TW: Opioid overdose. Implied suicide attempt. Generally emotionally intense chapter.
PLEASE note the trigger warning. As someone who struggled with suicidal ideation in the past I can tell you that this could be triggering. I will provide a brief summary of this chapter at the beginning of the next.
Please remember that you are LOVED and NEEDED in this world. Please stay;
From that moment on, time flew in a blurred kaleidoscope of mind numbing color. Olivia faintly heard Amanda yelling instructions into her radio as Liv rushed to the lifeless body.
She felt herself shaking as she rolled Ellie's stilled body onto her back. "Ellie, please." Olivia knew her voice sounded frantic, bordering on desperate. "Please. I need you to open your eyes. Come on!."
She was met with a barely discernible groan. "She's still alive!" Olivia yelled at Amanda, who updated the pending emergency response team.
"Come on Ellie. Open your eyes. Please!" She begged.
Ellie sucked a slowed breath into her lungs, the weight of the drugs were clearly causing her lungs to slow. "No." The words were no more than a mumble. "I can't." Hee head fell limp from the effort.
"Please!" Olivia knew her cheeks were stained with tears, but didn't care. "Noah still needs you," Olivia pled.
"…better off without me." Her voice registered softer than a whisper. Her head rolled back, and Olivia wasn't sure she could hear breath sounds anymore.
"Oh God. Come on Ellie. No no no." Olivia laid Ellie flat on her back and watched for the rise and fall of her chest. Her fingers gripped her wrist as she checked for a pulse.
"Where the hell is that bus!?" Her voice cracked. Her pulse was faint, but discernible. "Come on Ellie. Hang in there. You can't go. Not yet. Come on." Her entire body shook.
She found a faint pulse, but Ellie's lips had begun to blue. "Damn it damn it. Come on Ellie!"
The sound of rushed footsteps crunched through the building's debris registered in her periphery. Gentle hands grasped her shoulders, pulling her backward, away from the young woman's body.
Words like "CPR," and "Naloxone" were being thrown around as Ellie's body was loaded into the waiting ambulance. Olivia sat on the dirty ground with her best friend's hands still gripping her shoulders. All she could think was that she couldn't feel a pulse.
-000-
Elliot burst through the ER doors, and his eyes frantically darted around as he searched for Olivia and Amanda.he nearly approached reception, but then he caught a glimpse of a familiar blonde ponytail. Amanda. Next to her stood Olivia. A heavy blanket draped her shoulders, but from where he stood he could see her body shaking.
He took three hurried strides across the room, and his hands flew to steady her upper arms. His stomach sank at her pale face, and vacant expression. She was clearly in shock.
He gathered her into his arms, but she remained stiff. He rubbed her back, hoping the physical contact could shake her back to reality.
"How long has she been like this?" He asked over Olivia's head.
Amanda's arms remained tightly wound around herself as she answered. "Uh. Thirty, maybe forty minutes." She swallowed deeply. "She's been like this since we…uh…since we found her."
Elliot understood. How much devastation could one heart take? He ducked his head, and said her name, "Olivia."
Her head whipped upward at the sound of his voice. Her eyes went from ghostly to frantic as she began to push against him. His initial instinct was to hold her in place, but the look in her eyes made in release her.
In a flash she found a nearby trash can, and began losing the contents of her stomach.
-000-
Amanda watched helplessly as Olivia dashed for the trash can. Not for the first time. Earlier, just as they approached the ER doors, she heaved into the nearest trash can.
Olivia continued to heave into the bin while Elliot rubbed her back, and whispered what she assumed were reassurance into her friend's ear. She finally coughed out the remaining stomach bile, and straightened herself back up.
Elliot kept an arm wrapped tightly around her as he helped her to a nearby chair. He helped her sit and tucked the blanket around her shaking shoulders. Once Olivia settled, he turned towards Amanda and pulled his wallet from his pocket.
"Can you find a vending machine or something?" He asked, his eyes desperate. "She needs Gatorade or water or something."
Olivia shook her head adamantly, and Amanda felt a wash of relief. She seemed to be returning to reality. Elliot wasn't quite as thrilled with the head shake. His face was suddenly inches from hers, serious, but soft.
"I swear to God Liv. If you don't drink something I'm going to make one of these nurses hook you up to an IV."
Her eyes widened. "Fine," she croaked somewhat defiantly.
Amanda blinked back tears. Her friend was coming back to reality. "Yeah, should I track down something to eat too?"
"They would be good," Elliot responded. "But something bland. She won't eat much when this happens."
Amanda raised a curious eyebrow, but kept her thoughts to herself. "I'll be back in a minute," she said more for Olivia's benefit. This wasn't an acute incident. It was chronic, and that was troubling. Amanda was there when Liv vomited blood all over the captain's office. She never wanted to see that again.
The vending machine sucked up the dollars and she made her selections. Amanda couldn't release the worry gripping her stomach. Ellie didn't look good when they loaded her up, and Olivia…she wasn't certain Olivia could take the loss. The shifting family dynamic made things stressful, but Amanda knew Olivia felt bonded to Noah's mother.
As she approached, Elliot stood, but Olivia stayed sitting. She seemed to be coming out of the shock, but she still looked like hell. Amanda wordlessly passed her a water bottle. Elliot's eyes never left Olivia as she slowly sipped the water.
Olivia wouldn't tolerate the hovering for long. Once Liv felt better she would exert her independence, and kick Elliot in the ass if he coddled her.
Olivia's voice rasped a little as she spoke, "Where's Noah?"
"He's hanging out with his Uncle Fin, and Nick…at the precinct."
"I'd pay to see that," Amanda chimed in.
