Her heart beats heavily in her chest, drums against her ribcage in its own rhythm that is way too fast for her breath to catch up with. Her shaky hand pressed against her sternum, willing her body to just chill for a moment so she could take a moment to get her bearings back. But no, her stomach churns with anxiety instead.

What the hell is she thinking? What is she doing here? He was clear. Shouldn't she respect that?

Her trembling hand finds her still flat stomach on its own, softly brushing over the fluffy cashmere of her sweater, conjuring up images of both worlds that could await her in the future behind this door ... of the happy world she dreams of, a baby with Castle's beautiful eyes, tiny feet toddling through the loft, joy, and laughter waving through the air. And the world that makes her stomach turn, her breath stuck in her chest … a world she is dreading in which there is no joy, no laughter, only her and the baby and the occasionally shared custody loaded with arguments about how to raise their baby, scheduled times to drop it off and pick it up again, heavy gazes and other women in his life.

No, she needs to take responsibility. It's her fault it is like this now. It's her fault she hurt him so badly. She can't keep this from him. And she sure as hell can't wait until he comes back in six months and shock him with a huge belly and a 'surprise, you're going to be a father in a few weeks'.

No, she wants to fix this. She wants more than shared custody, she wants a real family with him just like she saw that night when he made love to her, just like she dreams of whenever she closes her eyes and almost hears the slapping of little feet on the floor.

Shakily, she takes a deep breath, lifts her hand, and knocks on the door. Wishing – almost praying – that it's not Alexis who opens her, that she's not there yet because she has no idea how she should explain all of this to her. But it's another widely smiling redhead who opens her, as colorful an impression as always.

"Kate! Or are you here as Detective…" Her eyes grow wide, probably already thousands of thoughts in her mind about what could've happened that brought a homicide detective to her doorstep, so Kate hurries to interject.

"No! No, I'm here … on personal matters." She tries a small smile but fails miserably, her shoulders sagging as if giving up as well to feign nonchalance. Martha studies her long, before sighing her name and pulling her in a motherly embrace, holding her close, and for the first time since she found out four days ago, she doesn't feel alone anymore. Her hands find Martha's back, fiddling in the soft silk of her happy blouse, allowing herself to close her eyes for a moment and breathe in Martha's warm and heavy smell even though it troubles her sensitive nose.

Whatever happens, she knows Martha is there even though she hasn't told her anything yet.

"Come on in, darling," she says then, takes her hand in her warm, soft hands and guides her to the lounge area. "Sit, I'll make us some tea and then you'll tell me everything that bothers you." Scurrying away to make the tea, she explains that Alexis is still in the air, her plane arriving very late at night as if she read her thoughts.

Kate finds her following her, sliding on one of the barstools, propping her chin on her hands, and sighing heavily. Martha busies herself preparing their tea, heating up water, picking a deliciously smelling brand, and humming a soft tune, waiting for her to speak. And suddenly, she does. Surprised by herself she starts talking in the comfortable silence that slid between them, the motherly aura of Martha making her feel safe enough to open her heart and share her deepest, darkest secrets. She knots her hands while talking, pushing and pulling, turning and massaging, anything to ease the nervousness that makes her stomach flutter too much.

"It was the night of the book party. I guess, I wasn't ready to tell him goodbye and offered to buy him a drink. He was so tired from the event that he invited me to the loft. Surprisingly nobody was here, we were both a little more than tipsy …" She trails off as her body starts to remember the burning touch of his hands, his mouth on her skin. Martha mistakes her silence for shame, pats her hand.

"Darling, I'm the last to judge. Look at me. I still have my fun", she winks at her and Kate blushes dipping her head to hide her embarrassment, not willing to picture Castle's mother having 'her fun'. Ugh, she's glad that Castle's not here and heard that.

"No, it's not like that. I don't see it as a mistake. And it wasn't just a one-night stand for me and I think – I hope - for him neither. But he got a message from Paula that I accidentally read that sounded like he just wanted to get me out of his system to move on. I freaked out and ran." Martha sighs heavily but stays silent. Kate continues to tell her the whole messed-up story until the end.

"Oh, my" is all she says for a long time, both staring into the swirling heat of their cups. "What are you going to do now?"

"I just solved my case and my captain ordered me to take a few days off to rest. Castle asked me to stop calling him but I can't. He deserves to know what it meant for me and I have to explain everything to him in person before I tell him about the baby. So I wanted to ask you if you know where he currently is."

