Haunting past
Chapter 2. Maggie & OA: Tight knots
"OA, you should go home," Maggie said quietly, stroking his head.
He had fallen asleep again on his folded arms, at the foot of Maggie's bed. He lifted his head and struggled to open his eyelids.
"I'm awake."
She gave him a wry yet touched smile.
"You're exhausted. You need to sleep. You need to eat."
"No," he replied, shaking his head to clear his head, "I'm not going to leave you alone."
"I'm fine. I don't need anything. I'll probably sleep in one go. There's no point in you staying another night in the hospital."
"It makes perfect sense. I want to be here for you," he insisted.
"OA, if you continue like this you will fall ill," she said very seriously.
"I'm fine," he assured her, although anyone looking at him could see this was not true.
Someone at the hospital gave him some sweats and a hoodie to replace his torn and dirty nightclothes, but OA hadn't even gone home to shower. His beard, usually so well-groomed, was shaggy and his eyes were bloodshot, giving him a deranged look.
Maggie sighed; an overwhelming pressure in her chest made it difficult to breathe. Here was OA, risking his own health for her, while Maggie couldn't bring Jason out of his thoughts, to which he kept returning again and again without giving her any respite. Anyway, she wouldn't get anywhere like this. She swallowed her tears and tried another way.
"OA, if you don't leave right now I'll call security to get this stinking bum out of my room," she forced herself to joke, even though the tension in her heart was getting worse and worse.
She managed to make him laugh. OA rubbed his face with his palm and finally nodded. "Alright. I'll go home tonight. But I'll be here first thing in the morning."
"If you come too early I will kick you out again."
OA shook his head, but relented. He leaned down to kiss her on the forehead. Maggie hid she swallowed hard at the warm touch.
As soon as OA left the room, Maggie couldn't hold back any longer. She covered her face with her hands and began to cry.
·~·~·
Riding his armored tiger, OA entered the headquarters of the New York forces with his battle group. The operation, an assault on a nearby nest they recently discovered, had been a success. They killed all the adult spiders and burned all the eggs inside. They even managed to rescue a handful of people trapped as prey.
It was satisfying. He was always adept at exterminating monsters when he had the right weapons. Unfortunately, OA knew they were only prolonging their own end. More and more nests kept popping up. Sooner or later the spiders would overtake them.
Behind them, the heavy steel doors which protected what little were left of New York's human population closed with a resounding bang.
Leaping down, OA dismounted from Khan's five-foot-tall back with the familiar metallic clank of his armor, and scratched the neck of the huge orange feline. Khan thanked him with a loud purr like the V8 engine of an old Ford Mustang. He was one of the largest combat tigers they had, one of the few that actually could carry someone the size of OA wearing full armor. They had run out of fuel to move tanks or battle tanks years ago. And a horse was no use for fighting giant spiders.
He left Khan in the care of the kids who looked after the mounts, so they could remove his armor and give him food and water.
Taking the flamethrower off his back, OA left it in the armory. Of course, he kept the rest of his weapons: his assault rifle and semi-automatic pistol; the short spear, his combat knife. No one was unarmed. They had long ago learned they could find themselves under attack at any moment.
He was hungry, but went in search of Isobel to inform her of the result of the operation.
Base activity was beginning to bustle with dawn. He passed Tiff in a hallway, who told him bitterly they found two more nests on Fifth Avenue and she lost three more soldiers last night.
"I'm going out again," she said with suppressed fury. "I need to kill something."
The suicidal gleam in Tiffany's one remaining eye startled OA.
"Tiff," he stopped her. "Take care of yourself," he asked plainly. "We need you."
Beneath her armor, Tiffany's shoulders relaxed slightly. She nodded without looking at him before continuing on her way.
OA entered the operations center. Stuart moved around, giving orders from his rickety wheelchair, one whole side of his body withered a few months ago by the venom of a lion-spider bite he couldn't dodge. He had become Isobel's right-hand man when Jubal was killed in a skirmish last year.
Stuart greeted OA with an urgent look and a tilt of his chin. He looked exhausted, but then, weren't they all?
"Isobel was looking for you." He pointed in the direction where OA could find her. "I think it's about Maggie," he said in a hollow voice.
Almost running, OA met Isobel across the room.
"OA," she said, taking him aside.
