Hi everyone!

Just wanted to drop by really quickly and wish you all a wonderful year ahead of you! I hope you get to spend it doing what you love, being with the people you love, and most importantly of all, loving yourselves, in any way that works for you! I hope you all will continue to hang around here, and I am so, so grateful for your kind words with each upload!

Irina C, thank youuuuu! Love you too for always being there!

isabel97811, i can assure you, a lot will happen. Soon enough, i promise!

pjwalterman, hang in there just a couple more chapters, things will no longer be a secret soon :)

Just-kiwi, we all know Dimitri will find a way, he's a smart guy

Love you all lots!


CHAPTER 29 - Cannabis? No one calls it that anymore, grandpa

Rose's POV

He comes to open the door.

He might have managed to change his voice on the phone, but his face says otherwise.

"You were sleeping."

"No, I wasn't," he denies it and drags me inside his room.

"Dimitri…"

He closes the door behind me and ignores my scolding attempt.

"What's keeping you awake?" he asks as he leans against the wall.

"Nothing much."

With a frown, he sniffs the air, then leans in closer to give me a sniff. The conclusion he reaches makes him frown harder.

"You smoked cannabis?"

I burst out laughing. "Cannabis? No one calls it that anymore, grandpa."

"Did you?" His crossed arms and a harsh tone tells me I'd better be honest about it.

"Maybe…"

"Rose."

"Come on, don't be so obtuse. It's not so illegal anymore." he keeps on staring at me. "Okay, I did. I smoked that shit. I'm sorry, okay? Do you want to take me to the police or can I sit down?"

"Let's go," he sighs.

"Go where? To get me arrested?" because I totally see him capable of this.

"Sit. Can I give you something? I could make some tea."

"Sounds lovely."

I sit on his little couch, while he prepares the tea, and in that silence, I take my time to think how all this might look from his perspective. So, when he puts the cup of tea on the table in front of me, I reach my hand out and stop him before he walks away.

"What?"

"I'm sorry. Honestly. I didn't mean to upset you with the pot thing. I didn't do it on purpose."

"Why did you do it then?"

"I just… I didn't do it to have fun or to try new stuff and all that. I am all for that, but drugs have never been my thing. But I was having the worst migraine and I couldn't get rid of it. Nothing worked all day long, and Adrian told me to try it and-"

"You listened to that drunk?!"

"That drunk knows what the fuck I'm going through," the tension in me makes me snap. I know he doesn't stand Adrian much, but he has been a real help to me with all this Spirit shit, and it pisses me off he doesn't see that.

"What are you talking about?"

"You know he uses Spirit. And it fucking eats you from the inside. It drives you mad. And if I do it, if I use Spirit, I… it gets worse. And it all gets dumped on you. I'm messing you up."

"No, Rose. You're not."

"Don't I? Then how come you got so out of control, right now, after what I did to you?" I wasn't planning on approaching this subject so early, but I got worked up. And instead of avoiding it, like we've done for far too long, it's better to go head first, right?

"No, I was mad and-"

"And? You took it out on that guy? Just like that? You just decided to go fight Strigoi illegally on a whim?"

"I didn't... I didn't mean to, but…"

"But?"

"I just couldn't think straight, that's all."

"And you're telling me it is not something dark and bad about that? Something that I did to you? How come you, the god of self-control acted like that, just after I did that shit to you? Tell me."

"Self-medicating like that is not the solution," he changes the subject completely. "It won't help either of us, even if Adrian is right."

"You're obviously not avoiding the answer." And he won't give me an answer about what he thinks it's going on either. "And what do you propose I do? I have to keep it under control somehow. You know those migraines are killing me."

"I don't know. But we can think of something that doesn't involve cann- pot, or god knows what other substances."

If he can change the subject, so can I.

"What we really should be thinking of is to find a way to get you out of my fucking head. Like right fucking now. I think it's enough I'm passing this madness to you, you don't need to… suffer with me or something." It still haunts me, that night when he told me that he could see my nightmare. What else can he see? What times of the day is he with me and I have no idea of?

"Maybe we could find a way to get that word out of your vocabulary too while we're at it."

"We have bigger problems than my colorful vocabulary right now."

He smile reassuringly, and finally, he takes a seat on the couch.

"Yes, we do, and we'll take them one at a time."

Seeing that no matter how much of a bitch I am he doesn't respond the same, it disarms me.

