Severus, clad in a crumpled Slytherin robe, felt extremely strange as he roamed the corridors of Hogwarts. However, he was trying his best not to let it show in his face. His gaze was indifferent, his skin as pallid as a corpse, and his face devoid of any expression. He was walking as if gliding. His wand was ready in one hand, and his hair danced and leaped around his pale face. Without all this motion, he could easily pass for a dead person or someone kissed by a Dementor's soul-sucking kiss. His expression was that unreadable. However, everyone was mistaken; Severus's mind was filled with thousand of thoughts, and even the wisest person couldn't guess what he was thinking.

The past was literally laid out before him! Do what you want, change what you desire, pick your path! Anything you want! And he knew which path he would take. He was secretly excited! He was strong now. True, the old Severus Snape was strong and clever during his school years, but not enough to stand against four people attacking him. That's why Severus used to set traps in secret and make detailed plans to trip up the Marauders. Some of them worked, to the point that when Sirius Black realized he had fallen into another one of Severus's tricks (that trick was one of the rare sweet memories from Severus's past), he sent Snape to Shrieking Shack as if he didn't deserve it at all.

Severus had actually considered that Remus Lupin might be a werewolf. But due to a misjudgment of not knowing Dumbledore well enough, he had thought that a school headmaster would never admit such a dangerous creature into the school. Moreover, when Black showed him how to access the Whomping Willow, both the curiosity that enveloped him and the self-assurance he gave himself with "Even if Lupin is indeed a werewolf, the Potters would never direct me there. Besides, I have my wand, and I can protect myself" had driven him into the Shrieking Shack in a rush. He had managed to get out with a swiftness he still couldn't comprehend. The more he thought about it, the angrier he got! He could protect himself! He didn't need Potter. Moreover, Potter had acted as if he (meaning Marauders) hadn't sent him (Severus) there himself, and had portrayed himself as a hero who had not only saved Snape from a certain demise but also spread the story all over the school. Even Lily had believed it, perhaps starting to be affected by Potter's charm back then. Because of a magical agreement made by Dumbledore not to reveal Lupin's identity, Snape hadn't been able to explain the situation to anyone. Even if he had explained, who would have listened to him anyway? Heroic Potter had saved Snape's life. He was amazed, considering he had so many reasons to kill Potter back then, why hadn't he done it?

He closed his eyes to cool down and then opened them again. He relaxed his nerves, restrained his anger, and shut his mind. Yes, as always, in control, be in control! His skills were intact. A surge of great joy welled up within him. Not just four people, but even fourteen people could come to fight him now. Severus had improved significantly, become much more powerful; they would all look to his skills with awe. He wasn't about to lose to foolish children at the age of 17! He knew many things, most of which hadn't even been invented yet. He grinned to himself, he could have brag even like he had invented them all. Who could possibly object? The future inventors of these spells hadn't even begun to think about them at this time.

For instance, the Wolfsbane Potion; he could use it to enslave Lupin. No one else knew about this potion yet. Of course, Dumbledore was aware of it, but Severus didn't think Albus had memorized the potion like he had. Potions weren't exactly Albus's field of interest. Then there was Veritaserum. And then, with a sense of pride, the ability to fly. Voldemort's special enchantment! He had recently perfected it and only taught it to him and Bellatrix. But it was 1977! No one else knew this spell. James Potter, who showed off on his broomstick, would be truly astonished to see him flying through the skies without a broom! Then came the other pieces of information he knew: Pettigrew's betrayal! (His face contorted with anger, then returned to its usual expressionless state) The knowledge that the Marauders were animagi! Dumbledore knew this now too, but the Marauders didn't know that he knew. Snape could threaten them! (He clenched his fists with renewed pleasure) The dozens of things that the Dark Lord didn't know, the information Dumbledore said he wanted to share to make Voldemort vulnerable! Such joys...