"You want to fly to him?" Martha looks so surprised, worrying Kate if it's a bad idea. No, she knows it's a bad idea. A really bad one. But she's pretty much out of options, isn't she?

"I … yes. I know it's probably stupid, but … I don't know. I just have to do something. I made a huge mistake and I need to take responsibility for it. I should've let him explain the message. I should've explained the kiss. I should've told him. I just didn't know how and I was scared. I wanted to fix things in person, that's why I came by last week, but I didn't know that he's in Europe for so long. And … oh, Martha, I didn't know about the baby then. Please don't think that I just want to fix things so that the baby–" Martha grabs her wrists her thumbs circling over her puls point, calming her instantly, pulls slightly leading Kate to look into her eyes, one of the elder woman's leathery hands rising up to kiss her cheek, the perfume as dramatic as the woman envelops her, thumbs brushing softly over her cheekbone.

"Hush, Kate, I know this is not why you're here. Let me get the address for you and then I'll call our travel agent and she'll organize everything for you, okay?" Kate shakes her head heavily.

"No, that's not necessary, Martha. I'll just book a flight and see from there. Please, don't trouble yourself on your account." The elder woman chuckles, still cupping her face and brushing over her cheeks.

"Kate, darling. I know that you can perfectly manage it on your own, but let me do this for you and my second grandchild, please? It'll ease my worries to know that you are being taken care of, no matter what happens." She softly brushes her knuckle over Kate's flat stomach, the touch barely more than a whisper over the delicate wool, a sweet and unimposing gesture that fills Kate's eyes with tears. Her second grandchild. As if Kate were a part of this family. Martha's gaze still lies on her and she nods granting her permission to spoil her unborn child, and the future grandmother hurries away with flying colors and an invisible orchestra underlining her exit in Kate's head.

Second grandchild. Oh, my god. It finally hits her, finally gets to her. She's going to have a baby. A baby! Nevertheless with a man who doesn't want to speak with her. During the past few days it was easy to ignore it despite the alternating nausea and hunger attacks, the sleeplessness, and falling asleep the minute she closed her eyes. It wasn't real. But now Martha knows and she's going to fly to Caste to tell him.

She is going to have a baby. A baby. A teeny tiny human being who needs her. Who needs love and safety and stability and a home that contains more than takeout temples in the fridge.

She's not ready to have a baby. She's never been a baby person. And if she'd ever consider it, she always thought that she'd be married to her one and done, not single with a broken relationship, chronically overworked and catastrophic in taking care of herself.

And her job – what is she going to do about her job? What is she going to do about her mother's case? She can't let her down. She has to find justice for her. For her mom. She misses her mom so much. She just wants … She just wants her mom. Wants her advice. Wants to know her at her side.

"Everything is going to be alright, darling." Martha's there at her side again, bracketing her face in her hands, pressing a kiss on her forehead. "Everything is going to be alright. You are not alone in this, darling. We're here for you, you're a part of us now. And I know no matter how it turns out between you and Richard, that he will be here, too. For the baby, of course, but for you, too. Because that is how I raised my son. You'll see. Just be honest with him, darling."

Kate lets her eyes fall close, a single tear rolling down her cheek as she nods. Keeping to herself that this is exactly what she's fearing. That he'll just be there for her and the baby because that's how he's been raised, that's how big his heart is and he just endures her because he knocked her up. She finally admitted to herself that she has feelings for him, deep feelings. Feelings so intense that it scares her into running away if there wouldn't be a tiny human growing in her that she has to be more for.

"Good", Martha brushes the tear away, "now grab the things you'll need for two or three nights. The car service should be here any minute to take you to your apartment and from there to the airport. One of Taylor's employees will meet you there with the details, she'll also organize everything in Dublin. There'll be a car waiting for you and – in case you need one – a hotel room nearby."

"Thank you, Martha. You didn't have to do that." Kate sighs and hugs her tightly, relishing the warmth of the embrace. "But I really appreciate it. It's a weight off my shoulders. Thank you, really."

"Hush, now go and talk some sense into my son." Martha practically shoves her out of the door – gently but still, and she leaves with the car service to pack a small bag and go to the airport to cross an ocean to fix the mess she made.

