Chapter 9: Shrek Super Slam
"Alright, what's the plan, Lieutenant?" Uraraka asked.
Momo nodded, as she grabbed a bag she brought from their temporary campsite with her. Opening it up, she revealed, to the shock of both Uraraka and Kendo… bunny ears.
And bunny suits. Like the ones straight out of a Playboy magazine.
"What the fuck…?"
"Uhh… Lieutenant?" Kendo looked at her nervously.
"Before you ask, they're not mine, they're Kodai's. I'm pretty sure she's… into some freaky stuff, if I'm being honest," Momo said. "Regardless, here's the plan: Wearing these bunny costumes, we'll sneak into the village and rescue our comrades. If things get bloody, we'll shoot our way out. These things don't have pockets, so we have no choice but to carry our pistols by hand."
"I'm still reeling from the fact Kodai was carrying all of that," Uraraka said.
"Yeah, imagine how I felt back when I discovered them on the drive here," Momo said. "Just put them on, and make sure to cover your actual ears. These rabbit ones may appear realistic from a distance, but if they also see our real ears, the enemy will know something's up. Monoma."
"Yes, Lieutenant?" the blond soldier asked.
"Once we're done changing into these costumes, take our uniforms and head back to the AVTs. I want you, Sato and Aoyama in each of the driver's seats, engines running, ready for a quick escape, in case we have to run like hell," she said. "Oh, and don't look while we change."
"I wasn't going to!" he said, turning around. "My heart belongs to Itsuka, and Itsuka alone!"
"Well, that sure inspires confidence," Kendo said, as they began to strip.
"BWWAAA!"
Rumi smiled as she heard the horn be rung. Those two men would be eaten alive by the Blood Snake, and the other four would join them by day's end. Looking over her people, she gestured towards the four men on display, ready to divide them amongst the tribe.
"The one wearing the ridiculous bandana will be paired with the smartest of the tribe!" Rumi said, as she pointed to the one that called himself "Awase." What a bizarre name.
"The one with the beady creepy eyes will be paired with the hunters of the tribe!" she continued, pointing to the one with the black braided hair, calling himself "Rin." Eastern, perhaps?
"The one with the dark brown hair will be paired with the most beautiful of our tribe, and the one with the light brown hair will be paired with the rest of the tribe! Is that understood?"
"""YES, CHIEFTESS!"""
"Excellent! Then let the ritual… begin!"
"""BLOOD SNAKE! BLOOD SNAKE! BLOOD SNAKE!"""
As the rabbit women chanted for the titanic serpent, Eijiro looked over to Bakubro, who was also backing away from the giant snake. "Please tell me you have a new plan!"
"Uh, kind of?" the blond said. "I was kinda thinking of lodging one of them into the big snakes' mouth. That would leave us with one more we could use on these bunny bitches?"
"Yeah, that works for me – OH MY GOD!"
"ROOOAAR!"
Before the horned snake could take a bite out of either of them, the two soldiers dodged and rolled out of the way, avoiding the serpent's fangs, and making the crowd go wild.
"Wait, are they enjoying this?! I thought this was some sort of sacred ritual!"
"What are you, stupid?!" Bakubro yelled. "This is entertainment for them!"
The redhead looked at his friend in horror. "But this is evil! And super unmanly!"
"So they're basically a sorority!"
"Uhh… I guess –?"
"DODGE!"
"AAAHHH!"
Kosei Tsuburaba was a simple man, with simple dreams.
One of those dreams was having a harem full of monster girls.
Unfortunately, at the ripe old age of sixteen, he learned the sad truth of the world: Monster girls didn't exist. So, he buried his dead dream, and decided to be more realistic.
Chicks loved the sciencey types, right?
So, he dedicated himself to meteorology, the study of the atmosphere and weather. He could just imagine it now: Him, the smoking hot scientist who would save the world from a weather disaster like the ones he saw in action movies, all while scoring a hot news reporter babe.
Unfortunately, college tuition costs money. So, he decided to enlist to pay his tuition.
To be honest, that was the best decision of his life, cause that's where he met Sen.
Sen Kaibara was kinda like him: An average joe trying to make his way in the world. He also racked up debt on his geology degree, so he enlisted as well. Sure, the similarities there were nice, but the best part as the fact that they were both closet pervs.
Turns out, he also fantasized of having an army of beautiful women at his beck and call, a dream that died due to the harshness of something called reality. While it is true that they bonded over normal stuff, too, they became truly best friends over the lewd.
And then the Musutafu Incident occurred.
Honestly, when General Aizawa showed up to their base asking for the two of them to go on an exploration mission to a fantasy world, a spark returned to their eyes.
