Chapter Forty-Five: A Wedding and Two Funerals
He was my North, my South, my East and West, My working week and my Sunday rest.
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song; I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.
- W.H Auden (Funeral Blues)
Wednesday, October 19, 2005 - Leah
Sam fucking Uley. So much of my adult life has been wrapped up in drama over my relationship with that man. Before we started dating I was happy, even after we were involved it was mostly good. But his act of understandable betrayal spun me hard. He started my major case of self-loathing. Then after I became a wolf, and I had to feel the emotions of his imprint, it just drove home the fact I was wrong for him. I finally understood what happened, and I couldn't possibly blame him for falling for my cousin, but I did anyway. For over a year I hated him, almost vindictively, and since I became a wolf I've hated the rest of the pack by extension.
Then somehow I met a vampire who befriended me in such a way that she managed to coax the truth from me. Angela made me think about everything. And I had to finally admit my self-loathing wasn't just about my shitty lot in life or my boyfriend breaking up with me. No, I hated myself because of a guilt that had very little to do with Sam. Maybe deep down I knew that already, because how could I be worthy of anything but contempt after what happened with my father? Something felt almost dead inside, hollow. I just didn't realize how much I needed a friend who would actually listen to me, until I had one again.
"What happened after we left?" Jacob asked as the entire motley crew stood around in their obscenely nice kitchen. The burgers were blissfully good, Bella's skills made mom's cooking look bad in comparison.
"What do you think happened? Sam called a meeting where he drew up battle plans to circumvent you and her." I motioned towards Rosalie who smirked, and Angela who nodded slightly in acknowledgement with a small half smile on her face curling up one side of her mouth.
"Wouldn't matter, Charlie won't let Sam or any of the pack hurt us." Bella said with an exaggerated shrug.
"I don't know." Jacob said, looking at Charlie. "I mean no offense, but what can you do? I've never heard of a single vampire fighting against the pack successfully, well before today."
"Punch me." Charlie said with a deadpan expression.
"Um…" Jacob looked around slightly confused.
"I wouldn't." Rose warned sincerely, but a small smile turned up her mouth as she saw Jacob shrug. Jacob winced slightly and let loose a rather pathetic looking punch at Charlie, his fist bounced off something invisible about three inches from Charlie's face.
"What the…" Jacob said, rubbing his wrist.
"I can project a physical shield. Bella can defend against any form of mental attack. Alice can see the future and Edward can read minds. Rose can force you to do anything with a few words, and Angela over there… well I still don't really know what she can do, and if Tahlia comes back, I understand she can literally wield fire." Charlie said almost too casually, as if he were reporting on the weather.
"Sam needs to surrender now, because that's an insane level of power." Michelle said, sounding impressed.
"Not gonna happen, he is convinced that you have not only broken the treaty but present a clear and present danger to not only the tribe, but to the human world at large. I even caught a stray thought from him about taking the fight to covens around the world." I tried to impart the information as neutrally as possible, so that it didn't sound like I agreed with Sam's increasingly extreme views on vampires, and the Cullens in particular.
"Ambitious to be sure, but foolhardy." Carlisle said with a deep frown. I nodded but was happy to distract myself with the last few bites of my burger. When I was done, I sighed, I hadn't realized how much I needed a good meal. It was bizarre, but this family of vampires had been more welcoming in an hour than my former pack had been in over a year.
I looked at Bella and gave her a tentative smile. "Thanks for the food, it was really good."
"Yeah, Bells, you still have the skills." Jacob said with a big grin, it was clear he was still crushing on her despite the fact she was no longer human and was in a committed relationship with another woman. Almost as if she could read my mind, Bella frowned.
"Has anyone heard from Edward or Emmett? I was hoping the good news would turn into a thing." Bella asked, looking a little conflicted.
"Not yet." Esme shook her head and pulled Bella into a half hug. The love and affection on display was real, not forced or pretend. Turns out, Sam was intent on trying to kill a peaceful family who actively avoided hurting or killing anyone.
Angela was standing a bit away from the group and turned and started to leave. I had an idea of where she was going, and I hopped up to join her. Most of the room was either too distracted or didn't need to ask where I was going, which felt weird. Was it possible that they could already trust me? Angela looked over and gave me a warm smile.
"I promised you could meet them." She said with a small nod and headed deeper into the house. I had only seen the main living room and the kitchen so far, but she led me upstairs to a larger suite of rooms. "Please excuse the mess, it's still a work in progress. They gave me this room while I was still human, and we're converting it into a nursery."
There were two expensive cribs that could be turned into child sized beds, a changing station and a small chair that was occupied by another member of the family, Esme. She was holding a child with dark brown hair hanging past her shoulders in perfect brown ringlets. Her bright purple eyes turned to me with curiosity and a touch of caution. Then she glanced down at the smaller girls playing on the floor in front of her, and then towards the two perfect baby girls who were sleeping in their cribs.
"Esme, Leah would like to meet them all." Esme nodded, and motioned with her free hand towards the floor.
"This is Eliza." Esme bopped the nose of the girl in her arms. "Bree and Lilly are playing on the floor."
"Jez is over there, and Zoey is awake." Angela smiled, and picked up the girl who had sat up in her crib. Zoey's dark brown hair was quite long for being less than a week old, and her expression made it seem like she was eerily aware of her surroundings. Angela walked over to me and handed the girl over. I hadn't held a baby since mom brought Seth home when I was six, but it felt kinda neat to hold her.
"Lee Ah." Zoey said, reaching up towards my face. Her tiny fingers were nearly the same temperature as mine, and the single word made me reel in shock.
"You said she was talking, but how old is she?" I asked, looking at Angela in awe.
"Four days." She said with a deep, contented sigh. "Which means she's about two weeks old physically."
"That's freaking nuts." I was feeling both bewildered and utterly confused by hearing an actual newborn baby speak intelligible words. Seth didn't say his first word until he was nearly nine months old.
"Nuts." The other one repeated.
"I think they are basically parroting us, but they do connect names to faces pretty easily." Esme said, looking as proud as though she were their mother.
