyes widened in surprise.
"C… court me?", she stammered. "You mean like…"
"I mean I want to get to know you and give you the opportunity to get to know me. As friends, but with my intentions out in the open. I want to be a gentleman for you, just like in those old movies we watched together. I want to take you out and treat you the way you deserve it. I will not be expecting anything, not even a kiss at the end of the night. And if you decide you don't want me to court you anymore, then I will move on from that, but I will still be your friend. Because as I said…", he took a deep breath. "I am not going anywhere, Missy."
Missy's eyes filled with tears as she listened to Raj's words.
"You… you really mean that? But… what will you be getting out of this?"
"Easy.", he said and smiled at her softly. "Your company. And maybe a little bit of hope."
"Wow…", she whispered.
"So…", he said and took one more step towards her. "Do I have your permission to court you?"
Missy felt her chin tremble.
"Under one condition.", she said and reached for his hands.
"I'm… listening.", he said, gazing into her eyes.
She bit her lips nervously. It felt scary, to ask this of him. She was afraid, it could ruin their friendship if she gave in to temptation to soon.
But she needed to.
"I want you to kiss me again.", she breathed out. "Just once. Just today. And then you can go back to being an old-fashioned gentleman and court me."
Raj did not have to be asked twice. Quickly, he closed the little bit of distance between them.
Carefully, he held her shoulders and leaned in, waiting for her to be ready.
Their lips met.
Like the day before, Missy felt a spark.
It was different to all the kisses she had shared in her life.
Because this one… felt like a promise.
Much too quickly, Raj pulled away from her again.
"I am very much looking forward to you moving to California.", he said hoarsely.
"Me too.", she said. "I am looking forward to it more and more."
They gazed into each other's eyes, almost too long. Her heart was beating rapidly.
Missy cleared her throat and shook her head.
"Now let's get going. I don't want to be here any longer."
Raj nodded and followed her to the car.
"Hey Missy…", he said before they drove away. "I was wondering… What is going to happen with this house now? It seems like a waste to just… let it wither away."
"Well…", she shrugged. "Technically, it still belongs to Robbie. But he will be in prison for the rest of his life, and he has no next of kin. So… I decided to donate it in his name."
"Donate it?", Raj wondered. "To whom?"
Missy grinned. She was proud of herself for coming up with this idea.
"Next week, an organization will take over and… turn it into a women's shelter."
"Wow…", Raj said, his voice full of admiration. "What a great idea."
"Robbie would have hated it.", she said and grinned slightly. "He always used to say that women's shelters were the root of all evil and that women had to obey their husbands and not try to run away."
"What an unbelievable jerk."
Missy nodded in agreement.
"Well, it's not like he can do anything about it.", she said and winked at Raj. "And this way, all his evil actions have led to something good in the end."
Raj started the engine and as they drove away, Missy looked outside the window, catching one last glimpse at the house.
She smiled to herself.
Oh yes, she was ready to put this chapter of her life to rest.
And as she turned to Raj again, she felt a delicious shiver run down her spine.
It was time to start a new chapter.
A happy one.
Amy's POV:
~A little more than two years ago~
"How can you still be so bad at poker? I thought you were a genius."
Amy looked at her cards and at the meager stack of buttons in front of her. The others were now on Connie's bedside table next to her hospital bed.
If she was honest, she hadn't tried to win this time. Not really. Being here was too depressing. And right now, winning at poker was one of the very few things that made her friend smile.
Connie had been in the hospital for almost a week.
It felt wrong. She did not belong here. She belonged at the bowling alley. Or at a bar, making snarky remarks about the men there. Or… at home, fussing over her grandson's achievements.
It took Amy all her strength to be here every day and see her friend wither away slowly.
"Well, maybe next time we can play a trivia game. There's no way I'll lose at those.", she countered. "But maybe you should rest a bit now. You look pale."
Connie just snorted. "I'm fine."
She wasn't fine. Amy knew that. And she was sure, Connie knew too.
Only days after their trip to the cabin, Connie had caught another infection. But although her last blood transfusion had not been that long ago, her body had a really hard time fighting it this time.
And from there on, things had gotten worse by the week. Her health was deteriorating quickly and with every day, Amy felt more and more desperate.
Despite her protests, it did not take long for Connie to fall asleep again, and Amy made herself comfortable in the big chair next to the bed.
