:: CHAPTER 2: AN INVITATION ::
Two Weeks Ago…
He smiles while watching her rummaging around, packing her 'long trip' bags in their penthouse bedroom. After eleven months together (four of which have been spent cohabitating), Lucas Bowman has learned by now just how capable of multitasking his little hummingbird is. It's one of the many things he loves about her. She's so tidy, so efficient and so organized, like, all the time, and in every aspect of her life. It's positively exhausting thinking about how many steps ahead of the game she alway has to be to continually exceed her own expectations of proficiency. 'Good enough is never good enough' is her motto.
He fell in love with her Eva Perón during the production at the West End's revival of Evita in her breakout debut role. She'd taken London audiences and critics alike by storm and was an instant overnight success with rumors of an Olivier nomination in her future.. He really didn't think she'd fall for him at all, and she definitely made him work for it over those first three months. But dammit she'd been worth it to him. She was the sun and he was pulled into her orbit immediately.
"I'm sooo looking forward to seeing you too Quinny!"
— "I mean it's only been what, three years since the last time we saw each other in person? As much as we appreciated the free trip and seeing you do your thing on London's West End stage, we've missed seeing you back here stateside. Puck's gonna be so excited!"
"I'm sure he will, but remember, keep it a secret.. I really wanted it to be a surprise for his 26th birthday!"
— "Trust me he'll be surprised. So… is ah, Lucas coming with on this trip?"
Rachel smiles timidly as her eyes land on him through the reflection in the mirror. "Um.. no, he's got a new project he's scouting. They're in pre-production and needed the choreographer's input on location. This one is a film project and he's SO excited about it! He won't tell me who's directing yet but says I'm sure to lose my mind.. Which can only mean it's either Baz Luhrmann, or he's wrong about my excitement."
— "WOW really? Rach that could be huge for him! And maybe for you too… you know having a personal connection means everything in your business."
"Exactly! So I hope my suspicions are correct! You never know Quinny, you just might see my face on the big screen sooner than later!"
— "I'm surely keeping my fingers crossed for you! Tell me again how long you'll be in Cleveland? And are you planning a drop by in Lima at all?"
"Oh god no.. I'm never going back to Lima if I can help it. I'm a successful Broadway star, didn't you get the memo? People come to ME now!"
— "Oh excuse me MISS DIVA, forgot who was I talking to for a moment!"
"Anyway my dads are coming up to Cleveland so, there's simply nothing FOR me in Lima to go back to. But as to your first question, um, the show is down for a month, maybe longer since the theater needs some electrical repairs or something… so. I'm sort of open. It may depend on what Luke wants to do, but I'll definitely be in town for at least 2 days prior to the benefit, then I'd planned to head back to Manhattan for maybe a week. I have Santana opening up my apartment in the city and freshening everything up, stocking the cupboards and such. So… you should come with me for a weekend. We'll have a girls retreat, just the three of us!"
— "That sounds amazing Rach! I'll have to see if Puck can watch Emory or maybe.. Ugh I guess I can call JUDY if necessary. Not that I really want to speak to her right now."
"Still hating on your mother after that last blow out?"
— "YES. Ugh, I really don't want to talk about it right now. I'll make it work though… Okay I wasn't gonna bring it up, but I just wanted to check on you… have you had any more dreams about a certain four letter F word lately? And by that I mean the one that's 6'3" and wears a firefighter's uniform to work everyday."
Rachel's chest tightens at just the suggestion of him. "Quinn, I appreciate your concern… but you know this topic is off limits. That was another lifetime ago. I don't know those people anymore."
— "Well that wasn't the song you were singing to me in a 3am drunken meltdown a few months ago… so forgive me for being a little concerned. So you've definitely not heard anything from him or reached out to him at all?"
She doesn't know why her eyes are suddenly burning or her knees are starting to tremble just the slightest bit. "I.. no. I've been far too busy and far too… away from that life to even think about it. And no, he has not made any attempt at contact as far as I know, but then again, my assistants had previously been warned NOT to let me know if he had, so… Just. Can we change the subject yet?"
— "Listen hun, I'm happy if you're happy. You've fulfilled all your dreams and are enjoying great success, both professional and personal… I mean, Lucas makes you happy right?"
"He's wonderful. He worships the ground I walk on. I'm very lucky."
— "Well then it's settled, just BE HAPPY. But.., you know, if your paths ever do cross with a certain hunky freckle faced fireman again, maybe you could just, I don't know, bury the hatchet and maybe even be friends again."
