FAITH

A Very Atropine Christmas

December 25, 2279. The winter prior to the events of Atropine Dreams…

It was really cold outside. The coldest it had ever been in Doctor Isaac's young life. It was snowing. Probably just a little bit, but the wind was blowing so hard that the it got swept up with the dust and made it seem like a blizzard. The snow and dust battered the sides of the tent and gathered on the thick cloth, blocking out any light from outside. The strange and comforting smell of radscorpion casserole wafted through the air.

Isaac glanced down at the glowing green screen of his pip boy. Just past midnight. Santa Clause hadn't showed up just yet. There were no presents beneath the Joshua Tree, standing tall in the middle of the fort with all its string lights and tinsel. But there was still plenty of time! And of course, most of the Followers weren't in bed yet. The storm had brought in a lot of Freeside drifters who needed shelter for the night. Not just from the cold, but from the radiation of the snowy dust storm. Everyone knew how dangerous it was to be uncovered in a storm like this, and not everyone had winter clothes.

"So, Isaac… Any plans for Christmas day?" Isaac glanced up at Arcade. It was just the two of them in this tent since Marwan and Bayen went out to get more drinks and more firewood respectively. They'd been sitting in awkward silence up until now. He shook his head.

"Nah. Nothin' special. I'm working tomorrow." He gave his bottle of Hard-Sarsaparilla a contemplative swish. It was still empty. "Me and Marwan and that, uh, Emily Ortal lady are gonna be working on getting those call-buttons set up around Freeside. As long as the storm's settled, that is."

"Well what about Christmas night?"

Isaac almost laughed. "Well, what about Christmas night? I don't know. Are you propositioning me, friend?" Arcade responded with a dismissive wave. From his standing position, he seemed so much taller than Isaac. He was taller, of course, but Isaac didn't like being stood over.

"Please! There's plenty of better looking men around here for me to spend the night with, without getting caught up in some childish love triangle. That's for damn sure."

There was a pause. "Jesus Christ," said Isaac. He had no other words. Arcade had responded almost reflexively. And of all the responses Isaac had expected, that was not one of them.

There was another Awkward silence. Arcade looked away, embarrassed. One of the logs in the stove made a loud crackling noise as it broke off and fell to the side. Behind the glass, the fire danced and swayed. Even with the patch metal chimney letting the majority of the smoke out the top of the tent, the air was still heavy. You could still feel the smoke on your tongue.

"Sorry," said Arcade. Isaac nodded.

"Yeah." He put the lip of his empty beer bottle up to his right eye, so it was touching the lens of his round eyeglasses. He closed his other eye and squinted at the fire through the dirty green glass. "Ain't we all?"

It was fun to watch the fire dance like that. It reminded him of the feeling of sitting beneath the Christmas tree as a kid, staring up at the lights. Back before he got his glasses, when they were all just starry blurs of color.

"Really though. I'm sorry. I just… you know." Isaac stared at him through the bottle. He did a lopsided smile.

"Just what, Mr Gannon?"

"I don't want to make things any worse between us. I knew, if I kept prodding you about Christmas, that eventually, you were going to say you were spending it with Savanna. And I wanted to set the record straight about that situation." Isaac lowered the bottle. The words he was hearing now were making him too sad to keep doing the clown routine. He set the bottle down, gingerly, and hunched down with his chin resting on his fists. "It was stupid of me to intervene like I did. I should've just let Doctor Farkas and Doctor Usanagi make the judgment call. But I was worried that since you were Julie's nephew, and she'd known you since you were little, that she'd be biased. I wasn't trying to be the bad guy, you know. But I have to look out for our supplies. I didn't want to waste any more resources on a… lost cause."

Arcade visibly winced as he closed out his thoughts. Once again, it seemed the words just hadn't come out right. Isaac laughed a little bit. "That was a pretty terrible apology, Mr. Gannon."

"Well it's all you're getting out of me. I'm sorry I hurt you, Isaac, but I'm not sorry for-!"

"Knock knock guys!" That was Julie Farkas's voice, from outside. Before either of them could stand up or move, the tent flaps opened up and the cold blew in. Aunt Julie, Marwan and Bayen stood huddled together outside. Julie had something bundled up in her arms and everyone was wearing layers of long sleeved clothing and coats. They were all covered in snow and dust. "We've got all sorts of cargo here, so make room. Let's clear a space in the middle, alright?"

