Recovery
Akaashi noticed it, of course, he did, how could he not? When he was cooking, when he was bathing, oh, can't forget the moments before he moved in with them when he still lived at his old apartment across town, those were the worst. If they could help it, they never left him alone.
They helped him move the little stuff he had into their apartment but he was adamant on staying in his old one until the month was over because he put everything he had into paying rent that month.
They put up a fight, of course they did, but he put his foot down and claimed he could always change his mind about moving in with them and they shut up.
"We don't want you to sleep on the couch when you have a bed here!" Bokuto pleaded but Akaashi merely crossed his arms and turned away.
"Kou, it's fine," Tsukishima came around and wrapped his arms around Akaashi's shoulders, "we respect your decision Keiji, as soon as the month is up you'll come?"
"No sooner, no later."
Akaashi wondered why Tsukishima had given up so easily when the goal had been to persuade him to live with them sooner but he found his answer when a knock came at his door at 6:30 the next morning. He opened his door to a cheerful Bokuto and an equally baggy-eyed Kuroo.
"'Kaashi! We've come!"
"Mornin' Keiji."
Their responses were completely different and Akaashi felt the incredible need to slam the door in their faces. Instead, he stepped aside and allowed them entry. He noticed the bags they carried but ignored them in favor of going back to sleep on his relatively comfortable couch. He trudged back into his living room to do so but he was caught by the waist and he glared at Bokuto who grinned back at him. Kuroo sat on the couch first and Bokuto let Akaashi go to sit next and they looked at him expectantly. The former setter groaned before he sprawled across their laps.
His head was on Kuroo's thighs and his thighs stretched out over Bokuto's. His arm fell over the side of the couch and he fell back to sleep.
It was like that every morning and either one of them stayed over in his cold apartment with him or he went over to their warm apartment with them. Eventually, they thought it was fun to bring futons over and they had sleepovers in his apartment because he was tired of them waking him up in the early hours of the morning.
Tsukishima always seemed to be the mastermind behind the visits and Akaashi was glad when the month was over and he could sell his little couch and move into their king-size bed that supported all four of them, legs and all.
He was in the kitchen cooking; it was still cold outside so he was prepping for yosenabe when Bokuto slithered in from the living room. He knew his boyfriend meant well but he already promised them he wouldn't cut anymore so he didn't understand why he had to be constantly watched. He ignored the subtle irritation he felt and smiled thinly at his boyfriend.
"D'you want some help 'Kaashi?" Bokuto's voice was reserved and it made the former setter uncomfortable.
"I'm fine, Kou," Akaashi responded as he began to plate the different ingredients.
"Can I... help you set the table?" Akaashi's eyes flickered to Bokuto who was shifty on his feet and sighed lightly.
"Of course," Akaashi didn't want to get angry for no reason, there was no point, and Bokuto didn't deserve it, "the soup and these dishes can go on the table, I'll bring the rest."
Bokuto's smile was so bright and Akaashi couldn't help but smile back. They set the table together and Akaashi listened to his chatter as he talked about absolutely nothing just to fill the silence.
Akaashi filled in every once in a while with a "yes Kou, of course, Kou, I don't know Kou," and Bokuto loved every moment of it.
"I love you Keiji," Bokuto said suddenly and Akaashi met his eyes, "you know that right?"
Ah, so that was it.
Akaashi knew it from the beginning they hated him cutting, he hated it from the beginning also but they were making every effort to get him not to have a reason to want to again. It was really annoying. He told them already.
A smile came to his lips, "I know Kou, I love you too."
"I smell food!" Kuroo barrelled into the kitchen and Tsukishima followed behind him with mile-long strides. Akaashi couldn't help but watch those legs as they moved and he followed them up, past his groin, although his eyes lingered there for a bit too long, over his stomach, up his torso and neck before finally meeting his eyes.
Suddenly he felt two arms wrap around his shoulders.
"He's gorgeous, isn't he?" Kuroo's mouth was so, so close to his ear and his voice and warm breath sent shivers up his spine.
"You were checking him out hard 'Kaashi I'm pretty jealous," he could hear the grin in Bokuto's teasing voice.
Akaashi covered his face in mortification and groaned. He felt another hand on his chin and he peeked through his fingers to Tsukishima's golden eyes.
"It's okay Keiji, you can check me out whenever you want."
Kuroo and Bokuto burst into laughter and Akaashi huffed in embarrassment and lowered his head.
Finally, they sat down and Bokuto started them off, "itadakimasu!"
"Itadakimasu." The other three echoed.
Akaashi thought it was nice as they shared idle chatter.
He loved it all; Bokuto's laughter, Kuroo's deep voice, Tsukishima's disparaging comments, it made him feel at home.
Clean-up was silent, and for the most part, Akaashi did it by himself. He didn't mind, at this point, he appreciated every moment of alone time he could get. He chuckled to himself, he hated being alone when he lived alone, and now that he didn't—
He shook his head, he enjoyed their company, all of them, because they all had their own quirks and things that he loved.
"Keiji."
A shiver trailed up his spine and he looked at Kuroo who had peeked his head into the kitchen, "yes?"
"Want some help?"
"No, I'm fine," Akaashi smiled.
"Okay, well, we're setting up for a movie, any particular genre?"
"Comedy." Kuroo seemed surprised at his answer.
"Akaashi Keiji, the one of us who could never pick a movie genre to save his life has chosen comedy?"
Akaashi shrugged, "I'm in the mood for a good laugh."
Kuroo smirked and the chill came back to Akaashi, "I'll tell Kei to pick a good one."
Akaashi nodded and turned back to the dishes. He supposed that was his cue to hurry up.