"Quinn Puckerman. Why the HELL would you even suggest such a thing to me? I mean, I don't think it'll ever be an issue anyway… but there seems to be a reason you're pressing me on this taboo topic. So spill."
— "Rach I have no clue what you're getting so wigged out about. I'm just asking."
"Nope. Not buying it. Look I know it's been a while since I've seen your face, but I still know that snide tone in your voice… you're withholding something." She hears a heavy sigh on the other end of the phone.
— "No really, it's nothing. Just.. I don't think he's doing so well on his own. His last few girlfriends all bailed on him and after talking to two of them, I have a pretty good idea why that is.. Not that it's your fault or concern at all. But Puck's been a little worried about him. He.. could just maybe use a friend."
"He's always been perfectly good at making friends Quinn, and I'm not sure that beating a dead horse with me will help him march to a NEW beat so… Besides, we both know it's me who broke his heart - again - and it's probably for the best that things are the way they are. Pretty sure his words were crystal clear. He doesn't want or need me as a friend. So let's drop this now."
— "Okay. Sorry hun. Just wanted to check."
.:.:.:.:.
His last words to her really were entirely, positively, crystal clear. 'If you leave me now, don't you EVER come back'. It's pretty hard to confuse the meaning in those words. And she will never – can't ever – forget them (she's tried), or the look on his broken face when he spat them at her.
It wasn't her fault that a talent scout approached her with a once in a lifetime opportunity to skip all the college stuff and go straight to the stage.
Yes it's true, Rachel Berry had planned her world around Finn Hudson for nearly the entirety of her high school career. Yes it's also true they'd made plans and promises and had expected to be each other's forevers. But couldn't he see this was her dream, her big break? He always said he'd do whatever it took to help her along the path to success. He broke his promise when he'd refused to come to London.
She shakes her head and wipes away an errant tear before it can spill down her cheek. Those were yesterday's heartaches… Rachel Berry of today lives her dream every day. She's successful, self-assured, confident and capable of overcoming any obstacle. She has a brilliant partner who adores her and supports her in every aspect.
So why the hell does the mere mention of Finn Hudson still level her heart to a flaming pile of ash?
.:.:.:.:.
2012, Day after High School Graduation…
"YES! Yes I - I'll be there! Oh thank you so much Mr. Robertson, this has been my lifelong dream and, well, I won't let you down!"
The phone call came at a little past 9am, while Finn still lay in a sound coma, his boyishly sweet features still buried in her pillow and under her comforter following a long night of celebrations and several rounds of love making.
He never was a morning person, not like her, so it's no surprise that she's wide awake when Eugene Robertson of the The Markham Agency called. Considering it was still 6am in his Los Angeles office, she assumes they wanted her BADLY. Turned out she was right. He'd been in attendance at Mckinley's show choir Nationals in Chicago and witnessed her magical Celine Dion solo firsthand. It took a little bit of string pulling to finally track her down to offer her the chance to sign with their agency – but it meant relocating to London.
She'd been so overwhelmed and exhilarated at this unexpected opportunity afforded to her that she'd accepted it before she even remembered her fiance was still sound asleep and expecting to help her begin packing for their little shoebox apartment destination in New York today.
Shit... Finn.
She sighed heavily at the realization that she'd just made a life changing commitment that actually affected two lives; her life simply wasn't just hers anymore, not since she'd accepted his proposal and planned to become his wife. Yes they planned to wait til after college or at least until third year before tying the knot, but engaged is basically the same as married, just without all the legal documentation.
He was always her biggest supporter though, and she just knew he'd understand the importance of this opportunity. He would surely be willing to pivot with her for the chance of a lifetime. NYC had only been the plan because that's where NYADA and Broadway are… but West End is just as significant a career boost, and this was a chance to catapult her straight to the stage.
Besides, it didn't have to be forever, just a few years, then they could return with her triumphantly taking Manhattan and Broadway by storm. He'd understand and forgive her for not talking this over with him first, right?
But he didn't understand. And he didn't want to pivot, not overseas. His partial scholarship was a deal breaker and he'd already put the down payment on the lease for their apartment off campus. He'd completed enrollment, selected classes and began planning a life and a career path for his own future and he resented that it didn't even occur to her to ASK him rather than expecting him to just jump because she said so.
It was already a stretch for him to agree to New York, and if it hadn't been for the music scholarship that their Nationals win had garnered, he'd likely be attending Lima Community College or OSU… or worst case, Hummel's Tire and Lube shop working 9-5 six days a week. But that'd be okay because Lima was where his family is.
