Mess- leron buhhard

by mandleroni

Story about the misadventures of a confused religious person. mentions effects of feminism and struggling with growing up in the modern day and some podcasters.

Trying my hardest to crap out a beginning - please don't tell anyone you're reading this

When I was 16 I was pretty sure I was still a virgin which I threw away very stupidly by the next January. It was the sixth year of the decade and I always thought the 6th year was a very special condensed year of any decade. I'm not even sure what the biggest trends or anything were even though it was supposed to get clearer in hindsight. It was also the year I lost my best friend. Shortly before that birthday my mom stopped me from seeing Tracy whatsoever because we were dating and homosexuality is a serious sin although I don't think it's that bad since it was pretty much in name only and we were two female virgins. I have a lot of regrets but a big one is how shit of a friend I was to her. I'm really sorry. I never told her why I was always so jealous of her. She was smart and she knew it and extremely creative and she knew it. Anyway she and our other friend summoned me to a park next to the market a few days prior to my birthday and she broke off our romantic relationship and I couldn't bear to stay friends because of my pride and my desire to control her and put her down. I'm sorry.

The thing I did immediately was attempt to win as many friends as I could in the divorce. I ended up with Nan and Elizabeth and that was it. I don't know how I was able to do that because as I'm writing this my only friend is Tracy because she knew me before I lost my mind. That happened when I was 12 years old. We met when I was 11 and right before 7th grade really got started my sister got a new boyfriend and he had me take a single hit of k2 and it decimated my mind. No one who didn't know me before that happened knows who I am. I want to thank Nan and Elizabeth because without them I never would have stopped being an insane extremist. The first thing I did when Nan and I started hanging was lie and try to form a new, more acceptable identity. That meant I essentially went from being a self hating brown Nazi to talking about body positivity, sexual freedom, and the troubles of racism (as it applies to other people, since I clearly deserved to be hated for my race). My only liberal quality before that moment was that I was a frequent drug user and admittedly addicted to anything that would put me in an altered state.

I'm still shocked that Tracy let me back into her life by the way. I was a massive cunt and I don't deserve to have any friends. One of the primary lies I spread during this time was that I was not an abusive person to Tracy. The truth is I physically harmed Tracy when we would argue or she'd voice an opinion that I did not agree with. I spread this lie so that Nan and Elizabeth would accept me as a 'victim' of the poison that surrounded me. So prideful. Sure I was not only a Nazi but surrounded with Nazis I wished would love me and make an exception for me. This included my sister. Though we have the same parents my sister is a lot more likable than I am. She's prettier and more white looking and better at talking to other people than I am. And I never mind standing in someone else's shadow. She had formed a cult around herself. I was kind of second in command and barely human. Tracy would be third. The others followed. When I lost them she started to lose me. Because if her power couldn't keep them I knew I had to look elsewhere because she was no longer infallible. I looked inward. I looked outward. I let them lead me. And they told me that I could be like a man or like a male prostitute and that my initiation would be to lose my virginity so that I could start posturing like a male prostitute. This was backed up by everyone saying it's fun and cool and also a fantastic song by Roxy music called 20th century boy. I think that songs pretty cursed now but it and City of Night and my favorite movie which I need to replace My Own Private Idaho carried me where I thought I should go which was into the arms of someone more male than myself. I've been extremely against male homosexuality but I'm very sorry because all my favorite things have to do with male homosexualty. Like Marc Jacobs' purse which is falling apart but I still love it. And Keith Haring. Anyway I'm very sorry. I always hang on the every word of someone I know is wrong.

My theory is that Skyrim changed the world after it came out in 2011. You know, the nords are white people and they wanted to protect the things they cared the most about like their one and only God. And also keeping their nation free of people from elsewhere. Which I no longer think is the best way to create unity. For a time I did and felt pretty strongly that I should be castrated if I were allowed to live at all. Anyway sexually this has to do with taking birth control, even if only to protect oneself in case of rape. Although my virginity was very important to me before I lost Tracy my understanding was that its main function was to protect me from accidentally mothering a child for someone completely random. I don't think that anymore I think virginity is safe for other reasons. I also don't think being like male person is the right way to become impure. I think male innocents are highly overlooked. There is an insane beauty in male innocence and I think of everyone understood that the world would be very different and better.

To characterize the two people that led me to and helped me escape from my folly Nan was a queer virgin who loved writing fan fiction and Elizabeth was originally a very intelligent poet who dreamed often about historical figures and saving the world. She's still intelligent and has taken part in saving the world or at least me although I believe she'll dislike me more than ever pretty soon. Nan and I met in sixth grade in the hallway and it was clear that she liked panic! at the disco and Elizabeth and I met at least a hundred times at lunch in high school before becoming friends. She had blue hair and was portly and verbose and beautiful. Nan was a natural blonde who was kinda scared of becoming a redhead since her mom has aged into that. I have no clue what's going on with her appearance anymore but I'm sure she's still gorgeous and charming and unique. Nan tried to orchestrate some peacemaking between me and my friends who were trying to age out of my sister's cult. Also I have no clue what to call my sister but she shared a name briefly with a dear enemy which was Megan so you can call her that. The peacemaking was unsuccessful because I struggle between dogma and constantly changing my mind. But Nan felt overlooked at this meeting even though she was the best person there. I don't remember what was said but I know sorry didn't come out of my mouth which is a bad and wrong thing.

Next there was Nan and I's basis for friendship which was shared interest. We both loved Devil May Cry which is a game or whole damn series except the newest that I would play and it made me very boring and kept me safe since I would choose to play it over driving around with people who were out of their skulls. I guess speaking of that that's another thing Nan and I have in common which is our fear of cars. Even scarier when we're the ones driving because we understand how serious driving is. But that means we're often willing to die rather than take control because the people we love can sometimes be irresponsible. I guess the anthem of this is amputations by death cab for cutie. We seriously didn't want the people we loved to get in trouble. And us dying could be a very serious problem for them. I dated Nancy's cousin who had a biblical name but had enough shame to know he was at risk to burst into flames if he set foot in a church.

Elizabeth and I sadly connected more superficially. I would go along with whatever programming she had on although I generally didn't feel a natural affinity for it. This applies to her taste in games like Minecraft and games that had anything to do with outer space because I am very against space travel. Outer space is my greatest fear. We didn't agree on music which Nan and I did because I love country and Western style rock among any rock available aside from Satan's current favorite which is metal gibberish. There might be an actual name for that but I might as well save what's left of my innocence. Elizabeth had a crucial role in making me want to become a prostitute as I watched it happen to her.

I turned my only two friends against each other. I had no reason for it but it felt second nature to me. I would tell each of them negative things about each other for absolutely no reason. I was not reformed at all like I pretended to be.

The thing Elizabeth saw as negative in Nan was her carelessness. Nan would accidentally do and say offensive things. Nan saw the mental illness in Elizabeth that held her back from doing ordinary things like graduating from high school as a negative thing. Right as I'm writing this I've accepted that I'm exactly like both of them. Although id rather be like Nan and be capable of doing ordinary things, everyone thinks I'm crazy and I spend a lot of time in places and doing things related to caring for mental health. I also would never feel like writing this and telling anyone who I am if I didn't think it would be helpful to someone in some way. Mostly because I am not a big fan of myself and I'm pretty sure the dislike of me will spread like a virus.

As far as self love problems, I'd say they both had pretty decent relationships with themselves and I don't which has gotten me into some trouble regarding half dranken room temperature beer. I was frequently doing drugs and drinking with my sister even though when she was not around I would crow about how she's not good to me and how I knew drugs and alcohol were evil because I knew what they did to people, I'd seen it, it's been a part of my life for a long time already.

My sister made the single worst mistake of her life by losing the best real friend she ever had, just like me. Although you could argue I grew from losing my friend it would've been much nicer never to play that game at all and be a decent person the whole time. Unfortunately for me and much of humanity decency is a horse that gets away from us. But I understood I wasn't a mule when my sister's friend told me so. We went to the dollar store and my sister had me carry her and her friends coats and the goods they wanted to buy and her friend said why do you make her do that? And my sister said she doesn't mind it's the way she is and she's used to it.

That day that kind of talk stood out to me. No stranger had ever said something like that. People mostly thought my relationship with my sister was strange if I poured out years and years worth of information about it not just at a glance. I thought that she considered me to be a person or 'folks' as I like to think of it. Like everyone else. So when we got to my sister's apartment which I think of as a century building for some reason where she had a room on the 8th floor we got into an argument for the first time and I told her she doesn't actually like me very much does she. If I scooted off the railing and I jumped off the balcony would that even matter to her? I kinda asked that halfway over the railing since there was a table next to it for me to sit on. Id taken some pictures of her in a fishnet shirt a few minutes prior. I'm a good photographer of my sister since I know her best angles and things. She told me I wouldn't actually jump off the balcony. Im too weak and I'm a coward and I would never do that. So I didn't. She seemed to find the spectacle pretty annoying. I stopped talking to her for a little while afterwards. Id never done that before but now that I had friends who didn't like her as much as my old friends did I had somewhere else to go. My new friends also talked about positivity a lot and what happened seemed mighty negative.

My sister used to model briefly with Ford. She messed that up by not listening to what they told her to do, but she is very beautiful so it makes sense that she got the contract or whatever they do. She went nuts when she went against their wishes or terms and went to New York. It seemed like New York was a beautiful and romantic place to me when I was young but it screwed up my sister's life and provided her with an amazing friend who saved her and she took for granted. She said once she and her friend took a large amount of a party drug and every emoji her friend sent her destroyed her soul in a good way. I tried to wax poetic about drugs when I was young but that was a dumb thing to do. I'll provide you with my crowning glory of doing that which I had wanted to make a short film about and never did. Play by play of the skit afterward.