Every day, they reminded him just why he was there. He loved them but he didn't want to have to depend on them. He wanted to be independent, he wanted to support himself and support them and he broke when he couldn't anymore. He needed to find a job.
He bit his lip as his nose tingled. Crying wasn't an option, he needed to suck it up and figure it out.
"Hey Keiji," Akaashi glanced backward at Tsukishima who entered the kitchen this time. "Kou and Tetsu wanted to make out so I've been sent on 'make popcorn' duty."
Akaashi chuckled, "they better quit before they get started or we'll never watch the movie."
Tsukishima snorted and rummaged around in the cabinet for the popcorn, "you know that won't happen easily."
"We should appreciate it. It will be a bad day if Kou and Tetsu don't make out anymore," Akaashi laughed and Tsukishima paused. The raven glanced at the blonde startled by his sudden lack of movement and was surprised when he turned his head and Tsukishima met him with a kiss.
"Well," Tsukishima pushed up his glasses and smirked, "I'll always make out with you Keiji."
"Of course you will Kei," Akaashi laughed nervously, "I'd be sad if you didn't. Now, find the popcorn, I'm sure it's in a place only you can reach."
"You mean a place only you can't?" Tsukishima snorted with a smile and Akaashi scoffed.
"Wow, rude. It's not my fault I'm dating three freakishly tall people."
Tsukishima laughed as he found the popcorn and popped it in the microwave. "You sure you don't want any help with the dishes?"
"No," Akaashi smiled, "I'm enjoying myself."
Tsukishima hummed as the microwave beeped and poured the popcorn out into a bowl and gave Akaashi another kiss, "well, come quickly before things escalate out there."
"You got it."
Tsukishima left the kitchen and Akaashi sighed. He finished up the kitchen and walked out to the living room.
Things escalated, of course, and Tsukishima got roped into it and was currently sandwiched between their two older lovers. Kuroo took his mouth while Bokuto sucked on the tender spot behind his ear that reduced the blonde into trembling putty.
Akaashi swallowed as he watched and he thought that they looked amazing together. Kuroo's eyes met his and he shivered as those narrow hazel eyes saw right through him. Tsukishima parted from him with a gasp and threw his head back on Bokuto's shoulder which gave the wing spiker even more gnawing space. Kuroo reached a hand out to him and he didn't move right away as he took in the soft porn scene before him.
"Keiji," Kuroo's voice was thick and it sent a chill through his spine and caught the attention of his other lovers, "come here."
He stepped forward, his body shaking in anticipation as he knew what was going to happen. He fell to his knees and crawled over into Kuroo's reach range and he was pulled into their little make-out pile and kissed thoroughly.
He whimpered in Kuroo's mouth. The crippling anxiety he felt every time he was with them came back to haunt him with every touch and every kiss. He squirmed in between them as a new hand touched a different part of his body and he felt stuck cycling between arousal and denial.
He was drowning in the pleasure and the terror of his three lovers surrounding him; and he reached out desperately for an escape...
And flipped the entire bowl of popcorn.
A still silence ensued and a white noise filled Akaashi's ears as everything paused around him. Pins and needles travelled through his bloodstream at terrifying speeds and he inhaled sharply, silently, and then he heard a snort.
Bokuto burst out laughing, a full fit of giggles which spurned Kuroo to spit out his funny little laugh which always made Tsukishima laugh. Akaashi looked at them laughing around him and he couldn't help the smile that came to his face as he clamped his trembling hands together.
"Tsukki, we told you it was a bad idea to leave the popcorn on the floor," Kuroo huffed as he wiped away a tear.
"Hey hey, Keiji was feeling so good, he couldn't help it," Bokuto grinned as he wrapped his arms around the raven.
Akaashi relished in the feeling of those arms and how calming they were as they eased away the anxiety but also brought it back in a different way.
"If you two would have made out on the couch like normal people and not dragged me into your shenanigans, this wouldn't have happened," Tsukishima replied snootily.
"Somehow, Kei," Akaashi piped in, "I get the feeling you weren't as opposed as you say you were."
Tsukishima glared and Bokuto guffawed, "even Keiji knows the truth of your lies, Tsukki."
"Come on, let's clean up the popcorn," Kuroo smiled as he righted the upturned bowl and started scooping popcorn back into the bowl.
"I'll get the vacuum!" Bokuto jumped up and ran out of the room.
"I'll go make more," Tsukishima sighed.
"I'm going to the bathroom," Akaashi stood up and headed toward the bathroom, hyperaware of the two pairs of curiously suspicious eyes following.
He closed the door and made to sure pull his pants down and sit on the toilet in case he was checked on. They made him promise not to lock any doors in the apartment and they always found a reason to need to come into the bathroom just to make sure he kept to it. It was irritating.
He just needed the time to himself and they never let him have it. He felt more like a child than a lover and although he understood why they felt like he couldn't be left alone, they should have more trust in him.
He covered his eyes as a little sob escaped his throat. He just wanted to be free of this.
He spent a few more minutes calming himself down on the toilet and then he went back out into the living room where everything had been cleaned up and his lovers were smiling at him from the couch.
"C'mon 'Kaashi! We're watching What Happens in Vegas!"
Akaashi put on a beautiful smile and swallowed the lump in his throat, "that movie is so good."
He cuddled in between Bokuto and Kuroo and relaxed as Bokuto wrapped his broad arm around him like a weighted blanket. He smiled as Bokuto laughed above him and Kuroo rubbed his leg soothingly.
He fell asleep, just like that, in the hazy comfort of the presence of his lovers.
"Goddammit Bokuto! You left another mark!" Tsukishima's voice echoed through the apartment.
"Sorry!" Bokuto called from another part of their tiny, echoey place.