"Oh, Dimitri, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring more trouble in your life. I was annoying enough without this Spirit thing on our heads."

"Hey, don't worry. We'll figure it out."

I really want to believe him, but I have a hard time doing it.

I focus on the warmth of the cup in my hands, and I look in the distance, at the neatly arranged shelves of books. I wonder how he got his passion for westerns.

I even forgot about his existence as I was making up stories in my head about a little Dimitri, hiding under the covers with a lantern, only so that he could cram in one more chapter before going to sleep.

"You know, it feels weird to see you this calm. Not all over the place and talking about ten things all at once."

"I've been silent for just a second, comrade."

"It has been five minutes, in fact."

And I think he's right. My tea has gotten colder in that supposed second.

I look at him and smile, hoping he wouldn't ask me where I was all this time.

"It does feel weird to be this calm." I heard that smoking could make you chill, but this is so not my vibe.

"Let's talk then," he proposes, and I might ask him why he proposes this, but I'm afraid I'll lose the opportunity.

"About?"

"About anything."

"Anything?"

He nods. "You pick."

"Hm… Let's talk genetics," I say, wanting to be a smartass, thinking I got him in a pickle.

"Okay. What about that?"

"I don't know. It seems weird, right? Like, it's Russian roulette with it."

"In fact, it's more like mathematics."

"Oh really? So you're not only a badass guardian, you're a geneticist now?"

"Not really. But I studied some biology in high school. Didn't you? Don't they use the same curriculum as they always did?"

His comment makes me smile. "I don't like theory much, I thought you already knew that."

He smiles too, but I'd dare say it's a playful one. "So you're better at the practical part of biology?"

His remark makes my cheeks burn, and I would say something in return, but it would turn our discussion into a flirting session, and I don't know if I'm up for that.

"Okay, I confess - I sucked at biology, both in theory and in practice. But do tell me. How does that work?" an educational talk would definitely stray my thoughts away from the comment I wanted to make.

He gets deep into explaining to me about the Mendelian inheritance, but I am afraid I cannot wrap my mind around it, not fully, and not in this state, even if he is describing it like to a five-year-old.

Silence follows when he's done.

"You pick a subject now," I continue the conversation before he decides to give me a test on what he just told me because, from one point, I was just happy to listen to his voice, not actually process what he was saying.

"Tell me about your art."

"My art? What about it?"

"Tell me… how do you see the world that you paint such things?"

"Oh, I don't know. I just… it comes to me in colors, I guess. I get this feeling and… put the colors on the canvas. I know that's not a good explanation, but that's what I do."

"What about May?"

Fuck. "What about it?"

"What's the feeling behind it?"

"I… is it okay if I don't want to talk about it?"

"Sure. You don't have to."

"It's not that I don't… it's just that I painted that in a time in my life when…" I shrug. I don't even know how to describe that time in my life. The worst wouldn't do it justice.

"A time you don't want to remember?"

"Yeah. Something like that."

"It's alright, you don't have to talk about it. I'm not going to pressure you."

"Thanks, comrade."

I don't know for how long we sit in the silence that follows, but somehow, I now have my legs in his lap and he is caressing my calve as he's looking in the distance, distracted. I don't remember how I got into this position, but I like it a lot.

"The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle, you knew that?" This stupid thought passes through my head, and I say it out loud in the next second, making him look toward me once more. Meeting my eyes, he smiles.

"No, I didn't know that."

Some more silence fills the space between us, but then again, my words fail to be processed by my brain before I speak them out.

"Hey, you."

"Yes?"

"Why do you always wear black?"

"What?" He says, sounding upset.

"I didn't mean it in a bad way. I just… I've never seen you wear anything but black, and I was wondering if there was a reason for it."

He looks at me like I've asked him why is the earth round, then shrugs. "It's practical."

"It makes sense, Mister Guardian." I punch his thigh with my foot, and smile, but he doesn't reciprocate it.

"You only see the boring part of me."

"Is there a side that's not?" I continue my joke, but he still doesn't appreciate it.

"You know I do have a life aside from being a guardian, right?"

"Of course I do. But it seems to me that all you're doing in your free time is to work and work some more." When he's not entertaining Tasha, anyway.

He seems to think about something, then nods. "I think I used to have more fun before."

"Like what? You were reading more?" He curls the edges of his lips, displeased with my remark. "Sorry. I'm a judgmental bitch. I must admit that there could be an appeal to books, when they're not educational."

