Chapter 3 – Say Hello to My Little Friend

Zoro

Zoro had thought his day couldn't get any worse. He was wrong.

Somehow, he and Sanji had muddled through another weirdly intense hand-feeding session for dinner during which both of them pretended they were doing anything other than what they were doing, but not quite pretending hard enough for Zoro not to notice Sanji's fingers on his lips and Sanji's eyes fixed on his face and Sanji's knees pressed into his thighs. It had taken every single ounce of his considerable willpower to not react in any way, unlike during lunchtime, which he was absolutely not going to start thinking about.

Who knew being hand fed would be such an uncomfortably intimate experience? And to think, he possibly had to suffer through even more days of this torture. He wished Luffy would hurry the fuck up.

Now it was dark and even colder than it had been during the day. How the fuck had he slept through that for three days and why the fuck couldn't he do it now?

He was shifting around on his back, trying to find the most comfortable position a cold stone floor and chained hands allowed. He hadn't found it yet and he was starting to think he never would; they were all just as bad as each other. He briefly considered leaning against the wall again, but he'd woken with a crick in his neck that still hadn't gone away and his arms and shoulders burning so intensely that he'd almost cried out. He'd only managed to swallow it down because like hell he was going to show pain in front of Sanji.

He rolled to his side to try something new and that's when the 'worse' happened. Sanji, laying on his back the entire 20 feet of the cell away from Zoro, started doing a weird body-shuffle towards him.

Zoro stared in mixture horror and fascination as Sanji got closer and closer. Part of him wanted to ask Sanji what the hell he thought he was doing, but a larger, more insistent part of him demanded he see whatever the fuck this was through. He didn't like this part; he wished it would go away, along with Sanji who was now a mere eight feet away. Then six. Then four. Then two. Then…

Then he was pressed up against Zoro, and it finally dawned on him what Sanji was up to.

"Absolutely not," Zoro declared.

Sanji wiggled, pushing his shoulder into Zoro's chest. "Just hear me out."

"No."

"Come on…"

"No."

"For fuck's sake, stop saying no!" Sanji snapped. Zoro opened his mouth to say no, of course, but Sanji's turned on his side to face Zoro and immediately covered Zoro's mouth with his hand. "Do not even try."

Zoro fumed silently. It was absolutely not fair that Sanji could put his hand on his mouth to shut him up when Zoro didn't have use of his hands to break Sanji's arm for doing so.

Zoro tried licking Sanji's hand to gross him out but that only made Sanji laugh and say, "Please, I'm immune to that after today."

Zoro's mind flashed to the feel of Sanji's fingers on his lips and he quickly abandoned that strategy. That particular avenue of thought had 'Danger' written all over it in big, red, flashing letters.

His next attempt to dislodge Sanji was to shake his head forcefully, but Sanji just used his other hand to grab the back of his neck to keep him still and somehow this manhandling was even worse. His heart was pounding so hard he could feel it reverberate throughout his entire body.

"I'll take my hand off if you promise to hear me out," Sanji offered.

Zoro knew he wasn't going to like whatever would come out of Sanji's mouth but he figured he could always say no again, so he nodded reluctantly.

Sanji slipped his hand free and took in a deep breath. "Okay, so here's the thing. I'm very, very cold. One could even say freezing."

Zoro was right – he didn't like what was coming out of Sanji's stupid mouth at all.

"Suck it up, it's not that bad," Zoro grumbled. Sure, he was freezing too but he could pretty much ignore it if it came down to it. Well, sort of. Okay, not really, but he wasn't about to let Sanji know he was barely holding back his own shivers.

Zoro couldn't see Sanji roll his eyes but he just knew he was. "Not all of us are freaks of nature who train in extreme conditions like a psychopath," Sanji replied testily.

"That sounds like a you problem."

"That might be my problem but I happen to know what your problem is," Sanji replied sagely.

"You're my only problem!"

Sanji ignored him. "Don't think I haven't noticed you wriggling around trying to find a comfortable position. And I'd bet my share of treasure that your arms and neck were screaming in pain when you woke up earlier today," Sanji said, smirking. Again, Zoro couldn't really see his face in the dark but he just knew that stupid face was smirking at him.

