When I woke up in the spare room of the Ateara's home, I was reminded that the previous day wasn't all just in my head. Who would've thought? It was getting harder and harder to distinguish what was even real anymore. The extreme exhaustion had drug me into one of the deepest periods of sleep I've had in a long time. It was much, much needed. And I had no nightmares, surprisingly.

Sunlight highlighted the stuffy room that was filled to the ceiling with boxes. Dust shimmered down slowly throughout the air, which explained my sudden sneezing. The digital alarm clock on the wooden nightstand read 2:07 pm. Great.

I rose out of the rickety futon, cringing at the ruckus, hoping not to be a disturbance. But once I stood up, I backed into a cluttered tower of belongings, which toppled over with a loud crash.

Heat washed over me, and I wanted to crawl out of the tiny window out of embarrassment.

Boxes of photos and documents splayed open onto the floor. A cracked tackle box full of lures, hooks, and bobbers landed on its side. I knelt down to quickly gather everything to put back in its proper place.

Much of the documentation seemed private, so I averted my eyes to the photos instead, which were mostly of young Quil and Joy. There were also many of a man on his boat, which I thought to be a younger Old Quil, but the photos were too new.

"Uh, Bella, you okay in there? Can I come in?" Quil called out from behind the door.

I hesitated, fumbling with the photos that were difficult to peel off the wooden floor.

"Yes, I'm fine!" I called out.

The door creaked open, and Quil slipped into the tight room. I'd clearly woken him as he seemed groggy and was sporting a thin robe paired with flannel pajama pants. His curly hair was more matted and unkempt than usual, a clear case of bedhead.

"Lemme help." He crouched beside me, gathering the papers and photos much faster than I did.

"I'm so sorry. I should have been more careful."

"You're fine. It's sort of a hoarding situation in here," he said with a half-hearted smile.

We arranged everything back into a disheveled pile, and I put my hands behind my back to not knock over anything else.

"I just got up, too. You hungry?" Quil asked, leading the way out of the room.

"Not really; I could eat at home. I should probably get going now anyway." My growling stomach disagreed.

"Oh c'mon, my mom probably left us some stuff."

Quil waltzed into the snug yellow kitchen while I shyly limped behind him. The house was seemingly empty. Joy must have been at work, and Old Quil still hadn't returned from last night. But nobody thought anything of it, so I supposed that was normal for him.

I didn't want to take up more space in their home, and I certainly didn't want to eat more of their food. Regardless, I was immensely grateful for Quil and Joy.

Quil hovered by the counter, reading a small blue post-it note. Plates of diced fruits, waffles, sausage, and bacon with plastic wrap over them were set atop the kitchen table.

We gathered food onto the set plates and sat across from each other.

"How's it feel this morning to walk? Might be a little more tender, yeah?" Quil asked, popping a piece of bacon in his mouth.

"Yes, a bit. Not the worst thing in the world; I've endured worse."

"Just keep the cuts clean and bandages changed; you'll be A-OK."

"Thanks. And thanks for letting me stay, really," I said, picking at my food awkwardly.

"You had to sleep in that dingy little closet after a hellish day; it's hardly anything to thank us for. But I should probably thank you for keeping my mom company. Ya know, she always wanted a daughter, too, I think. You two seemed to get on great."

I grinned. "Joy's great. I totally wouldn't mind having her for a mom."

"Also," Quil muttered. "Jake would've probably killed me if I didn't offer refuge."

I nodded, reaching for the syrup.

"We still couldn't find him," he said, looking down. "But we're more hopeful now. We picked up on his trail but kept losing it. So he must have just fled town in human form at some point. And once he phases again, hopefully, we'll hear him and show him that you, uh, you know."

Dread weaved through my chest.

"Sorry. Everything is heavy right now, but I'm sure you want to stay updated on the sitch."

"Yes, I do," I said, chewing. "When do you go back?"

"Later. I got in at 7 am. Didn't get the best sleep as you could imagine."

"I'm really sorry for waking you, I-"

"You didn't. You know, you really gotta quit apologizing for every single thing."

I hid my blush with the curtain of my hair. "So I've been told."

There was a long pause until he whispered, "I couldn't sleep because of Jake."

I hadn't been able to fully process the idea of Jacob being hurt or worse. Too much was weighing on me that that couldn't have been an option.

