This Beastly Salvation

Chapter One

Author's Note: Hello! I'm returning to writing fanfic after ten years away! This fic came to me in one hour after a random conversation with a friend and I have not been able to stop thinking about it since. It will be a slow burn, and there will be a lot of darkness and adult content along the way. I suspect it will get very juicy. I'm hoping to update every other week at least for the foreseeable future. For today, let's begin with some heartache.

I'd like to make it abundantly clear that I do not support J.K. Rowling or any of her views. I continue to enjoy Harry Potter because I think it's been our world far longer than her's, at this point, and because there is no greater snub to her than to hold tighter to Hogwarts and make it our own gay, trans, BIPOC haven. Fuck J.K. Rowling, and fuck anyone who doesn't engage with her work critically. :)

"Come on! You can do better than that!"

Remus awoke with a start, lurching upright, panic coursing through his veins like acid. His eyes flashed around the room, desperately seeking out his friend, who had been standing so precariously close to the Veil only moments before—but Sirius was nowhere to be found. Remus Lupin was, of course, no longer in the Department of Mysteries. He was in a drab, grey room. Alone. The terror and desperation warping his face melted away, replaced with the empty stare of a man exhausted by grief.

Remus fell back onto the sheets, grimacing at the cold damp that greeted him. All of him was a sweaty mess; shaggy grey-brown hair pasted to his forehead, legs wound up in the clinging, wet bedding. He tried his best to brush his hair off of his face and kick his legs out from under the blankets, but his freedom was evidently more difficult to gain than he'd expected. He swore under his breath, hissing through his teeth as he kicked and pulled furiously at the blankets. By the time the outburst was over, the wizard was left naked and embarrassed on the mattress.

He laid there for a moment, arms flung out at his sides, staring up at the peeling ceiling. There was a creak outside of his door, followed by an unpleasant mumbling. Remus's eyes, cast a deep forest green in the dim light peeking its way through the aging drapes, flashed for a moment—but his anger was gone just as quickly as it had arrived. The wizard chose to groan rather than yelling at the house-elf outside, pulling his forearm above his head and burying his eyes in the crook of his elbow.

Remus remained that way for some time, even after Kreacher's grumblings had faded away down the corridor. His breathing slowed, became deeper, and his eyes had just begun to slip shut again when there was a great fumbling of footsteps and thunderous voices outside. "In Merlin's name…" Remus hissed again, rolling over onto his side and pulling himself upright.

"You up, Lupin?" The voice used his last name; one of his former students. Remus gritted his teeth, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees before burying his face in his hands.

"Oi? Lupin?" another voice, almost identical. The Weasley twins.

"If I wasn't awake before, gentlemen, I am now," the former professor responded in his rumbling, if muffled, baritone. The boys sniggered.

"Mum's summoned us back for lunch. Figured you might benefit from nosh too, eh?" the first speaker chimed in. Lupin could almost see them stacked on their tippy-toes as they peered around the doorframe, hands shoved into their pockets, lopsided grins pasted across their freckled faces. He sighed, rubbing his eyes and straightening up.

"Thank you, boys," Lupin replied. "I'll be down shortly."

The boys, seemingly satisfied with his response, thundered away down the corridor, toward the stairs.

Lupin groaned as he stood up, catching himself on the rickety bedside table when one of his legs gave out. He cursed under his breath, habitually bracing himself for the response he should've been getting: Sirius's playful sneer, the teasing that would've sat in his voice if he could see Lupin creaking and cracking like this after nothing more than a simple night's sleep. The memory was enough to make him swoon again, but Remus held himself taut, squeezing his eyes shut until the notion passed.

He took a few wobbling steps toward the wardrobe that sat on the far side of the room, but paused when he caught sight of himself in the mirror. An utter mess. He clenched his jaw again, nostrils flaring. "What to do with this?"

He glanced at the clock on the bedside table, which he'd ignored before. "Molly'll have my head if I stop to shower…" he sighed, clicking his tongue as he finished crossing the room. He dressed with some trepidation, as if he didn't trust all of his movements, pulling on clothing slowly as he encountered each new bruise and fresh cut. In the end, he had chosen a pair of worn brown slacks and a pilled wool cardigan pulled over a white undershirt. Rather than worry about his hair, the wizard quickly conjured a knitted cap from his worn luggage at the other side of the room, rubbing his face vigorously with his free hand before pulling the hat over his head. He still looked a mess, but at least he didn't look a greasy one.