The newcomers poured in and closed the flaps behind them. Isaac stood up from his rusty metal folding chair to help move the table out of the center of the tent, while Arcade and Aunt Julie unloaded the supplies. There were enough people helping already, but he didn't want to just sit there looking sour. He fell in line next to Marwan and gripped onto the bottom of the table. Marwan gave him a little nudge with his elbow as they hoisted it up and began to shimmy across the room, which he flinched away from. There was the hint of a smirk on Marwan's lips. His nose and cheeks were still red from the cold.

"You seem upset, Doctor Saller. Did someone finally tell you that Santa Claus isn't real?"

"What did I goddamn tell you about "Doctor Saller"!? That was my dad. I'm Isaac." They were almost there. A silent agreement was happening now as to where to set the table down. The legs hovered a few inches off the ground. "And… stop nudging me like that. Or at least don't surprise me with it."

"Mm. I understand. I was also upset when I first found out. It can be very painful to let go of such childhood whimsy."

The table didn't make much of a sound at all as Isaac, Bayen and Marwan set it down in the soft dirt. Bayen looked at the other two for permission to leave, then quietly peaced out to go help Aunt Julie and Arcade with whatever they were doing. Bayen was like that. He mostly just kept his head down and stayed quiet whenever he was in a social setting.

Marwan leaned over onto the table and it creaked under his weight, interrupting Isaac's train of thought. He crossed his arms and looked away. "Please, Doctor, help me. I am used to playing the straight man to your screwball act. Levity does not come naturally to me."

Isaac sighed. It felt warm in the tent, and yet, a cloud of his breath still hung in the air. He grasped at the air a few times and stuttered as if to grab some smart words out of the air to say, but came up short. So he closed his eyes and tried to focus, tried to think of a more simple, and yet still profound, way to put the things he was feeling. That didn't work either. There weren't any tears in his eyes, but there was an uninvited lump beginning to rise in the back of his throat. He hung his head in shame. "To tell you the truth, I don't even wanna think about it no more. If we keep talking about this I'm gonna get sad and cry."

"Then let us speak no more."

And that was the end of that conversation. Isaac appreciated that about Marwan. Among lots of other merits, Marwan knew when to reign it in.

In the middle of the tent, there was a growing commotion. Another voice, one that Isaac had never heard before. A kid's voice. He tried to get a good look at who it was coming from, but Julie, Arcade, and Bayen were all standing in the way. He sniffled back any remaining tears and gave Marwan a questioning glance.

"Did Aunt Julie bring a patient in here with her? Was that what she had all bundled up?" Marwan nodded.

"Yes. Julie was on her way to one of the infirmary tents when she stopped to help us. She was carrying a small child that had stumbled up to the gates, and fallen unconscious banging on the doors." They both leaned forward to get a better look. By now the child was kicking and yelling. People were backing up. "I don't think she expected the patient to wake up so quickly. Or violently."

"You fuckin pedophiles! Get your hands off of me! NCR Shills! You gonna experiment on me now? Take my fuckin organs and sell them for more drugs!?" Everyone had fully backed away from the girl on the floor now. She looked like some sort of feral beast. Hunched down, baring her yellow fangs. Her hair was black and oily. Her whole face was covered in acne. Her clothes were ragged and worn, and her body was covered in bruises. Her fingertips were stained and burned. "I know who you guys are. Tata told me all about you guys. Says you're a bunch of fuckin whores. NCR Whores!"

"Well, seeing as how we took you in-"

"Shut your mouth whore!" Arcade stood in shock for a moment, then shook his head. He turned his back on the situation.

"You know what? You all have fun. I'm not going to subject myself to this stupidity."

There was a gust of cold air, a puff of dust and snow, and Arcade disappeared into the night. The angry little girl held her defensive position, backing up further towards the edge of the tent, towards the stove. Julie put her hands up. She squatted to get down to her level.

"My name's Julie Farkas. You've got us wrong- we're not the NCR. We're with the Followers of the Apocalypse."

"I can see your dumb patches. I told you, I know who you are. Your sellouts. You buy shit from them, you sell shit to them! You're all friendly with their asshole cops. You think we don't see that?" The little girl spit on the ground. "If we were gonna fight to make Freeside free, Tata says you would side with the NCR. Not with us. Cause that's where your caps come from."

Aunt Julie was unfazed. Her wells of patience clearly ran deep. "I can see where you'd get that idea. I'm sure your Tata is a smart guy, but has he been keeping up with current events? He should know that here in Nevada, we don't support the NCR anymore. We split up almost five years ago. We didn't even help at the Battle of the Dam." The girl on the floor looked around warily, as if she expected someone to sneak up behind her and grab her, then let herself focus on Julie again. Julie kept her distance. "We buy some of our supplies from the NCR, but we get supplies wherever we can get them. We're not trying to turn a profit here. None of us are rich. We all live in the same conditions you do."

