Chapter 1 Farewell Friend
My oh my, all by myself again
Feels just like I'm drifting in a sea of loneliness
Though the storm has died down your waves still reverberate
I've got to flow with the tide or risk getting swept away.
Trina had exciting news and Spencer was the first person that she wanted to share it with. She had torn open the envelope not expecting much but there it was in black and white. She had gotten in! Excited, she picked up her keys and headed out the door. She had decided to walk through the park as it had been a clear, sunny spring day in June after a stint of rain. The grass smelled amazing, the birds were chirping and she felt hopeful after almost losing hope.
Trina wasn't sure what she would do about the news, that's why she had to talk to him. She grinned as she thought about him. Yeah, they had been interrupted the last few times they tried to have quality time, but she understood it. Spencer had accepted the role of a parental male figure in his brother's life. She may not have liked that it meant sacrifices for them in their youth but she loved him. She hadn't quite said the words out loud, in fact, she had only recently admitted it fully to herself but she was certain of it. Her heart was so full of love for him that it hurt in the best way.
Trina saw a young couple and their child having a picnic in the park. As she got closer, her heart cracked with the reality of her situation. They looked cozy. A picnic blanket was laid out with various toys for Ace, and a basket with food and drinks for them. It was romantic. She watched as Spencer playfully bounced Ace. Just like a happy father would. Esme smiled and cooed at them. It was at that moment she had her answer. She just couldn't see things changing anytime soon and she didn't have it in her to continue watching him be a family with that girl. Maybe it was for the best, the best thing for Ace.
The saying went, if you love someone let them go…The thing is she wasn't sure if he would come back or if he was ever hers. She rubbed her arms as the chill ran over her body. Her heart broke moment every second she stood watching like a stalker. What she was, was an outsider. An interloper in the family dynamic between Spencer and Esme. Even his grandmother supported them. It could be the last time she would see him, and she could no longer hold back the tears so she turned and ran away as they fell.
Trina couldn't go home, she couldn't talk to Joss so she FaceTimed Cam but then she hung up. He didn't choose her either. She hung her head as she remembered the man who did choose her, she didn't want him, not truly. Maybe she chose him because he had chosen her and she had enjoyed the feeling his attention brought her. The feeling of being desired, and chosen. She had thought that for once she had been chosen when she met Spencer when all of the lies were done between them but then she found that he had a girlfriend. A girlfriend who was a psycho hellbent on destroying her life. If that wasn't enough when things finally came together after two years of longing... After two years of longing, there he was choosing Esme every time she whined. Every time she needed help with Ace. He never said no, he never told her to handle it. He always left her waiting, wanting, and needing. Yeah, her decision was made. She needed to get out of there and away from them.
So I wish you the best for the future
As I head towards the shore for a new life
Goodbye lover, farewell friend
Hope that you'll be happy with what you've got
Hope that it's all worth it in the end
Spencer returned home to find a sketchbook by the door. Esme had picked it up to read but he snatched it from her. He recognized it, it was Trina's. She used it as a diary of sorts that had both written and visual elements. Trina must have come by to see him but Esme insisted on taking Ace on a picnic and he didn't trust her taking him anywhere. Fear churned in his gut, Trina hadn't called him but left her sketchbook, instead. Why would she do that? He called her but there was no answer. A sense of dread clawed at his chest and he knew that he had to get to Trina. He helped Esme inside to get his baby brother settled.
"I need to go out." He didn't wait for her to respond. He hurried out while clutching the book in his hand.
Unfortunately, Trina was staying with Carly and Joss. Two people that he didn't want to go through to get to Trina but he would. He took a slow breath in then exhaled through his mouth as he rang the doorbell.
Joss answered the door with a smirk on her face. He hated the smirk. He knew that Trina must have confided whatever she was feeling in Joss and he would have to hear her unsolicited input.
"Trina isn't here and if she's not with you then…" she gave a one-shoulder shrug.
"What do you mean then…? Then what?" Spencer felt his irritation bubble to the surface. He chewed on his cheek to calm the quiet anger that simmered beneath the surface. Esme had already pushed a few buttons and he wasn't sure he could handle a run-in with Joss.