He deliberately ignored the eyes of the operations center following them grimly, as if they already knew what Isobel was going to tell him.
When they were a little apart, she sighed, rubbing the stump of the hand she had lost so many years ago, when the spiders first attacked the city, over her outgrown buzz-haircut head. Isobel wore her hair this short since Jubal's death. The only sign of mourning for him she could afford in a world like that.
She looked at OA with open commiseration in her eyes.
"Maggie got worse during the night," Isobel said without further ado. "She doesn't have much time left. I'm sorry, OA."
He struggled to control the tears and swallow the lump in his throat. He knew what that meant: the imminent transformation and the most merciful fate they could give to her.
"May I see her?"
"I don't know if it's a good idea..." Isobel hesitated, anguish and tears in her eyes. "I can take care of it."
"No," he replied with a tight throat. "I'll be with her until the end."
Isobel nodded, understanding. She accompanied him silently to the cell where Maggie had been held since she began to mutate.
"Have the rest of you already said goodbye?" OA asked as he walked in.
"Yes," said Isobel, wiping a few tears from her cheeks. "OA... Don't leave it to the last second. I don't want to lose two friends today," she reminded him before locking him inside.
In the cell, Maggie was strapped to a bed. The gas she was exposed to and from which OA was unable to save her had already begun to change her legs and arms, turning them black and sharp. The other pairs of legs were already beginning to appear on her sides. It was happening much faster than usual. Her bloated, sweaty face was pale as wax, but her eyes lit up when she recognized OA.
"You came," she sighed through parched lips.
"Yes..." he said, caressing her face tenderly. He brushed aside a matted strand of hair. "I'm here."
Maggie's expression contracted in pain and she grunted for a few terrible moments. OA cursed because he couldn't even hold her hand anymore. When it passed, he gave her a drink and rearranged her pillow in a futile attempt to make her more comfortable.
"OA, the time has come," Maggie said hoarsely. He closed his eyes, shaking his head. "Yes, my love," she insisted. "Don't wait any longer. Do it now... before it's too late."
OA's heart was breaking inside his chest. He felt hot tears roll down his cheeks.
"I'm sorry," he sobbed, "I couldn't... I couldn't protect you."
"OA," Maggie called to him, "OA, look at me. I need you to look at me."
He finally opened his eyes.
"Now, OA. Now."
With a trembling hand, OA drew his pistol. He slowly brought it up to Maggie's head. As he rested the barrel against her forehead, he kissed her lips one last time.
"Could you...? Could you smile at me...?" she pleaded. "I want the last thing I see to be your smile..."
Feeling torn inside, OA smiled warmly at her. He started to pull the trigger... But he couldn't do it. He put the gun away.
Maggie's eyes filled with disappointment... and then horror. The chelicerae opened her mouth disproportionately. OA froze. Maggie's body shook, bending and deforming, legs finally emerging from her body amid chilling screams of pain. Her restraints could no longer contain her. She was completely transformed and OA had nowhere to run. With a lightning-fast movement, she lunged at him. Two black legs ending in sharp claws stabbed violently into his chest, piercing him, tearing him apart. His blood gushed out, the pain was indescribable, but it was nothing compared to having failed Maggie so terribly and utterly, to having seen her eyes completely lose their humanity.
OA woke up suddenly, sitting up, panting and sweaty in the bed of his apartment. He needed several minutes of crying to overcome the pain he was feeling.
Above all, the need to be with Maggie wouldn't let him breathe.
He had tried, really, but the nightmares were getting more and more horrible and OA couldn't take it anymore. It was as going through what happened after the sarin gas accident again, but much worse.
He got up, determined to return to the hospital.
But he took some time to clean himself up and eat breakfast, so she wouldn't kick him out of there as soon as he walked through the door. And to try to be in a good shape to really take care of her.
The sun was already peeking through the buildings when OA's cab arrived at the hospital. He needed to hold her. He needed to have her breathing against him.
As he entered her room, his heart leapt into his throat as he found Maggie crying.
·~·~·
OA's huge, warm hands gently slid over her body, over Maggie's thin summer nightgown, slowly awakening her senses. He embraced her from behind, pressing his chest against her back. She basked in the familiar sensations his caresses invoked.
Dawn was breaking, slowly bringing the brightness of morning into the bedroom of Maggie's apartment. It was a day of rest for both of them, and OA liked to wake her up like this when they didn't have to go to work. And Maggie loved it when he did it.