"Is that so?"

"Well… I might have wanted to know why you're so hyped about those westerns and… I kind of borrowed one of yours," I let my voice die down as I acknowledge my crime.

"So you're the one who stole my book."

"To my defense, you left it in the wild and anyone could have taken it. It's just a coincidence it was me. But you shall know I intend to return it when I'm done with it."

"What do you think about it?"

"It's kind of good."

"Wait until you get to the end of it."

"Wait. You're reading that a second time?"

"I've read it a couple more times than twice."

"Why is that?"

"It's one of my favorites."

And somehow, the prospect of reading one of his favorite books, makes me feel closer to him in some way, just by knowing this little part of him. Yes, call me delusional.

"So... how did you use to have fun before?" now that he started talking about this, I am not letting go of the subject that easily.

"Why is that so important to you?"

"Dunno. I heard all these stories since you were younger, since you were a kid, and all the stuff with Ivan, and there was Tasha talking about that billiard thing and it made me wonder what happened to you that you don't seem to enjoy many things anymore. I know it's not my place to say such a thing, and please scold me if I stepped out of line, but…" but I wonder what made him this hard. This closed off.

He takes his time to think about it, and I am ready to not get an answer. But it eventually comes.

"I don't know what happened. It just did. I guess life just happened and my priorities changed." I nod and after another minute of silence, he adds: "But you remind me of that time. When things were simpler."

That makes me smile so big that my cheeks hurt. "Do I?"

He smiles too. "Ivan used to do some of the stupidest things and he would always include me."

"And you kind of liked it."

"I did. I liked it a lot, in fact."

"So it means you like it when I do stupid stuff too?" He tries to hide the corners of his mouth turning into a smile, but I saw that. "You can deny it all the way you want, Belikov, I am making life more bearable around here."

He just smiles and shakes his head, knowing too well that I will never forget about this.

"But why-" looking at him, I still see him smiling. "What? What did I say?"

"Nothing. Ask away."

"It doesn't matter anymore."

"Hey. Come on. Ask."

"You'll laugh at this if you smiled earlier."

"I won't, I promise."

"Don't you like any color?" after all, in his free time, he doesn't have to be practical, right?

He chuckles. "So, you're asking me which is my favorite color?"

He promised! I get off the sofa and watch him as I cross my arms.

"I was. But I don't want to know anymore."

"I didn't laugh. I just-"

"It's just the same!"

He sits me back down and I ended up closer to him now. He caresses my cheek as he makes me look at him.

"If I would have laughed, that would have meant I found it funny."

"And didn't you chuckle just for the same reason?"

"No."

"Why then?"

"Because I found it… sweet." He shrugs. "No one ever asked me my favorite color."

"But do you have an answer to that?"

"I do." He makes me wait for it for a minute, and I wait, so damned curious. "It's green."

I can't help but scrunch my nose. "I hate green."

"One more reason for us to disagree."

I punch his arm and lie back on my spot. "I'll let it pass." and now that we're back to friendly terms, I voice one of my other curiosities. "You ever did drugs?"

"I did."

"Really? You broke the rules so badly?"

"Is it that hard to believe?"

"At times. You keep yourself to such high standards… but maybe I should remind myself you were young too once."

His brows furrow. "I'm not that old."

"Sure, Mister Cannabis. Lie to yourself." We both smile, but I get back to serious. "When?"

"At seventeen. It was a stupid choice."

"What did you take?"

"Molly."

"Wow, that's a hard drug for the first time. How did that feel?"

"Like… life was too good to be true."

"Did you like it?" I think I would. I haven't felt like life was good in a long time.

"It seemed too happy. Too fake. So no, I didn't like it."

"Well, who would we be without our bad times, right?"

"I guess so."

In the next minutes, I'm left with my thoughts and…

"Dimitri…"

"Yes?"

"Why do you put up with my shit?"

"What?"

"I showed up high and drunk at your door and-"

"You've been drinking too?"

He fought the instinct of getting up and scolding me from up there, still, his demeanor changed.

"That's everything you heard from what I said?"

"Of course not, but-"

"I'm not wasted. I just… It doesn't matter, what I did. Just answer me. Instead of sending me away, you welcomed me inside. I can't figure out what is going on. Why are you here? I mean, it's your room, that's why you're here, but why am I here? Why did you answer at 3 a.m.?"

"Why did you text?"