"Doesn't Nick have kids?" Elliot asked.
"Yeah that's true. I guess I'm talking more about Fin," Amanda chuckled.
"He had a kid once," Olivia mentioned.
"Still makes for a funny visual," Amanda noted.
The levity of the conversation, lifted the dark aura pressing on the three of them. They didn't get to enjoy it for long. Amanda watched Olivia's hand snatch Elliot's, gripping it tightly.
Everyone seemed to be holding their breath, not daring to breathe until the news was delivered. Thankfully the doctor didn't drag things out.
"I'm sorry. We lost vitals on the way to the hospital, and we were unable to resuscitate her upon arrival. We did everything we could, but she was just too far gone." His eyes dropped to the floor. "I can answer any questions you might have."
He was met with the sound of crickets Amanda turned, towards her two best friends, and her heart broke as Olivia slowly crumbled into Elliot's arms. It was too much. It was all too damn much.
-000-
Gone. The word reverberated through Olivia's consciousness. Gone. Ellie was dead, and Olivia had no idea how things had come to this point. Her mind reeled, as she replayed the conversation from the previous day. Ellie seemed at peace, maybe a little worried and overwhelmed, but far from suicidal. She couldn't wrap her mind around it all.
She felt like she was going through the motions as followed Elliot to the car. She sat in the passenger seat, and kept her eyes focused out the window.
She wanted to help her, and in trying she made things worse. Olivia rested her hand and watched the city blocks pass by. In her line of work, she was used to victims dying, but this felt different. Maybe it was the connection. Maybe it was because she wanted so badly for Noah to have something she didn't have. Maybe it was because she had begun to care for Ellie, and high hopes for her future. But none of that mattered now, because she was dead.
They pulled into the parking near the precinct, and Elliot cut the engine. She could feel his eyes on her, but she didn't dare look at him. How many times could she emotionally break down in the front seat of the car?
"Liv?" His voice was so soft it almost annoyed her.
She blinked back her tears, and rode the irritation. That was easier than grief. "I'm fine," she snapped. She softened. "I just," she pinched the bridge of her nose. "I need to work." Work was something she could do. The only thing she could do.
"I took today off. I have Eli today, I told Kath, well, I just told her work was busy and I might have to reschedule. I can pick up Eli, and take him and Noah to the park or something." He reached out to touch her shoulder. "Take some time," he encouraged.
She lifted his palm to her lips, kissing it quickly. "Thank you." This was one of those times she felt lucky to have him as her partner. He understood what she needed, and didn't try to force her to do something that would be better for most people. When she was with him she felt seen. His soul knew hers, and that meant everything.
-000-
Despite her depressed mood, Olivia couldn't contain her giggle when she entered the squadroom.
Perched on Fin's hip was a bouncing Noah. Fin had his shoulder propping his phone to his ear as he tried to scrawl something onto a pack of yellow sticky notes. Nick sat one desk over measuring bottled water into a baby bottle.
She felt Elliot's hands on her upper arms. "See," they had us covered."
"Yeah," she said as she stepped away. She made her way across the room. Noah began bouncing excitedly as she approached.
Fin hung up the call, and held Noah out for Olivia. "Kid's a champ, but I gotta head out." He motioned for Nick to follow.
"Wait," Olivia stepped towards Fin. "Take me with you." She posed the request as a command over a question.
Fin's eyes darted over to Elliot and back to Olivia. She knew he wanted to ask if she was sure, or tell her she should go home, but thankfully he resisted the impulse. He jerked his head towards the exit.
She whirled around and deposited Noah into Elliot's waiting arms. She pressed a kiss to Noah's head and whispered, "Mama will be home soon." Tears threatened to fall, but she swallowed them back. She kissed Elliot's cheek quickly, avoiding his gaze as she fell into step behind Fin.
Noah's biological mother died early that morning, and Olivia felt the mantle of motherhood fall onto her shoulders. She was that boy's mother, and she would raise him with the abundance of love his biological mother tried to give him. He would be loved and wanted in this world, and Olivia promised herself she would give him everything she never had. He would never question the reason for his existence in the world. He would be loved for who he was, and not how he was conceived. He was her son, bound to her by love and circumstance. In that moment she felt the truth of Elliot's words deep in her bones. Love, not blood, made a family.
-000-
Elliot scrolled for his ex wife's number while waiting for the ding of the elevator. Noah's little fingers kept grasping for the lit up screen so he had to hold the phone out in front of him far enough to escape Noah's pudgy little hands.
The elevator chimed, and Elliot noticed the doors push open in his periphery so he stepped forward. He didn't see the young woman disembarking the elevator so his outstretched arm knocked into her shoulder, effectively sending his phone clattering to the floor.
"Oh God. I'm so sorry! I didn't see you there," the young woman began apologizing.
"No no. Totally my fault," Elliot said as he shifted Noah further back on his hip so he could reach for the fallen phone. Once he picked up his phone and ticked it in his pocket he finally looked at the woman he had carelessly bumped into. "I'm sorry I wasn't paying attention," he apologized while bouncing Noah a little. "This guy gets a little distracting."
The girl gave a sad smile before reaching her finger out to Noah who grasped at it eagerly. "I can see why." Her smile broadened a little more. "He's definitely adorable."
"We think so," Elliot smiled kindly. The elevator doors started to close, and he stuck his arm out to keep them from closing completely.
The dark haired woman let go of Noah's finger, and stepped away. "I better let you guys go."
Elliot simply nodded and stepped inside the elevator. He pushed the button for the main floor, and as the doors shut he noticed the woman opening the doors to the SVU squadroom.
As always, thank you for your comments!! I absolutely love hearing from all of you.
Now...who came off the elevator?