Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns Harry Potter. This author knows Lily is not a good person here, she hopes you know she is not a good person here, this story is not condoning bad behavior, just exploring it, if you are uncomfortable you can always stop reading, I won't mind :) Art work by the super talented windbyfire (insta)


Lose Control ~ Teddy Swims

Present Day

James awoke with a start, bolting upright in the damp prison cell. He didn't exactly remember falling asleep, but as the world slowly came to, he understood these were hardly his normal circumstances. Unless I've suddenly taken on the lovely habit of sleeping on basement floors.

A number of things registered all at once. The first was that the room was no longer pitch-black as a single candle had been placed in the corner by the door. This was both a blessing and a curse, because while James could now see blurred shapes, he could also see just how tiny the fucking room was. It was a lot closer in size to that damned closet he and Lily had been trapped together in in 7th year, and he really could have done without this information. He felt the familiar grip of his claustrophobia creeping in, telling him to run, bash, claw, and crawl his way out of here. Obviously, these feelings and this tightening he felt in his throat weren't helping his situation. The second thing he noticed was that his entire body no longer hurt. He didn't know how to explain it, because he highly doubted his injuries had merely been of the 'sleep it off' variety, and yet he'd almost never felt physically better in his life. Even his hand felt good as new, as though someone had cast a spell to heal him in his sleep.

"Lily—" He turned to where she'd just been but found nothing but blanket. "Lily?" he called out more frantically, as though she could actually still be there but his eyesight was merely that terrible. He patted down the blanket in a frenzy, his feelings of panic growing exponentially. "What the fuck, what the fuck—"

A bloodcurdling scream sounded right outside the door.

It was her.

"LILY?!" James yelled, getting to his feet and running to the door. Suddenly the overwhelming need to get out of this damned prison consumed him, but no longer because he needed to leave, but because he had to be there, to fucking save her, to shield her from whatever the fuck was hurting her.

His fists hit steel again and again as he heard a fresh peal echoing in the hall outside, this time accompanied by a male voice he somewhat recognized but couldn't quite place. "What did you tell them? Spit it out!"

"Nothing! I told them nothing!"

"You're lying!"

Fresh screams. Fresh bruises as he did everything he could think of to get his body through the door, the wall, fuck, he'd go through the ceiling if he had to.

"What did they tell you? What did you learn?!" the man yelled.

"Nothing," Lily sobbed.

More Crucio, more stabbing pain for both of them. "She's telling the truth!" James screamed, trying to be louder than his love. "I didn't tell her anything! She's telling the truth, stop!"

No one listened to him, and it was only several hours later that the door was cracked open, and Lily's unconscious body was tossed inside. James couldn't have told you anything about who the assailant was, too consumed by catching her and checking for a pulse. Their candle was now dangerously close to running out of wick, and he wanted to make sure he could check her vitals before their light was extinguished.

With shaking fingers, James touched her neck, his heart thudding loudly in his own ears until he felt her weak but steady heartbeat. A sob racked through him, half anguished, half beholden to the tiny miracle that they were both, somehow, still alive.

"I'm sorry," he cried, kissing her already wet cheeks. She'd clearly been crying — just like he had been — before she'd passed out. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." He'd always tried to get her to come to their side. He'd always told her that if she ever did, he'd protect her and no harm would come to her. And yet here she lay, tortured by the very same people she'd defected from, all because he couldn't do his job. All because he hadn't been able to keep his word and keep her safe. She'd finally done the right thing, and he had failed her.

He felt like a monster.

James held her close and rocked them both for over an hour before he cried himself to sleep.


7th Year

"Where the fuck were you this weekend?" Sirius asked as soon as James sat down for breakfast on Monday morning.

"Uh—" James stalled, not expecting his best mate's tone so early in the morning, especially after the whirlwind weekend he and Lily had just shared. Sirius was right: they'd been completely MIA and hadn't come up for air once, asking Skippy to bring them all their meals to the dorm. James had felt embarrassed about this arrangement at first, but then Lily would yank him back in from behind his door, and they would make love once more, and all other thoughts promptly left his brain.

Like thoughts of his friends, his practices… his schoolwork. Shit, don't I have a test today?

"The team thought you'd died. You didn't open the bloody portrait door and you've been hoarding the map — which belongs to all of us by the way — all fucking year, so I couldn't even check."

Shit. James had sort of hoped that Sirius would forget about the map. It wasn't like he could give back evidence that showed that James and Lily's dots hardly ever disconnected inside the privacy of their home. He'd have to mess with it tonight before handing it over — maybe by removing the Head suite entirely. "Course, I'll give it back. Sorry."

