CHAPTER 9 - TROUBLE IN PARADISE.
A/N - The chapter title should be enough of a giveaway what to expect... and yeah I might've felt a little ANGSTY for this chapter. Probably shouldn't have re-read 'Just Give Me a Reason' by littlee0618recently (btw-even though it's an impossibly difficult Finchel story to read it's just so SO good and well written-give it a read if you haven't yet!)
Rachel feels like she is losing her mind.
All the things she thought she was so certain of and could depend upon like oxygen seem to be faltering or entirely crumbling all around her lately. She's not sure if it's the stress of play rehearsals, wedding jitters, or simply the sudden lack of Finn in her life.
Three weeks ago she attended yet another stuffy uncomfortable family dinner with Jesse and his parents at their home in the Hamptons. While both of his parents are always polite and amiable, she inevitably feels an undercurrent of displeasure and lack of warmth in their words. Mother St. James had subtly criticized her choice of hors d oeuvres (not as impressive as the Winston's daughter's options), the color of the table linens (too ivory for her liking), and her choice of ice sculpture (it didn't 'speak' to her – because a freakin' ice sculpture should do that?) . Jesse had disparaged each of his mother's gibes but did very little to defend her choices in front the woman.
Jesse, for his part, has been testing her sanity and resolve as well. She knows he just wants her to be the best at her tradecraft and artistry that she can be, but there are times when she feels like he is not in tune with her wants and needs as well as he should be – personally or professionally.
More recently he's become image-obsessed, continually hinting that a nose job will serve her well in her professional endeavors, but she simply is NOT willing to do that! It's right up there with sex and harming animals on her list of things she's always sworn she'd never do to win favor for a role.
More of a concern than all of his overbearing career advice is his seemingly utter lack of personal attention to her. He'd been so different and even more distant than ever since he came back from his London trip. At least he finally clued her in on the purpose of that meeting...
A new project with a script that was still being written by a hot new playwright who's already had back to back minor success in the UK wants to work with them. Jesse would serve as the number two to the director they've already committed to the project – the caveat was that the playwright wanted Rachel to be featured as his Marlena, the female lead. This would essentially mean an originating role in a script written with her in mind as the lead on London's version of Broadway. It honestly was her lifelong dream springing to life. It was the opportunity of a lifetime for someone with her aspirations and yet, somehow it felt all wrong. Why? The role would require her to be partially nude for a number of scenes and Jessie insisted that a breast enhancement was practically a requisite.
THEY WANT HER TO GET A BOOB JOB?!
Rachel scowled with fury, firstly because why wasn't she invited to this meeting? Then scowled again as Jesse delicately danced on the perimeter of the idea of a breast enhancement the first time through, having told her 'darling it's not for me, I don't have any issue with your current endowments; it's simply for the betterment of the role'.
For the second conversation he was more direct, telling her she should get used to these types of requests now – and that if she just proactively heeded them it'd save her a lot of disappointment and lost roles later.
She was incensed at the audacity; she found the request contemptible and deplorable. She'd always maintained a strict mantra that NO ONE would ever dictate what she should or should not do with her own body! However, the longer she thought about the things Jesse'd said, the more his words seemed less irrational. It's not that SHE wanted these changes for herself, but maybe he had a point. Sometimes life is a cruel fashion show and Broadway is certainly no stranger to directors and producers judging books by their covers. Maybe it would make sense to have at least a little touch up here or there... nothing too dramatic. Natural.
She'd mentioned only the idea to Finn and he'd exploded.
"You're not serious, Rachel?! Plastic surgery has been in the top 3 on your HELL NO list for as long as I've known you!"
She countered with her reasons to even consider the possibility, saying "But if it would make me feel a little more confident, then I would most likely have better auditions, thereby improving my chances of landing the roles I want.. would it really be so bad?"
His rebuttal was simply "Rachel please don't do this. Your body is perfect the way it is. You are beautiful exactly the way you are. I really wish you knew that, and to hell with anyone else who doesn't see it – JESSE included."
She's always believed the motivation behind Finn's flattery was simply a means of boosting her confidence, but since the Pnina dress experiment, she wonders if maybe there's something deeper than that behind his words? She wanted to ask, but was sort of afraid of his answer; if it's only for the sake of her confidence then her heart might break.
Finn's praise has meant so much to her, because she knew he only ever said what he truly meant... and not knowing his real motivation for saying these things left a shred of hope for her to cling to that perhaps he meant it as more than just a friendly ego boost... perhaps as a way that threatened to reveal the real depth of his feelings for her.
It's also possible he only said this knowing she'd always been against the idea of augmentation and was trying to ascertain whether she's compromising her own beliefs – something Finn has seemed to be on some quest about since wedding planning began.
But the crack in his voice and the pleading look in his eyes when he all but begged her not to have any cosmetic surgery was so sincere and even a little desperate... It was enough for her to know how strongly he was opposed to the idea, even if she didn't fully understand why and was too afraid to learn the answer.
She knew he disliked Jesse but she'd always thought he'd at least humor her for the sake of their friendship until 'her boys' ever spent enough time together to become actual friends. But as time marched it was becoming an obvious impossibility; Finn's grimaces rarely went unnoticed any time she mentioned Jesse.
On a rare Saturday lunch date with her fiancé, she finally questioned him about his tux shop outing with Finn. She had planned to suggest they have a follow up lunch date now knowing that Jesse had been called away early, until Jesse erupted in cheerless laughter. In fact she'd say it was borderline sarcasm.
"Rachel darling. My sweet, I know he's your dear friend, but he and I certainly are not ever going to be close. And to be quite frank, you might want to reconsider spending as much time with him as you do. He really doesn't understand your career and professional ambitions, nor have any inkling what sacrifices may be necessary to achieve stardom on the level to which you are destined for."