"Why nuts?" Eliza asked, hopping down from Rosalie's arms and walking over to me.
I leaned down and looked into her eyes, and I felt something deep inside that was oddly taken with the girl, and I found myself smiling at her.
"I meant crazy, strange, unusual. Nuts. English is very weird." I tried to explain, and the girl gave me a big smile in response.
"I like your hair." She reached up and started to stroke my hair, and normally I would've flinched, but for some reason I just accepted her touch. It was weird to have attention, I was used to being ridiculed or ignored. Then she pulled her hand away and ran back to Esme who scooped her up in her arms.
"So how do the relationship dynamics work?" I asked Angela and Esme, who glanced at each other with a soft shrug.
"Bella and I are sisters now, so that makes them all cousins." Angela explained easily enough, and I marveled at the easy way they declared themselves family. It made me a bit jealous if I was being honest with myself.
"Lee Ah!" Zoey said again, and pressed against my chest drawing my attention.
"That's my name, such a smart girl." I answered, my smile spreading wide. Her eyes widened, and a big infectious smile brightened her face.
"Lee Ah." She said back and giggled loudly.
"Leah." The other one said, reaching out towards me.
"This is Jezebel, or Jez." Angela said with a small happy smile, picking up her daughter and trading her with her sister in a transfer move so seamless I was a bit confused by what had happened. Jez started to almost examine me, and then reached out towards my cheek. As she touched me, I felt a strange tingling, and then a wave of absolute peace washed over me. I felt my body relax, my guilt over my father's death, and my worries washed away, and I just knew everything was going to be fine. Nothing about my situation or problems were too difficult to overcome, all I had to do was just accept who I was.
I was a wolf shifter. I was not responsible for my father's death, and I never loved Sam Uley, because I was gay. Her tiny hand pulled away from my face and with it the strange euphoria and clarity that it gave me went with it. Yet the knowledge she unlocked in me about my deepest issues lingered.
"What the holy fuck was that?" I said as my worldview came crashing down around me, yet somehow, I felt completely confident I could handle my new truth.
"Huh?" Both Angela and Esme responded in unison.
"When she touched me, something happened. All at once I felt myself relax and then everything became so clear. I'm not afraid anymore. I'm not angry. I'm gay… did I just say that out loud?" I glanced between them; suddenly very aware I was in a room with two virtual strangers, and one of them was involved with a woman. Perhaps Angela was more of a kindred spirit than I realized.
Saturday, April 17, 2004
"Rachel, no it just isn't the right timing." I said with a distinctly indecisive tone. She had been goading me to go to a party where she knew Sam was going to be. I wasn't sure I wanted to face him, because he had been avoiding me for a week. But I also had to get out of the house, especially because Emily was visiting down from Neah Bay and I had to play host.
"Does it matter if you guys are on the outs. He loves you." Rachel was playing a familiar game, but one which I knew I would ultimately relent. I honestly could never deny her games, she was my best friend after all.
"Fine, I'll go. As long as Emily can come with us." I said with a big exaggerated sigh.
"Yay." She threw up her fists and did a little arm dance. "Pick you guys up at eight." She leaned in and kissed me on the cheek and then turned on her heel and ran back down the driveway towards her car. The Rabbit was already showing signs of needing a lot of work, but she was determined to drive it until she graduated, then I was pretty sure she would pawn it off on Jacob who was already starting to show promise as a mechanic. I went back inside, and Emily was staring at me with expectation.
"Yeah, we're going. We need to be ready by eight." I said, and Emily nodded happily.
"Can't wait to meet this guy of yours. He sounds pretty great." She said diplomatically, I knew it was lip service as a friend. Honestly, I hadn't said much about Sam because we were basically split up already, even though we had said we loved each other. It was like just declaring our love was enough to make him pull away. I was conflicted, angry and ready for a fight, but I had to admit I was also secretly hoping he would apologize and take me back.
"Sam's a good guy." Dad said coming into the room. "So, were you going to ask to go to this party?"
"Nope, just gonna go. That's okay, right dad? I mean I am eighteen." I teased, and he just rolled his eyes and nodded.
"No sex, no smoking. Drugs are okay, but no beer. Maybe a few shots of tequila, but definitely no whiskey. Got it?" His expression was deadpan as usual, his dry humor making Emily stare at him in confusion.
"Right, so all the sex and a keg of beer." I teased back, and then Emily just looked between us like we were nuts.
"Rachel driving?" He asked rhetorically, he knew she was the only one in our group of friends with a car.
"Jacob actually, he's my backup date if things go badly with Sam." I kept my expression stony, although I wasn't sure how much longer I could keep a straight face. I had yet to win in our usual game of absurdity.
"Good choice, although I'm pretty sure Jacob is saving himself for Charlie's girl. Michelle might be a better choice long term." Harry nodded thoughtfully, and then his right eyebrow shot up as though he had a new thought. "Hmm, if Jacob is going maybe you should take Seth. He's been chomping at the bit to go to a party for weeks."
"Well, I'm pretty sure he would jump at the chance to enjoy the orgy…" I started but couldn't finish the thought as Emily stood up with a disgusted look on her face.
"You two are nuts." She started to storm out of the room, and I lost it and began to laugh hysterically. She put her hand on her hip and shook her head at me. Dad just shrugged and waited for me to calm down.
"Gotcha dad, I'll be careful like always." He nodded and glanced at Emily who now looked a little confused. Then left the room without another word.
"Don't worry about it, just a game dad and I play when he's laying down ground rules." I said in explanation and she nodded slowly as if just realizing it was all just in fun, and then Mom poked her head out of the back room just as I was about to go into more detail.
"Dinner's in an hour, and remember your dad is headed out early tomorrow so don't be out past eleven." Mom said with the kind of authority that I usually didn't try to question, yet she wasn't giving me much time out at all.
"Eleven? That's like three hours." I said feeling a little petty asking for more time.
"Fine, one-thirty but be quiet when you two come in." She frowned and ducked back into the kitchen.
