Chapter 1 – Proximity Alert

Author's Note:

This story takes place directly after the Thriller Bark Arc.

Zoro

Zoro woke up with his face smooshed into Sanji's back. This was not how he wanted to start his day. He quickly went to push off him – what the hell was he even doing on him anyway – and immediately realised his hands were chained behind his back. And his swords were gone. And he was freezing. And his head hurt.

This just keeps getting better and better.

Just as he was coming to grips with all of this, Sanji shifted beneath him.

"What the fuck?" He groaned.

"My thoughts exactly," Zoro replied, voice muffled in Sanji's back.

"Ack!" Sanji flinched violently, almost dislodging him. "Why the fuck are you on top of me?"

"Don't know."

"Oh, that's super helpful, thank you," Sanji replied sarcastically. "Well then, maybe you can tell me why you're still on top of me?"

"My hands are chained."

"Then just roll off!" Sanji yelled. "You're heavy, you lug!"

"Alright, alright, just give me a second, would you? Geez," Zoro grumbled. Really, Sanji was so damn impatient. Couldn't he wait for Zoro to figure out where the hell he was first? He could be rolling off into thin air, for all he knew. Probably not, but still.

Zoro lifted his head as far as possible, only to be greeted with a dank, dark room with one sole window high above them providing a tiny bit of light. And the window had bars on it.

Zoro sighed deeply and Sanji shivered beneath him. He was momentarily confused until he realised he'd breathed onto the back of Sanji's neck. He must be ticklish. Whatever, not his problem. Being in prison was, though.

"Zoro?"

"Yeah?"

"GET OFF!"

Oh, right. Why was he still on top of Sanji? He was pretty comfortable, not to mention warm, but this was starting to make him feel weird.

He rolled off onto a smooth stone floor. A freezing smooth stone floor. Great.

"Finally!" Sanji exclaimed and sat up, only to exclaim again, "Why are my legs chained?!"

"You're only just noticing now?" Zoro drawled from his very uncomfortable place on his back with his arms squished beneath him.

"I couldn't feel my legs with you on them, Mosshead!"

"Whatever," Zoro replied as he squirmed around.

Sanji started patting his pockets frantically – potentially more frantic than Zoro had ever seen him.

"What are you doing, dumbass?" Zoro asked, pausing his squirming.

"Where are my fucking cigarettes?" Sanji buried his hands in his hair. "Did whoever put us in here take my fucking cigarettes! I will kill them!" He took a deep breath, then another. "It's okay. I'll be okay. I'll get out of here in no time and I'll get them back. I can do this."

Zoro rolled his eyes at how pathetic Sanji was, talking to himself like an insane person, and resumed squirming.

Then Sanji looked at him like Zoro was the one who'd lost his mind. "What are you doing?"

"Trying to figure out how to stand up without using my arms."

Sanji stared at him in silence as Zoro squirmed around some more. Why was this so damn hard? He should've trained for this. An oversight on his part.

"I know how to do it," Sanji said suddenly.

Zoro squirmed harder. "Then tell me how, damn it."

"Why should I?" Sanji taunted.

"Because I'll punch you right in the eyebrows if you don't!"

Sanji laughed derisively, "Good luck doing that with your hands chained up."

Good point. Zoro stopped to think for a second. "Then I'll bite you!" Not his best idea but good enough if Sanji's stupefied reaction was anything to go by.

"You can't bite me!"

"I will! Hard!"

Sanji flushed. This was getting good.

"Where?" Sanji asked, his voice sounding very strange. Kind of gravelly.

Zoro thought for another second. "On your neck!"

Sanji slapped his hand to his neck and flushed an even deeper red. "Don't you dare! I don't want your filthy mouth on me!"

Zoro didn't want his mouth on Sanji either – just the thought of it made goosebumps travel up and down his entire body – but it was too late to turn back now. "I will put my mouth all over you if you don't tell me!"

That sounded…well, whatever, if it bothered Sanji as much as it clearly did then that was good enough for Zoro.

Sanji gaped at him, looking like a dumb fish.

"You look like a dumb fish," Zoro said.

"Well, you look like a dumb worm!"

"I wouldn't if you would just -"

"Um, just roll onto your front with your legs folded underneath you and go from there."

"Oh, right, thanks – huh?" Zoro sat up, only to be faced with three dishevelled-looking men of varying ages standing outside the bars to his and Sanji's cell. He also noted with no small amount of envy that they were appropriately dressed for the frigid temperature. Must be nice.

"What!" Sanji yelped. "How long have you guys been there?"

The older, pudgy white guy in the middle scratched his nose. "Err, a while."

"And you didn't think to, I don't know, say something sooner?" Sanji ground out.

The tall, young, dark-skinned guy on the left shrugged. "You seemed kinda busy."