She pleaded with him. She begged. She bargained. Then she got pissed. Then he got pissed. They made up for about a day and then she had to fly to LA to sign contracts. He told her that day not to go. She told him she loved him and he loved her and everything would work itself out somehow.
And then he said the words she never thought he'd say to her – an ultimatum. She couldn't believe her own ears. This was not her Finn. He'd never make her compromise her dreams like that. But frankly, she knew she was gonna have to compromise one or the other eventually. They were both her dreams, Broadway and Finn. All this time she's been so convinced that she could have both. He'd even said the words to her on a daily basis, but apparently they were hollow and meaningless and melted like ash on her tongue now.
It ripped her heart out when he'd said those words. Deep down when push came to shove she'd hoped he hadn't meant it, but when she handed the engagement ring back, he simply took it without a word. She left for the airport and when she returned, he was already gone to NYC. It happened that fast; 3 years of yesterdays and a lifetime of tomorrows, all undone and erased in two days.
.:.:.:.:.
London was difficult. The culture shock and time change were a lot to settle into, but she'd managed. It's what actors do isn't it? They act. But at night in her flat she was alone – so very alone that it rocked her to the core at times. Many nights were spent curled in a ball sobbing herself into hysterics. Every night was spent missing him. She longed for that large warm fleshy wrap around her tiny frame, the one that soothed her aching shoulder muscles and comforted her, that stroked her hair and her cheek and assured her when she doubted herself, that always told her she could even when she didn't believe it.
It took a few months before she started to develop a solid routine, but fortunately, she was kept busy enough in a few small supporting roles on stage while being shopped around town at various parties, events and industry affairs that gave her more exposure. She'd been employed from the moment her plane touched down, so there was no shortage of busy work.
It only took a few months to land Evita – she was virtually promised the role upon signing with the agency. The production team were affiliates of TMA and she'd been scouted specifically for this role just as casting and pre-production were being coordinated.
She'd actually broken down and texted Finn the night of her big stage debut, saying 'thank you for believing me' but she never received a response. She'd still reserved a front row seat and left his ticket at the will-call, just in case a miracle happened. But of course it didn't.
The next three years were a flurry of glitz and glamor, red carpets and interviews, long hours, long parties, focus and discipline. It was exactly everything she'd ever planned for, prepared for her entire life. Her body was her instrument and she was as conditioned as any Olympian ever could be.
Professionally, her shining star was rising far and fast. Her personal life however, had completely taken a back seat. Sure, there were a few dates; she was a burgeoning starlet in her young 20's after all, she had wants and needs. In time, she found herself amid a very small circle of trusted friends within the theater troupe and her agency, and began to develop something that resembled a social life.
The London night club scene was about as famous and happening as anything NYC could offer. She was finally single and free to experience a life she would have never known back in the states, back where he was. So she partied and drank in the culture and the nightlife and when she got lonely, she filled those needs too…
There were the boy toys, the one night stands, but only one whom she'd even attempted something of a relationship with – albeit at arms length, and it had only lasted about three weeks anyway.
Honestly, it didn't matter whose body was up against her or on top of her or inside of her; none of them felt right. None of them fit right. They weren't tall enough or not muscular enough or not warm enough. They were vegetarians or too dark skinned or too blue eyed. Their hands felt wrong, fit wrong.
An orgasm is an orgasm and she had plenty of mechanical solutions to achieve that. What she missed was the sense of connection, the sense of peace and comfort it brought to her that one other person knew her as well or better than she knew herself - body, soul and mind. Someone who was that perfect puzzle piece she could click into. And after every one of those replacement bodies left her the night of or the morning after, she'd always awaken in the night with tears in her eyes and Finn's clutch still gripping her heart.
She missed him more than there were words to describe, and she just didn't know what to do about it. So she did nothing. She allowed the years to pass and buried the love and the loss and the pain and regret, and moved forward, one step at a time.
Even though she'd had opportunities to return to the states by the second year, she'd let them slip past her grasp, deciding it was less painful to be apart with an ocean between them rather than only a few short miles.
.:.:.:.:.
By year six she'd met Lucas. He was choreographing her production that was going on tour throughout the UK and Ireland with a few stops in France. He'd fallen under spell immediately, but after spending the obligatory professional 'getting to know you' period and eventually becoming friendly enough with her to learn a little about her personal life, he determined she was wearing the scars suffered from some significant loss, though she'd never talked about it.