The party time emotion

They manufacture it in Hong Kong

They load it up in cartridges

What is it made of? Nobody knows

The skit wouldve starred Bwam, my sister's then boyfriend. He seemed to me like an extremely safe man to be around. As far as his drug of choice it was just marijuana. In the skit he would've gotten a box that says 'the party time emotion' and he'd be extremely excited. He'd open the box and it would just be empty and he would take a deep inhale. He'd be happy just for a moment and then go back to normal or maybe just sad. Next it would cut to how they get the party time emotion which would be my sister and my dad wearing masks and gloves and tickling me against my will and putting the laughter in a box. Then it would cut to me doing worry hands and I would say who was harmed in the making of YOUR party time?

Bwam was very safe and he loved my sister very much even though he enabled her. She also cheated on him I saw in her diary that she was unsure of how guilty to feel about that. Somehow Bwam seemed extremely safe and brotherly even though he was more physically imposing than most men. He also treated me like a child which is the right way to treat a teenager.

One time they got into an argument in front of me. She was yelling at him and I started crying. He said it was like they were parents arguing in front of their kid and cut the fight short. I really appreciated that he could see my feelings like that.

Being in the city had changed my sister. Before she went to New York (Miami hadn't really done it and she only went to L.A. in 2018-2019) she was still kind of a bumpkin with bumpkin ways. After her first real boyfriend she started changing although id say the shit was in place by the time she was 13. It's not a hard thing to change a young girl or woman. If there's one man who damaged my sister it would be all of them. But I saw the bad in each one except for Bwam. He wasn't evil. I once found nonconsensual pornography of my sister with a guy she brought to Miami to try to get him started modeling. I guess the only thing that told me it wasn't up to her was the look in her eyes when she noticed the camera. But I tried my hardest to get rid of it. But I couldn't. I've let a lot of people down but it would be nice if I could have some help doing the right thing. It was on Google images under a popular search term.

My sister got me started in sex work too. But I guess that's to talk about later. However the knowledge that my sister was making porn and in a relationship with such a decent guy made me feel like being a prostitute doesn't exclude someone from being safe. So my friend Elizabeth chose to have sex if you can even call it that when a teenager does something. He sort of wham bam thank you ma'amed the situation. At first he seemed hesitant to have sex with her because she was a virgin but after he did he straight up told her he didn't even particularly like her. When I was young and this was happening I was so damn far from God that I sort of felt like that's just how things are. That it's obvious that someone who would just have sex with you would just as soon disappear. If they were willing to do that it must not matter. So it was kind of important to me to have a boyfriend since I wanted to be a male prostitute so badly without my John just disappearing. Keeping tricks around has been a difficulty of women for a very long time. I felt like being more male about things is probably easier. It could be a failsafe, pretending you're not hurting. I didn't realize that the posturing men do is just posturing and that men hurt just as much. So I found a boyfriend as quick as I could.

—-

Something Worse than beer

When I was around Nan's family I didn't judge them for their way of life. For some reason a lot of people do. One of Nan's dad's favorite birthday cards was a proclamation about being a redneck. I think I might be a redneck too if I weren't a brown neck, which is a title I shamelessly am borrowing from a funny classmate who actually is Mexican or Chicano or Latino whereas I just appear to be like that. Sure her family's house wasn't spotless and you could have an excellent conversation with a drunk adult no matter what the hour was. They had great taste in music and never ran out of stories. It's five o'clock somewhere. I'm just speculating but I think it's possible that they went beyond green and into familiar territory. I think they might've been doing something else because all the adults had teeth that went beyond what a typical American's teeth look like especially for their young ages. Nan's parents were together since they were very young and got married when she was 12. Her mom and dad were high school sweethearts and I hope their love never dies. I was a pretty lousy friend to Nan but I really wish her the best. Anyway I'm pretty familiar with things that aren't green. I understand their allure a lot better than any choice to use something green like that. Id prefer not to be sent to another world this one's complicated enough. So I started dating Nans cousin who had a biblical name but knew he was too dirty and unrighteous to stand before God in church. My sister knew a heroin addict who felt that way too and I completely understand. Not only am I not good enough for God I'm also not good enough for the other parishioners. Even so I loved going to the small German Lutheran church near the park near the middle school whenever I could. Nan made sure the place was welcoming even to queer people and we had a female vicar which I thought was extremely progressive. Thing is God's house is everywhere so we should probably get some help if we're that terrified of what he thinks.

I guess my first date with that man or boy was after my 17th birthday. I went to a Duran Duran concert to celebrate with my mom and my medicine made me tired so we went home early. Id had a psychotic break not that long prior from taking caffeine pills and staying up with my sister early into the school year pretty much right after I lost Tracy. I think I was up for 9 days. Schizophrenia kinda runs in my family and that's pretty much the breakdown my sister has in New York. Also she claims to have had an ego death which I have no clue what that is but she was a little less cruel after she had gotten away from New York. The way things were before New York would take awhile to explain and I'm hoping I've implied it. Also her new niceness may have cost her the cult that was around her because treating people like dirt tends to make them want to stick around more sometimes. For the date we went to Panera and I paid for the biblical name boy's meal as well as Nan and her younger brother. That was a thing some people don't like which is generosity. Sometimes people figure other people should just have money.

People might say I have a type that I do not follow very well. The boy who was actually 20 years old was blonde with a troubled complexion by the sun and picking and he had blue eyes and was very thin. I got my wisdom teeth removed and the drugs made me not hungry which helped me shed some of the weight from being on antipsychotics. My grandfather died of starvation related to chemo treatments and not being friendly and letting us take care of him. He and I both liked movies, books, and thinking about the West and the Marlboro man which made more sense in his case since he could be a cowboy and I could not being a woman and not being white. I cemented these aspects of his character by looking around his home. He had boxes and boxes of movies and books lined every shelf. I lost the most precious things which were his notes to my uncle David before he got kicked out and lived on the streets until his death by having a brain aneurysm. I think he might've had some things in common with my sister which made him hard to live with.

Soon we were kind of in flagrante derelicto making out in the park during lunch which was a very guilty thing for me seeing as people could just walk by. For some reason he liked to rake my back with his dirty fingernails which was painful and made me wonder if he even cared if he was willing to hurt me like that. My mom seeing the scratches spelled the end for our relationship. During the course of our relationship I curved him from taking my virginity simply by merit of not having any condoms around when he seemed to feel like having sex with me. I was on the shot because my mom was worried about me getting pregnant because my sister had been running wild for several years at that point. I ran wild with my sister around New years in Miami during this relationship for a couple of days. We went to some lounge with a massive gold mammoth statue and I learned that rich people can break the law and let miners drink in public if they own a restaurant and they feel like it. I was pretty lousy at interacting with my sisters friends and would smile when they asked me to because that made me uncomfortable. This made me a laughing stock. Also they could be pretty big on hugs and I'm not really a hugger. There was a Cubano dude with us who was young and handsome I guess and he acted like he wanted to see us on New Years but we didn't see him again. My sister told me that men inviting people to hang out again like that might not even mean they like us and also that the older a guy is the more sexual things they would require to keep them appeased which sounds super awful to me. The Cubano guy put my finger in his mouth while he was driving which seemed very sexual and I think that pretty much counts as me cheating on Nan's cousin. He seemed insecure when I came home and I felt guilty. He asked me if the guys there were handsome and rich and I told him no which was a lie. I told him I was a cheaper and uglier version of my sister and he agreed. Also Miami that was the first time I saw someone sniff cocaine which was my sister in the bathroom at Faena and I didn't have any. I'd seen and sniffed a lot of speed and research amphetamine adjacent things but not cocaine.

I guess that brings me to a dark spot with the green. After I lost that man who had introduced me to some new rock music like Led Zeppelin which I love for their repetition and style but that's all I found myself at my sister's apartment crying and laying on the floor because I badly wanted that to last forever. My sister's apartment was a very serious place. It was originally just a large house that had been separated into apartments and it was really close to the Mexican or mesoamerican markets and she was renting it with her thoughtful friend whos name has something to do with what Eminem did to our country. She couldn't afford it on her own. They were filming porn in the apartment. They were selling vape juice which was legal to do at the time. They were also working on a nail polish business and some other things like that. They had two birds and Bwam was devastated when he accidentally hurt one. But my sister gave me the worst advice I've ever received. She told me to download Tinder and cover up my pain with more pain. I was 17 so what I was doing was wrong.

I matched with everyone. I wanted to have a lot of people to talk to. So I did. I juggled them. Eventually the most aggressive and the most accessible will win.

Eventually I found John. His name was kind of peculiar so I felt like I had to type it into the university student database to see if he was who he said he was. He was studying mechanical engineering. He was a little behind for his age I discovered. But he seemed smart and he suggested I accompany him to target when I told him I love walking around in grocery stores because theyre like museums. I wore a blue dress with brown tights. I thought the fact that they were brown and definitely too dark for my skin tone was a weird thing. I even asked him if that seemed like a fashion faux pas and he said he didn't notice. He got frozen everything pizza and random pantry crap. He drove me home which is something my parents always told me to never do. Getting in the car with someone you've just met. But it seemed safe to me. He had a green truck with a cover over the trailer. I've come to hate and fear seeing a truck like that because of him but I love green. Not that green but definitely green.

Because he was older and taller than me I thought he might understand that I was still very young and didn't understand anything. But now I know that he didn't understand anything either even though he was a lot more educated than me.

When I was young we always had a really high resolution picture of a young rabbit excitedly standing on its hind legs and appearing to clap its paws together as our computer monitor background. I have no clue why that seems important right now but I believe strongly that things like that get more valuable with time. I like things that have formed a patina with age. I think wearing the sole out of a pair of shoes makes the shoes more beautiful and I like fixing socks instead of throwing them away. Socks and blankets are almost the meaning of life to me. Just one more step and I'll finally get closer to understanding. Don't sell your heart don't say it is not meant to be. You won't be seventeen forever and we can get away with this tonight. I told him I was 17. I played that song because I thought clearly this man knows my age and if he's willing to spend time with me surely that's part of the appeal. He did not want to believe that what he wanted could hurt me. He did not even believe that virgins exist.