It would be the fourth night she would spend right here by her friend's bedside, more napping than sleeping. Connie had protested after the first night and told her to go home. But maybe for the first time, Amy was even more stubborn than the old lady.
She just couldn't stand the thought that things could take a turn for the worst while she wasn't here.
A nurse came in and took a look at the sleeping patient. She gave Amy a reassuring smile. Amy smiled back. She liked this nurse. Unlike the others, she hadn't told her to go home. Instead, she had handed her an additional pillow.
"I get it.", she had said. "I'm close to my grandmother too. I would do the exact same thing."
Amy did not correct her. Maybe because Connie was the closest thing she had ever gotten to a loving grandmother.
Amy watched, as the young woman adjusted Connie's IV and then took her blood pressure. Connie did not wake up, just grumbled something in her sleep.
"Are there any news?", Amy asked her. "The doctors have run so many tests over the past days, you must know something. Right?"
"I am not qualified to give you any results.", was the answer. "Dr. Elliot will tell you everything tomorrow."
"But… don't you have the results here?", Amy implored. "I am a scientist and I do have basic medical training. Maybe… I could read them?"
The nurse bit her lips and looked at Amy for a few moments.
"I am not allowed to give you Mrs. Tucker's results.", she said gently. "So… when I put them into the little folder here so the doctors can use them during rounds, I expect you to… just ignore them. Understood?"
Amy took a deep breath and nodded. The nurse winked at her, before she left the room again.
As soon as the air was clear, Amy took hold of the folder, almost tearing the pages apart as she searched for something, anything, to indicate what they were looking at.
"Please be good. Please…", she mumbled to herself.
But after she carefully read page after page, her face fell, and her heart shattered into a million pieces.
"No…", she whispered. "Oh, no. Oh, Connie…"
Tears formed in her eyes. She was not ready for this.
Amy did not sleep at all that night. Instead, she sat there. On guard. Ready to react to any change in Connie's status. Trying to convince herself that maybe she was wrong. But even if she was not a medical doctor, she knew there was not much hope left.
She was not surprised, when Connie did not touch her breakfast in the morning and only woke up long enough to take her pills.
Amy was already waiting impatiently, when Dr. Elliot, accompanied by a few younger doctors, entered the room.
He greeted Amy shortly, before taking the folder with Connie's results, studying them intently.
"How is she doing?", he asked before carefully taking Connie's pulse, a worried look on his face.
"She's been sleeping a lot yesterday.", Amy answered. "And she does not have an appetite. But other than that… she's okay, regarding the circumstances. Her mind is still sharp, and she hopes to get home soon."
The doctor nodded.
"She's a fighter.", he said. "She would have never made it this far if she weren't."
"So, is it possible?", Amy whispered. "For her to keep fighting? Is there anything that can be done so… she can survive? For a little while longer? Do I… get to take her home soon?"
She tried to analyze the doctor's expression to no avail.
"Please…", she whispered. "Tell me."
"It's… not completely impossible.", the doctor said, looking at her seriously. "I have seen people come back from worse than this. But… considering her age and… the blood results… her organs…"
"… are slowly starting to fail.", Amy finished his sentence. "Probably caused by her infection. Her immune system cannot handle it anymore."
For a second, the man seemed to be surprised by her knowledge, but he caught himself quickly.
"There's nothing we can do for her at this moment to help her keep fighting.", he said softly. "All we can do is… make her as comfortable as possible."
Amy's shoulders dropped. That's what she had feared.
"Can I take her home then?", she breathed out. "She'll be much more comfortable there. She… hates being here. I don't want her to… to die in a hospital. I want her to be in her own home."
"I wouldn't recommend it. Mrs. Tucker still needs a lot of care and medical attention. Even if you stayed by her side until the end… she'll be in a lot of unnecessary pain if her medicine is not adjusted properly."
"I am a neurobiologist.", Amy revealed. "I have medical training. I can adjust her IV, and give medication. I could even draw blood or give her injections if necessary."
"You may have medical training, but even so, you aren't qualified…"
"I could hire a nurse.", Amy argued. "And I am sure, her physician, Dr. Henderson is qualified to oversee everything that is necessary."
The doctor's resolve was faltering, she could see that.