I looked over at Emily and she shrugged and sat back down on the couch to watch television. I went into my room and plopped down onto my bed, picking up a very worn copy of my favorite book. I knew I would have to say goodbye to Rachel and Rebecca soon, Rachel was headed off to college and Rebecca was following her boyfriend to Hawaii. Neither had really been very social since their mom died last year, but at least Rachel came out once in a while. Rebecca had mostly withdrawn, and I usually only saw her at school. The younger twins were a different story, Michelle was still pretty bright, but Jacob had gotten darker and more serious. I wasn't sure how Billy was handling everything, but trying to deal with four teenagers while adapting to life in a wheelchair had to be hard.
Dinner was the usual, Mom made something vaguely traditional which smelled okay but wasn't all that tasty. Dad made the appropriate Mmmm sounds, he never wanted her to feel inadequate. After dinner we all sat together and watched television, a game show and an insipid romantic comedy featuring some overly coiffed idiot trying to get the attention of a woman who was so far out of his league that just the pairing was comical. Which I suppose was the entire point. Then eight came around and almost to the minute our doorbell rang.
Emily and I jumped up and were out the door, and in Rachel's car in less than a minute. When I got in I was deeply surprised to see Rebecca sitting in the back seat. She waved and gave me a forced smile.
"Rebecca Black heading out without Solomon, this is a first." I teased, and she rolled her eyes at me.
"Like you aren't going to this party exclusively to see Sam?" She shot back, with a little bit of venom. I must've hit a sore spot.
"Sorry, did Sol not want to come out?" I felt like an ass for some reason, even though it wasn't my intention to hurt her. I was just really happy to see her being social again.
"No, he had to head to Hawaii early for work, I won't see him again until June for our wedding." She pouted, and I felt my jaw drop.
"Wedding? When did he propose?" I asked, unable to hide my shock and surprise, I knew they were moving in together… but marriage.
"Oh, god I can't believe I didn't tell you. He proposed on Friday night over dinner." She reached out her hand and showed me a small but pretty diamond engagement ring. I glanced over at Rachel and she didn't look happy, but of course her twin sister was about to move very far away. They had originally planned to go to college together, but when Rebecca met Solomon everything changed.
"Congrats. Is the wedding gonna be here?" I asked feigning interest in something I knew was rushed and wrong. I wasn't sure Rebecca truly loved Solomon; I was almost positive she was just trying to escape from the misery of being reminded of her mother again and again. Seeing her dad in that wheelchair, looking at her baby brother and sister mourning, and perhaps the worst of all seeing an echo of her mother in her twin sister's face.
"Yes, and I want you as a bridesmaid. Both of you." Rebecca said happily, her smile wide and toothy but didn't quite reach her eyes.
"Rach, are you the Maid of Honor?" I looked over and she nodded once. "Are we getting a bachelorette party?"
"Yes, I'm the Maid of Honor, and no party." Rachel said with a pout. "Becca here doesn't want one."
"I just don't see a point." Rebecca said with a shrug.
"Well congratulations. You'll make a beautiful bride." Emily said with a warm smile.
"Thank you." Rebecca returned the smile in kind. "I just had an idea, maybe we should think of this party as my bachelorette party."
"Of course, one night I can't drink." Rachel mumbled, as we pulled up to a row of houses and a street packed with cars. A few people were headed towards the last house on the block, where I could feel the beat of the music playing from down the street.
"I'll drive home." I offered, and Rachel just shook her head.
"Nah, you need the out in case things go bad with Sam. I'm good." We all got out and headed inside, the music hitting me in the chest as the front door opened, taking my breath away.
We wandered around the party for a little while as a group, until I heard Sam call my name. I turned and found him camped out near the keg. He was acting as almost an unofficial bartender keeping the younger kids from the beer. He spotted me and waved, then turned towards Emily to see who was with me and his face went slack. His gaze lingered for an uncomfortable length of time, until he shook his head and looked at me again.
"Hey." He said almost absently, his eyes darting towards Emily every few seconds who I noticed was staring at him with almost the same level of intensity that he had just been directing at her.
"Hey. Um… this is my cousin Emily." The introduction was suddenly very awkward, with Emily seeming just as drawn to him as Sam was to her. She immediately held out her hand to him with a heavy blush on her cheeks.
"Nice to meet you." They shook hands for a bit longer than necessary, and I let loose a breath of air to draw some attention.
"Yeah, um Emily would you excuse us? Leah and I have a few things to talk about." Sam asked and she immediately smiled and bowed slightly before moving to blend into the party, stealing a quick glance back at Sam who gave her a bit more than a passing terse smile.
"Here?" I asked, and he shook his head. He led me to a small unoccupied room upstairs and closed the door. He looked nervous, and my first impulse was to go over and try and reassure him, comfort him. So, I started to reach out towards him, and he immediately shook his head.
"Leah, god. I'm so sorry, but we can't be together anymore." He looked down, almost ashamed of his own words.
"I don't understand. A week ago, you said you loved me. Was that a lie!?" My voice was growing louder and louder, enough to overcome the thump of the base coming from the other side of the door.
"No, but things have changed. I can't give you what you need anymore." He shook his head emphatically, clearly, I struck a nerve.
"So, I don't get an explanation, you're just dumping me? Is it someone else? God that's cliche, please don't be that guy." I frowned, and didn't really want to hear anymore, I just needed to get away from him. Yet I had to hear his answer, I had to know how much I needed to hated him.
"Not exactly." His tone was uncertain, his eyes searching the room for something and his expression was a mix of fear and confusion.
"Great. Have a good life, no fuck that. I hope whoever you are screwing gives you syphilis." I threw the insult at him, which seemed to hit him like I'd slapped him in the face. So I followed up my words with a real hard slap across his right cheek, and pushed past him out into the party. As I bounded down the stairs, I realized I had no interest in having fun, so I started to make a dash towards the door. Rachel saw me and intercepted me, and with one look at my face she shook her head and frowned and pulled me into a hug.