"You're still afraid. Even though you picked up on his trails?" I choked out. The pack always had their emotions in check or completely shut off, so this caught me off guard.

Quil gathered a second plate of food and stared off into space.

"He's a brother to me. My best friend." He sighed, wrapping his bacon and fruit in the waffles, dousing the creation in hot sauce and maple syrup. "He's a pain in the ass, and I'd never thought I'd miss hearing his whining in my head. But we were all begging to hear it last night."

I was to blame here. I also couldn't help but feel that Quil blamed me, that the whole pack did. If I had not-

No. I could not allow my mind to go to an even darker place than it already was dwelling in.

I looked deep into Quil's dark, bloodshot eyes. "He will come back."

He went back to eating.

I held my breath and let it all spill out once I exhaled.

"Look, Quil, I know how much I've hurt him. The pain I've caused him haunts me. I try to block it out, honestly. Which is a privilege that I know you and the pack never had. I know this is my fault, but I don't blame him for running. I really don't." I paused momentarily, waiting for him to respond, but he didn't. "Yesterday, he said he'd do it. Forget his human form and live as a wolf. He'll phase again soon; I think he prefers it. And you'll hear him."

"Still doesn't explain why we didn't hear him. And why wouldn't he say goodbye to any of us? It's just so… I don't know, off."

The ringing of the phone on the wall blared in the quiet kitchen, causing us both to jump. Quil swiftly got up to answer it.

"Hello?"

I watched his face drop instantly.

"What does it matter?"

I stood up from my seat and gathered our empty plates and utensils to put in the sink, trying to hear the other voice on the line to no avail.

"I'm not telling her what she "must do." She can make her own decisions, I'm pretty sure." Quil looked at me, rolling his eyes.

"What is it?" I mouthed.

"She's fine here. We both know it; you're just-No. I'll be coming with her to get it. Just leave the key; it's best you don't show- GOD! Hold on, hold on."

He held the phone away from his seething face.

"What is it?" I repeated loudly.

"Leech is bringing your car to the treaty line. Do you want him there or not?"

I took a step, but my knees buckled.

"Oh."

I didn't want to have to face Edward just yet. I don't think I could handle seeing his face, the disappointment in it, the heartache. I could only wonder what his night consisted of—pacing around, waiting for me to wake, sick with worry.

I shamefully shook my head no.

Quil nodded and pulled the phone to his face again.

"Yeah, no. Just leave the car. What?! Well, she stayed here for a reason, so one would assume, ugh, hold on."

He looked at me again impatiently.

"When you go home, do you want him to come there?"

I cleared my throat and looked down at my bandaged feet. Seeing him would only cloud my mind even more.

I ran for a reason.

"No," I said sternly. "Tell him I need time. Alone. I don't want to see him."

I knew Edward had heard me, and I was glad he had. He needed to know I was serious. A rush of euphoria flooded me; it felt good to stand my ground.

"She says no. She doesn't want to see you." I winced. It was different hearing Quil say it to him. It made it more real.

"Fine. Yeah," Quil said, his shaky hand putting the phone back onto the cradle. "I'm not even going to question how he has my home phone number. Fucking creep." He cringed.

"Stuff like that is easy for them to get," I said.

"You must have zero privacy then," Quil said through his teeth. "He doesn't trust us with you. Kinda hilarious if you ask me."

"He's just…unnecessarily protective."

"Sure, if that's what you wanna call it." He headed through the kitchen archway. "I'm gonna get changed," he called out.

I looked down at the oversized hoodie and sweats Joy lent me and was reminded of the fact that the only thing of mine to wear was my soiled wedding dress. A shudder ripped through my body. I don't even think I could look at it ever again.

When Quil came back downstairs in a new change of clothes, I crept into the kitchen archway, my nails digging into the top of my forearm.

"I, um, don't have anything to change into."

Quil looked at me, pity on his face, no doubt. "Oh, shit, right. I guess just wear that then, and I'll get it back to my mom at some point. Are you, um, taking that dress?"

"I'll come by myself to drop off Joy's clothes and get it then."

He nodded. "Alright. Here. Wear these too," he said, pointing to a pair of small tan moccasins. They were fur-lined with a thin beaded butterfly on the vamp. "Should be comfortable on your feet." I pulled them on, and we headed out the door.

