A/N: I started working on this back in August when I was in a really low point and lost all motivation for writing IY fic. I thought trying to explore a silly plot idea in another fandom would help. It got me writing again, but I'm still not where I should be. This is only edited by me because my beta reader hasn't caught up, and it pretty much spoils a lot. So if you haven't watched season 2, you should. It's delightful, even if it's shorter.

Full tags are listed on AO3. Just don't take this fic too seriously; it's purely self-indulgent because the brain decided to take a couple of thoughts and run a marathon.

Chapter 1: The mouth runs, but the feet run faster

Tip: What the mouth doesn't say, the body will in some other way. You can't predict when or where it will happen, but a reaction will be provided.

In two years, Joshua Belaira had managed to question nearly every oath he'd taken as a samurai.

As a young boy, he'd taken the code of Bushido to heart. When his rank increased to Samurai Master, he was expected to be a walking example of the code. And to an extent, he felt like he had done a fine job of that. He served his lord even if the prince hadn't earned the respect, and he'd swear revenge if Mercy was killed. Overall, the code stood for loyalty, but he'd never had to consider if that included an opponent serving alongside the Samurai.

It damn sure didn't mention what to do if said opponent had a pretty face. And pretty…everything else, if he were honest. He was a red-blooded male and some things were hard to overlook.

"You'd bring a Sorcerer General into the Samurai residence?! Forget it. The three Sorcerer Generals are the ones leading the Dark Rebel Army. They are the enemy." They had been returning from a mission when Yoko called him back. Joshua had thought that she might've seen more of the enemy approaching. Never once did he think she'd be pitching a Sorcerer General's skills to be added to their defense.

Yoko, however, was persistent. "But one of them isn't. Not anymore. The one who left them and fought on our side against them back in Meta-llicana. Her magic is powerful. You can't say she wouldn't be a big help to us."

"But, uh…" Before he could bullshit his way with a counterargument, a new voice met his ears as a hooded figure appeared from the trees behind Yoko.

"Never mind, Yoko." The cloak's hood was pulled back to reveal piercing blue eyes that looked bored. Her voice was smooth, and she appeared to be put out more by the cleric's request than his earlier remarks if she'd heard them. "It's fine with me if you samurai don't want my services. I only came because Yoko asked me to. If you don't want me, I'll go."

Joshua had put his foot in his mouth, and now he couldn't form half a sentence. His late mother would be disappointed in his inability to be articulate. The woman had taken a step away, ready to turn and disappear, and his mind was scrambling to function. This had never happened before. "But… Wait a minute. Tell me your name, at least."

Let him have a name to associate with the first woman to make him speechless. This woman caught him by surprise, and the last thing he wanted to see was her leave. That thought shocked him just as much.

"I'm Kai Harn."

If he'd known that day would be the start of his madness…he wasn't sure he would've been able to turn Kai away.

All samurai swore an oath to only follow one lord. It was part of the code, and Joshua never questioned it. Before Prince Mercy, it had been his father, the late King Harris, but over the past two years he'd found himself wishing he had more freedoms than he felt he was entitled to. Prince Mercy was a terrible lord for the samurai. For every suggestion that Mifune made, Prince Mercy had a snide comment that opposed it. The gods above would pray for any man that dared approach the prince with a request that would not benefit his royal highness. He was terrible, and no matter how awful he'd act, Joshua had sworn to avenge his death if he were killed. On the other hand…resisting the urge to thank the murderer would be next to impossible.

Kai almost murdered the prince once and Joshua nearly kissed her. Accidentally. At least, that would be his excuse as he lay on the floor nursing a broken nose. Kai wasn't open to affection, but she really couldn't stand propositions.

"What a repulsive, malignant, entitled excuse for the opposite sex!" He hadn't been able to hear what the prince had said to her under breath, but she'd kept her composure until they'd been dismissed from the meeting. Whatever it was had made her furious, but given her description of the prince, it was probably something crass.

Kai was working through her excess rage, and he'd made the choice to be her sparring partner. It was safer to take the brunt of her anger than to let her get it out alone and destroy the practice dojo. Plus it gave him the excuse to get first hand experience against one of the three Sorcerer Generals.