Slowly, shakily, the girl stood up from her squatting position. Her body relaxed. She slicked back her wild hair and looked around at her spectators- by now everyone had gathered around, at a respectful distance of course. She seemed to consider her words for a moment.

"Well… I guess, since you're being so fucking nice, and letting me stay the night… I guess I can try and get with what you're saying. I just can't believe Tata would be so wrong about something like that."

"It's okay to be wrong," Bayen said helpfully. The girl blinked in surprise. She turned to look up at Bayen.

"Who the hell are you dude?! I'm talking to Mohawk lady! I'm getting a reality-low-down. My whole world is being changed here! I don't need your input!" There was a moment where the only sound was the crackling of the fire. She seemed to think for a moment. "But I guess you're right. That's some good advice. Some bearded wizard shit. You get a pass this time, redhead."

"I promise I won't take it for granted."

"Best not." She turned back to Julie. "Like I was saying, this is crazy. I guess I'd heard some people talking shit about this and that, about how the NCR was talking bad about the Followers now, and calling you all anarchist cultists. Which is pretty rad by the way. I'm into that stuff, that anarchy kinda stuff. But most people aren't. So I guess if you and the NCR were still pals then they wouldn't talk that kinda shit about you."

"Can we please finish up this rigmarole?" said Marwan. He gestured towards the stove. "I put these casseroles in before I went to get drinks. They'll burn if I leave them any longer."

Any tension that was left blew away into the dinner-scented wind. For the first time, the girl perked up. "So that's what I was smelling! Do I get any?"

There was something like a shared smile between the group. It was good when they could all agree on something. "It's Christmas, and you've clearly had a rough night," said Julie, speaking for everyone. "The least we can do is put some good food in your belly before you head back out tomorrow."

Marwan opened up the stove. There was a whoosh, a blast of hot air. Embers flew forth. The previously faint smell of Radscorpion casserole filled the room. Everyone got out of the way as Marwan rushed the hot baking pan to the table on the side of the tent.

The rest was a blur. Everyone pulled their chairs up to the table. Aunt Julie squeezed Isaac's hand goodbye and excused herself, saying she had lots of other important stuff to do. No doubt, she'd already spent too much time here. Drinks were served, and everyone but Bayen took one. Marwan cut up the casserole and began to serve it. There were no plates, but the table was clean enough, and he'd brought forks and knives alongside the drinks.

Once everything was laid out, The Followers all bowed their heads in prayer. Isaac looked around to make sure no one else was going to, and started them off. Despite everything, he was still feeling festive.

"Dear Lord…"

In a world where so many are hungry, may we eat this food with humble hearts;

In a world where so many are lonely, may we share this friendship with joyful hearts.

Amen.

Isaac looked around again. "Amen," said everyone, with varying degrees of enthusiasm. Everyone except for the little girl. She dug in with the rest of them, but there was a bitter look in her eyes now. She set her gaze on Isaac.

"What's the point of praying, dude? God abandoned us 200 years ago," she said, mouth half full of food. Isaac looked right back at her.

"What's your name?"

She stopped chewing. They'd been ignoring her, but there was a little bit of curiosity from the others at the table now. The girl swallowed. Suddenly, she seemed afraid to look at anyone.

"Squid. My name's Squid."

Isaac nodded. "Well, Squid, I agree. I don't believe in God myself. But a lot of us are deeply religious. We keep the faith when no one else will, because that's our way. And we say a simple prayer with dinner every night. It means something different to everyone."

"But why?" Her brow was furrowed. the sarcasm, the anger, the layers of irony… in this moment, she had shed them all. She was genuinely asking. "Who cares? Look at this fucking garbage trash dump world! What is there to have faith in anymore?"

"Faith in anything! Faith in God, or in yourself. Faith in the stranger standing right next to you, that you and him might be able to work together to make the world a nicer place… You gotta have some sort of faith or your heart will start acting up, and so will you. Being human is all about having faith."

Squid didn't respond to that. She just rolled her eyes and got back to eating. And Isaac didn't press the issue any more, either. But as they ate together, talked together, shared stories of victory and defeat, moments of great joy and moments of great sadness, he could see that something had changed. Something had clicked. She was curious now. Isaac was no good at reading people that way, usually, but he could tell this time. He'd been there before.

The first step towards anything worth doing in life was always a leap of faith.