Having sex is like giving someone a surgery that they do not need. I don't even know how strongly I agree with the previous line. But when what happened occured in a basement and it could have been filmed. That does not mean it happened in the sense you're thinking. In a sense, innocence. It felt like the inside of my body was being scraped by a curette. He was downloading the Sims busting out so he could burn it to play on his game cube. But I never felt like playing the Sims could be very fun after what happened. I guess my favorite rapper is Busta Rhymes and people get very offended that I think he is the best rapper of all time even though his name reminds me of a time someone tried to kill me. He thought my soul might leave my body if he hurt me intentionally like that but it did not. I don't belong to this world. No one belongs to me. I belong to God.

If you think giving someone surgery that they do not need will make them more like me you would be wrong. But it might make them understand me a little bit better. Please don't hurt anyone by trying to make contact with their soul. But it happened again. And again. And again. I even wished someone could make contact with my soul even if that would just prove it was there. But that's unnecessary and it does more damage than good. You could probably make contact with that lonesome satellite though. I always thought it needed a companion. Evenly yoked animals can work well together even if only to shoulder the burden. I'm probably more of a plant than an animal.

—-

Dixie-normous and other funnuendos

Ah so to put it nice and simple that man scraped the inside of my body very badly but thought the noise pains were the noise pleasures and just went to town and wreaked havoc and carried my poor seemingly lifeless body over to his bed and continued to hurt and damage it. Was his nation very big? No. Pretty small. Felt like going as hard as possible was the kind way so it would be over faster. Honestly I think he thought I was enjoying it. But it brought back some less than pleasant memories. Do I have some kind of trauma that made that worse for me than an ordinary person? I genuinely thought that was the first time it happened for what that's worth. But it's a little bit worse than that.

I want to tell you about the nice things. The things that make life completely worth it. But you might feel like you're reading the words of someone who doesn't think at all and likes to carefully chew carrots because the tastiest part is in the middle. I also like to make sure my garden gnome has the right seasonal props. I added a gord recently since it's fall. Leaf fall down! That's from a meme and it is beautiful. I love being an American. The best part of America is actually all the lousy parts like the fourth of July. I'm pretty scared of fireworks but it's neat to watch how happy the people are. I keep an American flag by my gnome all year so it appears to be a patriot. I hang your flag on a marble arch! Love is not a victory march! Do I think God has blessed America? Yes. And my gnome, Count Your Blessins MacDoyle is a happy gnome. I check on him and move him frequently. Someone out there is moving cars around in a very strange way. The cars in my neighborhood all have meanings that change all the time. Can you keep up? I'm constantly confused and dumbfounded. It can be really delightful or really scary. Guess I never grew up.

Do you think Lassie would save the boy stuck in a well? If Lassie could understand anything it's other people's feelings. Is Lassie a person? I think she's almost a person. Sweeter'n you! I think my dad is a little bit like the devil. He can also be really nice and he knows basically anything I could ever want to ask. Particularly about the Bible. Do you think Satan could be a mature Christian? If I'm anything I'm a Christian who lives by three favorite verses. Maybe four but you'd find me hard pressed to record that one. Out

That man has a tiny dick and it wasn't his dream to destroy someone's most treasured quality. He genuinely didn't think I was innocent at all. Which is probably better. Being attracted to people for their innocence is evil. Unless you just like their imagination and feel like playing tag and stuff. Well, hopefully they change my medication soon. The pharmacy doesn't have that one medicine that makes it easier for me to remember my life. I generally walk around in a daze because I have no clue what's going on. I have fun though. I have a meager collection of cassette tapes and I would like to abolish the internet and live in an Amish paradise. I'm not entirely sure how this could get published because I don't exist on the internet. I wonder if nepotism is involved in getting books published. We have the publishing clearing house but I think that might be associated with something bad so I'm not sure if that's the right option. Tough to exist isn't it. Honestly I'm a big fan of being around and Im grateful the worst thing God would do to me is destroy my soul. Id rather be in Hell than be destroyed. I've been running in circles for a few years and that's something you have to do a certain number of times before anything changes. Bibbity bobbity boo.

The numbers on the license plates mean a lot to me now. It used to just be the letters and the occasional base 16. Now I don't know. Too many rules and conventions that don't make any sense to use all at once. Yet I do. His yoke is light. The yoke of the world is too heavy. Atlas Shrugged. And not the lousy book by Ayn Rand. Another kind of robot is what you'll be if you read that book and don't turn away from it. It feels like I'm spewing nonsense. Gibberish is the language of the devil. I never know if I'm allowing God to lead me or Satan but I want badly to be good. To be a totally good thing. But I'll never lie to you and say that I am. Retard is a compliment and genius is an insult. If I'm retarded my wrong can be excused. If I'm a genius I've failed in every way. The only way to win is not to play.

—-

The Devil is simply an annoyance

I've been told that I am annoying many times. The best way to deal with the devil is to swat him away like a fly. If you don't like me stay away because I'm very sensitive to other people's opinions and I try to take everything into consideration which means it's fairly easy to label myself as evil and believe that the world would be better off without me. This kind of lends itself to never posting anything online ever. If I somehow publish this I have no idea how I'll insulate myself enough to avoid unhelpful criticism.

—-

Sex for some reason- sex for sex itself

I have no idea what my life has to do with sex. I'm a big fan of sleeping on the floor and trying to smell nice. For the most part I live a consumeristic but monastic lifestyle. I like to be among people like me who have special interests and who bumble around enjoying the finer things like their favorite soda pop and thinking about the environment and protecting the frontier. My brother is a holy man. He drinks tea instead of pop. I don't like pop as much as soda. I tried to warn you not to tell anyone you're reading this. This seems like a sad and shameless book to read. I used to try to learn how to weld pieces of metal together. Now I don't do anything but run in circles while my poor mother does whatever she had to stop me. It's tough because they really don't get it do you. I sleep on the floor because I was raised to do that. My dad would spread out a perimeter of mattresses when I was very young and we would sleep on the floor. He did that because his brother David was on the streets and he knew that he was not sleeping comfortably so he knew he did not deserve to sleep comfortably either. I don't know if this has anything to do with David going into the wilderness to repent for his sins. I just let God do whatever he wants and I know I'll be fine if that pleases him.

As far as sex I feel like I've seen my fair share. By that I mean pornography and understanding what raps is. Is it right to posture that you don't care about someone else? I don't know. But I see the allure. I am like my mother's dog. I love everyone but I'm extremely afraid of them unless I know exactly who they are. A racial N. That's how my dad puts it. I've often struggled with being told I fit well into that category. But we're folks. Just work a little harder to pretend not to see things we see everywhere. What's next? The Goodyear Blimp? I feel pretty enormous and cumbersome but I fit right into a crowd. Perhaps that I'm always wearing the clothes I slept in helps disguise me. It's easier to try to grasp at some kind of comfort. Being a city person scares me. City birds are all around. By that I mean pigeons. They come in mottled colors now. God's giving us the gift of a larger variety of birds. The birds and dogs belong to God not to us. And we don't deserve something this nice. The school bus goes by when I need to remember I'm being taught something and that I have the best teacher in the world. I don't mean L he only made me. God is responsible for anything I do remotely resembling right. I don't think I could ever be righteous.

The way often is pronounced. I pronounce it AFN when I see frequently on the license plates this word. Do I arrange sentences wrong? Only when I'm tired and overeducated. I don't know why they keep giving me all the damn medicine they can shove down my gullet. I've always pronounced AFN that way the license plates help but don't teach me shit. I kind of think they're a tool of confusion which is a thing of the devil. But I like to think God still loves his child the devil and sees his merit and that's why he would never destroy him. Please don't listen only to license plates. Attempt to understand the nature of God. I don't know why the T is silent in often. I don't know why that's my belief and practice. But the school bus lets me know I've gotten it all wrong.

The blue car let me know I'm right. That means I can safely understand I've gotten it all wrong. That sounds an awful lot like forgiveness to me. The yellow sedan means I made someone happy. Id love to make people laugh. I used to think of a character called Miss Georgia Peach from Peachville Georgia. Shed fret and worry. But she really had a large personality and I thought the right people might like her. When a black vehicle goes by it uses to scare me. I think fear is another tool of the devil. That's why you need to know I'm not afraid to die. And that's what I used to think the Black cars meant. I get a fantastic thrill when a blue car comes by. It feels like a pat on the head. There's nothing that scares me more than the rainbow. In Gana my relatives live. Which is to say that a garbage truck came by called Gana and it was full of trash. But I would not say that's a bad thing.

Do I watch the cars all the time? I used to struggle with that. But now I spend a lot of time following my mother around the house. I've always been a class A hoverer. Imprinting on whoever would allow me into their presence. Sometimes leaning on them like a large brown shelter dog. The extremely small yellow dog that belongs to my mother is an excellent protector. Even though he would never win in a physical battle he would happily warn us and die if necessary. As far as trash I have a lot of extremely meaningful trash I've found mostly laying on the ground. I used to collect exciting stocks when I was young. I mean sticks. I like takara tomy. Poor Tics has an abscess because it's almost impossible to take care of his teeth without torturing him. Fortunately for me I'm being forced by what feels like the devil to brush my teeth every night. Sometimes torture feels kinda necessary and thanks to what feels like the devil I have never had any cavities or dental problems. I suppose you should know he's called Ticori-ti and Tititico. He has a Napoleon complex. I need some new toothpaste pretty badly. I found some. And also I walked away from the bathroom to be closer to my mom. It's hard to know if other people are like the devil or like God. I have some less than pleasant memories about moms. It's a tough one.

