Disclaimer: Hawaii Five-0 and its characters do not belong to me.

...

Sunlight filtered through the blinds and illuminated his room. He strained his ears to listen to the soft, less than pleasant humming coming from his kitchen. It took him a few seconds to recognise Tani's voice. He rubbed his eyes and grunted as he sat up. He had actually been up for hours. The paralyzing ache in his chest had woken him up at 3 in the morning and kept him awake as it refused to subside.

He slowly stood up, his head buzzing dizzily while the ground swayed beneath his feet for a good 10 seconds. He inhaled deeply, reaching for the wall to stabilize himself as he made his way to the bathroom. He would feel better after a shower, he told himself.

He took a quick shower, not quite able to find the strength to stand for too long, and got dressed in a black shirt and grey shorts. He combed his hair back, hoping he didn't look half as miserable as he felt, before he went out of his room.

"Good morning, Danny!" Tani beamed at Danny as he walked into the kitchen.

"You are a ray of sunshine this morning." Danny commented groggily, feeling the very opposite of sunshiney himself. "What are you doing here anyway?"

"What am I doing here?" Tani frowned. "Question is.. why aren't you ready?" The spatula she was holding swinging in the air with every word.

"Ready for what?" Danny asked, hoisting himself on the seat in front of the kitchen island, resisting every urge to massage his temple to ease the soreness that had settled there.

"Danny.." Tani's whine intensified the throb in his head. "What day is it today?"

He thought for a while. Funny he couldn't tell what day it was. It didn't really matter. Each day just bled into another. There wasn't much point to keeping track anymore. His vision blurred as he lost his focus for a second.

"Danny? You okay?" Tani asked, brows furrowed.

He swallowed, nodding quickly. "It's uh.." he paused. "Monday?" He tried, not much convinced with his own answer.

"It's Tuesday." Tani said. "And that means you have PT this morning." She continued, setting a plate of scrambled eggs in front of him.

"Right.." Danny deflated. He really didn't want PT, especially not when he had barely 3 hours of proper sleep the night before.

"Eat up, then I'm taking you there." Tani said as she hovered over him, gesturing with her hands.

"Umm that's usually Junior's job. Where is he?" Danny asked. Truth be told, he could go on his own. He really didn't want to trouble Junior. But Junior had insisted on keeping him company for his mandatory 2 hours of torture twice every week. If he could harbour an intelligent guess, it was only because Junior (and for that matter everyone else on the team) didn't trust that he would actually go on his own.

He wouldn't say they were entirely off the mark. He was actually guilty of lying to them about his last appointment with Doctor Lea. Because the team had been caught up with a case, there hadn't been anyone to police him and honestly, that had been all the motivation he needed to reschedule the appointment. He was on the third reschedule now, he just hoped no one found out anytime soon. Or ever..

"Lucky for you, I am taking over his duties for today." Tani broke through his thoughts.

"I wouldn't count that as lucky.." Danny mumbled, absently scraping through his plate, still not having much of an appetite. He stopped abruptly, realisation kicking in a little delayed. He looked up at Tani. "Why are you taking over? Is Junior alright?" Danny asked, his eyes widened, the blue of his pupils gaining a tint of grey with worry.

Tani was more than slightly amused. "Calm down. He's alright. It's just.. I wanted to take you today." Tani said. When Danny seemed unimpressed with the answer, she sighed dramatically and continued. "You and Junior have been spending way too much time together, people are gonna think you guys are a couple or something.. so I need to create some distance between the two of you."

"Hah.. that's funny. You're jealous? I'm not into guys, especially if they're Navy SEALs." Danny deadpanned. "Seriously? He's okay, right? Not hurt?" He asked again.

"No, Danny. He's completely fine. Like I said, I wanted to take you today.. Come on, do you hate me that much?" Tani asked.

Danny didn't hate Tani, of course. It's just that Junior was a lot easier to handle than Tani. If Junior was the clear sky on a sunny day, Tani was the very epitome of a turbulent cloud in the middle of a hurricane. If Junior was the calm, rhythmic waves on a low tide, Tani was the raging waves during a storm. And he loved that about her, because she was a lot like him when he was younger.. Loud, intense and passionate. But there was one more way that they were alike, which was the problem. She didn't really know when to stop talking and she knew just how to dig information out of anyone. That meant he was in danger of saying more than he should. He was afraid, his carefully maintained facade would shatter.

