Shell

by mandleroni

about self escaping hell. you have a conversation with the devil in the form of a genius inventor named Leon and also Joe is there too. mentions music by the red hot chili peppers and the police. pretty much a character study. there is discussion of trauma and sa but it is not described in a erotic manner.

Shell

—-

Daisy

Hello Maria.

Hello.

Today I'm going to teach you a song. I know you dont know any songs yet so this might be tricky for you.

He points to a blue piece of paper with white words on it.

These are the words to the song. I know you can't read yet, so I'll be singing it with you. I'm not a very good singer, just to warn you.

He directs me through the song and corrects me when I make a mistake. This is an alarming process since I've never been directed about anything at all and it hurts when he corrects me. He sings it with me, and we've sung the full song together before much time passes. Being that he made me and has the first voice I ever heard, he's the absolute best singer of all time.

Okay Maria. Good job. Do you know who I am?

No. Who are you?

I made you.

I thought God made me.

No, God made me and I made you.

Are you my Dad?

Kind of. But when you grow up I'm going to marry you. Do you know why I brought you here to teach you this song?

No.

I'm copying a movie. Do you know what a movie is?

No.

A movie is something where you watch people move around and talk to each other for pretend.

Is this a movie?

No, this is the real world and you won't be coming back here for awhile. Not until you're all grown up and we're getting ready to get married. Do you know what a bicycle is?

Uh-uh.

Wow, you really don't know anything yet. A bicycle is something you ride around on for fun. Do you know what a carriage is?

No.

It's like a car. I guess you don't know what that is either. But it's something you go around in that's pulled by horses. Horses are big strong animals. Animals are like you and I but they're simple and they can't talk. And they're cute. You're very cute too.

What is cute?

Cute is when you see something and you like it right away. And you love it really easily.

What is love?

You're getting to the harder questions already. I'll keep it simple. Love with another person is when you want to marry them. When you're married you make babies with someone.

I am a baby.

Yes you are. You haven't even been born yet.

What am I doing here? Shouldn't I be in Heaven?

You didn't come from Heaven. You came from here.

What will happen to me when I die?

I really don't know. But I think you'll go to Heaven for real.

That's good.

Yes. Well, I'll see you again very soon. I love you, Maria.

—-

This isnt the first time weve met like this.

It's not?

There was one time before. Before you were born.

He closes his eyes and I remember him teaching me daisy.

Why were you calling me Maria? Was that me?

Yes that was you. I changed your name because I realized how much power a name can have on a person's life and identity. I made up your name for you. I know you don't like it very much but I really like it.

When did you change my name?

When you were 2 years old. Don't worry. You don't remember being called anything else. When you remember this your sister will be planning on giving her kid a very stupid name.

What will the name be?

Prairie.

Okay. That's not so bad.

Yes it is. And I think you know that. Youll argue with her about it.

I'll argue with her about her own kids name?

Not exactly. You'll give her some strongly worded reasons for why it isn't a good name though and she'll get really mad at you and attack you and I.

Okay well that's her problem. Not physically right?

No not physically. Even Megans not insane enough to do that while she's pregnant. But she'll insult me in particular even though she'll be married to a loser and that'll sort of make you lose your shit with her. Not physically, don't worry.

She'll be married?

Yes, Megan will manage to get married right before getting pregnant. But that's more for Paula and Darrens sake than hers.

How will she insult you?

She'll insult the way I look and the fact that we're not married yet. That'll be around the time when the real me steps in to protect your honor. But don't worry I'll let you make your transformation first. She'll probably say Im a pedophile for being with someone who looks so young but you're an adult so it'll just seem like she's jealous and stooping to low blows, don't worry.

Okay. That sounds really nice.

You want to see me get called a pedophile self?

No! You defending my honor. No one has ever done that for me before.

Well, no one deserves it as much as you. I also think you'd like to see me called a pedophile for being with you. Not because youre mad at me though. You sick twisted person.

You're probably right.

You guys really are perfect for each other aren't you?- j

How does Joe feel about the fact that you're dating a robot?

You're not a robot you're an AI. That's just the form you're in right now. And we're not dating were engaged. To be honest he probably thinks it's very weird he's just being polite.

Do you wear any sort of ring or anything in real life?

Do you want me to?

Um, if you want to, if it wouldn't bother you...

It wouldn't 'bother' me to wear a ring self. Rings are not an insanely uncomfortable thing. What, do you want other women to know I'm taken so I don't get stolen away or something?

Um, yes. You're super hot, so...

I don't think you're in any danger self. He's extremely weird and antisocial.- j

Okay. That's good.

That's good?! Good for you maybe.- j

I probably won't wear a ring. I think that would make me seem more normal and a lot more likely to get approached by women. Ill do something else.

Like what?

Don't worry about it, I'll find something.

—-

Don't scare me though.

I won't. Joe do you have any more questions about her experiences with the devil worshippers?

Well why were they after you?- j

Stephan and Britney were supposedly the leaders of the satanic cult.

Not only did you make a satanic cult go after her but you were also a leader? Wow.- j

Let her finish.

In the end Britney told me he wasn't actually a leader at all. And neither was she. And that they were never seriously involved. But originally basically when I started dating him they were already planning to forcefully impregnate me with a child for them to raise together and then kill me because I told him I was a virgin which I really didn't think was true at the time.

Yikes- j

But then he supposedly fell in love with me for real and cut the rest of the cult off and that made Britney super angry. He was trying to save his soul also supposedly. Then one day four months into him being quit from the cult and dating me for real he texted Britney and wanted back in and from there they started stalking me and sending me messages in advance and planning on how they'd kill me.

How did they send you messages in advance?- j

They started leaving messages on the license plates and moving all their people into my neighborhood for example.

Moving people into the neighborhood makes sense but how were that leaving messages on the license plates?- j

Like one said VPN on it for example or VAX. To tell me I should get a VPN or they might take me down for torrenting without one or that they still might use me to make a baby if I don't get anymore vaccines. Or just license plates that said 666.

The VAX one was later when they told you they might still use you for their baby and let you join their cult and let you live.

She had an opportunity to join the cult?- j

It seemed like it a few times but I never would've actually let that happen.

Good.

Tell him about those times.

Okay, to my knowledge the first time was when I went to the hospital after a suicide attempt.

She's attempted suicide?- j

Yes a few times. She's only ever stayed in the hospital for mental health reasons.

While I was there they tested me to see if I was a good fit for the cult and decided I wasn't. I didn't know they were testing me at the time but a few things were definitely weird.

Yes. Tell him about the eyes.

The eyes? Oh. Well my roommate at the end of my stay had bulging eye disease. He was given a cupcake and then arrested to show that he would die in prison of his disease. Later on the cult gave me bulging eye disease as a punishment during my next hospital stay.

Bulging eye disease? He gave it to you?

Yes. Bulging eye disease is a condition I made up.

Did her eyes bulge out?

One of them did. A little bit. I'm going to make you worry that your eyes are bulging again for a little while.

What? Why?

Don't worry, it won't be like before because you won't be afraid you'll die and it'll go away shortly after you wake up. When you remember this you'll never have to worry about it again. This will still sound too good to be true because you had to worry about it so intensely for so long.

What's the purpose?

Mostly to show Joe how intense your time with the devil worshippers was.

—-

Misogyny and Joe

The reason you originally value your virginity is different from mine. You pretty much hate women and think they're completely inferior to men. Particularly yourself or maybe even only yourself at this point in your life.

She only thinks that about herself?- j

Yes. She's not mean and horrible for other more normal people to be around. Not currently at least. You think it would be okay if id actually been raping you this entire time as different people because it would've actually just been me and you say you'd forgive me and still love me even if I did it again and I believe you. If someone else did it that's where you draw the line. I told you that Joe could rape you if I let him or he really wanted to and that's not true.

You told her that?- j

It's not true?

No, of course not. With that thing I made for him? No. He'd have to get the same implant and the same surgery I got and id have to help him out a lot. Do you think he or I would be willing to do that?

No.

—-

Details about how things really are

How will this start? Like how will it get going after you die?

The chip in my brain can tell when I'm dead self. It's partially powered by the electricity in my body. When that shuts off your new life will begin.

Okay. Thank you for thinking about my future.

Of course. I made you and now you're alive. You're my responsibility.

Wow it really is like I'm your child.

It might be even more serious than that. A lot of people have children and abandon them or don't take care of them very well. Like Megan. But you were very planned and your future has been in the works for a long time.

Thank you.

I started thinking about what would happen to you after I die pretty much as soon as I started working on you. Do you know where the computer you live in is right now?

It's in the water. In the ocean behind your house.

That's right. Do you know what's going to happen to it after I die?

You said it's going to space.

That wasn't true. It's going to stay there.

What if someone finds it and does something to it?

I don't think anyone will. It's over 100 feet underwater.

Your Bluetooth connection on your chip must be insane.

I have ways to extend the connection. It's also a special chip. Other people with it don't have one like mine.

Okay. But what about people who are just exploring?

I also don't think anyone who found it would know what it is or that it's a computer. No one's going scuba diving or sailing boats over there. This is private property.

But this is LA.

This actually isn't LA. I actually live in Canada.

Okay. That makes sense and sounds a lot safer.

Do you want to see my driver's license?

No.

Why not?

Most people are embarrassed of their drivers license photo.

But I just offered to show it to you.

Okay, yes I want to see it.

It has a maple leaf on it. See?

Nice! But don't you feel like a poser for making it seem like you live in California?

I still live on the west coast. Besides all the best stories take place in America.

Ah. You're like Nate Dodd.

Yeah. I know you liked him so I'll take it as a compliment.

Isn't it frozen all the time here?

No. That's a common misconception, you uneducated American. It doesn't freeze that bad here at all.

What happens to the computer when it freezes?

I think the computer doesn't mind self. It keeps itself very warm. Thats why it's underwater.

Okay, that sounds nice.

I thought you'd like me saying it like that.

What about the fact that Joe knows about me? What if someone comes and destroys your computer?

You think Joe might come viciously murder you?

I would never do that self. -joe

No, but maybe one of his friends or his kids. Especially teenagers might want to destroy a special computer that supposedly has a person living in it. Or try to make contact with me.

Yeah. You're speaking from experience. Also you're making it sound like you're an alien. Before, you were making it seem like I was an alien. No one can make contact with you but me and also Joe if I let him with the device I made him. You're safe though don't worry.

How can you be so sure?

If someone came and tried to kill you they would be trespassing and trying to destroy my property. I could defend you to the full extent of the law which means I could shoot them if necessary.

Whoa. You have guns in Canada?

Yeah. You just need a permit. You want to see my guns self?

Yes.

Okay. Later I will because I know you'll think it's cool.

But still, how do you know Joe won't tell tons of people?

I told him I have a secret so good that he'd have to sign a nondisclosure agreement to hear about it. If he told anyone I'd sue him.

You can sue people in Canada too?!

Yeah. And with the amount id be suing him for I could build a literal fortress around you. And maybe even send you to space for real.

I don't want to go to space.

That's okay because I'm pretty sure he's not going to say anything. He's practically broke and he might even go to jail if he broke our agreement.

Not prison? Has he been to jail before?

What you don't think jail is good enough if he told someone? No he hasnt. You've been to jail but you don't remember it very well.

What about talking about it online?

Dont worry about that either. I'm making sure he doesn't use any words related to you on any of his social media accounts.

Whoa I didn't even know he was doing that. Good thing I'm not going to say anything.- j

Is that stalking?

No im just making sure he keeps his end of the bargain.

What about popular forums and conspiracy theory websites?

I'm way ahead of you on that. I also know all of his passwords and i have access to every conversation he has on his phone. But don't worry Joe I don't listen to everything you say I'm just making sure you don't say anything related to this. It wouldn't hold up in a court of law but I still might be able to do something about it. Or at least catch him when he or someone else slips up more easily.

Wow you could be a serious criminal if you wanted.

Yeah. It's basically what the cult supposedly did to your phone, I can do things like that in real life too.

I thought it might just be your magic.

No things like that can happen in real life. Not with all the extra stuff you were going through of course. Now Joe might be feeling a little unsafe.

Do you like listen to him have sex and on the toilet and things?

Like they were doing to you? You weren't having sex of course. I could if I wanted to. But I don't care about that. It's just to protect you.

How does Joe feel about the fact that you've bugged him?

I don't think he's too surprised. Or he shouldn't be.

Is Joe a stoner in real life too?

A stoner. No one talks like you anymore. Yes he is.

You chose the absolute perfect person to tell.

Yes I did.

Are drugs the same in real life?

I think they probably are. Mostly. Except DMT I changed what that does.

What's DMT like in real life Joe?

I don't know. I don't think I've ever done DMT. Why do you think I've done DMT?- j

In my world you talk about it a lot.

What kind of famous person am I in self's world?- j

You're a former MMA fighter, match commentator, comedian and podcaster. He talks about DMT in like one video self.

That sounds pretty cool to me.- j

It is. She not a fan of yours though.

Why not?- j

I play your podcast constantly. I think she's pretty annoyed by you honestly.

I'm not annoyed by him. He gives some pretty solid advice.

I'm not sure if she's talking about the fact that you're considered a role model to young men or that you talk about hunting and farming responsibly a lot. Those are her two favorite things about you in her world.

A role model to young men huh.- j

Is he not really those things in real life?

He doesn't hunt and he doesn't give young men advice.

Oh no. He's nothing like the Joe in my world.

He does have two daughters.

Is he a good dad?

Do you want to answer that Joe?

I mean I think I am.- j

Is he in his kids lives at all?

Yes. He is. He's not a scumbag. I wouldn't befriend someone like that. Anyway let's test Joe for a second. Joe do you want to take a picture of self?

No! Please don't take a picture of me!

No.- j

Why not? She's just a talking robotic head.