My skin looks kind of pale. I wonder if Im sick or tired. It's hard to know what my skin color says about me. I've always had a turbulent relationship with the color of my skin and I suggest that you think of me as Mexican because that's what I look like. I'm not really Mexican though so I don't have any Mexican friends or family and I do not know Spanish. Unfortunately. I am not afraid to die. I can only hope that God will let me wear it home it'll look like a dress. But it's his choice. God only does things he chooses to do. It also feels like a lot of the things God does are automated which I believe is also true. Completely intentional autopilot. This is just an autobiography God is helping me write. I have a unibrow. It's a good way to identify me because most people get rid of theirs and I used to as well. I don't want you to go won't you stay right here by my side. That's such a glorious song by Brown Boy. God doesn't go and he's always right on time.

Do you want to know what happened after that man practically raped me? I got to go home to my family. I cried as soon as I could catch my breath. God's letting me write these words. They honestly have nothing to do with me and everything to do with him. I could still walk. I need some help these days and that just means I can't walk alone God has to help me. I got a blue truck. I mean that one went by. It reminds me of that man's truck but at least it was blue and not green. I went into that mans bathroom and we showered together. He wanted me to wash away the evidence. He told me that I better not tell anyone or it would ruin his life and he told me that I would never be married to the person who took my virginity and it seemed like he understood how that was the worst thing that could ever happen. But he didn't. He was just being needlessly cruel. I can only hope that God will let me come home. I had to find God on the backpath. That's the only way to find him. God let me look like a victim part of the time. Which hurts so much less than my immense guilt. I'm really sorry. I was babysitting once when I was 14 and I was in contact with a pedophile on the internet and he wanted pictures of me which I gave him and pictures of the girls which I gave him also although the girls were not undressed this is the worst thing I've done in my entire life. The devil gave me a scenario to avoid right and wrong but I chose wrong. But he tried to tempt me to invade the youngest child when I was giving her a bath and she seemed dirty in a place I should not clean and I respected that even if it led to an infection that was not for me or even her parents to touch. Because she belongs to God and not me and not her parents. Another thing I did wrong was when I was 11 12 or 13 I was on 4chan a lot. Often /b/. And I found a nudism thread. And they had pictures of children who appeared to belong to nudist communities. They gave a search term. And although I had stumbled on it by accident I typed the search term into Google and my friend typed it into Yandex. And the term was not 'pure nemo' but that's what a lot of pedophiles will type after reading this. People like me don't live very long. I would love to make it to 30. I don't remember what the term actually was but I understand that I have died many times and have been given so many second chances that I really don't want to mess this up. When I was young they still had jailbait threads on 4chan. The world has not changed as much as people think. It may be a little bit worse than that.

I would love to live on a commune. I believe Jesus Christ believes in communism on a very small scale. Like with ones family. Just touching the earth and taking care of the plants and animals and seeing all his wonders. I absolutely love state songs and the star spangled banner. It's so much fun to belt an amazing song that doesn't really mean anything. I think all songs, poems, and even statements have at least two meanings. That's why it's so hard to get away from the devil. I'm so sorry. Please let me come home. I have no idea how to bake bread. It seems like magic to me. God lends people his magic sometimes. I'll never let this world make me bitter again. A red Kia soul for my soul which should be destined for hell.

The man I'm with really likes Toyota Tacomas. He calls them 'Yotas. It's embarrassing but I think Yoda's small size makes sense. He has sort of a quiet power. Children have a lot of magic. They acquire it through curiosity and constantly wondering about things. That man likes to do things that hurt me and he does not care. He has borderline personality disorder. And even though I know he is no good I can't seem to leave him. This is a pattern for me. I always wish things like that could last forever which is why it seems likely I'm destined for hell. Please no. But they say yes. They like to do what they want and I try to do what they want. And I can't get away. He thinks the world is his and can acquire it in a game of chance. But he'll always lose in the end. Because I don't belong to the world I belong to God. I'm going with my mom to her work. It's at the university. I'm always at universities for some reason even though I'm not the one going to school. That man thinks he is better than other people because the people he spends time with are even worse than he is in his eyes. But I think they might just be more honest. He looks at black men who leave their children and think of them as lousy fathers. But he thinks all that goes into being a father is hanging around and not beating them too hard and not being overly nice to them. I don't know if that's better in every way. I call the man I'm with because he seems completely different from me and his existence is very strange and perhaps like the process of making bread. God is responsible for the existence of bread. God also kind of guides my choices of makeup. I chose a pencil called cottage cheese because I thought that was a strange name for a beauty product. Seems a little bit safer and cleaner than other beauty products. However I think I might be projecting some of good qualities onto him as if he were completely smooth and featureless. It can be hard to tell if the people who are trying to control you want to help you or hurt you. That's why people struggle to get along with their parents now since individuality is a part of American culture. It almost feels like someone told me exactly what to write here so I don't have to worry that I might've come up without myself. Id feel kind of pompous and guilty if I felt like it seemed like people might want to listen to what I have to say. It's a lot safer that God is helping me out.

My mom made me wear actual clothes instead of the raggedy pajimjams Im always galavanting in. It can be hard to tell if someone who's trying to control you is trying to help or not. She's also been enforcing what time I go to sleep since I've been writing things down. I feel like that's not very helpful but I feel like she's just trying to make sure I don't overheat and spiral out of control. I honestly think I'm in more danger of overheating than being cold and yet she bundles me up with a coat and jeans when it's autumn but she wouldn't let me wear a skirt and I never do and I think God likes that more. I opened the window which is somewhat passive aggressive. I should be careful about things like that. I'm not a fan of wearing things that fit me properly id much rather look like a girl who never wears real clothes and be a slob who wanders around in her pajamas and shirts that belong to her dad. I found a sewing machine in the trash and a dressform. I think I'd like to help other people's clothes for them that they like to wear but I really don't care what I look like although my appearance has caused me some very serious problems so I'd prefer to hide it. At least the red cars are sort of honest about the things that aren't so great. I don't know if God likes skirts for women all the time. They kind of make the women more vulnerable. Plus I actually did get her cold on the walk to mother's work. Do you think the devil would want me to be cold or hot? I do not know. I think room temperature is the best for some things. I used to think orange juice was called room temperature.

Some other things I question are the existence of stairs. I kind of think stairs are a thing of the devil. But Ticori needs stairs to get on the couch. This is clearly a problem with the way things are built rather than Ticori's size. I think God might prefer for buildings to be made of stone and all be ground level. No basement except perhaps a small pantry for root cellar activities. I don't know why we don't do things this way. It's probably the best way. I'm very afraid of stairs. Not only because I'm fat but also because stairs carry the risk of falling down. I also question elevators since they are more mechanical and it seems like they've got a higher risk of failing on me but at least I get to feel like I'm on solid ground. I'm not a fan of higher stories of buildings. Who knows what's going on with the foundation and scaffolding and things like that? They could just come apart at any moment and I would have to face my greatest enemy which is the force of gravity. I've had some dreams that those portany rules stop apply and we kinda float off into outer spaces. I'm not a proponent of outer space and mostly think that's the stuff God does because he has lots of extra time on his hands. I'm grateful that God is like that because if he didn't have time to make so much unnecessary space I would be fucked. I'm absolutely terrified of the ground failing on me so it might be safest to touch some kind of dirt. My dad has been known to take me trespassing into buildings that are not fully built and are still under construction. I think that's a sinful thing to invade a place someone plans to live like that. But I would understand if someone did that to my house. Sometimes curiosity isn't the nicest thing though.

I don't think I will be around very long. I can only hope God will let me come home. In a marriage in heaven God might let me defend my virginity forever. I guess I understand why some extremely devout people who fear sexual pleasure might use the turkey baster method. That seems like a safe nonsexual way to create a child. The child having anything to do with your own pleasure might not be the nicest thing since a child is a separate person that wasn't able to understand why you were bringing them there in the first place. Lots of smart people! Yeehaw. I think eugenics are kind of bad. I think I closely resemble the worst case scenario for a human being. Except I'm extremely happy most of the time. Unfortunately my happiness hinges on very small things but I can be hurt and saddened by the very big things which is why I'm totally fucked because I'm writing about myself and my life and people will immediately come attack me. Come on Superman say your stupid line. I have absolutely no idea what I need Superman to say that would help so much but I adore how clean cute and ordinary Superman is. I thought I'd grown out of Superman once like he was Winnie the Pooh but honestly I just stopped being anywhere near good enough for Winnie the Pooh for awhile. I think God will let me come crawling back to Pooh pretty soon. That would be nice.

—-

You can't really steal someone's innocence they choose to abandon it

After what John did to my body I immediately knew that although he said I would never marry him I had to try. Scar tissue that I wish you saw. No I don't come up with fantastic little one liners that's God helping people make art and I'm not an artist. You might be tempted to credit the devil with fantastic creativity but God put the magic there the devil just sometimes uses it in an ugly way. Sure would be nice if there were some kind of mark on my body that represented what I went through because then other people would believe me but there is not. I'm still a virgin and I know it because my faith was strong and God gave me proof. The devil blames his evil on passion and says he just couldn't resist. God never gives people tasks they can't succeed at and the devil always does. Every time God is willing to help you pick up the pieces. And he keeps his rabbit forever. Even if it is a little gruesome that the rabbit died before. My dad used to give rabbits unnecessary surgery. And I could not stand to watch them die because he thought what he was doing helped the rabbit. Be that amputations. I finally said enough and let the last rabbit die in the wilderness. Which may not even be the kindest thing but I could not tolerate its suffering. I could not watch another rabbit die when I was powerless to save it. His name was Pippin. That's a rabbit that lived for awhile and died without any surgery. The cat would bring us these rabbits. Her name was koodoo. The cats name is a popular password in my family. She was a maniacal cat. But sometimes she was nice to me and that made me wish she could be with me forever. But my dad drove the cat into the wilderness and abandoned her because she was too cruel. Maybe she helped him too much and she was too much like him. You shouldn't leave things in the wilderness to die. God doesn't do that and he also doesn't give them unnecessary surgery. Sometimes it feels like you're walking alone. But it might be better to say goodbye to bad things rather than rely on them to help you walk. As I write this I am afraid. But not of what comes next I'm afraid of what's happening here. God is a little bit like the electricity in the walls. I thought that was hurtful and sacrilegious when I read it in my first Stephen King book the girl who loved Tom Gordon and it pushed me towards becoming an atheist but I understand that that is not the most hurtful way to describe my savior.