It was all so exciting, all of it. Nevertheless, there was a small sadness inside him. Years and the coldness that came with those years had created distance between him and Lily. Yet Severus had missed Lily so much. Her beautiful eyes, her hair, her scent, her talk, her laughter. But Lily was happy without him, even happier. She was always surrounded by her giggling girl friends; she didn't need another friend. Potter, that damned Potter, had been after her for seven years. She didn't need a lover either. She had a family, money, fame, magical powers, beauty, intelligence – everything. She wasn't as lonely and friendless as Severus, who had nothing but his sharp intellect, which did him more harm than good. Well, not anymore. He was powerful now. He knew everything he needed to know and he would do whatever it took to win Lily over. But if he failed, if Lily rejected him and went back to Potter, he also knew what he would do. He had made his decision, even if he didn't tell Dumbledore.

"I will help you destroy the Dark Lord." he had said to the Headmaster in the infirmary. "I will repay my debt, and then I will leave. And you will not stop me."

But it was a lie. Severus wasn't going to leave. Once he had secured Lily's life, if she still didn't want him, if she still had married Potter, and if they were happy together, he wouldn't just stand there watching them. He wouldn't torment himself from afar, he had suffered enough. In a place where no one could find him, he would put an end to his life. The best, the least painful option... He would attain eternity. His body would never be found. No one would know he had taken his own life. No one would know how weak he was. No one would discover his endless love for Lily. His only vulnerability, his deepest wound... In truth, Severus was a wounded man, but Lily was the deepest of his wounds, bleeding neverendingly. The girl he hoped would be his cure, the one to heal his unhappiness and loneliness, had become his greatest curse, torturing him for years. When he lifted his head, he realized he had already arrived at the entrance to the Slytherin common room. What was the password again?

"Blueberry Poison"

He turned back to see who said the password. Florist and a group of giggling girls were passing through the portrait, throwing suggestive glances and laughing at Snape. Severus turned bright red with embarrassment when he understood that Florist had told the details of his bathroom adventure.

"If you're going to pass, go ahead, I can't keep open forever, right?!"

Snape pursed his lips to avoid giving a snarky reply to the portrait and entered the common room. Many of his old friends were there. Some of them should have been dead, some were probably in Azkaban, and others like Severus, years had taken their toll on them in the future. Right now, they all stood there, looking as though they knew everything, even though they were oblivious to nothing.

"We were worried about you!" said Wilkes.

"But after a little thought, we understood your intention," Rosier continued.

"I wasn't in the bathroom at the time, unfortunately," Regulus added with a hint of sorrow.

"Still, what we heard was more than enough for us," said a gossip girl who stood right next to Florist (her name was Norman, but everyone was calling her 'Kooky').

"What did you hear, Kooky?" Snape asked with a threatening tone. He was in no mood for jokes.

"Emma told us," said Kooky. (Emma was Florist's first name.)

"And?" Severus prompted. His tone left no room for concessions. Norman stuttered and then shut up.

"Why are you so uptight?" asked Mulciber, who had not spoken until that moment.

Severus chuckled mockingly, "I'm not uptight. Just asking, what was my intention I wonder?"

"Well," Mulciber grinned, carefully examining Severus's face to see his reaction, "we think you've decided it's time to put your ding dong on the table. And to emphasize it, you've done everything mate! Those faintings, those absurd 'what year are we in?' questions, were probably meant to show it off to us!" He smiled triumphantly. Although Severus maintained an impassive expression, he could not help but become red.

"Don't worry," Rosier patted his shoulder, "Florist looked and approved. She says, 'it'll do the job.'"

Florist, Kooky, and the other girls burst into fits of giggles. A couple of them even lost their balance and rolled on the floor. Snape scowled, but he wasn't going to back down.

"Well, fine then," he said, "I'll be expecting the ladies one by one tomorrow."

Without saying another word, he headed towards the common room. He knew there was a slight shock among the crowd behind him. Severus was always quick with comebacks, but he was embarrassed and silent on this kind of matters. Now, the straightforwardness and shamefulness of his response had momentarily stunned his fellow (former fellow) friends.

