Hello.

It's me.

I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to—

Okay, all jokes aside, I probably need to explain myself. I'm about to unleash terrible things upon you. Here goes.

Basically, I was (and still am) very confused about Kingdom Hearts. I mean, the very concept just makes no sense to me. Even so, there were some cool characters, and the aesthetic seemed pretty neat, so I decided to do some research. And by research, I mean mostly watching crack/meme and out of context videos. Now I have brainrot for a series I haven't played a single game of, and to be honest, I still can't wrap my head around the concept. And I am going to let it all out, and, as a bonus, get myself to write. I'm more into original stuff nowadays, not fanfics, and I have no idea when this brainrot is gonna go away, so don't expect much more. I'll just return to this whenever I feel like it, which might be never. Also, don't expect quality writing. I'm saving that for serious projects.

By the way, this is rated T for a reason. If you aren't comfortable with swearing or references to sex, you'd probably be better off reading something else.

"Come on. It's a setup by Organization XIII."

Sora was very, very confused. Then again, he was confused most of the time. It'd been like that since the fall of Destiny Islands, and over time, it just got worse. Seeing Goofy's head joined to a turtle's body had been the breaking point; after that, he decided to stop questioning things, though he still slipped up sometimes.

And in this case, questioning things seemed to be a good idea.

"What do you mean?" Sora asked.

"I mean," Axel explained, voice dripping with this-kid-is-an-idiot vibes, "they wanted that to happen. They're using you to kill the Heartless. They want the hearts that get released, and you're playing right into their hands."

Donald glared at Axel. "And why should we believe you?"

Axel sighed. "I suppose I can't make you. It's not my problem, anyway. Go ahead, do what Xemnas wants. Just don't blame me when everything crashes and burns."

"Hey, I don't mean—" Sora paused in the middle of his sentence, thinking. "Wait a minute. Who's Xemnas?"

"Xemnas? He's the Organization's leader," Axel replied, tapping a finger to his head. "Got it memorized? That's X-E-M, N-A-S. Shouldn't be too hard to remember."

"X-E-M, N-A-S…" Sora counted each letter on a finger. That name sounded so odd. Not just like it'd been chosen specifically to intimidate people (though he was sure that it was), but… It almost seemed like the name had some kind of double meaning.

He spelled the name again, quieter this time. There was something about it that he just couldn't put his finger on.

Axel gave Sora a dubious look. "Uh, you okay?"

"X-E-M, N-A-S…"

"Yes, that's his name," Axel said in the voice one would use for a small child. "And he wields the power of nothingness. He's got these Ethereal Blade things, and they're basically like red laser sword things, except—"

"Wait, you're telling us this Xemnas guy uses lightsabers?" Goofy interrupted, his voice incredulous.

Sora was still lost in thought, but Donald quickly realized what his friend meant. "Oh, he totally does! He freakin' dual-wields lightsabers!"

Axel just stared at them for a moment, then asked, "What the fuck is a lightsaber?"

Donald looked like he was about to yell at Axel for swearing, but Goofy cut in before he could. "Well, it's, uh…"

"It's like a laser sword that you activate by pushing a button," Donald explained.

Goofy nodded. "And the good guys use blue or green ones, and the bad guys use red ones, and then there are special ones, like the purple one, and—"

"And there's a dual-bladed one, and one that sorta looks like a cross, and—"

Axel cut the two overenthusiastic animals off with a wave of his hand. "Okay, I still don't really get this, but I think you've got the wrong impression. The Ethereal Blades come from Xemnas's palms. They don't have hilts or buttons or any shit like that."

"Will you quit it with the swearing?" Donald snapped, crossing his wings. "Sora's just a kid!"

Axel snorted. "First of all, Sora's fifteen. He's not that young. Second, he's been saving worlds and killing monsters and almost dying on a regular basis, so I think learning a few swear words isn't going to be the worst thing he's ever experienced." He leaned in, narrowing his eyes. "And, of course, by your logic, Roxas is a kid too, but that didn't stop anyone from—"

"For the millionth time, we don't know who Roxas is!"

The duck looked like he was about to whack the Nobody with his staff, so Goofy jumped in between the two, giving them both stern looks. "Would you two just calm down? Let's ask Sora what he thinks."

"Yeah, he's been weirdly quiet," Axel said, backing off.