"Good one. I don't… I don't really know, Dimitri." I don't know why I keep on coming to him when I know so damned well I shouldn't.

"I thought you needed me. As you said, it's 3 a.m. I thought something happened to you."

"Yeah. In some way I guess I did need you. I was feeling… sad. Really sad."

"About what?"

"I don't know anymore," my voice cracks as that feeling washes over me once more, and I look away, not wanting him to see my eyes teary.

"Come here." I shake my head. "Come, Roza."

And I go. I let him take me in his arms, and he holds me, soothing my hair.

"Talk to me."

"I got so sad… I don't know why. But it feels like so much. Too much. And I don't know what to do with it. I don't know where to put it. I can't make it leave."

"Can you see it?"

"See what?"

"That darkness you keep on talking about. Can you see it in me? In you?"

"No. But I don't know if I want to see it. It would make things more real. It would make what I'm doing to you-"

"Hey, don't. You're not doing anything to me."

"We both know that's bullshit."

He tilts my head up by the chin. "Your head still hurts?" Isn't this man the best at changing the subject?

"Not really. But I'm starting to feel somewhat hungry."

"I don't really have anything to eat in here. Not anything you'd like anyway."

"Oh, it's okay. You don't have to worry about that."

Still, he gets off the sofa and searches for something comestible by my standards. But as I watch him wandering around the room, the room starts spinning.

"Dimitri…"

"What happened?"

"If I think about it, I don't feel too well."

"What happened?" he rushes to me and kneels before me.

"I feel dizzy."

I close my eyes and rest my forehead on his shoulder.

"Easy, take it easy. Breathe, okay? And if it doesn't go away, the bathroom is a few steps away, alright?"

But no matter how reassuring he is, I'm scared, for whatever reason. And from that to me crying, it doesn't take too long.

"Hey, hey, hey, what happened?"

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I fuck everything up."

"Roza. Hey. It's not your fault, okay?"

"The fuck it's not."

He lifts my head and wipes my tears with his thumbs.

"It's not, and I will argue with you until the end of days. Now tell me, how you're feeling?"

"Like shit. And I think I'm going to puke."

"Come on. Let's get you to the bathroom."

In there, I spill my guts and he holds my hair as best as he can with one hand, as the other soothes my back.

He then gives me some water and helps me calm the dry heaving that follows.

Soon enough I'm lying on my belly on the sofa and Dimitri takes a seat on the ground, next to me, and if I tilt my head a little, I can look into his eyes.

"Do you plan to spend the whole night down there?"

He nods. "I think it's the best choice for now."

"You should go to your bed. I'll be fine."

"Ten more minutes."

"I promise I won't do this anymore. This self-medicating thing. I know it's not good for me. For you. I didn't mean to upset you."

"I'm not mad. I just wish I could help you somehow."

"All you do is help me."

"Somehow it still doesn't feel like enough."

Dimitri's POV

I wake up when I hear her move and now she's sitting on the sofa, looking in the distance. And I don't know what she is seeing there, but she looks frightened.

"Rose? What happened?"

She doesn't respond. She just continues to look at nothing, like in a trance.

Oh, god, not again.

"Rose? What happened?" I try once more.

"I'm lost," she says, and I don't know what to do next. After all, it's the first time she speaks to me while she's like this.

"Lost where?"

"It's so dark. I want to go home. I miss mum and dad. But I can't go back. It is following me and I can't bring it with me."

"What is following you?"

"It makes me want to die. I can't fight it. I need to get it out."

"How?"

"I want to cut it out. But I can't. Because I'd be hurting him."

"Hurting who?"

"Dimitri. I care about him so much, but I keep on hurting and disappointing him, and if I do that… I can't hurt myself, but god, I want to. I want to get it out."

And with that, she lies back on her side and closes her eyes.

"Oh, Roza…" I place the blanket back on her and she welcomes it, snuggling under it.

We can't continue like this. And I cannot ignore what she just told me. I cannot hide this anymore from Ivan. At least not all of it.

Rose's POV

When I wake up, it doesn't surprise me to still see Dimitri on the floor, sleeping with his head propped against the sofa. There went his ten minutes.

I move as silently as I can, and I manage not to wake him up as find a pen and paper to leave him a gratitude message and an apology for being a nuisance once more. Sneaking out the door was a little trickier, but I reached my room without anyone noticing where I left from, and that's a win. Thank god for waking up so early.

As our unspoken tradition says, I meet Ivan for breakfast, as he's around these days.