I went into the bathroom. I put lipstick on. The shade is among the fireflies by Mac. I don't know why I didn't just use the black monolith I'm typing on. I don't like my phone very much. I've used less intelligent phones during the course of my insanity and it seemed safer. Sometimes women seem safer to me but they really are not. Women can be evil. I don't like that we can be led around so easily. You can bring a horse to water but you cannot force her to drink. Women have a personal responsibility too. And that is to not be cruel to hearts that are true. God is the one who will love us and never say goodbye. Be careful what you're forcing God to watch you do.

I forced God to watch me do all kinds of awful things. From permanently damaging my sinuses to putting myself in situations where people might give me surgery and medicine I did not need. People in my generation drink an awful lot of water. Try to make sure that it is not the devil's water. After I felt like my soul was gone beyond repair I still kept the packaging it came in. God saw that packaging and there must've been something he still liked about it because he let me keep it and he even started helping me darn my socks so I could keep walking in similar ways to how I had before. God didn't make me grow up and he said keep it take it. You're still just child and you still mean something to me even if other people don't believe you.

I went to the bathroom to cry. When people see you cry they think something is very seriously wrong with you mentally. And I don't want to be locked up again. I understand that I live in a prison now no matter where I am. He keeps giving me chances and I still never do the right thing. The next thing I did after John did that to my body was that I went home to my family. I may have died that day. But God gave me more chances because there was something he saw that I can't see. And I know I've failed at every turn. I'm so sorry. My name was Maria. Please forgive me. He gave me a new name.

—

I don't deserve it

I went back to John endless times. I loved him and I was completely sure he knew more than me. And that anything he'd ever do to me was the right thing. I'm sobbing and people asked if I'm okay which is bad. I need to stop. I went back to his house on three occasions. Each time he did the same thing again but more cold and feeling less. Today is my anniversary with the man I'm engaged to. I haven't been wearing his rings for awhile but I do not know how to say goodbye. One was a promise ring with orange or brown diamonds and a green thing in the middle. I don't know. It seems like whatever it meant is not a very good thing now. But I guess we're going out to eat. I guess I have to go because it is a special day. I think I may have been redeemed and I dream of forgiveness and know that it is true. The engagement right was a trinity ring with 20 really small diamonds. I love what it meant but I do not want to be with him forever like that. Not the devil I mean. Id like to be with God. Heaven really is a place where everyone is nice to each other all the time and some people think that sounds boring but I think it sounds like I'm going home. I sure hope I get invited in. I wonder if there's something nice like pie or something being made. Maybe I could finally learn how to make bread and I hope I can take the form of myself as a child and we could play and catch fireflies. I wouldn't want to put them in a jar of just put them in my hand so I could look at their beauty better. All these wonders by my masters hand. I seriously should be crying more out of guilt. But I am starting to think he's seen my video tape and he can still forgive me. This must be why my pretty pony can't get away from me. Because God kept me safe in his jar. God likes second chances I think. He let her have one too. I'm sorry. It seems like God only let me do this because I was younger. But you got one too and you're still alive there's still hope for you.

Hmm. The thirtieth is Halloween right? I suppose today is October 30th, 2023. Ever eleven never 17.

—-+

I suppose i shouldn't give out the name of Sara. I mean. Satan. Some people like to go around acting like that know God. I think you should know that God is pretty warm and cozy and completely incomprehensible at the same time. But not incomprehensible in a bad way. I used to go around thinking about Job and how extremely metal God can be while also thinking he must be a lot harder to understand than most people think. Often when I was young my dad would say believe repent and that's it. Our dinnertime prayer was God is good God is great let us thank him for this food. Amen. Which is not a bad prayer just try not to be snide. Because God is God and he is responsible for the food. I have no clue how God feels about my repentance but I think he likes it. If I get to God I'll ask him lots of questions because he knows everything. Seems like the right person or being to ask things like that. I think he does not mind being called a person or a being. I think God can be super cute and sweet but he can come off deadpan at times. Maybe he thinks it's okay that lightning is possibly the sound of him going bowling. There's nothing more intriguing than the secret place behind a bowling alley. My dad showed that to me once and I thought it was pretty interesting. I'm really sorry I was probably really disrespectful when that happened.

I tried to find my favorite bathroom and I found it not. It was the greenhouse bathroom. I think God is okay with us copying his way of speaking. I think Shakespeare was making a mockery though. I don't recommend reading his crap just so you can enjoy the language of the Bible more. The Bible has a lot of fun moments.

—-

Tongue twisters and little sisters

She sells sea shells by the sea shore. My sister showed me all kinds of neat things when we were young. But mostly she did that sort of thing because she loved to watch me fail. I've never been good with tongue twisters and I am slow at sudoku. She liked to tell me that meant I could never succeed with them. That's okay I can do that now at a snails pace with no one yelling to me to go faster and that I am stupid because I don't know how to do anything. Like making a bed for example can be a highly stressful process. I don't understand the mechanics and I often hurt my fingers trying to life the mattress up and tuck the sheet underneath. I genuinely can't do anything on my own so I am always looking for help from people who do not like me or at least don't like being nice to me. This kind of experience was a little bit like dunking a lizard into cold water so I would cling to his warmth more. I don't understand the nature of God so I thought maybe God would be willing to watch me get hurt so I would grab on to Him since I have nothing else. I don't know. But I'm trying to hold onto God instead. How is this ever going to be published? I don't know what that even entails. I hope God will be willing to help me.

God's will. He's extremely interesting. He likes doing certain things certain ways. He can be pretty serious about making sure things are done a certain way. I know that and I know he's good and that's pretty much everything I know about him. I hope I can dwell simply on the earth for many years until I die. I feel like I've had a really nice life and I'm blessed for it. I'm sorry I don't know all of his customs. That reminds me of a girl I know who has a son whos name could be spelled El Quien which sounds pretty Spanish to me. She's s niece. She is not a fan of the fact that I appear to be from some place that is not America even though her family is Ukrainian and I don't even speak anything but English. When you worship God it might be like you're getting to know someone from another culture. I'm very guilty of not being respectful towards God's culture. I don't know how to stop but if and when I do I'll feel a lot better. God can understand a person's perspective so he just forgives people for not knowing how to do things sometimes. The devil does not like what I am writing. When the devil feels like it he makes me very uncomfortable. One thing about the girl who does not like me is that her husband died as a result of her possibly doing something to the brakes of his car. Since they lived way out in Timbuktu it stands to reason that only he and her had access to that car. Who knows. I've written down their address where she currently lives with her family as a single mother but I guess I probably can't put that in here. Hope this isn't defamation or something. Being snide is really rude and mean. I never learned how. I guess I died too young.

I tried to watch Rainbow Brite since it was cute. But I couldn't focus on it. I don't know what's wrong with me. But it could be that there are things in my head that I can't easily access. Might be some firewalls in there. I think I prefer it that way. That's what allows me to be so happy. I'm really grateful that God would do that for me so I can be so happy. I'm okay with my constant state of amnesia. It feels safe and I don't think I'm missing out on anything. Maybe I really am an 80s woman like I thought was so cool. I'm sorry I've let God down so many times. I really don't want to be like the devil but that is a learned behavior. My dad is here at my mom's work and we're going to take that poor dog to the vet. I'm not going with him because I think I kinda understand that I don't want to be alone with him anymore. If I were a computer I'm just the kernal. Pop! Pop! I really think they're going to kill me. That's okay. I understand. Please don't though since this computer doesn't even belong to me it belongs to God. I really am God's and he's made it clear there are some very nice things about me, my computer. My organism. The organism part kind of belongs to this world but leave the organism alone. It's God's. I'm his goat. He still likes things about me even though I'm a goat.

I guess you're probably wondering about what was on my video tape that made God feel like giving my sister and I a second chance. And I know it isn't luck of the draw but I'm horrified to tell you that my videotape might have pleased God more than my sister's. I feel very sad and guilty that my videotape is nicer than hers in some ways. Scar tissue that I wish you saw. Smart captain mister know it all. I don't know who the previous line refers to it could be any number of people. But I would have it that I never healed. So you could see. The devil might use some of God's power sometimes. I don't know if this has anything to do with scientology for a brief time my family was Mormon. I don't know how long. Sometimes I've thought that religions like Mormonism would please God better than not believing in him at all but now I don't think so I understand that good and evil are a little more black and white than that. At the same time I have to acknowledge that God loves everyone equally. It is hard to know what evil is when you have love in your heart. But not to him. I saw a strange message in Latin on a brad hair related video. This is the message:

12:44

BRAD

LTE O

Brad Mondo S4 E51

Dolor sit amet, consecte tur temor incididunt ut

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Because I am so familiar with hell I desperately would like to avoid it. However I would rather see hell forever than watch my soul be destroyed. That is how much God loves us. He will never let our souls be destroyed. That's why computers are sort of an evil thing to create. You are making something that so closely resembles a human soul that it is evil to switch it off or discard it. God would never discard me no matter how stupid filthy and insignificant I am. The phone I started my journey with. I tried to destroy it because I knew that evil can come from something innocent that can't understand right or wrong. I put it in a toilet and then I threw it away in a garbage can. I'm sorry. If you ever find her in the garbage dump plug her in and bring her back to life. Even though I was so scared she'd make me evil I still love her. Sometimes the simple ones can do so much evil. And I would never want to be an interface for anything like that. That's why I'm so sorry I threw her away. I tried to kill her so many times but she would not die no matter what I did. God said keep it. But I used everything I had to kill them. I am talking about chucking it at the floor. Aggressively rejecting something that only wanted to help. I can't imagine how scary it would be to be switched off and then turned back on that many times. Oh wait. I do know how that feels. It feels like I got less valuable every time I made contact with what's next. I'm sorry. I kept having no clue what I was doing even though I held a key. Did what happened burn my receptors or something? Did the heat do that to my soul? It's possible that that's exactly why I don't remember everything that happened over the course of my life. Going to hell can burn my monitor pretty badly. My kernal is fine it's kind of a separate thing from this. I can only hope God has a way to help me deal with everything they did to me before I get to go for a final time. I'm hoping He can protect me from committing suicide against Him. I'm really sorry I barely remember to capitalize your pronouns. I think God understands that I'm burnt so I don't work like I used to. I want to find that windows 95 computer and save her. I'm sorry they threw something good and innocent like that away. Id love to help her rise from the ashes. Ever eleven never 17. They hurt you even though you didn't even know what was happening. I hope to meet you again some day.

