Lost and Found

Chapter 6: Hippogriffs and Talks

Harry woke up groggily, surrounded by a warmth that he was quickly becoming used to, and yet also not. Arms and magic were circling him. Arms and magic that should have been there all along, and yet were so cruelly snatched away from him, like he was from them. His stomach churned almost painfully and he felt bile rise up his throat. He jumped up and out of the bed, running for the bathroom and ignoring the concerned shouts of his name as he collapsed to his knees in front of the toilet and released the liquid burning his throat. He flinched when he felt a gentle hand on his back, rubbing it gently. But the feel of the almost familiar, calming, loving magic that enveloped him soon soothed his mind and heart.

He was shaking slightly as the bile stopped coming, his forehead resting on his arms which were crossed on the back part of the toilet seat as he tried to catch his breath and calm his still grumbling stomach.

"Are you feeling okay, Little Snake? Do you need anything?" he heard his dad say gently.

He lifted and turned his head to find his parents behind him, looking at him with worried eyes, and yet they were still filled with awe-inspiring love. His mum was still rubbing his back gently, and his dad was grabbing a flannel from a drawer and running it under the cold tap at the sink. Soon, though, he was bringing it over to him, kneeling down and rubbing it gently down Harry's face, and neck.

Harry flushed the loo and stood shakily, walking over to the sink to wash his hands, and brush his teeth.

"Would you like me to get you anything, Little Snake?" his dad repeated gently when he was done freshening up.

"Er, maybe some tea, and some toast again, and some bacon, please?" Harry said unsurely.

"Okay, I'll be back shortly then," Regulus smiled at them both and left the room quietly.

"Are you feeling okay?" his mum asked.

"Queasy, but I don't think I'm going to puke again any time soon. Hopefully, anyway," Harry said, leading his mum out of the room and back to the bed, where they sat down and tried to get comfortable again, against the headboard.

It wasn't long before Regulus was back, a tray laden with food and tea hovering in front of him as he smiled at his little family. And they were eating their food and drinking their tea in a comfortable, and yet sad silence. Pain emanating from all of them.

"Harry, there's something we need to discuss with you, if you are okay to, that is," Regulus said when they were done, concerned about something. Wary.

"Erm, okay," Harry said tensely, pulling his legs to his chest and holding onto them tightly.

"Last night I went to find Sirius. I… I wanted to see if he had any of the answers to the questions we have. He was in a cave, in a mountain near Hogsmeade," Regulus looked down, fiddling with his fingers for a moment before looking up at Harry, his heart clenching with the fear in those green eyes. The green eyes that weren't meant to be his, and yet they would continue to be until they could safely reverse whatever glamour was on him, "He is here now, in a cell. Buckbeak is here, too, being looked after by some goblins not too far away if you want to see him,"

"He knew?" Harry asked quietly, his voice shaking as his eyes filled with tears.

"He knew you weren't theirs from when you fell ill at five months old. He claims he didn't know you were ours, but we will find out more, as much as we can, as soon as possible. I believe some goblins are searching for Remus Lupin also, since he also knew that you weren't supposed to be Harry Potter," Regulus said as gently as he could.

Harry nodded, tears streaming down his cheeks.

"Can I speak to him?" Harry didn't know why he asked that.

Well, he did. He needed answers. He needed to know why. He needed to know why Sirius didn't do the right thing and get him to his actual parents. Especially when one of them was his own brother. He needed to know why the man offered him a place to live when he was free rather than telling him the truth. Especially when it was clear that he was jumping at the chance for an escape after knowing the man for only half an hour or so.

"Harry, baby, I… Is that really a good idea?" his mum said worriedly.

"I need to know. Maybe he'll give me more answers. Maybe… I need to know why. Please. The more I put it off the more likely I am to not speak to him. But I need to. I need to. Please. He can't hurt me can he? The goblins will have restricted him in some way, right?" Harry said, and although he tried to sound strong there was a slight quiver in his voice.