So, after ten whole years, his dreams of a monster girl harem had been revived.
They weren't really paying attention when Aizawa was saying stuff like "high likelihood of death" or "the fate of the world rests in your hands." They knew exactly what their priorities were.
Unfortunately, reality kicked them in the balls. Again.
Their fellow soldiers were out of the picture. Sure, maybe the two of them could try something like what Monoma and Kendo had, but that sort of "office romance" cliche could easily become a harassment lawsuit. And besides, they respected their comrades too much for that.
Melissa Shield? Sure, she was beautiful, but she already had a lover. And aside from the fact that if the two of them tried anything they would be smited by the fallen angel, adultery was something that both Kosei and Sen agreed was SUPER UNCOOL.
Uwabami could have worked, if it wasn't for the fact that the rest of the SREU kinda fucked up her property, along with the fact that she turned Sen into a statue for a couple of hours. Plus, the fact that the SREU left the day they met her, made it kinda impossible to get his groove on.
And now, there were the warrior bunnies.
At this point, both Kosei and Sen were gonna take what they could get. And if they had to die in order to get themselves a harem of monster girls, then dammit, die they shall!
"Hey, Sen, for what it's worth, it was nice knowing ya," Kosei said.
"The honor was all mine, Kosei," his best friend smiled back.
"Excellent!" he could hear the chieftess wrapping up her speech. "Then let the ritual… begin!"
Immediately, Kosei could feel himself get dragged by chains off the stand, and being marched towards some unknown location by a real black-haired beauty of a rabbit girl.
"So…" he tried to strike up a conversation. "Who's virginity are you taking? Is it mine?"
"Private Tsuburaba, I'm going to assume that your comment just now was a result of this ordeal you're going through, so I won't report what you said to me once we return to the base."
Kosei suddenly felt his eyes pop out of his skull the second he heard that voice.
"Wait… Lieutenant Yaoyorozu?!"
"Hey, shh!" He could hear Kendo's voice behind him. "Do you want us to get caught?!"
"Wait, wait, what's going on?" Sen said, who was just as confused.
"This is a rescue mission, you idiots," Kendo said. "We're getting you out of here."
"Wait, how the hell did you come across bunny suits?!" Awase asked.
"Kodai," was all Uraraka said.
That somehow both explained everything and nothing at all.
As Katsuki escaped another snake bite, he strategized.
This damn snake was moving around like a goddamn Dark Souls boss, never giving them a chance to breathe. If it wasn't trying to bite their heads off, it was moving in closer to get their heads within biting-off distance. Which meant that they had to dodge to avoid that, and the fucking cycle would repeat itself. I need to find an opening!
As Shitty Hair dodged those arm-sized fangs of the snake again, Katsuki had an idea. It was stupid and most likely gonna get them killed, but he had no other choice.
"HEY!" he shouted, waving his hands around like a maniac. "HEY, YOU OVERSIZED GARDEN HOSE! YOU WANT A REAL MEAL?! COME AND GET ME, YA SCALY WORM BASTARD!"
"Bakubro, what the hell are you doing?!"
"Just stay as far away from its head as fucking possible! I have a plan!"
The rhino-horned cobra reared its ugly head towards Katsuki, and slithered towards him. He immediately ran towards one of the walls of the pit, and faced the snakey bastard.
He silently calculated the distance between him and the snake monster, along with how quickly it would rewatch him. Once he was done, he grabbed one of the grenades from his pocket. As the big green fuck nearly reached him, and prepared to open its mouth, he pulled the pin.
"ROOOAA –"
BAM!
The second that thing opened its mouth, Katsuki threw the grenade down its throat, and then dodged to the left. The snake slammed its ugly-ass face into the wall, and Katsuki ran like hell as far from the snake as he could, to get out of the blast radius.
"Bro, what did you do –?"
Grabbing Kirishima, he shouted, "GET THE FUCK DOWN!"
The two of them hit the dirt, and turned to see the giant snake and shaken off the impact from hitting the wall… and had turned around to stare them down with its yellow eyes.
The horned monster hissed, making its way towards them, when –
BOOOOOM!
Blood and viscera sprayed both Katsuki and Shitty Hair, as both of them could still feel the ringing in their ears seconds after the blast went off due to how close they were. Opening his eyes, Katsuki could see that the head of the Blood Snake was completely gone, blown clean off, and all that was left was the stump of a neck and the rest of its body.
Momo's plan backfired.
Momo's plan had seriously backfired.