Zoro sighed. There was really no point in denying it. Still, "I can handle it."

Sanji patted his shoulder condescendingly, "I'm sure you can, Mosshead, being so big and strong and brave."

Zoro grit his teeth at Sanji's patronising.

"But," Sanji continued, "you don't have to."

Zoro sighed again. It was that kind of day. He was going to regret this, he just knew it, but that insistent part of him was whispering see it through, see it through.

"What exactly are you proposing?"

"Simple. You be my blanket and I'll be your pillow."

Yep, he already regretted it.

"You couldn't have pestered your good friend Bob for a blanket in the three days since we got here?" Zoro griped.

Sanji laughed contemptuously. "Of course, I did. He said, and I quote, 'I don't know where they are.'"

Fucking figured.

"So you're actually serious about this?" Zoro asked, working through his disbelief that this conversation was actually happening.

"It's only being practical. And frankly, I'm so cold and had so little sleep the last three nights you were blasély snoring away that I'm really that desperate."

Zoro couldn't believe he was considering this, but that was exactly what he was doing. He just couldn't help but remember how warm and comfortable Sanji had been when he'd woken up on him that first day. And his arms and neck really had been fucked up when he'd woken up earlier.

What's the big deal? The insistent part of him cajoled.

Zoro supposed it was only as big of a deal as they made it and if they approached it like it was nothing, then maybe it'd be nothing.

Zoro sighed once more for good measure, this time in defeat. "So how are we going to do this?"

"Excellent!" Sanji replied brightly. "Okay, I'm thinking I'll lay on my back," which he then did, "and you can sort of half lay chest-down on top of me, enough that your weight isn't on your arms but not enough to completely crush me."

Turns out that was easier to say than to actually do. When Zoro tried to roll onto Sanji, only one shoulder made it on top of him and Zoro's face ended up somewhere near Sanji's armpit, which was pointless for what they hoped to achieve. Also, he didn't want his face to be in Sanji's armpit.

"Well, that didn't work," he grumbled into the armpit. He was going to have to lift himself up somehow.

Before he could figure it out, Sanji's hands gripped his sides and he lifted Zoro up and pulled him half on top of him without even a grunt to indicate any effort expended. Zoro sometimes forgot how strong Sanji was. Or more like he specifically chose not to acknowledge it because he didn't want to find anything admirable about the bastard. But Sanji had never used his strength on Zoro before and that…that was much harder to ignore. In fact, the knowledge that Sanji could throw Zoro around if he wanted to sent a little shiver up his spine.

That he could ignore.

But another thing he couldn't ignore? The way he was slipping off Sanji sideways. Zoro reacted on pure instinct and hooked his leg around Sanji's to keep himself in place. And in doing so became fully aware that he and Sanji were now connected the entire lengths of their bodies, from Zoro's face in Sanji's neck right down to their entangled legs, with Zoro's feet hanging past Sanji's as the only reprieve.

This was much, much worse than he'd anticipated. This…this wasn't nothing he'd promised himself.

Sanji slipped his arms under Zoro's arms and around his waist to hold him tightly against his torso, which made Zoro make a very embarrassing squeaking sound that he would deny ever left his lips to his dying breath.

"Relax, I gotta put my arms somewhere," Sanji said.

"Put them on the floor." That was when Zoro realised that when he moved his lips to speak, they moved against Sanji's skin.

Not good, not good!

"The floor is cold!" Sanji shivered in what Zoro assumed was a bid to prove how cold he was.

"Do you think I care?"

Sanji's neck did smell weirdly nice, though. It must be his natural scent because as far as Zoro knew he hadn't bathed in three days. How dare Sanji smell so good after three days.

Zoro shifted a little closer.

"I don't care that you don't care," Sanji argued.

Oh, now Zoro could feel Sanji's words vibrate as he spoke. Zoro squirmed.

Sanji's arms clamped around him harder, so hard it took Zoro's breath away and he…he didn't exactly hate it.

"Stop squirming, for fuck's sake!" Sanji complained, his voice sounding weirdly choked.

"I'll squirm if I damn well want to!" Zoro spat and squirmed some more just to prove he could. As if he'd ever let Sanji tell him what he could and couldn't do.