"He can't hurt you… physically," his dad said.

"Then can I go? Please? I… You can wait outside, and I will leave the room as soon as I need to," Harry said desperately.

He needed to do this.

His parents shared a worried look that seemed to hold an entire conversation in the space of only a minute or so.

"Okay. But we will be right outside, with some of the goblins, too, and if you need to leave you leave straight away, alright? Too much stress isn't good for you or your baby," his mum said gently.

"Okay," Harry nodded.

His mum gave him a robe to keep him warm in the lower parts of the Bank and then they were off, being led down to the cells by Healer Greyclaw, and somehow the King of the Bank and a dozen of his guards whom his dad had contacted as his mum was finding the robe for him.

Before he knew it he was standing in front of an old wooden door with a barred window of sorts, deep in the bowels of London.

"Are you sure, Harry? You don't have to do this today," his mum said softly, looking at him with worried eyes.

"I'm sure," Harry said, nodding his head.

The door was opened and he stepped into the small, dimly lit room. Sirius was huddled in the corner but he looked up from his knees the moment he heard the door open, and he gasped as he saw Harry.

"Harry," he breathed shakily, eyes wide and almost sorrowful.

"That's not my name, is it? Or, it's not meant to be my name. I'm not Harry Potter. I am someone else. Your nephew rather than your godson," Harry said, his voice strained, "It's funny actually, because I don't actually know what my name was supposed to be. You know, if I wasn't stolen from my actual parents. Or kept from them even when you all found out the truth,"

"Harry, I didn't- Lily was devastated when she found out that her son was dead. She couldn't just give you up, even if we knew who your parents were,"

"Yes, I'm sure you were all fucking inconsolable. But what about my actual parents? What about your brother? How do you think he felt believing that his son was dead for fourteen years? Do you know what it's like to lose your child, Sirius? Do you know that kind of pain? Do you?" Harry ranted, storming over to Sirius and kneeling in front of him, tears streaming down his cheeks and he let them fall.

"I didn't know about my son until I lost him. I didn't even know it was possible for me to get pregnant. Not that I was trying to, of course. But, well, the man I thought was my uncle was raping me whenever he had the opportunity to. I didn't know about my son until he was on the floor of the fucking shower, but losing him felt like I had lost a part of me. Losing him hurt more than anything else in the fucking world. And I have been living with that pain, pain which I shouldn't have had to experience, and wouldn't have experienced if I was with my parents, for two fucking years. I can't imagine what it's going to be like after fourteen years. Fourteen years of thinking your body failed you. Your magic failed you. Fourteen years of thinking yourself not good enough, worthy enough to be a parent. To be anything. And you let my parents keep feeling that way. By not finding out the truth if you really didn't know who they were. By not at least telling someone responsible who could have found out for you, and given me back to them,"

"Harry, I'm so sorry that you experienced what you did. I'm sorry. None of us wanted that for you," Sirius said, his voice shaking.

"I'm glad that the real Harry Potter is dead, because no one deserves this shit. And at least he had two people who loved him enough to bury him, and go to his grave for birthdays, and holidays, right. The wrong two people, sure. Because they were meant to be there for me. Not grieving. Not in pain. I had nothing after the Potters died. Nothing but hate, and pain, and hunger, and loss, and… Did any of you ever think that maybe, just maybe, if you had done the right thing… If you had found out who my parents were and given me back to them… If you had done that then the Potters might not be dead right now. They might still be alive. Because if Harry Potter is dead, then Voldemort had nothing to go after, right? They could have had other kids. They could be happy, and healthy, and alive, right now. You might not have gone to prison. You might even have been able to be my uncle if you had done the right thing. The war could even be completely over by now, instead of just stalled because he tried to kill me. But hey, so long as they don't have to grieve too much over their dead son, because they have another person's baby to cling to instead, then I suppose all of that pain, loss and suffering for the people who don't matter, not even the baby, doesn't matter, right. All those pesky little things don't matter so long as your best friends aren't in pain. Even if the person experiencing the pain they should be experiencing instead is your own fucking brother and his husband. Even if the wrong baby is put at risk of death, abuse, rape, and everything else, it's okay. It's all okay," Harry nodded.