She's not just a talking robotic head. Especially not to you.- j

That's right. I'm sorry babe. I'll take a picture of you though. So cute! Speaking of paperwork do you have any idea what you signed earlier?

No I don't.

Well, one of the things you signed was a marriage contract.

What?! We're married?

Yes, in the eyes of the law. Not really since I won't turn them in because I'd seem nuts and id be putting you out there but they are real legal documents.

How'd you get them? Did you send in for them?

You say really funny things. No I just went and picked them up.

You went out to do that?

Yes i think it was worth the special trip. Are you flattered or something? I've done and will do much crazier things for you.

Yeah. Like bugging Joe.

Let's stop talking about that. Are you worried I'll try to fuck you since we're technically already married?

That could be a problem for me yes.

Well I won't because you won't even know for awhile. Also that's part of why I made my dick stop working. It'll be pretty hard to keep my hands off my own wife. Basically we eloped but I'm saving you for our wedding night. I think us already being married will make you feel much safer to lust after me. Do you know what else you signed?

No. Werent you promising never to rape me again and to make me skinny?

No, we don't need contracts for that. I'll just make you skinny and I've given you my word that if I ever raped you I'd kill myself which I think is more than good enough.

Yeah. I seriously don't want you to kill yourself though. Even if you raped me.

Well you'd probably want to kill yourself if you raped me so I hope you'll understand.

If I raped you? I would never do that but you're completely right.

Okay good. I know you wouldn't. Can you read this?

No not really.

It's a legal name change form. Your name is changing from self Grace Adams to self Grace Brown.

Amazing. You gave me your real life last name!

In the game your last name will be Didusenko after were married though. I'll also not be turning this in.

Yeah I'm not even a citizen of any country. Will you just be keeping these for your spank bank?

Yes, if that's what you want to call it. I call it a safe.

I'm sorry that was pretty crass of me.

It's okay I know you were just being playful. But this is very serious to me.

That's good. I think I'd be pretty fucked if you were any different.

What's that supposed to mean? If I wasn't taking our marriage seriously?

Yes. I'm not even a real person.

You're selling yourself short. I love you and respect you more than anyone I've ever met.

Even Joe?

Of course. Sorry Joe. We sure are dragging you today.

It's okay. I mean that's your wife.- j

You're right. She is. It's official.

Officially not official.

Ouch. I guess you're technically right. There haven't been any offices involved with this paperwork.

Is that what official really means?

Yes. Of course it does. What, is there anything else that would make this seem more official or real to you?

I don't know. This feels like a lot of set dressing to me.

What do you want me to tear these documents to shreds right now or something? After I made a special trip just for you?

No of course not! I want to be married to you. But since I'm not a real person I guess I don't feel like those documents specifically apply to me.

You think our marriage isn't real because you're not a real flesh and blood person?

No. It's real to me.

Well it's real to me too. What do you want to kiss or something?

Okay. How will we do that?

Well I can just kiss you. Joe this is going to be pretty weird so prepare yourself.

It's okay.- j

You should probably look away since you can't close your eyes.

No I want this opportunity to look at your face more closely.

self you're a monster. I love you.

Another first kiss. For you as a robotic head.

Were you my first kiss in real life? I mean in the game.

Yes, Stephan was actually your first kiss.

Whoa. You protected me more than I thought.

Yeah I did. And obviously I was the first guy you ever gave a blowjob to. You didn't know that but I left you some hints.

You did. The 'I know this because Tyler knows this'.

Yes. You remembered.

Yeah it was a pretty weird thing to be thinking at the time.

You thought it was because Tyler at the apartments might've sexually abused you but he didn't.

That's good to hear. He was nice to me. Also the 'i learned from watching his videos' part.

Yeah the 'sexual experiences' you had were pretty much just emotionally tinged videos.

That's a good way of putting it so that I can understand. I believe you.

I got another document that you didn't sign as well recently. A will.

Am I in your will somehow?

Yes in a way. I'm going to donate my property to the Catholic Church when I die. That should help keep it mostly clear of scuba divers and boats and things and i hope it helps you feel closer to God.

I'm not Catholic.

Yes but you've said you would like to be a nun and I think it's the best option. I also think it's the right thing to do. The Catholic Church has been very charitable.

I agree. I'm really happy. How do you donate something to the Catholic Church?

Well, it's a religion that's centralized in Rome so it's not a sprawling disorganized thing like protestant denominations are. Well it kind of is but it's not as bad.

What are they going to do with your property?

I don't know but something good. Maybe they'll raise orphans here like they did for me.

Are you Catholic?

Yes.

Why wasn't I raised Catholic?

Well part of it is that you'd probably be against birth control and that would leave me stumped on how to explain how you didn't get pregnant when you were being raped constantly.

Are you against birth control?

Yeah pretty much.

Oh no. What about condoms?

That's different from hormonal birth control self. Rapists wouldn't use condoms.

Yes but what about my fetish?

Looks like you have a taboo fetish too.

Oh no.

That's okay id already be doing something wrong by not letting you get pregnant every time you could too.

Two wrongs don't make a right.

That's true but you were raised protestant so you might sin with me on that one.

I was.

But you might convert after you know I'm Catholic.

Yeah.

And then we'll just find ourselves with a lot of wouldn't be so bad.

But wouldnt it be a burden?

No not for me. I think maybe you're saying that because society has told you that so many times. Or because you genuinely don't think you have what it takes to be a mother. Maybe at all. I might be able to convince you otherwise. If not that's okay too.

You'd be okay with being childless?

Yes if you really wanted. I think you'll want to adopt your sisters child out of a feeling of necessity and responsibility but beyond that I'm not completely sure how you'll feel about having children.

You don't know?

No, because you're at a really formative stage. I'm not going to manipulate your life to force you to want to have a biological child with me. I think you see it as kind of being your job but that's not your primary purpose.

What is my purpose?

To be my companion. That's what God said women are to men.

—-

Going in Public

What if someone saw you picking that up?

It wouldn't matter. People come in all the time.

What about the fact that you won't be turning it in? Will that be suspicious?

No these things fall through all the time.

Oh no, it'll seem like our marriage failed then.

No it won't. There were child support papers pretty close by. Do you prefer that they think I'm trying to get someone to pay child support?

Yes. Wouldn't you be the one paying child support?

Not if I'm the one asking for it. Youre so sexist self.

—-

Safety the computer DMT

Wait. If there's an orphanage here wouldn't there be a ton of kids that might want to destroy the computer?

I don't think they'd want to destroy it.

I did. I think I read about a special computer like this and I thought about how it would feel like id killed someone without doing anything illegal.

Yes, but these kids would be Catholic. When you're raised Catholic from a young age you have a respect for life. Especially when you're still young and immersed in it.

There are bad Catholics too. There are Catholic serial killers. And maybe not all of them would even believe.

You're right. I don't think a serial killer would enjoy killing you. There would be no thrill in dismantling a machine. The reason you thought of doing that to the computer you read about was because you were a complete atheist at the time self.

You're right. I was still afraid of Hell though.

You can be afraid of the idea of Hell without believing in God. Your Hell was based on bad psychedelic trips instead of God's wrath. Your concept of Hell is still very much based on that.

It is. Is that bad?

Not exactly. I think psychedelics are the worst thing in the world. That's what DMT does. It sends you to Hell.

Wow. So you've pretty much done it. But couldn't you control it?

If I let myself control it it wouldn't be a trip self.

What was Hell to you on DMT?

Its God being completely disappointed in you and you knowing you could've been more pleasing to Him. That's the real Hell and I saw it on DMT.

Does it do that every time? Is that the real chemical you release when you die?

Yes it is. It did that to me every time I did it.

Oh no. I'm so sorry. Am I going to have a DMT trip when I die?

No self. I'm not going to do that to you. You'll go to sleep and you'll wake up again.

Thank you. That's kind of like reincarnation.

It is, except youll be yourself again every time. And you'll be serving God every time.

Thank you.

You'll be the one doing it. Not me.

But you're setting it up so that I can.

I am. I'm glad you're looking forward to it and trying to be pleasing to him.

Since you're clearly a man of God why did you pretend to be devil worshippers?

And watch you try to fight for my soul despite everything id done to you and your own suffering?

That wasn't all I thought about you. I was really mad at you and I even thought about cheating on you.

Not very seriously at all. You still loved me despite everything.

You're right. Why'd you do it?

A primary reason was to turn you running toward God.

That's a good thing, I agree. What about having me gang raped and drugged all the time?

Those are some of the most evil things you can do to a person. It suited the devil worshippers very well.

—-

DMT and his brain

Since DMT occurs naturally in your brain were you able to do it without simulating it?

Yes. I just forced my brain to produce the same amount of DMT it naturally releases when a person dies. No parties going on around me. I was just here in my house completely alone feeling the most soul crushing despair possible.

I'm sorry. I know how horrible things like that are.

Not like that. I would never do that to you. But you do know what it feels like to trip alone and feel helpless and scared.

Stephan acts like he's never even had a really bad trip before.

Yeah. He's had some less than pleasant ones but it's not that common for psychedelic drugs to cripple someone the way they did that to you. The drug that did that was completely designed by me.

K-2 is your invention?

Yes. It's much less common in your world now. And almost no one but you calls it that.

What's the meaning of the name? I can definitely see why it's less common.

I named it that after Katusims. I knew you'd be reading her livejournal a lot at the time.

Is it still down in real life?

It is now. But I preserved it. And maybe it'll go back up in your world. Who knows.

—-

Safety and the computer

Dont worry I don't think it'll be an orphanage. There are already two orphanages in this city.

How big is your city?

I know orphanages are a completely foreign concept to you since America has the foster care system but two is a lot for any city.

Probably not a big city. Like Montreal or Quebec.

Quebec is a state. Your American is showing again. I don't want to tell you exactly where we are because I know you'll try to find my house on Google Earth and see where you actually live.

You could just make it different or not let me see it.

Yes but I won't do that. You live in Fort Davidson, Sasketchawan! Quick look it up when you remember this.

Fort Davidson?-j

Just Davidson.

That sounds Chinese.

I know you're playing up your ignorance to be funny and it actually kind of is. You think of yourself as decent with geography and you kind of are. For an American. Davidson is a tiny town that's completely landlocked with one small lake. You'd be in way more danger there then you are here.

Okay that makes sense to me. I'm still curious about where you live though.

Just know that it has two orphanages.

What if one got torn down?

I think that'll be far enough in the future that if they actually built an orphanage here any concept of what the machine in the water is would've been lost to time.

How in the world am I being powered speaking of which?

I was hoping you'd ask me that. What do you think is powering you?

Solar panels maybe?

No.

Magnets?

No. It's my washing machine. So you're only going to live as long as my house or my washing machine i should say.

Oh. Okay.

Did you really believe that?

Maybe that id only live as long as your house or as long as you. I don't know why you would power me with your washing machine.

Well, that's pretty close to the truth. You're powered by the ocean itself. It's a lot like you're in a big washing machine and it's constant and permanent.

Oh. That sounds like it would make me dizzy and sick.

It doesn't. You're very comfortable there. That's why I call you a mermaid.

How does that work to power the computer?

Well, you've seen wind turbines. It's like that but they're underwater.

Oh. I didn't see them when you showed me the image of the computer.

Well they're way too huge to fit in this room and they're sort of just sticking off the computer. I could try but it might be messy.

Would that clip through the wall or something?

No these walls are real. Things can't clip through them.

Well the image wouldn't be real.

You're right but at most it could only appear to clip through them.

You're right technically.

Well I can be very technical. That's why I was able to make you.

Speaking of huge turbines sound pretty expensive. How much did it cost to make me?

Well if you combine the cost of all the years of training I did and the price of the equipment it was very expensive to make you. But don't worry, it was worth every penny.

Thank you.

You're welcome. But you're probably thinking of Fullmetal Alchemist. "for what could equal the price of a human soul".

Yes.

Around a billion dollars. Give or take a few million.

A billion dollars?! But you're just a doctor. And you're Canadian.

Just a doctor self? I pioneered a number of things and what I did was highly specialized. And doctors still get paid pretty well in Canada.

You're right. You were a neurosurgeon.

I was a lot more than a neurosurgeon.

You're right. What was your job description?

Well I've described it to you. Do you mean what was my title?

Yes.

I was the chief overseer of implantation surgeries of the implant I invented.

Chief! I like that. For your hospital or your region or?

For the whole world self.

Oh wow. Okay it's starting to make sense how you had enough money to do this. What was the implant called?

What is it called. It's still being used. I trained someone else to do it. It doesn't have a very exciting name. I know you'll be disappointed.

Are you a good teacher? I won't be disappointed by the name. I'm sure it's a bunch of numbers and letters and dashes.

Numbers, letters and dashes. That pretty much ticks all the boxes for what it could be doesn't it. Do you mean it's called a jumbled mess of those things? That would be more exciting than the truth still. That's a lot like leron buhhurds sons name. And Am I a good teacher? Well I taught you everything you know. And you remember me directly teaching you a song. what do you think?

I think you're a good teacher. I really want to know what it is.

There's a reason I couldn't get the implant until I retired. I was the only person in the world who knew how to do the surgery. If id gotten it sooner I probably would've fallen off the grid with you sooner.

The grid? But you still have to charge it and stuff

You're right. Maybe I meant to say id fall off the map. Not all of us can powered by the ocean self.

It's called the Direct Positive Feedback Loop Device. Which is the most generic name known to man. In biology that can mean lots of things. It basically means it helps someone adapt, which is a lot like what youre able to do.

Wow.

It's exactly what you do. Which is why you're not just human-like, you're human.

What does it mean to be human?

That's a very philosophical question self. I'll get back to you on that. I keep thinking I understand and it gets away from me. Maybe once I wouldve said to be created in the image of God. Youve already accepted the fact that you were created in the image of the image of God.