The duck, dog, and Nobody looked over at Sora, who was still looking at his hands, mumbling something.

"X-E-M, N-A-S…"

Axel sighed. "Does he usually do this when he learns someone's name?"

Goofy frowned. "No. Maybe it's how you spelled it out."

"What, can he not read or something?"

"Of course he can read, stupid!" Donald squawked, clutching his staff. "I've seen him do it on our adventures. He's not as stupid as you think." He paused for a moment, then lowered his voice, putting a wing to his chest. "Don't tell him I said this, but he's the best Keyblade Wielder I could've asked for. He's a good friend, too. He's just… He's too pure, you know? Through everything that's happened, he's been a bastion of light. I don't want that light to be dampened by a few choice words," he finished, glaring at Axel.

"Again," Axel said, "I really don't think he's that—"

"Ugh, will you stop trying to justify yourself? You're corrupting a minor! Sora is a pure bean, and I won't let you—"

"MANSEX!"

Donald, Goofy, and Axel all turned to Sora, dumbfounded.

"What?" Donald and Goofy exclaimed, almost at the same time, while Axel gave Donald an I-told-you-so look that Donald chose to ignore.

Sora looked up at the trio, grinning. "I understand now! Xemnas is just Mansex rearranged!"

"That's the realization you got from all this?" Axel snarked before flashing a smile. "Then again, it works, and I didn't think of that before, so I guess you're smarter than I thought."

Goofy furrowed his brows, concentrating. "X-E-M-N-A-S…M-A-N-S-E-X… Yup, it's an anagram!"

"Don't know what an anagram is, but now I know Xemnas's secret weakness!" Sora exclaimed, clapping his hands once.

Axel frowned. "What? Men?"

"No, the name Mansex in general," Sora explained. "Think about it. Once you learn that Xemnas is Mansex scrambled around a bit, you'll never be able to unlearn it. You'll think of him as Mansex forever. And he's not nearly as scary when his name is so silly, right? It's like seeing him in Strawberry Shortcake underwear."

Axel took a moment to picture the Superior in said underwear, letting out a small (but genuine) laugh. It wasn't long before everyone was laughing.

Of course, that was the moment when everything went wrong.

"Axel!"

The quartet turned to see the fading smoke of the telltale dark corridor that announced the presence of an Organization XIII member. Out stepped Saïx, looking none too pleased with the situation.

"...Shit."

Without another word, Axel disappeared into his own dark corridor.

Damn it, Sora thought angrily. He'd been so distracted by his little revelation that he'd forgotten to ask the Nobody where Kairi was!

He took a few steps further, hoping to pursue Axel through the corridor, but Saïx held out an arm to block his path.

"We'll ensure he receives the maximum punishment," Saïx said, his voice low and cold.

Sora fought hard to repress a shudder, thinking about all the ways Organization XIII could punish traitors. Being the bad guys, they clearly had no moral compunctions to prevent them from carrying out inhumane acts, so nothing was beyond them. Just what did they have in store for Axel? Death? Dismemberment? Torture? Boy bands?

The boy shook his head, reminding himself to focus on what was really important.

"I don't care about his punishment!" Sora shouted. "Just tell me where Kairi is!"

"If you're worried about her, don't be," Saïx replied. "We're taking very good care of her. We set her up in a nice room with a queen-sized bed and a full bathroom attached, and there's a TV so she doesn't get bored."

"Oh, that's…" Sora trailed off, frowning. Something felt wrong about the statement. Finally, it clicked. "Wait a minute. You don't get the satellite channels in your base, and you don't have streaming services or cable. Demyx complained about that while we were fighting earlier. Therefore, there's no reason for you to have any TVs. So you're lying to me."

Saïx let out a groan, his already half-closed eyes drooping even more. "We have DVDs."

"Oh, really?" Sora leaned in closer. "What kind of DVDs?"

"We have lots of DVDs, but in terms of what Kairi has access to, we gave her a box set with all the seasons of Dance Moms."

Sora and his companions gasped in horror.

Sora was the first to speak, even as he stepped backwards, mind reeling. He'd expected cruelty from the Organization, but this? "Please! Spare her, I'm begging you!"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

Sora fell to his knees, clasping his hands together. "I know you think you're a bad guy, but I'm sure there's some goodness deep down inside. You want to be a good person, don't you? You don't really want to torture Kairi. If you could just find it in your heart to—"

"I don't have a heart, remember?" Saïx snapped. "I'm a Nobody."