He could tell she had all her defenses up; the walls surrounding her unused heart were secure enough to safely house the crown jewels. He couldn't reconcile how she could wow audiences on a nightly basis with such vivacious, endearing, heartfelt performances, yet be so closed off emotionally the rest of the time off-stage. He guessed that's what acting was all about after all. Still, he felt she deserved more, could see she desired more – even if she actively denied it.
After a year, he pursued her relentlessly, made it his personal mission to break down that Fort Knox-like barricade and wheedle his way into her heart somehow. The 20th invitation for dinner was finally accepted in honor of her 24th birthday. It's the first one she didn't spend on stage since she got here.
That turned out to be a one-off event, and took another four months before he started to make any headway. It was finally a trip to the zoo and ice-skating afterwards that clinched it. All the fancy evenings out he'd offered were NOT what Rachel was looking for. She could have that any time she wanted. What she yearned for were those reminders of simpler times, away from all the glitz of 'the biz' and something that reminded her of her roots.
She was missing her anchor. She'd known it all long, she just never put a label on it or paid attention to it, lest the idea serve to further torment. Lucas, after numerous failed attempts in the 15 months he'd known her, had finally pieced that much together for himself, no explanations needed.
After 4 months officially dating, she finally told him about her past, and Finn. He understood her sorrow. He accepted that at least for the foreseeable future, there'd always be a piece of her somewhere back there across the pond in the clutches of a tall handsome midwestern boy quarterback turned fireman. Maybe someday that would change, but he wasn't going to push her and he loved her just the same.
And she grew to love him too, though not quite the same. Not as deeply, not as completely. There would always be a guard up somewhere. She only had so much of her heart left to share, she'd be damned if she'd just willingly start giving it all away again, no matter how wonderful or well meaning the guy might be.
.:.:.:.:.
The night before her flight back to the states for the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame Charity Ball, she'd awakened in a screaming crying fit for the first time in nearly two years. Lucas was already away scouting locations so she was utterly alone, left to her own devices to reel her emotions back in and get her pulse rate under control.
She hasn't had this dream in so long… but she isn't all too surprised that it's rearing itself now on the eve of her return to the source (or somewhere in very near proximity to it). She sits in the darkened kitchen at the breakfast bar with a glass of red wine in hand, closes her eyes and lets the memory wash back over her…
McKinley Senior Year…
"Look, uh, I have something to talk to you about, but I want you to promise me that you won't say a word until I'm done. Okay, and I know that's sort of hard for you, so I need you to promise me."
She's never seen him like this before. Whatever he has to say, it's got him spinning a mile a minute and more on edge than she's seen since sophomore year when he'd thought he was going to be a teenage father.
"Okay, I promise."
He perches her on the stool that's rooted to the stage in their personal Jerusalem and stands before her with visible trembling nerves. He takes a few cleansing breaths, smoothing his sweating palms down the tops of his jean clad thighs then begins:
"Um, I just feel like, all my life, I've been, you know, wondering if I was gonna be as much of a man as my father was. Now, all of a sudden, I'm up at night worried that I'm gonna become the man who he was. Let's face it, I got, I got 'high school hero, life zero' written all over me."
He pauses for the briefest second and locks eyes with hers, and suddenly his jitters seem to be subsiding. Suddenly she's the anchor in the room calming him.
"You. You're like a beacon of light guiding me through the darkness. You're like this big gold star, and for some bizarre reason, you chose to let me love you. And... I feel like if I can just convince you to let me keep doing that, I'm going to be okay. Everything's going to be okay."
The next thing she knows he's reaching to his back pocket and pulling forth a small black velvet box.
"Uh… I opened up my first c-credit card to get this. I know it's not a swimming pool full of dancers or a tux or… it's not very big, but it's a promise… promise to keep loving you for the rest of my life. All you've got to do is say yes. Rachel Berry… will you marry me?"
Three days later she'd said yes, with the caveat that they postpone the ceremony until after college. They spent months discussing every detail – a small, private civil service in Central Park under a canopy of trees at dusk surrounded by their very closest friends and family, followed by whatever crazy over the top production of a reception Kurt chose to whip up. If they could save enough, a trip to the Florida Keys would serve as the perfect honeymoon destination.
But of course, none of it ever happened and perhaps was destined to fail from the moment she said yes. Their relationship had been so tumultuous over from the very beginning; a clash of cultures, two very different people from two very very different worlds. Opposites in so many ways yet they complimented one another, completed one another. Still, they each had their own insecurities and stubborn streaks and ultimately that would be their downfall. Sometimes love just wasn't enough, she'd eventually conceded.