Tani watched Danny closely as his eyes seemed to glaze over again. Second time in the span of 5 minutes. Not good, she thought. "Hello?! Earth to Danny.." Tani's voice was light, hiding her true concern for her boss and friend.

"Hmm?" Danny hummed.

"Come on, hurry up and eat, we need to leave soon."

Danny didn't make any move.

"Danny?"

"Uhh.. I.. I'm not going today." Danny said.

"Are you unwell?" She asked, her eyes scrutinizing his face the same way she would a suspect, while she reached to touch his forehead.

He jerked away from her touch. "No. Not that.. just don't feel like it." He confessed. He contemplated saying that he wasn't well because he wasn't feeling the best and it would definitely give him the pass but he knew the mother-henning would just escalate exponentially.

"Umm, Danny? I don't think you have a choice here." She said. "It's mandatory PT.."

Danny sighed, rolling his eyes. "Yes I do. And I don't feel like going today." Danny repeated.

"Danny, come on. You have to go. How are you going to recover if you don't follow the doctor's orders?" Tani said. "You've been discharged from hospital for more than a month now but you can barely move your arm without wincing. And, yes I noticed, so don't try to make any excuse."

He looked at Tani as she spouted the harsh truth. She was right, his recovery had been slow and anything but smooth. He could barely move his arm without intense agony shooting through his chest. Even breathing was still painful, he had just become incredibly skilled at hiding that fact. But what he couldn't hide was that he was still reliant on the cane to move about. So yeah, she was right, he wasn't recovering as he should.

He swallowed as a thought hit him not for the first time... A small, crazy part of him didn't actually want to recover.

He would never admit it to anyone. But there was a part of him that hoped something went really wrong with his recovery. Maybe if his condition deteriorated enough, maybe if the doctors found something seriously wrong with him.. Maybe then, Steve would come home sooner rather than later. Because he really missed his best friend...

He knew it was an incredibly stupid thought. He was ashamed that he even thought that way. And he knew it was self-centred of him to want Steve to come home. To come home to him and because of him. But even if he could lie to the whole world, he couldn't lie to himself. Even if he understood why his partner left, there was nothing he wanted more than for Steve to be by his side.

"Tani, I really don't feel like going. Please don't make me." Danny said, almost begging.

Tani looked seriously at Danny's face, exhaling loudly. Obviously, she wasn't there because she was jealous about Junior and Danny spending too much time together. Hell no. She was there because she knew Danny needed help. And as much as she loved Junior, she knew how clueless he was when it came to making an emotional connection. And she knew that even if Danny denied it, he needed someone to talk to because he wasn't coping well. Not at all.

Everyone who knew Danny knew he couldn't go several minutes without talking or making an unnecessary comment about everything and anything. But eversince Steve left, it's like a switch had been flipped inside him. He was awfully quiet unless someone started a conversation with him. And even then, the conversations seemed foreign. Gone was the Danny who seemed so comfortable with himself and unafraid to speak his mind. It was like the Daniel Williams sitting in front of her was trying so hard to blend into the walls and disappear from existence. But today, Tani was determined to break down the artificial prison he had confined himself into.

"Okay." Tani said. "If you don't want to go today, I won't force you. But.. let's talk."

Defiantly, he remained silent. He pushed the plate aside, reaching for his cane. He needed to run away before it was too late. Except it already was. Tani gently but firmly planted her hand on his shoulder, practically forcing him down on the seat.

"Danny.. I know with everything that's happened, there's a lot for you to process and.."

"Did Lou say something?"

"No.." Her eyebrows shot up. "Is there something to say?"

"Nothing.. Look, I don't want to do this." Danny said.

"I know you don't. And I don't want to meddle, Danny."

"Then don't! Just leave it."

"I can't!" Tani said. "Danny.. you're my friend.. And I'm worried about you. It's been more than a month now since Steve left and..."

"And what?" Danny challenged.