Akaashi sighed as Kuroo shifted beside him, "those loud ass fuckers."
"It's relieving you're not a morning person either," Akaashi snuggled in closer to Kuroo and missed the warmth of another person on his back, "I like having a late riser cuddle buddy."
Kuroo blessed him with a sleepy chuckle and pulled him closer. Akaashi tangled their legs together and sighed happily. They laid there for a while after and Akaashi was almost back to sleep when Kuroo's voice cut through the quiet air.
"Keiji, are you happy with this?"
Akaashi's breath hitched and he forced himself to breathe again and let out a little laugh, "what do you mean, Tetsu? I love staying in the bed. Of course, I'm happy with this." He buried his face into Kuroo's chest because he knew that wasn't what his older lover meant.
Kuroo was silent for a while and Akaashi's anxiety went up about ten notches and then Kuroo sighed and pulled him impossibly closer, "you're right, I love staying in the bed too."
If Akaashi had been honest, it gave him a lot of anxiety waking up in the morning knowing he didn't have a job to go to, even though all his other lovers did. He couldn't tell them that he sat alone and cried when he was in the apartment by himself when they all worked at the same time. Today was one of those days.
A few more minutes ticked away on the clock before Tsukishima poked his head in. "Why the fuck are you still in bed? You have work in 30 minutes you know."
Kuroo poked an arm up from under the blankets, "it's fine, it's fine."
"Bitch, it takes 20 minutes to get there from here, get your ass up."
Kuroo groaned under the blankets and pushed them off earning a squeak from Akaashi.
"It's coooooold!" He squealed and tried to pull the blankets back.
"See, even Keiji wants me to stay here."
"Tetsu, Kei's gonna murder you if you don't get up," Akaashi laughed as he snuggled up in the blankets, "and you're such a Queen, it takes you forever to get ready for work."
Kuroo scoffed dramatically, "girl, I am not a Queen, I am an Empress."
"Same difference," Akaashi muttered.
"Kuroo-san!" Tsukishima growled from the doorway.
"Oh shit, Kuroo-san," Akaashi giggled, "he called you by your family name. You're about to face the fire."
Kuroo grumbled as he slid out the bed and trudged into the bathroom, evading a smack from an infuriated blonde on the way.
Akaashi giggled again from under the mound of blankets on the bed and he felt a dip beside him. He smiled as Tsukishima rubbed a hand through his hair and he turned to face Tsukishima.
"Don't enable him in the mornings," Tsukishima pouted.
"It's so much fun to tease you Kei," Akaashi smiled as he brushed his fingers across the blonde's lips.
"Are you—"
Tsukishima was interrupted by the sound of heavy footsteps approaching the bedroom at a high rate of speed. Bokuto raced into the bedroom and hurdled onto the bed and clobbered Akaashi. He gave the raven a long smooch and a quick peck to the blonde before he sprinted into the bathroom and was in there far too long for it to be just a kiss goodbye.
Just as Tsukishima opened his mouth the chastise them both, Bokuto ran out the bathroom screaming about how late he was and that he would see them all later.
Kuroo left the bathroom a few seconds later, hair more disheveled than normal and the two of them laughed from the bed.
"The two of you were in there for a while, is that a limp I see?
"Shut your mouths," Kuroo blushed as he strutted around getting ready for work, "it's not like any of you make my knees weak."
Tsukishima smirked lecherously, "I'll make you eat your words."
Akaashi giggled from under the pile of blankets and Tsukishima gave him a little tickle.
Kuroo rolled his eyes and went to kiss them both goodbye, even though Tsukishima played a little and avoided Kuroo's lips before the bedhead just grabbed him and took his kiss before rushing out the door complaining about annoying blondes.
Tsukishima turned back to Akaashi and patted his head again, "Kou should be home around two from practice and Tetsu and I will be back around five."
"I need to go the store. Thoughts about dinner?"
"Kou said he was really craving hamburger, it will help him recover from practice today."
Akaashi gave a little moan, "hamburg steak sounds really good. I can make it."
"He's been trying to help in the kitchen lately so I'm sure he would love to help you make it."
"Oh god, let me set up my life insurance. At least if I die, I'll die usefully."
"You're always useful, Keiji." Akaashi felt like Tsukishima said it to send him a message but he didn't want to think too much about it as he buried his nose into the blankets again. "And if Kou kills you both in the kitchen, Tetsu and I will use the life insurance to go on a cruise and spread your ashes in the sea. So make sure you set it up."
"Oh my god Kei," Akaashi giggled.
Tsukishima kissed him goodbye and Akaashi was alone again. He didn't feel like going back to sleep even though his depression demanded it. He stayed in bed for a while longer. It was quiet. He listened to the clock tick in the living room, incessant and annoying, like quiet screams in the unbearable silence. He hated the sound.
Finally, he dragged himself out of bed and into the kitchen for tea. He listened to the odd sounds of the apartment and decided he really hated it there. He trudged back into the bedroom and pulled some clothes on so he could go to the store to get stuff for hamburg steak.
The store was quieter than he wanted. Most people were at work at this time and it just made him feel miserable all over again. He grabbed only necessary things and paid for them silently with cash he'd been given, compiled by his three working lovers.
"How are you today sir?" He'd been asked by the lovely cashier and he gave the girl a miserable, baggy-eyed smile. He wished he could be that cheerful.
Truthfully, he wished he could spill to her just how miserable he was, how much he wanted to be dead some days, how, although he promised his lovers he wouldn't anymore, he desperately wanted to cut again. How he just wanted to cut so deep and bleed so much, he'd just close his eyes.
Forever.
But he wasn't an ass, so he replied, "I'm alright, how are you?"