Before slamming the door behind him, he heard his friends' rising laughter coming from the hallway, apparently their shock was ended. He made his way to his bed with a wicked grin on his face. At first, he was slightly disoriented, but forgetting the location of his old bed was impossible. His belongings were stacked right next to it. He went to the side of the bed, and the zipper of his bag opened with a familiar agony. From it, he pulled out a crumpled and abnormally large pajama that had once belonged to his father. He put it on. He got into bed, started staring at the ceiling, and began to think with a calm mind.

He was lucky that it was the weekend. Otherwise, he would have had to attend classes with this mental confusion. But he needed sleep. Despite it being noon, he was almost sure that if he slept now, he wouldn't open his eyes until tomorrow morning. He wasn't hungry, and he felt as if he would never be hungry again.

He raised his wand and killed the fly that was buzzing around the ceiling, darting back and forth, cruelly blocking the path of his thoughts. A green light hit the fly right in its eye, causing it to fall dead to the ground. He must be going insane. Using the Avada Kedavra curse on a stupid fly! Damn it! If he the curse missed the fly, it would undoubtedly rebound from the ceiling and there was no magic to stop Avada Kedavra, only to get out of its way. And Snape didn't think he would even move a single muscle. Great! He had come back in time to "fix everything," and still, had no reason to will to live. He had no fears. Lily was alive and well, and given that he would never make the same foolish mistakes again, she would live, and wouldn't die. She was now under a stronger protection, by both himself and Dumbledore. There was no need to worry about her. Right now, he was worried about himself and his unchanging fate.

Merlin! He had never been happy in his life, ever! Not even once. Okay, he knew he was unpleasant, ugly, evil-hearted, and a miserable wretch. But didn't he have the right to be happy even for a single moment? Even in his most innocent years, in his childhood, he was unhappy. Back then, he used to think that when he grew up, everything would be alright, and he would be happy. Now, he was thinking, "If I could go back to the old days and find happiness." He had spent his life chasing a bit of happiness and a bit of affection. A full 36 years! And he couldn't get a piece of love or affection, not a single piece! Maybe he didn't belong in this world. He wasn't wanted here.

He turned his head to the other side, his eyes starting to burn intensely from his thoughts, but he didn't cry. There were other beautiful things to think about. For instance, Lily was alive. The first and most beautiful reason to be happy. "But she doesn't love you."

Moreover, according to what Dumbledore said, they were still at the beginning of the school year. So Lily hadn't accepted James Potter's proposal yet. "But she's getting closer to him, isn't she?" He silenced the foolish little voice inside him and continued to count on the reasons to be happy.

His path was clear, his goal was clear. He would protect Lily herself, not Lily's stupid son. "And of course, Potter, her future husband." YOU WERE TOLD TO SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

He didn't need to suffer from that terrible guilt. No one had died because of him, him being Death Eater was still quite fresh. "Voldemort will expect service from you. You pledged loyalty to him!"

Besides, Lily hadn't seen the mark on his arm. They were still in a time before Snape showed her the mark. He still had a chance, maybe. "Maybe?"

Lily wasn't in love with him, of course, he knew that. But if he told her that he had given up being a Death Eater, maybe they could be friends again. Maybe, for her sake (at least so he wouldn't turn back to the dark side) she would cut ties with Potter. Maybe? Why not? "Would she give up James Potter for you, Severus? Really?"

In the past, when they were still friends, she hated Potter. She didn't like him a bit because he was Severus's enemy. In fact, until their fifth year, Lily had never defended Potter against him. However, in their fifth year, when the news spread like wildfire throughout the school that Potter had saved Severus, albeit unfairly and with great injustice, Lily started to notice and admired him. But she still didn't approach Potter. Then - then - then they fought and broke up. They had been frequently quarreling recently anyway because of his friends. But their increasingly strained bond was irreparably severed when he called her a "Mudblood." After that, Lily had given up hope on him. Severus had clung even tighter to the "future Death Eaters." And Lily had started to pay more attention to Potter. In their seventh year, she had concluded that the boy who had been chasing her for so many years truly loved her and deserved her love. She had never learned about Severus's devotion to her. Lily had believed that he could never love anyone.

"But I loved you!" Severus exclaimed into the void. Then he fell into a deep sleep and did not wake up until the next morning.