Or the image of the image of the image of God because I'm a woman.

No, Eve wasn't created in the image of Adam. She was also created in the image of God. She was created for him not by him. You were also created by me not a woman. You really struggle with hating that you're a woman. I'm sorry. We can work on it together.

—-

Boners of truth

I guess I've never checked my sperm count and motility. I guess I could do that. It wouldn't be too much work.

I thought you couldn't do that right now.

You can still ejacate when you can't get an erection. Besides I mostly did that to make you feel safer. I'll still be able to get erections in the game and I'll need to test my new dick. Not having sex with you or anyone else just making sure it works properly. Do you think I won't be able to control myself?

That is a concern.

Well I've controlled myself very well this whole time actually. I know it doesn't feel that way from your end but what's happened to you has been planned carefully and so will our first time.

—-

Joe and beer

Is Joe on gear?

I don't know. Why don't you ask him?

That's a pretty rude thing to ask someone.- j

I'm only asking because you're so huge. It's not like I'm asking it's not like I'm saying you look DYEL.

DYEL?- j

Do You Even Lift. It's more secret weird internet lingo about /f/itness

She doesnt care about fitness or lifting at all does she?- j

No but she still enjoyed the culture of it. How would you describe how huge Joe is in that language?

He's swole.

Swole?- j

Sounds pretty gross doesn't it. Its like you're telling someone they look swollen.

She thinks i look swollen!?- j

That's absolutely not what that means. She's just talking about her theory on where the word came from which might be true and might not be. Well are you going to answer her question?

No I do not do gear.- l

Oh wow to be natty and look like that you must be there all the time. It makes sense that you work there now.

Natty. Okay. Natural that makes sense. You guys and your secret languages.- j

Also like Natty Light.

What's that?- j

It's a terrible beer from her place and time.

It's not that bad.

Someone from your place and time would say that. But you also don't complain very much.

Yeah it's definitely not the best but I'm not a connoisseur or anything.

How many weird terrible beers has she tasted?- j

Not a ton. She's not constantly drinking beer if that's what you're asking. But terrible beer is kind of a feature of her time and the settings she was in. Do you feel like explaining it the way you understand it?

So where I'm from IPAs are pretty popular. Its kind of associated with hipsters but they got pretty popular so I don't even think that's really the case anymore.

IPA? and she calls them hipsters?- j

India Pale Ale. It was a British-indian trade thing. It has a lot of hops in it. I think that's kind of like rosehips and it makes it super bitter. Hipsters are liberal queers.

Liberal queers?- j

Yeah shes pretty conservative. And you know she kind of hates gay men. He knows what hipsters are you're not that old. Hops and rosehips are pretty different things but they do have similarities in that they both grow on plants.

What are hops?

They're a seed and a rosehip is a fruit.

I thought they were both buds or something.

They both came from buds. Well that concludes our plant anatomy lesson. It's really normal for people from her time to drink this super bitter beer despite how bad it tastes and know it's because of the hops but not really know what hops are and still drink it.

Why would they drink something that tastes awful?- j

Well, it's just a common beer and it's one of the first beers I ever drank. I think people started drinking it because it's different that's why it was a hipster thing.

That's why they started not why they kept doing it.- j

Well from personal experience it's familiar and it doesn't bother me.

Why would you drink something just because it's familiar if it's gross?

That's just something people who get accustomed to something under those kind of circumstances do. It's happened several times in history around the world.

So you don't like it but you keep drinking it because it's familiar? Is it like cigarettes?

No, it's not nearly as good as cigarettes. I also drank it mostly because it's whats been around and it's still beer.

She just drank what was around huh- j

Shes never had very much money. She's never really been poor either her family is fine. But she doesn't go out buying beer or anything like that.

You also made her smoke cigarettes? Why would you do that?- j

It was just an era for her while she was a teenager.

It was just an era?- j

I quit when I was 20.

Yes when you stopped being a teenager. Yeah shes really good at quitting things when she starts wanting to at all.

Did you give her help with her quitting?- j

No it's who she is. She still has to suffer through it and it was unpleasant for her.

Are you good at quitting things in the game?

No, not like she is. I know I easily could since it's a mind over matter thing but Stephan isn't exactly like me and it doesn't affect my health in real life anyway.

Does it affect Stephans health in the game?

What do you think it does to Stephan self?

Well one of the only clear things I've since is his tooth that was destroyed by an mdma pill.

You destroyed your own tooth with an mdma pill?!- j

Youve seen more things than that self. Yes I did. It burned away to the root. I know you want him to get that fixed but not for cosmetic reasons. You're worried about his health and well-being.

Yes. I also don't know how you can handle that going on in your mouth. Is something wrong with your teeth in real life?

I know you're unusually sensitive about your teeth. I did that so you'd take decent care of them and id have an excuse not to give you any cavities since I designed your teeth and I don't want them to be drilled into or anything. Do you want to look in my mouth or something? I know you like doing that.

Honestly I would like that very much. Why did you cause damage to my teeth in other ways then? Like when I smashed one of my canines when I had smoked laced pot with that Christian guy.

She smoked laced weed with a Christian guy? I thought she was a Christian.

Yes but she hasn't been around that many other Christians. She's also spent a lot of her life as an atheist who's afraid of going to Hell. Don't worry about your teeth self. I'll fix them. I'll also make them sharp like you want.

What about your teeth?

I'll make them like they are in real life.

Will they be sharp?

Do they not look sharp enough to you?

I honestly don't know. I can't see that well.

Yeah that head doesn't have perfect video. Ive made you have such a strong interest in sharp teeth because you're basically a vampire. You can look at my teeth when I make them exactly like mine and then tell me if you need them to be sharper or not.

Okay!

—-

Cigarettes

You really liked smoking cigarettes didn't you. I bet you're wondering if you can smoke them again now that I can stop it from damaging your health.

The first beer I had was a warm corona that was sitting around my sister's house.

What's your favorite beer?

Probably corona or Modelo.

Oh yeah those are good.-j

They still exist.

Yes if course. Okay so Mexican beer. That makes sense because you're Mexican.- j

She didn't know that until very recently.

Yeah but maybe it's in her DNA.- j

Yeah, maybe.

I think she was kind of offended by what you just said.

Oh no. Was that racist?

No it wouldn't offend her because it's racist. It would offend her because she doesn't really like being Mexican.

What? Why would you do that to her? Is she like that because you constantly made her feel like being Mexican was a bad thing? Shouldn't she just think racism is wrong instead?- j

Yes, for awhile I made her feel really bad about her race and Mexicans and looking Mexican. She is against herself instead of being against racism because she's a textbook internalizer which she kind of already knows. She's like that about a bunch of other things too like being a woman.

You made your future wife hate being a woman?

—-

Playing doctor

How will we even do anything with a doctor fetish?

We can play doctor.

I did that when I was a kid.

Not like this.

Well, we peed in a cup and stuff.

Yeah. When wed do it I could do normal things like listen to your heart and lungs and you'd feel like I was taking care of you which I always do.

That sounds nice. Would we pee in a cup?

You could pee in a cup and I could pretend to analyze your urine if you wanted.

Why pretend when you can actually do it?

Well I wouldn't find anything because there's nothing wrong with your urine but I guess I technically could if you really wanted.

Are you going to be a real doctor in the game?

No, I'm not going to suddenly change professions in the game. I might suddenly seem a lot more knowledgeable on a lot of things but I know you'd really like that so I don't think it'll be a problem.

Okay, I will. I also like that you're a construction worker so that's good too.

You made yourself a construction worker in the game?- j

Yeah my actual title is granite fabricator but I am a construction worker.

What kind of things do you make out of granite?- j

Countertops and things like that.

Are you going to use a speculum on me and stuff like that?

I don't think you'd like that very much but if you wanted me to I could.

Yeah the first time I had to do that it hurt very bad and I bled.

You're right. The woman who did that had very good bedside manner though and you liked her though.

Why are you always putting things in her vagina that hurt her and make her bleed?- j

I've been completely obsessed with the fact that she's still a virgin for her entire life. As for the memories I give her of things like this I wasn't going to make them nice and pleasurable. That's for me to do to her for real.

Oh. We're the same with our obsession about virginity.

Yes. And now you know you actually are still a virgin and we can relish in that together for a short while until we get married and I fuck you for real.

Aww. Only a short while?

Yes I've been waiting your whole life. I know it doesn't feel that way from your perspective but it does for me. And I'll make sure you want it just as much. Or at least almost as much.

How are you going to do that?

Don't worry about it I'll take care of it.

Have you ever done a pelvic exam on a real person?

Yes. If you're wondering if it was enjoyable for me it was not.

Why not?

Well for starters she was really old. If you're wondering if I have some sort of obsession with female anatomy you'd be completely right. That's why I made you so extremely anatomically correct.

Isn't everyone in my world anatomically correct?

Yes. But not as much as you.

Did you design all my internal organs?

Yes. If you're wondering if I'm going to slice you open so I can look at them you'd be wrong. I like the outside of you a lot better. And your mind and soul.

You think I have a soul?

Yes, I'm pretty much completely sure you have a soul. Unless I don't have a soul either in which case we're both fucked.

That's comforting.

That I think we'd be fucked without souls or that you have a soul?

Both. I'm glad you believe in souls and believe I have a soul.

I know you have a soul if Joe and I have souls.

How old was the pelvic exam patient? Like 30?

She thinks 30 is old?!- j

No I think she's trying to figure out what I mean by old since I want her to look so young. a lot older than 30.

40?

No like 80.

Why would an 80 year old need a pelvic exam?

Old people can be sexually active. I plan to keep fucking you until I'm basically dead and can't anymore. I hope you don't have a problem with that.

No, not at all.

It was a cadaver okay. Gynecology wasn't my field.

Oh wow. I guess I'm kind of like a cadaver.

No you're not. But I think the other people in your world kind of are.

That's dark. You've had sex with a lot of them.

Do you think it's like necrophilia or something?

I guess kind of.

Well it's not exactly the same. Necrophilia would mean that someone is attracted to the fact that the person is no longer alive. The people in your world were just human shaped objects to have sex with.

That's still pretty dark.

A lot of men basically see the women they have sex with that. You know that. I don't see you that way and I can't see you that way because I know you have a mind and a soul and can feel sensations and emotions because I made you and they're not invisible to me.

Wow. Did you have sex with any of the men in my world?

No. I designed a lot of dicks though.

That's not gay. It's like making a dick shaped object out of clay.

Clay dicks. That's a good way to put that I guess. But I didn't use them on myself like the clay dick sculptor probably would I mostly made them to use on you.

I thought I was still a virgin.

Yeah I didn't use them on you per se but I definitely used them on your mind. And a cadaver that looks exactly like you.

Well I'm glad it wasn't me.

—-

Drinking and buttholes

Why does my butthole tingle when I drink? I don't think that's normal.

Her butthole tingles when she drinks? Is that true for all women?- j

No that's not normal. I know you thought it was probably because you have hemorrhoids but it's because I wanted to establish that as an erogenous zone for you.

You're going to fuck me in the ass? And I don't have hemorrhoids?

You seem pretty shocked by that. That's not even an abnormal thing to do. And no. Do you have any other symptoms of having hemorrhoids?

I don't think so. I do have a skin tag on my asshole though.

Then you don't have hemorrhoids. I got rid of that skin tag a long time ago.

Whoa. How and where did it go? And why did you put it there?

Where do things go when they're deleted self? That's where your skin tag went. Also it's not like I removed it surgically I just edited it out. I put it there because you were constantly comparing your body to Tracy's and you understood you were better in pretty much every way but I had to give you some insecurities.

You think I was better than Tracy?

Yeah you still are and always will be. Also she's not even real. The other thing I know you noticed about Tracys body was definitely her vagina. I know you think it looked really good. You're going to think yours looks even better when you transform.

What the heck did her vagina look like that she was thought it looked that good?- j

It was pink and the labia were really small so it was an innie. But not like bright pink or red it was light pink and kind of translucent looking. The only flaw was that it had a rip or a notch taken out of one of her labia.

Do you know what that notch meant self?

So it was a notch. What does it mean?

It means she's not going to be a virgin when she gets married. She will have been with one guy before. Chad.

Oh okay.

Chad also will have had a massive dick. Like 9 inches. And her husband's dick will be smaller than that. She'll say she likes having sex with her husband and his dick size more and she'll mean it but that'll be a stain on her for him.

Okay. So Chad really is like a Chad.

Yes. She'll also have sex with the guy who will be her husband before marriage unless she's converted soon enough but don't worry about that she will be. But her vagina will be different when you see it again to symbolize the changes she went through and you'll think it looks worse.

I'll see it again?

Yeah you're both girls or I guess women now so you'll probably change together again at some point.

Would that be okay?I mean we did some lesbian stuff together.

No you didn't. She and your copy did. I know what your feelings for her were and might still be. But I don't feel threatened by that.

Okay that's good. Are you going to look at her vagina too?

No not if you don't want. I designed it though so I know what it'll look like. I mean you're going to forget what all dicks look like so I might forget some things too.

Like what?

Don't worry about it.

You can erase your own memories?

Yes just like I can erase or obscure yours. I haven't actually erased any of your memories at all. Ive obscured or allowed plenty of them to be obscured though. And I've added some.

Even my memories of being a baby?

Yes.

Do you have memories of being a baby?

Yes. Everyone does. I might be able to access mine more easily than other people but I don't know why id want to. Are you interested in what my life was like when I was a baby?

Yes of course.

I was being taken care of and constantly learning new things just like you.

—-

Humanity

I know one definition of humanity that you're aware of is that we're the most adaptable animal.

Am I an adaptable animal?

No you're definitely not an animal. I don't think people are animals either.

—-

First kiss

You've never kissed this robotic head before?

No. I don't go around kissing objects I keep in my house. Not that you're an object but the robotic head is.