The girl kept her smile as she made idle chatter and scanned his items but he wasn't really listening. He paid for his groceries and she waved him goodbye, still cheerful as ever. "Have a great day!"
He couldn't respond.
He dumped the groceries on the counter in the kitchen when he returned home and laid face down on the couch.
He felt a longing in his body and he tried to talk himself out of finding something to slice himself open with. The couch was comfortable. He was too lazy. He knew where his lovers kept the plastic razors but it would take too much time and effort to cut them open for an individual blade and cutting himself with a multi-blade was messier and more painful than a single blade. He laid there for a long time persuading himself that he was fine when he thought about the knives in the kitchen. He sat up a little and stared at the kitchen entrance. Could he? No. He knew his lovers checked him for anymore cuts whenever they showered together or had sex, and it only added to the unbearable suffocation he felt when he was around them.
Akaashi pulled himself up from the couch and slowly walked into the kitchen. He needed to put the groceries away. He repeated that fact to himself but walked past them to the knife holder. Maybe his lovers were right to not trust him. He pulled out the large chef's knife and stared at his reflection in it. It was just a large razor, he could do it quickly and he would feel absolute relief afterward. He stared at the sharp edge and he had a flashback to his past self in high school. The him that would do anything to cut. The him before his lovers were there to call him back from the dark edges he was about to fall off of and his breath came a little quicker. He pressed the knife to his wrist and then froze. His whole body trembled as he stared at the knife, unable to move, unable to breathe, and he thought about his lovers. Bokuto, who smiled at him genuinely and cracked jokes just to make him laugh just because he loved it. Kuroo, who held him tightly and made him feel even and secure whenever he wasn't. And Tsukishima, who supported him through everything even when he felt like he didn't deserve it. He thought about their faces of sadness and regret when they found him cutting again, and he thought about how they told him how much they loved him afterward.
He covered his mouth as a sob escaped and his vision blurred with tears. He dropped the knife and fell to his knees. He wrapped his arms around himself as he struggled to breathe and cried, wishing that he had the courage to make it end. He stayed there for a long time, still debating as he stared at the knife on the floor in front of him but he thought about his lover's smiling faces and closed his eyes tightly. He was fine. He took a deep breath, picked himself up off the floor, and put the knife away. Today, he was safe.
He looked at the clock on the stove, it was already past two, and Bokuto would be home soon. He rubbed his face and took another deep breath, he needed to put the groceries away.
Somehow, he managed to get all the groceries put away and get his face cleaned up before Bokuto came barrelling through the door.
"'Kaashi, I'm home!"
Akaashi gave him a gentle smile and greeted him with a sweet kiss. "Welcome home, Kou."
Bokuto gave him a bright grin, so bright it wiped all of Akaashi's negative feelings away. "I missed you all day, I just couldn't stop thinking about you and how excited I was to come home to your beautiful face." Bokuto gabbed on and on as he took off his jacket and he would never know how happy that made Akaashi. "What did you do today, 'Kaashi?"
"I went to the store. I bought stuff to make hamburg steak."
Bokuto's eyes lit up and he excitedly asked, "really?!"
"Mmhmm, I was wondering if you wanted to help me make it for dinner tonight?"
"I would, I would!" Bokuto replied and scooped him up in a hug, "you're the greatest!"
And Akaashi was okay for now.
The days passed for Akaashi as they always did. Hour after hour. Minute after minute. Second after excruciating second. None of the jobs he had applied for called him back and it only made him feel even more worthless and managed to further his depression.
He tried to stay positive in the faces of his lovers, keeping up his smiles and faking the energy. Keeping the apartment clean and making dinner every day. So far, the routine was working but he was exhausted. He just wanted to sleep all the time. He just wanted to sleep forever. But each day he dragged his tired body up and repeated the cycle.
Smile.
Fake.
Laugh.
Fake.
Sleep.
Wake up.
Tired.
And it wore him down until he broke.
"Keiji?"
"Hmm?" Akaashi blinked himself out of the daze he'd fallen into and stared empty-eyed at Kuroo who had called his name.
"You've barely touched your food, are you okay?"
Akaashi stared down at his donburi for a long time before he smiled at his lovers who stared back at him with worry. His eyes were tired and heavy and he wanted to keep them closed with every blink. "I'm okay, I was daydreaming a little. Sorry! Seriously inappropriate for the dinner table." He forced out a little laugh but their worried looks didn't go away and he hated it.
"Are you tired?" Bokuto asked, his sharp eyebrows furrowed and Akaashi usually thought it was very attractive but at that moment he thought it wasn't a good look for him.
"A little," Akaashi laughed lightly, "I don't know why, it's not like I'm home all the time."
The silence that ensued was awkward and Akaashi's anxiety peaked again. He waved his hand, almost to clear the dark cloud that suddenly surrounded him, "don't worry, I can go to bed a little early tonight. Excuse me." He stood up and took his bowl to be wrapped up and added to the last three days of dinner he hadn't finished. His hands trembled and his legs shook as he wrapped his food because he could feel their eyes on him. Their curious, accusing eyes. He didn't need them to worry about him. He didn't need the stress it brought. He kept to his promise, that's all they should worry about. But somewhere he thought that it wasn't enough. Selfishly, he thought, he wanted more.
The kitchen stayed silent and Akaashi remained at the counter for a long time. He sighed and forced his wobbly legs to move. "I'm going to go—", but Kuroo grabbed his hand as he passed the table before he could get away.
"Keiji—" Kuroo started but Akaashi yanked his hand away in his panic and they all stared in shock for only a second before Akaashi's mind started up again and he fled the kitchen.