He…also might have liked seeing the fire in her eyes. The blue seemed to glow brilliantly when she was passionate about something, and in that moment, her aim was to drive him into the floor.

'If only.'

The wooden sword in Joshua's hands snapped in two when Kai struck it again, sending the top piece flying away. He had a split second to raise the half he still held to block her next strike. He didn't have a death wish but the next eligible samurai to ascend to master status was Vai, and he was too…

Joshua didn't trust Vai's ability to lead as far as he could throw him, and he'd gotten practice getting the young man away from the showers whenever Yoko would occupy them. He had to stay alive, even if it meant fighting dirty in practice sparring matches. But Kai wasn't engaging in a match befitting of her honor either. The woman was straddling his hips and swinging at the piece of sword in his hands, most likely seeing the narrow-nosed prince instead of him.

He hoped. Joshua wasn't being conceited when he compared himself to the prince, but he liked to think his odds of gaining a woman's favor were higher. It was just too bad that he picked the prickliest woman on Earth to be fascinated with.

He didn't like using his gender's strength against her, but he could see the wood starting to split again. Joshua had to act quick. He braced himself against the next strike, tightening his core as he pulled himself up. This had the desired effect, because Kai stalled for only a moment, allowing him to knock her own wooden sword from her hands across the room. Without thinking, she'd reached forward to take his half of a sword, forgetting in her haste that she was still straddling his lap – knocking their foreheads together with a loud CLUNK.

It was the first time Joshua had ever seen stars during the afternoon, much less with a woman. If he hadn't felt like his brain was rolling around in his skull in pieces after that collision, he might've realized right then that they had been nose to nose. As it was, it didn't occur to him until later that night.

The next morning when she'd seen him with the dark circles under his eyes, he could only say that he had trouble sleeping because he had a lot on his mind. Thankfully, Kai took it at face value. She'd looked like she was still nursing a headache from the day before.

After that incident, Kai began to seek out Joshua specifically to spar with. He had no complaints, but if he so much as let his mind stray back to that moment, she was gonna call him on it. And laugh about it. She had a pretty laugh, and it pained him that she didn't do it more often.

Samurai were supposed to show respect and honesty. Joshua was typically a poster model for this part of the code. Even when the situation called for brutal honesty, he could still present the facts in a way that wouldn't offend the recipient. But with Yoko and Lucien's appearance at the castle two years prior, having them become integrated with the samurai, and then bringing in Kai…some of the other samurai gradually began to slip up in their respect. Their honesty was perhaps too honest at times, and they had only themselves to blame for the repercussions.

Lucien would laugh. Yoko would punch. Kai had summoned a cockatrice in the courtyard once. Joshua had hated to be the one to tell her to call it off, even if it was damn funny and embarrassing at how quickly his men scattered. It was almost as funny was the time he'd caught three of them spying on her.

"Man, I wouldn't mind being crushed by those thighs!"

"Gotta love seeing a woman fight."

"Nothing beats seeing that armor float around all those curves."

Joshua took great satisfaction in seeing each man that was hanging over the balcony and leering at Kai shift to panic when he tapped their shoulders with the tip of his sword's scabbard. They were younger boys, not much younger than Vai, who were recently sworn in as fully-capable samurai. Finding out their leader and former teacher had caught them leering must have been humiliating.

"I believe it would do you gentlemen well to carry on with your duties," he spoke, keeping his voice even. The rising anger was making his chest ache, which was surprising. He'd taken up defense of the innocent before, but hearing them speak in such a way about the Sorcerer General had him gritting his teeth. "Kai Harn is not a warrior to be trifled with, nor am I. Now unless you would rather me call her so you can receive a proper introduction to her skills…"

Somehow they'd managed to kick up dust on the balcony as they fled the scene. Joshua wasn't sure how it was possible to accrue that much at such a height, but if he caught them again they'd be on cleaning duty for a month.

The Sorcerer General's presence continued to remind Joshua that for all of his training, for all of his hard work to become a Samurai Master, he'd never learned how to actually deal with a woman. Tia Noto Yoko had been his introduction into losing an argument with a woman, but Kai Harn was the practical exam that could knock him on his ass if he didn't give up. Unfortunately for her, Joshua was notoriously stubborn. He also enjoyed riling her up during practice matches. He just…never figured out how to stop that runaway cart as it flew downhill.