"Let's go out tonight," is the first thing he tells me.

"Why?"

"I want us to. Does there have to be another reason?"

"Is this a date?"

"Of course not. Friends don't go on dates, silly. But you still have to dress up nicely."

"Okay…"

I am still finding this suspicious, but maybe disconnecting from everything here could help me a little, so I let Ivan put his plan into action.

As Ivan asked of me, I dress up nicely, and I won't lie, I'm impressed when I see Mikhail pulling up the car in front of the fanciest restaurant in town. But the thing is that my dumbass companion thought that his charm could get him through anything in life. Well, newsflash, it couldn't get him past the three-hour waiting list of the restaurant, as he thought he was above making a reservation. And not that I'm complaining, I'm just finding it really funny. I'm perfectly content with the place we ended up eating at, a family-owned fast food place, that was kind enough to whip up a table for us outside their already packed restaurant. We looked like complete fools sitting out there, in our fancy clothes, eating burgers and fries, but I enjoyed every second of it. Only the weather was against us a little, but Ivan was a sweetheart and kept my hands warm with his magic.

Walking around town, we start to tell each other anything and everything, and I find out even more about how close Ivan and Dimitri are, I hear more stories from when the boys were young, I find out all the funny things Ivan did and how Dimitri was always trying to cover for him, but this time I open myself up too, and I share a couple of stories about Mason.

I learned how much care Dimitri would take of Ivan, even when they were little boys. Ivan was afraid of the Boogey Man - I mean, when you are little and you hear of Strigoi, who wouldn't be freaked out? - and Dimitri would always check the dresser and under his bed before going to sleep. That makes me think of Mase's horror stories, and how we would have this log where we would keep scores of how many times we scared each other with stupid stories and pranks. Mind you, he was beating my ass at that.

It is endearing to hear how gentle some of Dimitri's actions were, like, how at only six years, he was patching up one of Ivan's favorite toys when it got chewed by Pogo, how he would eat the vegetables Ivan loathed eating just so that he wouldn't get punished for it, how he was making sure Ivan always gets the bigger side of a treat, how he would always carry two pairs of gloves in the winter because Ivan always refused to get his, and so much more, which happened over the years.

I learned how Dimitri would help Ivan turn his Fs into As so that he wouldn't get punished by his father, which reminded me of how Mase and I would falsify his mother's signature, so he could go on school trips with me. Mase has always been part of my family, and my parents always treated him as a son, even taking responsibility for him, from paying for such trips to making two lunchboxes for us when we were little.

While I was telling Ivan about one of my adventures in one class trip, I got distracted by a group of people in front of a local, and if I look enough at it, it looks like a fun place.

"Let's go inside," Ivan says and takes my hand, dragging me along, not giving me the chance to tell him it wasn't a must.

We go to sit at the bar, where the only couple of free seats are.

"You shall know I am not buying you booze," he informs me the second the bartender asks us what we'd like to drink.

"I'm not going to ask for it either."

"How come?"

"Dunno. I guess it's better to have a clear mind. You can be more attentive to your surroundings." he chuckles. "What?"

"You sounded a bit like Dimitri."

"Is that supposed to be a compliment or an insult?"

"Take it as you want it. But I think he has a good influence on you."

"He kind of does, doesn't he?"

He smiles as he leans closer to me. "Don't tell anyone, and especially not him, and thank god he remained at the palace now because I'm sure he would have eavesdropped and I would have gotten my ass kicked for what I'm about to say, but I think you have a good influence on him too."

I laugh. "That's not happening."

"I know him best, so I can tell. You two might have your conflicts, but you're rubbing off on each other."

And if we reached this subject, I have to tell him something. It was hard for me to reach this decision, but it needed to be done.

"Look, Ivan, I know you want Dimitri to keep being my guardian even after we get married, but I can't do that." as expected, he opens his mouth to ask why, and I am not able to tell him the real reasons, so maybe him thinking I still hate Dimitri is the best option now. "We might look like we get along at times, but it's really bad between us. Not all the time, but when we argue, it gets bad."

"Why don't we talk about this when the time comes?"

"Ivan, you can't ignore this subject forever. Our wedding is approaching."

"Are you more eager to get married to me or to get rid of him, huh?"

"You're not going to be serious about it, are you?"

"Not even a bit. Not tonight." I puff and he takes my hands. "Is there something else bothering you?"

