A/N:

So it's been a really long time since I last posted and I know I shouldn't be posting an entirely new story…I'm sorry?

For those who are still – by some miracle – following my other fics, I'm sorry to say I can't help but cringe at how utterly OOC the characters are and how ridiculous some of the plotlines are. I'm not sure how I will return to them as of yet, or if I ever will be. I feel like I should try, given the interest, but it's also been around 2 years, so I'm not holding out hope that a lot of people are still reading them. Let's see how it goes, okay?

Regardless, I am so, so thankful for each of you readers and especially to those who took the time to write such lovely reviews for me. You are a huge part of the reason I keep coming back, even when I thought I never would. Hope you enjoy this one too.

Story Note:

Please note the following before reading the fic!

- This fic will eventually NOT be canon-compliant.

- Ace will NOT die. (I will never kill him off in my fics.)

- Some characters will be returning earlier than expected.

- Some canon-compliant developments will not happen as fast.

If you're still keen on reading, please proceed :)

Part 1: Those Childhood Years

When Ace was 5, he wished he hadn't been born.

He was the reason his mother had died. He was the reason that the only light in his short life had been hunted down till her last breath in an effort to snuff out whatever had remained of his cursed blood.

He was also the reason that hundreds – or more (he couldn't bear to comprehend the real figures) – of mothers and their unborn children had been viciously and brutally murdered. All in an effort to remove him from this world.

Hundreds – no, thousands – more had mourned their losses.

The grim silence as his adoptive grandfather sat across the campfire told him enough.

No one would have mourned him had he died instead. Everyone else had died for nothing.

When Ace was 7, he met a blonde boy who would knock his world off his axis.

The kid was scrawny, barely nimble on his feet, and barely able to traverse the uneven dumpsite of Gray Terminal. His curly hair was a horrible mess of tangles that not even the forest river currents would be able to clean out if the kid was thrown into the worst of it.

Ace knew that for a fact after he had shoved the kid in after he realised he was being followed.

It was a less-than-pleasant surprise when the kid proved more stubborn than his mop of stupid hair.

"I'm Sabo!" The kid grinned at him as he tried to squeeze the water from his coat. Who the hell wears a coat in these parts of the island, anyway?

Ace narrowed his eyes at the top hat and squinted at the kid's general assemble more closely. The clean-cut lines and detail in his clothes were nothing he had seen before. Or maybe… He remembered the bandits' stories about the Goa Kingdom. Could it be? A noble? Disgust ran through him as swiftly as the burning anger that had long nested within his heart.

"Get out of here, you loser," Ace snapped, barely holding back from dunking the stupid noble brat into the river again. "Idiots like you won't survive a day in a dump like this. The hell do you think you are!"

The kid scowled at him. He stood up straight, his chin jutting out, and shouted, "I'm not a loser! I'm going to be somebody important! You don't get to tell me what I can do!"

Ace sneered. "Yeah? Say that to someone who'd believe it." He paused and added because, at the core of his heart, he was really just a demon child, "Loser."

The blonde let out a screech and lunged for him.

It was the first fight Ace had ever had.

It was also the fight where Ace learnt how to live. As his skin broke under punches and turned mottled purple after a particularly hard throw, Ace learnt that he felt most alive when his body ached with pain.

An unwitting grin crossed his lips at the realisation. Of course. He was only allowed to feel good when he was hurting. He deserved nothing less.

The blonde stopped his rapid approach at Ace's smile, looking himself like a kid dragged through a dumpster.

"You're not so bad," Ace acknowledged when the silence started to grow awkward.

The kid – Sabo – beamed at the praise. "Let's be friends!"

Sabo should have known better, really. It was no surprise they started brawling again.

When Ace was 10, he met another annoying kid.

Figures the old man couldn't stop adopting kids left and right. Why not go all the way and open a darn orphanage instead, huh?

This kid was even worse than Sabo. He was cheerful, laughed all the time, and never stopped following them. It didn't matter that Ace wanted nothing to do with him. That the sight of those bright eyes made something inside him clench with something awful. That it made Ace want to crawl into a hole and maybe just die.

No, the kid just had to be a selfish idiot and cling to them all day long.

Ace wanted to kill him.

"Come on, play with me! I don't have any friends!"