"He doesn't deserve you." She muttered into my ear just loudly enough to be heard over the party noise, and I found myself crying into her shoulder. "Let's get you that drink."
"No." I said pulling away and shaking my head. "I just need to get out of here. Could you make sure Emily gets home?"
"Of course, but I should come with you." She offered, and a part of me desperately wanted her to, but I shook my head.
"Have fun, don't let me bring down your night." I forced a smile in an attempt to reassure her that I was going to be okay.
"You're sure?" She said, tilting her head empathetically.
"I'll be fine." I didn't give her time to argue and turned and was through the door in the next instant. It was unspoken, but this was it, the last time we would hang out. Sam had ruined my last night with Rachel and Rebecca before graduation and we all went separate ways.
My house was only a couple of miles away, but I had no desire to mope in my room. So I took a long walk, vaguely headed towards home. It was a warm night, and the moon was high in the sky by the time I found myself alone on the streets of La Push. Then I made my way down to First beach and let the cool ocean water lap up over my feet. It was late by the time I made it home, and yet somehow I had beaten Emily. Not that I was worried, she was an adult and had a key. I crashed hard and didn't wake up until late the next morning. Thankfully it was a Sunday, so I puttered around the house, before realizing that Emily never made it back.
I picked up the house phone and dialed Rachel. It rang a few times before a male voice answered.
"Hello?" It was Jacob.
"Hey, it's Leah. Is Rachel up yet?" I felt stupid asking, I didn't know why I was worried.
"Yeah, she looks like death though." He said with a chuckle in his voice. In the background I heard her say, 'thanks'. There was a rustle and the phone was handed over.
"Leah?" Rachel sounded groggy and her voice had the toneless quality of someone who didn't want to be awake.
"Yeah, do you know what happened to Emily? She isn't here." I asked, sounding more worried than I actually felt.
"Um… about that. Some stuff happened last night. Are you sitting down?" She sounded more awake, but just from the tone of her voice I knew what had happened. I almost hung up but gritted my teeth in preparation for the news.
"Yeah." I lied.
"So, after you left Sam started to drink. I tried to confront him, but he was so messed up. So, Emily tried, and they got to talking. An hour later I found them kissing, they left together." Rachel paused, and started to apologize. "I'm so sorry Leah, I didn't see it coming or I would've…"
"No, it's okay. You did nothing wrong. I have to go, we'll talk later." I managed to not slam down the phone receiver but that was the last moment of coherent thought I had for the rest of the day. Emily eventually came back to talk to me, but I threw something at my door and told her to fuck off. Both mom and dad tried to coax me out to dinner, but I just screamed at them to go away. Emily left later that afternoon, and my emotional state sat like a ball in the pit of my stomach, where I let it fester.
Saturday, June 26, 2004
Rebecca's wedding came too soon, and I wasn't ready to be social. After months of moping I ended up failing my senior year of highschool, leaving me with two options: Summer school to make it up, or repeating the grade. For multiple reasons I knew that summer school would be a bust because I had to get my head on right again. So I chose to repeat the grade, despite feeling like the biggest loser on the planet.
I had gotten the bridesmaid dress a week before but hadn't bothered to have it adjusted, so while it fit, it wasn't super flattering. I put my long hair into a simple bun and threw on the most basic make up I could get away with for such an event. The walk over to the Tribal Council building where the ceremony was to be held was not short, but I refused the ride offered by Dad as the rest of the family gathered together to attend the wedding.
I hoped they wouldn't be there, but I knew Rebecca invited practically the entire town. When I entered the building, I was greeted by the Blacks, all of them were smiling. I could tell Rachel was happy for her sister and was smiling too, but I also knew she had been pretty depressed since the party. She was looking down the barrel of a goodbye gun, with her twin sister potentially leaving forever to a place that was distinctly remote. It put everything into stark contrast, with the happiness of the day eclipsed by the shadow of separation hanging like a storm cloud over the proceedings.
There were the obligatory handshakes and hugs, and I was given a bundle of bluebell flowers to hold that matched my baby blue dress. I stood just outside the inner doors, not quite ready to go inside when Rachel came over and placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder.
"They are in there, and they are together, but they know you're coming and promised they won't flaunt their relationship in front of you." Rachel meant well, but it was the last thing I needed to hear. I gave her a forced smile and nodded, then took a deep breath and exhaled it loudly and made my way through the doors.
The decorations were well done, and even the simple metal folding chairs had some flowers and lace tied to the backs. Solomon was already standing near the makeshift altar, and so was the Minister from Forks, a family friend of the Black's named Franklin Webber. Charlie Swan and the Minister's family were in attendance as well, and they stuck out among the guests made up of basically the entire tribe. The only other outsiders were some visitors from Neah Bay including Emily, who was sitting next to Sam. Even looking at their backs, their physical proximity confirmed they were not only together, but happy.
I desperately wanted to throw my flowers at them and run away, but instead I stood in the back waiting for my queue to head down the aisle ahead of Rachel and Rebecca. I thankfully didn't have to wait long, as the music started, and everyone turned. I locked eyes briefly with Sam and then Emily who tried to smile at me, but I shook my head slightly, causing her to frown.
The wedding itself was short, and rather sweet. Solomon actually cried during his vows, leaving me with a much better impression of him than I had before the wedding. Then we were outside, and everyone began to mill their way over to the pavilion overlooking the ocean for the reception. I was halfway there when Emily caught up with me. I glanced over to see who it was and then tried to shy away from her.
"No, Emily, I don't want to talk to you." I said harshly, stopping and facing her with a scowl on my face. "You and fuckface betrayed me, and I'm not letting it go. No wait, I want to know one thing, were you fucking him before he broke up with me?"
"Leah, no, god no. I only started talking with him to try and figure out what happened. Then… then. I don't really know how it happened. There's so much he can't say, I just wish you could understand. He feels so bad about leaving you like that, and he really did mean it when he told you he loved you." She was deeply emotional and crying, trying to tell me something rational, when I was anything but rational. I was in pain, and I lashed out needing her to feel it too.