"No. Why would you think such a thing?"

"I don't know. Call it a crazy hunch."

"There's nothing bothering me, Ivan. Except for the fact that you refuse to see that this Dimitri being my guardian thing is becoming a problem."

He sighs. "Look. I promise we'll talk this over. But not now. We're out here to have fun, okay?"

"Okay."

And talking about fun…

When we entered this place, we didn't realize it was a karaoke bar. Not until some tone-deaf guy started singing that Thomas O'Malley thing from The Aristocats, with all his damned heart. Because yes, my friends, not only this is a karaoke bar, but tonight they have a theme - Disney songs. And don't ask me how I got myself dragged into all this - Ivan's persuasion skills are insane! It's no wonder Dimitri would cave in and do all the crazy things that passed through his friend's mind - but I get up there with him and from all the songs he could have picked, he chose one I know the lyrics by heart, and so does he.

After being asked to for an encore by the crowd, we entertain them and sing once more The Bare Necessities, and when I get off the stage I cannot stop laughing.

"I cannot believe I've done that!"

"Me neither! But I'm really glad we did."

"Yeah… me too."

"For real?"

"Yes. And thank you for tonight, Ivan. It was fun."


All the fun I had last night with Ivan is gone in the morning. When I open my eyes, I feel grumpy and irascible. It seems like I'm functioning with high highs and low lows lately, and all I want to do is lie back in bed. But I made a promise at a time when I felt better, and I wouldn't hear the end of it if I bailed, so I make myself get out of bed, put on some clothes in order to look remotely human and drag my ass to Adrian's room.

"Fix your aura before you come in here," he jokes when he sees me in the doorframe of his living room.

"Oh, don't serve me that shit. I bet yours looks worse than mine."

"Yeah, you might be right about it," he answers before putting a cigarette to his lips.

"Didn't you quit smoking? Again?" I scold him as I open a window.

"I did. But I've been stressed lately. And instead of going to my alternative stress reliever, I'll stick to this one."

"You're still creeping into Sydney's dreams?" I don't know what's worrying me more - the fact that out of nowhere he seems to have a little obsession with that human, or the spirit that he's abusing lately. But who am I to judge him over the first subject?

"I won't go crazy, okay?"

"Yeah, that answer doesn't provide me with much relief. You're still worrying me. You've used spirit a little too much these days." Especially with trying to show me how to control mine. "Maybe we should take a break-"

"Let's get back to worrying about you, shall we? Tell me what's bothering you."

I let myself fall on his sofa.

"I don't know, man."

He laughs. "Don't serve me that. You do seem to have taken a hard hit today. What happened?"

"I don't know." But I do know. I've known for so long, only that I cannot confess this to Adrian.

He nods. "Plus that Belikov thing going on…"

"Don't make me think about that." but he already made me think about it. "I just want to make things right. Make him normal again or even find out what I did to him. Don't you have like… another set of books?"

"No, little one. But I can try to ask around some more."

"That would be great."

"Then, I propose you go take a nap or something. You look like you haven't slept in weeks."

"I guess I'll follow the doctor's orders," I say, getting up, but he gets up to and stops me from walking away by hugging me.

"Adrian, what are you doing?"

"You know you can tell me anything, don't you?"

"I do," I say as I'm still having my face pressed against his chest.

He pulls a little away and looks at me, like expecting something.

His expectation turns into disappointment when I keep my lips shut, and I hate myself for not being able to tell him. But I cannot tell anyone. It would make it all too real and too unbearable.

Before going to take that suggested nap, I go to Dimitri to talk the schedule for the next day.

But I observe that he seems, believe it or not, anxious about telling me something. I feel it in the air. As we're discussing what I have to do tomorrow, he is circling me, waiting for the perfect occasion to tell me. So I dive right into it.

"What happened? What bad news do you have to deliver?"

"No bad news. I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but…" oh, god. I am not going to take it the wrong way, but it is going to be bad. I brace myself for hearing the worst. "I booked us a therapy session."

Out of all the words that could have gotten out of his mouth, these I didn't expect. Dimitri doesn't even seem the kind of man to believe in therapy!

"So, I let myself be vulnerable around you and you book me a therapy session? That's it? I'm fucking damaged to you? You want to fix me? I'm not depressed or whatever the fuck you think it's going on!"

"Us. I booked it for us. To go together."

"Why?!"