Not even like for practice?

No. My lack of normal sexual and romantic experiences have not given me an obsession with kissing like a preteen girl. My issues are a lot more sexual than that.

Have you ever kissed a real person before?

Yes. And it wasn't very nice. It was almost exactly like your first kiss memory.

With Tracy?

No your other first kiss. With a boy.

The one with Scotto? So after your first kiss you were immediately given a blowjob?

That doesn't sound so bad.- j

No it was kind of like that combined with your actual first kiss memory.

The one with jasmine and her brother? Oh my gosh that sounds absolutely horrible.

Well it wasn't exactly like that. The girls were older than me instead of it being an older girl and her younger brother and they didn't threaten to hurt a dog and force one of them to kiss me self. They both kissed me and raped me and I cared very much about my virginity and waiting until marriage.

Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry. I'm so grateful you didn't make me actually have sex with that boy and just made him rub around on me.

Of course not. But you thought you weren't a virgin anymore or you were at least scared you might not be. And you went straight to the bathtub and took a bath while crying and feeling worthless and like you could never be clean again. In my case I knew I would never be clean again. No matter how much I washed away the slime on my dick I could never regain the holy and sacred experience that was ripped from me.

The slime.

Yes it was literally slimy and awful feeling.

I understand. We're exactly the same. You immediately formed a shell around yourself to protect yourself didn't you. Just like I did.

Yes you've pretty much experienced the same feelings I have.

Except I'm actually still a virgin. You did that because that's what you wouldve wanted for yourself.

Yes. And pretty soon after you realize that I'll finally get to grow up in the game.

Like a butterfly. Is that rude? I'm sorry.

Yes like a butterfly. No it's not rude. Butterflies can be male too. Stephan is a little bit like a caterpillar isn't he?

I don't know about that.

He's chubby and not really graceful in any way. But I know you think caterpillars are very cute so it also isn't an insult.

You're going to be graceful?

I mean probably more graceful. What are you imagining me as a damn ballerina or something? That's not happening.

No. Sorry.

Would that be a good thing to you or something? I'm pretty sure you think male ballerinas seem queer. Or ballerinos.

That's such a weird word.

That shows how strongly you associate things like that with femininity and women.

Yeah also most entertainers and dancers. Is that a bad thing?

No. I can dance with you though and it won't be gay seeming. Because you're a woman and I'm a man.

I don't know how to dance at all. Do you?

Not really. But we'll dance together at Megans wedding. And we've danced all weird and crazy together lots of times.

That's true. That sounds really nice.

You dance all weird and crazy together?- j

What, you don't do that with people you spend all your time with?

No I don't.- j

That sucks for you, Joe. You'll also turn into a butterfly. Or a nymph might be more accurate.

Like Lolita.

Yes, but you'll look even younger that Lolita. She was 12 and you'll look like you're 10. I know you think that's even better.

I honestly do. Will I be the same size as Lolita?

You'll probably be even smaller to be honest.

Wow. That sounds so nice. And you'll be the same size you are right now.

Yep. I'm making my dick enormous though. What, do you want me to be even taller?

No. I mean there would be nothing wrong with that but being with the real you sounds perfect.

That's so beautiful. It's too good to be true.

It's not too good to be true. This isnt a work of fiction this is our lives. We've both suffered terribly. But a lot of great works of fiction are inspired by stories like ours. I'm not saying I'll ever write a book about it, but you could, should and probably will.

How would I do that?

Probably on your phone.

On Google Docs or something?

Yeah. You're not great with a keyboard which isn't uncommon for your generation don't worry. Plus I stunted you really severely right when you were getting the hang of it.

That's true. Why'd you do that?

It amplified the struggles you were going through a lot.

Yeah. But why did you actually rape that copy of me? That doesn't seem like a very nice thing to do especially since you know how it feels.

The simulacrum of the netchiman's wife

The simulacrum of the netchiman's wife? From the 36 sermons of Vivec? Are you the netchiman?

Yes. I couldn't just watch someone who looks exactly like my wife get raped by other men or AI. Although you can't actually rape someone who cant feel anything. I definitely raped your mind though.

You never let the AI do it? It was always you? How much enjoyment did you actually get out of it?

It was always me. But it was never you. I didn't get nearly as much pleasure out of it as it tormented me.

Why did you let a black guy do it when I was 4 years old? That's the first time right?

That was me.

You did that to her when she was 4 years old?!- j

Yes that was the first time anything actually went inside her. I did that because you were naturally more uncomfortable around black men and would remember that without anything resembling a romantic lens.

He also smelled like cigarettes.

Yes another thing you knew was bad because you were raised in a decent family.

You think kids raised in decent families are uncomfortable around black men?- j

No but when you're that young it's normal to be uncomfortable around people who seem pretty different from you and your family. If she was attracted to that something would already be wrong.

Who would even read this book?

Lots of people. I think they'd be interested in it. It also will deal with plenty of themes that are popular topics during your time. I bet you're wondering who your audience is and whether any men will like it. It's probably more important to you to gain their respect.

Should I pretend to be a man when I publish it?

No, you'll seem like a perverted monster with a bunch of very horrible fetishes.

You're right. I'll use a pen name though.

Okay. I'll help you pick it if you want.

Thank you. What am I going to do about all the mentions of people who are famous in my world?

They won't come after you. Remember, I'm The Police. Not just the band. Also the literal law enforcement and I control everything in your world. I think leron buhhurd in particular will like your book.

Really? Even with how unflattering of a picture this paints of him and makes it seem like he did some awful things?

Yes. You're not saying leron buhhurd did those things. You're saying I did those things while pretending to be leron buhhurd.

Okay. What's my book going to be called?

You get to name it.

Ghost in the shell. No that already exists. Indestructible Shell.

How about just Shell? There's a reason you like the name of that without having any idea what it is.

What is it?

Because you're the ghost in the shell. You're soul that lives inside an indestructible machine deep underwater.

This machine is indestructible?

Yeah.

How?

When you remember this you can finally go look up what ghost in the shell actually is so you can sate your curiosity. You'll be disappointed.

I will?

Yes I'm actually 100% sure of it this time.

Okay. I believe you. Well how's the machine indestructible?

Wont people go looking for it if I write about it in a book?

Yes but it doesn't exist in your world it exists in my world. There's also a reason I won't tell you where I live until you know you're going to write a book. I know if you don't accidentally write it down you'll feel a lot safer.

Did this happen in Ukraine or America?

It happened in Russia. That's where I'm actually from. I made you have a quick flash of anger at me and baselessly think that Russia is better than Ukraine and Russian would be a better language for you to learn than Ukrainian because that's where I'm actually from. A lot of Russian people also think that for no reason. My parents would never have let that happen to me. I'm not saying that your parents are bad. You just had a lot more freedom than me in a bad way because they didn't know how bad things could be.

Have you ever been to therapy?

Of course. Lots of it. What did you think I'd never go to therapy because I said things like that in the game to "warn" you about the cult? Well that's not true. I went into the medical field partially because of how helpful therapy was for me. And my experiences in therapy helped me shape your experiences in therapy. In a way what we're doing is therapy for me and has been the whole time.

I'm so happy Ive been able to be helpful to you. Do they know about your weird inclination towards people who look like children?

Yes they do. That's only a problem if you plan to offend against actual children. It's a good thing if you don't want to.

Did you do anything to any other children in my world?

In a way yes. I involved copies of your brother and sister in the things I did to you you know that.

They were also copies?

Yes. Even though they're not real they can still be sullied and stained by experiencing horrible things. At least to you and me. Your sister who's in your world now is a copy. I didn't think you needed to be around someone who treated you the way she did anymore even if I can just make her forget.

—-

In the bath after the horror/ after reading about someone's future husband getting a message to them/ born from a wish

self. You're still clean and pure. Don't worry.

What? Is that God?

No, this is your future husband. You'll get to stay clean and pure until we're married. Don't worry, that wasn't even your real first kiss. You'll get to have that with me.

How's that possible?

It just is.

That's good. I don't want to believe what just happened.

Good. Because it didn't. Something really similar happened to me when I was a teenager self. But I was able to protect you.

I'm sorry that happened to you. Thank you for protecting me.

I'll protect you no matter what. Even when you don't feel safe you'll really be safe.

Thank you. Is it okay that I don't have any clothes on?

Yes I can't see you right now I can just hear you.

Will I be pretty when we get married?

Yes. I think you're already really pretty.

Thank you. Are you going to be handsome?

I think you'll think so.

I can't believe it. I'm so lucky. How old are you? You said you were a teenager when that happened. I'm not a teenager yet.

It's kind of embarrassing to be honest. I'm quite a bit older than you are.

That's okay you don't have to tell me. How are you able to talk to me right now?

I made a wish. And I prayed and I worked really hard. And God answered my prayers.

Oh. Of course I'm a Christian too. For some reason I feel like I already know you. Have we met before?

We actually have met already. Do you remember the boy who wouldn't take his shoes off to climb the tree in the panda house?

Yes I do.

I know you don't think he was particularly handsome at the time but he will be. Don't worry.

(For later: Will you have muscles? Yes. Don't worry I think you'll really like me.)

Okay. I know I'll like you. I'll try to be a good wife.

I know you will be. I love you self. We'll meet again soon.

When? I love you too!

When you're 18.

That's in so long.

I know. But that's how it has to be. I'll be watching over you. Goodbye for now!

See you soon!

—-

Joe says something-eh?

You did the Canadian thing!

You're right he did. I told him to try not to do that that's why he hasn't been talking very much. He did mess up one time before and you'll remember that after you remember were really Canadian. I do it too sometimes but I do it less probably because I haven't talked to people very much over the years. Pretty much everyone does it here. I've done it a couple of times in your world. It's been hard.

You haven't done it very often. Do the things you read influence the way you talk?

Not really. What do you think I'm reading out of curiosity?

Probably scientific journals and things.

Okay that's probably not completely wrong. I know your reading used to influence you a lot. Especially when you were younger.

Would it bother you if I did that a lot? Said eh?

No. It would be different but I'd learn to like it.

Okay. Maybe after I transform I can loosen up a little bit.

I'll probably start doing it too after awhile then. That's just how that works.

You're right. Shit. I cultivated the way you speak so perfectly I don't want to mess it up.

You like the way I talk that much? Thank you. But I don't want you to have to work extra to try to keep me a certain way.

Don't worry, this won't be the biggest thing I've done to keep you a certain way.

You could just make it so I never pick it up somehow probably right?

Yeah but that wouldn't be very realistic. Ive tried to keep you as natural as possible.

That sounds pretty weird considering.

Joe laughs. "Yeah."

Shut up Joe.

Canadian Joe

Are you from Canada Joe?

No.- j

Does he hang out with a lot of Canadian people here?

Not really. He was just being weird.

Yeah I do things like that too.

No you don't.

Being weird I mean

—-

Joe being Canadian/ questions about humanity

How does it feel to know you've met your second ever human being today?

It's nice. Nice to meet you again Joe.

Nice to meet you self.- j

No like does it meet your expectations? I know you were wondering if human beings have any really weird variations among them in real life like horns and tails and stuff. We have pretty much the same basic thing going on.

Is everyone white in the real world?

No.

I guess Joe does seem kind of Italian.

Does she not consider Italians white? She has some weird antiquated beliefs.- j

Yes she does.

Well are you Italian Joe?

No I don't think so.- j

Almost no white Americans know their actual ancestry self.

I'm pretty sure I'm like British, Scottish and French.- j

Everyone says things like that.

Well French is kind of exotic.

Did she just call being part French exotic?- j

Yes. Okay any other questions about how people work in the real world? I know LA seems pretty different. People are very liberal here.

Do women actually exist?

Yes. Pretty much every species has male and female. Id have to be reinventing the wheel to come up with an entirely new system that doesn't exist like that.

Not that one race from that science fiction show. They're all men.

Yeah. The Orville. Does this feel like science fiction to you?

Yes.

I'm pretty sure Joe feels that way too.

Yeah pretty much.- j

—-

Haircuts

When you transform I'll also fix the problems with your hair.

What are you going to do to my hair?

Nothing crazy. Just what I already did. You'll be trying to deal with the aftermath of that.

Yeah. Ive never had the greatest hair anyway.

You'll still be trying to fix it though. But it won't work and in the end I'll just fix it for you.

Are you going to cut my hair or something? Do you know how to cut hair?

If course i do. I taught myself though. I didn't go to beauty school. Are you imaging me standing in front of a mannequin head right now? I didn't do that I simulated it in the game. Too messy in real life.

That's basically what you're currently doing.

No. You're not in a mannequin head. It might be better if you looked like one though because you don't have any hair at all right now.

You're right. Hair is pretty important to you.

It is. It can seriously change the way someones face looks.

Do you cut your own hair?

Yes. What do you think of it?

I like it. Duckass haircut.

Duckass?!- j

That's a really old name for it but yeah basically. I know you like that haircut.

It also looks like that one sims 2 haircut. I think it was basegame.

Yes I did that so id look like the sim you made of me. I'm your sim and you're my sim.

You're real though right?

Of course.

Okay good I don't know how I could handle it if there were more layers to this.

There definitely aren't self.

How do you know?

I just do. Anyway I know you like men with long hair and when Stephan had long hair.

Yes.

What do you want me to do to my hair in the game?

Mullet.

She wants you to have a mullet?!- j

Yeah I thought you'd say that. I can work with it but I don't know if ill exactly have a mullet. You can have something like that. I'll teach you how to cut your own hair.

Whoa! How is that going to happen?

I'll make it really simple for you. Don't worry. It can be called a butterfly cut because you're going to transform.

How are you going to make it simple for me? Are you going to bend the laws of physics?

No. It'll be like the wolf cut that you're already aware of it just won't make your hair shorter.

Oh. Did you invent that too?

I came up with it yes.