Akaashi's whole body was in a state of shutdown as he froze in the living room. His head pounded with every fast beat of his heart. What had he done? His vision swam as he looked around the living room for something. An escape route, something. But his brain wasn't working, it was becoming harder to breathe and he didn't know how to proceed with life from that moment on. The world was exploding, a chain reaction of detonations that shook and destroyed everything without fail. Everything was loud and quiet at the same time and Akaashi couldn't process it.
"Keiji!" That was it. The ringing in his ears was loud as his body turned automatically to face his lovers. The three of them stood in the threshold of the kitchen. They were saying things but he couldn't hear any of it. He felt so detached from his body, his vision was still dark at the edges, and he still struggled to breathe. But it was him, and it was them, and that's how he'd been feeling for a long time. Him versus them. Him versus the world. Him versus himself. And he couldn't win any of those battles. He was too weak.
He tried to focus on their faces. Kuroo's eyebrows furrowed as he spoke but Akaashi still couldn't make out his words. Tsukishima's face was blank as he stared ahead, straight at him, straight through him. Bokuto's face was scrunched up as if he was trying not to cry, and Akaashi couldn't blame him, he was in the same boat.
Tsukishima's mouth started moving then but the ringing in his ears was still too loud. He could tell that Tsukishima said his name but he still couldn't respond, he still couldn't move.
The voice that broke through his haze was Bokuto's. Bokuto's voice was higher than normal and more emotional, and it broke right through Akaashi's walls.
"'Kaashi, just tell us what's wrong! We just want to help you!"
And then his voice came back. His hearing came back. Everything came back and hit him like a train.
"You can't!" Akaashi winced as his voice cracked violently in his struggle to keep his tears at bay. "I live here every day, pretending like everything is okay, but nothing is okay! I'm not okay, none of you are okay but we just dance around like it's a game. You all have jobs, you all have places to go, you all have each other, and I am just here and it's not okay!" His breath came faster and his heart didn't slow down but his words didn't stop. He laid out his true feelings, his heart, and it flowed freely like a broken dam. "I feel like an outsider, breathing your air, eating your food, taking up your space, being useless, all the time. There is no peace here, none. I don't speak, I don't live, I don't exist, and I hurt every day, and I feel like I am trapped in a box with no escape. You guys pretend that you care, that you give two shits, but I know that you don't trust me, that you check me for scars every day, that you look at me differently, and I try to ignore it but it's suffocating! I don't feel like a person anymore! I don't—" he gasped and Bokuto came forward to grab him, steady him, and Akaashi shouted—
"You make me want to cut again!"
And Bokuto released him like he'd been burned.
And Akaashi's hand came up to cover his mouth.
And they all stared at him in horror.
Akaashi's eyes immediately filled with tears and the weight of his existence seemed to crash back down on him at that very moment. The high cloud he was on that separated his mind from body disintegrated and he was left completely out in the open, drowning.
So he ran.
He threw the front door open and darted out quickly, ignoring his shoes and jacket, only adrenaline fueling him at that point. He dropped down the stairs, missing some but luckily keeping his balance, and he ran out to the road. The night was chilly still but he didn't feel it, he couldn't feel anything except the rapid beat of his heart as he tried to find a place to hide. A place to die.
He vaguely heard his name being shouted but he kept running. He would keep running because he hurt them, his beautiful lovers who had done nothing but love and support him all this time. His beautiful lovers. He hurt them. And he hurt himself. The tears blurred his vision as he ran and his lungs burned, he wasn't as fit as in his high school years, but that was fine, he couldn't stop.
He made it to an overpass before his feet decided to bum out and he tumbled on the sidewalk. He scraped his ankle, the side of his calf, and half of his forearm and laughed because it hurt. It really hurt. Cutting gave him pleasure but these superficial wounds hurt more and he thought it was hilarious. He laughed and laughed until he thought it wouldn't hurt anymore, and then he cried.
"Akaashi!" He looked up and saw Bokuto running toward him at full speed.
"Boku—" he didn't get to finish as Bokuto practically slid on his knees and scooped him up faster than he was ready for and squeezed him so tightly, and Akaashi's emotional floodgates opened.
"I—I didn't mean it!" He cried between gasping breaths, "I'm sor—"
"I am so glad you're okay," Bokuto whispered, his voice shaky and wet, "I am so glad you're okay. You're okay."
Akaashi could feel how badly Bokuto shook, even with his arms wrapped so tightly around Akaashi's tiny frame. He could feel Bokuto's rapidly beating heart, beating faster than his. And then he felt the tears, and he wrapped his arms around Bokuto's neck as Bokuto's silent tears slid down his. They stayed there for a moment and then Bokuto lifted him and started to walk.
"Kou, p-put me—"
"No, please, just let me—" Bokuto took a deep, shuddering breath, "just let me do this, please."
Akaashi went silent and nodded as Bokuto carried him home.
Tsukishima waited at the door as Bokuto walked up the stairs with him. They had stopped to text the others that he'd been found and Bokuto told him quietly that Tsukishima stayed behind in case he came back, Bokuto went left, and Kuroo went right. Everything was quiet, calm. Bokuto set him on his feet. They all stood frozen and Akaashi jumped when he felt Bokuto's strong, reassuring hand on his back. He moved forward until he stood right in front of his tall, blonde lover.
He stared at the floor guiltily and silently cursed as tears filled his eyes again, "I-I'm sorry, I—"
Tsukishima just pulled him into his arms and held him tightly. Akaashi hiccupped and Bokuto came to embrace them both from behind. Moments later, Akaashi heard footsteps and heavy breathing and Kuroo joined them from the side. Akaashi took in a shuddered breath and as his heart rate slowed, so did his mind and the exhaustion he'd been keeping at bay finally caught up with him.