Ace felt completely justified when he rammed the kid into the ground. Hard.

"Hey! That hurts!"

Sabo scratched at his face as he peered at the kid's flailing limbs uncertainly. "Maybe that was a bit hard, don't you think?"

"I'm not a babysitter," Ace shot back. "If he wants friends, he can go back to the village for all I care. His voice is enough to make me sick." A thought occurred to him, and his scowl deepened. "If you want to be friends with him so badly, then go somewhere else so I don't have to claw my eyes out."

He turned and left without another word. He refused to acknowledge the ache in his chest at the very thought. Sabo wasn't his. They weren't even friends. They were just…allies. Allies in this forsaken world that condemned children with cursed blood and shitty parents.

Sabo owed him nothing.

Ace was only owed ruin and destruction.

Then Luffy and Sabo became friends.

Oh, they were Ace's friends too.

Now they were Ace's brothers.

Life felt good, for a change. There wasn't any pain.

Then Sabo died.

Everything hurt.

Ace should have known better than to reach for things he wasn't supposed to have.

When Ace was 12, he lived to honour his late brother's wishes.

Sabo wanted him to see the world. To become someone of worth. To be a good older brother.

To be happy.

Ace didn't think he could fulfil that last one. Maybe not even the part about being a good brother. He was just a kid raised in a forest. He knew little to nothing about being a good person, much less a good sibling.

But Sabo believed in him, and Ace loved his first friend enough to try.

He learnt manners from Makino to thank Shanks for saving Luffy. He tried to protect Luffy from shitty Gramps' Fists of Love. He watched over his little brother, cared for him when he was sick, gave him larger portions of meat to eat, and did everything he could think of to make the stupid kid happy.

Ace couldn't bear to think of a world without this little ball of sunshine. Didn't think he could bear to take in another breath if Luffy didn't exist in his little world.

Ace couldn't even comprehend a world outside of Dawn Island. Who was he without his brothers? How was he to know what to do next if there was nothing left for him to do?

If only he hadn't promised to set out at 17, then he wouldn't have to leave his little brother behind in 5 years. He wouldn't have to be alone.

But Luffy would never accept it if he stayed.

So, Ace plastered a smile on his face and tried his best to store all these precious memories in his heart, right next to his bubbling nest of poisonous rage and bitterness.

He would need it when he left his whole world behind.

When Ace was 17, he felt like he was going to die.

Why did he have to be born on 1 January? He could have had a whole part of a year to set out, but here he was, packing his bags with a sunny smile on his face so he could walk headfirst into his nightmares.

Luffy was bouncing up and down like the energetic rubber bunny he was, all the while chattering about the adventures he would have, and how jealous he was that Ace got to enjoy them without him.

Come with me, Ace almost said.

Or let me stay. We can have adventures together, Ace thought as he continued packing with painfully dry eyes.

Instead, Ace snorted and ruffled his little brother's hair in exasperated fondness. "You wait your turn, you squirt. Come find me on the seas soon and we can exchange our adventures when we meet again."

Luffy beamed at him, practically giddy with happiness for his only brother. Ace wasn't blind though. He could see the hints of sadness in his dear one's eyes. An ache shot through him like an arrow to the chest.

It was stupid, but he couldn't help but ask, "Gonna miss me, Luffy?"

Would his only living brother miss him if he were gone? Had he made any mark at all?

The stupid idiot suddenly flung himself at Ace, his arms wrapping tight around the older boy as he rested his head on Ace's chest. He looked up at him, perhaps too knowingly, as if he could hear the insidious thoughts that lived in his brother's head.

"I will always miss Ace," Luffy said with clear certainty. "You raised me, and you made the loneliness go away. You will always be more important to my heart than anyone else I meet."

Ace felt a helpless smile tug at his lips. "Even your crew?" he mocked playfully.

Luffy pressed himself closer. "My crew will be my family," he said simply. "But you will always be my brother."

Ace wasn't sure what that meant, but he rewarded the rubber boy with a fist to his head. He was still careful to hold the boy as close as he could.

Inside, his heart wanted to tear itself to pieces.

Part II: The Spade Pirates

Ace hadn't meant to gather any crew just yet. He didn't even know if he ever would.