The next hours are a complete blur, she was functioning on autopilot, her mind reeling with dread and anxiety, her body tumulting. Everything happened so fast suddenly that she has trouble breathing, a huge weight on her chest suffocating her the closer she got to him.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, but due to the rain, I can't take that road. You'll have to walk the last meters." The voice of her driver pulls her out of her racing, panicking thoughts and she looks at him confused.

"What?" She has to walk? Walk where? Oh, the cottage? They're there already?

"I'm terribly sorry, ma'am. It's been raining here the whole day and the remaining path to the address you gave me is an earth road. I'll get myself stuck. There's an umbrella in the back, ma'am." The driver, she thinks his name was Thomas, is looking at her through the rearview mirror, the head of his livery shining in the streetlamp.

"Oh, no, it's alright. My jacket will do. Thank you. No, stay seated, I have everything I need." She waves him off when he wants to get out to fulfill his chivalrous duty to open her door – she's more than capable of opening her own damn door.

"I'm terribly sorry again, ma'am. It's just down the path you can't miss it, be careful, it's muddy. Call me when you need to be picked up again." She just nods and steps into the pouring rain that soaks her clothes within minutes, so much about her waterproof Jacket, as she slowly walks down the path. Cautiously trying not to slip in the mud that's covering the path. Her driver was right to stop at the paved road and not trying to drive down here. Getting stuck would have been the least of their problems, she's pretty sure that they'd slid right into one of the countless trees lining the path.

And then she's there. She reached a cute little stone cottage covered in now leafless tendrils of vine, a blue wooden fence surrounding the estate, warm light shining through the lattice windows, smoke coming out of the chimney. It's nothing she would've pictured Castle would choose to stay in, nothing luxurious, nothing fancy, just cute and picturesque. Her heart warms once again at the thought of how wrong his public image is and how more there is to this wonderful man than he lets on.

Oh, gosh. She's here. She's really here. What is she going to say to him? How should she start? Probably with her apology – definitely not with the pregnancy. No, she needs to apologize for running away, huh, for threatening his life probably, too. And for letting Demming kiss her right in front of him, as well. Ugh, and for letting this continue for almost three weeks, something she's not proud of. But she has to own up to it, has to take responsibility for everything she's done wrong. So, apologize, explain, tell him that she was scared by the intensity of her feelings and the thought that their night didn't mean anything to him, and then later tell him about the baby. Yeah, okay.

She's opening the little gate that leads to the front door, following the stone pathed way leading to the house, not even aware of the heavy rain anymore, her stomach in knots, her heart somewhere in her throat, trying to escape from what she's going to do now. Before she reaches the door, it already opens and Castle steps out, stops dead in his tracks, rain painting his face with its tears. It also could be his with the way it's crouched up with pain and hurt before it's suddenly wiped clear of any emotion. He put on a mask she'd never seen on him and it hurts her that he's hiding his feelings from her, not letting her see them anymore. Their relationship is really broken.

"Beckett? What the hell?!" The anger in his voice is as intense as if he had just slapped her in the face, pressing any air out of her lungs. She swallows hard, knots her fingers, and takes a deep breath to stick to her plan. Apologize, explain, confess feelings. Easy. She can do this.

But then she hears it. The voice of a woman calling from behind and suddenly the rain turns to icy needles piercing her skin, hurting her heart. A woman? Red locks and curious green eyes appear over his shoulder, a beautiful face painted with freckles. She's young. Even younger than herself. I'm way too busy in the arms of a beautiful woman, his words from his voicemail haunt her thoughts. Of course. Maybe there's more to his image than she wanted to see.

"What do you want?" His eyes are hard on her, closed up, his hands in fists, opening and closing, opening and closing as if he's trying to suppress his anger. You is on the front of her tongue but it escapes with the tear that rolls down her cheek, perfectly hidden in the heavy rain.

"I'm pregnant", the words escape her mouth and the hand rising to keep them in comes too late. She spilled her secret and from the way his face falls, his eyes widen in horror and he ways to the side, as if she hit him, holding onto the door frame with knuckles white as snow, it was completely the wrong way to tell him or start this conversation. Hah, who would've figured? She curses herself, blinks the tears of anger and disappointment away. His mouth moves, but barely a tone escapes, she can see the shocked question in his eyes, though.

She has no idea how long they stand there staring at each other in horror, the rain pouring down on them, soaking them but neither of them seems to really notice, seems to care. She's out of words, out of strength, she's completely lost.