At first it was going great. The three of them had managed to get the four idiots, who she is now dubbing as the "Chaos Corps" from now on due to the constant bullshit they ended up getting involved in, away from the soon-to-be rabbit orgy thanks to their disguises.
Unfortunately, as soon as that happened, they ran into trouble.
Turns out that, even in a jungle within a medieval fantasy world, bureaucracy was still a thing. Meaning that the locals noticed that something was up when the warrior bunnies who took the chained men away for preparation weren't the ones who were assigned the job.
The second issue came when said warrior bunnies took a closer look at the ones who were escorting the men to the "mating chambers," only to realize that they weren't wearing their tribe's traditional clothing. Sure, Momo and her soldiers may have fooled the locals into believing that they were the same species, but in terms of clothes?
Not even Momo was able to explain to the warrior bunnies why the three of them were wearing black skin-tight Playboy outfits instead of the clearly Aztec-inspired clothing the rest of the women were wearing, which included lots of feathers and golden jewelry.
Meaning that Momo and the other girls were about as out-of-place to the rabbit women as, say, an American would be in literally any country in the world at any given time.
And, much like with Americans, the local's reactions to them were, understandably, hostile.
Which would explain why Momo, Kendo and Uraraka had now formed a kill circle between the Chaos Corps and the very much angry, and very much armed, warrior bunnies.
BLAM!
"AIIEEE –!"
As Momo shot another one of the rabbit-like demi-humans in the arm for getting too close, she was running through the statistics in her head. All three of them only had their handguns with them, Minebea P9s to be specific, which each had six shots before having to reload.
Meaning that between the three of them, they had eighteen shots.
And there were definitely way more warrior bunnies than eighteen.
As she shot away another one of the warrior bunnies, Momo grabbed her radio. "Kodai! Komori! Please tell me that you arrived at the coordinates we sent you! We need reinforcements!"
No response.
Wonderful. Kodai and Komori weren't responding, and Melissa was still in the air searching for them. And since she didn't have a radio, Momo couldn't order her to come rescue them.
It was now only a matter of time before the bullets ran out.
Eijiro Kirishima would have been celebrating right now.
He just survived against a monster of a cobra. Normally after such a stressful ordeal, he would have laughed hysterically at its corpse and yelled "fuck you," while pointing at the corpse.
But he wasn't doing that for two reasons.
One, it wasn't manly to make fun of your defeated opponents.
Two, he was currently being aimed at by arrows from all sides.
Turns out that Bakubro was a bit too late to launch the second grenade, so the shock the bunny girls had at witnessing their mascot explode had passed, leading to them being reasonably pissed off, and all of them now pointing their bows and arrows towards both him and Bakubro.
Bakubro couldn't reach down to his pockets. If he did, they would notice, and fire. Meaning all they could do now was wait to get chained up again. It was game over for them.
That was… until Eijiro saw a miracle.
KRAK!
"AHH!"
One of the bunny girls was hit with a spear to the side, surprising the rest of them. They all turned to see that the unknown assailant was a woman wearing a red mask, with horns. But the second Eijiro saw the eyes behind her mask, he knew who she was.
That's the girl back from Musutafu…
Several of the other bunny girls next to her immediately engaged the masked woman in combat, as the artificial redhead watched her dodge the arrows, as if she was dancing around them –
BOOOOOM!
Snapping out of his thoughts, Eijiro turned around to see that Bakubro had used his second grenade while everyone was distracted, taking out everyone on the other side of where the masked girl was fighting. "COME ON! LET'S GO WHILE THEY'RE DISTRACTED!"
Nodding Eijiro immediately clawed his way out of the pit alongside his explosive friend, making it out, and immediately making a break for it to the trees. Before Eijiro could leave however, he turned around. All he could see were the downed bunny girls, no sign of the girl.
He felt bad for not being able to say "thank you" to his savior.
"Lieutenant Yaoyorozu, this is Kodai, do you copy?"
Momo looked down to her radio. Her current situation was bad. She was down to one bullet, and the rest of the girls had run out of ammunition a few minutes ago. The warrior bunnies around her group were slowly closing in, and Momo could only keep bluffing about the awesome power behind their "fire sticks" for a few more minutes before the jig was up.
"Lieutenant, do you copy?"
Picking up her radio, Momo talked into it. "Kodai? Is that really you? Where are you?"
"I'm with Komori, we're almost to your location with the cavalry, but you have to listen carefully: When we show up, start running like hell, and get out of the crossfire. Understood?"
"Caverly? What calverley?! Kodai, come in! Kodai –"
RUUUMBLE…
Momo took her eyes off her radio the second she heard that sound. Everyone turned around, even the warrior bunnies, the second they heard that sound. Turning to her right, Momo, along with everyone else, could see that the trees were falling, and whatever was causing them to fall was both big, and heading towards the direction of the village.