"Wait, what are you suggesting Jesse?"
"I'm not suggesting anything; I'm telling you point blank. His influence on you is not particularly good, and it comes from ignorance and lack of professionalism. I don't say that as an intended slight; he's just not from our world, love. He simply doesn't get it"
"Am I hearing you right... You think FINN is a bad influence on me?"
"Yes. I also think he may be harboring a few unrequited feelings for you that cloud his judgment. We'd chatted a bit about your career and he reacted very poorly. I really don't understand the connection you have with him to begin with, you're so different from one another. I'm afraid those differences may prove detrimental to your future, and you just need to deal with that reality."
Rachel couldn't believe what her fiancé, the man she was about to marry and spend the rest of her life with, was saying. He's never been the jealous type, not really (she thinks his ego just won't allow for that). But this? Telling her to cut ties with Finn – her Finn – for the betterment of her career? Where was that coming from? And exactly what the hell had they talked about that day?
"Well, darling Jesse, let me clear things up for you. Firstly, I have no clue why you'd think Finn feels anything other than friendship towards me; I can assure that simply isn't the case and never has been." It sort of stung to say those words out loud, as much as she may secretly still be wishing the opposite were true. "More importantly, Finn is my very dearest, oldest and best friend in the world. And while I may be marrying you , I am NOT resigning myself to a life of indentured servitude to you! I will not EVER cast aside Finn or anyone I deem a close friend for the sake of my career nor simply because you have a differing opinion with them about anything. I choose my own relationships in life. Deal with THAT."
With that, Rachel hailed a cab alone and had locked herself in their bedroom for the remainder of the day refusing to speak to him. The next day she received an apology bouquet of red roses from Jesse. She appreciated the gesture, even if she's a little annoyed that he never seems to remember roses are NOT her favorite flowers, but it's the thought that counts, right?
She asked Finn to come to her apartment for a homemade lunch that same day. She wanted to talk more about the idea of plastic surgery, but also to discuss what exactly transpired the day of his tux shopping excursion with Jesse.
"Bite-Size, I think you've outdone yourself with this casserole. And I really have to thank you for feeding me real meat for a change! I don't know how you can cook chicken so well without actually eating it, but that was awesome."
"Aw thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it Finny, but it's your mom's recipe after all. She taught me well, so you should probably thank her. Anyway, um... There's a reason I wanted to have lunch in a more intimate setting today. I wanted to tell you.. I've been thinking about what you said, about the idea of me having plastic surgery. I've come to a decision."
Finn's gaze drops downward, fiddling with the linen napkin on the table with an uneasy feeling settling in his stomach. Had she set him up with this lovely meal just to drop a bomb on him? He really didn't want her to go through with these kinds of changes. His Rachel was already more beautiful than anyone he could think of and she simply didn't need to change anything. But he knows in his heart if it was something SHE actually wanted for herself, he wouldn't voice any more opposition; he'd support her decision even if he'd still disagree with her need to go through with it. He really just doesn't believe it'd be her choice and not Jesse's voice in her ear forcing it.
"My decision is that... you were right. I've always been comfortable with my unconventional looks and have always believed that my success should be based purely on merit; my talent should speak for itself and be enough for any director or producer, whether it's Broadway, LA, or anywhere else. And you're right – if they don't like me, they can 'go to hell'!
He exhaled and laughed heartily, motioning for her to come around the table to him. He pulled her onto his lap and into a tight embrace, then spoke softly into her hair "That's my girl... Rach seriously, you DON'T need to change a thing..." he pulled back to tuck a strand of her mahogany hair behind her ear and added "Anyone who tells you otherwise is a blind idiot if they can't see what I see."
She felt the lump building in her throat as tears welled in her eyes then spoke with a wobbly voice "Thank you Finn. Thank you for always knowing what to say and always making me feel like I matter."
He tightened his grip on her. "Hey... hey, don't cry. Of course you matter, Rach... is.. Is there something else wrong?"
"No, just... you're so amazing to me all the time Finn. I... I feel like I don't say it enough, but I really mean it when I say how much I need you in my life, and how important you are to me. I truly don't know how I would've gotten this far without your friendship and your unwavering support."
As she sits still perched in his lap, one of his hands in the small of her back, the other resting on her thigh, they gaze into one another's eyes for longer than maybe either of them intended. The space between their lips seemed to be slowly closing. Rachel was letting herself get lost in the molten honey topaz of his eyes and Finn was succumbing to that magnetic pull drawing him into her, when her cell phone suddenly buzzed and they both jumped with a start.
The magic spell had broken, and she was immediately on the other side of the table checking her messages. She sighs, and after tapping a quick response looks at Finn. "It's Janelle letting me know Jesse will be very late tonight and has to cancel our dinner plans."
Jesse. What a douche. Finn tries hard not to roll his eyes. "Sorry shortcake."
Having brought up Jesse and again seeing the look on Finn's face, Rachel feels this is an opportunity to find out exactly what happened between the two most important men in her life (aside from her fathers) that day which left Jesse wanting her to break ties with her best friend.
"Finn. What exactly did you two talk about at the tux shop that day?"
"What do you mean? I thought we covered this at brunch a few weeks ago."
"No, not really... Jesse and I had a bit of a, well, argument might be a strong word, but... he said some things to me and I wanted to hear from you what was actually said."
"Rach. I... Okay I've been wanting to talk to you about this too, but wasn't sure how to bring it up. Look, I don't know what he told you, but anything I said was in your defense. And Jesse? Rachel he's just not... he's not right for you. He doesn't understand you. And it sure feels like he doesn't respect you... so yeah, I mighta said a few things he didn't like, but I can promise you he said more than a few things I definitely didn't like."