"Okay", the woman suddenly says, stepping in to help them out of their frozen state. "Why don't we get inside and talk? I'll get some fresh towels for you both, make a hot tea and finish the food, so you have a good ol' Irish stew to warm up again and then I'll make myself scarce."

"No, Rosie, you don't have to …" Castle starts, finally averting his eyes, running a hand over his suddenly so tired-looking face.

"Yes, I do", she immediately interjects, softly grabs his arms, and forces him back into the house. "You should come, too, Detective Beckett", she says with a soft smile, shocking her into knowing who she is. "It looks like you have a lot to talk about. Come on. I promise I won't kiss and tell." She jokes with a warm chuckle in her voice and despite their awkward situation, she likes that girl. Slowly, she follows and tries peeling herself out of her clothes which happens to be a difficult affair with her body trembling uncontrollably with the cold and the adrenaline, when Rosie comes back with a huge, fluffy-looking white towel.

"You probably should get out of the wet clothes before you catch a cold. The weather can be pretty brutal this time of the year. Nanna says it's going to snow soon. Did you walk here?"

"N-No, j-just the pa-path", her teeth clatter affected by the shiver that holds control over her body as well. "Driver didn't want to go down that path." Rosie sighs.

"Yeah, it's a mud party by now, I know. That's a huge problem here this time of the year. It'll be better once it freezes. Maybe you'll see, it's already freezing outside. Guess, Nanna was right." She laughs again, watches Kate still fumble with the zipper of her boots, stuck with mud and her trembling hands not strong enough to pull with the force needed.

"Do you need help with the zipper? Is it stuck?" Rosie already kneeling down in front of her, her warm fingers touching her, the heat burning her chilled skin. "Oh, yeah, damn, that's really stuck." Kate doesn't want her to help. She just wants her to disappear or herself to disappear, she just wants to curl up and die. Her worst nightmare just became reality. She ruined every chance to fix the relationship with Castle without making everything about the baby, and she found him with a woman.

"Let me do it", his baritone goes right through her, troubling her heart further. She lifts her head to tell him off, she doesn't want his help. He changed into soft sweats, his hair still wet and mussed from the towel, looking so delicious her breath catches in her throat, robbing her of the ability to speak. He crouches down, takes her muddy boot, and unzips it so hard that she loses her balance and reflexively clings to his shoulder. He goes stiff beneath her touch, feeling rock solid and icy but he still continues to tuck off her boot and goes on to the next, ignoring her quivering hand on his shoulder.

"You should go get changed before you freeze to death, maybe take a hot shower." And with that, he's gone again, without even looking at her once.

"Come on, I'll show you the bathroom. Do you have another set of clothes you can wear?" Kate only nods and follows the beautiful woman through the beautiful cottage in a cute bathroom with a shower – and a bathtub calling her name. But she ignores it, she needs to try and fix what she's ruined first.

"Here are some fresh towels and there's a bathrobe if you need one. I'll prepare the tea and the food, you look like you're starving." As if on cue her stomach rumbles, reminding her that she was way too nervous to eat something since she left the loft seventeen hours before. Can't even remember if she ate anything in the last twenty-four hours, just like she was too nervous to sleep on the flight. The exhaustion catching up with her now that the anxiety is mostly gone, making her sway on her feet. Rosie catches her, holds her steady. "You okay?"

"Yeah, just a long day." Rosies doesn't look convinced, still holding on to her arm as if scared she might lose her balance again. "I'll be fine", she lies, she's far from being fine, has no idea when she'll ever be fine again.

"Okay, you should maybe take a bath to thaw the frozen bones of yours. You're ice-cold." Kate mumbles something, not sure what just to finally get rid of her, strips her wet and icy clothes, and hops into a scalding shower – the sudden contrast making her so dizzy she almost faints, clinging desperately to the shower rail, waiting for it to pass, waiting for her vision to clear, for the world to stop turning.

The knock on the door almost escapes her mind until he hears his voice. "Kate?"

"I'll be right out", she manages to say or at least she thinks so, hopes so, but the next thing she hears is him announcing his entrance and the gasp of her name, making her eyes overflow with tears.

"I'm fine. Just a bit dizzy. Just have to wait." But he doesn't wait. His hands are hot on her still chilly skin as they wrap her in a soft towel before he untangles the hard grip she still has on the rail and carefully lays her down on the floor before he grabs her legs and holds them up. She drapes an arm over her eyes, hiding the tears, shutting out the spinning room and the way he doesn't look at her. Martha was right, he'd care for her despite his anger, despite his hurt feelings. But she was right, it only makes everything so much worse.