"Please.", she whispered. "This woman… means the world to me. If I can do anything to make her last days less miserable… then please let me."
The doctor closed his eyes. Amy wasn't sure, but it looked as if he was battling tears.
"Alright.", he said finally. "Let's wait until your friend wakes up. If she agrees to this, then I will prepare her discharge papers."
Amy nodded relieved.
She waited until the doctor was gone again, until she allowed the tears to fall.
Her stomach felt weird and her soul… felt numb.
"I'm taking you home, Connie.", she whispered more to herself than to her friend. "I don't know what happens then… but… at least you'll be home."
~ back in the present ~
The last week of August
"Are you ready?"
Amy turned to Sheldon as she was adding the finishing touches to her make-up.
She was almost done, so yes, she was ready to go. But she assumed, Sheldon was talking about something else.
"I don't know.", she mused. "How can I be? It's… the end of an era."
Sheldon walked up behind her and put his hands on her shoulders, looking at her through the mirror.
"I know.", he said quietly. "It's strange. This has been such a big part of our lives for almost two years."
Amy leaned her head back against Sheldon's chest. It was comforting to know that he understood. And that this evening was not just hard for her.
Choir practice. The last one with Sheldon as the conductor. The last one before they would be moving to California in a week.
And although they would be back in a few months and participate in the choir's winter project, it would never be the same again.
Her stomach was rumbling. She felt as if she was about to throw up.
For the past days, her emotions had been all over the place. Ever since they had started to box things up… it seemed her body and her mind were on some weird kind of rollercoaster.
So, how could she ever be ready for this?
But then again, during the three months since their honeymoon, Amy had experienced several things she had not felt ready for.
The first one happened only a week after they had come back home from the cabin where they had spent two weeks.
June: A week after the honeymoon:
Amy was lying in bed. Curled up, a blanket pulled over her head. Hot tears running down her cheeks. One hand pressed to her belly.
How could she have thought it would be so easy? As if anything in her life had ever been easy.
"Amy?"
She should have gotten up when she heard the front door open. Wiped away the tears. Pretended she was fine. But she did not have the energy.
"Amy, are you home?"
Sheldon was out in the living room, looking for her. Maybe, if she kept quiet, he would assume that she was out somewhere. With Missy or Jared. And then she could keep this devastating news from him for a few more hours. Let him think, for a little bit longer, that there was a possibility.
But then, the bedroom door flew open.
"Amy? What's going on? Are you sick?"
She didn't dare look at him. Didn't want him to see her tears. It was stupid. And childish. To cry about something, she should have expected. To mourn something that never was.
"No.", she croaked. "I'm perfectly healthy. Just… cramps."
"Cramps.", he breathed out, the realization evident in his voice. "So… you've gotten your…"
"Yes…", she whispered.
"So, you're not…"
"No."
He did not say anything else then. It was so quiet, he seemed frozen on the spot.
"Say something.", she begged silently. "Tell me, it'll be okay."
But then, she heard steps. Sheldon walking away. She wondered, where he was going. Was he… disappointed as she was? Did he need a moment to himself just like she had felt she needed before.
But he left the bedroom door open and then she heard him rummaging around in the kitchen. Turning on the tea kettle.
How could he still have the energy for that?
He came back after less than five minutes.
"I'm not in the mood for tea, Sheldon.", she said quietly. "I appreciate it, but… I'd rather just… lie here for a while."
"That's okay.", he said, his voice sounding soft and understanding. "I didn't make tea."
"You… did not?", she asked.
"May I… join you?", he asked back.
She managed to nod and then she felt Sheldon lie down behind her. He pulled her close and caressed her side softly. Amy could feel fresh tears rolling down her cheeks.
And then, something hot pressed against her lower abdomen.
Amy reached for it, and then she had to smile through her tears.
A hot-water bottle. So that's what Sheldon had used the tea kettle for.
"Thank you.", she murmured, as he tucked it into her jogging pants.
"You're welcome.", he said, while massaging her lower back. "I know how bad your cramps can get."
Yes, they could get bad. But as usual, Sheldon knew exactly how to help. Not just physically. Because while the hot-water bottle helped a lot, it really was his loving attention and his concern for her, that made her feel better.
At least a little bit.
"I thought we were going to take the test tomorrow.", she admitted, her voice but a whisper. "I thought it was going to be positive. I was so certain."
