Chapter 2 Courage to Mend Brokenness
"If you are waiting on an apology you are not going to get one." Elizabeth looked at the crowd of people sitting in the pews of the church/Jack Thornton School. "I will however offer an explanation and I hope it mends your brokenness. I am a grieving widow and I deserve to mourn my dearest Jack for however long it takes. The mistakes I made, the bad choices I made were because I was trying to be happy and move on the way I thought everyone expected me to do. However, I realized that so much happened in such a short span of time I never got the chance to grieve Jack's loss. I could not grieve because I was pregnant and my unborn child became the focus of my life. Then he was born and I had to be a good mother–no time for sorrow and sadness. Then of course two years had gone by and two suitors stepped up. Of course I felt something but I was not ready to be with anyone. But everyone wanted me to be happy to fall in love again. I wanted it too but my heart was not ready. I tried to do what was expected to just move on but I felt like I had fallen down a rabbit hole and there was no way out." Elizabeth turned poignant eyes towards Lucas and spoke from her heart. "You allowed me to pretend with you. You made dating you easy because we said they weren't really dates. I could spend time with you without it being real. And all your grand gestures to sweep me off my feet swept us both up into a fantasy world where neither of us had to deal with the difficulties of a real relationship. I loved being in that hot air balloon that took me miles away from all of my sorrows and sadness. I am happy for you now though. You get to be a real hero as the new Governor. Thank you for being my knight in shining armor for a while though. I won't say I am sorry but I hope that your heart forgives and heals just the same." Turning to Nathan her eyes aglow with unshed tears she continued unapologetically. "What you offered was way too real. You didn't want to go on not a date–dates. You wanted to have intimate and meaningful conversations and a real connection. I felt so much that I wasn't ready to feel when I was with you. It hurt because with you I could fall in love for real no pretense and that was frightening. I had to make it stop so I pretended to see Jack in you which made my lie the truth. I didn't do it on purpose but my heart needed a justification for why you could make me feel things that I only wanted to feel for Jack. Nathan I hope that you know that you deserve to be loved and you are capable of loving deeply." Wiping away her tears she set her eyes upon the congregation again. "We should all learn to be better at allowing grief to do what it's supposed to do, which is to heal our hearts and strengthen us. So I don't apologize for my grief but I am sorry for the damage I caused because I did not have the courage to grieve.