"Alexis used to faint a lot for a while a few years ago – The Doctor said it's hormonal, comes with the changes in her body from puberty. But this always helped." He explains but she doesn't answer, not trusting her voice.

"You still there?"

"Yes", she breathes, the fog slowly lifting, the blackness in her vision receding, she still hides beneath her arm. "I'm sorry, Castle. I'm so sor–"

"Is it mine?" He interrupts her, the coldness of his voice piercing through her heart. She can't blame him, she probably knew the question would come, but still, she gets angry, mostly with herself, though he's one the receiving end of it.

"No, I just flew across an ocean to inform you that I'm pregnant with another man's child." She bites her lip, cursing herself for venting her anger on him, softening her tone. "Of course, it's yours. Nothing happened between Tom and me. He's not the one I want." Castle huffs, the sound crushing her heart. He doesn't believe her. What did she expect?

"I made a mistake, Castle–" She starts, trying to follow her plan despite her huge lapse, trying to save whatever she can.

"Yeah, you said that already." He interjects and sets her feet down, the warmth of him gone, leaving her trembling on the floor.

"Castle, no, that's not–" "When was the last time you ate or slept?" She growls in frustration, drops her arm to look at him, and gets up on her knees, trying to face him, but she gets up too fast and almost falls back on the floor again. His arm catches her again, but she jerks herself free, getting on her feet slowly, ignoring the deafening roaring of the blood in her ears, the black spots dancing before her eyes. She doesn't want his pity or his caretaking, she's strong.

"Listen to me, please!" She's staring at him but he's looking at the floor, but at least he's not objecting again. "I made a mistake when I ran away. Your phone woke me up and I looked at the message, assuming it was mine. I read Paula's text and thought that you just slept with me to get me out of your system, that it didn't mean anything to you when it meant so much to me."

He huffs, shakes his head, pinches the bridge of his nose, vibrating with anger. "Yeah, so much that you didn't even listen to me. So much that you ran straight into the arms of Mr. Robbery. So much that you didn't call until four days ago. Tell me, would you be here if I wouldn't have knocked you up?" Her whole body is shaking uncontrollably, she crosses her arms over her chest to protect her fragile heart.

"No, I wouldn't. But that's not why I'm here!" Castle laughs, but it makes her blood turn to ice.

"Yeah, right. Are you even listening to yourself? You are only here because I knocked you up. You just admitted it. And you only called because of the pregnancy, right?"

"Castle–", she starts but he interjects, finally looking at her, his eyes burning with anger and hurt.

"Right?!"

"No", she breathes shakily. "No, I called because I … because I … made a mistake."

"Oh, and that thought crossed your mind before or after you found out that you are pregnant? What exactly is the mistake, Beckett? Our night together? That you got knocked up? Or that you kissed Demming right before my eyes to pay me back?" He raises his voice, coming closer and closer, his anger suffocating her.

"Demming, of course!" She screams at him, frustrated that he just won't listen to her. He just huffs, shakes his head, and steps back, the sudden missing closeness making her dizzier again. She craves having him near, even angry.

"Yeah, right. That's why you called right after to tell me, right? Because it meant so much to you. You tried everything to reach me in the past twenty-four days because Demming was the mistake and not me, not the night we spent together that got you pregnant." She whispers his name, tries to reach for him but he dodges her hands, his gaze fixed on the floor. "I can't do this." And then he's gone. The bang of the slammed front door only moments later shattering her heart, making her knees buckle and she slides down on the floor again.

Whoops, that's a long one XD But I wanted to include Kate's talk with Martha because I just love the relationship they had later on in the series and wanted to show it here as well, but I didn't want to leave you hanging in the same spot again, so it just got pretty long XD

To those pointing out that Castle is behaving like a little angry kid – yeah, it's SO typical for him right?! Just remember how he behaved in season 4, after he found out that Kate's been lying to him. And they hadn't even spent a night together! I just wanted to point out how betrayed he feels, how much it meant to him and then she was kissing Demming?! Of course, he's furious. Of course, he's not picking up the phone when she calls him after three weeks of radio silence – they don't have the amazing relationship they have in season 3 or 4. It's only the beginning of season 2, the beginning of their partnership, the fragile bud of their later so blooming love.