Then his upper thigh rubbed against Sanji's groin and he very abruptly realised why Sanji wanted him to stay still.

"Seriously, Mosshead!" Sanji shouted, sounding panicked.

"Okay, okay, whatever," Zoro mumbled, incredibly embarrassed and desperately trying to hid it behind nonchalance. He was definitely warm enough now. All over, in fact. But he could add the way the heat consolidated in his lower belly to the rapidly growing list of things he was ignoring.

"If you squirm on me again," Sanji threatened, "I'll -"

"What? You'll do what?" Zoro challenged. "There's nothing you could possibly do to me that is worse than what is happening right now."

"Suck it up and cuddle like a man!" Sanji ordered.

Zoro scoffed, puffing air onto Sanji's neck. "What the fuck is cuddling like a man supposed to look like?"

"It looks like you shutting up and laying still so I can go to sleep! The sooner we go to sleep the sooner we wake up and the sooner we wake up the sooner we can pretend this never happened."

"At least until tomorrow night," Zoro reminded him.

"Let's just operate on the assumption that we'll be rescued tomorrow, okay?" Sanji replied. "I don't want to go through a second mental breakdown today. I barely recovered from the first one."

"That sounds like -"

"- a you problem, yes, yes I know," Sanji drawled.

Zoro sniffed. "Stop finishing my sentences – it's creepy."

"Then stop breathing into my neck!"

"Where else am I supposed to breath?!" Zoro protested.

"Maybe just hold your breath until you die," Sanji suggested.

"Fuck you!"

"You wish!"

Zoro had a spontaneous coughing fit. When he stopped, he managed to say, "Congratulations, you just made this weird."

"Firstly, it was already weird," Sanji pointed out and Zoro could admit at least to himself that Sanji had a point there.

"Secondly," Sanji continued, "that wasn't a denial."

Zoro jeered, "Who'd want to fuck you."

"Plenty of people! All of the people!" Sanji protested indignantly. "Besides, who says I'd be the one getting fucked, anyway."

"Please, you're a natural bottom," Zoro replied confidently.

"I am not a bottom!"

"I bet your thirsty hole would suck a cock right in," Zoro taunted, then realised what he'd just said, then did a mental shrug when he heard Sanji's squawk of distress. Anything he said that elicited that sort of reaction was worth it.

"Shut the fuck up, Mosshead!" Sanji ordered breathlessly.

A feeling that could only be glee creeped up Zoro's chest. "Then I bet you'd squeeze it like a vise as you begged to come."

Now it was Sanji who was squirming. Served him right.

Zoro continued relentlessly, "But you wouldn't be allowed to, not yet. And you'd hold it in like a good boy."

"I'm seriously about to have another mental breakdown right now if you don't stop!" Sanji panted.

But Zoro was far beyond stopping now.

"And when you were finally given permission to come, you'd explode so hard you'd almost pass out from the pleasure."

"Fuck," Sanji whimpered.

"And then you'd beg for it again, you'd be gagging for it. You'd say 'More, please' and you'd get more – once you earned it," Zoro crooned.

Sanji suddenly went limp under him. Zoro headbutted him, but Sanji remained unresponsive.

He must have passed out because his brain couldn't handle Zoro's teasing. Which was satisfying and just as well.

Because it was then that Zoro realised he was hard.

And Zoro woke up hard.

He wished he could say it was morning wood, but he couldn't quite manage to convincingly lie to himself. Because this was the third time he'd gotten hard around Sanji in less than 24 hours.

The first had been the spontaneous thumb sucking incident which would heretofore never be referenced again. Fortunately, that time Sanji had been too deep in a mental breakdown to notice. The second had been last night's inexplicable dirty talking incident which would also be stricken from the record of Zoro's brain. Fortunately, that time Sanji had…also been too deep in a mental breakdown to notice. And now this.

And why? Because Zoro had spent all night pressed up against Sanji in what would otherwise be described as a lover's embrace if they weren't sworn enemies. And it turned out that having all that firm muscle beneath him and those strong arms wrapped around him and that fucking tantalising skin under his lips and the maddening scent of it did things to him. Very unfortunate, unwelcomed things.

This was, to put it simply, catastrophic.