Seeing the empty Mercedes idling on the treaty line let my nerves settle. Edward was nowhere to be seen. Surely, he was watching from afar to make sure I retrieved it. I avoided looking out beyond the trees.

Quil's mouth dropped open. "This is your car? What happened to the Chevy?!"

He jogged over to it for a closer inspection. "What even is this thing?"

I shook my head as I hobbled over to the passenger door.

A car like this looked so entirely out of place in La Push and in all of Forks, really. It was sleek and entirely too flashy. And the last choice for a car for myself.

We climbed in, Quil in awe at the pristine interior.

"This is really yours?"

I nodded.

"Where's the Chevy?" he repeated.

"I.. don't know."

He slowly drove the short distance to the front of his home, clearly not used to driving such a car.

"You don't know? What?"

I sighed.

"It's on Charlie's lawn. It's supposedly dead, but I honestly doubt that. I miss it; I hate this thing."

"They could afford to spend god knows what on this but couldn't get the Chevy fixed. That's some buuuuull. So you didn't pick this out?"

I snorted. "Gosh. No, Quil. It's ridiculous."

"Just a little bit. I didn't want to say anything, but it's pretty hideous," he howled in laughter.

I cleared my throat. "I think he actually broke the truck on purpose. For my safety. He didn't trust me driving it anymore."

"Are you for real?"

"I think."

"That's just…well, on brand. He doesn't seem to trust anything other than vampires to be around you. The irony." He snorted. "Surprised he trusted you with a car and didn't get a plastic bubble."

"Might be next on the list."

"Well, luckily, you don't have to deal with it anymore. You did the right thing. Fuck them. Sell the car. Not like money means anything to them."

"Money doesn't mean anything to me either. I don't want their money. Or their cars."

Quil parked, and I slid out, glancing in all directions, hoping no one was around to see. I made my way towards the Ateara house.

"You're not driving back home? Sorry, I wouldn't have made you walk at all if I had known you were coming back to my place. I could also drive you if you need." Quil said, holding the door open.

"Oh, yeah, no, I should. You have to sleep," I stammered, limping back to him.

"Hey, hey," Quil said, crossing over to me. "We can hang till I head back out. They can't bother you here."

Normally, I would defend them. I'd tell Quil they wouldn't be bothering me, only checking in on me. I only needed space from them, especially Edward. But truthfully, I didn't have it in me.

———

Quil gave me a more in-depth tour of his home while filling me in on some recent petty dramas amongst the pack. Paul had imprinted on Jacob's sister Rachel, and he'd been driving them all crazy with his desperate inner monologue. She had no desire for him, and in his attempts, he only pushed her away. Also, the Emily, Sam, Leah mess was going strong. He updated me on everyone else besides Jacob and Embry. I'd noticed he excluded them from every conversation. It made sense for Jacob not to be a topic of discussion, but Embry?

I listened to his stories until I got distracted by what I saw stacked on his dresser.

"You read?!" I exclaimed, reading the titles of the collection of leather-bound books on display.

"No, I'm an illiterate, uncultured swine. Duh!"

I giggled. "Stop, you know I didn't mean that. I'm just saying you're, like, an actual reader. Some of these are rare. I guess I never had a friend from this century who really enjoys reading. And I didn't expect it."

Quil got up from his bed and came over to me.

"This one is my prized possession," he said, tapping a green leather spine that read "HOBBIT." He caught my curiosity, pulled the book out, and put it in my hands.

A red and gold dragon was etched into the cover on the green leather, wrapping around to the back. The back had gold elvish runes at the top. I realized it wasn't even in English when I flipped through the book.

"Holy crow! Is this a first edition or something?" I fanned out the beautiful aged pages in awe.

"Yep, yep. First edition in Polish. I can't understand any of it, but it's just cool as hell. I've got a few copies of the English edition, too. All different covers. See?" He pointed to the other copies stacked behind it.

Next to those editions was a framed photo of two young boys dressed up.

"Is that you and… Embry?" I asked, squinting at the photo.

"Oh, yeah."

"What were you two dressed up as? Was this for Halloween?"

"No, we were dressed as hobbits to see Two Towers when it came out. We were little nerds back then. Clearly." He smiled, but it fell fast.