"And.. you haven't been the same." Tani said.

"The same?" Danny questioned, his face contorted in amuse. If he wasn't feeling like a mess on the inside and if his head wasn't on the verge of exploding, he would have laughed. "Isn't that a little too dramatic, even for you."

"Danny, I'm serious. You've.. you've changed since Steve left." Tani said.

"That's good. I don't want to be the same."

"What are you talking about?"

He shook his head. Nope. He was definitely not doing this right now. Or ever. "Nothing.. Look Tani, I don't want to talk about this." He said as the familiar pang spread across his chest.

"Danny, you need to.. you need to let it out. You're hurting and I want to help."

"Tani, please. Stop."

"No.. I'm not letting this go. Danny, you need to let us help you.."

"I don't need help, okay?! I'm not hurting! Just leave me alone, will you?!" Danny unwittingly raised his voice.

Tani took a step back, stumbling on her words. "Ye..I.."

Almost immediately, he looked up at Tani whose eyes were widened in surprise. He sighed. "I'm sorry. Look, I didn't mean to.. I'm really sorry."

Tani wrapped her hand around his wrist. "It's okay." She said gently. "Danny.."

"Tani.. Please.. I'm fine." Those words were his bullet nowadays. He offered them god knew how many times a day and they usually shut everyone up. They stopped probing maybe because they believed it or more likely because they wouldn't know how to handle the reverse. But today he wasn't so lucky, Tani was impervious to those words. "I'd like to be alone.. please.. just go.."

"I can't do that. You are not fine, Danny.. And that's okay.. You don't have to be fine. But just.. just say something, Danny."

"It's not going to change anything, Tani.." Danny said, his voice noticeably quivering. "Nothing's going to change no matter what I say." Steve isn't coming home no matter what I say.

She exhaled, "Yeah, it won't but.. Danny we are all worried about you. And even if it doesn't change anything, at least if you talk about it, it'll help you feel better. I am really worried about you, Danny.."

He looked up at her and he had no idea why in that instant when his eyes met hers, he just crumbled. "I don't know what to do.." His voice cracked. "He left." His voice was so quiet, Tani wondered if she had imagined it. "He just left, Tani" Danny said again. "Steve left. And I don't know what to do now."

Tani stared at him, her heart breaking at the fragility of his voice and vulnerability in his eyes. For once, he'd shut her up. Steve left. And she had no words to offer that could reverse that fact.

"I.." Danny stuttered. He didn't know what to say so that he didn't sound pathetic. He missed his best friend so damn much that it hurt just thinking about it. But he couldn't say that out loud. He couldn't tell her how heartbroken he really was even if he told himself multiple times a day that Steve had his own reasons for leaving. "Ten years.. and he left.. just like that."

"Dann.. are you mad at him?"

"Mad?" He repeated, allowing the question to hang tensely between them. "I'm not mad at him.." Danny swallowed. Hurt, maybe.. Disappointed, yes. Devastated even, if he was being melodramatic. But he wasn't angry. At least not at the fact that Steve left. Tani stared at him with a piercing gaze. "I'm not angry. I can't be angry even if I tried to. I understand why..why he left. I.. I had never seen him like that. He's obviously tired. Running that hard.. non-stop for 10 years.. It was a matter of time.. And I know he's having a hard time right now." Danny paused, thinking back to the last time he had heard his partner's voice.

He was never mad at Steve. In fact, if there was anyone he was angry with, it was himself. He was to blame for Steve leaving. He should have seen the signs. Well, he had, actually. That was why he had crafted the horribly executed mold story and moved into Steve's house in the first place. To help his friend. But it hadn't been enough. He should have pushed harder for Steve to get help. That was his greatest regret. Failing to get Steve the help he needed and fooling himself that his friend was okay. Only because he desperately needed Steve to be okay.

He inhaled shakily, willing the tears to stay hidden.

"Besides, Steve... Steve has no obligation to stay here for me. I don't have a right to stop him and I can't either because I know he needed to do it.. As misguided as his decision to leave behind everything he had spent 10 years building was, I don't have it in me to be angry at him, Tani. He needs this. He needs a break from everything. So no.. I'm not mad at him. I just.." Danny broke off, his voice wavering.

