Alice-

Thank you! I am glad you are enjoying it and glad that the story is working for you, gutting as it can be! I like to think that emotional that come into this, make it work and make it tolerable to read. It's not exactly a happy sort of story for a while, but slowly Rilla is healing and understand more and more about herself and who she wants to be from this. I know the feel of lost and alone all too well, and dealing with trauma and how we respond to it in my own ways and experiences so I hope this helps me it feel more real to my readers.

February 2nd 1915

Diary

I know it probably sounds funny, but Toronto seems like a lifetime ago, even if it was a few weeks ago. How vibrant the city was at New Year's before we headed back to Ingleside. Walter heading back as soon as he can to be back at Redmond and Ken is busy with University even if his letters are still the same as before. Our goodbye is stuck in my head, Aunt Leslie and Uncle Owen telling me to write and that I am always welcome, and Persis wanting to know what my favourite story is from the book she gave me.

Ken asked to kiss me, he hadn't asked…the last time he kissed me like this since he left the island. He stood there looking at me with hopeful grey eyes that looked darker under his hat. It was entirely proper given we were in a train station, and his parents were preoccupied with making sure Walter had the tickets for us and that our luggage was brought into our cabin.

I still feel his lips on mine, and how he caressed the side of my face. His soft call of my name afterwards when he pulled away. I could only blush to be kissed publicly, but I was far from the only one around us.

The train ride was as long and boring this time around as it was the first time, but those first few glimpses of the Atlantic Ocean, from the train made excitement bubble inside me. Walter shook his head, but I think he was glad that I seemed happy for a moment.

Home

Of course, it all flooded back to me the closer we got. By the time we reached Glen's station, it felt like Hades was clawing at me all over again. I try to remember Aunt Leslie's advice, I do—but I haven't slept more than two hours before I wake up from nightmares and without Ken around to make the dreams fade away.

Susan wants me to go into town to run a few errands so I suppose I should go do that before she comments that I have been moping about?

Rilla

"Let me help you with that," Rilla hears as some of her packages drop from her arms onto the snowy ground of the general store.

"Thank you," Rilla says with a breath of relief, fixing them in her basket once more with the things from Susan's list.

"I know, I've seen you around before," he says simply. "I'm Fred Arnold, I just moved not long ago, my father is the minister at the Methodist Church."

"Rilla," She says quietly, still not used to using Ken's name, even though it was hers as well.

"You're the Doctors daughter? Well, one of them I believe?"

"I am," Rilla nods her head, slightly confused by this whole conversation, but at least it was daytime and people were around.

"I don't see you around often, but I thought I saw you with your father one day," He explains. "I thought maybe we can meet up one day? Go for a walk?"

"I-I don't think my parents would allow that yet," Rilla tells him unsure of what else to say and he takes her rejection gracefully as possible thankfully. "Thank you for the help."

"Anytime," He says tipping his hat to her before going away.

Rilla mainly nods her head and pulls her jacket around her further. This was Glen St Mary, it was safe. She had to remind herself. Still, strangers made her feel nervous even in town but she couldn't hide away forever.

"Rilla Blythe, or should I say Ford?" She heard Mary Vance's voice before she turned around. "I haven't seen you out and about lately?"

"Oh, well, I was in Toronto and I didn't feel like going out with all the storms and cold I guess?" Rilla replies meekly.

"You're looking well though, fresh air always agreed with you though," Mary Vance notes. "How was your visit to see Kenneth? Is it alright if I still call him Kenneth?"

"I think so?" Rilla says rather unsure, when did people truly become a title? Is she really now just Mrs. Ford and Kenneth, Mr. Ford? Could her friends still call Ken by his name around her? Sure Mother and Mrs. Meredith called by their first names, and Father and Mr. Meredith did the same and if they were all together it was all by first names. "I don't think it's wrong, he was Kenneth Ford to everyone when he was here?"

"True enough, well you stayed slim enough over the holidays and winter weeks," Mary says not so subtly implying to her waistline.

Rilla looks at her unsure of how to say things. Surely her mother had told Mrs. Cornelia who allowed the mill to be fed with accurate news?

"Well, maybe I can rope you into some sewing this spring if you have no sewing of your own to do?" Mary continues alluding she knows all about either way.

"I can try?" Rilla says quietly. "I still go and help Mrs. Anderson a few times a week with the baby, and Ken will visit in May after he graduated but before he enlisting," she finds herself explaining her days.

"Well, any help is appreciated by our men, and if yours is going you might as well start sooner or later. Don't want him to think you are a slacker after all." Mary clucks her tongue. "Though hopefully he doesn't fall victim to those French girls."

"I'll consider it, but some days aren't good days," Rilla tries to explain without fully explaining anything while ignoring the quip about Ken falling for a French girl. Even if he did...he only married her because he felt sorry for her.

"Of course," Mary says tilting her head.

"I should go," Rilla says holding the packages awkwardly.