"I don't fucking care. I never want to see either of you ever again." My voice was deep and cutting, with an anger that made my body shake from the emotion behind the sentiment. I wanted to say more, to tell them I wished them both violence and death, but I held my tongue, choosing instead to run. I never looked back, not even to say goodbye to Rebecca who left that evening on her honeymoon.
Friday, August 27, 2004
The call about the accident made me stop in place. I had been angry for months, seething with righteous indignation. Yet Emily was in the hospital, and they weren't sure if she would pull through. I spent a full day trying to figure out if I could or should go and visit her. It was one thing to wish her ill, it was another to hear she was at the point of death. Dad was waiting for me in the living room, which was unexpected because I'd thought I heard everyone leave for the hospital earlier in the day.
"Sit." He wasn't in a playful mood, he looked upset. I obeyed and took the couch across from his beat-up recliner. "Let me finish before you say anything." I nodded once; I didn't want to argue with him.
"Have I ever told you about my high-school sweetheart?" Dad's face was relatively neutral, but it was a leading question.
"Not really, I know you dated Mom's cousin Emma." I answered, not sure if I was getting the family history right.
"That's right. Except we were not just dating, we were engaged. I was deeply in love with Emma, she was going to be my life. Our marriage was set for June that year, a lot like Rebecca, right after we graduated. It was going to be beautiful. Sue was her best friend, the fact they were cousins was inconsequential. Sue was practically like a sister to me at the time, and I loved her but never looked at her romantically. Then there was the accident, Emma was caught in a riptide one day at the beach and drowned. We never did find her body." He closed his eyes briefly and sniffed once to hold back the tears I could see forming in the corners of his eyes. That was twenty-five years ago and he was still mourning her death. "The loss destroyed me, and Sue was the only one that could get through to me. Eventually that turned into something more."
"I'm not sure how that relates…" I started but he shook his head.
"When I realized I was in love with your mother, I felt horrible. It was like I was betraying Emma's memory and it nearly broke us up. That sense of betrayal, no matter how little it meant in the long run, was so powerful it was like a physical wound on my heart. I honestly don't know if Emma would've wanted us to be happy, but I could say with absolute certainty I would've felt better if I had her blessing." He gave me a sympathetic smile, as if he understood my pain on some level. Then I realized it was the opposite, he was speaking on Emily's behalf.
"You want me to give Emily my blessing?" I asked incredulously, not quite believing what he was asking of me.
"No, what I'm saying is Emily is hurting, and I don't mean just that she's in a hospital from… an animal attack. I mean she's hurting because she hurt you. She needs your forgiveness, and if you cannot give her that peace, you shouldn't visit her." That's when I realized he wasn't asking me to do anything except spare her more pain. I stared at him for several minutes, and he met my gaze. He must've been waiting for me to choose, and I wasn't sure which way I was going to go. Finally, he gave me a terse smile and stood up.
"I'm going to the hospital, want a ride?" His offer was implicit, and there was no judgment or expectation in his eyes or expression.
"I'd like that." I said getting up and grabbing my coat. The rain was heavy when we arrived, and just outside we could see a man pacing frantically back and forth in front of the entrance. His shorts and sleeveless hoodie stood out against the chilly Autumn afternoon. It took me a moment to realize it was Sam, and when he saw me, he stopped motionless, his expression oddly hopeful. I managed a small nod towards him but couldn't meet his eyes. I noticed dad giving Sam a look full of anger, which I couldn't figure out, but I had to guess there was more going on than I was being told. Sam followed us inside to the recovery ward, and once there they both remained silent. Dad had a hard look on his face, and more than once glared at Sam with anger in his eyes.
"What's going on?" I asked, but Dad just shook his head.
"None of our business." He said with an edge to his voice that made me deeply curious, but I just nodded without pushing for more. We found most of Emily's family in the waiting room, along with Mom and Seth. Everyone gave me a look of surprise, but we were greeted warmly, and Emily's mother immediately beckoned me over.
"Emily would love to see you." She said and practically pushed me towards her room. I looked around feeling awkward but nodded and headed towards the doorway feeling heavy and not ready to have the conversation yet. I also wasn't entirely sure what had happened to Emily and hoped I wouldn't have to keep myself from reacting.
The room was private, and she had a privacy curtain pulled so that only her feet could be seen from the hallway. As I rounded the curtain I found she was turned away from me, towards the closed window, as raindrops ran down the glass like tears. I could see some bandaging but didn't know what to expect. Then she turned towards me and found the entire right side of her face was wrapped up. I gasped, and rushed towards her bedside without thinking, taking her hand as she reached out towards me.
"I'm so sorry." She muttered in a wavering voice, and the simple movement of her mouth clearly caused her pain. Her expression was also deeply conflicted, with anger and sorrow and pain warring for a place in her eyes.
I shook my head and squeezed her hand a bit tighter, "please don't speak. It should be me who apologizes. I shouldn't have been so awful to you. I can't forgive him, but I can't blame you for his actions."
"I…" She winced before continuing. "It doesn't matter. I'm just happy to see you." She sighed slightly, and I leaned down and gave her a hug. Then I sat down in the nearby chair and kept her company for the rest of the afternoon. The rest of the family came in and out of her room several times. While my anger towards Sam hadn't changed, I was no longer upset with Emily. She had become family again in one afternoon of healing. It left me feeling good, but that warm emotion was in direct conflict with my hatred for Sam. I wanted her in my life again but wasn't sure I could handle seeing them together. Which left me feeling defeated again.
Wednesday, September 13, 2005
I was looking at the classifieds for a new job when the news came that Isabella Swan had died. The wake was beautiful, but my mom and dad were tense as we watched all her family and friends say goodbye. She looked so beautiful laying in her casket, a macabre reminder how short life was. The next day they were all standing around her grave, and Mr. Webber had to clear his throat before starting, his own emotions over Bella's death were written across his furrowed brow.
The rain had been light, but we were all freezing as he started to speak. Charlie Swan was holding the urn and looked as though he would never let it go. The gravestone engraving was simple but classy:
'Isabella Marie Swan; Beloved daughter, died too soon.
