Bella hadn't found the first appointment at Seattle Children's helpful. She didn't want to talk about what happened during her time with Charlie. It was all too much, too raw for her to even discuss out loud.
Instead, her and the therapist spoke about general mundane things. What books Bella liked, where she liked going for walks, what she did back in Phoenix. It was a nice distraction, but Bella felt she could have had a conversation like that with the Cullens, and with Esme in particular.
Esme was waiting for her in the corridor of the pediatric outpatient department once the session was over.
Bella walked over to her slowly, still hesitant to get too close to people or be touched, but she craved desperately for Esme's motherly touch. Instead, she wrapped her arms around herself for comfort.
Esme smiled at her softly. "How did it go?"
Bella shrugged. "It was okay. Do I have to keep going?"
"It will be for the best, dear." Esme reassured her. "Once we're back in Forks, it will just be virtually. The professionals feel it will help."
Bella didn't bother to argue. Although she felt the sessions were unnecessary, she couldn't bring herself to go against Esme.
"Renée is going to come over this afternoon. She will be heading home soon now we've decided to return to Forks earlier than planned." Esme told Bella as they made their way to Rosalie's car.
Bella simply nodded as she waved to Rosalie who was in the driver's seat. Rosalie smiled back.
Bella climbed into the backseat whilst Esme got in the front. "That's okay. It will be nice to see her before we go back."
The rest of the drive home was quiet, and Bella tried to block out thoughts of Charlie. Silence wasn't easy for her, as it made her mind wander.
She was thankful that Rosalie had opened up to her about her past, and it made her feel optimistic that she would get through this. She hadn't been through the exact same as Rosalie, but she knew they related on some level. She felt the most comfortable around Rosalie, with Esme coming in at a close second. She longed to be close to Edward, but it made her frightened. She knew he wouldn't hurt her, but her body protested regardless.
"Bella?" Rosalie tapped lightly on the car window before opening Bella's door. "Are you alright?"
Bella realized they were back at the house now, so she quickly got out. Her balance was a little shaky, but she managed to get to the house without falling over.
"Should we get your feed sorted before Renée comes over?" Rosalie suggested.
Bella nodded, following behind Rosalie as she made her way to the stairs.
Bella settled herself on her bed as Rosalie went over to the dresser to retrieve all the feeding supplies.
Bella had considered learning how to do the feeds herself, but a large part of her was still struggling to care about her health. She didn't particularly want to die, but she didn't want to live either. She didn't want to eat or drink, and sometimes the thought of it made her nauseous. She wasn't sure if she could be trusted to manage her nutrition herself, and the tube was keeping her weight stable for now. Carlisle was working with the dietician at the hospital to slowly increase her caloric intake without causing damage, which meant weight gain was slow.
"Am I okay to start, Bella?" Rosalie asked, lightly touching Bella's hand to get her attention.
Bella pulled herself out of her thoughts and nodded quickly. "Of course. Thank you."
Rosalie smiled and started the water flush, before moving on to the feed. "Renée will be happy to see you."
"Yes." Bella murmured. She was nervous to see her mother, especially after the suicide attempt, but she was also looking forward to it. Bella hoped it would give her mother closure so she could get back to her life with Phil. She didn't need to be worrying about Bella, and there was no need for her to stay around Seattle or Forks.
"All done." Rosalie disconnected the syringe and clamped the feeding tube. "I need to flush some medications through. Are you okay with that?"
Bella didn't answer for a few moments. She was accepting some pain relief for her pain, and there was a range of other medications the hospital had prescribed that Bella was a little hesitant about. She had tried to be more cooperative over the last couple of days, but it was really hard for her to accept help and feel like she was worthy of it all.
Eventually she nodded, sighing in defeat. It was best to let Rosalie give her medication now, otherwise she would end up having to fight Carlisle on it later, which was something Bella wanted to avoid.
Carlisle was slowly showing Esme how all the medical stuff worked, but until then, Bella only felt comfortable with Rosalie being that close to her. Carlisle tried each day, but Bella was terrified of men at the moment, although her rational brain told her they would not hurt her.
Bella was really trying to make an effort with the Cullens. She really cared about them and considered them family, and they had done so much for her. She just couldn't help but get consumed by thoughts of Charlie and the memories of everything he had put her through.
"Bella." Rosalie's sharp voice cut through Bella's thoughts as she felt her move her hand down from her face. Bella had subconsciously gone for the feeding tube.
"Are you alright?" Rosalie smiled gently. "We're all done here. It won't be long, and Renée will be here."
Bella nodded mechanically. She started packing some of the stuff she had - although it wasn't much - into a suitcase whilst she waited for her mom to arrive.
When she heard the doorbell ring, she slowly made her way downstairs. Emmett, Jasper and Edward were nowhere to be seen. Alice had moved outside to the garden where she was looking through a magazine. Bella guessed they were giving her some quiet time with her mother, though Esme, Carlisle and Rosalie remained.
Carlisle answered the door as Esme went to the kitchen to fetch some drinks and a plate of cookies. Rosalie lingered silently by Bella's side.
"Renée, Phil." Carlisle greeted them as he let them into the house. "How are you doing?"
Bella stiffened as they joined them in the front room. Her body involuntarily started to shake slightly, and she moved closer to Rosalie.
She tried to push the irrational thoughts that Phil was going to hurt her out of her mind, but her body was having the opposite reaction to her brain regardless.
She moved to sit on the couch with Rosalie, almost clinging to her side as Renée and Phil took the opposite couch.
"Bella, how are you doing sweetie?" Renée was beaming; her eyes childlike. She looked like she wanted to scoop Bella up into a hug but thankfully restrained herself.
"I'm alright." Bella murmured; her eyes glued to Phil as she spoke to her mother. "I will be better when I go back to Forks and can start getting back to normal."
Renée frowned slightly but didn't comment. "We can talk on the phone as much as you need, sweetie. It's no issue at all. If you ever need me to come visit, we can make something work. Take care of yourself, alright?"
Bella was tightly twirling her hands in her lap, trying to not envision getting injured by Charlie. Trying not to imagine Phil in his place.
The visit was fairly short, and Bella felt reassured that her mother had some closure before she left Seattle. She knew Phil would take care of her, and she would be able to speak on the phone to her whenever she needed.
She breathed out a sigh of relief when they left, immediately drawing her knees to her chest in comfort.
"Take a few deep breaths, Bella." Carlisle told her softly. "You're absolutely safe, I promise."
Bella nodded. She was close to a breakdown, but she was trying hard to hold it together.
"I'm alright." She muttered softly after a few minutes of trying to control her breathing.
Bella wasn't sure if she was trying to convince Carlisle she was fine, or herself. Nothing felt alright anymore.