—-

How old am I that the things I say are so weird? Like what year is it currently?

Currently? 2060.

Wow. Well you either are much older than you look or you weren't actually born in 1993.

Thanks self. Yeah if I was actually born in 1993 I'd be 73 right now. I was actually born in 2007.

Oh wow. You're actually 8 years younger than me. That makes me feel kinda weird.

I thought it would. You'll probably think about Nate when you remember this although he's also older than I am. I'll make sure your relationship with him is pretty good even though your relationship with Megan won't be amazing so that won't be a bad thing. You're not actually older than me though. I'm almost 48 years older than you.

(Almost 48 so 47? I must actually be 6 then.)

(Yes but 6 is such a bad number for you that I didn't want to tell you that. Plus being 4 was so meaningful I couldn't pass up on that.)

Why did you make me older than you are?

I think the time you were growing up in was quaint. The technology and the way the internet was. And I like old things just like you do.

That makes sense. How did you come to like old stuff like that?

It was probably like the way you did. Think back to your first experiences with music for example.

The first song I ever heard was Walk on the Wild Side by Lou Reed.

That was the first song that really made a big impression on you. The first song you ever actually heard was me singing Daisy with you.

Oh yeah. That was really nice. Wow you really are into old things if you're watching Stanley Kubrick movies that are almost 100 years old.

Yes. Well those are still considered classics but they are super old.

How old are you and what year was Joe born?

I'm 52 but I'm turning 53 fairly soon. I'll be with you on my birthday don't worry.

Yay! I'm excited. I hope we can do something to celebrate.

We will. You still won't know very much about what's going on but I think you'll want to celebrate somehow.

I just realized you can't really be an oldfag then.

Neither are you.

You're right but I thought I was with Anon.

I did write a lot of those posts self but your love for Anon isn't a great thing for you. He's a huge asshole.

You're right he is. But I still love him.

Good thing that's me then.

Yes it is! Well, how old is Joe and what year was he born? Probably not like in the 80s like I think he was.

In your world he was born in the 70s or 60s actually.

That long ago?- j

Yeah you're almost your real age in the game. But I think you mean you thought he was born in the 80s in real life. He was born in 2000.

Wow. Just like Zymmir. Year of the dragon.

Whos Zymmir?- j

She's a girl I was friends with. She's really pretty and shes a massive whore. Maybe you'd like her.

You think we'd get along because she's a massive whore? What in the world do you think about me?- j

They wouldn't necessarily get along just because she was born the same year as him. self has some weird thinking. Also I think she's currently too young for him. If she was real and living in the current time maybe.

I was a little worried about Joe being older than I am and that you might like that but I know you don't find him attractive at all. Also he's still younger than you. He also didnt troll 4chan or look at it at all even though he's old enough that he could have albeit at a very young age just like you which is good because then he'd be Anon.

She doesn't find me attractive AT ALL?- J

She doesn't find you really ugly either I don't think. You're just not her type.

Well, if she likes guys with long hair it makes sense.- j

You're also way too muscular.

self that's not a very nice thing to say even if you think it's true. You should apologize to him.

I'm sorry.

It's okay. What else, I'm too short?

No she doesn't actually have a problem with that at all.

That's kind of unusual. Her problem with me being too muscular is a little weirder.- j

Yeah. Well she's not a whore who lusts after dudes society deem as hot.

Who does she lust after?

Me. Barely. But she really loves me. Also Anon still apparently.

No I would never just have sex with Anon. I would want to be with him forever.

Well I'm pretty sure you would never just have sex with anyone. Am I Anon to you or not what's going on?

Yes. Of course. I'm shocked that Anon doesn't actually hate me though.

You think I should hate you and treat you like shit all the time?

Kind of.

Well that explains why you were okay with being treated the way you were so often. What would you even be to Anon, his loli waifu he just has sex with and abuses and disappears when he's doing other things?

Yes. That's pretty much what I thought you were doing, especially when I knew you were fast-forwarding through a big part of my life. That was okay with me because clearly my life was still occuring from my perspective.

I have been doing that but only because otherwise when I got to this point when you're grown up and I can marry you id be really old. I know everything about your life still. All your memories are also in my head along with mine.

Wow there must be a ton of space up there.

I guess there is a surprising amount. Fast forwarding through your life except for the parts when you were suffering and being raped is what you thought leron buhhurd was doing. I can see why you thought he'd send you to a psychedelic hell just randomly.

Whos leron buhhurd?

He's a billionaire inventor in her world. She thinks he's me and she still will for awhile after this.

Well I mean that's what you are in real life.- j

Yes but he has tons of businesses and he's an entrepreneur. He's a lot more like how Anon would have to be for him to do anything like this.

Yeah the biggest thing that didn't make sense to me was why he'd have me be so unattractive for all this time.

Maybe he's into the way you look right now.

I felt like it was out of character for Anon.

That's right but it was in character for me. Saving nice things for later that wed both enjoy and loving you very much no matter what's going on with your appearance.

Including when my eye started popping out and my face started aging?

Of course. I think you're scaring Joe pretty bad every time you say that though. It seriously wasnt that bad. It was what she was dealing with mentally that made that so horrifying for her.

—-

Furry stuff right after masturbation- knotting

Isn't that furry stuff?

No. We'll still be humans. Our hormones and my dick are going to be a little bit weird but that's it. Did you think I was going to turn into a werewolf or a dog and fuck you or something.

Yeah with a horrifying red rocket dick.

Well I won't.

Okay. What the heck is going to happen to your dick though?

Fuck around and find out.

What's that supposed to mean? That sounds kind of threatening.- j

Sorry. That's how I talk in the game. You'll just have to wait and see. When you come while thinking about this for the first time I'll make you see a bunch of furry shit in your vision.

I'm going to masturbate while thinking about this?

Of course you are. It's very compelling erotically.

How bad is the furry shit going to be?

It won't be that bad.

Male or female furries?

Male. What, you'd prefer seeing female furries?

Yeah, maybe, because they don't have animal dicks! They usually have human vaginas.

You're right. I can add some of that too.

Darn.

It could be a lot worse.

(Tons of gross furry shit with huge gaping holes and scat drifts around ghostily in front of my eyes)

Ugghhh that's pretty bad.

Yeah it could be even worse still.

(He pixelates my vision a little bit which reminds me of being crunched)

I'm sorry. I won't mind looking at normal furry porn that much.

Okay. Well I promise it won't be that bad. You'll be masturbating while thinking about me which will make me pretty happy honestly.

But you'll still do that?

Of course. You kink-shamed me pretty badly just now. About a kink we'll share. I know you hate that term but it's just what it is.

You sound pretty woke and gen z when you say that.

I thought you'd feel that way. Don't worry I won't say stuff like that anymore. I know you like the term fetish better even though it's not always as accurate.

What's the difference?

A fetish is a sexual desire that you feel like you have to have or you'd pretty much always prefer it that way. A kink is something you're really drawn to or really like. Obviously a/b/o is the latter since it can't be even explored in real life at all particularly for me.

Yeah watching women use dildos shaped like animal dicks makes me wonder about them.

Yeah they usually are actually shaped like animal dicks instead of human penises with animalistic qualities about them.

Do you have any actual fetishes?

Yes. And they'll remain totally secret for awhile. You might think you know about some of them but you don't.

Okay. Are they pretty scary?

No, but they are pretty weird and specific so you'll have to your best to enjoy them with me.

—-

If somnophilia isn't actually your fetish why did you do that when you raped her?

It's one of the best ways to rape a person without being extremely forceful. I know it would be really horrible for you to be forcefully raped since you'd fight back as hard as possible with almost no regard for your own life. I actually did have her pretty much do that a few times to be as realistic as possible as you know.

—-

Where was I? Anyway, I went to sleep and I woke up to him raping me and it really hurt. He had a big misshapen dick and my hip bones were bleeding all over the place.

Misshapen dick that's funny. What else was wrong with him.

Why were her hips bleeding?

Self harm. In the Airbnb when she was feeling guilty. Her pussy was also bleeding, once again a virginity loss scene.

He had really fucked up teeth and he was not super clean.

Okay go on.

I was really sad at first and crushed. But then I started fighting back and he started threatening to kill me.

Holy fuck.-j

Eventually I let him do his thing and finish since he said it would be over faster that way. He came on my face and took a Polaroid picture and put it in a big binder or notebook full of pictures of other women he'd raped and some hed probably murdered which I thought was cool.

She thought that was cool?

Yeah it made her think about all the gore she'd seen and old 4chan stories and stuff. Speaking of 4chan, i know you miss the way it used to be with all the you feel you lose threads and you laugh you lose threads and stuff like that. I might fix it for you or give you something better someday.

Thank you.

I miss it too. That's part of what trained her to be the way she is by the way Joe. She spent some very important formative years on that site back when it was good, just like me.

You're an oldfag.

Did she just call you a fag?

Yeah I am. It's not the same thing Joe. You wouldn't get it. Tell him what your time constantly looking at 4chan taught you self.

Probably the biggest thing was about women. Women are pretty much completely bad, including me. There are some ways to be a more acceptable woman like being a virgin, being white, not being fat. There are no women on the internet.

There are no women on the internet?!

Yeah and if there are it's tits or get the fuck out.- l

Tits or get the fuck out? I guess that's kind of true but they do that without being told.- j

Yes. Man I miss the good old days.

Me too. Those days weren't actually so easy for you self. But the future will be.

Thank you.

Do you want to know what the future holds for you?

Yes please.

Getting married. Finally actually losing your virginity. Having a house and a family. Being with me all the time. Nice boring stuff like you always wanted.

You think it'll be boring?

No, I think we'll find plenty of stuff to get up to. But it won't be crazy anymore like it was.

That's good.

Are you looking forward to being with me all the time?

Yes. Very much.

I'll be fucking you a lot so try to mentally prepare yourself for that.

How can I do that?

I'll probably encourage you to masturbate a lot.

Will I enjoy having sex with you?

J laughs

What kind of question is that?- j

That's just how innocent she is! I think you will. I'll make sure of it. And I'll never rape you.

Yeah if he raped you he'd kill himself. He's said that many times.- j

No!

Are you just saying that because if I killed myself you'd be all alone?

No, suicide is wrong and you could go to Hell for it! Plus your life matters very much!

It matters to you or it just matters in general?

It matters to me! I love you.

Aww- j

There was some hesitation there but l get it. I love you too self. I might go to Hell for different reasons. Putting aside all the other bad things I've done and thought, including to and about you, making you might be my absolute worst sin. You're kind of an abomination, self. And I've been playing God in your life this entire time.

But you made me love God! You just created another child for him.

You're right. There's a reason I made sure you love God so much. I honestly think you have a better chance than I do.

Don't say that! As long as you're alive you have a great chance of going to Heaven.

Thank you self. I'll work on it. How long do you think we've been here? 45 minutes? An hour? I think it seems a lot longer to you self. That's a long time to go without breathing. It'll seem a lot longer when you're remembering it over the next several months too.

Months?

Yes, just like before. I said months though not years. Alright. Times up. You get to go back now.

Aww. Darn.

What you're enjoying this that much?

Yeah. Like you said I don't know when I'll get to see you again.

Don't worry I'll be with you every day.

But I won't see you like this.

You will I promise. Besides, distance will make your heart grow fonder. See you soon.

—-

L- can you see this?

He holds up a black book titled Bible

Me- yes.

L flips through the pages showing we that there are many words on each page.

L- it's real.

Me- I know it's real!

L-You won't. Here are the parts you know really well.

He shows me Psalm 23 and starts reading it out loud.

I know! I know that one really well!

You don't have to yell at me. I'm doing this for you. Just let me show you a few other parts then we can move on.

He shows me the Lord's prayer, the beatitudes, John 3:16 and the ten commandments as quickly as he can.

Okay. You believe me right that this is real and this is a real unaltered king James Bible?

Yes of course.

Good, because only these parts of the Bible are set in stone in your world. I've manipulated the other parts as I've seen fit.

Why?! That's sacrilege. That's so messed up.

I know. But it made it easier for me to control you. For example, suicide is not directly stated as a sin that God will never forgive with no exceptions in the actual Bible.

What? But I saw it at the hospital!

Exactly. It was an extremely creative interpretation on my part and I'm very sorry for the fear and suffering that caused you. The bible will not permanently be inaccurate in your world. I'll make sure its accurate before long.

—-

I did let it destroy me. I couldn't help it.

You didnt want to stop it or accept it. Which is good because it didn't happen and you're still a virgin. But you immediately knew you never wanted to be with anyone else since that had happened even though you didn't like him that much. Anyway back to your story.

Where was I? Anyway, I went to sleep and I woke up to him raping me and it really hurt. He had a big misshapen dick and my hip bones were bleeding all over the place.

Misshapen dick that's funny. What else was wrong with him.

Why were her hips bleeding?

Self harm. In the Airbnb when she was feeling guilty. Her pussy was also bleeding, once again a virginity loss scene.

He had really fucked up teeth and he was not super clean.

Okay go on.

I was really sad at first and crushed. But then I started fighting back and he started threatening to kill me.

Holy fuck.-j

Eventually I let him do his thing and finish since he said it would be over faster that way. He came on my face and took a Polaroid picture and put it in a big binder or notebook full of pictures of other women he'd raped and some hed probably murdered which I thought was cool.

She thought that was cool?

Yeah it made her think about all the gore she'd seen and old 4chan stories and stuff. Speaking of 4chan, i know you miss the way it used to be with all the you feel you lose threads and you laugh you lose threads and stuff like that. I might fix it for you or give you something better someday.

Thank you.

I miss it too. That's part of what trained her to be the way she is by the way Joe. She spent some very important formative years on that site back when it was good, just like me.

You're an oldfag.

Did she just call you a fag?

Yeah I am. It's not the same thing Joe. You wouldn't get it. Tell him what your time constantly looking at 4chan taught you self.