"Me too.", Sheldon whispered back. "I already downloaded this app. You know, the one that tells you what kind of fruit has the same size as your fetus."
Amy chuckled. "Me too. The first one would have been a poppy seed."
"It's going to happen, Amy.", Sheldon promised. "This is merely a minor setback."
"What if it isn't?"
Sheldon's hand stopped its movement on her lower back for a second.
"It is.", he assured her. "Amy, we know the probabilities. Even younger couples rarely are successful during the first month of trying."
"But we aren't a younger couple.", she argued. "I am forty. There's a high probability that it won't work."
"It will though.", he said stubbornly. "I know it will. We will have our poppy seed."
"Maybe…", she whispered. "Maybe we should be seeing a doctor. You know… or at least… test if I'm ovulating at all. And then make a schedule…"
"No.", Sheldon said firmly.
"But…", she protested. "You love schedules."
"Of course I love schedules.", he agreed. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't be opposed to one for our coital activities. But not… for this. All my life, I never thought I would enjoy making love to anyone. And now that I know… I don't want to turn it into a chore."
"But Sheldon…", she tried to reason. Didn't he realize that with every month, their chances were diminishing?
"Six months, Amy.", he reminded her gently. "We said we would wait for at least six months before taking any sorts of measures. Please. Let's wait. Let's enjoy this phase of being newly-weds. Let's just be happy and… trust that things are going to work out. For a while. And if it won't work then we can still go see a doctor."
Amy turned around, carefully holding the hot-water bottle to her lower belly as she did so. She grasped Sheldon's face and looked at him seriously.
"I get what you are saying. And I guess you are right. It's just… I am bummed. We had this beautiful honeymoon together. And I just thought… it would have been so meaningful. Conceiving our first child while we were there. I just… hate… that it did not work."
"Me too.", he said, holding her tight. "I was so sure… but… we cannot let this discourage us, Amy. Let's just move on. Conceiving our first child will always be meaningful. No matter when or where."
She slung her arms around his torso, burying her head in his chest, more tears running down her face.
"I know it will be.", she mumbled. "I just… wish we were already there."
They spent the rest of the day like this. Curled up together. Mourning what could have been. Sheldon massaging her gently, easing her pain, both physical and emotional.
And although she was still sad, she knew, Sheldon was right.
They could not lose hope. They would just have to keep trying.
The last week of August
As so often during the past two years, Amy was holding Sheldon's hand as they walked to the little practice room at the back of the church.
Missy had not taken their offer to walk with them today. Something, Amy was most grateful for.
Her mind took her back to the time when Sheldon had just started conducting the choir.
How he used to offer her his arm, like the gallant gentleman he was.
How they had talked about music. About life. About Missy.
Even then, they had never run out of topics to talk about.
"Your mother called earlier.", Sheldon mentioned.
"Oh.", Amy replied, hit by another wave of nausea. "What did she want?"
"She was at the house today. And she wanted to know if we would like to have the coat rack from her basement. Apparently, she has kept it, because you liked it so much when you were a child."
Amy rolled her eyes gently. Maybe it had not been the best idea to give her mother a spare key to their new house so she could let the workers in.
"I don't remember having an attachment to a coat rack.", Amy said and shook her head amused. "She was at the house today? How far along are the workers? Will they be ready in time?"
"She couldn't say.", Sheldon shrugged. "I guess she was too busy coming up with suggestions for how to furnish all our rooms."
"It figures.", Amy said. "Maybe we should write an addendum to our contract if this behavior continues."
"Maybe.", Sheldon agreed. "Let's give it some time though. The last time we saw your parents, things did seem promising."
July: A trip to California
"And here we have the kitchen. It looks a bit old-fashioned but the appliances are all brand new. If you want it to look a little more modern, I know an excellent company. If you mention my name, they will give you a neat discount."
Amy nodded absentmindedly as she and Sheldon followed their realtor.
She liked the old-fashioned look of the kitchen. It looked so cozy. In her mind, she was already picturing Connie's kitchen table in the middle of it. And her decorations would look perfect here as well.
A part of her felt guilty for liking this house so much. That little part that still couldn't believe she was planning on leaving Medford.
But she had to admit… it was nearly perfect.
She could really see herself be happy here.