"Oh. Right."

This was getting awkward.

"And by the way," Saïx continued, "you're ruining my bit."

"What bit?"

Saïx leaned down and grabbed Sora's chin harshly, tilting it up so that Sora was looking right into his eyes. "The bit where you beg me to take you to Kairi, I ask if she's really that important to you, you say yes, I tell you to prove it, you get on your knees and beg me, and then I realize that she really is important to you." He leaned closer, smirking. "And then…"

Sora tried to keep himself from trembling in the man's grip. "And then?"

Saïx abruptly let go, then rose to his full height and kicked Sora in the stomach, hard enough to topple him over. "And then I say no."

Donald and Goofy ran over to their friend, but Sora was already back on his feet, giving Saïx a death glare.

"You Organization members think you're so great," Sora hissed, "but you're all serving under some guy whose name rearranges to Mansex!"

Saïx opened his mouth to speak, then paused. For a moment, there was silence, but then a small chuckle escaped his mouth, and his lips curled just a tiny bit.

Then the moment was over, and Saïx's face was as impassive as ever.

"You know," he said, "I was going to make you destroy a bunch of Heartless, but that was actually pretty funny, so I'm going to let you off the hook, just for today."

Sora's face brightened. "Really?"

"No."

Saïx snapped his fingers, and several Heartless appeared behind him.

Sora sighed, slumping over in defeat. "Dammit."

Quite a while later, Sora's adventure had finally reached its climax.

Xemnas had proven to be quite the opponent, with several phases and false deaths. Hell, he'd even pulled out a dragon at one point. Still, Sora was pretty sure that this phase would be the last.

He and Riku stood before Xemnas, waiting for the man's attack, but he was still monologuing. Sora had tuned him out a while back, instead focusing on his weird black-and-white outfit. Sora probably wasn't missing much, anyway — all these villains' speeches were pretty much the same: "Blah blah darkness blah blah blah hearts darkness blah blah Keyblade blah blah darkness."

It was only when Riku elbowed him in the ribcage that Sora snapped back to attention. Both Riku and Xemnas were looking at him expectantly, like he was supposed to say something, but he had no idea what.

Hmm, Sora thought. Riku said something before he elbowed me, right? So I suppose I could just be like, "Yeah, he's right!"

…But this is the final boss. That's not cool enough.

Hmm… What's the best badass one-liner I have? What'll get under his skin?

Wait a minute.

Sora grinned. He'd almost forgotten Xemnas's secret weakness! Once he pointed it out, no one would ever be able to take Xemnas seriously ever again! Not even Xemnas himself. And then, in his moment of weakness, Sora and Riku would kill him and the worlds would be saved.

"Well, Sora?" Xemnas asked, raising an eyebrow. "Do you have anything to say before I end your life?"

Sora smirked. "As a matter of fact, I do!"

"Out with it, then."

Sora held his Keyblade aloft, dramatically pointing it up at the sky. "Xemnas, if you scramble the letters in your name…"

(Pause for dramatic effect…)

"...You get MANSEX!"

Sora expected Xemnas to drop to his knees, to rethink his life, or at least to have the decency to look shocked.

Instead, Xemnas simply nodded and said, "I know."

Sora could only gape at him. "Wha…? You know?"

"Did you seriously think you knew more about my own name than I did? I was the one who chose it! So yes, I am aware that my name can be rearranged in a way that is somewhat silly. I simply choose not to care." Xemnas paused, then let a small smile creep its way onto his face. "And I suppose that rearrangement is accurate, considering my preferences."

"Oh, so you actually —"

"Have sex with men? Yes. Really, I don't know why that's a punchline in itself."

Sora went silent at that, shuffling his feet, feeling awkward. "Well… To be honest, I just can't imagine you doing it with anyone. I guess I sorta assumed you weren't interested."

"Not interested? Nobodies like me have no hearts, so each of us seeks satisfaction in other ways. I cannot make emotional connections, so I make physical ones instead. Quite frequently, in fact. You know, just last night, Saïx and I were —"

"You don't have to give us all the details!" Sora hissed. Great, now he couldn't get the image of Xemnas and Saïx fucking out of his head. Was this part of Xemnas's evil plan?

Riku, on the other hand, took a different issue with Xemnas's words. "You seriously slept with your minion? Talk about bad workplace conduct."