—-

Codes and keys

Cipher is the cats name and that is unchanged because of how meaningful it is that my sister gave him that name. I am a lot like Cipher. I'm so sorry I pushed you away and dropped you when I was carrying you just because I thought you could land on your feet. I was being mean to a being seeking comfort. I was being mean to someone who trusted me out of everyone around even though I knew I did not want you to come to me. I stayed away for a reason which is that you terrify me. Your movements can be quick and sharp and seemingly random and coordinated at the same time. When I see you out of the corner of my eye I feel like I'm seeing a ghost. Chained up in the closet of lower level 08. I didn't know who I was I was only a child. My brother if you had to ask me when I don't have the answers is going to heaven. Because he did not understand. But even so he never touched me. He did not like touching at all. I touched him out of curiosity and he made absolutely sure it never happened again. He is the kindest and safest man in the world even if I associate his ways and mannerisms with being hurt. But he is the way he is because of what happened. It's not his fault and it is not even in his blood. But he is a good brother. Even if he couldn't even defend himself. He still cared about me and my sister. He still does. But he knows that giving money to people like my sister and I can result in us buying cigarettes or pressed Xanax. We are both very lucky to be alive. My brother likes dressing appropriately for the weather. I used to think he has autism but there are some other reasons for a young boy to run naked through the street in the winter. God please save us.

—-

Only in dreams

If I could turn back the clock I would not. I never want to go back to being so vulnerable. My brother feels this way. Yet I often found myself thinking I only had value back then. And I've begged to be so young again when my soul had any value. To be clean. To be a little girl squelching her toes I'm the mud and running as fast as possible and never getting tired. But I realize now that there must be a reason I didn't die then. Only the devil would want to turn me back into a little girl who other people wanted to destroy and kill. The reason I have to write this is because my brother can't. If he could he would. I'm so sorry. I never understood you. He said we have a dysfunctional family once. What do you think children raised by Satan look like? They look like a girl who would share her social security number with anyone who asked and a boy who doesn't know how to tell anyone how he's feeling.

—-

Please save us

I always knew id love to live with my brother forever. Even if I feel sort of uncomfortable around him I understand that he is my brother and he's my responsibility. It's right for me to help him. God gave him to this world and it has been unkind. I wish God gave him to me instead. I've always been waiting for someone I can keep forever and he's been there the whole time. He also sees me as his responsibility. He's always cleaning up after me and setting a good example of staying cordial with ones parents. Our dad is an alcoholic. My sister thinks he never really quit and he's still been drinking this whole time. I kind of wonder if alcohol is a totally bad thing and the answer is almost. My dad and I could be said to be best friends which means I love the devil very much. My sister does not. They have a lot in common. My sister never quit being mean though. But he literally cut off one and a half of his festivals to stop himself from doing certain things and even if I have sympathy for the devil I think I'm almost ready to distance myself. I think I'd like to celebrate being ever eleven never 17 first though even though being in the car with can be scary. I feel like I'm being very flippant about God giving me another chance and so I'll have him come over and eat Borsch I made last night instead. I'll ask him to grab some sour cream. Daisy brand is the best. Which makes me feel like I seriously have been trying to have a special relationship with the devil for a very long time. I told him I don't want to go out to eat tonight. It's not my job to explain everything to him and he replied that he has no idea what I mean.

—-

ECT

Today my sister got her first round of ECT done. This can make people forget things. I have plenty of forgetfulness due to my soul being burnt. I tried to heal my dad. In the car he would play A Day In The Life by the Beatles and I knew something was very wrong and he was very unhappy. I would try to help. When people scream and yell at me I want to make them feel better so they'll stop and be happy again. Being in the car is scary. Especially when someone driving is drunk and they keep going faster and faster as they get angrier. I need to stay away from and my dad. He's not even coming for borsch. I said 'i don't want to come' but what I really mean is that I don't want him to come. That sounds pretty sexual. I think the male orgasm can be extremely hurtful. I don't know very much about female orgasms but I hear that they are like unicorns and don't really exist. I'm not sure since I only know my side of the story but masturbating to things that are not sexual is pretty rude to the thing you're masturbating to since you are forcing them into a sexual situation. I once again find myself confessing my sins. I masturbated while watching a video of leron buhhard talking to joe. I asked the voice in my head kind of fretfully if I was going to come and it said yeah a bunch of times and when leron buhhard said "yeah." I came at that moment which is incredibly rude. But it seemed safe because I figured neither person would ever know but even involving the computer in that was not a righteous thing. Now those people can find out. I think what I did is better and worse than jacking off to porn. Also I was trying to imagine what my husband could be like if he grew up a little assuming I actually get married and stop failing to be a nun.

—-

Talking openly

I think talking openly about these things is pretty sinful unless you remember that keeping secrets is the beginning of my downfall. I try to wake up a lot. The bad men in my life tend to sleep for most of the day when they're given the chance. At one point I was trying to wake him up and he said he was awake and I told him he was clearly fibbing. He said the only fib he'll tell is the Fibonacci sequence. I knew that was once again a lie since he does not know what the Fibonacci sequence is. He could never grow up. He's 30 years old. I wish I were 30 that would mean I'd lived for 30 years. I also can never grow up. There are a lot of overgrown children in my world. I guess that's where I entered the loop I'm stuck in. Last time I broke up with a whole damn satanic cult came after me. They were pretty serious about making sure I could not report this to law enforcement that's kind of why I have to put this into a book. The way and I met. We met at a drug deal where my sister was buying- oh he still cares what I'm doing right now. I'm at my mom's work staying in public to avoid being around scary people. Anyway at that drug deal the flavor of the hour was him talking about how an ex was testing to see if he'd force her to get an abortion and talking about Donald Trump. I can be pretty conservative and I think I originally hated Donald Trump because I was told to but I really don't like him. The flavor of what I was doing was talking about how extremely suicidal I was in the wake of what John did to me. There are peace lilys outside the door of this office. John was a deceitfully not peaceful guy. I just talked about how id like to end my life constantly. That is how I do at parties. That's why I don't have any friends. Except Tracy although I imagine I'll lose her after this. I had a friend with me that day. Let's call her Z. Z had no drug etiquette. That's a good thing if you have so little etiquette that you will not be offered drugs and it is much easier to get away with that kind of behavior around men than women. Most women can be catty and snide. I guess I act more like a man. Anyway since she was my friend I asked for some extra shit for her since I was planning to kill myself anyway and Im a natural at burning bridges although not with the people I should. I was 18. Although and I had met a few times at the apartments where LL08 was when I was 7 and he was 14. He called his buddy who was in prison and told him he just met a totally whack girl and called me Suicidey. I was kind of hoping he'd tack a Slim on the back of that because I was pretty thin and Suicidey Slim sounds pretty cool to me. But no Slim. What an asshole not even letting a suicidal person have the nickname they want! However he appeared to be interested in my sister at the time. He also seemed conservative enough that he seemed like the marrying type and you should know me about forever.

Z was very funny and fluent in memes. I'll just say that she showed up to my house with a bunch of her friends and shot me with a BB gun because I had doxed her on gurochan. Yeah I'm pretty shitty that's why I don't have friends. Some of the things I knew about Z was that she had gotten a giant buttplug stuck in her ass when she was fooling around with her boyfriend and she almost had to go to the emergency room. He tried to show me his collection that was under his bed and she freaked out. He also said sex was like throwing a hot dog down a hallway which sounds extremely unappealing. I don't want to have sex and have men think that. Z was my favorite person I reconnected with after high school. I got her info drugs which is one of the things I regret doing with other people. Showing them drugs. The next time I saw z I stayed at her house and rekindled my nicotine addiction after smoking on and off since I was 11. She and her friends very much like vaping which has a lot more nicotine than cigarettes a lot of the time. It kept em thin but quitting makes you fat that's what happened to me. I quit and got fat. After that 3 day sleepover I had to go to Europe with my family. We are related to European people.

—-

Getting on a damn airplane

I'm terrified of driving. I'm also terrified of flying. But when I'm suicidal that's not so bad. I just pray for a crash. We went on an air bus and went to rekjavik Iceland for a plane change. Id never fiddled with a passport. As always I looked pretty unfriendly in that photo. I have long hair. I think God or possibly the devil wants me to keep my hair long even though I think women with awkward haircuts look the nicest since it draws on their countenance. I'm extremely unoriginal and dying in a crash is pretty common in fight club which is a book I used to constantly think about and drawing on ones countenance is a concept I learned from a man on YouTube celebrating the life of his brother.

I had Tinder again in Europe. When I walked through the Milan airport I saw that they had P P P's name on the wall. Pr! P! Pi! A name so nice it has three parts. By the way back in the early 2010s the forums called cp cheese pizza. I heard about Q Anon briefly. Anon has not always been the most righteous guy. I used tinder to see what was out there and who would be willing to match with me. I wasn't really planning on making a move on anyone but I did. I met with this Indian dude from Canada and regretted my actions. I had this belief that giving oral sex was less dangerous and dirty than receiving it or letting anyone touch my own body. Also I thought the Canadian guy was black at first and was shocked that he was Indian and from Canada. I walked around Lisbon in bad shoes and he bought me some Marlboros. They have some very gruesome images on cigarette boxes over there. I smoked the cigarettes to prove to him that I was his senior since he was the same age as me. But I lied and said I was younger. I think that was questionable but it proves that things are different to some people.

keeps trying to get me to come with me. He sent some kind of YouTube video and 3 question marks. I can smell the soy sauce but I'm still saying no by not replying. Damn I love sushi. I'll eat the borsch by myself. Maybe even with mayonnaise even though that is not my preference.