"I can't figure out what happened to us. What is happening to us. What we have going on. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say about it. And you… your dreams and the sleepwalking and all of-"

"I am not going."

"Rose."

"I am not! I don't trust that bullshit, so I am not going. You didn't even ask me! You just made the decision yourself! So you go! Do whatever the fuck you want."

I don't sit around to listen to his reasons, I just book it out of the room. God forbid he convinces me it's a good idea. Because it's not!

But later in the day, it seems like I am still in for a session of convincing because as I am outside, trying to chill on a bench in the garden, he comes to sit next to me.

"If you're silently trying to guilt trip me into this, I am telling you again, I am not going. Nothing you would say will make me go, Dimitri."

"I'm sorry."

"What?" once again, not what I was prepared to hear.

"You were right. I didn't ask. I wanted…" he shrugs, and I finally see how discouraged he looks about the situation. "I wanted to make things right, to help. But I just made it worse. I hurried and… It wasn't fair toward you, and I'm sorry. I know how much you hate it when people decide things for you. I should have known better than to act this way."

"Thanks." I'm really surprised we're not yet yelling at each other. Too bad I'm going to give up on all this, now when we're starting to get along.

"And I'm not going to pressure you to go. Just… if you change your mind, the session starts at five. I am going anyway. I think it could help me… put my thoughts in order or something like that. I want to find a way to do this right. Maybe help you too along the way. I don't know what to do to make it right by myself, and I don't want to mess this up further. I just felt like having a third party would have helped us. I need you to know I didn't mean to insult you. I only had the best intentions. I want us to be good, Rose. I want us to find a way to navigate this new situation we're into."

"I can't go. I understand why you did it, but therapists and I… I don't…"

"It's alright. But maybe… would you want us to talk when I come back?"

"I think that would be a good idea."

Smiling, he puts his hand over mine and gives it a little squeeze. "I'm glad we can do that."


Remember when I said that god forbid he convinces me? Well, I had the rest of the day, until the clock struck five to think about what he said and…

And here I am, in front of the therapist's office, half an hour late, prepared to knock at the door.

He wants, at least, to figure it out. And as it is my fault for this thing happening in the first place, I should too. I remember how affected he was by hurting people, and as it happened because of me, I should take some responsibility for it. I am going to take responsibility for it.

Two minutes later, the secretary knocks for me at the door of the actual therapy room.

"There is someone here to see you, Sir."

Seeing that I lost my previous courage, she pushes me inside. When Dimitri sees me, he gets up in an instant. I didn't think he'd be this surprised.

"I um, hello. I um…" I look at Dimitri for some help.

"Rose, right?" The man talks as he gets up to shake my hand. "I'm Damien. Please come in, and take a seat. I'm glad you decided to join us. You are so welcome in here."

The guy is glowing with happiness to see me. I cannot reciprocate. I loathe his kind.

Still, I sit on the sofa next to Dimitri.

"So, what do you two want us to talk about?" Damien directs his attention toward me right away.

I don't want to talk about anything. Still, here I am. I guess I had a reason when I came, didn't I? And the man is looking at me, expecting an answer.

"I um… you could… just go on with whatever you were talking about when I came in. I don't want to disrupt anything. Maybe I could… pitch in if I have something interesting to say?"

He accompanies his nod with a smile. "Dimitri, would it be alright with you if we continue our talk?"

"Sure."

"Good. And I sure hope you do pitch in, Rose. Because we were talking about you."

"About me, huh?"

"Nothing bad, no worries. It's just that Dimitri was worried about doing you wrong."

"Doing me wrong?"

"Today. When I told you about this meeting," my guardian explains.

"I thought we already got past that. You even apologized and I told you I understand."

"Still. I feel like… I don't want you to feel like I want to control you. It's just that sometimes, I act without thinking much, telling myself it's in your interest. And I've done it a couple of times now."

"I know you're trying not to do that. And that's enough for me. I'm not perfect either. And you've been patient enough with me. It would feel cruel not to do the same for you."

"Why do you think he acts this way?" Damien intervenes.

Oh, I forgot he is here.

"Am I supposed to answer that?"

"If you want to, yes."

"I guess… I can't really know what's in his head, but maybe… if you ever feel out of control in some aspects of your life, you try to compensate in other areas. Maybe you overcontrol some stuff or people around you. Or you do other things, I don't know. I'm no expert."

"You mentioned doing other things. Can you expand on that?"

"Like, I don't know. Stuff."