Sabo had wanted him to live. But he had already done that. His life was over the moment he lost sight of Luffy as he sailed away.

The moment he left Sabo's eternal tomb.

Maybe he'd drift around and return a failed pirate. But that would disappoint and discourage Luffy too much. Perhaps he'd be a pirate crew of one. It would be understandable that even his cursed blood would bend to the powers of the seas and those who sailed on it. But Luffy would grieve him, wouldn't he? He'd be in pain and there would be no one there to hold him while he cried this time.

Ace threw a rock off the cliff he sat atop of. He could wait, he supposed, for Luffy to set out and have his newfound crew – family, a voice whispered into his ear – be there for him when news broke of his brother's death.

How long did it take for news to carry to East Blue anyway? Would small-time pirates even make the news?

Ace wasn't sure, but he sure as hell wasn't taking chances with his only living brother's wellbeing. Especially when it meant he wouldn't be able to do anything to help him.

Then again, he mused as he scrapped his plans, none of it mattered. He was now stranded on an island in East Blue with no way to leave. Ace didn't know much about Sixis' geography. He just knew that it was surrounded by extremely rough currents that he hadn't been able to overcome on his own. Figures. He was borne of a legendary pirate, but it turned out that he had only inherited the name but none of the supposed talent and skills.

It wasn't a bad place for Ace to die. Alone, unknown, and hidden from the world.

It wasn't such a welcome surprise, then, when his thoughts were interrupted by harsh panting and quick footsteps behind him. He turned to see a man with long and spiky light blue hair. He wore an opened coat that stretched down to his knees, though it was noticeably worn and stained with dirt. Most prominently, however, was the mask he wore over his eyes.

Ace was immediately interested in uncovering the mystery behind this person.

"Who are you?" he asked curiously.

The man looked at him with something nearing desperation. "How are you here?" he asked. "I was shipwrecked. Please tell me you have a way off this island."

Oh. The guy was boring after all. Ace turned away.

"Nope," he said with a loud 'pop'. "No way out. Just waiting to die here, really," he added cheerfully.

The ensuing silence was a bit more entertaining than he had hoped, but Ace would take it. This might be his last moments after all.

Though Ace hadn't intended for it, they ended up spending time talking about how they were shipwrecked and explored if they could build a raft to get off the island safely. The guy – Masked Deuce, Ace called him – was almost an enigma. He was the first person Ace had spoken with for more than a minute since he left Dawn Island. His face lit up when he spoke of writing and he was serious about how he planned to escape Sixis. He asked Ace for his opinions and he listened to Ace when he spoke.

Masked Deuce was interesting. Ace decided he liked him.

It wouldn't be so bad to die by someone he liked.

"I'm Gol D. Roger's son."

Ace kept smiling despite the immediate tension in the air. As long as he kept smiling, he could pretend he didn't see the look of disgust on his new friend's face. He could die believing with all his heart that he was in good company. That his friend was doing him a favour by removing him from this world.

That it was sad, maybe, but that it was a necessary evil.

As expected, Masked Deuce's look of surprise morphed into genuine disgust as the man scrambled to his feet and away from Ace. Vile words escaped his lips as he swore at Ace for pretending to be nice to him. For pretending to be normal.

(Words that Ace tuned out because he couldn't hear it, see? He was smiling. None of it hurt because he couldn't hear any of it.)

Ace kept up his smile until Masked Deuce's form disappeared into the trees.

That was okay, he thought as his lips turned slack. Maybe he would come back in the night and finish the job instead.

Maybe he didn't want Ace to see it when he dealt the final blow.

Masked Deuce did come back.

Ace was contemplating eating some fruit he had found on the island and if it was worth prolonging his life when he was doomed to die on this island anyway. But he had promised to fight till the end. Would it matter if the end would come either way?

He heard a growl from behind him and he turned to see the other man almost about to jump him. He didn't miss the killer intent in the other man's eyes.

Hmmm. There's no conviction in that, Ace thought forlornly. If the man killed him, he'd probably feel very guilty about it. Oh well.

"You came back!" he greeted the guy cheerfully when the latter just froze. Ace gestured to the fruit. "Are you hungry? We can share!"