Rachel sat slack-jawed, stunned at what he was telling her. Her best friend disapproves of her fiancé. And he's waited all this time to say anything about it – why? And what exactly had they said to one another?
"Finn, I don't understand... what did he say that you felt the need to defend me?"
"Rachel, you told me yourself you were willing to make some compromises and concessions, but that guy? That's all he's ever gonna want from you. He's a taker Rach. And the more you give in to him, the more he's gonna expect you to. I think I understand now, some of the explanations you've been giving me about the wedding plans and other things... they're a lot of what HE was saying that day. He's poisoning your head and filling it with junk."
"I don't believe that... Jesse has strong opinions, yes that's true, but... but he loves me, Finn. You just don't know him the way I do. And he just wants to help me succeed in my career, so yes he gives advice, but I don't always take it."
"Like the nose job idea. And – oh yeah – the BOOB job idea. I'm sure that was his suggestion too, right? Yeah Rach, real sage advice he's handing you."
"Finn! No, he didn't tell me I NEEDED those things, he just... he–"
"Well he told ME that you needed a nose job or you'd never land a leading role. He's manipulating you Rach."
"He most certainly is not! I'm.. I'm perfectly capable of defending myself and standing up for what I believe in, you know. I'm not just some silly school girl, some tragic desperate pushover! And... if you were so upset then why are you only just telling me this NOW, the second time I'm asking you about your day together?"
Finn blew out a hard breath and scrubbed his fingers through his hair. "I guess I didn't want to hurt you or upset you. I know you want me to like the guy, Bite-Size, and I swear to you I've tried... but, he's just not the one for you. And he can't ever be good enough for you. You're too damn special and deserve someone who understands you better than he seems to. And I don't just mean Broadway."
"I just can't believe you're dropping this on me now, Finn. And to be quite frank, I have to question why it is that nobody I've ever dated or been romantically involved with has ever met your high standards. You didn't like Mark in middle school, or Cal when he tried to ask me on a date once.. You didn't even like Noah – who was your best friend – when we started dating!"
"Yeah. And how did all of those work out Rach?"
"That's.. That's just not the point Finn! You.. You underplayed the events of that day with Jesse and now you're.. What, trying to break us up? WHY? I love him and he loves me, and we're getting married! Don't you want me to be happy?"
"Shit, Rachel of course I do! Of course I want you to be happy, more than anything, I swear to god I do... I just can't in good faith sit here and tell you I don't have a problem with this guy."
"He's not manipulating me Finn, you're wrong."
"You so sure about that? Cause an awful lot of the words from your mouth lately are the same ones I'd heard from him that day."
"I'm nobody's puppet Finn! Take that back!"
"I can't Rach. I can only see what his influence is doing to you, to your self esteem, to your feelings... he's even breaking down your confidence Rachel and it's bullshit. Look, he just broke a dinner date tonight. How many is that this month – hell this WEEK?"
"That's... that's not relevant at all! It's his job and he's–"
"Got a very important job that keeps him so busy, yeah yeah yeah. I've heard it all before. Rachel please wake up. He's a giant douchebag who is using you and your talent for his own benefit, and manipulating you and what's worse – you're letting him! I just don't get it. The Rachel Berry I know wouldn't have even considered plastic surgery. The Rachel Berry I know wouldn't be letting anyone convince her to change her stage name just because she's getting married. The Rachel Berry I know would've put her foot down at turning something as intimate as her own wedding into a 'social event of the season' or being told when she's ALLOWED to have kids... Where's your backbone gone, Rach? You're letting him do all this crap and it's... it's just not right! It's like he's turning you into a Broadway Stepford Wife... unless that's all you really care to become. Unless you're just using his name for career advancement, but I highly doubt–"
"That's ENOUGH Finnegan! I.. I - I just can't believe you can sit here and say these things to me! Especially at this point in time... I am nobody's puppet and... and I DO too have a backbone! Wanna see? I... I think you've said quite enough and you need to leave now."
"Rach, I–"
"No, Finn! You've said plenty already. I need some time to myself now. Before this escalates any further. Please just go."
"Fine... you want me to leave, I'll go. Just know this: I'm sorry if I hurt you... but I'm not sorry for what I said. Someone needed to tell you." With that he walked out the door.
...FRFRF...
Finn can't believe Rachel just threw him out of her apartment. Their first fight. Their first honest to god fight in all the time they've known each other. And it's over that royal ASS-CLOWN! She's never asked him to leave before, never shut him out like that.
She looked so hurt and Finn hates himself for being the one to put that hurt in her eyes. He hates himself for some of the things he'd said, just because he knows how painful it was for her to hear them – but he's sure he did the right thing. She needed to know.
Still, she's mad at him now for the first time in their relationship and he doesn't know what to do about it. She probably never wants to hear from him again. Maybe Jesse's claws are sunk too deeply into her heart and she'll never forgive him now.
As if his drama with Rachel isn't enough, he's got a lot on his plate with preparations for the bar opening. Deliveries are coming almost daily, as are the workers coming in out for all the renovation work. He's able to roll up his sleeves and do some of the work himself, but he's also got a crew of laborers doing a lot of the heavy lifting – utility upgrades, plaster and mason work, master carpenters refinishing woodwork... then there are local and state inspections to pass, plus finalizing branding and marketing for the grand open. So much of his time is being spent at the bar these days, it's leaving little time for anything else in his life.
But not tonight. Tonight he's really depressed over the fact that his best friend hasn't reached out to him since their fight nor has she answered his calls or texts. The same best friend whom he's in love with and can't seem to find the courage to tell her. And she still seems intent on marrying someone else.