It wasn't that he had never spoken to or interacted with women. That was far from the case; he'd heard stories about Vai from his own mother on occasion. But like Vai's mother, most every woman at the samurai residence was respectful and didn't push boundaries. These two women in particular didn't hesitate, and because they were labeled 'pretty' by the majority, it was easy to overlook. Joshua didn't agree with that statement. All women held appeal to the right man, and he'd been raised to never think of a woman otherwise. If her physical appearance didn't call to him, there was another quality that made her pretty in his eyes.

No matter what way he tried to word it to himself it sounded awful, but the meaning was sincere. He liked and appreciated women, but unlike some of his comrades he wasn't about to go chasing after every one he saw. He needed more than a pretty face to capture his interest.

Yoko and Kai, they were physically pretty, for example. It was their personalities that stood out above their looks to him, and Joshua couldn't imagine either being subservient. Did he think about them beyond that? Not Yoko perhaps, but – no, of course not! It was not appropriate to think about such matters as a samurai master, let alone voice them. He had a position and a duty to uphold.

"You're doing it again."

Joshua clenched his jaw as his best friend came to stand next to him. He should have known better than to think that he could sneak off to be alone. All he'd wanted was a moment to think as he watched the sun set behind the horizon. "I'm doing nothing."

"You're brooding," Jorg snickered. "Man, when are you going to do something –"

"I am not –"

"If you brood any harder you could hatch an egg. Why don't you just… I don't know… talk to Kai? It's been two years. Dark Schneider is back. We've got a moment of rest while we regroup and figure out how to deal with Anthrasax." Jorg tucked his hands in his pants pockets. "We don't get a lot of opportunities like this."

"No, we don't."

Barely a week had passed since the battle on the floating city. It had come as a surprise for all of them to end up fighting against pieces of Anthrasax with a common goal. Traveling back to their residence with an even larger group than they had left with, including the recovering Princess of Meta-llicana, was too much. Returning with Sorcerer Shoguns, the full Sorcerer General set, and the four Divine Kings on top of the samurai had made for a very crowded room. Once again it had been a mass of tangled bodies crushing each other as the portal threw them to the floor. Joshua had made a very bold choice to reach for Kai so she wouldn't be crushed, allowing her to use his body as a cushion. She'd been thankful, and he might have caught a hint of a blush in her cheeks when she climbed off him. The view wasn't too bad either.

It'd made his day – until he'd looked over and seen Jorg giving him a knowing look.

Jorg liked to say that he knew Joshua better than Joshua knew himself. Ever since that look, his friend had been gradually poking at him, trying to get Joshua to admit things he didn't believe were true. Jorg had told him he was in denial on more than one occasion, but what could he do? Kai was unattainable. He'd heard the rumors and seen how she acted when men made attempts.

"You do know that the walls won't hold up if you keep blasting holes through them," Jorg added offhandedly. "I mean it's funny as hell when you go on a rip after Dark Schneider and all, but if you'd just lay claim on her –"

"Kai belongs to no one!" Joshua cut him off, feeling a familiar rage build up. "She's free to choose whomever she wishes, if she desires to do so."

If there were a nearby wall, Jorg would have banged his head against it, or Joshua's. "You want her to desire you." It was said so simply that if his friend didn't acknowledge it finally he would beat it into him.

He'd never seen Joshua go so red before. It would have been funny if it weren't so sad to see the man's expression fall seconds later.

"I…yes…" The reply was barely above a whisper, but Jorg had heard it. "But I will not force her into admitting if there is anyone she desires. That is something she should give of her own choice, but… I worry about what such an answer could mean."

Jorg scratched his head, ruffling the dark curls. His leader had a point, as much as it sucked. It was plain as day to anyone with a brain that Joshua was interested in Kai, especially after that late-night brawl in the corridor. Hammet still braced himself whenever Dark Schneider would say something uncouth, ready to leap at Joshua again as though the added weight would do any good. Joshua had still dragged him through the hallway, sword in hand as though he were on the battlefield.