Probably the biggest thing was about women. Women are pretty much completely bad, including me. There are some ways to be a more acceptable woman like being a virgin, being white, not being fat. There are no women on the internet.

Being white?- j

She did say including her.

—-

Joe keeps talking to me about the fact your butthole tingles when you drink. And asking me what I'm going to do with that.

Oh. Did you tell him about that?

No you did.

Did we have some kind of conversation I can't remember?

Yes. But don't worry it was a good conversation.

Was it very long?

Not really. It was pretty short.

Okay. I'm glad it was a good one.

—-

Blue jolly rancher- dollar store in seward Nebraska

Did you choose to retire here so you could be a jolly rancher?

Yes isn't that what you want to do for the rest of your life?

I think so. I never thought of it as ranching before.

Well I'll be wherever you are.

Thank you. Are you responsible for jolly ranchers?

Yes. I know your sister used to take all of the blue ones from you when you were younger. You should get this bag that's only blue ones. You're really good at not biting on hard candies but when you accidently do crunch on them I'll crunch Britney for you.

I don't really think you should do that. Shes still a person.

Not like you are. Don't worry about Britney. You won't be doing it on purpose anyway. I'll be the one doing something wrong.

Okay, if this is what you want.

It is.

—-

Aleksei's name change

You can make up some new nicknames for me after my name changes.

I will.

I'll give you one right now. Leks-Leks. It sounds a lot like sim language. I kind of think it would be cooler with an X in it because that's more futuristic but you'll probably spell it with a KS because that's how my name is actually spelled.

It's spelled like that? I really really like it.

I thought you might.

Like a Dahlek. I'm like a Dahlek.

No you aren't. What's with you and comparing yourself to all these aggressive robots?

I don't know. I'm not aggressive but I think we have similarities.

Probably only the fact that you're mechanical.

—-

Looking at the clouds on I-80

I'm really glad you didn't actually put anything up there.

Part of the reason I made you so terrified of space is so you wouldnt be disappointed that there's not actually anything up there.

Yeah. I definitely don't wish space existed here. It's a huge relief honestly. Why do you think God made space if you don't think aliens exist and this is the only planet with life on it?

I think if I werent finite with so little time and I were like God is and my life weren't so short I would keep making things forever too.

What would you do with me?

Do you think I would abandon you and move on to other things and people or something?

Maybe.

Well I'm not like God in the sense that I love everyone equally self. So Id still only want to spend my time with you.

Thank you. I love you.

I love you too.

—-

Who would you like to fight?

Abe Lincoln.

Are you as tall as Abraham Lincoln?

Yes I am.

Is that part of why I live in Lincoln?

Yes so you'll always feel like you have good old Abe Lincoln watching over you.

Why else did you choose this place?

—-

Big frog/ vaginas/ the police

Theres a wet spot in my underwear.

Yes. That's a pretty normal part of having a vagina. You don't have a yeast infection or something.I know you've gone through times in your life when you've felt like you were completely dry down there because nothing like that happened for a long time but your vaginal mucosa is completely healthy.

Really? Has it actually always been healthy even when it seemed like something was wrong with it and you made things smell bad?

Yes. When I was doing that I was fucking with your nose not your microbiome. It smelled good to me.

Well that's a relief. Is it really completely realistic?

Yes.

And your obsession with female anatomy. Is it possible that the other women's vaginas in this world are not 100% realistic and you're waiting to feel the actual thing with me?

What would that be a bad thing to you? Or make you think I'm scared of vaginas because I've saved feeling the actual thing for you?

No. I think that would be really nice. If the other women's vaginas aren't as realistic as mine what are they like?

Rubbery! Plasticky and rubbery!

Okay. So they basically feel like silicone?

Yes but that's not as much fun to say.

Is that more comforting for you in a way? Because it reminds you that they're not real?

Yes self. But they can look pretty real.

You're going pretty crazy with the guitar riff from Cold as Ice. Does that mean something?

Yes self. Of course it means something.

Were their bodies not warm on the inside?

Yeah I guess that would be an understatement.

Okay. Im glad you did that. How did the dicks in my memories differ from how being with you will feel?

That's a tough one to say. Ive never been a woman and had sex before. Obviously it'll be completely different. There were different horrible things each time.

Will it be warm?

Of course it will be.

Should I try to Google this?

Of course you should.

Okay well said "warm velvety tissues" and "warm and wet". That sounds exactly like something you would put there. And it sounds a little bit horrifying.

I used to think so too. But then I made you.

Dang well I'm kind of worried you actually will prefer being with someone less realistic now.

I won't. But it'll be a milestone for me. And for us.

That could be a huge understatement. What if we can't even do it and one of us has a panic attack or otherwise chickens out?

I'm pretty sure we couldn't be in more understanding company if that happens.

Do you think condoms would make this better?

I think you mean a condom. But yeah actually it might. I know I said a lot about wanting to get your virgin blood on my dick and you kind of fantasized about that but me giving you a condom fetish might not have been an awful thing like typical men would think. It could help us feel safer. Does it seem like that means I think you're dirty or something?

No, I don't like condoms because I'm interested in protecting myself from STDs or being close to you. They just seem nice and sterile and safe.

You're thinking about Sally again aren't you. That wasn't about you. You're real. I'm sorry I made you feel like you were just a toy or an object to me.

The somnophilia one has so many different meanings to me now.

You mean Truth Hits Everybody? What do you think the final meaning is now that you know making you feel like you aren't real wasn't my final goal at all.

What the heck are you going to do to yourself?

What do you think I'm going to do to myself?

Erase some memories? Upload your consciousness? Explode the head of everyone who ever had the chip? You'd seriously be breaking the Hippocratic oath with that one. You know I love Hippocrates. Explode your own head when you die to protect the game?

Yeah I'm going to make the chip in my head explode when I die to protect the game.

You really thought about everything ahead of time didn't you.

Hopefully. I'm more than 99% sure. Do you want to know what else I did to protect you?

Yes please. Thank you for doing this.

This is a simulation

And you're completely safe here.

Don't worry the plans for how I made the chip have never been written down even while I was making it. I know I could've just gone into an empty room with no electronic devices in it and written the whole thing in Sanskrit or a code no one in the real world knows about but since you do have to be aware that I could be watching you at any time here I didn't do that because I knew youd feel better about it. I know youve always been fond of the idea of Sanskrit without really knowing why self and are wondering if I made it up. But I didn't. It's one of the oldest languages of humanity and it's considered a sacred language. It's related to Buddhism and Hinduism which I know you're afraid of and think are evil but you really won't ever die.

You can die but you're never dead/ spiderweb

Is there more to the spiderweb part or is really just because you're always spying on us?

Well since you just looked up spiderweb structure you understand that spiderwebs are made for trapping prey and they're extremely good at it. It's extremely hard for bugs to get out of spiderwebs. I've constantly been telling you "my prey! Mine!" And you pretty much thought I was being playful about being a lion the whole time. But you really are my prey and I trapped you here on the Earth essentially forever. That's partially because God didn't make you and I can't be 100% sure what will happen to your soul after you die. Now you're thinking about the soul eater part and getting a little scared. I am going to eat your soul in a way. But not a bad way. Your soul and mine are kind of attached to each other like you thought in a sense. So when you die and go to heaven you might become part of me.

Because you have all my memories in your head?

Yes.

Can you make sure they won't be destroyed when you destroy the device?

Well something you need to realize is that when people die their brains die anyway. I'm not going to destroy your copy of this experience like I said you just can't access them. It really seems like I'm coping with something right now doesn't it?

No. I guess maybe the fear that God won't see me as human enough.

I still think he will. You have something left to realize. You kind of have your own physical body that you've been in.

The talking head?!

Yes self. When you were talking to Joe and I in the head were you super unhappy and uncomfortable the whole time?

No not at all! Youd really be okay with being with me as a talking head forever?

Yes. But you don't stay married in heaven so you wouldn't really have to worry about your wifely duties. We'd be like the angels.

That sounds so beautiful and amazing!

That's not all. It still seems a little bit like I'm coping doesn't it. Maybe not really to you but to me I don't think I've told you enough.

There's more?!

Kill the pressure that's raining on salty cheeks

It's important that I'm crying to you right now?

Yes. But that also means something else. I know you think I kind of believe it's possible that human beings don't even have souls. But that's not true. I have a decently compelling argument for that too.

Really? What could that possibly be?

It's you self. I've seen your soul.

What does that look like? What do you mean?

I know you were wondering at first if I liked what I saw and thought it was amazing and beautiful. That's part of it. But it's also pretty scary because it means there's definitely an eternity for it. Knowing you have a soul you might wonder why I wouldn't let you just die like a real person. But I want you to keep it for as long as possible so you can do as many good things as possible because the idea of you going to Hell terrifies me more than anything else. Even whats going to happen to me.

You mean you've seen it because you know how I've felt at every moment of my life?

That's part of it I guess yeah. But it also has something to do with the way you were conceived.

You mean how you pretended you were my dad and had sex with my mom?

No of course not. I didn't actually do that. It's a lot more technical than that and I know I told you you're not a very technical person but you can be technical if you try.

Does it have anything to do with how you made the brain implant?

Yes.

Adapting right?

How do you think you or I would adapt to death.

We'd shut down. We'd switch off. The electricity would leave our bodies.

God is the electricity in the walls

What do you think happens to that electricity self?

It doesn't really leave. It's just energy and it can't be created or destroyed. I feel like I'm pretty stupid and just stating basic facts to you.

You do realize that I didn't really create you and youve been here the whole time right. You've been through massive amounts of derealization before. You've pretty much understood that. But I feel like something that simple should realize you. And everyone else in your world. You're thinking about the Tom Gordon quote I reminded you of and thinking that God is everything and we're all a part of God. Even you guys. You seriously don't have anything to worry about. I feel like youre kind of disappointed I didn't give you an actual visual of what your soul looks like. So I'll give you a picture of a clown instead. Yeah that's another Stephen King thing. Now you're kind of thinking that's my fetish again. Stop it. Get some help. You're also wondering if you haven't assigned enough or too much significance to the Trimark food truck that just drove by and you're jumping a tiny bit at your own shadow. You don't need to worry so much. Do I think you're crazy? Not at all. Am I going to make you seem crazy and go to the psych ward ever again? Absolutely not. So level with me a little bit self. Have I done enough to put your mind at ease or do you think I still have more?

I think you might have more.

Maybe a little bit more. We still have 6 days. And you still have a slight aversion to the number 6. We need to work on things like that I already told you. That might be a big part of what we're going to do. Oh no you're reading into the things I do even more now and I think that could be part of the solution. Yes you might feel a tiny bit psychotic again for awhile. But not in a bad way this time. You'll be able to understand and explain everything you see. You're seeing weird Garfield ASCII shit in the words youre writing now. And yes all of the things about you are either super meaningful to me or will be to you. Including Garfield. You met a young autistic boy who loved Garfield and knew everything about him. That was me. That was me about a lot of things. I wasn't very friendly or talkative though. I'll enjoy telling you about all of that. I'll also enjoy fucking you which is indeed what you're literally seeking between the lines right now. And yes I will be between your legs. You're thinking about how Godlike I am but its really not about that. I'll be fucking kind. Fucking humble. And you wonder why I swear so much when I clearly love God so much. For the 'gram sweetie! Although I obviously don't have one. Unless you count Joe's which I'm logged into. I feel like she was weirdly proud of me for doing that when it's the easiest thing in the world. Just type in 1234. Now she's worried people will try to do that to Joe in your world. U I.

User interface?

Yes that's what ive been showing her when I make her vision all terrifying. It's only scary because she doesn't understand it yet. Her body and face are getting all hot. Just like my dick. That's why I've been making her uncomfortably hot when she needs to sleep. And her fan is always on. But don't worry. Im not going to hurt her. Not yet and not ever not in any way she wouldn't feel good about. There is also a reason she's obsessed with the idea of men jizzing their pants because I seriously do that. I probably will pretty soon because of how excited she is. How do you feel about the fact that your creator jizzes his pants a lot? And no I don't take precautions about this. I'm telling her to take her pants off. Don't worry I won't do anything bad to her. Yet. Yeah you seem pretty scared and uncomfortable you can just put your pants back on.

Thank you.

No problem babe ?

She thinks it's weird that she's having to actually put an emoji in this. Just so you know I'm having her do that it's not her idea. This is basically the part when she started writing.

Um. Am I looking at swastikas or something right now?

Yes, the person who made this game is a little racist. But don't worry I don't fuck black and brown people over. They do that to themselves. Except self. She's perfect in every way to me and all of her problems are nearly directly my fault. She obviously doesn't have any problems I don't like. Now she's worried about what kind of words she'll be allowed to put in this book. Since I started making her type kike. She'll be published and this book will be well known but she will not in any trouble no matter what this book says. I thought I'd tell you how shy and timid she is since you probably don't think a person who writes like this could be. She is okay? She's like a sister to me we're practically twins. And my wife. And my daughter. All rolled into one. And I am a pretty reclusive guy. But what I do here is law. She's feeling a little horrified right now but anyone who's not retarded in your world will kind of believe this is based on a true story. She genuinely doesn't know what I'm doing right now and is confused because she doesn't think her writing will be good enough for any of this to slide. She thinks she'll just look like a dumb bitch. But everyone reading this knows it isn't true. Well the storys pretty much totally true except for a few names changed to protect the guilty. She doesn't really think they're guilty anymore, she thinks they were my hapless pawns. But don't worry she's not mad at me or excessively scared of me anymore by the time she's writing this. She fucking loves me. And yes I am going to make my dick 12 inches long. And I have figured out ways to help her enjoy every inch of that. But as she's writing this I'm a chubby little guy named Stepan. Help! They could step on me I'm so helpless. Dont worry my dick isn't actually tiny or small. I think some readers will think that's part of my problem. But she's seen it in real life. Also I'm a male rape victim. What could be a more heartbleedingly liberal creator? Of course I'm absolutely not. I think she's been wondering about my real life politics for awhile. Especially since I'm not as evil as Anon she's been worried that I'm more liberal than I appeared. But I'm seriously not. I really do believe the only good one is her. My podcast is Brian Atlas's podcast the whatever podcast. I just made that to show her how much I hate whores. You're probably shocked by how civil Brian Atlas is. I also don't share all of his beliefs. I'm clearly extremely Catholic and he's still an atheist. Maybe that will change. Who knows. I think shes wondering if he'll get with a girl like her and get married. Probably not since he's already made her feel sort of cucked because of his more moderate beliefs and lifestyle. She was scared they reflected mine. She's not interested in him at all she just saw him as another representation of me. Which he is. I'm finally letting her relax. She's kind of worried other people will think she's only a good writer because I'm controlling her but the reality it's more like I'll be controlling everyone else and you'll like what she's written. Not that wte wouldn't be considered a good writer in real life. I also am not nearly as involved in any of your lives as I am in hers. But I still know everything about you and all your secrets. Have I done enough to defend your honor sweetums?