"I assure you, I am never busy with him," Sanji scoffed. "In fact, you can ignore his presence altogether."

"As if you have anything of value to add to the world, Eyebrows!" Zoro protested.

"More than you, though it's a low bar to cross!"

"Um…" The old guy cut in. Zoro dubbed him Guard 1. "Aren't you guys supposed to be friends? I mean, that's why you were together, right?"

"We are not friends!" Zoro and Sanji shouted at the guards together, before turning to each other and growling their displeasure at that rare and unwanted moment of unity.

"We're crewmates," Sanji clarified. "But being crewmates does not mean we are friends!"

Zoro agreed wholeheartedly, but he'd never admit that out loud. He'd rather cut his own legs off. He'd tried that once – wasn't so bad.

"You're crewmates?" The young guy asked, clearly confused. Zoro dubbed him Guard 2. No points for originality, but it got the job done.

Guard 1 looked at Sanji, "You're a Straw Hat?"

Sanji glared at him. "Of course, I am! I'm Sanji!"

Now all three guards looked incredibly confused. The small, decrepit-looking guy on the right, now officially Guard 3, rifled through some papers before handing one to Guard 1, who looked at the paper, then at Sanji, then back at the paper.

"This is you?" He asked, flipping the paper around to show them Sanji's hilarious Wanted poster.

"That is not me!" Sanji shouted indignantly.

"Then you're not Black Leg Sanji."

"I am Black Leg Sanji! The picture is wrong!"

Guard 2 hummed thoughtfully. "Seems unlikely."

"Yeah, I don't think the World Government would make that kind of mistake," Guard 1 agreed.

"They make mistakes all the time!" Sanji insisted loudly.

"Oh yeah?" Zoro challenged. "Name one."

This was too fun.

Sanji's head whipped around to face him. "Hey! Whose side are you on!"

Zoro shrugged. "Not yours."

Sanji ground his teeth together in frustration. Zoro was thrilled.

"I'll deal with you later!"

"You're welcome to try."

Sanji ignored him and looked back at the guards. "If you don't think I'm Sanji, then why did you kidnap me?"

"Oh, we were actually after Pirate Hunter Zoro and his bounty," Guard 1 said cheerfully. "You just happened to be there."

Zoro started laughing. "'Just happened to be there'. That should be the title of your autobiography, Eyebrows."

Sanji glared at him with fire in his eyes but otherwise ignored Zoro, which was fine because Zoro was busy laughing his ass off.

"Okay, let's try this again!" Sanji said. "If you don't think I'm Sanji, then why did you chain my legs?"

"Balance," said Guard 2.

"Balance?" Sanji repeated incredulously.

Guard 2 shrugged. "I mean, yeah. We had to chain up Pirate Hunter Zoro's hands, him being one of the world's greatest swordsmen and all." He looked at Zoro and whispered, "Big fan." Then he looked back at Sanji and continued as if nothing had happened, "But you had to be chained too, obviously, so we chained your legs. You know, so you could use your hands to help Pirate Hunter Zoro out with stuff."

Sanji's face darkened as Zoro laughed harder. "Help him out. With stuff." Sanji repeated menacingly.

Guard 2 went on blithely, "Yeah, you know, what if his nose itches?"

"Or his shoulders get sore from being chained up?" Guard 1 added.

Guard 3 scribbled something on a piece of paper and held it up to Guard 1. "Oh yeah, and feed him and stuff."

"Can't forget food!" Guard 2 agreed, nodding vigorously.

"No, can't forget food, Eyebrows," Zoro taunted between bouts of laughter. Sure, he was imprisoned with Sanji of all people, but things were really starting to look up. Sanji looked like he was burning up from the inside out. It was spectacular.

Sanji jumped to his feet in one powerful motion, hands fisted by his sides, and looked down at Zoro ominously. "I never thought I'd say this in my life and it goes against all my principles as a chef, but I will not feed you!"

"Well, that's not very nice, Eyebrows," Guard 1 chided.

Zoro's stomach was starting to hurt from all the laughing now.

Sanji's fury quickly redirected to Guard 1. "My name isn't Eyebrows, it's Sanji!"

"You still going with this Sanji stuff, are ya, son?" Guard 1 sighed. "You should give it a rest. You know, there's no shame in being an unknown pirate without a bounty. Hell, I've been trying to get one for over thirty years. It don't make you any less of a pirate, or a man."

Every part of Sanji sagged. He had clearly gotten to the point where he was so demolished and demoralised that he'd completely checked out mentally and physically. Zoro read the crushing defeat all over him. It was wonderous stuff.

Zoro fell to his side, tears of laughter streaming from his eyes. "Hey, helper!" He called. "Come over here and wipe away these tears that I got from laughing at you!"

That bought some life back into Sanji – he lunged for Zoro, but evidently forgot his legs were chained because he tripped up and fell flat on his face.