No, tonight he can't work because she's all he can think about and he needs to stop thinking for a while. He's convinced that she hates him for the things he'd said to her and doesn't want to hear from him again. He loves her and now he's pretty sure he's lost her, and he hasn't even had the chance to tell her how he really feels yet. So tonight he goes out with Kurt and Blaine and proceeds to get completely shit-faced drunk.
After three hours, eight pitchers of beer and ten shots, Blaine appraises Finn's state and looks at Kurt. "Finn's had MORE than enough. We need to get him home – before we can't!"
Finn immediately starts shaking his head (causing his entire body to sway off balance even though they're seated in a booth). "Hey.. I'm jus jussss GREAT guys... the party's jus gettin' started... and HEY! Know what? My glass is alllll empty... I need another drink – OH awesome song! Guys, wanna dance? I feel like shakin' my boot-ay!"
Kurt rolls his eyes and interjects "Aaaannnd there's the cue. Finn, you never want to dance, you HATE dancing because you're an abomination of nature on the dance floor. Remember? Yeah, you're cut off and it's time to go. Come on big guy."
"Noooo... I'm not...{{hiccup}} not sooo bad am I? Rachie says I'm not. She likes to dance... I jus wanna make'er happyyyy. But she HATES me now so.. {{hicc}} Maybe you have a point."
Kurt hooks Finn under one arm and Blaine hooks under the other as they hoist his lumbering tall frame onto his feet. Kurt sighs as the trio try to find a stable walking pace "Finn, we both know Rachel is incapable of hating you. And since you've refused to explain whatever this little spat is between the two of you, I'm afraid that's as much sage wisdom or advice as I can proffer at this time."
"She's gonna marry that DOUCHE Kurt."
"If the douche you're referring to is named Jesse, then, yes. She is, so it seems. Is that what this is about?" Kurt shoots Blaine a look of curiosity... is Finn finally coming to terms with his feelings? Is he going to finally admit it now?
"I.. I.. HHHHAATE that fucker! He's rooonin her... wants her to chop off her nose and get bigger boobs... he's screwin' with'er head and'er heart.. And she, she ... she can't see it. Why? Why can't she see it too? Why'd he have to come back at all? He treats her like CRAP. She wants four kids you know? FOUR. And he doesn't want any... cause he's an arrogant ass-munch. Prob'ly better for the kids he doesn't want any... We'd have cute kids, she even said so. Hey, are those cheesesteaks? Let's get some food."
Kurt chuckles as they pass Stan's Steak and Shake shop. Spying an empty bench on the sidewalk, the boys make a careful B-line to plop the drunken giant gently as possible onto the bench and hope he stays upright on it. "Blaine, you can stay with my brother and handle all of THAT," motioning his hands in a circle toward Finn. "I'll go grab some cheesesteaks to go. He can probably use them to soak up some of the alcohol in his system."
Finn's head is lolling around from side to side on his shoulders. He starts fiddling with the buttons on his shirt as he continues his drunken banter. "Blaine you're a cool dude know that? I like your bow ties. Maybe I should start wearing bow ties.. Then maybe Rachie would talk to me again."
Blaine belly-laughs. "Uh, thanks Finn, but I don't think it'll take bow ties for her to talk to you again. So, you don't wanna talk about what happened with you two that's ended with you in this condition?"
Finn looks at Blaine with glassy eyes and struggles to keep them focused. "You're a good, good guy Blaine. Kurt's a lucky dude. Even with your jelly-goop hair. I'm gonna tell you a secret, 'kay. Can you keep a secret?"
"Uhh... yeah, sure I can Finn. I'm listening."
"Shhhdon' tell anyone m'kay? She only thinks she loves him, Blaine... she thinks so but, she thinks.., she just thinks that 'cause she thinks he loves her. But he doesn't. He doesn't love her... not like I do."
Blaine can't help the mixed feelings of elation and shock at finally hearing Finn's confession. Did he really hear that right? "What do you mean Finn? You love her? Since when?"
Finn shrugs. "Since I kissed her. No... Prob'ly before then."
"Wait what? Is that why she's mad at you, because you kissed her? When did you kiss her?"
"In the closet. And she laughed at me. LAUGHED! And she made me pinkie swear but I didn't wanna.. I wanted more watermelons."
What? Watermelons and closets? OH.. Blaine remembers his lunch with Rachel and decides he's gotta be talking about seven minutes in heaven. "Okay... so you kissed her. And you really love her."
"I do.. I like reeeeally super-duper love her... like SOOOO so much... she's so awesome, dude. She's so soft and beautiful and smells so pretty... and she sings like an ANGEL! Her kisses are like magic. And she might not know it but she loves me back. She knows me better than I know me. Better than anyone. I'm in love with my bestest friend, Blaine, and she hates me now. HATES ME. And Tana's gonna chop off my junk and cuss at me in Spanish. But I don't care. I gotta do it Blaine. Whaddam I gonna dooo? All my girls are gonna hate me. And I'll be allll aloooone... and junkless. That's like a Munich, right?"
Finn's eyes start rolling to the back of his head and his eyelids are starting to fall. Blaine shakes him by the shoulders and slaps his face a little trying to keep him alert. "Stay awake buddy, come on Finn. We just have a few more blocks to go to get you home, then you can sleep."
"Huh? I'M UP! But jus don't tell her I told you that, because I didn't tell her yet... even though I'm not good 'nuff for her. I'm just a boozer-loser with a bar, but she's like... a superstar. Hey that rhymes. But yeah someday I will... Do I smell cheesesteak?"
"Y-yyeah... Kurt's getting you some. And don't worry, I won't tell her."
"Tell who what?"
"Rachel."
"Oh. I love Rachel."
"I know, Finn."
Kurt comes out with two bags of carry out and assesses the sight on the bench. "Okay let's get a cab. I am NOT carrying him the next three blocks."