He couldn't believe his body was reacting this way to Eyebrows. He'd never felt so betrayed as he did right then by his dick. He usually had 100% control of his body at all times, but now he couldn't get his dick to chill the fuck out. He'd never gotten an unwanted hard-on before being stuck in this fucking cell with that fucking idiot.

He blamed Sanji for this, naturally. He must have done something to him. He didn't know what, but there was no way he'd be reacting this way otherwise. Maybe he was having one of Sanji's mental breakdowns but with his dick.

Maybe this was all a horrible nightmare and he'd wake up blessedly flaccid. Zoro bit his lip hard to test this theory out but the nightmare stubbornly persisted.

Was this the worst thing that had ever happened to him? Probably. Did he know what he was going to do about it? No, he did not. Sanji's arms were still inconveniently trapping him in place and he didn't dare try to wrestle his way free because that would only make the hard-on harder. He wasn't running out options, he had no options to start with.

Then, disaster stuck. Sanji shifted beneath him.

But this wasn't an ordinary sleep shift. No, this was a waking-up shift. An I'm-about-to-be-conscious-and-notice-your-hard-dick-pressed-into-me shift. There was no avoiding it so Zoro had to figure out how to play this, fast.

Maybe he'd try the 'if you treat it as nothing, it becomes nothing' strategy. Sure, it had a current success rate of zero, but sometimes these things just required a bit of practice. So, he had a path forward.

But what actually happened was he panicked the instant he felt Sanji stiffen into full conscious awareness of Zoro's predicament.

He flailed. Sanji flailed. Somewhere in the middle of all this flailing Sanji's thigh ended up rubbing Zoro's erection and Zoro's thigh ended up rubbing Sanji's erection –

Wait, what?

Zoro froze. Did an experimental little rub.

Yep, that was an erection alright. Zoro didn't know whether to feel better or worse that Sanji was also hard. He decided on worse, because Sanji's erection was most likely actually due to morning wood, unlike his own rebellious cock, so there was no justice in the knowledge. It was merely one more thing he was going to need to forget the feel of.

"Did you just rub my dick?!" Sanji yelled.

"No, your dick just rubbed my leg!" Zoro argued.

"Why are you hard?!" Sanji accused.

"Why are you hard?!" Zoro threw back.

"I always wake up hard!" Sanji insisted.

"So do I!" Zoro lied.

"You should have considered this problem before we did this," Sanji complained.

Zoro couldn't believe what he was hearing. "This was your idea!"

"You didn't have to agree!"

"How is this my fault?!"

"Because everything wrong in my world is your fault!"

"Never knew I loomed so large in your life, Eyebrows," Zoro sneered.

"You're not large anywhere," Sanji retorted and pressed his leg harder against Zoro's erection to emphasise his point.

Zoro hissed, because of both Sanji's words and that delicious pressure. It was almost too much yet not quite enough.

Do not start humping his leg! Zoro ordered his wayward body firmly.

"Don't touch it, you're making it worse!" Zoro yelled.

"Then stop touching mine!"

"Maybe I wouldn't touch it if it wasn't there!"

"I already said it's not my fault! And why haven't you gotten the fuck off me yet?!" Sanji raged.

"Maybe because your arms are still wrapped around my waist!" Zoro raged back.

Sanji stiffened in what Zoro could only assume was surprise. Then the next thing Zoro knew he was being unceremoniously flung off Sanji and onto his back.

Good. Now his dick could finally be hard in peace.

Sanji stood up and tried to run over to the other side of his cell, but his actions lost all potential weight because it took him a good 30 seconds to make it there. At least that gave Zoro plenty of time to push himself up using the wall.

When Sanji finally reached his destination, he pointed an accusing arm at Zoro and cried, "You stay this far away from me for the rest of the day! I've had enough of you being all over me!"

"Good, because I've had enough of you, period!" Zoro cried back.

"Good!"

"Good!" Zoro replied because he had to get in the last word even if it made him sound like he was 12.

Sanji opened his mouth and Zoro could see how tempted he was to throw another 'good' out there, but with a self-restraint Zoro himself did not possess at that moment, Sanji simply sat down with his back turned towards him.

Zoro would have felt better that he'd gotten in the last word, but his dick was still hard.