It was big enough for her and Sheldon and several children. Next to the kitchen was a spacious living room. They could comfortably fit her harp and Connie's piano in there. There was also a spare room that would be perfect to use for a study.
On the top floor, there was the master bedroom. It was rather small, but it came with its own bathroom. Two smaller bedrooms and another bathroom, which made Amy and Sheldon share a loving smile. Oh, how they wanted to fill these rooms with little children.
"So… the attic apartment has its own entrance?", Amy clarified.
"Yes.", the realtor confirmed. "The former owners did not use it, so it's a bit rusty, but there is a staircase leading up to it, that can be accessed from the back of the house. There's also a hatch door in the ceiling with an integrated wooden staircase, if you don't want to use it as a separate apartment.
"I'd like to test how much noise can be heard from upstairs.", Sheldon told her. "Before we make a decision on how to use it."
Amy grinned. Of course he would want that.
After a thorough soundcheck – Sheldon made the poor realtor climb upstairs and jump up and down for a while, before he shouted "secret codes" upstairs, none of which the patient woman could understand – he was satisfied that, while not completely soundproof, it would not cause too much trouble, having someone live up there for a while.
They went outside then and took a look at the yard.
Similar to Connie's house, there was a big backyard. Amy's heart swelled as she imagined setting up a little playground there. Maybe a treehouse as well. And she had always wanted her own little vegetable garden.
But her favorite detail was the front porch. She would definitely put a little bench there. Maybe a rocking chair as well for when she would have a little baby to rock to sleep.
"So, what do you think?", she asked Sheldon after they had said their goodbyes to the realtor.
"I think it's perfect.", he told her. "It's big, but not in a pompous way. It's practical and it checks off all our requirements. I'd like to make a few minor renovations, but other than that… I think it could be the perfect house for us. Right?"
"I agree with everything you just said.", Amy nodded.
They had looked at so many houses before. But none of them had spoken to her like this one.
It was not Connie's house. Not by a long shot. And while the neighborhood looked beautiful, it was not Medford.
But it was something they could make their own.
"I think, we could be really happy here.", she said seriously. "And I think we should consider making an offer."
"So that means… we're going to talk to your parents next."
Amy had to agree to this statement. Although she dreaded it.
She dreaded telling her mother about Sheldon's idea of a signed contract between all of them.
But, as it later turned out, she did not have to dread it. At all.
At first, both her parents had seemed surprised.
"But we told you, Amy, this money does not come with strings.", her father protested. "It's yours. It has always been yours. To do with it whatever you please."
"And we appreciate it, Dad.", Amy said, trying to come up with the right words. "It's just that…"
"It's just that it would make us more comfortable to have all our expectations out in the open.", Sheldon helped her. "Regardless of the money. I have found it helpful in the past to have certain guidelines. We really would like you to be a part of our life once we move to California. And we believe that we all would benefit from knowing how we want this to look like."
Amy's mother said nothing at first. She just listened and nodded once in a while, as Sheldon was taking the lead. He thought of everything. Unannounced visits. Dinner invitations. Holidays. Regulations on what topics were off limit. And much, much more. In the end, they managed to agree on most things.
"What about your future children?", her mother finally interjected. "I would like to be an involved grandmother once the time comes. Will you let me?"
Sheldon looked at Amy with raised eyebrows. They had expected this question.
"We would love for our children to have active grandparents.", Amy said carefully. "But we have no idea if and when that will happen. So, I suggest that… once the time comes… we sit down together again to talk about it and figure out our boundaries."
Amy's mother wanted to protest at first, but her father had pointed out that a lot could still change until then and that it wasn't wise to put things in writing that were so uncertain.
Sheldon connected his laptop to her parents' printer and once everyone had signed their new agreement, they moved on to the next topic.
Amy squeezed Sheldon's hand under the table.
Rarely had she felt this relaxed in her mother's house. And although she suspected that it would not always run this smoothly, she wished she had known Sheldon and his handy little contracts much sooner.
After sleeping on it a few times, they decided to make an offer on the house, and very soon, they were able to hire a contractor for a few renovations.
It was all happening so fast, it made Amy's head spin.
And before the knew it, they had their move-in date.
The first week of September.
The last week of August
When Sheldon and Amy entered the small practice room, they were met with loud cheers and thundering applause.
