A LITTLE BIT JEALOUS
NOTE: I wrote this to be consistent with the other stories in my series, but I believe it is not necessary to have read the earlier three to follow the events in this one.
Inez and Kaz had just left, going back to Kaz's place, of course. Wylan had given up trying to convince Kaz he could stay, and Inez had started to spend most of her nights with Kaz, instead of at Wylan's, when she was back in town. Jesper's suspicion was that even when Inej stayed at Wylan's, Kaz was sneaking into her room at night and leaving by dawn. He didn't even need to break in, as Inej surely left her window unlocked for him.
Kaz knew that Jesper and Wylan were aware of the change in the relationship between him and inej. But Inej had made it clear they were not to tease Kaz about it, question him, or say anything that indicated they knew. Kaz, she informed them, was being very twitchy about others knowing, concerned about her safety, and she didn't want him stressed. She had only recently convinced Kaz to join the gatherings at Wylan's home. She didn't want them making him uncomfortable with any comments referring to it, and Jesper and Wylan had complied.
Jesper was noting that Wylan seemed restless now, getting up, sitting down, fidgeting with various objects about the room. "What is it?" Jesper asked him. "Is something bothering you?"
"No, no, nothing….. It's just…" And Wylan just stood there, staring off.
Jesper came over and took his hand, pulling him to sit with him on the couch. "Tell me," Jesper insisted.
When Wylan finally spoke, it came out in a rush. "What does she see in him? She could do so much better. She's pretty, and smart, talented, clever, kind and fun. He's so dour, like a brooding crow. I know he's brilliant, but really, I just don't understand it."
Jesper was taken aback. What was this about? Wylan couldn't be…interested in Inej, could he? Jesper had been feeling confident in their relationship, and he'd never had any inkling that Wylan liked girls. Jesper didn't like the thought that Wylan might be interested in anyone else, he didn't like it at all. He didn't like this whisper of doubt in his chest. But he wasn't jealous; there was nothing to be jealous about.
"Well, a lot of guys woo girls with flowers, jewelry or fancy clothes. Kaz bought her a warship, and her freedom. Those are some pretty big presents."
Wylan waved this away. "But Inej liked him before that. Once Nina pointed it out, even I could see it. Jesper, you've known her a lot longer than I have. What do you think it is? When did it start?"
"Kaz did get her out of Tante Heleen's brothel. I'm sure she was grateful for that. Inej once told me that place practically killed her inside. Gratitude can morph into love."
"Well, ok, I can see that. But really," Wylan protested, "What does she see in him? What do you think anyone would see in Kaz, other than his cleverness?"
Jesper thought this might be going into dangerous territory. Because, once upon a time, Jesper too had been attracted to Kaz. Jesper started to squirm inside, because, like Inej, Kaz had kind of rescued him by bringing Jesper into his gang. Not rescued from a brothel, but from the debt his gambling addiction had placed him in. While Jesper's membership in the gang didn't erase his debt, the money he made at least gave him enough to survive, and hold off his creditors. And the thrill of the dangerous gang activities replaced the thrill of gambling, at least part of the time. At one point, Kaz had seemed to favor Jesper over the other gang members, and Jesper enjoyed the status this gave him. What about Kaz had attracted him?
"Inej told me once, that, when she was still trapped at the Menagerie, she would see how some of the girls working there would follow Kaz with their eyes when he was there delivering messages, and gathering information as part of his gang work. She thought many of them would have slept with him for free if he had asked. Even when he was only 14 years old, he apparently exuded a kind of mystery, a sense of power. He had a reputation for being clever, smart, ambitious, a rising star. And while he's not especially handsome, he's still rather good looking, in a reserved kind of way.
"And of course, in the last few years, he's only gotten more powerful. And he dresses well, not particularly stylish, but he does have a certain elegance in those expensive black suits he favors."
"So, you think Inej is attracted to Kaz because he rescued her; he's clever and powerful, he's fairly good looking, and he dresses well?"
"It's more than that. When he wants to, Kaz can turn on a kind of charisma or charm. You've seen it: he can talk people into doing things they would normally not agree to. That charisma can be very attractive.
"And another thing: once Inej became part of Kaz's inner circle of crew members, we were the ones he used for the most dangerous, difficult, and profitable heists. You were part of the Ice Palace heist. You saw what it was like. Those experiences, their very nature tends to create a bond between people, like soldiers in war. And even in the smaller things, Inej became the one Kaz would use more often than anyone. Those type of experiences, they can draw people together. Maybe that's part of it for her."