He ambled down to the kitchen and pushed open the door, eyes starting to brighten when the smell of bacon hit his nose.

"Ah, there you are, Remus," Molly Weasley clucked from where she stood by the oven, back to the door, conducting several tasks with her wand. Lupin was confused, at first, until he saw Tonks. She was standing beside the other witch, facing the door, and there could be no doubt that it was her sudden, beaming smile that alerted Mrs. Weasley to his presence.

"Good afternoon, ladies," Remus offered a gentle smile at Tonks, doing his best not to register the flip of excitement his stomach did as he shuffled toward the long-benched table. Fred and George were already sitting down, pouring over the morning's Daily Prophet . "I hope I didn't delay you too much.

"Not at all," Tonks grinned, giving Molly a gentle pat on the shoulder before grabbing a tea serving tray from the countertop and beginning to cross the space between her and the wizard. "We only just finished with the tea."

"Ah, thank you," Remus nodded, gesturing to the tabletop where Tonks could set everything down. She did so quietly, colour rising to her cheeks as he watched her. The Weasley twins made googly eyes at each other, but Lupin didn't seem to have the energy to shut them up.

"I knew it'd be quiet, with everyone gone… but I didn't think it'd be this quiet," Tonks muttered as she put two cubes of sugar into Lupin's tea. She didn't have to ask his preference, anymore, although when Lupin thought back on it, she may have only asked him once. It often seemed as though she knew more about him than he did.

"It's always a bit strange, isn't it?" Molly agreed as she directed multiple plates of breakfast foods over to the table: fried and scrambled eggs, still-sizzling bacon, hash browns and sausages, perfectly buttered toast with all the fixings. Tonks caught the way Remus was eyeing the food and burst out into laughter.

"What?!" he scoffed, looking to the younger witch with wide eyes and an expression of total, genuine bewilderment. This only caused her to laugh harder.

"You look about ready to eat a horse, s'all," she snickered.

Her smile and rosey cheeks were enough to make him forget himself for a moment. In his mind's eye, he saw himself grabbing her around the waist, pulling her down into his lap, burying his face in her neck and assuring her that he'd happily settle for a Metamorphmagus, instead. She seemed to register the look of mischief and desire in his eyes, and her colour deepened, breath caught in her throat. But then the image in his mind flashed to him biting her in jest, drawing blood, and he flinched, turning away and swinging his legs under the table so that he could begin serving himself. Tonks, looking crestfallen, moved down the bench so that they weren't sitting directly beside one another.

"We'd be happy to make three to six times the same amount of noise, mum, if it'd help keep the morale up," Fred chimed in. "And at least eight times the amount of mess."

"The only reason your mouth should be open right now, Fred Weasley, is if you're putting food in it," Molly made a threatening gesture at her sons with her fork, and both twins smirked at each other as they began piling food onto their plates.

"Was the brunch on my account?" Lupin interjected a few moments later, finding the tension between him and Tonks too unbearable to leave to silence.

"Only a bit," Tonks replied. She didn't look at him, but there was a gentle smile on her lips when she said it. A white flag.

"Well, I appreciate it," Lupin replied, gladly accepting the flag and offering his own through a gracious dip of his head at the witch when she passed him the salt before he'd managed to ask for it. "I haven't ah… I haven't been sleeping very much."

The other's faces faltered, but Molly hopped back into the conversation before Lupin had time to regret his words. "It's a miracle how any of us," she looked pointedly at her sons, "do."

"The sleep of the innocent," the boys spoke in unison, each shrugging the opposite shoulder.

"The innocent, indeed!" The declaration was all Molly needed to launch into a frustrated rant, decrying the boys' newest living situation, the fact that she had to summon her own sons to ensure they got at least one well-rounded meal a day…

Tonks cleared her throat, pausing a forkful of food on her way up to her mouth as she watched Lupin spread marmalade over his toast. The wizard paused, casting her a look out of the corner of his eye. "What is it, Tonks?"

She scrunched up her face for a moment before looking off to the Weasleys. "There's a meeting tonight," she finally spoke, "once the others can get away from work."

Lupin clenched his jaw, tightening the grip on his butter knife. "To decide what's next."

"Right," Tonks nodded, putting her food in her mouth and beginning to chew before continuing, one hand haphazardly covering her mouth. "Figured you might wan-to wash up befor-then," she mumbled, waving her fork at him. He blinked at her, feigning insult for a moment, before letting out a small smirk and looking back to his food. Again, the man found a witty reply at the tip of his tongue, one he wanted to utter with the exclusive intention of watching this witch's face light up. But he knew better. He settled for a thank you, instead.