"Now that's just adorable."

"Yeah, his mom, Tiffany, made the costumes. I figure the best spot for that photo would be next to the books, ya know," he averted his eyes to the window.

"You guys always seemed so close. Kind of like a package deal."

"Yeah. Kind of."

It was apparent I'd entered some tender territory. It was probably best not to pry.

Quil and I gushed over books until I realized it was best to let him sleep. I also knew I needed to get back to my own home.

He offered to drive me home so I didn't have to put pressure on my feet, but I insisted that I was fully capable. Pushing my foot on the pedal wasn't pleasant, but it seemed to be getting easier to ignore. The rain started falling heavily on the drive home, and I felt more unsafe in the new car than my Chevy. The Chevy had grit, maybe not speed, but it was sturdy. I supposed I'd have to get used to it.

When I parked, I stepped onto the slicked road and hurried to the front door of Charlie's, not wanting to ruin Joy's moccasins. Before I had even knocked on the door, it opened.

"Oh, Bells. Get in, get in," Charlie said, pulling me through the door.

"Dad, I-"

He pulled me into a big hug before I could even get any words out. I couldn't bring my arms to wrap around him; they stayed limp by my sides. I felt the tears start to well up in my eyes already.

We stayed like this for a while, listening to the rain beating off the windows. Then, he broke the silence.

"It's all okay, I promise. This'll pass, it will, okay?" His hug tightened, and my tears spilled onto his uniform.

I shrugged my way out of his grip.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, fighting the fit of hysteria that brewed beneath my composure. "I really, really cannot talk about it right now, Dad. Any of it."

"You can't keep it all inside. I know you're like your old man with this kind of stuff, but I know how things catch up to you. If you don't talk about it-"

"I cannot bear to talk about it right now. I'm feeling better and calmer; I just can't get into it."

The desperate panic danced under my skin, and I knew it was only a matter of time before it needed to escape. But I couldn't let it now, not again.

His face twisted in pain as he released me and nodded.

"I'm here. Always. Whenever you want or need. You can tell me anything, even if you think you shouldn't. I've seen a lot of shit, Bells, I'm no fool. If the bastard did anything to you, I swear I'll do anything in my power-"

"Please. I need to be alone right now. In my own bed. It's all I ask," I backed away from him, catching the stray tears that escaped with the sweatshirt sleeve.

He exhaled in defeat. "Okay. I left dinner for you in the microwave. Just know that I'm here." He kissed the top of my head and hugged me one last time before I slunk up the stairs.

I heavily relied on the banister to pull me up the stairs, hoping Charlie wouldn't notice. Once he was out of sight, I hopped on one foot to my bedroom and shut the door behind me.

Immediately, I threw off Joy's loose clothes and searched my drawer for my favorite, familiar flannel pajamas. They were nowhere to be found, so I settled for one of Jake's oversized t-shirts instead. I groaned as I crawled into bed, eager for sleep to take me. And I was grateful when it did.

—--

The following day was peaceful and mundane. It was exactly what I needed. Just one day where nothing happened and where no one bothered me. Where I could think alone and sort things through in my mind.

The nightmares ravished my mind all through the night, and they caused me to wake up screaming. This time, it was The Volturi who haunted my dreams. Aro knocked on the door and informed me I'd just invited death to my door by postponing my transformation. He proceeded to make me watch him torture Charlie alive, make him beg for mercy. I had to slap my head to banish the brutal scenes from my thoughts.

To compensate for my cold shoulder from last night and my guilt after the horrific dream, I made Charlie a hearty breakfast before he left for work. And when he did leave, I breathed a sigh of genuine relief when I had the house entirely to myself. Alone time was something I always cherished, and God, it's been a long time since I've had it.

It felt amazing, honestly. I got dressed and caught up on some television while I cleaned the living room, took an Epsom bath, and allowed my aching feet to heal; I listened to music, did laundry, and cooked and prepared for dinner.

Little things that drew me back to my humanity, little things that I've forgotten the joy of, little things that calmed me down.

As my peaceful little day drifted into nighttime, I still felt the gnawing of my thoughts. The questions. The dread.

I knew I would soon have to face it all: Edward, the Cullens, Jacob's disappearance, the Volturi.