Zoro was cold, he was uncomfortable, his hands were chained, his swords were gone, and he was in a cell, but this had to be one of the greatest moments of his life. Surely top five.

Sanji pushed up onto his hands and knees but got no further. A dark pall surrounded him as he hung his head.

"You alright, son?" Guard 1 asked.

"No, I am not alright!" Sanji moaned. "I have been completely emasculated and reduced to nothing but a pair of hands. My identity has been completely discarded in favour of a single physical attribute. My cigarettes are gone. I can only be thankful that there are no beautiful women here to witness my complete and utter humiliation."

"I'm here!" Zoro said happily.

"Don't remind me!" Sanji snapped.

Zoro grinned, Sanji sobbed quietly, and the three guards looked on in utter bewilderment.

Guard 1 cleared his throat awkwardly. "Right. Well, this was…um…fun and all, but we best be going."

"Why were you even here then?" Sanji muttered, as he flopped back into a seated position, draping his arms over bent knees.

"Oh, you know, to welcome you to our secret hideout, see if you needed anything, that sort of thing," Guard 1 replied cheerfully.

"I need my chains to be unlocked," Zoro said hopefully.

"Ah, many apologies, but I can't do that," Guard 1 replied, still cheerful.

"Can you unlock mine?" Sanji asked hopefully.

"Can't do that either."

And now Guard 1's cheerfulness was getting annoying.

"Can you bring us some warm clothes," Zoro tried.

"Can't do that either."

"Can you bring me my cigarettes?" Sanji tried.

"Can't do that either."

"Some sort of bed?" Zoro pleaded.

"Can't do that either."

"Not even just one measly cigarette?" Sanji begged.

"Can't do that either."

"A blanket?" Zoro begged.

"Can't do that either."

"Then what can you do!" Sanji yelled.

Guard 1 scratched his chin thoughtfully. "A bucket of water and some food."

Sanji sighed dejectedly. "Fine, we'll take it."

"Alrighty, then! We'll be back soon, like sometime in the next 8 hours or so."

"That's not soon!" Sanji and Zoro yelled together again, then glared at each other. This speaking in unison thing was getting to be a bad habit.

"Well, it's not 9 hours at least." Guard 2 piped in helpfully. "Gotta be grateful for the little things in life."

"Yes, thank you so much." Sanji deadpanned.

"You boys have fun now!" Guard 1 said as he started walking towards the door.

"How?!" Zoro yelled, incredulous.

Guard 1 shrugged as he reached the door. "I'm sure you'll figure something out."

Guard 3 waved at them as he passed. Sanji and Zoro blinked at him blankly.

The door shut, leaving them in an oppressive silence. Zoro didn't know why, but he felt hyperaware that he was alone with Sanji in a small cell. Sure, he'd been alone with Sanji before, but that was when they were going somewhere, doing something, had some sort of objective. Here, there was nothing but him. No distractions. No shields against the unexpected weight of his presence. Zoro gulped deeply.

"What now?" Sanji asked suddenly, slicing through the strangely heavy air.

Zoro shook himself out of his wayward thoughts. Thinking too hard had never done him much good. "Now, I'm going to take a nap."

"What! You literally just woke up 20 minutes ago!" Sanji looked at him disbelievingly.

Zoro shrugged. "Yeah, but that was a drugged sleep, not a real sleep. It doesn't count."

"Firstly, that is the stupidest reasoning I've ever heard," Sanji sneered. "Secondly, what do you mean drugged?"

"What's the last thing you remember?" Zoro queried.

"We were on our way to find some fresh water and food for the Sunny on this random island. I was telling you that your hair looked particularly mossy today. It wasn't a compliment. Then there was this weird mist."

"Me too, except I remember the conversation differently."

"Whatev -"

"Is your head pounding?" Zoro quickly cut in.

"Yes," Sanji replied reluctantly.

"Me too."

"But that could easily be from talking to those bozos."

"You really think those idiots could have captured us any other way?"

"…no," Sanji grudgingly admitted.

"Then we were drugged. Simple. So, I need to sleep off this -" Zoro yawned loudly, "- headache. Also, I'm tired."

"Unbelievable."

"Wake me when the food comes."

"You'll be lucky if I don't kill you in your sleep!"

Zoro scooted back to lean on the wall, unconcerned. "I don't care – death is just a permanent escape from you."

Sanji opened his mouth to respond but Zoro closed his eyes and drifted off immediately, his last thought being Sanji had been much more comfortable and much warmer than the wall.

Author's Note:

Hello there! I don't really write much fanfiction anymore but as I was binging One Piece this story popped in my head and wouldn't leave so here it is. This is also posted over on AO3 but I hope it finds some readers here.

Also note that I'm Australian so any spelling differences are due to that.

Thank you – enjoy!