Placing his lips on Maggie's neck, his thick beard produced a pleasant tingle that made her shiver.
He rightly took it as an invitation to continue. His hands grew bolder, reaching under the garment and inflaming Maggie's skin with his fingertips. Her breathing became labored.
Slowly, OA nipped her earlobe.
"Good morning," he whispered sensually in her ear.
Maggie turned her face to kiss him. OA complied softly and sweetly, as his hands continued to provoke an ever-increasing fire throughout her body, making Maggie need more of him with each passing moment.
Then keys were heard opening the lock on the apartment door.
"Honey! I'm home!"
Maggie sat up with a start, suddenly leaving OA's arms.
Jason?
She got out of bed and ran to the door barefoot, without even putting on a robe.
Maggie found him there, a warm smile on his face. Stunned, Maggie covered her mouth with her hand. It was as if he had just been away on a long trip and had finally returned.
"Jason..." she gasped.
She threw herself into his arms, and suddenly, he was really there: the familiar feeling of his embrace, his personal scent, his voice sweetly calling her name.
"Maggie..."
"I've missed you so much..." she said, clinging to him with tears of pure joy in her eyes.
OA had put on some clothes and followed Maggie. He watched dejectedly at the happy reunion; he looked down, understanding.
"I'd better go," he said quietly.
Maggie turned her head sharply. The deep sadness she found in his eyes broke her heart.
"What? No!" she exclaimed in fright. "Don't leave me. No, please," she begged. She turned away from Jason and approached OA, who was looking at her in dismay.
"Maggie... You can't have both of us," Jason said sweetly, as if to make her understand.
OA also shook his head, resigned.
That stopped her in her tracks. "But-" She looked at both of them alternately, confused. "I love you both! I love you both so much...!"
Jason took a step toward her and stroked her face tenderly.
"Of course, my love, and this will never change. We'll both always be here," he said, placing his hand over her heart. "But here..." He touched her forehead gently, "Here you have to let one of us go, Maggie."
"But- But I can't let you go, Jason. I can't, now you're back..."
He looked at her with commiseration and hugged her. "I know, honey. I know."
Out of the corner of her eye, Maggie saw OA duck his head. "I understand," he murmured, "I really do." His body started to become translucent. "Goodbye, Maggie." The character of his farewell was absolutely definitive.
Maggie stopped being able to breathe. Before her horrified eyes, OA began to fade... until he disappeared, as if he never existed.
She did nothing to avoid it, while her trapped consciousness screamed in despair.
·~·~·
To OA's bewilderment, Erin stood up from the chair beside the bed and stepped in, preventing him from entering Maggie's room. He had to force himself not to push aside her partner's sister in an attempt to come and comfort Maggie, who was sobbing almost silently, curled up on her bed.
Erin motioned for them to go outside. OA at first resisted, but then reminded himself he needed to control his reactions to Maggie in front of Erin. She didn't yet know the two of them had a relationship beyond work and friendship, and OA certainly didn't want her to end up accidentally finding out from him. Maggie had the right to tell her sister whenever she saw fit. Though the truth was, OA found it disturbing Maggie -after more than six months of being with him- still didn't feel confident enough about their relationship to have done so already. It was another bad sign, in addition to Maggie's reluctance to move in together.
Those were the least of his problems now, anyway. OA relented, and walked out of the room into the hallway with Erin.
"Maggie's been crying for a long time. She's very emotional..." she explained.
"Did she say why?" OA asked with a heavy heart.
"No. I tried to get her to tell me, but you know how she is. She didn't talk. Maybe it's the medication. OA... I'm worried. What the hell happened that night?"
Erin's eyes were clearly scared.
"It's difficult to explain..." He decided to stick to the official version. "I think we were under the influence of some drug."
"That alone would not have caused those injuries."
"I know. We are trying to find out."
Even though she was still hospitalized, Isobel had already dispatched a team of agents to the area and contacted the county sheriff to assist in the investigation.
"And I think she has horrible nightmares," Erin added, dismayed.
A knot tightened in OA's stomach. Not because he was surprised she was having nightmares, only the memories of what happened in that house were nightmares in themselves, but because Maggie hadn't mentioned anything to him. Worse. Because he hadn't even noticed.