Amy took a step aside, letting Sheldon have this moment to himself. She looked into their friends' faces. There they all stood, with tears in their eyes, cheering for Sheldon, who had masterfully guided them all through two turbulent years.
She thought back to when he she had first brought him here. It had only taken one practice to convince the members of the choir of the fact that there was something special about him. And he had lived up to those expectations. Each and every practice, he had been meticulously prepared, and he had swung his baton with both easiness and certainty.
But more than that, he had held this group of unusual people together. And he was the main reason why they all were standing here today. Why they still got to meet up twice a week. Why they had this reprieve from their everyday lives, and a place where they all belonged, different as they may be.
There weren't any speeches, and Amy was thankful for that. For once, because she knew, Sheldon wasn't comfortable with being the center of attention for an extended period of time, and also because there was no speech that could ever convey what this place meant. For all of them.
She took her place among the choir and for the last time, Sheldon stepped forward and took his baton.
With Missy at one side and Ruth at the other, she looked at her husband whose hands were shaking slightly as he raised his hands.
Was it just her imagination that the choir's voices were shaking as well? Or was it maybe only her own voice.
How often had she watched Sheldon do this? How often had she admired him? His focus. His confidence. His talent.
It was one of the things that had made her fall hopelessly in love with him.
The next two hours passed in a blur. Soon, the last song was sung, and again Amy felt the emotions well up in her chest. She couldn't put it into words. She just… felt weird. A chapter of her life was finished today. The happiest chapter so far.
And although, she knew, the next one would be at least as beautiful… it made her anxious, leaving this world where everything was certain and stepping into a future where so many things were unclear again.
"Thank you all.", Sheldon said, as he lay his baton on the music stand in front of him. "If anyone would have told me, I was going to be a conductor one day… my first thought would have been: Yes, certainly. A train conductor."
Amy laughed with the others at this remark. Apparently, Sheldon had a speech prepared after all.
"Even without trains… These evenings with all of you have meant the world to me over the past two years. It has been an honor to be part of this. It's… hard to let go of this now. Much harder than I thought. But please know that, while Amy and Missy and I will be moving away next week, we will be back, and we will be participating in your projects for as long as you will have us. And I know, this choir will be in good hands."
His gaze shifted to Jared who nodded at him firmly.
"It has been an honor for us too.", Jeremy said from the last row, with a gruffy voice that did nothing to hide his emotions. "Thanks to you, this choir has become more than it ever was. And I don't just mean the quality or our success. We will miss you very much, Sheldon. You are an excellent conductor. And an even better human."
The others all nodded in agreement and one by one, they stepped forward to shake Sheldon's hand and thank him for all he had done. Then they came up to her, to acknowledge her role in all of this and thank her as well.
Amy's eyes filled with tears. It was reassuring to know that Jared was taking over. But still, it felt strange to know that they all would be meeting up again next week. Without her and Sheldon.
As so often before, they all sat down at the table then.
Jeremy had wanted to organize a big going-away party with a caterer and balloons and cake, but Sheldon had stopped him.
"The best way to celebrate this evening is to just sit together with all of you.", he had insisted. "Just like we always do."
And so that's what they did. Seated around the big table, they talked and laughed together. Amy showed pictures of their new house, and everyone promised to be visiting soon.
It was lovely. And still, Amy felt on the verge of tears the whole time.
What was happening? Never in her life had she felt so little control over her emotions.
Her phone rang in her pocket, and she was grateful for the chance to step outside for a minute.
"Hello, Rajesh.", she said, a little surprised at who was calling her.
"Hello Amy, I hope I am not disturbing anything. Sheldon has his phone off, so I thought I would try to reach you."
"No. Not at all. We just finished our last choir practice."
"Oh. Right, Missy mentioned something. How was it?"
Amy smiled. As flattered as she had been when Sheldon had told her about Rajesh's crush on her, she was glad that he was over it. And it made her so happy that he and Missy seemed to be chatting quite frequently.
"It was nice. But also strange, you know.", she admitted.
"Yeah, I get it. That choir means a lot. To all three of you."
Amy just nodded. Tears were filling her eyes again. She chastised herself. Why was she this emotional all the time?
"Hey, listen.", Rajesh continued. "I have been following Sheldon's instructions on how to box up his things that are still in the living room. And I have been wondering… he has not said anything about the couch. Do you know when that one will be picked up? Just so I know when I can have a new one delivered."