Jesper thought, I think it was that way for me. I used to be the one Kaz used the most. I thought Kaz saw me as special, before Inej became his favorite. And a small voice inside him reminded Jesper: You were jealous of her, back then. Not because he saw Kaz as interested in Inej romantically back then, and Jesper had already given up any hope that Kaz would ever be interested in him that way. No, Jesper, back then, had come to the conclusion that most of the rest of the Dregs had come to: that Kaz was asexual. But Jesper still had liked the idea that he was special to Kaz.
Wylan protested again, "But he can be so mean, so cruel. And he's scary when he's angry."
"But it's like, once he's got his hooks in you, you just accept that part of him. Especially when you see his anger directed toward enemies, when he's protecting you. He's most terrible to people who are disloyal to him, or who try to swindle him; so, if you're loyal, and you don't cheat him, the worst will never be directed toward you. And, well, one other thing: Kaz exudes a sense of dangerousness." Jesper shrugged, "Some people find that attractive too."
Wylan was looking at Jesper intently now. "You sound like you really understand how someone could be attracted to Kaz. Like, maybe, because you are attracted to him, too, like Inej."
Jesper started to panic. I've said too much. "No, no," he insisted, "that's not true. You're the one I love, not Kaz."
Wylan burst out, "But I've watched you, watching him. Your eyes following him, him and Inej. When it was just the three of us, when Kaz never came, it wasn't like that. You were different then. It felt more relaxed, and you paid more attention to me. Now, when they are here, you're focused on them."
Oh. My. Saints, thought Jesper, Wylan is jealous of Kaz. It would be hysterically funny, except Jesper didn't want Wylan upset, or doubting Jesper's love for him. Wylan couldn't know that his simple sweetness had banished any attraction that Jesper had once had for Kaz, with all his complexities, darkness and shadows.
"I'm sorry if I did something that made you feel like I was neglecting you, that I stopped caring for you. If I've been looking at them a lot, I guess it's because in some ways I'm fascinated by their relationship. I figured out more than a year ago that Inej had a kind of crush on Kaz. But for a long time, I figured it was hopeless for her, because everyone knew Kaz didn't show any interest in anyone that way. In fact, if anyone tried to flirt with Kaz, he would ignore them at first, then shut them down hard if they continued. And if someone tried to cozy up to him by touching him, he would react like they had tried to knife him.
"When Kaz started showing a special interest in Inej, I thought at first it was just about how pleased he was with what she could do for him. She was the best spider he had ever had by far. I was as shocked as anyone when Kaz started to show signs that he was attracted to Inej personally. But I still thought it was hopeless. I didn't think Kaz was capable of letting his guard down enough to let anyone in. "
Wylan crossed his arms and looked at Jesper skeptically. "I'm not buying this. You didn't look at them like a puzzle to understand. I think you looked like you were, I don't know, hurt or disappointed, or yearning."
Jesper looked down for a long time, deciding that he needed to share some part of the truth for Wylan to believe him. "OK, you're right. I'll admit that I am hurt, a little. But," he hastened to add, "it's not about wanting to be with Kaz. It's about the fact that it feels like he's taken Inej away from me." At Wylan's startled expression, and before Wylan could get the wrong idea, Jesper quickly went on, "Look, Inej and I were the two most important members of Kaz's crew, his inner circle. We were the two he used the most, and for the most important heists. Because of this, we spent a lot of time together. Inej was my best friend, and, I thought, I was hers.
"Since she and Kaz became a couple, however that happened, just like you said, she doesn't spend as much time with us, with me. I'm glad she comes as often as she does, but still, it's not quite the same.
"All those things I said about what someone might like in Kaz, there were just my guesses about what Inej might see in him. I'll admit Kaz has shown some good qualities, especially in the last several months. He's shown more caring for other people, in his own way. But he's nothing like you, except for being smart and clever, and you're the one I want to be with. To me, you're worth a hundred Kaz's. And while I care about Inej, you're the most important person in my life, well, you and my dad." Jesper pulled Wylan into a hug, and Wylan returned it.
"I'm sorry. I guess I was being silly."
"No, I'm sorry, if I seemed distracted, or less interested in you. I'll try to be better. I'm so grateful to have you in my life. I never want you to doubt how special you are to me. Am I forgiven?"
"There's nothing to forgive."
"Shall we go to bed?"
"I'd like that. You can show me how special I am."