Chapter 18
The elevator pinged and Logan gently pulled apart from Rory, a victorious yet humble smile remaining on his lips. There was such nostalgia in that kiss, giving him a flashback of every kiss that they'd had in the past - at least the ones he could remember specifically. It was not just nostalgia, however. There was freshness too, and a touch of maturity, and as a bonus a definite sense of knowing what the other enjoyed.
Rory was still a little out of it as if floating on a cloud of some sort. Logan really was her cloud of choice, even in the form of something so innocent as a thirty-second kiss.
The doors opened and being faced with a group of people wanting to head up, Logan and Rory were forced to straighten themselves, and step out as if nothing exceptional was up.
Choosing a direction to walk didn't happen without awkwardness, almost as if they were teenagers out on their very first date, neither wanting to appear too determined. After a friendly chuckle having nearly bumped into each other, they both relaxed, realizing how silly it all was.
Logan offered her his arm, and organically she accepted, stepping once again closer into his space.
"So, we're really doing this?" Rory reflected, glancing humbly at him. It had taken an actual kiss for the fact to register with her. But still, it felt unbelievable that it was the truth after all these years.
"I think I'd know if I was hallucinating this," Logan replied.
"How? How would you know?" Rory replied, challenging him a little.
"Because…," Logan inhaled. "All the times that I have thought about this… I've never imagined myself hoping to get out of these clothes…," Logan continued.
"What?!" Rory exclaimed flirtingly, interrupting him, but at the same time with disbelief in her tone.
"Because of the heat," Logan said, and reluctantly released Rory's grip on his arm to shed his coat frustratedly. Light as the garment may have been, in this evening's heat it was just too much. Logan's tolerance for this type of weather wasn't what it used to be.
"Ah, of course," Rory laughed, having anticipated a different kind of ending to his thought process, knowing him.
"I always hope to get you out of your clothes," Logan hummed close to her ear, causing a chill to run down Rory's spine. His low tone often had that effect on her.
After laughing quietly, as they continued to walk, they took a turn out of the crowds to a street that seemed to house numerous galleries. They had no intention going into one, but they did pause at a couple of windows to just glance inside. It was as if they were both buying time before eating dessert or returning to the car to head back to Finn's sister's house. They were buying time before making any further decisions as to how far they were to take this new development that evening.
"So, you did think about this? You imagine that this could happen again? Us, I mean," Rory asked, hesitantly.
"I did," Logan replied.
"When or… how? I don't even know if I should be asking about this, you don't have to talk about it if it's…," Rory said, shaking her head, regretting asking the question.
"Dozens of times, really," Logan replied, taking a moment to wonder which one of the scenarios he was willing to share. Some were perhaps a little too sensitive for their early days.
"Like in the first few months when my phone would ring, I hoped it would be you. That you'd changed your mind about talking to me, even if nothing more. But it never was, of course," Logan shared one of the more innocent ones, leaving out how he'd genuinely pictured her calling with some major news. Rory moving to London for a job which would enable them to be close, maybe even be reason enough for him to reconsider his other arrangements. Accepting his family's house in Maine. Needing help with her work. Once even calling him and telling him she'd had a child and that he was the father. That one had been an actual dream, a heavy one, its ending so abrupt to cause him to wake from his sleep with a sudden jolt.
"I threw all my phones away. With most of my numbers in it. Burning bridges, I guess? Not just with you, but with work contacts too, which I know was sort of counter intuitive, but the way I saw it then was that I just took the people that caused me to feel bad out of my life," Rory explained, thinking back to that day after her horrible Sandy Says interview.
Logan felt a stab of pain at that wording, and Rory sensed it.
"I didn't mean that about you. You weren't to blame for it. I just made bad decisions while I was around you. Not regarding you or even me, but in regards to others… like Paul. It is one of the reasons I wanted to break up with Jess before we tried this. I've made that mistake too many times. I hope you understand that," Rory explained.
This did not have the hoped effect, however.
"And now I'm the one keeping one leg between the exit door," Logan replied, sounding ashamed and discouraged.
Logan wasn't proud of it, but it was a challenging situation for him. His marriage was a business deal, a living arrangement, the dynastic plan to not just combine two powerful families but a plan to have smart, good-looking and well-connected children out of that marriage. He knew it sounded bad, but there was a certain safety in that plan. And unlike when he was younger, these days he actually understood what his father had meant when he'd pushed the company onto him. After putting so much work, generations worth of work, into a corporation of that magnitude, one just didn't leave it to be managed by just anyone. It had to be family, someone they truly trusted, and to avoid anyone feeling too forced into it, it was better there were many options. And here, he was already counting on Honor's kids.
"It's different for you. And I don't blame you," Rory said. "I mean, I don't love it. But I don't want you to just throw everything you've built away for me, for a 'maybe'. We both know this won't be easy, overcoming everything and building on an already cracked foundation," Rory described, putting herself on the back seat yet again.
"But that isn't terribly fair to you, is it? And I mean, if it's clarity you want, please, just ask me to and I'll do it," Logan insisted, still feeling like he was begging for Rory to really want him.
"No, Logan. Not yet anyways. We're too… fragile, I guess. I mean, we're solid and we're not, if you know what I mean. We know we work, but we also know all the reasons why we haven't worked. And again - I don't mean to sound so negative. I'm just scared, okay?" Rory confessed.
"You know what the only reason I'm even still doing that is? Keeping things going with her… It's because of the chance of a child. Even if it isn't the traditional way or a conventional type of family. Right now, I still see that as the path to make that happen. It feels like it's now or never," Logan explained, not loving the explanation himself.
"I know you said… but I guess, I never really figured you wanted to be a father that badly," Rory said.
"I do. I have no clue if I'd be any good at it, but I feel like I've pushed it long enough. And now - there's that part that's missing from my life. Even if it's the life with Odette that I'm talking about. A child would almost make it worth it, and I know it doesn't sound great," Logan shared.
Rory held her tongue, not daring to ask whether he'd ever pictured the two of them having a child together, or whether he didn't even dare to consider it as an option for the two of them to have a child now - if this worked out. Honestly, Rory hadn't even really thought about it - whether she'd be open to the whole 'kids' discussion with him. With Jess, in fear of her postpartum repeating itself, she hadn't so much as considered it. But technically, she too was in the final years of having the option of making that decision. Would the right man change her mind?
"I think I get it," Rory said, trying to understand where he was coming from. Logan had never really seen a normal family dynamic, so how was he supposed to know any better?
Logan paused, trying to think of a good way to put this - to explain both his relief and frustration in her.
"I know you're scared, Rory. And I know you're trying to be highly understanding of this. But when you say things like that… it just makes me feel you're still not even sure you really want this. That you really want me with all my baggage? Is my baggage worth me? I need you to figure that out, Rory," Logan exhaled.
That cracked something in Rory, making it more clear to her than ever it was her hesitance that was still hurting Logan. She wasn't used to hearing him be this expressive of his feelings.
"Yes, I do, Logan. Despite everything… I do, Logan. I have no idea how…, but I do," Rory replied, hoping he could see how whilst doubting a lot of things she could indeed be conscious about wanting to be with him.
"Good," Logan exhaled. "And I do get it. The hesitance - I just need to believe too that we'll somehow find a way if we want it bad enough," Logan added.
At that Rory smiled, feeling deep relief. He really seemed to get it, and not just be hurt by every word that was spilled from her sometimes-stupid mouth.
"Come here," Logan encourages, pulling her in for a kiss again, the light from an art gallery showing ceramics or something equally irrelevant to them illuminating their shapes.