"Please, let me go in to see her... I need to see her, I really do."
Erin didn't seem too sure and OA could barely control his frustration. If she knew he and Maggie were a couple she wouldn't even be considering it.
Finally, Erin agreed, but only as long as Maggie agreed. She went into the room to ask her sister.
The few minutes it took Erin to get back outside seemed like hours to OA.
When he came into the room, Maggie was perfectly composed, sitting with the back of the bed raised, hair combed and a smile on her lips.
The reddish color in her eyes, however, told OA all he needed to know. With Erin present, not running to hug her was one of the hardest things OA ever did in his life. He approached the bed, collected.
"Are you alright?" he asked with a hoarse voice.
"Hi, OA. Much better, thank you," Maggie replied casually.
OA felt like screaming. Instead, he nodded, politely.
"I have to go," Erin said then, bringing a subtle tension in Maggie's shoulders not unnoticed by OA, and which caused him intense unease.
"I'm sorry," Erin apologized. "I'm late for work."
"That's fine. Thanks for coming," said Maggie.
OA stepped back, giving Erin room to give her sister a hug goodbye.
He waited for the young woman to leave the room, and even let a few more moments pass, watching Maggie intently. She pretended to be distracted.
OA approached again and took her hand affectionately. "What's going on, Maggie?"
No fuss, but she withdrew her hand. And ignored his question. "You look, and smell, much better. You've had breakfast, I hope. If not, I want you marching on your way down to the cafeteria for scrambled eggs and coffee. I don't want you to faint on the spot," she said, lightly.
"Yes, I had breakfast at home. I asked you what is going on."
"With me? Nothing. Well, my wounds bother me a little," she carefully touched the bandage on her right side. "But that's all. I'm fine. Have you heard from Tiff and Stuart?"
"They are both home already."
"What about Isobel and Jubal?"
"They're also doing well. They will need time to fully recover, but they also will both be released soon. Isobel is already working on opening an investigation."
"This woman is gonna work herself to death one day," said Maggie humorously. It was obvious she was trying to distract him.
"And you're going to be the death of me if you don't tell me what's going on," OA snapped, frustrated. He sighed and softened his tone. "You've been crying and Erin says you're having nightmares..."
He leaned down and stroked her face lovingly. A shadow crossed her eyes, holding her breath. But it was only for a second.
"I don't know what you're talking about," she said matter-of-factly, but shied away from the touch of his hand.
OA's brow furrowed in dismay. "Come on, Maggie. Stop denying it and tell me what's going on."
She raised an eyebrow. "Are you saying I'm lying to you?"
"No, Maggie, but you're not being honest either. It's obvious you're not fine."
"Don't be condescending, OA."
"I'm not condescending. I'm worried, okay?!"
"No one asked you to worry about me."
"Asked?" said OA in exasperation. "No one has to ask me, Maggie. I worry because I love you." He couldn't believe he had to explain it to her.
It wasn't the first time OA had said it, those specific words, but it was the first time Maggie made a face as if it hurt her to hear it.
"Well, stop questioning me," she replied, raising her voice. "If I'm telling you I'm fine, I'm fine! Leave me alone!"
OA recoiled at the outburst. Maggie grimaced in frustration.
There was a knock at the door.
"Hello. Maggie? It's Hobbs, may I come in?" they heard on the other side of the door.
Fuck.
Isobel had texted OA that morning to inform him she was going to send Trevor to take both of their statements. He completely forgot about it.
"Fuck," Maggie said through clenched teeth, like an echo of OA's mind.
She apparently has received the same message from Isobel.
Not OA was enjoying the argument with Maggie, but he cursed their partner's gift of timing. At least, OA thought dejectedly, Maggie didn't seem pleased by the interruption either...
Trevor took Maggie's statement first, and to that end OA left them alone.
·~·~·
Maggie had a really hard time keeping her composure while telling Trevor what happened. The story itself was simply absurd. Her own words sounded demented in her ears and made her feel again as if she had gone crazy.
But then again, the conversation with OA didn't exactly leave her calm. She felt so bad for losing her temper with him. He didn't deserve to be treated like this. He didn't deserve it at all...
There was a moment when Maggie could hardly take it anymore, her voice breaking when she had to mention Jason. Trevor, concerned, let her finish without asking her any more questions, sensing Maggie's suffering.