"Of course," Mary Vance says nodding her head and walking away. Rilla sighs and starts on the familiar road home towards the Andersons.

She finds Minnie and Little Jims warm in cozy in their small house and warmly welcomed.

"He is getting so big," Rilla says too Minnie as sits on the floor of the Andersons house. She watched the boy roll about on his blankets. "His hair has finally decided to come in and the way it curls is utterly delectable isn't it?"

"You know for someone who reminded me often that she does not like babies, you are quite taken with him." Minnie laughs.

"He's cute, doesn't mean I am suddenly a baby lover," Rilla tells her as she scoops up the infant after standing up. "Little Jims is just lucky that I have taken a liking to him."

"You'll make a good mother one day when the time is right," Minnie says quietly.

"I don't think…I don't think I could," Rilla says quietly. "Knowing how…I don't think I could."

"Maybe not, but if you find someone who cherishes you, who loves you and protects you, it might be possible. Whether or not that is Ken or someone else one day, don't give up on loving Rilla or that sort of love with another it can be achievable one day." Minnie tells her taking her son back who was pawing at Rilla's chest. She settles down in the rocking chair unbuttoning her blouse pushing aside her undergarments and unsnapping her corset to feed her son.

"I feel safe with Ken," Rilla says looking out the window.

"He's a good young man, but Rilla, do not rush healing for something that means nothing," Minnie looks at her. "I know you are confused about how your mother and I can advocate and say that such things can be loving and special, given your experience but that shouldn't mean you need to feel like know sooner than what you're ready for. Though you have yet to tell me about the Christmas holidays and how the trip went."

"I'm sorry, I came home and caught a cold and I didn't want to get Little Jim's sick," Rilla says frowning.

"I know I heard from your Father," Minnie tells her. "Now all the details, I need some actual conversation."

Rilla gives a small half laugh. "Well, it's a long journey but it was decent. The Fords are lovely and I had the spare room. Ken took me to the Rom before Christmas and we went to some opera of carols as well. I borrowed a dress from his sister Persis?" Rilla says quietly.

"That's all?" Minnie gives her a knowing look and Rilla just shrugs a shoulder.

"I had a nice little talk with Aunt Leslie or Mother Leslie? I don't know what to call her these days. She…she was married before she met Uncle Owen and he wasn't a nice husband." Her voice is like a mouse, not wanting to tell others secrets but how else can she explain her list? "She understands on a level, that not many people understand a few things that have happened as of late. She also warned me about how men sometimes wake up with certain unexpected bodily functions that don't exactly mean they want anything, it just happens?" She says blushing bright red.

"Morning wood," Minnie says cracking a smile. "Though I am curious why she would think a girl like yourself would need to know such things. Sneaking into someone's bed have we?" She teases, and Rilla just blushes and shoots her an indignant look.

"I…just slept better if he was near me," Rilla tells her trying to not make a big deal of it. "Probably shouldn't have, because now I have to sleep alone again. I can't keep crawling in with Mom at night."

"One day you'll sleep without even thinking about dreams and terrors," Minnie rests her hand on her forearm. "One day it will come naturally once more."

"Sometimes it doesn't feel like it at all," Rilla sighs. "I thought after…I thought maybe it would stop knowing they weren't inside of me anymore. I was wrong though."

"In all good time, spring is around the corner I am sure things will look brighter." Minnie reassures her. "Have you heard from your brother?

"Jem is a brave soldier through and through. In the trenches but still writing cheerfully as he can?" Rilla explains her brother to her friend. "More cheerful than Walter at school, he writes often but it's always filled with moods and wallowing. What about your husband?"

"He writes here and there," Minnie says quietly looking away. "He was never the best of writers, but he says thank you for the photos of Jim that you took for him."

"I'll take more next time I visit, we can have some fun this time around," Rilla tells her brightly. "Ken showed me a few tricks on his camera when I was visiting."

"I'll put him in his best romper," Minnie says eye brightening slightly looking towards the frosty window. "I think your Father is here?"

"Oh Hades, Susan must be panicking that I hadn't come back yet," Rilla says jumping up from her spot on the floor. Her Father looks worried and flustered as she swings open the door. His worry ebbed away taking notice of her, but still a look or flash of something in his hazel eyes makes her feel guilty for making him worry.

Still, he pulls her into an almost bone-crushing sort of hug.

"You can't go off without letting us know where," he says firmly, but gently.

"I'm sorry," she says weakly. "I didn't mean to make you worry, I just ran into Mary Vance and I…I needed a friend" She says looking to Minnie who was now up out of the chair with her son.

Her father only nods his head, eyes softer this time around. "Understandable, but next time come home first and tell us please?" Her father quietly kissed the top of her head. She looks up a him, noticing the grey in his hair more and more, and the wrinkles around his eyes. She says goodbye to Minnie, promising to come the next day to help with the chores. She rides back with her Father and Mother hugs her when she and Father come through the door.