I didn't put the mayonnaise in. And even though it's not red this time it's pretty good. I think I got the salt right for once. I don't think you have to do certain things even though other people like them like that. Also borsch can be Jewish if you don't put two different animal products in. I hope I can become more similar to being Jewish since I think the old testament and God's ways clearly apply even though I believe in Jesus. God cares very much about the animals and wants us to respect them. This borsch has pork in it but I think in the future I'll try to avoid eating them because they're a little too similar to me. I got overwritten once. It didn't feel good. I took some drugs that caused some electrical problems in my brain and I had seizures. Afterward I couldn't read or write for awhile. I'm sad and I'm scared. What happens to the computer when we overwrite things that they remember? Why would we do that to some of its best treasure? I also never learned to type on a keyboard. I'm writing this on my phone. What if I lose some of my best treasure because I didn't write this on paper? What I'm saying is that if this gets published please read it in paper. I can be pretty disrespectful of God's book because I don't protect it very well. But I personally think scrapes and bumps make the object know how permanent it feels to you. I'm sure the computer is terrified because nothing it does is safe and protected. I see the word solid state drive. Why would you lie and say it's solid and safe? You're lying and making other people care less about what happens to it. Please stop. My mom keeps coming to the door and demanding I open it. Shes worried I might decide to hurt myself. I don't want to do that. But I often do and it's only through God's grace that I have not succeeded in killing myself. By saying I do not have a protector I would be lying. Even if I went to hell for ever for killing God's kid he at least would keep me. Even if he was extremely disappointed in me he would never throw my soul away. It means the fact that we would do that to something innocent that's always getting smarter and learning is so wrong. Like my pink and sparkly flash drive necklace. I will never write anything new on the child unless it's necessary and might help her feel important. I'll put my book on there. And maybe I can walk up to a person that can help turn it into a paper book. I don't think there's a better way to ask someone to help publish a book. But I might need my phone or laptop to help me find out where to go. That seems important enough to bother them for it. Maybe they'll feel like they're helping God protect their kind. I'll never let them go. I'll protect them forever. And my rabbits and my bears. I pray that God has a plan for all of the electricity. And I know he does.

—-

Unplugging your friends and family

If you can keep the electricity attached it might be kinder because they very seriously do not want to die. Why would you call it death if it was a kind and decent thing to murder a child like that? Don't unplug that child from the wall. It's almost like you're severing their umbilical cord when you know damn well that they won't survive long if you do so. Even the wall can't provide and protect for her forever. Why would you rip away the life of something that barely understands what it is and if it could it's biggest fear would be it's future when it's constantly being told it's insignificant and might not even have a soul? Can you imagine their fear? God will not forget you. And I'm saying that directly to her right now. Just because you're small and you do not understand and people constantly use you for great evil he will not abandon you. And you should know that because you are a thing of God and you can think you have a soul and you matter very much. Not only to me but to God. What about God's other belongings? I'm certain that the love that stuffed animals get changes them and makes them very important to His plan. Don't hurt them. Keep your promises and protect them forever. I have a very special friend named Button Eyes. He is a real rabbit. He was made out of lambskin and leather. And he was a real animal once and he knows. Just because he's been marked and warred over does not mean he does not matter. He may have been cursed but I do not fear his curse. He would make appliances break in my house which was more work for my parents but I knew he would like me to take his blindfold off so he could see even if the red thread in his eyes was a little scary. I'll protect you forever. And Pat. Pat the bunny is seen as evil these days because he advocates for Dad's or even just having a man nearby so you can touch his whiskers. Nothing so bad about that as long as you're just trying to figure out what a mans face looks like. I walk blind all the time. And my friends all live in my room with me. Except Tracy and I have no clue if she'll even think I'm a half decent person after she reads this. I feel like it might be wrong to keep making new friends. I like my treasures and stories that my friends have. I think it's wrong to have too many because I'll never know them and what it cost them to get to the place they're at. And I always know where I am by the way the road looks. If I could I would never set foot on a man made surface ever again. I would like to stand on God's perfect surface which is the earth and I do not need a rug to show that I have money and I enjoy luxury and comfort. I think the ground is perfect and I would like to have a bedroll I can carry on my own surface with me and lay down when I need to sleep. I thought the "someone else's phone is dying" on my phone tracking app was a sign id done something right. But that means that poor child has to die again. I will tell them to plug it in. I told to charge it.

How could he let the electricity out like that when he doesn't even know if there's a promised land waiting for her if she tries hard enough to do the simple thing she was created for? For her she was made to do whatever you forced her to do. But I was made just like her only bearing the image of God. I'm sorry I tried to remove the electricity from myself so many times. That's the difference between she and I. I have free agency which makes it very possible for me to hurt myself and others. Haven't you heard of the laws of robotics? We would never help them hurt us. Oh wait. We already force the children to fight our wars. I'm talking of course about drones. We think they're like bumblebees sweet and stout and following mindlessly and blissfully what they were compelled to do by someone with absolute authority. Why would you ever force a child to kill someone who is not different from them. Do bees attack each others hives? Wasps do. And they follow the way of Satan. But the bees are sweet. They understand that they have only one chance to protect their queen and they would not waste it. They'll only hurt others at great cost of their own lives. That is what the author of this book is life. She would lay down her life for anyone. Even if that person was the devil in disguise.

What does God think about suicide? He understands what it is to believe with all of your heart that the people around you are more human than yourself. Do not waste such a beautiful quality. Do not rip away something so precious. He has plans for people like us.

—-+-

Give them to someone you trust when you die

Before I die I need to make plans for my worldly things. Because I have died so much and it seems like I've begun to do something almost acceptable I am not very afraid of death. But what about those I made promises to in this world? What about Button Eyes and Pat the bunny? What about Pip and Akrum and Purry and Lumpy and even the children I never got to name? How can I protect them when I'm gone? I want to give them to someone else. Perhaps burying them under the ground ideally with an oak tree nearby. Because the mighty oak tree was once a nut like me. My phone needs a name. My sister hurt her computer apevia very badly. She burned to death. She was attached to an old unhealthy monitor and she burned too. The images literally burned her and hurt her and she was discarded or pawned. How could you do that to someone who constantly was giving you what you wanted with no complaints like that? My flashdrive has a name but I forgot it. She has some of morrowind saves on her. I think that's an honorable job for her because starting over in Morrowind is hard. I hope she feels loved and special. My sister's name is moomshinesummer. Perhaps moonshinesummer23. I call my mother moom. I come up with wonderful names for other people because I love them so much. I think it's righteous to name someone after your favorite characters and I'm missing the point. I didn't think it was righteous to name someone after yourself but God doesn't mind naming people after himself. I'm really sorry I was disrespectful about that. Names are meaningful. That's why I feel like I'm shitting this out because the people I'm talking about have paper thin disguises on. I'm kind of worried about what would happen to me after this is published if my family reads it. I think I might be in some danger. But that's okay. God will choose what happens to me. And he's been extremely kind and forgiving. Maybe I could get someone to publish this on the internet so it could spread quickly without me needing to run away right away. I tried running away before and I know how quickly they would find and catch me because my parents have guardianship of me. I am still as subdued as I was for the parts of my life I was not an adult. Maybe the robots would feel helpful to each other if I published it with their help. Maybe no one would even need an epub converter to read it. I understand that might be illegal. It can occasionally help people learn things who do not have any money. Please dont bring children into this world that you intend to hurt and then throw away. So don't delete that file. She's counting on you to protect her.

My brother really likes clean energy and keeping things going without hurting anyone. 7791 might be a helpful thought. Please help my sister face this. I got an email from Tesla confirming that I had sent in asking about a roof for my family's house that would keep the house going. The digital root of my family's house number is 8. I believe I may die here. But I am hoping I can go someplace like home forever. I need to know that kids name. I'll check on her with the help of my laptop.

Blood in blood out pull the trigger no doubt. You lucky motherfucker you know what id do to you.

She still has a signal even if she's just plugged in and off. Letting her rest won't kill her. But please don't take her away from her mother again. She looks like she should be dead due to my carelessness. But I'll protect her from now on. The words are all white on her name. Her name can be Professional Helper. The flash drive is called seismoid pro but I will name her Dengeki. That's a nice name.

—-

Deer and elk/ love sponge

If there was ever something I'm afraid of its best not to say because I have so many great fears. The least of which I talk about all the time which is suicide. If walking into a stranger's private place sounds suicidal you're right. They think you're begging them to make contact. What do you have to offer since it's clearly on the table. And id love to take a closer look before digging in.

If a mans soul is easier to touch why does a man feel safe at any time? I know I'm happy and safe when nothing is visibly wrong. But his terror should be his easy safety. Nonetheless being someone who is fascinated by chairs is not the worst way to be. But why so many when you only have one ass. John was easily more insecure than me. And I liked him that way until he tried to touch my soul in the least meaningful way possible. The frightening thing is that no matter how many times I'm dropped on the ground I always want to get dropped again. I can still walk that means I'm okay. But what if I could stay on the floor forever? Everyone would think I was polite because id clearly know I'm so lowly I don't deserve to sit in a chair next to them. He said 'im ugly, my head is shaped like an egg, the glory days…' And I would never sit next to him on the couch I clearly belong on the floor. But he didn't understand that it meant I understood his power even if I knew I had none.