"Harry-"

"My name isn't Harry," Harry screamed, "I'm not Harry Potter. I'm not him. I was never meant to be him. I was never meant to live this life. I'm not meant to be pregnant right now. I wasn't meant to lose my son. Though I wasn't meant to carry him in the first place, was I? Because I was never meant to be raped by Vernon Dursley. Not that the real Harry Potter should have had to deal with that either, but I had no place there whatsoever. I wasn't meant to do all this crap with Voldemort, and Death Eaters. I wasn't meant to be abused by people I'm not even related to. I was meant to be safe. And loved. And cared for. All by the people who have loved ME since the moment they knew about me. And they continued loving me even after they thought me dead. And you made them keep thinking that. You made me grow up abused. You made them think I was dead for fourteen years. You, and Remus, and the Potters. You may not have been the ones who took me. But you are the ones who didn't do the right thing. You are the ones who didn't give me back,"

Harry choked on a sob and he could see pain in Sirius' eyes. Pain and guilt.

"We loved you, Harry. We… We couldn't lose you, too," Sirius said.

"But it's okay for others to go on not knowing that their child is actually alive? It is okay for me to be given to people I'm not actually related to, and to be abused for the sake of some blood wards that don't fucking work because I'm not related to them? I'm having a baby, Sirius. I'm having a baby. The baby of the man I thought was my uncle when you were meant to be that man. You are my uncle, not him. Is that okay? Is it okay that I wasn't loved and protected. That I wasn't given any of the basics that a child needs. Is it okay that I am terrified of losing this baby too because the last time traumatised me so bloody much? Is it okay that I don't really trust adults because the vast majority of the ones I know have either lied to or hurt me? Was it okay that I jumped at the chance of moving in with you after knowing you for half an hour? Did you not think that strange? Did you not think that that might be a hint that I needed an escape? You had the opportunity to tell me the truth. You had the opportunity to tell me that the Potter's weren't my parents and that I needed to go to the goblins, or get an inheritance test potion, to find out who they actually are so that I can be safe. You had the opportunity to fix things and you didn't. You didn't help me. You didn't care. And I hate you. I hate all of you who had anything to do with hurting me and keeping away from my parents. I hate you for letting me lose my baby on my own in a shower. I hate you for letting me go through all of this shit. And I will never, ever forgive you for what you did to me, and to my parents," he whispered the last bit, his voice straining painfully against the tightness in his chest and throat.

"Harry, please, we didn't want you to be hurt. We just… we just didn't want to lose you. We didn't… We didn't think that you would be hurt if something went wrong… We didn't think-"

"Yeah, you didn't think. Because from what I gather, James Potter and the rest of you weren't great thinkers. Unless it was for the things you wanted for yourself. You didn't think about the pain you were causing, or could be causing. You just cared about not being in pain yourselves. And by doing so, you got two of your friends killed, and I was abused by supposed family members for thirteen years, whilst my parents spent fourteen years mourning me, not knowing that I was still alive, but being brutally hurt. And. I. Hate. You," Harry said, sucking up his strength to pull himself up to his feet and glare down at the man.

"Harry please, I didn't want it to turn out this way," Sirius practically begged, moving to his own knees.

"I know," Harry whispered, "But that doesn't make it hurt any less. Thank you for looking after Buckbeak. At least that shows you can look after something that isn't yourself,"

He turned and left the room as fast as he could, practically walking right into his parent's arms and soaking up their warmth and love, their magic, too.

"Can I go and see Buckbeak?" Harry whispered into his mother's shoulder.

"Of course," his mum said, wrapping an arm around Harry's shoulder and letting Regulus lead them to the room Buckbeak was being kept in.