"Shacklebolt's been thinking—"

"Would it be alright if we saved that talk for the meeting?" Lupin cut her off, opening his mouth as if to take another bite of his toast but choosing to turn toward her, instead. Her eyes were wide, waiting for an explanation. "It's not that I don't care about your opinion, it's just the boys and—"

"And you need a break," she replied with a smile that seemed far warmer than he deserved. "That's okay. You deserve one."

Lupin looked for a moment like he wanted to protest, but she bit her lip and gave him the slight shake of a head, and he let out a soft laugh, looking back at his food and giving his head a small shake before continuing his meal. A break. As if he ever got one of those, anymore.

The afternoon passed by in a dreary blur; a hushed conversation with Molly while they cleaned, an awkward refusal of Tonks's offer to talk, a hallway jostle with the boys as they headed back to their work. When he finally managed a shower, he spent an embarrassingly long part of it with his forehead against the tile, letting the hot water run until it was ice cold, and staying for a while longer, until he had gone so numb that he could no longer feel the water hitting his skin at all.

When he was finished dressing, having donned a new pair of trousers and a deep red cable-knit sweater, he looked at the clock. There was still time before the others would start to arrive. Too much time.

As if summoned by his thoughts alone, there was a knock at his door. Remus froze, a shadow of concern passing across his face, a dozen worst-case scenarios flashing through his mind. He lunged for the door too quickly, so that by the time he got there, he had to lean against the frame to steady himself. It was Tonks, of course—only Tonks, her hair newly fiery, vibrant yellow cat's eyes replacing the kind ones she'd had in the kitchen, features sharpened. She had decided not to take his no for an answer. His chest burned.

"There's nothing to talk about, Tonks," Remus spoke before she could, resting his head against the doorframe and leaning into it in his lithe, relaxed way. He should've known, of course, and perhaps did, the effect that his pose would have, tilting his chin down and looking down the length of his crooked nose at the witch, beard freshly oiled, hair recently dried.

"Oh, that's enough," Tonks rolled her eyes, pushing past Remus and making her way into his room, eyes flashing to an icy blue. He raised his brows, reaching a hand up to massage the back of his neck as he spun on his heel to watch her. She stopped her frustrated march into the room to spin around on her heels and look at him.

"Aren't you going to close that?"

"I will not be closing the door, no," Lupin offered her a tired, crooked smile.

"Then I'll close it for you," she snapped, reaching into her pocket and raising her wand to cast it shut.

"You won't be, either," Remus interjected, raising his hand and putting it squarely in the middle of the door's path, "unless you are about to reveal to me your hidden talents for mending broken hands."

Tonks's face contorted with frustration, even as she lowered her wand.

"I seem to remember that you rather enjoy these hands."

The words exited his mouth before he could stop them, and the dread he felt after saying them was almost instantaneous. Tonks turned bright red, blush spreading from her chest to her ears, and the colour of her hair softening to a strawberry blonde. Lupin brought his hand to his face, smothering his features and turning away, shoulders hunching with his anger and regret.

Tonks seized her opportunity, lifting her wand and slamming the door shut before crossing the space in four angry strides and shoving Lupin backwards with all her might. It caused him to lose his balance, caught off-guard as he was, and he stumbled back against the wall, bracing himself at the last minute.

"Tonks, please…"

"Don't do that, Remus," she snarled, placing both of her smaller hands on his chest and continuing to push him. "Don't play with me like that."

"Isn't that what you want?" he spat, turning his face away from hers even as she pressed up against him. He could feel her wand, still in her grasp, digging into his side until his words registered. She faltered, took a step back.

"You don't mean that," she muttered, crossing her arms and looking toward the wardrobe.

"Don't I? Contrary to what you seem to believe, you aren't actually an Occulumens," Remus snarled, straightening himself and tugging his sweater down to its proper length.

"I take it back," Tonks turned her back on the wizard, colouring becoming more of a grey-blue. "I'll take your games if the alternative is this cruelty."

Cruelty . The word cut deeply, and yet it felt like a balm. "Perhaps it would be better that way," Remus sighed, loping over to the window and pulling a curtain. There was nothing outside to see, but it was better than watching her deflated, wounded, staring at the same wardrobe she had tucked some of her belongings into only weeks before.

