I walked out of the bathroom with... an interesting expression on my face.
'Tired' wouldn't fit it... more like 'off', as if a machine lost its charge. I was still looking the same, no doubt, but... there was an air around me that just didn't feel natural.
...
A sigh was released without my consent was heard. I usually have a better grip on my actions, but they just seem to go out without my say so. This is new to me, and not in a good way.
Beth stared up and down at me, worry plastered on her face. I smi-... I'm not smiling, This is weird. It wasn't hard for me to put up a smile before, yet I can't seem to muster such a simple action now.
"You look terrible, did something happen?" She asked me while I looked at the cameras in the corridor while frowning... what hasn't happened? At times, I think the Manager has it out for me.
...
I... don't remember ever blaming my problems on someone else... how peculiar...
My ears heard a 'Humph!' and I looked back at Beth, who had her hands on her waist, looking like an annoyed mother staring at me. Then... she began to smile in a way that had me wary.
She took a seat on the floor, lying her back against the walls of the facility, and tapped the area next to her, asking me to join her. Which... I reluctantly did, another anomaly in my behavior.
After a brief moment of silence, she began the conversation, "You look conflicted, I'm guessing your chat with an Abnormality didn't go well this time." Conflicted...
I never really felt conflicted in my actions, guess there was never someone that... well thought so much like me that I never really had anyone truly be able to present me with some kind of opposition before...
"Not really... it went well. I just heard things I never really thought about until now..." I mumbled to her, not feeling like saying anything out-loud if only because... because...
What? I never had issues with that... I never had issues with any of this...
Never did I really think about how others felt about my belief, since it was mine...
Something touched the top of my head, I glanced at Beth, and she was patting my head. I gave her an annoyed frown, "What is this?" I asked her, feeling... oddly vulnerable.
"Well... you just seem frail right now, I read about the Knight of Despair and her history. I have a good idea of what's bothering you." She replied, and suddenly she had my full attention.
"What is bothering me?" I asked her, because... I don't know, was it the fact that my belief may just let me end up like the Knight of Despair? The fact that I can't really get anyone to support my belief?
What is bothering me?
Beth sighed and gave me a slight smile, "We always know what's wrong, we just refuse to face it... what would you refuse to face?" Yeah... we ourselves always have it at the tip of our tongues...
She perked up and slowly got up while staring down at me with that same smile she started the conversation with, "I have work to do, I know you can tell what's wrong." She left while waving at me, but I...
Still didn't know...
"Trigger, get a hold of yourself before your mental corruption goes any higher, start attachment work with Knight of Despair"
Yesod... actually asked me to calm down...? No, he probably just wants me to work faster.
I walked slowly towards the chamber and entered, seeing the knight again made my chest feel heavy once more and... breath faster than usual. She greeted me with a worried smile, "I'd like to apologize if I brought about unpleasant thoughts in our last conversation..." Her expression... looks similar to mine.
"No... well I guess that's just not something I expected to happen, I'd like to think I just... overreacted." I commented, trying to not look at her in the eye, as long as I don't make eye contact... what? She'd still be there.
...
The silence was too awkward, "What did you feel?" I asked her, not knowing how to start a conversation again and feeling incredibly lost in what approach I should take.
"Pardon?" She threw a question back at me, making me realize I didn't really specify what I wanted from her.
"Along your journey... what did you feel?" I went into a bit more detail, maybe I'll find out what I'm so... unwilling to face.
She stared at me for what felt like minutes, and she clenched her forearm with force, "I... still don't know what it was, but it always felt heavy on my chest while making my knees grow weak. Never once did I ever find out what it was, but I do know that in the end... I despaired." I stared at her for a long while, trying to ignore how similar it is to what I'm feeling.
That... still doesn't tell me a lot.
...
She smiled sadly at me, "I seem to... be unable to be of any help yet again." I took one long look at her, I leaned back and stared at the roof of the chamber.
"I remember when I failed too, a guy took a fatal hit for me... and now that I think about it, at the time I felt just like right now, but I had someone to aim my emotions at and ignored it." I started feeling that it was only fair to share a bit about myself.
She took that as a sign of goodwill and gave a more... gentle smile, "Would you mind telling me more about it?" I gave her a small yet tired smile, that's progress in that department I guess...
"A friend of mine had lost themselves to their own anger and guilt, and I of course bullheaded my way towards her..." I started the small tale of my experience losing two friends.
Sure, time may have reverted... but the memory never left.
It was nice to talk with someone about it...