September 13, 1987- September 12, 2005 '
Dad and Billy Black were glaring openly at the only Cullen attending, a small black-haired girl who barely looked fifteen, standing next to Mr. Webber's daughter Angela. The fact she was the only Cullen in attendance was surprising given how often I had seen her family at the hospital the year before. Rumors surrounding Bella was that she was involved with Edward Cullen, but they must've been wrong considering he wasn't at the wake or her funeral.
"Charlie has asked to say a few things before I carry out Bella's final rights. Charlie." Mr. Weber motioned to Charlie who stood still for several long seconds, before kneeling and touching the grass near her grave. Then he set down her urn and didn't stand back up when he started, as though he were talking to Bella directly.
"Bella, I don't have the words to explain how I feel right now. Pain I guess is the easiest, but it is so much more than that. I can't remember how many times I held back telling you how much I love you. I can't remember how many times I didn't tell you that you were special. After the accident I wanted you to know I still cherished you, and I was so proud..." He sounded so broken, his voice cracking on the word proud. Then he cleared his throat twice before continuing.
"So proud that you managed to find a way to be strong with that much weight on your shoulders." He stopped again, standing up and without breaking eye contact with her urn. It was impossible to watch him try to hold back his pain so he could finish what he wanted to say.
"I'll miss you terribly Bells, god I hope you know that." He openly started to cry, and stepped back towards his wife, or ex-wife, I wasn't sure what the situation was. But my confusion was cleared up quickly when she tried to comfort him, and he shrugged her off.
"Thank you, Charlie." Mr. Webber said, drawing attention away from a grieving father. "My daughter Angela wanted to say a few words as well before we end the service and say our final goodbyes."
Angela stepped forward, looking back at the lone Cullen briefly before starting. "Isabella was my best friend. I don't know what life is going to be like now that she's gone to a different place. I know she'll be there watching over me, but it hurts to know I won't see her again in this life. So, goodbye Bella, I'll miss you for as long as I draw breath." She nodded her head and stepped back to join her friend. I wasn't sure what to make of her speech, it was nice but felt strange, but I couldn't quite put my finger on why.
"We now say goodbye to Isabella Swan. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust…" I started to tune out the minister at that point and didn't follow anything else until the staff at the cemetery took her urn and set it on a small device that lowered it into the ground. Everyone had very different reactions to watching her be buried. Her parents were pretty normal, save for her mother's theatrics. Her friends looked conflicted and a little afraid, like they were holding onto a secret of Bella's that would ruin her reputation or something. Then there was Billy and my father, who I couldn't figure out at all. They looked intense, and angry. Their anger directed almost exclusively towards the Cullen girl. I shrugged it off as tension between the families, since there were rumors that the Cullen's were not good people, or if you listened to legend, they were descended from an ancient enemy.
I followed my family home because we were supposed to have a family dinner. Bella's sparking something in my parents that compelled them to want to see me everyday again. While I appreciated the free meals, I was already feeling angry about the forced and overbearing obligation since I had finally graduated and moved out. I sat in my car for a little bit trying to calm myself down, it was weird the last few weeks I had been having major issues controlling my emotions, especially on the darker end of the spectrum.
When I went inside my mom was waiting in the living room, tapping her foot with impatience. I didn't know why, maybe the takeout food they had gotten was getting cold or something. I rolled my eyes at her and started towards the kitchen. She got in my way and shook her head.
"Not yet, I need to say something first." She wasn't speaking loudly, so she must not have wanted to bother Dad and Seth.
"Okay, go ahead." I said with a small impatient sigh.
"Your attitude has been abysmal for far too long, and lately you seem to resent just being in the same room as your family! You cannot blame this on the breakup, that was over a year ago. So, what's going on with you?" She was a little angry, but mostly worried. Yet for some reason it set me off, and I could feel this rage building in my chest. An indignant rant was forming, but then something happened before I could say a word.
"Mom…" I pleaded, as suddenly an overwhelming pain coursed through my body so intense that I dropped me to the ground. I started to writhe in pain, just to find some semblance of relief but nothing seemed to help. I could feel the scream coming but it died on my lips as everything shifted. My body was no longer my body. I was something else, I knew it. Mom was staring at me in shock, as the pain subsided, and I managed to stand. I could see Dad and Seth standing in the doorway, and for a split second I found all their expressions comical… until Dad clutched his chest and collapsed.
"No!" I said trying to move towards him, but the loud bark that came from my throat stopped me in my tracks. I locked eyes with Seth who was staring at me with a look that told me something was happening behind his eyes. Then he also stumbled back into the kitchen, and then there was a loud clatter. A few seconds later there was a small roar of pain as a very large wolf padded into the room and leaned its head down towards dad, who was no longer moving. Mom was sitting next to him crying. That's when I realized what I was feeling, a combination of scent and sound told me that my father was dead. I couldn't handle what I was seeing and turned towards the door but my hands weren't there to open it. So without another option, I rammed into it as hard as I could, and it flew off its hinges.
I barreled out into the street and made for the ocean, my usual haven to calm my frayed nerves. I knew this had to be a bad dream, but it felt so real. As I bounded up the small boardwalk towards the beach two men that I didn't want to see entered the beach to the north. Half of Sam's gang, as we were all calling it around town, spotted me and started to run towards me shouting and waving. I had no desire to talk to them, so I ran in the opposite direction.
They followed me. For miles, as I realized how different I had become. I was on four legs, I had fur and I was fast, faster than was natural. I had somehow been given superpowers, so it had to be a dream. No, nightmare. It had to be, because otherwise… my father. No. I had to be asleep, worried about Bella's funeral.
"Stop, whoever you are." The voice was in my head, it wasn't out loud, and in response I pushed myself faster. "Damn it. Please stop, so we can explain what's happening to you."
"No! This isn't real!" I shouted although the words were entirely in my mind. My physical voice was nothing but guttural barks and yelps.