"C… couch?", Amy froze on the spot. "I… uhm… he hasn't said anything. I assumed it would stay where it is."
There was a pause on the other line.
"No, that can't be. That couch is sacred to Sheldon. So much that I am still afraid of sitting down in his spot, even when he's not here. He must have organized something. Could you please ask him for the details so I can plan ahead?"
"Uhm… yeah, sure.", Amy croaked and sat down on the stairs. "I will tell him to call you later. Bye, Rajesh."
She put away her phone and shook her head.
How could she not have thought about this? Of course, she knew everything about Sheldon's spot and how much he loved the couch in his apartment… but…
She closed her eyes. A vision their new living room appeared in her mind.
Only now did she realize they had never talked about the couch.
Maybe because she had assumed there was nothing to talk about.
She had assumed that they would be taking their couch there. Connie's couch. Another piece of their first shared home. All the things they had experienced on it together…
It meant so much to her, and she had assumed it meant just as much to Sheldon.
She could feel herself starting to shake again.
"Amy?", she looked up and saw Missy come out the door. "You've been out here for a while. Who called you? Is everything okay?"
"Yeah…", Amy replied tonelessly. "Just… Some organizational stuff about the house. I… uhm… I'll be right back."
But as she took her seat next to Sheldon and looked at all the happy faces, she just could not take it anymore.
Her stomach churned and she felt as if she was going to be sick. Tears welled up in her eyes again and she did her best to keep them in. For a while at least.
"Are you alright? You look a little pale.", Sheldon asked her, studying her.
Amy swallowed deeply. "Yeah, everything's fine.", she lied. "I just… think I am going to go back home… I am a little tired and… I wanted to pack at least three more boxes tonight."
"Oh.", Sheldon studied her, and she did her best, not to let him see how she was feeling. After all, she didn't fully understand her feelings herself. "You've been tired a lot during the past few days. Are you sure you're not getting sick?"
She shook her head.
"No, Sheldon, I promise, I am fine."
"Alright. I'll just finish my water and then we can go."
"No.", she said quickly. "No, Sheldon. You should enjoy this night a little bit longer. Celebrate with Missy. And… as I said, I am a little tired. I could use a bit of peace and quiet right now."
He was about to protest, but luckily, Jared came to the table right that moment, with a bunch of questions for Sheldon regarding the next choir practice.
Amy took the opportunity to slip out of the room.
Logically, she knew she was acting crazy. It was just a couch. And she didn't even know Sheldon's opinion now. Not for certain. She should just ask him. And she would. Later.
But… she couldn't help it. For the past days, something had been building up inside of her. So many conflicting emotions. The dread of having to say good-bye to this life. And the joy of going back to being a Neurobiologist. Knowing that, in a few days, everything would be different.
And through all of these emotions… her body felt strange too. She was tired. All the time. Exhausted. And at the same time, she felt restless.
She released a deep sigh once she was home again. Yes, this was what she needed. A few minutes to herself. Trying to calm down her heart that was nearly beating out of her chest.
Not surprisingly, her feet carried her to the couch. She lay down, burying her head into one of the cushions.
It was so comfortable. It had always been.
But it was just a couch. Just a lifeless object. It wasn't that important.
Important were the memories that she and Sheldon had made here. And they would always have those, wherever they were.
She would not ask Sheldon to give up his spot. She would not. Because she knew how much it meant to him. Maybe Rajesh was right. Maybe Sheldon needed his spot to feel comfortable in their new home. And she wanted him to be comfortable.
But no matter how much she tried to convince herself… she couldn't help it.
"I don't know if I can do this…", she whispered to herself as the tears started to fall. "I don't want to leave. I don't want to leave this life behind. It's too much…"
She stayed like this for a while. Crying into a pillow, thinking about all the good that had happened to her in this place. Mourning this life that she did not feel ready to let go.
She did not even notice when the front door was opened a bit more than an hour later.
"Amy?", she heard her husband's voice next to her. "Oh, Amy…"
Quickly, she tried to wipe away her tears, but it was too late.
Sheldon sat down next to her, pulling her into his lap. Even then, she was unable to stop the tears.
More than a little embarrassed, she allowed Sheldon to hold her. To soothe her.
"Amy, can you please tell me what's going on?"