Masked Deuce's eyes widened in surprise at the offer. "W-why? I was going to kill you for it!" The man winced as the words left his mouth.

Ace raised an eyebrow at him. "You have to do better than that to take a life, you know." He patted at the ground next to him. "Come on. We can share this."

It really shouldn't have come as a surprise later when Ace ended up bursting into flames next to a sheepish Deuce.

It was going to be even harder to believe that Deuce was a friend when he ended up burning the guy. Honestly, his luck was shit.

Oh. It did help when the man tried to help put him out though, when Ace completely failed at controlling his newfound powers.

Deuce then had the genius idea to build a boat that was powered by Ace's flames to get them off the island. They worked together brilliantly as the boat very quickly came together under their workmanship. They talked as if Ace hadn't just disclosed his death sentence for all to hear, as if Ace's heritage wasn't enough to drive the man away for the hills.

Ace revelled in the air of easy acceptance. He knew that Masked Deuce likely intended to put him in his grave once they escaped the island, but that was okay.

He would fight back because of his oath to his brothers.

But if he died, he would have died helping a friend.

That was more meaningful than any death that he deserved.

Ace was becoming impatient as he waited for the axe to fall.

It had been over a week since they had escaped the island, their triumphant laughter ringing in the air, and still, Masked Deuce had yet to attempt to take his head. He didn't try to run either, choosing instead to stick to Ace as if it were the most natural place to be in the world.

Part of Ace suspected he had informed the authorities. That, he couldn't accept, he thought with growing dread.

Portgas D. Ace didn't deserve the air in his lungs. But he didn't wish to spend his living moments condemned by the entire world. They could do that once he was gone.

It didn't hit Ace when Deuce proposed looking for a bigger ship before they sailed the seas again.

It didn't hit him when Deuce started to chart out routes for them to take to reach the Grand Line.

It didn't hit him when Deuce had only blinked when Ace insisted on avoiding Lougetown completely. He wasn't sure why the man's reaction mattered but it took root in his memory anyway.

It didn't hit him when they sailed around Lougetown to reach Reverse Mountain and Deuce had been extra nice to him the entire day. He was given twice the amount of food rations and Deuce had also pressed a mug of hot chocolate into his hands when the island was in sight. (He never mentioned that the very thought of the execution's platform would send a shiver down his spine. Ace wasn't sure if his already waning will to keep going would survive the actual sight.)

It didn't hit him when he realised they had sailed together for over a month.

It only did one morning when Ace had fallen asleep into his food and had woken to a frantic Deuce slapping his face with great enthusiasm.

The slaps hadn't startled him into sharp consciousness, no.

"Captain!"

What? That did.

"Captain! Ace? Are you alright? What the hell was that? Cap?"

Ace felt the blood drain from his face. Oh. He was a captain now, wasn't he? When had that happened? How had that happened?

Already, he was being a bad one, judging from the look of panic on his first crewmate's face.

"I'm a doctor, Cap. You'll be okay. Just sit with me, stay calm, and tell me what's wrong, okay?" Deuce said soothingly as he wiped the remnants of food crumbs on Ace's face.

Ace kept still through Deuce's quiet interrogation, only nodding or shaking his head slowly as the man – the doctor – checked him over. He studied the little frown on his crewmate's face to the warm hands holding him up.

He didn't understand.

"But I'm his son," he whispered blankly.

Deuce's eyes snapped up to him immediately. The initial confusion then morphed into a look of understanding, even as the doctor's face turned grim.

"I was wrong about you. You're not your father," he said. "You're Ace and you're my captain. I will serve you until the day you tell me not to." He paused, then snorted. "Maybe not even then."

Ace continued to stare at him in incomprehension. "I don't understand."

"What don't you understand, Ace?" he asked patiently, making a show of looking Ace over. The fire-user wasn't blind. He could sense the tension in the man's frame. The way he held himself as if ready for a fight.

Except, what would the fight be about?

"I don't…aren't you going to kill me?"

Deuce's attention immediately shifted back to the younger man in shock. "What?" He must have seen something in Ace's eyes as his face twisted into something akin to horror.

Ace was, for once in his life, completely at a loss. What was there for Deuce to be confused about? He felt a trickle of annoyance at the thought. He slapped the doctor's hand away from his person and stood up. He could feel the crackle of fire beneath his skin as it raced to find some gap in his control.