"More things you don't mean. I don't need to stare into your mind to know that, Lupin. There's no sense lying to either of us."

"Perhaps this is the part where my greatest lie is revealed," Lupin sneered. "Perhaps you've been fooled this entire time."

Tonks was quiet, but her light footsteps belied her approach towards him. And then it was her smell, soft and spiced, as she came up behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist. He almost managed to maintain his cool exterior, but then her forehead was rested against his bicep, and he could feel unheaved sobs rising in his chest. He blinked them away furiously, gritting his jaw.

"I don't understand how you don't see it. Everyone I love—everyone, Tonks—dies. It's purely luck that I haven't been the one to kill them, yet. Or worse, turn them." Remus did turn to her now, eyes narrowed, brows knitted together, face a map of scars and premature lines. "If you stay, you are condemned. It's that simple."

"It's not and you know it," Tonks replied in a pleading voice, reaching her hand up to his chest again, but tugging at his sweater, now, instead of pushing him away. "Sirius left an emptiness that no one else will be able to fill, Remus, and that's just a fact. That hole is a part of you, now, exactly the same way he's always been a part of you. But it doesn't mean that there's not room for anything else."

"If I let anyone else in, they will only leave more holes when they go, and soon enough, there will be nothing left of me to hold it all together," Lupin dismissed her, voice thick with unshed tears.

"That's not true," Tonks shook her head, "there's more of you than any man I've ever known."

Lupin smiled, pulling her close and resting his chin atop her head. "In another life," he breathed, his body beginning to soften against her still warmth, "there would be enough of me left, and I would give all of it to you, without second thought. I would spirit you away, to somewhere no one knows who… or what," he glanced out the window, letting his hand rub habitually against her shoulder, "I am. I would let you convince me that you could be safe with me, and we would be happy."

"And in this life?" Tonks whispered, looking up at him. Her eyes were human again. They were filled with tears.

"In this life," he answered, voice nearly a whisper, "I have to hold myself together. I have to keep whatever's left, so that I can keep going. It's more than us, Tonks. It's everyone. It's Harry—" his voice choked, Sirius's proud face flashing in his mind, "and I can't protect any of them if I lose any more of myself."

Tonks's frame tightened, and Lupin felt her begin to pull away. He tried to hold her close at first, but when she looked up at him again, face broken open with grief, he was overcome with the selfishness of his desire to keep her near. He let go, and she faltered, but kept her composure.

"You're wrong, Remus. Love is what holds us together, not… isolation. Not bitterness and regret." Her voice was like cold steel. Lupin felt himself shiver. "But I cannot be the one to wait and beg you to see that, to stitch yourself back together. You and I both know that I… I deserve more than that."

Lupin's brows turned upward, a heartbroken smile bending his mouth as his shoulders sagged. "You do."

She hesitated, watching him for a moment. They were silent, staring at each other. And then there were a series of loud bangs, accompanied by the low rumble of the other members of the Order shambling into the foyer. Tonks blinked as if being broken from a charm, glancing to the closed bedroom door. She pulled the sleeves of her black turtleneck down and clenched her jaw, turning back to Lupin.

"I love you, Remus Lupin."

"I know," Lupin replied, voice cracking partway through his response.

"And I know you love me," she snapped, lifting her chin.

"I do," Lupin nodded, offering another crooked, resigned smile as he leaned against the window frame.

"Good," Tonks nodded back, snapping her heels together and standing at attention, taking a big huff of air. "Then at least," her brave front shuddered for a moment, tears starting to well up again, "at least we have that."

She turned, not waiting for any further response from her lover, and strode from the room, leaving the door wide open behind her. Lupin watched her walk out, that same empty, exhausted expression returned to his face.

"Filthy, stinking beast," Kreacher's low growl rose up from the hallway. "Disgusting mongrel, ruining this most noble house, defiling our daughters..."

Lupin's nostrils flared, and he straightened up, reaching for his wand on the bedside table and tucking it into his belt loop. "You're not wrong, you know," he sighed as he walked toward the door. The house-elf paused, looking over his shoulder, arms curled up against his chest.

"It dares speak to us," he growled, turning away and beginning his slow tour once more. "As if we could hear and understand its beastly snarls."

Lupin scoffed, shutting his bedroom door behind him and waving his hand to turn the lock as he strode past Kreacher. "They should all be so lucky," he spoke quietly over his shoulder as he walked away, "to see me for what I am."