Blaine looks back with a blank expression. "Good plan."
...FRFRF...
"So you're saying he actually FINALLY admitted it? Seriously, it only took getting him PLASTERED for him to say the words out loud? And I've only been working on this admission for nearly half my life and he just blurts it right out to you?"
"Cross my heart Kurt, he said it. In absolutely no uncertain terms. And well, maybe it took a fight with Rachel AND him getting plastered before he said it out loud. He's in love with her... and I think he plans to tell both Santana and Rachel. I think he's going to break his engagement, Kurt. Or maybe that was just the tequila and fireballs talking."
"Well... if he was able to admit it out loud through that drunken stupor then it must mean he's actually thinking about it that much. But he's always procrastinated to the point of missing opportunities, so I guess we'll just have to wait and see how this plays out."
...FRFRF...
Carole meets Rachel for a girls only lunch near the theater where Rachel is about to begin rehearsals for the play.
It's been over a week since Rachel and Finn had their disagreement and they hadn't spoken to one another in that length of time. Finn had initially tried to reach her the first couple of days, but when she didn't respond he'd decided maybe it was for the best that he kept some distance.
Between the bar renovations and the fact that he still hadn't broken things off with Tana, he needed his own space at that time too, even though it was killing him to be apart from her. They'd never gone more than a day or two without some form of communication the entire time they've known each other.
"So have you spoken to Finn yet?"
Rachel sips her water and lemon juice. "No. He tried to contact me a week back, but I wasn't ready to speak to him yet, and I haven't heard from him since. Carole... I - I'm afraid I've maybe lost him forever."
The older woman laughs loudly, throwing her head back, then pats Rachel's hand. "Oh sweetie, you will NEVER lose him... HELL would sooner freeze over before that happened! Even then he'd just get a flamethrower and a parka and find his way back to you."
Rachel tried to smile but it was forced. "I don't know. I was really cruel by throwing him out like I did. You didn't see how hurt he looked when he left that day."
"Rachel, honey, can I ask you something personal? You don't have to answer but... I just wondered why you and Finn have only remained friends and nothing more after all these years."
"What do you mean? Of course we're friends, he's my best friend."
"No I know that dear. I'm just... I like to think I know my son pretty well. And for all the time you spent in my house for more than a decade growing up, I've seen you both together a lot... There were times when I was sure you two felt more than just friendship, something more romantic. I just wondered, did you never feel that way about Finn?"
Rachel feels a little put on the spot. She hates lying – especially to someone she loves so much and regards as a mother figure. She decides she needs to be as honest as she can without rocking the boat too much.
"Well, maybe when we were kids, I may have had a little crush. But Finn never seemed interested in me like that, so I just got over it."
"Honey... how could you not think he had feelings for you like that? Not that he never admitted it to me, but I know my son and the signs were all there."
"You... Do you really think he felt that way for me? Well, I guess it doesn't matter much now since we're both engaged and the weddings are less than two months away. But still... I never would've guessed. I mean, he never showed it or said anything along those lines."
"Rachel. He was an awkward, sometimes shy – and let's be honest, a little slow – teenage boy. Those types rarely admit their feelings. And Finn especially wouldn't likely act on them first... not unless he was led in that direction."
"So you think if I had been the one to make the first move, we might have... well. No, I'm sure that isn't the case. But even if it were, that was a long time ago. Maybe he had a little crush on me a million years ago too, but we've grown up and lead our separate lives. And at least we still have our friendship – which has always been the most important thing to me. To both of us."
"Even though you're still avoiding him."
Rachel sighs. "I guess I'll have to be the one to make the first move, right?"
Carole smiles. "You know how Finn is too.. You both have your overly dramatic stubborn ways sometimes."
"That's true I suppose."
"And tell me... you're happy? With Jesse, I mean? He's good to you?"
"Oh.. yes. Jesse is wonderful! He treasures my talent and is really helpful with my career. He's very understanding and supportive."
"Mmmhmm. But I wasn't asking about your career honey. I mean, yes, it's great that he understands your chosen profession and all, but... he loves you and you're happy, right?"
"Of course. We're getting married."
"Yes I know... You know, I don't think I ever told you this story... When I was being courted by Christopher, I was actually still dating another young man. His name was Randy. And I was so in awe of him because he could draw and paint so well... that's where we'd met, in a studio art class."
"Oh! I didn't know you had an interest in art!"
"Well, it's a long forgotten hobby now... but back then it was something I was very interested in. And so was Randy. And he and I spent hours together working on projects and he'd teach me some brush techniques and I thought he was the cat's pajamas."
Rachel beams a smile. "But Christopher came in and swept you off your feet?"
"No. Well, he'd asked me out once, and I told him I was dating Randy. To which he said Randy was a jerk who couldn't appreciate me the same way as he did. Then he knocked over a chair and didn't speak to me again."
Rachel's eyes went wide, thinking how the apple didn't seem to fall far from the tree. "Are you kidding? So how..."
"I was left alone to think about what he said. And as a little time passed, I realized he was right. Turns out Randy was actually sneaking around with a girl named Trish, whom he'd said wanted to pose as a model for him... A nude model."
"OH MY! How scandalous! So... Randy turned out to be a cheating jerk, and you made the next move with Chris?"
"Randy turned out to be an INCREDIBLE jerk... so I broke up with him. Then two weeks later Chris asked me out again. That time I said yes. Fourteen months later I was engaged to him, two months after that we were married. And of course Finn was born a year later. Finn reminds me SO MUCH of his father sometimes."
"I wish I could've known him. I've always felt so bad about his untimely passing. You know, that's what drew me to become Finn's friend in the first place... his sadness over losing his dad."