"I'm Gol D. Roger's son!" he whispered-shouted. Here, on the sanctity of his chosen ship, was hardly the place to sully with his cursed heritage. It was ridiculous, considering he lived on it, but Ace had always been good at pretending to live a lie.

To his credit, Deuce only tilted his head in challenge. His arms folded across his chest. "Yes, you are. I treated you badly because of something outside your control and then I tried to kill you for a fruit you had because I didn't want to starve to death," he said, his voice hard. He levelled his gaze to meet Ace's. "I was wrong," he admitted. "You're Ace. You're the guy who offered me half your food despite behind starved yourself. And, hell, seeing you eat now just tells me how much food means to you. You didn't care that I was cruel to you. That I was still being cruel to you then. You still didn't want me to suffer."

Deuce stepped closer to where Ace had backed himself into the corner of the room, his own eyes wide. "I haven't even named the many other things you've done for my sake since we escaped that island," he said quietly. "You're not half bad, Ace." His cheeks coloured a little. "I know you never actually asked, but if you would have me, I would be honoured to serve you as my captain."

For a moment, Ace wondered if the choking sensation he felt in his chest was a sign of his imminent doom.

He was a cursed being. There wasn't a good thing about him.

Everything was only a pretence.

Ace only realised what was happening when Deuce suddenly grabbed at him and started shaking him in earnest. Oh, he wasn't breathing very well, was he? Why did his heartbeat feel so loud?

It felt as if his useless heart might just stop at the shock. Then again, his father had the same problem, hadn't he?

The last thing he saw before his vision faded into black was Deuce's panicked look on his face.

A Captain for a day, and he was already a failure.

Later, Ace would attribute his fainting spell as a narcolepsy attack.

Deuce was mad that he had only just disclosed his medical history to him. (To be fair, Ace hadn't known he was a doctor.)

(He also hadn't felt it was a major enough issue to raise.)

Deuce also didn't believe his excuse. Ace was stuck learning breathing exercises and some other relaxation techniques to reduce the risks of another panic attack.

He made sure to loudly complain about it but the worry in his crew mate's face left something achingly warm nestling into his chest.

Ace wasn't sure if the accompanying terror was as helpful as he tried to breathe.

"Did you really think I was going to kill you for being his son?" Deuce asked him one day.

Ace knew he didn't need to say anything when the other's features hardened at his expression. There wasn't much else for him to say, so he remained quiet as he watched the swell of the waves and felt the ship rock beneath his feet. He wondered how it would feel to sink into the water's embrace. If he would feel warm and protected, or if it would leech the very air from his lungs and leave him hollow and empty.

He had almost forgotten the question when Deuce spoke again.

"I'll never make you feel that way again," his first mate vowed. "Anyone else who does will be the Spade Pirates' enemies."

The fire user wasn't quite sure what to make of the first part, so he gladly jumped onto the last point, grateful for something to focus on beyond the chaos in his head. "The Spade Pirates?"

Deuce shrugged. "We can't go on without a name, can we? Besides, your name pretty much decided our name. I even drew a few versions of our pirate logo. Wanna see?"

The doctor looked at Ace as if he hadn't just upended part of his world. As if he hadn't just declared Ace worthy of being his captain – worthy of feeling good – despite the blood that ran through his veins.

Deuce frowned at him when there was no response. "You're not going to have another panic attack, are you?"

Ace immediately shook his head. Nope. There was no way he was going to sit through another lecture about keeping his mental state calm and happy.

"Nope, nope. Let's go create our flag!" Ace grinned.

"To the start of an adventure!"

"To the Spade Pirates!"

"You know we actually have to find more crew members, right?"

Ace laughed as Deuce snorted.

It wasn't that bad, Ace thought, as he poured over the pirate logos with his first friend of the sea.

Maybe he didn't have to suffer through the days until he reached the end.

Maybe, if he believed this peace was temporary, he could have something good for himself, even if only for a moment.

Ace thought Sabo would have wanted him to have this too.

(Even if he didn't deserve it.)

This was supposed to be two chapters, but I figured, why not upload them at the same time anyway?

Let me know what you think!

Next stop: The Emperors