Tani eyed him curiously.

For a long minute, he let the words hang in the air and Tani didn't probe either, her gaze softening. He looked her in the eye, unable to hide the tears collecting in them and for the first time, he wanted to tell someone everything. He wanted to get it off his chest.

"I just wish... I wasn't one of the things he needed a break from." Danny finally said, his voice raw. "I would have gone with him wherever it was he thought peace would be. I would have.. and he knows it. After all those times I came after him. He knows I would have dropped everything just to make sure he was okay. I would have gone with him even if it meant I had to leave my kids.. because he's as important to me as they are. Because.. because he's my family too. I lost one brother a few years back. Everyday of my life, I regret letting him go without me. I don't want to lose another one.. I would have stayed with him, Tani. Till he was ready to come home. And he knows that. But he never did ask me.. He left me. He doesn't need me, not the way I need him."

For the first time, he had admitted it out loud. He expected it to lift the heavyweight crushing his chest but all it did was bring about a fresh wave of pain that stabbed through his heart. Hell, it hurt so bad, he briefly wondered if he was having a heart attack or something.

"Danny.. I'm sorry, I.."

"It's fine.. I'm fine.. I'm used to it at this point, you know? People leaving. I'm thinking maybe I'm not all that good at making people stay."

Tani let out a deep sigh. "That is not true at all. Why would you say that? Danny, I love you. And you are such a great person. I think that's the problem. They left because they didn't think they deserve you."

"Great person?" He chuckled drily. "Tani, you don't have to sugar coat it, babe." He swallowed the ache radiating from beneath his gunshot wound.

"No. I'm serious. Danny, why do you think Steve left?" Tani asked.

"Why?" Danny's mind wandered to the day on the beach. Steve had said he had come to Hawaii for his father. And stayed for his father too. Now that it was all done, there was no reason for him to stay. Five-0 or Ohana be damned. Danny be damned. None of them were reason enough for Steve to stay. "There was no reason left for him to stay."

He wasn't reason enough to stay. And that reality hurt like a b*tch. He raised his hand to his chest in an attempt to quell some of the agony that was increasingly becoming unbearable.

"You okay?" Tani asked without missing a beat, worry creasing her forehead.

"Umm..uhh.. Time for my meds, I guess." He said, attempting to get up but Tani set her hand on his shoulder, forcing him to stay seated.

She reached for the row of neatly arranged medication bottles on the counter and took a pill from each of the four bottles. "Here you go." She handed it to him along with a glass of water, eyeing him swallow the pills with a piercing gaze. "Better?" She asked.

He nodded, a lie he was forced to tell.

She settled on the chair next to Danny, reaching for his hand. "Danny..I think..You are the only one who doesn't see it. He couldn't stay. When you were taken.. it was terrible.. We were all.. afraid that we would lose you. But Steve..I have never seen Steve act that way before. It's like he had lost all reason. He couldn't think of anything else but getting to you. He was shaken.. He didn't speak a word while we waited for your surgery to be over, to hear any news about you. He was feeling this.. this immense guilt. And I know, without a doubt, that is the reason he left. He couldn't risk putting you in the same situation again." Tani said.

"Tani, 10 years. 10 years, I've been dodging bullets with him. I put all my trust in him. He's my partner.." Danny said. "I don't blame him for whatever happened. It was never his fault."

"That isn't how he sees it."

"I don't know..I just..I don't know anymore. Look, this conversation isn't going anywhere. Steve left. And I'm not gonna lie that it hurt like crap.. but I gotta accept it. I gotta accept that.. that he's not coming home. He's never coming home."

"That's not true. He'll come home." Tani said. She still held on firmly to Steve's very own words. The island had a way of drawing people home, he had said. With conviction, she believed that Steve too, would be drawn home.

Danny inhaled shakily, the sharp piercing ache to the left of his sternum intensifying. He wanted to believe Tani too, but he had known Steve for 10 years. Nothing was going to bring Steve home this time. He was sure of it. Maybe it would take another funeral to do that, the way John McGarrett's funeral had forced him back onto the island 10 years ago. Maybe it would take Daniel William's funeral next to bring Steve home.