"You could fish." Joshua shot him a look that silently asked if he'd lost his mind when he was brought back to life. Jorg didn't look bothered. "Test the waters. You don't have to blurt out that you want her under you in the bed, but maybe hint towards things in regular conversation."

Hell, he may as well have spilled his deepest thoughts. He'd certainly done worse. Protesting Kai's suggestion to try the spell to awaken the wizard had been embarrassing, because he couldn't explain why he didn't like that idea to her. He had been worn out from their practice match; he hadn't been thinking. That blunder could only be upped by waking up naked in the battlefield.

He swore that his body had been cut into pieces. Not all of the threads severed his limbs at once, so he'd felt the magic cord cut through his major arteries before his throat had been slit. The next thing he knew, he felt rocks digging into his bare ass. Shifting to sit up had been an experience, and there was no graceful way of brushing off rocks and dirt from the creases of ones thighs or ass cheeks after standing.

It looked like the sun was rising, but he couldn't tell if this was the 'eternal paradise' he'd always been told about growing up. So much looked like it had been destroyed, and to wake up in a heaven that looked like the ruins of the samurai residence was cruel. But he could hear rejoicing in the distance. People were saying they were relieved to see each other again. That they weren't dead after all.

"Joshua!"

The sweet voice met his ears and he turned to see Kai running towards him. Joshua broke into a smile, feeling a weight lift from his chest. She was safe. "Kai! Thank goodness you're alright!"

Kai was smiling as she ran towards him, a genuine smile. He couldn't have cared if he was smiling like an idiot then; her expression was infectious. Then she'd stopped an arm's length away and looked down. Her cheeks had gone red, but he was too happy to see her to question it. "Joshua! Uh…you should put something on!" She'd quickly turned, putting her back to him.

That was odd. Why –

Joshua looked down and realized he was still naked. And she'd seen it all.

He'd slapped his hands over himself and turned away, pressing his thighs together in the off chance that if she turned back around, she wouldn't glimpse any of him from that side. It was stupid at that point, but he'd prided himself on being a gentleman to her. "Oh! I'm sorry! I'm sorry for so many things!"

Jorg thought it was fucking hilarious when he'd heard the tale. Joshua didn't, but he'd felt relief at seeing his best friend alive once more that he let him laugh until the man cried.

"Look at it this way," Jorg was apparently trying a different approach. "Kai's seen every inch of you now. She knows what she'd be getting. You said she blushed that day, right? Sounds to me that she's not turned off."

That was the thing. They had never spoken about that moment. Joshua had considered it the night he spoke with Kai at the balcony, but the conversation never led in a direction that he felt he could. To make him more of a wuss, he'd backed out of telling her how beautiful she looked. When the conversation had stalled, it would have been the perfect moment. The light of the moon was shining on her skin, the wind lifted her hair around her in a delicate halo. She looked exquisite sitting there in that red dress – and he hadn't had the guts to pay her the compliment. Kai had even asked if something was wrong, but he told her it was nothing.

Jorg sighed in dismay. For all of the skills and intelligence Joshua Belaira possessed, he'd unknowingly mastered the skill of self-sabotage. His best friend was thrown headfirst into probably his first crush in the middle of a rebellion, to a warrior no less, and he kept finding ways to block himself from enjoying his youth.

Joshua mumbled about how it was getting late and they should get some rest, but while he agreed, Jorg didn't think his esteemed leader would sleep much. As his best friend, Jorg felt like there should have been something he could do to move things along. Nudge Joshua forward, so to speak. He was a samurai that never backed down from a fight, but he was digging his heels in with this one.

Outright pushing him into Kai was out of the question, and it was clear that vocal encouragement wasn't doing the job. No, Jorg needed to think of something else. Maybe he needed to check with Hammet about securing a blank book. He could write out all of the tips he could think of for a man in pursuit of a woman. But considering Kai was a whole other breed of woman, it might do some good to get her opinion on things men did. It could save Joshua some broken bones, and he'd gain points in her favor. If nothing else his friend would get entertainment, and it might shame the man into doing something if he saw it written out.

'Chapter one: So you want to get laid.' The thought made him snort. 'Step one: You're gonna have to tell the woman that you're into her… Joshua is gonna beat me with this book if I actually write it.'

It'd be worth it.