I didn't know the answers, and I had to be okay with that right now. All I could do was be true to myself, to my body, and go back to the basics before I tread right back into the heavy, the life or death.

At dinner, Charlie tried to get me to talk again, which I respectfully shut down again. I fled back to my room to end the day, organizing my books and putting away the laundry I'd done with Slowdive's "Souvlaki" spinning in my CD player.

Pulling off my clothes, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I guess I hadn't realized how much weight I had lost until Alice mentioned it, but she was right. I could see my ribs prodding out through my skin, my belly was sunken in, and my face looked too angular. I inched closer to the mirror and really.. looked.

The brown eyes that stared back at me looked rather strange. Distant. Unfamiliar. I hadn't looked into them in a very long time. Though they looked lost, they were still mine. Pretty, even, in the warm-toned lighting of my bedroom. I hadn't looked at my face or cared if it was mine. I figured it didn't matter how I looked anymore since turning would fix all the mistakes. But really, was I as distasteful and plain as I'd always thought? Looking at myself with no comparisons in mind, I didn't think so. I just looked a bit unhealthy, which was something I could change. Humans fluctuate.

What if I got sick of looking at my vampire face? Was ravishing, otherworldly beauty the end all, be all in this life? Did it even make them happy? It seemed that oftentimes, they had more fun playing dress up with me than themselves. I couldn't imagine looking at an unchanged face for thousands of years.

I further inspected my body; I even found myself posing and swaying a bit to the music. It felt natural to do so.

This body had been through so much with me, and in some weird way, it was beautiful. Not vampire beautiful, but a different kind. Something I hadn't ever truly realized before. Not when I was like this, bare and not done up. Any time I thought I looked somewhat decent was when I was dressed up. But right now, I saw beauty in the curve of my body and how it wanted to move me. I saw it in the color of my cheeks and the plumpness of my lips.

When a cold draft spilled through the window, I pulled over Jake's oversized shirt and saw how I swam in it as I danced to the dreamlike music and palpitating echo of the rain that filled my little room.

Sweet thing, I watch you

Burn so fast, it scares me

Mind games, don't leave me

Come so far, don't lose me

It matters where you are

I closed my eyes as the ethereal music took me. The build-up to the chorus burst through my chest; its warmth dripped down into my stomach. Heavenly vocals swirled seamlessly with the distorted guitars.

I felt alive.

This time, when I closed my eyes, I did not see visions of blood and death and horror. What I saw instead took me by complete surprise.

As the sun hits, she'll be waiting

With her cool things and her heaven

Hey, hey lover, you're still burning

You're his song, yeah (hey, hey)

Bright sun rays blurred my vision. Despite the actual frigid temperature in my room, I could feel the air from what I saw in my mind. It felt familiar and dry. Warm. When the sun moved, I could see the long road through Arizona's valley of red rocks. Everywhere I looked, there were towering cliffs of red sandstone, their vibrant colors glowing in the heat waves. The sky above was a deep blue, dotted with fluffy white clouds that seemed to stretch on forever.

Sweet thing, I watch you

Burn so fast, it scares me

The silence of the desert was broken only by the gentle hum of my car engine and the low purr of music on the radio.

Snaking through the valley ahead of me, I felt free. I was exactly where I was meant to be at that moment.

As I drove further along the road, the scenery around me continued to shift and change, the colors and shapes of the rocks transforming endlessly. Each new vista was more breathtaking than the last. I also wasn't alone.

As the sun descended below the horizon, casting the valley in a warm orange glow, I felt a large hand wrap gently around mine.

My earthbound sun.

Sweet thing I watch you (burn away)

Sweet thing I watch you (burn away)

Sweet thing I watch you (burn away)

I stumbled backward onto my bed, opening my eyes to look up at the ceiling.

I didn't only say it to Quil to make both of us feel better, he will come back.

I needed him to.

But he needed space. And what he needed was more important right now. He needed space as much as I, even more, I'd say. Once he phases back again from wherever he is, he'll hear the pack, and they will tell him that I ran. So he won't have to worry about me changing. Right now, anyway. And I'll see him again.

I had that hope because I knew Jake better than anyone. I knew he was out there, and I knew he would be back in a few days. I just wished it would happen as soon as possible.

There was no other option.

And when I heard my window screech open, I questioned if my wish had come true.