"I know. I remember that day Finn came home and YOU were the only thing he talked about all night long. The crazy bossy little girl who wanted to ride the see-saw. The one with the magical giggles."
Rachel couldn't hide her grin or her blush. "Magical giggles? He really said that?"
"Yes he really did... he also said he loved the music you made, that it made him feel 'floaty' and it was the best feeling on earth, better than roller coasters or dirt bikes. Of course at age 8 I had to question how he knew anything about how dirt bikes felt, and naturally I assumed it was something to do with Noah."
Rachel giggles softly then realizes tears are streaming down her cheeks. "Well. It's funny he never shared that with me after all this time.. We tell each other everything."
"RIght, but as I said, he's Finn. Words haven't always been kind to him and he doesn't always know how to talk about his feelings – especially the ones that are wound so tightly around his heart. Some call those feelings 'heart strings', some call it soul mates... Finn once called it a tether."
...FRFRF...
Thirty minutes after the end of her ladies lunch date, Rachel found herself in a cab headed to the little bar that was currently being renovated in hopes of finding its owner inside.
"Hello... Finn? Are you in here?"
Finn runs out from the back room and sees her standing there in all her lilac sundress colored glory, hair up in a loose bun with curly tendrils framing her face and looking more beautiful than ever. "Rach, I'm here... And you're here."
She curls up a tentative smile while looking around, avoiding eye contact. "I am. The place looks really good Finn. Things are coming along well?"
He shoves his hands deep in his jeans pockets and softly shrugs one shoulder. "Yeah. Hopefully on track for the grand opening before Halloween."
They fall into a tense silence as Rachel carefully makes her way around the bar room, examining all the work that's being done.
She gasps at the sight of the newly finished bar, running her hand along the smooth surface. "Oh! The bar top looks incredible, Finn! They finished the restoration?"
"Yeah, it turned out better than I'd hoped... Umm.. Rach? Why are you–"
She spins around to face him. "I missed you so much Finn. I'm so so sorry. I know you were just trying to be honest with me and I don't know what came over me that day. I just.. Overreacted. You know how I get."
"I do... but I'm sorry too, Rach. I never meant to hurt your feelings. I just worry about you, y'know?"
"Yes, I know. I was just... surprised to hear some of the things you said and. And maybe you weren't all wrong. But I'm glad you said those things to me... you're right, someone needed to say them, and if it wasn't you it wouldn't have been anyone at all."
He smiles his half grin. "Can we make a promise to NEVER fight again? Or at least to never go a week without talking again? Because Rach that sucked so much thinking you hated me and–"
"NEVER! I could never hate you Finn."
With tears streaming down her face, she runs into his waiting open arms for a bear – no, a FINN hug. She'd missed the warmth of his arms wrapped around her, his musky sweet Finn scent swirling all around and hearing the sound of his heartbeat as she rests her head against his chest.
He swallows down the lump in his own throat and kisses the top of her head, breathing in her sweet strawberry scented shampoo, relishing the feel of his missing puzzle piece clicked back into place.
"Good to know Bite-size. You had me worried for a while there."
She looks up to face him and thrusts her little finger at him, which he naturally wraps his own around, as they pinkie-swear to never go more than a day without speaking again unless physically incapacitated.
...FRFRF...
Two weeks later, the day had arrived for their big Glee reunion slash night of celebration of both upcoming weddings.
As previously agreed upon, the pair of couples and their combined wedding parties (mainly former Glee club members) were all set to head out for a night of celebration that would take the place of the typical bachelors and bachelorette parties.
The evening would consist of fun, food, drinks and music of course (especially karaoke) in a private party room at RPM Underground – a popular Manhattan nightclub. The group had decided to have their Glee reunion party a little earlier than tradition dictates since it fit better with the theater schedule for Rachel and Jesse and also for Finn with his bar renovations.
Jesse insisted that he would cover the expense of the private party room for five hours (hoping this eased some of the sting to Rachel for his early departure) while Santana had talked her daddy into splurging for the super-stretch limo of her dreams for the entire night (and yes, it included a fully stocked mini fridge AND a disco ball plus a killer sound system with iPod dock – though sadly, no hot tub).
Before the night's festivities began, Jesse and Rachel were preparing for their night out while having a last minute bicker session over play rehearsal schedules, table settings and centerpieces, seating arrangements, and the fact that Jesse was only going to be able to attend their evening's outing for about an hour or so, since there were last minute third act script edits to finalize and things he needed to do at the theater before an impromptu meeting with the investors that he could not miss later that evening.
Rachel was furious because he should've insisted on having THIS night off of all nights, especially given all the advanced notice he'd had to plan ahead and fit this party into his schedule. But the meeting and script changes were last minute and she understood the business of Broadway well enough to know that no matter what, the show MUST go on – even if it meant raining on HER parade.
...FRFRF...
Meanwhile, the other couple at Finn and Santana's condo were also having an argument, however theirs was over Santana's insistence that she'd be spending the night at Brittany's place after the party, since Britt was treating her to a spa recovery day the next morning and then off to do more wedding preparations. They still hadn't found the most perfect bridesmaid dress for Britt and hoped to accomplish that this weekend.
Finn didn't mind that Tana had such a good friend in Britt, but he sometimes felt as though Britt was more her priority than he was, and he'd even mentally questioned some of the hugs and other touches he'd seen exchanged on occasion between the pair over the years. He wasn't around them alone together very often though and just assumed it was the nature of their friendship – not so unlike his own with Rachel – especially since Britt was so cuddly with everyone in their circle of friends.