"I-I don't feel—" Akaashi was barely able to suck in a breath before his eyes rolled back and he embraced the cool darkness that engulfed him.
The first thing Akaashi heard as consciousness decided to return to him was ticking. The incessant ticking from the clock that he utterly hated. His face scrunched up as woke and he groaned as his head pounded with every beat of his heart. His eyes were heavy and blurry as he tried to open them and he gave up on trying that after only a second. He groaned again as he tried to free his arms and realized he was wrapped up tightly in some blankets, and then he heard a thump. Hands touched his face, gently, and his brain worked hard to make his throat form the name of the person he knew those hands belonged to but his throat stuck and he couldn't make any sound come out. He felt more tears slide down his face as he blinked a few times and he felt the bed dip in another area.
"Keiji," it was merely a whisper but it was still too loud for his miserable headache and he winced. He was released from the confines of the blankets and inclined ever so slightly to allow a glass to be pressed to his lips. He accepted the cool water thankfully and rubbed his eyes vigorously. Kuroo as he knew was the one who sat right next to him, and Tsukishima sat on the edge on the other side of the bed, and he couldn't see Bokuto in the room at all.
Kuroo pressed some painkillers into his hands and he downed them with the rest of the water. He rubbed his temples, trying to help his horrible headache, and then gentle hands moved his out of the way and he moaned as he felt Tsukishima's slender fingers take over.
He felt the blonde slide in behind him, and Kuroo laid his head in his lap. He realized there was a whole body missing and he forced his eyes open to look around and that was when he saw Bokuto peeking into the room from the doorway. He reached his arms out and Bokuto rushed and flopped onto the bed and rolled into their pile. Akaashi was able to laugh a little at that he rubbed his fingers through his two older lover's hair while Tsukishima massaged his throbbing head. It didn't take long for him to fall back to sleep, surrounded by his lovers.
When he woke up again, he was sandwiched in between Bokuto and Tsukishima, and he lifted his head a bit and could see Kuroo's wild tufts of hair on the other side of Bokuto. He managed to slide himself out of the bed without waking any of them up and he grabbed a shirt he stepped on along the way and trotted into the kitchen. It was dark outside still and he glanced at the digital clock on the microwave and it showed 3:12. He got a drink of water and sat in the darkness for a while. He played with the bandages that were wrapped around his ankle and calf before he heard heavy footsteps approach the kitchen.
Bokuto popped his head in and Akaashi smiled, "hi."
"Hi," the wing spiker stepped into the kitchen and pulled out the chair right next to him to sit.
"Did I wake you?" Akaashi asked gently.
"I just felt that you weren't there and that woke me up," Bokuto said quietly and Akaashi hummed.
They both went silent and Bokuto held his arms open and Akaashi quietly got up and straddled his lap and laid his head on Bokuto's bare chest. Bokuto wrapped his arms around him and started to kiss his forehead. It flipped some kind of switch in Akaashi and he lifted his head to meet Bokuto's lips.
Akaashi moaned quietly as Bokuto pried his mouth open with his lips and Akaashi fell deeper into his lover's warm embrace. He gasped as Bokuto leaned him back and took control of his mouth. He whimpered as his naked bottom caused friction against Bokuto's pajama pants and he muffled his moans as Bokuto moved from his mouth to his neck. He leaned his head back to allow his lover more access.
"Kou," he shivered as Bokuto sucked a hickey on his neck, "please."
He reached to unbutton the front button on Bokuto's soft pants and freed his dick from the confines of his pants through the hole in the front.
"I knew that hole was good for something!" Bokuto exclaimed and Akaashi giggled.
He spit into his palms, took them both between his hands, and rubbed them slowly and Bokuto took the opportunity to run his hands up the shirt Akaashi was wearing.
"Is this my shirt?" the wing spiker questioned and Akaashi shrugged.
"Probably. I grabbed it from the floor so it seems right."
"Hot," Bokuto grinned and a violent shiver went through Akaashi's body. He rubbed their dicks together, setting a good pace that had Bokuto giving little gasps and then he slid off of Bokuto's lap and took him in his mouth.
"Fuuuuck," Bokuto groaned and let his head fall back and it sent another ripple of pleasure through Akaashi's body. Akaashi took him in deeper and Bokuto gripped the chair. Akaashi stroked himself slowly as he swallowed around Bokuto.
"K-'Kaashi, I'm—" Bokuto gripped his hair as he came and Akaashi swallowed him deep as he came, drinking every drop and Bokuto's body trembled as his little lover sucked him through his orgasm. Akaashi sat back and licked his lips like a kitten satisfied with his meal. Akaashi smiled up at Bokuto who grinned back, "you're so good at that."
The silence over took them again as they caught their breath and it felt a little awkward to Akaashi and he took in a breath, "Kou, I—"
"Do we really make you want to cut again?" Bokuto asked outright and Akaashi felt like he was put on the spot again, "do I, really—"
"Kou, no." Akaashi got back on his knees in front of Bokuto and gripped his hands in his own, "no."
For as much as he could see in the dim light, Bokuto's face was scrunched up in sadness, his golden eyes filled with emotion and turmoil, "no, I'm sorry. To you, and to Kei and Tetsu too. I said too many things then. When I get stressed, those demons... they start calling out to me again. I felt like a stranger here. I have been fighting my own internal battle and I was too scared to involve any of you in it and when it got to be too much for me to handle alone, it blew up." Akaashi pressed his hands into his face and shook his head, "I did mean some of the things I said, I do feel suffocated here, like I'm a child who always needs to be watched, I don't. I promised you all that I wouldn't cut again and I haven't, even though I've wanted to so, so badly, I haven't because I made a promise to you and to Kei and Tetsu, but to me, it feels like you don't trust me. I don't need to be checked on every moment of every day, sometimes I want to cook or wash the dishes alone and not be fed some excuse as to why I have to have company, I want to be able to use the bathroom and not have someone knock on the door after three minutes asking if I'm okay. I want to be able to invite someone to join me rather than feel like I'm being watched."