"Okay. With this is I have enough. I'll let you rest," he said, patting her hand gently before saying goodbye. "Take care and get better soon, Maggie."
And he went in search of OA, to take his statement as well.
Maggie's insides were shaking. She folded in on herself no longer able to hold back the sobs.
When OA returned to the room, Maggie was lying on the edge of the bed farthest from the door, her back to him. She had stopped crying but didn't even have the heart to turn to look at him.
She heard him sigh, then noticed his weight on the bed as he lay down next to her. He hugged her warmly from behind, burying his face in her neck. The familiar sensation had a terribly comforting effect. She could feel his heartbeat against her back... Feeling unbearably selfish, Maggie cursed herself because she had no will to stop him.
"I missed you last night," OA said in a whisper before Maggie could say anything.
"I've missed you too," she couldn't help but reply, much to her regret.
"I've been having nightmares too," said OA. "I'm sorry, my love. So sorry."
Maggie's eyes burned with fresh tears. Her throat constricted, tight. "Sorry? Why? You haven't done anything wrong..."
"For the argument, for pushing you, for..." his voice trailed off.
It was obvious to Maggie he was keeping quiet about what hurt him most to say. She wanted to know what it was. No, she needed it. But she didn't know how to insist.
Fortunately, OA found his courage.
"For not being able to protect you," he said at last, his voice rasping as if the words didn't want to come out of his throat, "for letting myself be dominated by that stupid fear and not having your back. I failed you and you almost died because of me..."
Maggie shook her head furiously. "No, OA. Don't say that," she replied firmly. "You saved me. You saved me and everyone else. Do not say that again. It's not true and it's unfair."
Her conviction was overwhelming. Exhaling in relief, OA hugged her tighter. "I love you," he said, pressing his lips against her neck. "I love you so much..."
Maggie's heart twisted in pain.
She couldn't do this to him; she couldn't take advantage of his affection in this despicable way. "OA... You should go. You don't- You don't have to be here, with me, taking care of me..." Maggie added in a trembling voice.
"No, Maggie. I'm not going anywhere this time."
"No... I mean... We should end it." she felt herself dying inside as she said it. "We have to break up."
"What?" OA gasped puzzled and out of breath.
"OA..." Maggie struggled to find the words. "I feel like... Like I can't really love you, OA."
He remained very still. Maggie noticed him even stop breathing, the silence curdling around them.
"Not the way I should," she added, "Not the way you deserve to be loved. I can't do this to you. I-I'm not worthy of your affection," she murmured in a whisper.
Deeply ashamed, Maggie could not control herself, and she could no longer help but give in to crying. She felt OA sigh deeply behind her.
"Maggie... Look at me," he asked in a quiet voice. But she didn't turn around. "You are worthy of much more affection than mine. I wish I could give you it all. I don't think I can because it's so much, but I'm willing to spend my life trying..."
"I can't... I can't, OA," Maggie cried even more inconsolably. "I saw Jason, OA. I saw him there when I left the house. I know it wasn't him but..." Finally she gathered the courage and turned her torso. She had to look at his face to confess this. "Now... Now I can't stop thinking about him. I know I will never be able to stop thinking about him."
OA's warm black eyes blinked in confusion. "And who said you have to...?"
She could only open her mouth, bewildered.
"No. No!" she said with barely contained fury not directed at him at all. "You deserve someone who thinks of no one but you."
OA nodded thoughtful, as understanding. He reached up and caressed her cheek, brushing away her tears.
"Maggie... My sweet Maggie. I don't want someone else. I want you. And you don't have to stop thinking about Jason. I know he was one of the most important people in your life, believe me. You don't have to forget him to be with me. I would never ask it of you," he said, looking at her with his soul in his eyes. "You shouldn't ask it of yourself either..."
Maggie felt like she was in freefall.
OA placed his lips gently on Maggie's for a moment, once, trying to hold her, to bring her back to him, and looked at her, waiting to see her reaction. Maggie didn't know what he saw in her eyes, but he kissed her once more. And this time he didn't pull back.
The affection in OA's kisses actually managed to reach the tight knots of desolation and guilt that had been inside Maggie's heart for so long. Slowly, but surely, they began to be untied.
For the first time, she felt one day someone- OA... might get to undo them.
~.~.~.~