"Leah?" That's when I recognized the voice; I was somehow hearing Sam in my head. The nightmare was complete. "Leah, stop. You're a werewolf."
I stopped.
"What did you say?" I grunted at him; my anger was seething. That's when they appeared, and I realized an awful truth. They were wolves, just like my brother. Just like… me.
"No, nonononono…" I felt flush and terrified and shook my head at them. Then took off towards the hospital. I could feel them following.
"Something happened." The other voice sounded like Paul Lahote, which made sense.
"Seth changed too, we managed to get him to shift back and we're headed for the hospital. The ambulance just arrived." I recognized the new voice as Collin Littlesea.
"Is he…" I said not wanting an answer.
"The ambulance driver got him resuscitated, but he's probably going to need surgery." Jared replied.
"Anyone but Carlisle Cullen." Paul added with an angry tone to his mental voice.
"He's the best surgeon in the area, why not?" I demanded.
"He's a vampire. Just like the rest of his family, and now they've taken Isabella Swan." Sam countered easily, his voice was defensive and angry just like Paul. But there was an edge to it that was clearly directed towards me.
"Wait, what?" I forced my legs to stop, and stared at the three of them as they stumbled to a stop a few feet in front of me.
"The Swan girl was turned, that funeral you went to today was fake." Collin filled me in, and even innocent little Collin seemed to be full of anger and hate.
"But her father? Why would she do that to him?" I questioned, and started to wonder if I had a choice in what I mentally spoke out loud.
"For legs, she probably did it so she could walk again." Paul said with disgust. "Letting yourself be turned into one of those monsters just to change who you are."
"That's not fair Paul. I might do the same if I had suffered those kinds of injuries." I countered, feeling conflicted about what they were upset about, beyond the fact that my world view had just upended. I was a freaking werewolf and now there were vampires. Not only that but someone I had known since I was a kid was now a vampire. It spun me, more than suddenly having Sam in my head.
"This is not the right time. We stand watch, make sure Cullen isn't a part of this and then we do this all formal like. Understood." Sam spoke in a strange way, and I felt my mind start to bend to his will. I hated the feeling and immediately bucked against it, but for some reason I felt a pressure to obey that was difficult to fight against.
"Yes Sam." The other three said almost in unison.
"Leah. Do you understand?" Sam asked me directly, that same tone to his mental voice pushing against me.
I tried to push back, "no. I don't. If he can work on my father, get him through this, I don't give a shit if he's a vampire. Hell, that might mean he's faster and more precise, well if they are superhuman like in the movies."
"They are, and don't underestimate them. They can rip you in half without breaking a sweat." Jared warned, but it didn't have the effect he was hoping for. It sounded like we needed to be at peace with them, not provoke them with open hostility.
"Leah, they are our natural enemies. We have tolerated them to a point because of an old treaty, but now that treaty is void because of what they did to Bella." Sam explained, and it honestly didn't make sense to me.
"That would be Bella's choice right? If they forced her to become like them, that's one thing, but otherwise who are we to judge? They're just people right?" I tried to work out how I felt, and I could feel Sam's frustration weighing on me.
"Wrong, they're soulless monsters. I've even heard one of them even say as much to Bella." Paul countered, taking a step towards me aggressively. Sam barked at him and snapped his jaws in warning, so Paul backed off, but was still leveling me with a deadly glare.
"You're watching them?" I felt my anger spike, it was horrible behavior and it made me question Sam on every level. Judgment, leadership and above all character. If he was allowing intolerance and fear to rule his decisions then I didn't know what I was going to do, now that I was mentally tethered to him and his little pack.
"Absolutely, and you will help. Is that understood!" Sam's voice pushed at my mind again, and this time I felt unable to fight against it, my head bowing in obedience against my will.
"Yes. I understand." As I sent the words over our strange connection, I knew I no longer had free will. My only recourse was to accept what they were saying as the truth.
"Now stop and try to calm yourself. You can't go into the hospital like that. Can one of you grab some clothes for her?" Sam's voice still felt like a command, and oddly enough emotions evened out to an extent. While I didn't fully calm down, I did feel a measure of relief as my body relaxed. I suddenly found myself human again, kneeling down on the ground, totally naked.
"What now?" I said, feeling absolutely lost. I was stuck in this nightmare, this very real nightmare, full of werewolves and vampires. A nightmare where my dad was in the hospital fighting for his life. When no one replied I felt a wave of hope that maybe my life hadn't been completely turned upside down, until two wolves bounded up next to me. One transforming before my eyes into my ex-boyfriend.
Sam stood there as naked as the first night we slept together. I wasn't ashamed of my body, but I didn't like that he could see me so exposed again. Yet, despite the awkwardness he acted like an absolute gentleman, which almost made it worse. Paul stayed in his wolf form, but I could see him staring at my tits, which while disgusting, at least fit his personality. I glanced at them both and took off towards the hospital which I knew was only a quarter mile away. I had run miles in minutes, it was mind boggling.
"Leah, wait!" Sam's voice wasn't as powerful, but it was now too real. I stopped and looked back at him. "Jared is bringing you clothes."
"Fine." I crossed my arms over my chest and waited. It took Jared only three minutes to appear, and when he did, he was carrying a small laundry bag in his teeth. He saw me and immediately shut his eyes and dropped the bag, then turned to give me privacy and the other two followed suit.
"Thanks Jared." I managed and found he had grabbed a pair of shorts and a t-shirt along with what was left of my sneakers. I dressed quickly. "It's okay now."
The boys all turned around and Paul chuffed loudly looking at my shoes which had several large tears along the seams. Sam had on a pair of shorts which was good because I didn't want to see him naked again.
"Small tip, slip out of your shoes first, and invest in a lot of basic t-shirts." Sam said, but I just shook my head at him and ran off towards the hospital.
I ran into the emergency room and couldn't find Seth or Mom, so I went to reception. She looked up at me with a placid expression of someone who had seen the same look on far too many people's faces.
"Name?" The receptionist asked with a droll tone of voice.
"Harry Clearwater." I said somewhat frantically.