But what Momo wasn't expecting to come out of the trees was… Komori.
"RUN!" the brown-haired botanist yelled, as she sprinted. "FUCKING RUUUUUN!"
A few seconds later, Kodai came out running, followed by… OH, WHAT THE HELL?!
Escaping from the forest, and taking down as many trees in their way were these… giants. Twice the height of her men, hunched backs, fat bellies along with tusks scrunched up faces and armed with clubs, that suggested they were nothing more than savage brutes.
But, apparently, the warrior bunnies recognize these monsters.
"OGRE ATTACK!" one of them yelled, and in an instant, all of the warrior bunnies stopped pursuing Momo and her team, in favor of fighting off the brand-new attackers.
"Ogres…?" Momo tried to wrap her head around what she heard.
"Oh, hi, Lieutenant. I see you were snooping through my personal stuff."
"Kodai!" Momo turned to see the team medic. "How did you manage this…?"
Twenty minutes earlier…
It was at this moment that Kinoko realized their team's medic was insane.
Kodai-chan's "idea" consisted of her raining gunfire at the homes of the ogres, and then taunting them, all to get their attention. Oh, and not only that, but she also told them to chase after both her and Kinoko, emphasizing how both of them were both beautiful and defenseless women.
What the absolute hell?!
Not only that, but she kept going. She kept telling those monsters that if they managed to catch the two of them, they could do whatever they wanted with her and Kinoko. She then proceeded to list off a bunch of extremely explicit acts the ogres could do with them.
So now, Kinoko was running as fast as her little legs could carry her, not because she was afraid of what the ogres would do to her, but because she was terrified of whatever twisted fucked-up shit lurked in Yui Kodai's mind that would make even Satan go "nope."
"Irrelevant," Kodai quickly said.
Momo gave her a questioning look, but she figured that she could ask again later, when they were out of harm's way. "Whatever. For now, let's get the fuck out of this jungle."
Everyone seemed to be in agreement with that decision, so the nine soldiers made their way through the bunny versus ogre chaos, heading towards the trees.
Unfortunately…
"YOU!"
Momo turned around to see a white-haired rabbit woman, one with dark skin. Immediately recognizing her as the chieftess from Kendo's report, she tensed. This was gonna be bad.
"You bring these men here, trick ourselves into appearing as members of the tribe, and now, you bring the ogres to attack us?!" Brandishing a halberd, Chieftess Usagiyama was seeing red, as she screamed at Momo, "NONE OF YOU ARE GETTING OUT OF THIS JUNGLE ALIVE!"
FWOOSH!
In an instant, using her powerful legs to propel her forward, Usagiyama launched herself towards Momo, her weapon clearly set on splitting the black-haired woman's head into two. She was inhumanly fast, and no one in the squad could stop the blade from landing on Momo's –
CLANG!
Before Momo could react, she saw two wings in front of her.
White wings.
Usagiyama, for her part, was shocked that someone had blocked her attack. A woman of blonde hair, whose sword was keeping her halberd from spilling blood.
Momo smiled, as she exclaimed, "Melissa!"
"Hey, Lieutenant," the angel smiled. "Sorry for coming late to the party, it took me a while to find you from up high. But I'm here now. Get out of the jungle, I'll keep this woman back."
"Right!" Turning to her team, she yelled. "You heard Shield! Fall back, immediately!"
The rest of the group nodded, immediately making a break for the trees, and back into the jungle, where they ended up running into Bakugou and Kirishima, of all people.
"Hey, Lieutenant!" Kirishima smiled as he ran. "Going our way?"
"You have no idea how happy I am to see you!" Momo said.
"Why the fuck are three of you wearing bunny suits?!" Katsuki asked.
BOOM!
Before Momo could answer, she turned around to see that several trees of the jungle began to fall, as Melissa and Usagiyama seemed to be… following them? What?!
"Melissa, what is going on?!" she shouted.
"This woman's super strong!" Melissa shouted, as she kept trying to keep the rabbit woman at bay. "Her power and combat ability make her on par with the Chimera, at least!"
"Who the fuck is the Chimera?!" Rin yelled in a panic.
"Shit, shit, shit!" Momo cursed, as she tried to grab her radio.
"Uh, guys? It's not just the bunny chieftess!" Kirishima pointed out.
Momo quickly turned around to see, and immediately regretted it. Not only was there aerial combat going on between Melissa and Usagiyama going on, but both the bunny tribe and the ogres were chasing after the squad, while also fighting each other!
"SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!" Momo cursed even louder, as she grabbed her radio even faster.
Neito Monoma stayed silent, as he heard the engine of the LAV purr.
As instructed by Lieutenant Yaoyorozu, he went back to camp with their equipment, and told Sato and Aoyama to pack everything up right away. Once they were done with that, he ordered the two of them to have the engines of the LAVs ready and on standby.
And now, all they had to do was wait.
That was, until suddenly, Neito's radio came to life.
"MONOMA!" Yaoyorozu's voice carried through. "MONOMA, COME IN!"
Immediately grabbing the radio, he said, "Lieutenant? What's going on –?"
"THE ENGINES! START THE FUCKING ENGINES, RIGHT FUCKING NOW!"
"Understood!" he said, as he quickly changed radio channels. "Sato! Aoyama! Start your engines! As soon as everyone's in the cars, drive as if Satan's chasing you down!"
"Roger that!"
"Oui, monsieur!"
Neito put his foot on the gas pedal, as he looked towards the trees. Immediately, he noticed them shaking, even a few of them falling, but nothing could prepare him for the shock he got when he saw everyone come out of the treeline, running for their lives.
Yaoyorozu, Uraraka, and Itsuka were still in the bunny outfits, along with Kaibara, Tsuburaba, Awase and Rin, who were for some reason still in chains, followed by Kirishima and Bakugou, who were covered in blood and viscera. Hell, the only people who seemed even relatively normal at the time were Komori and Kodai, but their expressions told a different story.
But that was just the beginning.
Following behind the group was some crazy white-haired bunny woman, who was wielding some sort of insane ax-thing, jumping in the middle of the air, and somehow fighting Shield, who had to keep dodging and weaving the insane bunny lady in midair, while also blocking her attacks with their sword, all while making sure she stayed away from the squad.
And to top it all off, an army of bunny girls and off-color Shreks, all of them fighting one another, while simultaneously chasing after the squad. WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK?!
Neito simply stared at the chaos in front of him for a good thirty seconds, before the sound of the doors being opened snapped him back to reality. Turning around, he saw that the Lieutenant, along with three more in their group had just got into his LAV.
"Lieutenant –"
"GET US THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, RIGHT NOW!"
Neito immediately stepped on the gas pedal, as did the other two LAVs, as he could hear Yaoyorozu order someone to the turret guns on top to shoot down any and all hostiles, while he could also hear the rain of arrows and spears hitting the armors of their vehicles.
Oh, and of course, Shield's anime-styled sky battle going on right above them.
After an entire hour of driving, the LAVs slowed down.
They had left the Saltu Jungles well behind them. The bunny warriors and the ogres stopped pursuing them after about twenty minutes, and they proceeded to devolve into fighting each other rather than chasing the metal carriages shooting at them.
About five minutes after that, Melissa managed to come out victorious in her battle against Usagiyama, only because she managed to slam her sword into the chieftess' stomach, plunging her straight into the earth. As the angel retreated, she could hear Usagiyama getting back up and vowing that she would hunt them all down to the edges of the world.
Now that all the danger was gone, the cars stopped.
Momo, Kendo, and Uraraka managed to change from the bunny suits to their normal uniforms, and Bakugou and Kirishima managed to clean the snake blood and viscera off their faces, while also getting a pair of clean uniforms to replace the ones completely stained in red. Meanwhile, Melissa was able to free the Chaos Corps from their chains by cutting them with her sword.
Now that everything was deathly calm again, Momo looked her entire squad dead in the eye and quietly said, "We… are never going back there again. Unless it's with an army of tanks."
Every single one of her squad members nodded in morbid agreement.
He noticed her.
During the rescue attempt, Eijiro Kirishima has noticed Mina.
She didn't know whether or not her crimson-haired hero recognized her from the attack through the gate, but if he did, what was going on through his head? What was his reaction?
Mina Ashido didn't know, and frankly, she didn't care.
Grabbing her spear, she kept following the green soldiers.
As long as they had her red-haired savior, she would follow them forever.
Author's Note: Happy New Year! Last chapter of 2023!
In terms of special announcements, please keep your eyes out for a brand-new story coming your way this January 1st! Now, onto the comments!
Norisu Ninja: Finally! A comment from ! I was starting to think that there was a bug with that comment section since it was so barren! Anyways, I'm glad you asked your question: A story where Jiro is the main protagonist? I have considered a few possibilities with her, from a city in the sky in a post-apocalyptic future, to an underwater adventure set before World War II, to even her in space! Still workshopping it!
valkrus: Last chapter's typo has been corrected. Thank you!
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