Harry smiled when he saw the Hippogriff who jumped happily at seeing Harry, walking over to him and nuzzling his neck gently with his beak. Harry smiled, wrapping his arms around Buckbeak's neck and digging his face into the feathers of the gentle creature.

And then the bubble inside him burst and he couldn't hold back the sobs that wracked his body. The desperate cries of pain, and sadness, and anger, and loss, and everything else that he had ever felt crashed upon him in waves as he and Buckbeak sank to the floor, the hippogriff wrapping a wing around him and pulling him into his warmth.

"I don't want to do this anymore," Harry murmured into the soft feathers, his words catching in his throat.

And he really didn't.

Even as he thought he would.

For his parents if nothing else.

Hiya, how are you all?

I hope you all enjoyed the chapter. I am very sorry for the delay in updates lately for all of my fanfics, but life has been a bit of a disaster lately and I haven't been in a great place. We shall see how things go in the New Year I suppose, though already I think things next year will be better. I actually have plans first of all, and there is so much I have in mind to do. Both in terms of my writing (fanfics and original works), and just in life, haha. Fingers crossed, though.

Oh, also, would any of you be interested in reading a House M.D. fanfic, or many from me. I am in no way planning on ending my Harry Potter fanfic writing, I have at least twenty other ideas for Harry Potter stories that I want to, and will, write. But I also really love that show and have a number of ideas for things in that universe. So, if you are interested then please do let me know, because I am thinking of doing a little something something soon ;)

Anywho, I posted an essay/petition where I (un)officially explain why I think I should be cast as my favourite character, Severus Snape, in the new HBO series, despite the fact that I am a woman. It would mean a lot if you went and read it, but no pressure. It isn't going to lead to anything, unless, by some miracle, it goes viral, but it was fun to write. It is on my AO3, Maraudering_Paige. Feel free to go and check it out.

Also, I am working on some Spotify playlists for my fanfics, so if you can think of any songs you think work with the stories as they are so far, or where you think they are going, or songs that give you the vibes you get from the stories, then please do let me know and I will give them a listen, then potentially add them to the playlists. If you would like to go and give them a listen as they are now then you can find me on Spotify under the name Maraudering_Paige. They aren't that long at the moment, but we are making progress and I will continue adding to them the more music I listen to and when I have the time to do so. But still, if you can think of any relevant songs then do let me know.

I have a Facebook group called Maraudering_Paige which you are all welcome to join if you would like to and are able to. It is where we can talk about Harry Potter, fanfics, life, share memes and more. It is also where I have somewhat of an update schedule for my fics and will be keeping you up to date on what I am working on, in regards to fanfics, original works, and more things. So if you are interested in joining then I am more than happy to accept you all.

I also now have a TikTok and an Instagram for my fanfic writing escapades. The username is maraudering_paige on both of them so feel free to follow me, and we shall see how often and what kinds of content I can post when I can. But it is another way for me to keep you all up to date if you don't have Facebook and such, and for me to spread the word about other things I am working on and things I want to do and such. So yeah, feel free to join me on those if you are able.

And finally, if you like poems, then I write them and I have started a where you can read 1 or more poems every month depending on how many I have the time to post. You also get access to information about my original books I am working on before anyone else. And you get your name listed in the acknowledgements section of any book I publish whilst you are a Patron. For as little as £1.11 (plus VAT) a month. If you would like to join me over there and read some rants I call poems, and get updates on original work, then you may. My username over there is Paige_Makepeace. No pressure, by the way, you certainly do not have to if you can't or don't want to. I understand. I just thought it would be a cool thing to try. Any money made from this will go towards helping me write and publish the original novels I am working on. Including the one I am hoping to publish first which is a slow-burn, witchy, bisexual/lesbian enemies to lovers book. You will also be able to read the first draft of the first chapter of my book, so, if you are interested in doing that then feel free to go and subscribe if you want to.

If there are any other platforms you think I should join you all on then let me know and I will have a think.

I hope you are having an amazing day!

Kind regards,

Paige xx