"Relationship?" She asked in follow up, her expression and emotion still painfully neutral.
"Daughter." I said with as much urgency as I could express one word.
As she looked up the file her expression shifted slightly to one of sympathy, and my heart sank wondering if she was about to tell me my father was dead. Then she looked up and motioned towards a set of doors off to the right.
"Through those doors up to the third floor, he's in surgery. There's a waiting room down the hall from the elevator, just follow the signs." Her voice was more patient and kind, but I didn't really care as I took off with a distracted wave in her direction.
"Thanks." I managed, before sprinting through the doors and to the singular elevator, which opened quickly and got me to the third floor in seconds. Then I started to run towards the waiting room, but found my feet growing sluggish as I noticed a man standing in the hallway talking to my family dressed in a white doctor's lab coat. Even from twenty feet away I could hear him say the words I couldn't hear.
"I'm so sorry for your loss." He turned and walked back towards the restricted area for hospital personnel, and at the same moment my mother lost her composure and fell into Seth's arms who somehow managed to hold her up easily. He pulled her into a hug and I could see tears streaming down his face.
"Leah." Seth said as he finally noticed me, but I knew I couldn't handle their grief. Not when I was responsible for his heart attack. So I threw myself into a run, back downstairs and into the woods. I found I could shift into the wolf easily and ran as far as I could until the voices calling me back were faint and difficult to make out. I ran until I couldn't run anymore, stopping near a small lake in the middle of the wilderness totally untouched by humanity. I shifted back into my frail human form and curled into a ball on the shoreline and started to cry, for hours, until my chest hurt from the sobs. I stayed there until the first hints of sunlight hit my face. I sat up and washed my face with the cool water of the lake, the ripples distorting my reflection.
I could barely recognize the woman in the fractured image. She looked tired, and crazed and older than the last time I saw myself. I reached out as the water settled and tried to trace the lines of my face, trying to find myself again. Yet all I could see was my anger and my sorrow. The pain of the previous night seemed to be etched onto my face as a permanent scowl. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and shifted into my wolf, then took off towards home. I listened and waited carefully and made my way to my apartment without being seen.
I took the time to shower, change into something I could wear at a funeral, and forced down a bowl of cereal before getting into my beat up card and driving to my parent's house. There were half a dozen cars parked outside, most of which I recognized, including Charlie Swan's police cruiser. Entering the house there were people milling around who all turned and greeted me warmly. Their sympathy was a shallow mirror for my own stifling grief. The only person that shook my hand that matched my own feelings was Chief Swan, who looked like he was teetering on the edge of insanity.
His normally groomed hair and mustache were wild and uncombed, and his eyes were bloodshot and puffy. I couldn't imagine what he was going through, to lose a daughter followed by his best friend a day later… it had to be impossible to cope. Except, I knew a truth about his daughter, one I desperately wanted to reveal to him. Just to give him a moment of peace from his obvious torment. I held on to his hand for a long moment before letting it go, and I could tell he appreciated the commiseration.
I moved into the kitchen and sat down next to my mother, taking her hand. She looked at me and I expected to see hatred, instead it was relief. She was happy to see me, and I felt my heart snap. She clearly didn't blame me, which made no sense because I had ruined her life. I wanted to run again, but I couldn't. So I somehow managed to stand strong and never leave her side for two days as we prepared my father's body for a traditional burial.
It was early morning, and Billy Black started the ceremony. Charlie Swan was the only outsider present, yet his presence was somehow soothing to me. A fellow survivor of all this insanity. I barely heard the words, far too focused on my own pain and holding up my mother and being there for my brother to listen, yet I noticed the breeze coming off the water was bracing. The pack except for me, along with Charlie Swan picked up my father together, and carried him to the canoe. Then it was our turn, and Mom, Seth and I moved over and pushed him out onto the river. The ritual was an important tradition, despite knowing that several men upriver were waiting to catch the canoe and take my father's body to be buried in our local cemetery.
I watched it until it disappeared.
After the funeral I was summoned by Sam, and despite my reluctance to do anything beyond helping my mother, I obeyed. My brother joined me, leaving my mother alone with her grief. I was furious, my mind seething with anger and hatred, and I could tell from the connection we had to each other they could all feel me, and I loved it. I wanted them to feel my hate, my rage over everything that had happened. I wanted them to suffer. I wanted them to feel my pain.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005 - Leah
"You just realized it, didn't you?" Angela said with a friendly smile. "I'm so happy you found yourself." I stared at her for several long seconds, she had just accepted me without hesitation or even a second thought. I wanted to hug her, as tears started to fall from my eyes unbidden.
"Your daughter made me realize it." I said and looked down at the child in my arms, feeling a connection to her that made me feel small and fragile, but I also knew at that moment I would protect these children with my life. Then I looked up and was met with contented smiles from both Angela and Esme and realized I had found something I never expected, true friendship. These people were special, this family was important.
"Fuck." I said softly, realizing I was committed just like Angela wanted me to be. Then a phone started to buzz on the desk situated under the window overlooking the back lawn.
"Bella must've left it up here." Angela said, walking over and picking it up.
"Hello?" She said with a small sigh, her expression unreadable.
"Angela?" The voice on the other end was one I didn't recognize but Esme did, and her eyes shot towards Angela with surprise and excitement.
Author's Note: I was checking out Leah's canon history and they list her first transformation as the reason Harry had a freaking heart attack. It was basically a footnote. Upon reading that factoid I am just floored by how a character with such a fascinating story and history was overlooked and treated as a hostile one-dimensional stereotype in the original novels.
So, two big reveals in this chapter, Leah's sexuality may be mildly against canon, but she is so poorly drawn in the story that she can be altered with almost no effect on canon unfortunately. There has also been no imprinting, Jez's power is what caused Leah's revelation. As for her feeling of connection with Eliza… well there might be something to that. But not for a number of years, because again these shifters do not imprint on children.
Please take a moment to leave a review, I don't always respond but I read them all and they have even influenced story directions.
Next Chapter: A Long March Home - Edward
Thank you for reading!