"Then she's gone." He snorted then leveled a hard stare at the blonde.
"Are we going to talk in riddles or are you going to tell me what the hell is going on?" Spencer said louder than he intended. Panic started to seep into the cracks. The last time they saw each other, she was a little disappointed. Still, they texted and talked like they usually did. She didn't seem off.
"What do you mean gone?" He ran a panicked hand through his hair.
"Trina convinced us to get the charges against Esme dropped so that your brother didn't have to live in jail. She's made sacrifice after sacrifice." Joss shook her head. Those were things that Trina needed to say herself.
"Trina was offered a fellowship. She was going to turn it down. She wanted to talk to you face-to-face about it first. She'll be gone most of the summer." His heart sank. Trina hadn't once mentioned anything about a fellowship to him. Maybe that was why she came by but she decided to take it without talking to him. He didn't even know that she applied. He rubbed the back of his neck.
"If all goes well she could get into a prestigious art program and finish her degree there." That information knocked the wind out of him. He opened his mouth to speak but no words came out.
"Where?" He managed to choke out.
"She left her sketchbook behind for a reason. It's not my place to tell you" he snorted at that.
"You have the biggest mouth in Port Charles unless it comes to keeping your mobster boyfriend's secrets…and you're telling me that it's not your place?" Joss pinched the bridge of her nose. She then looked at him.
"See, I'm not going to be your punching bag because you neglected Trina and she needed to get away from you." Joss silently cursed. She was too petty at times and Spencer could really bring it out of her.
"I see." He frowned.
"Spencer…"
"Nah, save it. I'll find her on my own. She couldn't have gotten far." Joss just crossed her arms and shrugged. Trina had driven to New Jersey to catch her flight to Paris. She watched Spencer walk away looking dejected.
Spencer didn't make it far, he had to read the sketchbook. He opened it, the first sketch was a sketch of him at Kelly's. There were sketches of pictures of the two of them that she had embellished. Then there were those things that they had done and morphed into things that she wanted to do. Soon the sketches became of her outside of him with his back turned to her and abstract figures in the distance. One he interpreted as his future. She didn't see herself as part of his future? How could she not? The last one was of her sitting on the shoreline watching the ocean waves alone. The page after that was a letter.
Spencer,
I wanted to give this to you one day as a gift. It was meant to capture moments between us, our first memories as us. They were supposed to come from memory but we haven't had much to draw on so they've become fantasy until I had to get real with myself.
First, let me just say that I get it. I really get it. Ace only has you and his grandmother. His mother leaves a lot to be desired. Still, how can I possibly ask to come first in your life? How can I be so selfish? I thought that I could stand with you, by your side but it mostly feels awkward every time she comes around. I have to sit with it. I have to sit with the optics of the three of you. I have to see it. I have to stamp down how it makes me feel. How much it hurts me. I have to say that I am fine when I am not.
I feel so much, but I need a break. I need to be selfish. I need to put myself first. So, my professor submitted me for a fellowship at a university that comes with an internship at an art museum. It's a wonderful opportunity and if all goes well, it will lead to a scholarship.
Spencer, I didn't want to be away from you so I was going to turn it down but for what? Another sacrifice only to lose you or to be the interloper in my own relationship. I just can't. So I'm going to take this summer and honestly, I don't know what I will do after.
I need this, please don't look for me.
Trina
Spencer held the book close to his chest as he reclined back in his seat. He had messed it up again. The best thing to happen to him he messed it up. The worst part was Esme's involvement. How did he let that happen? How didn't he know that Trina was hurting? How did he let himself neglect her needs? Hell, his own needs. He just wanted to protect her and Ace but he had done the last thing he ever wanted to do, break the heart of the person he loved most.
Spencer felt suffocated within the confines of his truck but he couldn't move. He wanted to go after her but as he read the letter again he couldn't control the tears that escaped as he realized that the best thing for Trina was to let her go. He was selfish by holding on to something good, for wanting something so good after he had done so much damage. Maybe losing her was what he deserved.