The thing that bothered him the most however, was that their wedding was only a month away and she's telling him they still haven't found Britt a bridesmaid's dress. She's supposedly gone on at least five separate weekends with Britt so far and they seriously haven't found a dress? He's beginning to wonder if Tana has even chosen her own wedding dress yet. Don't those things need alterations and multiple fittings and time to be properly ready to wear? He knows they do, he's been listening to Rachel (and Kurt) chatter on about it for a while now.
As if they weren't already squabbling over enough issues, those matters turned out to be the tip of the iceberg. This is just great timing...Finn's been so stressed out since realizing his feelings for Rachel and also with all the bar renovations that he'd gotten sloppy at home and left things laying on his desk that he hadn't been ready to share yet. Of course Tana would find it TONIGHT and of course, it just led to a bigger fight than the one they'd already been engaged in.
In his haste to meet a plumbing contractor at the bar, he'd left some of the marketing materials out on his desk at home and she'd finally seen the bar's name and logo for the first time. Even though she is an investor, she's remained a SILENT party in accordance with the terms they'd set from the beginning. Silent, that is, up until now.
"You can't be serious Frankenteen! Why? Why would you choose this name?"
"Tana, the bar is MINE y'know; your investment only gives you 10% ownership interest. I do have the right to choose whatever name I see fit, and it seemed perfect for this place. I don't see what you're getting so bent out of shape about."
Actually, he does... that's why he'd never bothered to discuss this with her and tried to keep this nugget of info at bay for as long as possible. He figures maybe he can deflect some of her venom if he turns the tables a little bit.
"Anyway, I don't see why it should matter to you. You were supposed to remain a silent investor... and you've managed to be SO silent I haven't really heard ANYTHING from you in practically months now! You're always with Britt or god knows where because you never tell me a damn thing!"
"Whoaaa.. You don't get to dictate my schedule OR my whereabouts, Stretch! Since when is it a problem for me to be around MY best friend, when we BOTH know how cozy you are with YOURS!"
"That's not fair Tana! You know full and well we've been planning our weddings together – at YOUR insistence I might add –y'know, the sort of thing MOST brides to be would prefer to be doing themselves?! Oh, but not YOU of course, you can't be bothered in the least! Why is that exactly Tana?"
"Don't throw this at my feet Finn... you knew I'd never be THAT bride. I'm not that girlie girl like Rachel."
Finn sighs. The hem is fraying now so he figures he might as well tug the string and unravel the whole damn thing.
"Do you love me?"
She snaps back at him from her seat at her vanity mirror. "What?"
"Do you love me, Tana?"
"Finn what the fuck are you..."
Finn stops from putting on his socks and shoes and looks at her. "It's not hard. It's an easy question – a yes or no question."
"Is it though? What if I asked you the same about Rachel?"
He shakes his head, hoping to avoid discussing Rachel at all if he can help it. "Hey... This isn't about Rachel right now, it's about you and me and–"
The feisty Latina turns from the mirror to face him directly, folding her arms across her chest. "Let's make it about her then, shall we Finn? Do you love her?"
He sighs and hangs his head. "Do you want the truth?"
"Nothing but."
"Yes."
She nods but turns back to face the mirror. "And me, Finn? Do you love me?"
He stands up and walks over to her, settling a large hand lightly on her shoulder. "Of course I do, Tana but..."
She squirms and swats at him to shuck his hand away. "Bullshit. You can't love us both. Not like that."
"Well maybe I could ... and in alotta ways I do, but the truth is.. you're right. I guess... I guess I've always loved her, Tan. I just didn't, couldn't–"
She narrows her eyes and looks at him through the reflection in the mirror. "You didn't hide it so well you know, Finn. I've always known. From the beginning."
He can't hide his look of surprise. "What do you mean? Rach and I were always only friends and–"
"Yeah keep telling yourself that, Lurch. Just like you've been doing for over a decade and a half. How's THAT been working for ya? Hey – Gots me a couple bridges for sale REAL CHEAP too as long as you're buying! C'mon Finn... can you really stand there and tell me you didn't know how you felt about her all this time?"
He rubs a hand over the top of his head and thinks for a beat. "I... Truth is I pushed it aside... for years. I didn't think she wanted more than friendship, so I buried it. I DO know exactly how I felt a long time ago. But I also know it never completely went away, so I guess it's been right there under the surface all this time. I'm so sorry..."
"Don't."
"But I am, Tan.. I never wanted to hurt you, and I really do love you.. Just..."
"Just, you're in love with her."
He let out a long breath. "Yeah." There. The truth was finally out.
"Well. Don't beat yourself up too much."
"But this is a really shitty thing to do to you, you don't deserve this, and I feel like human garbage."
She shrugs. "Nah. You won't in a minute..."
Finn's eyes narrow. "Why, what do you mean?"
"Hey you've had your secrets and I've had..." She turns around to face him again as he sits back down on the edge of their bed. "Me and Britts... partly why – a big part why – we've spent so much time together lately is... I've been having a problem that she was helping me figure out."
"What kind of prob–" He cuts himself short because something in the look in her eyes and her body language is telling him what he's sorta been wondering silently for a long time now. "... oh. Hold on. All those weekends away, just the two of you... You and... you mean you're... not just friends."
"Yes. I wasn't sure before, but I am now." Finn sucks in a long slow deep breath and stares blankly at the wall. "Hey Finn, this isn't about rejecting you or whatever, I mean it shouldn't make you feel any less of a man, or less of a lover or–"
"Oh okay... I mean, my live-in girlfriend of more than four years and fiancée has just told me she's actually a lesbian , but, SURE." He pauses for a beat then looks back to her eyes, which have softened considerably. "But yeah. I know, I get it.. It's not about me. It's about you coming to terms with yourself. How... why didn't you ever talk to me about it though? Did you think I wouldn't understand, wouldn't care, wouldn't accept you?"