Bokuto was silent for a moment and then he closed his eyes, "you're right, 'Kaashi, we should trust you more. But I think you're wrong. We stay around you because we love you and we want to, not because we're watching you. I trust you when you say you won't cut anymore. If you say you won't, then I know you'll keep your word, you've never broken a promise to me. Sometimes, I just like to watch you cook because it's sexy, or sometimes I just want to be near you because I just want to. I don't ever want to hurt you or make you feel like, uncomfortable, so if you think I'm doing it because I don't trust you, it's not true."
Akaashi gasped and swallowed a sob. He didn't even think of the fact that maybe they wanted to be around him because they wanted to, "I'm such an idiot."
Bokuto pulled him up into his arms and squished Akaashi's face between his hands, "you're not an idiot. I just think you don't know how to accept the level of love you're receiving yet."
And somehow, that opened Akaashi's eyes. Wide.
He, who'd been living alone in his apartment and only having them visit him or him visit them, simply didn't realize that's what he had. He had people who wanted to be around him, who enjoyed his company, who loved him so dearly, and all they wanted so desperately was to show him just that, and he had been so blind to it.
He choked back a cry and covered his face, "oh my god, how could I be so stupid?"
"You're not stupid."
Bokuto and Akaashi both jumped at the new voice and they looked toward the kitchen entrance where Tsukishima stood with Kuroo hanging from his shoulder.
"Woah, Tsukki, you scared us," Bokuto grinned and the blonde rolled his eyes and turned on the light.
Both Bokuto and Kuroo screamed dramatically saying that their eyes were being burnt out of their heads and Tsukishima snapped at them both, "can you not? I'm too tired for your shit."
Tsukishima pulled Akaashi from Bokuto's lap and Kuroo quickly came to take his place so they could be dramatic together at a closer range.
"How long have you been standing there?"
"You know, I've heard that question come from you before in a similar situation to this," Tsukishima chuckled as he put the kettle on, "but to answer it in a roundabout way, you're very good at sneaking out of the bed unnoticed, Kou is not."
"I got punched in the dick," Kuroo piped up.
"And I was unfortunately kicked awake as well, so basically since the beginning." Tsukishima pushed his glasses up.
"Sowwy," Bokuto pouted and his apology was rewarded with a kiss from Kuroo.
"We watched you get wrecked by Keiji, it was so—" Kuroo started as he poked Bokuto's cheek.
"You're not dumb," Tsukishima repeated and it brought Akaashi's attention was brought back to him. "And I think Kou is right," the blonde shivered after the words came from his mouth, "I think you've been going this whole time not exactly knowing how to truly accept us into your life as we have with you. I will admit, we've been worried about you but we haven't been spying on you or obsessively checking you for more cuts like you think we have."
"We love you more than you think," Kuroo piped in from the back.
Tsukishima approached him again and rubbed his thumb across his moist and swollen lips, "for example, I love that face you make when you've got Bokuto's giant cock all the way in the back of your throat, and when you know he's feeling good and about to come you take him in deeper so that he's a trembling mess under your fingers. Yeah, we were watching." Tsukishima pulled him closer and Akaashi gasped as they were so close, their lips were nearly touching, "you love us in your own way, and our miscommunication was that we still tried to love you in the same way as before and it wasn't being portrayed to you the way we thought. We are so sorry for that."
Akaashi closed his eyes as his tears burned, "p-please don't apologize. The things I said were horrible, I-"
Kuroo came up from behind and wrapped his arms around him, "I love the way you kiss us when we get home, so full of love, and I love it especially when you give your special massages, the ones with the special endings," Akaashi could practically see Kuroo wiggle his eyebrows and he giggled.
Bokuto came and wrapped his arms around them all, "I just love all of you and want to be around all of you all the time."
And Akaashi laughed. He laughed and laughed and laughed even after his stomach hurt. He laughed even after the laughter turned into tears and he cried in between his laughs but his lovers hugged him and laughed with him.
And then he cried because they loved him so much and he loved them so much too. He wrapped his arms around the person nearest to him, which was Kuroo, who then picked him up and Tsukishima pushed them all to go back to bed.
"Oooh, Keiji's bottom naked," Kuroo grinned and squeezed his exposed butt cheeks. Akaashi laughed again and smacked him.
"You know, I had a good idea hit me," Tsukishima hummed and they all seemed to silently communicate with each other.
"Okay," Kuroo carried Akaashi to the bed and dropped him unceremoniously.
"Hey!" Akaashi fussed and Tsukishima grinned as Kuroo pulled him toward the edge. The blonde crawled on the bed and pulled the raven's shirt off leaving him completely exposed. Tsukishima leaned down and took his mouth just as Kuroo took him down his throat. Akaashi's moans and gasps were swallowed up by Tsukishima who drank them up greedily. Just before Akaashi was about to come, Kuroo popped off his dick and Tsukishima pulled him up.
Dazed, he blinked and was suddenly shifted onto his knees, and Kuroo and Tsukishima grinned at him from the front. "I think that since Bokuto is the hero of this story, Bokuto should fuck him first."
Bokuto pressed his lips against Akaashi's back and the raven shivered, a gasp leaving his lips. He relaxed as he felt Bokuto's giant cock pressed right up against him and a small moan of anticipation left him. Tsukishima crawled forward and kissed him again, gently, as Bokuto pushed in slowly and torturously, feeding him inch by slow inch. Akaashi's legs were trembling only halfway in and then Tsukishima, out of the blue, shoved him fully onto Bokuto forcing a beautiful moan from them both.