"Not this time, Tani." Danny shook his head. "Not this time."

"Why are you so sure about that?"

She looked at him. How did she tell him that Steve had answered that question himself. The deafening silence that had followed when Danny had told him "It better not be a forever goodbye." was enough of an answer for him.

Steve couldn't even look him in the eye and give him a reassuring lie. 'You got a phone right?". A load of crap that was.

An unsolicited groan escaped his lips as he felt his heart being squeezed mercilessly while the memory flooded him.

"Danny.. hey, you okay? You're really worrying me.. Do you need to lie down?"

I don't think I will ever be okay.

He wanted to lie and say he was fine but he really couldn't. Not anymore. He no longer had the strength. The agonizing ache in his chest caused him to slump forward, his hand pressing on the island was the only thing keeping him from collapsing onto the ground in an ungraceful heap.

"Danny!" Tani held him firmly, one hand on his chest, another on his back, practically cradling him so he wouldn't fall over from the chair. "What's wrong?"

He wasn't sure either. "Hurts.. chest.. hurts." He eked out. He just wanted to forget everything, to escape this prison of hurt that he'd unwittingly kept himself in. He seemed to have forgotten how to breathe. Was that even possible? He was gasping for air but somehow it wasn't working.

Why didn't it work? His lungs burned as they thirsted for air. This reminded him so much of that Sarin incident.

Except, it wasn't Steve's face, or Chin's, or Kono's face that was in front of him. There was no Steve telling him that Gracie needs her Danno, no Chin asking him to keep breathing and to hang in there, no Kono squeezing his hand and assuring him he'll be alright. He needed them more than anything. He needed them by his side.

But they had all left. What was he even still doing here? Was it time he left too?

"Danny, just breathe. Hey.. Come on, no, no.. Open your eyes please." Tani pleaded, keeping her voice as calm as she could.

He tried as best as he could to obey her words. The last thing he needed was to collapse right here in his kitchen and be a burden to his colleague again. The light pouring into the kitchen assaulted his eyes yet he fought the dizziness and kept his eyes open. Tani's face blurred into vision in front of him, her eyes wide in panic.

"Danny, what's wrong with you? Have you been feeling unwell? I'm gonna call the ambulance, alright.." Tani's voice still sounded a little like she was underwater.

He swallowed the lump in his throat. "No." His heart was pounding painfully hard in his chest but no, he didn't want the hospital. He was done with hospitals for a lifetime. "No hospital. M'fi..ne.."

"You're not well, Danny." Tani said.

"I..I'm good." He groaned, taking everything in him to straighten himself up as pain radiated from his chest to his left arm all the way up to his neck.

He knew there was nothing anyone could do to make the pain go away. Well, nothing except having his best friend back, probably. But Steve was never coming home. He knew that with every cell in his body.

"M'..ok.." He said, looking up at her. "Ju..just hel..p me to the couch."

"Danny. You need the hospital." Tani insisted.

"J..ust a spell. I'll b..e fine" He sucked in an unsteady breath, riding through the pain surging through him. "Co..uch"

Tani sighed, hooking her arms under his and supporting him as he stood up. He struggled for the next breath as he took a step towards the living room. He felt the hold around his back tighten at the same moment his legs buckled. Her panicked voice filled his ears as he became a deadweight in her arms. He felt himself slowly sink onto the ground, her hand around him still firmly holding on to him and cushioning his fall.

"Danny.. hey!"

"M'kay.."

He really shouldn't be doing this. But his heart hurt so much. The intensifying throb was killing him, literally or not he would find out.

"Danny.. Hang in there. You're gonna get help, okay?"

"M'f..ine.." He heaved, trying to push himself upright with whatever bit of energy he thought he still possessed but he failed as his arms remained limp.

"No, you're not but you're going to be okay. You're going to be okay.." It seemed like a desperate plea more than an assurance.

He nodded, squeezing Tani's arm to return some of that assurance. He took one last breath in and everything went black.

…

A/N: Hey everyone, thank you for reading. Hope you enjoyed it and I would love to hear your thoughts on the story/chapter. Thanks and have a good year ahead!