Xemnas looked offended. "It's not like that. There was never any coercion involved, and it didn't affect anyone's rank. Like I said, it was just for brief physical satisfaction. And in Saïx's case, he was the one who initiated it. You know, to make Axel jealous."

"Still pretty skeevy, if you ask me," Riku muttered.

Xemnas narrowed his eyes. "I suppose it's a shame, then, that nobody asked you."

"Uh, guys?" Sora interjected, eyes flicking between Xemnas and Riku. "Don't we have bigger issues to —"

"No, Sora," Riku said, placing his hand on his friend's shoulder. "We have to settle this first."

Sora opened his mouth to argue, but then he saw the unspoken plan in Riku's eyes, and so he closed his mouth and nodded. He was tempted to ask Riku what the plan was, but he'd seen enough movies to know that if the plan was communicated in any way, it would fail miserably.

Taking his hand off of Sora's shoulder, Riku stepped forward and pointed at Xemnas. "Saïx wasn't the only one who you slept with, right? Just who else did you fuck?"

"Oh? Are you really asking me for the intimate details of my sex life?" Xemnas asked, raising an eyebrow. There was an awkward pause, and then Xemnas pulled a square of paper out from a hidden pocket in his coat. "In that case, I'm happy to oblige. Metaphorically happy, that is, since I don't have a heart."

Without further ado, Xemnas began to unfold the paper. Its size doubled, then quadrupled, and kept going from there until it stretched down to Xemnas's hips.

Oh boy, what did Riku get himself into? Sora thought, frowning. This is gonna suck.

Then, seeing Xemnas's eyes glued to the paper, Sora realized what the plan was, and resolved to think about it as little as possible so as to keep it from failing.

"Okay, let's begin," Xemnas said, then began to read from the paper. "Saïx (of course), Xigbar, Lexaeus, Vexen, Xaldin, Luxord, Marluxia —"

"Wait, Marluxia? Didn't he want to overthrow you?" Sora asked, wide-eyed.

Xemnas shook his head. "Clearly, you've never heard of hate sex. Anyway, moving on: Auron, Cloud, Leon, Tron —"

Riku could only stare at Xemnas. "Tron the computer program?"

"Yes. Now, if you'll excuse me, let's move on. Hades, Jafar, Jack Sparrow, Setzer, Eric, Merlin, Yen Sid…" Xemnas trailed off, seeing the disgusted look on Riku's face. "The elderly are allowed to be intimate, you know. Don't look at me like that."

Riku sighed. "Just keep going."

"Li Shang, Shan-Yu, Ansem—"

"Wait, which Ansem?"

Xemnas smirked. "Both."

"...That is so wrong on so many levels."

"Again, I'm a Nobody. I don't care about these things. Now, if you would kindly stop interrupting me, I'll…" Xemnas trailed off, looking at the two boys standing before him — or, rather, the one boy standing before him. "Wait, where's Sora? He shou—"

Xemnas was cut off as Sora, right behind him, shoved his Keyblade straight through his chest.

"...I see," the Nobody choked out, his list falling from his limp hands. "You…you were just…distracting me."

Damn it. And he'd had such a good death monologue prepared, just in case he was somehow defeated, but now he was dying too fast, and it would go to waste…

Sora yanked his Keyblade out of Xemnas, causing the blood to pour out faster. "Thanks to you, I'm never gonna be able to stop picturing Yen Sid naked. Die."

And with that, the young Keyblade Wielder smacked Xemnas over the head with Kingdom Key, knocking the Nobody to the ground. Sora and Riku simply watched as he dissolved into darkness.

When he was finally gone, Sora looked up at Riku, smiling. "Nice plan! Now let's go find everyone!"

Still smiling, Sora looked around for a door, a portal, anything that could be used to exit this realm of nothingness.

There was none.

Shit.

"Uh, Riku… How do we get out of here?"

Okay, that's all I've got so far. I've got more ideas involving the other games in the series, but I thought this would be a good stopping point. If you think this fic is stupid and unfunny, please tell me. It probably won't stop me, but it might make me rethink some stuff. I do wish I could make a comic or video instead of whatever this is, but I lack the necessary skills, so I'm gonna stick to written stuff.

Also, about the guys on Xemnas's list: I mostly put them in at random. Don't think too hard about it.