"Keiiiii," he whined as Bokuto pulled out to the tip and Tsukishima pushed him back again, and another beautiful cry spilled from his rosy lips. Tsukishima finally released his shoulders and Akaashi watched with hazy eyes as the blonde got onto his back and shimmied between his arms and he wondered for a split second what he was up to, only for a second and then he felt Tsukishima's soft lips and then his extremely warm throat swallow around him. His knees shook and just when he thought he couldn't take anymore, Bokuto started thrusting again. He pulled out and pushed in deep, sending him forward and further down Tsukishima's throat.
"W-wait, I can't—" Akaashi gasped when his hair was grabbed and his eyes met with Kuroo's rock-hard cock pressed against his face. He looked up and Kuroo's fully blown hazel irises stared back at him.
"Suck it." Kuroo commanded and Akaashi cried out as his orgasm hit him. Hard. He couldn't take it.
Tsukishima crawled from under him, licking his lips with satisfaction. Akaashi's arms nearly gave out and Bokuto pulled him up and whispered, his voice thick with arousal, "not yet, we're not done yet."
Bokuto stroked him just the way he liked, while Tsukishima situated himself on his back. "Wait, wh-what are you—"
Kuroo shushed Akaashi as Bokuto guided him to Tsukishima's pink, puckered hole, the blonde's mile-long legs spread wide, ready and waiting for him, pale, creamy thighs fully exposed, his erection laying pretty and pink on his hip. Akaashi swallowed thickly as he watched his dick disappear slowly inside of Tsukishima and the blonde tipped his head back and a lovely gasp left his lips.
"Oh my god," he heard Bokuto and Kuroo breathe behind him. Akaashi sucked in a breath, trying to calm his body as Tsukishima squeezed him from the front and Bokuto twitched inside of him from the back. He thought it couldn't get any more intense than this when Kuroo came back and didn't ask for permission this time before he shoved his leaking cock down his throat.
All of the turmoil and fears he'd been having felt small and insignificant compared to the overwhelming pleasure he was receiving at that very moment. Bokuto was relentlessly fucking his ass, which propelled him forward deep into Tsukishima, who pushed back on him, and Kuroo who throatfucked him and sent him right back into Bokuto. They found a steady pace together and Akaashi tried to formulate some kind of words but they were immediately quashed by Kuroo's cock in the back of his throat.
"I love you, Keiji." The words came from Tsukishima and it sent a wave of pleasure through him. The blonde gasped out his next words, "look at you, fucking the life out of me, you're so good, I see you."
Akaashi whimpered around Kuroo, and then the raven began speaking, his voice deep and silky and Akaashi knew he wouldn't last much longer, none of them did when Kuroo started talking, "look at how deep you're taking me, Keiji, it's amazing, oh my god." Bokuto groaned as Akaashi squeezed around him, his thrusts erratic and Akaashi knew he wouldn't last too much longer either, "I love you Keiji."
Tears prickled Akaashi's eyes and Bokuto, his solid foundation, his first love, his amazing protector, leaned forward and whispered into his ear, "We love you 'Kaashi. We love you with all of our hearts. And nothing will ever change that."
And with one last, powerful thrust, Bokuto released with a low moan and Akaashi sobbed as he came, violently, and he filled Tsukishima and pulled him along on his orgasmic ride, and the blonde released on his stomach. Kuroo moaned deeply as he came down Akaashi's throat, the raven swallowing every drop around his cries.
Akaashi was exhausted as Kuroo pulled out, his jaw sore and tired, his throat raw. Bokuto pulled out too, leaving a dripping trail of semen in his wake, and Akaashi slid out of Tsukishima, the blonde sprawled on the bed, too tired to move.
Kuroo took over clean-up duty and went off to get a warm cloth. Bokuto laid Akaashi next to Tsukishima and sauntered off to the kitchen for water. Akaashi mustered up the energy to turn over and cuddle with his blonde lover and Tsukishima wrapped his arms around Akaashi in return.
They laid in bed for a little while until they were forced to sit up when Kuroo came to wipe them down with a cloth and Tsukishima almost bit the older raven for playing too much. Akaashi giggled as he crawled under the blankets. Bokuto came back with four glasses of water and hopped in the bed too. Akaashi laughed as Bokuto squeezed him and tangled their legs together.
"Move over, I want some of this too," Tsukishima said as he escaped Kuroo's banter, and the former captain went to put the cloth away. The blonde crawled into the bed on the other side of Akaashi and cuddled up behind him, putting him in a warm, cuddle sandwich. He sighed happily
"Out of the way peasants," Kuroo hopped in and shimmied between Akaashi and Tsukishima, which raised some complaints from the blonde until Kuroo rolled over and squeezed the blonde tightly and tickled him.
Akaashi loved it. He laughed with his lovers as they fooled around in the bed and it felt real to him this time, genuine. He squealed as he was the next one to be tickled and he laughed joyously, happily, contentedly. Because he was surrounded by people who loved him. And he loved them.
Bokuto and Tsukishima reached to turn off the lamps, the exhaustion catching up to them all. And in the dark and quiet of the early morning, their libidos sated for now, their hearts full of love and happiness, and their demons silent; they laid together peacefully, in the warmth of each other's arms.
"I love you, all of you," Akaashi whispered.
And three I love yous echoed back to him.
It was quiet again. The clock still ticked in the living room, but it didn't sound so bad this time.
Man, I am really in love with the idea of making this a multi-chapter fic. I hope you guys enjoyed! Let me know what you think!