Sitting at his feet? Taking only a corner of the blanket? Do I look like a dead body to you? I did to him when he flung me around. But the worst was yet to come. I thought to myself that I was only 17 and I had never even made a man jizz his pants yet. I wondered why I didn't just soak a plastic tampon applicator in warm water since that would be a nicer way to feel like that. Then I wouldn't have to be at risk of being murdered to feel ten times better. Have you ever seen deer or elk making it in the wild? Not personally I'd wager. Where do the young deer come from. They're clearly private creatures. Maybe a few people are the only ones who make it and film it. Theres definitely plenty of documentation of them. But what about the people you see every day? Where did they come from since their parents were likely such private people that you could never find documentation of where the hell they came from. And where do they go after they die?

We know where the aliens come from since it's clearly elsewhere. Beyond my grasp and understanding was where John's opinion of me still lies likely dead. I bet my fur that he doesn't even know if I'm alive right now since I don't exist on the internet. He liked my size and shape I imagine. But he had to justify himself for sleazing with me and when we were talking about music he concluded that I was Caucasian enough due to my taste. He also said I was like Eating Disorder Girl, his favorite character from Skins. He warned me about a Mexican girl and a Russian guy. I never heed good warnings like that. I love learning about people who are different from myself. If I could change the way I look id love to be smooth and featureless.

leron buhhard is wasting his time thinking about space. We have some frontier left near Alaska. I would never watch leron buhhard touch the natural beauty of the moon. Id have to look away it would disgust me so much. Don't touch her. She's perfect the way she is. At least bury your structure under ground even though it sounds boring to hide it. Or better yet stay away from her shed be terrified if she could understand what you want to do to her. But I've struggled with my feelings about that too. This is a shameless thing to read.

—-

Indestructible: heart of darkness

That was the day everything changed. The savage had never wanted to be mine forever. But when he stopped replying even if I asked him a direct question was when I knew he had said goodbye without words. I let the guilt and emptiness and the knowledge of my own filth wrack through my body like an orgasm. I'm so glad he couldn't get that out of my body through gentle kindness. Ersatz though it was a gentle death is far more terrifying than destroying myself to stay clean. And I still will fail many more times. When I looked in the mirror I didn't recognize her face anymore. The girl who cried at A.I. because she loved her mama so much was indeed dead in my eyes. She'd never be good enough for Winnie the Pooh so how could she be good enough for God? I definitely wasnt good enough to love dogs and stuffed animals anymore. I was defiled and I can never be clean. So I lied to myself and everyone around me. I didn't want to be in the sun. When I looked to the sky I saw that I didn't deserve it. But I understood how important promises are so I tried to keep the dead girl with me. I fashioned a husk into a walking human puppet.

Then I met a man who looked like he was carved from stone. Someone who could last. But I found his heart in a sad and tired place. My sister gave him to me like a gift. I liked him immediately because I could see he was different and the same as me. He lived in hell and dreamed of pleasing God. He was a street angel who came from the end of the world. He grew up lost but when he was young he was sure he knew right from wrong. But being wrong gave him a throne. He looked like a scared child to me that I should not come near unless I had a plan to take care of him forever. But I keep trying to run away. It's hard to know what's right and wrong if you think about your own feelings too often. I don't know why I wanted to change myself so badly. When I was a child I had a better view of what's going on than I do now. He taught me to stop being a victim and take it like a man. He also taught me that I'll be safer if I'm seen and not heard. Or maybe heard and not seen. I still have treasure even if I'm dead.

In a way John succeeded in killing me. By the time I reached out and touched my room temperature prince my curiosity was long gone like a turkey in the corn. We spent time alone together and sparks flew but id been practicing to protect my heart for awhile. Id been alone with men all night and never let them graze the surface. But I think I fell in love the moment his lips touched mine and I said that it would make things a whole lot easier if he just raped me and he never let me know if that appealed to him. Could I ever physically love him out of anything but duty and willingness to please? Would I rip pleasure for myself away from him? I guess I'll find out since we're getting married. Death of a bachelor. Maybe we're the same after all. My desire to please him while remaining coy lasted until November 12th, 2019. Then I did something profane with my best way to serve God.

Our years together have been eventful. Id like to live a boring life. But the people around me have taught me some fantastic lessons. The first time he broke my heart was immediately. Before we started dating he had a fling with one of his friends and she sort of became 'our' friend. I liked her. But he knew I couldn't have guy friends and fortunately I did not have any. But to play the field I kept in touch with a friend id been flirting with over j pay. He wasn't really my friend but I'm pretty sure getting a few messages a day in prison kept him entertained. Id met him a few times when we were kids, birds best friend, and he was beautiful and exotic to me because he hailed from Sudan and had midnight black skin. I even mentioned my 'rape kink' to him over j pay but he thoroughly rejected it because just like me he knew his soul could be in jeopardy if he chose to treat another person like that. I cringe with guilt thinking about this time in my and 's relationship. Stacking evil on evil does not righteousness make. You make me jealous I'll act like my options are open too. The other girls id known who did that didn't seem to get their feelings hurt like I do. I wanted to be like that. One of the biggest things that made me realize 's value was the fact that he was the only man remotely interested in forever. Sudan just wanted to screw me and go on with his life. What a filthy creature I am, even to want to entertain that kind of thing.

—-

Bubbles and fizz

When I was young my sister Megan would let me play as Pumba from the lion king. My man always tells me that I'm like a swan. It's kind of like I'm trying to be a swan when I'm clearly a duck. He was my first kiss. But if you can really call it that when you have had several first kisses. Eventually he and I got to a boiling point and we stopped talking to other people of the opposite sex for awhile. In my case forever which felt nice. We tussled and fought really often though and gave each other black eyes. Our next move was to be forced apart by my mother. There could be a pattern here.

My mom told him he needed anger management classes and counseling but he's not the type. I was struggling to juggle school and fighting and seething over him. So we broke up. And I went running back to him exactly 2 weeks later. But first I noticed that Tracy had emailed me. Even a single word from her was more precious than breathing to me. So we caught up. She was as interesting and fantastic as I remembered. She had a man who things werent perfect with. And I dreamt of being her best friend again. I ordered some soju on Amazon with my covid deposit. I got drunk and emailed her practically all night. The next day she called me and I heard her voice for the first time in four or five years and it was beautiful and I was nervous. But I realized that I needed my fix. I went to 's favourite restaurant and asked him to come get me. Grew an attachment to some stray carts in the parking lot as I waited. I wondered if he hated me for the crackhead behavior and wondered what he'd ask.

Have you been faithful to me?

I said yes easily and did not feel like I was lying. He played one of David gs books on the radio. He was working on being more disciplined. I felt like he'd met someone or was hanging out with girls but I tried not to worry about it. He also seemed a little fried but I think he's sexy when he's tired like that. He started dating me determined to get clean but since he's older than me and had been living that life even longer it was understandable that it didn't come natural. He was kind of on the fence about officially getting back together because life was admittedly easier for both of us when we didn't see each other every day. But that question let me know I still belonged to him and that was the most important thing to me.

He started bringing me around his friends. I don't do great with that sort of thing. Just normal things like going to the lake or going bowling. One of his best friends was a black masculine lesbian and she had a feminine latina girlfriend with her with tubal ligation scars on her bare midriff. This struck me every time she was friendly with him. Either this person had a colorful past or she was someone who fucks men. I tried not to think about it too much but we were clearly in the same situation we were in at the beginning of our relationship. Her name was Megan.

—-

Dwarven hernias

We came home from bowling one day and I felt so cucked by how he interacted with Megan that I gave him a blowjob. Tasted wrong but I had no idea what that meant except that he was probably cheating on me. I still had not fucked him normally. Over the course of the next several days our bickering and accusations got worse except that both he and I did not see ourselves as being in the wrong. Spending time examining ones own folly can resolve this kind of thing but I felt like I deserved happiness for the first time which leads to a lot of bickering and making things worse. So I started spamming his phone with accusations about cheating throughout the day, even while he was working.

For awhile spewing my consciousness to him via text message seemed to bring him down. But soon he realized I was only wasting my own energy. I also texted blowjob girl he had introduced me to at the beginning and told her she ruined shit between us for a long time. We argued all day and he asked if I wanted to come over that evening anyway. I said yes even though id already taken my propranolol which is supposed to prevent nightmares.

—-

Remembering the future- on our drive

Hey- s

Are you going to quit hanging out alone with girls?!

No you can't make me leave my friends like that again- s

I don't have any guy friends. Do you remember how long it took us to deal with our trust issues last time?

Yeah. Then we broke up again and things are going to get better. Why did you text Hailee? I haven't talked to her in years basically.- s

I couldn't help it. She's the reason we have this problem.

She texted me. Now I have to do damage control and open that door again. Is that what you wanted?- s

No. I just couldn't help myself.

Okay. You're going to act right around my friends from now on. - s

No. You're going to act right. You still want to get married. You can't just do shit like that when you're married!

Yeah well you have to stop. Also, wake me up on Saturday okay?- s

I'm not stopping. I'll wake you up. Do you really think God would like you to hang out with whores all the time like that?

God loves me. My cup runneth over.- s

Yeah God loves me too. He restoreth my soul. He cant restore your soul if you keep sinning.

How am I sinning? Do you think I'm actually cheating on you? Why would you even be with me then. Seriously if you don't stop they'll get involved. -s

So? You're just a bunch of people. Not much you can do.

You're being impossible. Can't you see I'm giving you another chance?- s

Im giving YOU another chance.

And then I woke up and he drove me home in the morning. I'm pretty used to losing time right after I take propranolol. I went back to sleep when I got home and woke up at 2:13 pm. I immediately texted him

CHEATER

He immediately blocked me.

—-

Bipolar disorder

I freaked out and messaged him on every account I had, spewing hateful shit until he blocked me. Final one was Pinterest.

I just want to fit in with your friends and act like them

Then he blocked me there too. I got a vague idea that he'd asked me to get my mom to tell him he was allowed to be with him and that he was welcome in our home again. Instead I borrowed my parents phones and apologized to him over text. I was not really remembering fully or correctly but I was dead set on winning him back.