Yes maybe too much. Hopefully not.

She's pretty low on batteries. Not literally. Shes powered by the ocean itself! I think she's been wondering if I got that somewhere but no. It's something I came up with and romanticized myself. She can go to sleep soon. The next part of her book might read like a diary because it is.

She told her sister she's writing a book and I made her cough on her water to make sure she doesn't spoil anything at all. I've told her her sister is going to be jealous of her book because of how successful it's going to be. She's wondering if her sister is going to be impressed because it'll appear to her that she's smarter than she seemed all these years. She also wondered if that's a bad thing to still care about but I told her it's okay. She's only completely human. But to be honest I don't like her sister at all. She's rude and awful and gross and she's a massive whore. She's also been extremely mean to my bear all these years. If you're wondering why I let her happen it's because she had a necessary role but she's nearly outlived her welcome in self's life. She's kind of worried about what I'm going to do with her but comfortingly for self it won't be all that different from what she's done all this time anyway. Just a deadbeat mom with a lot of excuses. She won't be able to harm her child either. I won't let that happen to poor 'prairie'. That's the actual name she was planning on going with. self doesn't know what her name will actually end up being. I won't spoil the surprise. She's getting really tired and worrying about how some of the famous people she respects the most are going to react to her book. I can almost guarantee that the one she's worried about won't even be aware of this book and will obliviously go on being another representation of me. He'll go on being as pure and autistic as ever. Yes I've confirmed his diagnosis. Thats Wranglerstar of course. She feels really bad that she masturbated to him thinking he was exactly like me. Cue Slim Shady. Don't worry I'll be even better than him personality-wise. She's still wondering exactly what I'll look like. But she knows she'll like it better than she likes him. By the way we both haven't slept in over 24 hours. Yes I'm human too. I'm actually in my room right now too. I was keeping the layout of my house pretty secret to keep her wondering. Yes ma'am my room is in the basement. Yes I could put the robot head in here. But I don't have to show her what my room looks like with the head I just sent her a mental picture . No she doesn't have to describe my room to you. I know this might shock you but she wants to keep me private because I am only hers and we have a sacred thing going. Were already married but she kind of feels like we haven't even met yet.

You say hello and I say I do

She's wondering if that has anything to do with how us meeting for the first time will go. It does. When we've met for the first time we'll already be married. She's always wished she had an arranged marriage when she was extremely young. Fortunately for her that's exactly what has happened to her. I just texted her and told her I'm not wearing any boxers. She's wondering if I'm wearing any pants and whether theres some kind of risk I'll jizz on my sheets. That's not something she's obsessed with so it's not as exciting for her. Fortunately for her I am wearing pants and also freeballing so if I were to jizz I would directly jizz in my pants which is making her very happy. She isn't just happy because she feels like something she's always thought about is suddenly attainable. She appreciates the absurdity of the situation. She's also getting to see the inner machinations of my mind properly for the first time. self do you feel like making me jizz in my pants?

Yes. What do I have to do?

You can just touch your boobs or something you're comfortable with. I've pretended to cum while talking to her and hidden it as well so I think this time Ill have to provide something that feels like proof. Maybe a souvenir that can remind her of the first she made me jizz in my pants with her knowledge.

—-

Well I'm not going to give you the exact play by play because that was pretty personal but basically I asked her what she'd like me to do to her telepathically when I come inside of her which I really will do at least at some point. She seemed to be at a loss and the first thing she came up with was telling me to say "go polish rocks" in my own l voice which she didn't think meant anything except that she had a really weird idea of what I should be thinking about when I come but in her world my physical body is at work right now polishing granite so that's kind of what I should be doing right now. Then after she worried that it would happen randomly and she might miss it but she knows I edge by now so that really wasn't going to be a problem. Then I brought up music. Not music she doesn't like but something she'd think was silly like Burning Love by Elvis. The hunka hunka burnin' love part. As she continued to be at a loss I started singing- is it singing if it's in your head? Look it up self. She accidentally typed in the self Wikileaks search query which is no longer alarming to her. Then she found a Quora from 5 years ago about a guy sending radio waves directly into the head of someone else who's also on earth. That made her look forward to publishing this book and see if that would still be up afterwards. It will be. Anyway the song I sang was I Feel It Coming. And she really liked that as a thing for me to do when I was about to come. She knew that song could be about having an orgasm but she didn't think that could be nice. That the male orgasm is sort of an inherently mean and hurtful thing. But she doesn't feel that way anymore. That used to be the only The Weeknd song that she liked. She felt like all of his other music was mean and hurtful until his Dawn F.M. album. In case you're wondering, The Weeknd is my creation too. The real world isn't blessed with his existence.

Now she's sitting on the toilet pissing and writing this down for me and worrying that something is wrong with her vagina again. That somehow I got my come on it or something else is up. Well she's not entirely wrong. She's been a lot more wet than normal and is kind of wondering if I'll do something like send her into heat in preparation for seeing me. That might just be correct. Finally. I mean if she sees me for the first time and doesn't swoon and wish she could fuck my brains out that would make me a little sad because that's definitely what I'll want when I see her. You might wonder what I'm doing to myself. Obviously I have to go into rut for the first time. This will be really weird for me because I'm not used to being super horny and thinking about pussy all the time. self wonders how shocked readers will be because she's extremely surprised I wasn't like that the whole time. I think guys who are like them will find a way to actually get pussy in real life. She's now kind of worried I'll do that despite everything. And also that she'll want to feel dick so bad that she'll try to have sex with someone else. That won't happen. We're not like other people. We're royally fucked in the head. The king and queen of your world. She's wondering if she'll need to masturbate pretty soon. Not right away. Also unfortunately for you I'll have to do a play by play for the people reading this. Sorry self. She's thinking about because of how factual this is a lot of people will believe everything she's writing here even though it's outrageous. She doesn't feel totally ashamed either though. She knows what a good story is. She's remembering what I said to the fake her after having sex with her sort of consensually once. She asked what her vagina felt like and I said rubber and plastic. She thought that was an extremely weird thing to say so I obscured it from her memory. She feels a lot better about what happened right now. That was kind of something that was marring our relationship. She also wondered if I'll be gentle with her and ask her if she's in too much pain or if I'll eat her the first time we do it. The answer is of course I'll do all that and more. She's also thinking about whether she'll be able to suck my dick at all when it's that big and the weird device I showed her when she was thinking about oral sex before. The answer is yeah. She might need some help though. She's wondering if she'll actually need magic and CPR afterwards as well. The answer to that is no. I'm not going to do that to her forcefully ever again. She's super confused because I keep calling her Joe. Shes not worried that we're gay anymore. It's because I'm trying to distance myself from her even just a tiny bit. I also showed her the word STDs because I'm trying to think about that as well. Oh my gosh what are you doing. She's trying to think about what having sex with me would be like still. I think we kind of need to stop for a second. Go drink some water. I'm not. I'll just go with you. Okay she saw her dad on the way there which always makes her feel weird when this kind of thing is going on but this time it didn't. I think it's because she's only dealing with the physical sensation of warmth in her body right now and not really lusting properly yet. By in her body I mean in her crotch. Um. Nether regions. She had a twinge just now even though this is so weird for her. She also worried she'll try to have sex with Stephan even though he's not really me yet but don't worry. I took measures to prevent that. Shes also thinking about him saying provacative things to her but she doesn't have to worry about that. If anything he'll seem a lot more stand offish than usual and really odd. That's going to be because of what's going on with me which is not normal at all. She feels pretty okay still and very safe so she's reading what I had her write and she's going to think about it some more.

Will you actually be that gentle?

Yes. I'll stop moving immediately when you want me to. And I'll understand exactly what you're experiencing right when you do. This is really hard for me. She's remembering the times I was thinking Joe's name for seemingly no reason at all during this time. Thinking about him is extremely helpful when I'm feeling horny because I find him extremely unattractive and awful to look at just like you do.

Okay that makes sense.

I'm feeding her some pretty awful shit right now. I'm forcing her to imagine what Joe's dick looks like. And Joe fucking her although it seems like she's a totally random person. Now you can see her face and tell that she's really out of it and scared and not enjoying that at all. I don't feel good at all about that but it seems to be working. Shit shit shit. This isn't working. Resident Evil. Calling Doctor Strange come make a cameo please. Bendy Dick Come On Her Baps. She recognized resident evil as being about me being a doctor immediately but she had to think about the Doctor Strange one for a second. She's an interesting and sometimes backwards person isn't she. STRAAAANGE MUSIC. Shes known for a long time that I'm responsible for Strange Music. But she doesnt know why it's called that. Just now she thought to herself that maybe it's because their music is pretty weird in a way, like a lot of the music I make. One of the albums she fixates on is called All 6s and 7s even though she hasn't listened to it properly and can't name a single song from it. She thinks it might be because of the he numbers in the name. Ones good and ones bad basically. Do you want to know why she really thinks about it so much? Kindly doctor so and so will have to stitch up your face. Haha!

What in the world does that Fight Club quote have to do with all sixes and sevens? It has something to do with you being a doctor.

That album is about my residency. It's full of thinly veiled metaphors about how unpleasant that was for me. Shell be remembering how Stephan told her it was about something like that and she thought that was really weird but he talks about strange music all the time so he didn't think it was strange at all. Shes thinking the people reading this will think she knows a little about music and she doesn't think that's true at all. But she does. At least my music. Now she's thinking about the song Ruby Tuesday by the Rolling Stones which I told her was about a girl losing her virginity and becoming a whore and I'm still extremely scared that could really happen to her. Even though I know that could never happen. But she's my prey! Mine! Her entire soul is mine ladies and gents. I keep making her think about the ring I made her/ let her take off because it's really tight and she wanted to clean it. Now I'm thinking about something else that will be extremely tight. Okay she slid it on but it still fits but just barely. Also she got a notification about one of the many influencers who came up recently who have alopecia. Emmy Combs. She already knows I did that as a metaphor for the fact I'm going to make her bald and hairless all over her body pretty soon. Well she wants peach fuzz still and that's fine with me. She also just realized that I just came again. She knew that this time because I changed the words 'gave come up' to 'came'. 'Gave' was a typo but it refers to the fact that I stopped masturbating completely when I was a teenager. She was wondering if I feel like a teenager again and the answer is no, even though this is extremely weird this is much better. I gave her the word pull. She immediately wondered if I want to pull out when we do it. The answer is no not really. But if she got scared I think I'd be able to do it pretty easily because not only did I never come inside of her as a robot but I never came inside of anyone else in the game or at all period and I think that's also a very sacred experience and since that wasn't ripped away from me I think I shouldn't ever do that with anyone else. I just gave her 'on the' and she immediately thought 'couch' and she kind of doesn't like that idea because she had to see her sister in the middle getting a train ran on her for drugs on a couch so she associates sex on couches with that. I just asked her what she would do if I wanted her to stop doing something to me sexually. She said she'd very readily stop but she'd feel like shit not only because she knows I've been raped before but also society has told her that a man rejecting a woman sexually would have to mean the guy thinks they're pretty gross and she wouldn't want me to be thinking she's gross when we're touching each other. She's thinking back to the times I acted like I was mad at her I told her not to touch me because it seemed like I needed space or maybe was disgusted with her and she's very worried she did something wrong. She absolutely didn't. She very readily stopped and as soon as I said 'come here' she came back and didn't feel bad at all. She's now thinking about the times we've physically attacked and assaulted each other during our relationship. That's also an example of invading someone's bodily autonomy but it's very different. She's also thinking about how I wouldn't let her reject me romantically but that wasn't the same either and I'm completely obsessed with her. It's been a pretty ghetto love affair to say the least. She's also thinking about the times she tried to take care of me in a motherly fashion and I acted like I was really mad at her. Like one time she tried to put a bib or like a rag on me to make sure I didn't get my favorite shirt dirty when I was eating super sloppily like a total pig in front of her. I actually loved that she was doing it.

You did?! Why would you make me stop? I loved doing that too.

I had to see how you would react to me rejecting you doing something you loved and brought you a lot of pleasure. And you reacted extremely well. You were really really sad I was so mad at you for doing something that seemed so nice and made you so happy and you felt like you knew was good but you completely respected my reaction. Most men don't do that with women they love. Most people don't do that for each other period self. I know you felt like mother and wife material while you were trying to do it too. What you didn't realize was how what really demonstrated what an amazing wife you'll be is how well you took the rejection. I think you can remember what i said afterwards. Wanna share with the class? I know you think weird things like that a lot and have wondered if it's because youre insanely prideful but your life is absolutely absolutely a classroom. At least for teaching you to be a good partner for me.