"Maybe putting yourself in not-so-beneficial situations?"

"What is that supposed to mean?" I am getting defensive, I know, but Dimitri wouldn't do that, except for the Strigoi fighting thing, so I am guessing he is referring to me and I want to know what he's aiming at. "If you have something to say about me, don't beat it around the bush."

"Don't worry, I won't. I was referring to the drinking. The pot. The reckless behavior. Starting fights. Putting yourself in some unfortunate situations."

Damn, he is really taking my advice of speaking freely. But my head snaps in Dimitri's direction. He told him all that?

"So this is what you wanted to do here? Tell him all the shit I do?" I feel exposed in front of a man I don't know and that pisses me off. Still, my words don't come out angry. They come out sounding whiny, because I'm on the brink of tears.

"Rose, it's not like that."

"Then what is it like?" it has only been half an hour and look how far into my messed up behavior they got.

"I can't understand why you are acting that way. And all the times you feel down-"

"Because I wanted to! I act like that because I fucking want to, there's no big, philosophical reason to it!"

"Maybe we should take in a deep breath and try to calm down," Damien opens his mouth again, and I'm close to shutting it with more than my words.

"Don't you tell me to calm the fuck down! Not when you sit there, judging me."

"No one is judging you here. We weren't judging you here earlier. We only tried to find a way to understand you."

"And you obviously did. You two have it all figured out."

"Rose," Dimitri tries to make me more reasonable, but I won't be reasonable.

"What?" I feel hurt. It fucking hurts. I feel betrayed. I thought these were our secrets. He has no right to share them.

"I can't understand why you are doing all that stuff or why all these things happen to you, so I asked for help. I don't want to make things worse for you. I'm just trying to understand."

"You could have talked to me, not go to the first stranger and tell him everything!"

"Would you have told me?" It hits home. He knows the answer. So I turn my anger on the other one present in the room.

"Damien doesn't understand shit! He doesn't even know me! He met me five minutes ago!" and it was a big mistake even letting him meet me.

But he seems to stand his ground.

"So I was wrong to assume that you put yourself in not-so-beneficial situations just to feel like it is your choice to do so? That you want to feel you can have control over them, after you felt so out of control during those days you two were kept hostage?"

I try to keep myself composed so as to not punch him in the guts, and focus on Dimitri once again.

"You're right. I don't think I would have told you why I do all these things. Because I don't really know either." I never considered there was a reason behind what I did, but thinking about it now, I think it starts to make sense. After all, was it fun I was looking for, or feeling in control of myself, of my body? And let's be honest, maybe I didn't need pot to get rid of my headache last night. "You've been acting unlike yourself too," I stupidly try to defend myself by shifting the attention on him.

"I know. I'm trying to figure that out too."

"You know why. It's because of me-"

"We're not putting blame-" I swear to god, if he interrupts me once more…

"But I am to blame for it all…" and even if I loathe it, I just cannot stop my tears from falling. "All the nightmares and the sleepwalking and… Dimitri has to suffer from those too, and it's all because of me." I look to the therapist. "What do I do about it? How do I make it better?"

In my mind, I thought I got him with this question, but I guess I was the one who got played in this situation.

"Why don't you tell me about it first?"

And I have to tell him about it. Of course, leaving out the spirit thing, and with Dimitri helping me to polish things here and there.

Hearing how bad it is, Damien scraps his evening plans and continues to listen. I bet I am a professional treat for him.

When it's all said and done, he gives me a prescription so that I would manage to sleep better from now on, and asks us to come back. Together, or separately, however we prefer. Preferably once a week, but he can accept even looser appointments, as long as things don't get too bad.

We get out of the office, and before Dimitri asks me when we're to set our next appointment, I speak.

"I have one condition for you."

"I'm listening."

"I continue to come here…"

He smiles. "You don't want Ivan to know."

"Yes. I take my pills, I come here and pour my heart out, but you don't tell him."

It is a deal you can't refuse. He wants me to get better and I am taking advantage of that. I know, I'm horrible.

He nods. "I won't tell."

"And I want to come here alone."

He nods once more. "It's your privacy, I understand."

Thank god for patient privacy policies. Dimitri will never know I'm not going to tell this therapist anything more than what he heard today. I made myself a promise once, and I will keep on to it. But I don't think Damien will mind. I already gave him plenty of material to work with. All I need to figure out now is how long I can stretch my visits until it bats an eye to Damien or Dimitri.