"Honestly I was still in my own denial, Finn. I couldn't accept it for MYSELF.. how was I ever gonna tell you?"
"But there had to come a point where you started to figure it out or at least were questioning it, and you still didn't say anything."
She looks down at the geometric-shapes patterned blue shag rug. "I don't know. Maybe I didn't wanna hurt you. Maybe I was afraid to face you... it was hard enough to face my own reality, to accept myself for who I was. I wasn't ready to let anyone else in there yet."
"Okay. I guess that's fair. Like you said... not about me."
She nods with a slight smile. "Right."
"So... are... are you and Britt...?"
"I'm not really sure we're using labels or anything yet... I'm not completely comfortable with, like, the WORLD knowing right now. I um... I started seeing a therapist, someone who specializes in this stuff..."
"You did? Tana that's... that's great. Seriously. I'm glad. I'm glad you have a support system." He crosses back to her and kneels down, taking both her hands. "But I hope you know you can count me in that support system too."
"You don't hate me?"
"What? God no, Tan!... for all the shit we've been through together, how could you ever think that?"
"Well it's not the most impossible outcome to this really fucked up situation right?"
He laughs heartily for a minute, then focuses back on her. "Well maybe with other people, but not me. Not us.. I couldn't hate you. You should maybe hate me."
"Why, for having an emotional affair for over a decade with your best friend?"
He pretends to be insulted. "Hey! Low blow... I didn't know either, okay?"
"I'm joking, Finnessa." Tana slaps his forearm with a soft smile. "I did love you too, you know.. I DO love you. Just..."
"Just not in a 'has the right plumbing' kind of way?"
She busts out laughing. "Exactly, yeah. But, truth? The plumbing you DO have certainly works GREAT," she holds up a thumbs up while nodding "- like seriously 5 stars. I mean, if I were really into the whole laying pipe thing, you'd definitely be my first pick. Be proud... Way better than Puckerman."
Finn's face turns about 50 shades of crimson then he belly laughs. "Seriously? That's your recommendation huh?"
"Hell yeah, I'ma put up a 5 star YELP review of that shit if they ever come out with a category for THAT."
He runs his hand over his face still chuckling. "Oh god... So. Better than Puck, huh?"
"MUCHO MEJOR que Puck!"
"Wow... thanks. Good to know. Can I maybe get you to put that in like, an audio / video format? Be great to spring it on him next time he pisses me off."
She narrows her eyes shaking him off, "Fuck that, just say the word I'll be there and tell it to him LIVE."
Finn laughs hard and pulls her up into a big hug. They just stand in a tight embrace for a few minutes listening to each other breathing. She finally breaks the silence after a long beat.
"So what now."
He drops his grip on her and rubs the back of his neck. "Well.. I mean, shit. We're supposed to be getting in a limo and heading out with all our best friends in a few here.. Uhh... "
"Finn I - I don't want everyone to know yet. Not about me, and well... I guess not about us yet. For sure not tonight. Is that okay?"
He pauses for just a moment but then easily responds, "No you're right. I mean hell, we kinda decided this at the last damn minute here, and uh... hey, we've been keeping up appearances for this long, right? What's one more night? Let's just go, have fun with everyone and um... Maybe we can try to avoid too much discussion about the topic tonight. Hopefully they'll all be too wasted to ask too many questions anyway or to remember the next day if they do."
"Yeah that works. But then what? I mean, I can start packing tomorrow... I just need to get some shit worked out."
He quickly shakes his head and takes her gently by the shoulders. "Tan, there's no rush for anything. You take your time, you stay here as long as you want, as long as you need. Honestly, I may have to move too, might not be able to afford the rent alone... But we have all the time in the world to work out all of that."
She wraps her arms around his torso. "Thanks Finn. Maybe we didn't work as a couple but you're still one of my very best friends and I love you." She pulls away and asks suddenly, "So does Rachel know yet?"
"Know... about how fucked up I let everything get by falling for my best friend? No. I haven't talked to her about it yet. I... I wanted, well I needed to work this out with us first. And... I'm not even sure I CAN talk to Rachel about this... or that I should."
"Dios mío! Finn! What the hell are you talking about, of course you have to tell her! That St Dickhead needs to get schooled and sent packing, como ahora. I never liked that smug little prick."
"Well Rachel does, apparently, for reasons I cannot wrap my head around. This is HER HEART I'm messing with here, the stakes are pretty high, Tan. I just... I don't know if confessing anything is going to be the best thing for HER. She might not feel this way, and this might... gahhh I'm just terrified I'll lose her because I went all sappy and got hard core feelings for her and stuff."
"The fuck are you... Do you even have eyes? Or a brain? Finnessa, I've watched you two from the start, remember? Seen you grow up together.. and BELIEVE me, she has feelings. You will never lose her. I swear, both of you... un par de idiotas en negación!"
"Okay yeah, I might be un idiota. But... I'm still scared of spooking her, or pissing her off, or, or..."
"Don't be. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? Besides, your friendship with her is so sacred, so tightly bonded, I don't think anything could truly pull you two apart, certainly not for good. I've actually always been secretly envious of you both."
Finn looks at her with wide eyes. "Envious? Is that why you treated her like so much shit when we were little?"
"Maybe. Well, that and those hideous goddamn cat sweaters and shit. Santa cristo!"
"Hey, I liked her cat sweaters."
"Because you're fucking weird Finn." She laughs and shoves him gently. Then asks "So we're good? Me and you?"
"Yeah.. we're always good, Tan. Thanks for being so understanding and not like, chopping off my balls and shoving them down my throat."
"Hey, night's still young, Frankenteen. I never made any promises... might wanna sleep with one eye open from now on." She winks as she makes a gun signal with her hand aimed at him while making the sound of it cocking.
...FRFRF...