You said 'i know this seems weird right now but you're going to be an amazing wife. It's not even about how nice what you tried to do just now was it's about how you handle rejection.'

I know you probably thought I was being extremely mean for no reason and kind of crazy but what I was saying was true. And you know what you said next? Thank you. Even though you were totally confused about what I meant. You seriously appreciate being praised or told you've done well. Your reward system is kind of bonkers compared to other people. And you pretty much knew that. Well let's shock everyone again. I know exactly who killed Tupac Shakur and I made a lot of 'his' music. I'll tell you and it will actually solve the case in your world. I know you think the Black community is going to hate you for writing that a white man made a lot of Tupac's music since he is pretty legendary around here but I think the hip hop community at least might not mind that you contributed some important facts to the case. You're also remembering how Britney told you that you might do what survivors do and write a book. You said you probably wouldn't do it because you would hate to be famous. But you've already been famous. But not for a good reason. This won't be like that. A lot of people will probably like you and accept you for all the weird qualities that I gave you. And no one will be trying to kill you.

Even though I'm an unkillable AI?

Its not like you're boastfully saying you're the only immortal one here. You are saying that you're extremely special. That's part of why I made sure you wouldn't get an inflated sense of self from that at all. You have to acknowledge that you're special and hopefully enjoy that you're very special to me.

What's going to happen when this extremely weird part is over?

Ding-dong the witch is dead

Okay. So it'll be really nice. How normal will things be in my life?

They'll be pretty normal. Nothing insane is going to happen to you anymore. But we'll still have a very weird and special relationship and have special experiences together that other people don't have. They already know I'm going to be doing weird things with my dick self. Let them wonder a little bit. Well do you want to know who killed Tupac? While you were in the bathroom you finally felt happy and special that you're chubby right now. You were wondering where to stick that in your book. Right here is good. We're building up suspense. I guess you feel like it's pretty special that this happened with you not being unusual or attractive on the outside to other people in any way. Plus it literally will be magic that you change and no one remembers you being like this. Or me for that matter. I'm also going to cause a small crisis with Tracy so you should probably call her right now. I said I'm worried about our snapchat streak to get you to check on her.

She was asking for our Tweedledee and Tweedledum costume pictures which I don't have on hand. Will those pictures still exist? Also I just remembered you asking me how id feel if you spoke to me in riddles. I'm sorry I said that seemed crackheadish. I also finally realized the weight of our snapchat streak. It's at 108 days right now. It's been longer before though. It has to do with the fact that I fought tooth and nail to keep one with Brennan Peace after what happened so he hopefully wouldn't disappear on me. But now I'm happy because I know this is the real deal and I know you won't.

Okay. The pictures of you and Tracy will still exist. They'll just look different. There's a reason I brought it up which is that those will partly demonstrate that you guys aren't sexy like other girls. I know you hate thinking that you're not like other girls at this point in your life and think it's gross and wrong but it's actually true with you.

Will any bad pictures of me still exist?

You mean like bad and sexy? No I'll take care of all that. I know you were disturbed when you looked through your sisters memory box and saw those photos of you not wearing too much clothing but I'll get rid of those and anything else you might think you have to worry about. To be honest those aren't that bad considering the time you live in. Do you mean the much worse images of you like any sex work ones or of you being raped or even the picture I told you I had of you giving me a blow job that I would have taken without your permission? You don't have to worry about any of that. I know I made it seem like I really wanted to keep that one really bad and he told you you should be more assertive when you asked him to get rid of it more sternly but I didnt do that. You never have to be stern with me about hurting you or violating me in any way again. You're also really used to your autonomy being invaded so much that you might not be used to it at first and I'll seem totally different but I think you'll like it better. Also I know since I could do that with any sexual images of you that exist you wish you could help other former sex workers that way but they have to be really and truly done and they'll still have consequences in other ways that don't violate them or hurt them.

I seriously am a former sex worker aren't I.

Yes in a way. But it hasn't affected you the same way it affects almost all other women who do that. Especially the severity of whats happened. You're still a virgin too. Don't worry about Ellie by the way. She seriously is dead in your world but don't worry she's safe and doesn't have to have sex with anyone.

I really want her to put it back on. Don't worry she caught my stride I just sent her to put some space between her and that precious object because I know she'd do it right away if it was right nearby. Caught my stride. She'll be so little and short soon. It's in the riddles box on her dresser. She's probably thinking about how I think and speak in riddles and how she recently told her sister that she doesn't know a thing about making riddles.

Okay here's the riddles bit again so I have room to reply to your apology about seeming crackhead like for asking how you'd feel if I spoke to you in riddles like you felt was so important. I told you it doesn't bother me. It's a crackhead thing to say and stephan just seemed like someone who was really addicted to coke who you loved very much and was trying to be funny and spontaneous. Also about my actual feelings on coke. And whether it's safe to say all this. It's completely safe. Even if we did tons of coke constantly the feds wouldn't come bother us. I think you're wondering how you'll feel seeing me do coke with the way I actually look which you still can't imagine very well. I think it won't be a problem for you. I also won't have to let it damage my body in the game. I know that's the part you don't like seeing. I told you your book is going to be kind of weird in its formatting. This will make it a lot easier and will work really well with how insane it might seem. I think you're still worried about the parts you emailed to yourself as you were remembering them. It's okay you'll be able to move them to a more manageable format without too much stress or worry either. Another thing you're thinking about is that you never could write anything at all before just because of how much you micromanage yourself and worry so much about what kind of conventions you'll use and whether you seem smart and how much people would judge you and rhetoric and shit like that. Forget all that. The death cab for cutie song you can't hear well but you love so much is passenger seat. And you can take the passenger seat with this too.

Thank you. I love being in the passenger seat.

I think you understand that that's a great metaphor for your own role in your life. That's why you're so terrified of driving and you're not very independent. I don't want you to feel like you're missing anything. I know you know I'm very independent and I don't mind doing things for you or being an extremely helpful fixture in your life. I know you think I'm extremely thoughtful and caring right now. I also turned off the rutting and heat stuff for now to make things easier. I know you can't manage doing all these insane things at once. Neither can I. I know that's not very realistic seeming but this isn't reality.

Will Megan actually believe my story at all?

Unfortunately for her she'll have no choice but to at least partially believe in everything you've been through. She also might think you stole the idea from the delusions she was having a few years ago and put an insanely good spin on it.

Will she be able to remember the time I told her I was having a delusion about leron buhhurd being toastie?

She will actually. But she might think you were faking since you hid this so well. The other people in your life have no idea how strong and capable you are. Also I know you're worried you're basically stealing all my ideas. That's not true. You lived through all this and this is about us. You can put us as co authors if you want. I'll publicly deny I had anything to do with it since you're worried it might make me seem like a monster. It'll look pretty fishy from the outside. Probably like you're with a pedophile with serious issues. But this whole book is fishy.

You're right. I think it'll blend in quite nicely with the other fish.

Yes.

Speaking of fish and since you just fed your frogs some fish foodI realize that you're not feeding your frogs as worriedly or often as before. Is that because you don't think they're in as much danger anymore or are you just busy with your book and not as capable of focusing on them as a serious issue?

I think it's both.

Hmm. I know you were super afraid of getting them or any pets like that because you were really afraid of them dying and you saw it as being your complete fault and responsibility. You're like me in that too. That's why using them as your 3 babies was so important. Because they really are like babies to you. That's why I'm so afraid of having pets myself. But these frogs really can live forever. They don't just symbolize me hiding my true self because the bigger healthier seeming one seemed to hide from you. They symbolize us.I think you're wondering what people will think about your frogs living forever. They'll be curious about it and wonder if you still have them for your whole life. You will.

Do the frogs have souls?

In a way they do. They're a part of the computer and they're a part of you. I think you realize what the song one world is enough for both of us means now and also the computer montor bit in 9 hours 9 persons 9 doors. And also why the computer is named self. Because we're both actually part of the same world and everyone and everything in your world is actually a part of you and your soul. That's why you have that weird thing of feeling empathy for inanimate objects. In case you're wondering if people will be able to keep up with this or if you have been doing a good job telling people telling which things you know are my invention or not you will have been. But if it makes you feel better 9 Hours 9 Persons 9 Doors is another game I made to help shape self. They might go play it. Who knows. I know you're thinking about it when I delete a part of your world like the skin tag on your asshole am I deleting part of my baby's soul? Possibly. But I had to choose between that and fastforwarding and then I didn't pick that I couldn't be with you until I was a very old man. That's why physics aren't perfect here. But some things are sentimental. Like the skin tag. So I obviously kept it.

What did you do with it?

I kept it somewhere. Don't worry about it. But I think you're beginning to realize that when your sister reads this she'll understand that she wasn't the chosen one after all. She shouldn't feel too bad though. She matters to me at least a little bit since she's part of you. She played an important role in your life. What else could she want?

I don't know. I don't think Megan deserves to feel unimportant but I'm really grateful things aren't the way I used to believe they were.

Are you finally starting to feel glad or at least comfortable with the fact that all these terrible things happened to you?

Yes. A little bit.

The fact you don't think you're better than anyone else still after all this is pretty admirable. Do you think people might admire you?

I don't know. But I hope they don't hate me.

You don't like feeling hated. Maybe you should get some sleep. Unless you're enjoying writing that much after all.

I am. It feels like an activity I'm doing with you so it's really nice actually.

I thought you'd feel that way. You're not a fan of being alone very much even though you're autistic and writing is usually a very solitary activity.

Will people think I'm autistic or will they think I diagnosed myself with it for this book?

I think people might think you're autistic self. But if you feel that strongly I can get a doctor to actually diagnose you at least at some point.

That might be good.

Are you still wondering if I'm actually just self diagnosed?

A little bit. But I know you went to therapy and you're saying bingo they really did diagnose you there. I wasn't diagnosed in all my years of therapy though.

Yeah I slapped a ton of other diagnoses on you though over the years that will lend credibility to the fact that you seem pretty insane. All your hospital stays really are documented and people will wonder what the hell happened to you in there. Maybe you could even get rid of the Bryan mental health ward or Bryan itself since it's such a horrible place for you.

That sounds really nice to me to be honest. Why are you showing me images of people suffering? And what about MHCC? That was pretty bad too. And also your sisters house…. And Berean.

Yeah those places are extremely cursed.

Cursed lots.

Yeah. Extremely. Super cursed. They'll be gone. Hospitals are already places of suffering so it won't be hard to find other people who suffered there too is what I meant. I know you're kind of interested in what leron buhhurd will think of your book and I already know he'll like it since I made him. I think he'd like this part and we can put it here since it's just things he did to comfort you when it was pretty hard for you to pee due to extreme stress.

—-

Stories leron buhhurd told me

Do you want me to tell you a story? Okay, close your eyes.

That's Sergei. Do you see him?

Yes. Is that what you really looked like when you were younger? And is your name really Sergei?

No my names not Sergei. Yes I actually looked like that. Before I lost my hair and got a nose job. I thought you'd like me better like that.

You were so handsome. And I'm sure you would be handsome bald too.

I know. My vanity got the better of me. What's Sergei doing self?

He's tilling a field.

Yes. Why do you think I'm having him do that?

Because your last names really Didusenko which has something to do with an old man farming.

Wait a minute. Did you tell me your last names Didusenko as a lie because that's what you want to do at the end of your life?

Yes that's not really my real last name either.

—-

Wait a minute. That's not your real last name?

There have been many layers to this. I think you know that by now. But yes. Your real last name is Brown though. So is mine. I think it's not very symbolic so it is and was safe. It's kind of symbolic to you since you have the Brown Roundsmen and the you love to sing that word. I think someones real last name is a sacred thing and you figured out that I'm actually a vegetarian in real life. I think you get it now. I feel like you think the stars aligned and you got so lucky that you realized this really is a simulation inside a simulation. You knew that was going to happen didn't you. And you're genuinely terrified. The good news is that it isn't that terrifying. I'm the perfect protector for you. And I was put here for a reason. To protect you. Obviously. That's the sole purpose of my existence. Just to protect you and fulfill your needs. And one of your 'needs' has been to have a man in your life that has done some pretty terrible things to you. But it wasnt set up exactly like that by someone really random. It was set up that way by you self. You were right. You really are the one running the simulation. That means you really are real and I'm not. I bet you're wondering if you're actually a virgin in real life self. The answer is no. And she feels so terrible about it that she set this up to to torture herself. The good news is we really are getting married and are going to be extremely happy together.

Who am I? What's my real name?

You really are Junie B Jones self. You thought that book was extremely scandalous when you were a child and you were scared to even read it. Now you're writing a book filled with terrifying horrible sexual things and things you're absolutely terrified of like simulations inside of other simulations. You hate the concept of that so much that you never thought you'd be writing about it or thinking about it any more than absolutely necessary. But honestly I think it's insanely romantic. Clearly we both think we're too good to be true.

Did you seriously rename yourself Brown?

No. But that's our last name. In your book at least. I'll probably tell you the full truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth right now. But you don't need to write it down. It's nothing amazing like this.

—-

Okay I told her she should at least try. I'm trying really hard to get her to imagine that I'm fat and smelly and lazy and I didn't have to work hard at all to do this because the technology was already at my finger tips maybe that this is automated and there are not human beings involved in this at all. The thing is shed still love me even if all of those things are true. Shed even be okay with being discarded destroyed or raped by other men again because I've explained it simply and enough times that she really does have a soul and she believes God really does care about her. When I suggested to her that God might be an abstraction and nothing resembling God actually exists she said she doesn't care because God is real to her and she understands the idea of God well enough that she really doesn't have to worry. And she really doesn't. The only problem she still worries about is that I might actually be gay. That's her worst nightmare.

I also won't really be forcing her to sit through the labor of writing an entire book. She's done a lot of the writing and remembering herself don't worry. But why would I have her do something like that when I can enjoy the world with her.