"I'm sorry," she repeats, but Mother shushes her and pulls her even more tightly. Nothing was said about it afterwards, no scoldings or talks. Dinner was her parents merely watching her with relief. She was safe, she didn't mean to worry them but she did, it still felt all to real to them, thinking about last August.

Afterwards her father ran out to a call and her mother sat down by the fire and brought out her crochet. Rilla followed her as she tried to get the hang of knitting to do something for her brother and the war.

"Have you ever…" Rilla starts asking her mother before stopping herself.

"Have I ever what?" Mother looks to her over her crocheting.

"Never mind," Rilla says shaking her head.

"Rilla, please just ask me?" Her mother sets down her work and moves over to Rilla who is trying to knit a pair of socks for Jem.

"I know you lost Joy, but did you ever…" Rilla can barely finish her sentence.

"Oh Rilla," Mother says letting out her breath and wrapping her arm around her daughter. "I have had seven children, six who survived."

"That isn't exactly an answer," Rilla looks up to her and her mother smiles sadly at her.

"Between your Sisters and Shirley, it was early though not like your own experience but it was a loss all the same," Mother tells her. "They say it's for the best sometimes, that it was God's choice, or nature's selection and not long after I realized I was expecting Shirley and I was afraid for a while, but he held on. I thought he would be my last little one given how ill I was afterwards. But I wonder about Joy, I wonder about the other child as well. What might have been?"

"Yet you still ended up with me?" Rilla looks up at her.

"You were a surprise to both your Father and I. I didn't even realize until your Father pointed it out." Mother explains to her. "Your father says losses are far more common than we may ever talk about."

"Aunt Leslie said she experienced some," Rilla says quietly.

"She did, I remember the day she told me about them. After Joy had been buried I swore I thought I would never smile again back then. She sat with me, her little ones lost early on, but also born too early after what I can only assume to be domestic violence?" Mother recollects as she brushes down the plait of ruddy hair. "She was there later than I was so afraid to admit I was expecting Jem. Letting me know that it was normal to feel such a way."

"Did she tell you what happened?" Rilla wonders what Ken's mother told her.

"I don't believe so, what happened?" Anne looks down her eyebrow raised and Rilla sighs, flushing at her embarrassment. "She mentioned something about not staying in the spare room?" Mother teases her.

"I woke up bleeding," Rilla looks down. "In Ken's bed and he panicked that Uncle Owen had to tell him to calm down, and Walter was shocked he didn't know about such things?"

"Well, he only has Persis and we women tend to keep things quiet, but in this house of three young women and your father being a doctor your brother tends to know more than average?" Mother explains with a laugh. "It hasn't come again?"

Rilla only shakes her head.

"It will take a few times to settle itself," Mother reassures her. "It happens though, after twenty-some years of marriage to your father, it has happened more than once."

"I bled on him Mother!" Rilla says embarrassed still about the whole thing.

"It happens dearest, and clearly he didn't harbour any feelings against it," Mother laughs shaking her head. "It will be all be fine in the grand scheme of things. Now finish that sock and try and turn the heel yourself this time."

Rilla sighs, and goes back to her knitting, but glad she had spoken to her Mother about it.

"He did find me some chocolate," she says quietly with upturned lips...almost a smile.

February 2nd 1915

Dear Kenneth

I scared Mother and Father today, I went out to town to pick up a few things for Susan and ended up stopping by Minnie's to see her since I haven't since I got back and while catching up I lost track of time to the point that Father came looking for me rather frantic looking and worried that I….

I apologized of course I did mean to worry them, but I did. I just wanted to talk to Minnie and she doesn't have a telephone so I had no way to ring home. Mother wouldn't stop looking at me over dinner afterwards. I guess I will be more careful from now on and make sure that they know if I go out anywhere.

Minnie is doing well, and Little Jims is getting so big and cheerful little man with adorable golden curls coming in, no teeth, but rolling about on the floor. Trying to creep, even though he doesn't know how yet. He is sweet and enjoys a cuddle when I am about. Which is something I never thought I would ever write!

How are classes going now that you are back? It is strange to be finishing this year. I hope no one bothers you about being there and not in the war. Jem tries to make it sound cheerful, but really how can mud and bugs be something cheerful? The more I hear about the more I read about this realm of Hades that has erupted…my suffering is barely equal to the suffering of this world. Hades has his claws in everything and it's all bloodshed and guns.

I don't want you to go Kenneth—, but I know you will because you're able to now and you will do your part just as you have done before for me. Which I still feel guilty about even when you told me that day that you sacrificed nothing for me. Sometimes I lay in bed and just think about your voice repeating those words to me.

Father catches me writing more and more these days. I think he's glad that I am, something about how one day my descendant may read them and learn about what life was like during the wartimes. I mean I do write occasionally about the war, but mostly it's just meaningless gibberish of everyday life. How is that interesting? I miss you more than ever these days, or maybe I miss actual sleep.

Either way, I miss you.

Your Rilla