"Well?" Sirius demanded, as if James had only scratched the surface of his inquiries. "What the fuck happened?"

James looked to his other friends panicked. Peter was looking at him curiously; but oddly, Remus looked almost as mortified as he did. He'd already had his suspicions, but with startling clarity James now realized: Remus knows. "I told him not to worry," Remus began, giving James a significant look. "You were really shaken from losing that duel in class, so I figured you got yourself sick from stressing over it and were licking your wounds in shame."

Bless him. Moony was giving him a believable out, and James would be a fool not to take it. "Yeah. Plus I think I got food poisoning."

Sirius' brows shot up his forehead. "What?" Fuck, he'd oversold it. Sirius leaned over the table and whispered solemnly, "You don't think it was Evans again, do you? Poisoning you to try to finish you off?"

Oh, she'd finished him all right. Plenty. "No," James said, ruffling his hair. "I was upset about the duel like Moony said and rifled through my trunk for comfort food. I guess I just don't clean it out that often. Who knows how old that candy was — perhaps still from 1st year."

Peter winced. "An all too common mistake." Thanks buddy.

"Gross," Sirius replied, thankfully looking convinced. "Next time, just answer your damn mirror." Crap, James had stuffed the magical two-way device far beneath his clothes in his closet too. The last thing he needed was Sirius somehow overhearing all his escapades with Evans. "You're all ready for tonight though, right?"

James nearly dropped the spoon he'd only just picked up. "Tonight?" What were they talking about? Surely they didn't have anything planned for Lily's birthday as well?

Sirius rolled his eyes, obviously so over his best friend. "It's a full moon, Prongs."

Fuccccck. If the world could just chill out for a second and expect a little less out of him, that would be great. At this point it felt sort of disrespectful that it continued to spin when he and Lily wanted to stop time for a bit to get completely lost in one another.

James knew the moments they shared that weekend were special. If sex before had felt good, it was nothing compared to what it was like after they'd realized they were both in love. Every touch felt more magical, every sigh and whisper more holy, hell, even the food they ate together on the floor, bodies too overtaxed to move to their couch in the common room, had never tasted as good.

James loved love. And he knew their love would be able to withstand a little bump in the road like him having to miss her birthday tonight. She'd probably have to spend it with her friends anyway if they wanted to remain a secret. (The one good thing that had come from the duel was that Lily had assured James that the Slytherins now suspected absolutely nothing because of the coldhearted way she'd taken him down. Apparently, no 'reasonable man' would accept this type of behavior from a woman he was secretly involved with.)

"I'll be there," James promised.


"Moony, wait up!" James called, running up a staircase to catch up with his friend. He knew Remus had Arithmancy right now, and more importantly, knew that Sirius didn't. "Can we talk?"

Remus looked like he knew what this was about. "Sure. Let's just keep walking."

Wonderful. James thought he'd much prefer having this conversation shoulder to shoulder anyway. There was just something so daunting about having to look Remus in the eye as he admitted to being with a known bad guy. "So you know… right?"

Remus kept staring straight ahead as they passed a stained-glass window of Merlin the Great. "Yeah. I think so."

"How?"

Remus let out a soft chortle. "Well, you've always been obvious—" Rude. "—but before last Friday, I don't think Lily's hexed you in weeks. Least not that I've seen." Aha! So this was on her! For once, she'd been the one who had slipped up! James hadn't even really thought about the fact that her doing nothing with him in public was already her holding back. Maybe he'd been too harsh in his earlier assumption that this covert relationship came easier to her than it did to him. After all, didn't James love her attention, even back when it had been all hostile and violent? A small part of her must also miss interacting with him, cursing him, whenever she could. We've been playing this game for years… "Plus the way you two eye-fuck each other in prefects meetings is highly uncomfortable." Damnit.

"And you're not… mad?" James asked fearfully.

Remus shook his head, taken aback. "No. Who am I to judge?" He smiled at his friend. "I've always known you had a soft spot for monsters."

James wanted to argue with him, tell him that obviously he didn't think of either of them in those terms, but he knew there'd be no convincing Remus. That means he thinks she is one too though…

"And how could I ever be mad at you for believing in the best in people?"

James let out a secret sigh of relief that even he didn't know he'd been holding in. "So do you think Sirius suspects anything?" They'd reached the classroom door, so James lowered his voice. The last thing he needed was for this conversation to be overheard.

"No," Remus replied, matching his tone as they lingered. "But you know he isn't an idiot. It's only a matter of time until he figures it out. And James?" He looked up at his friend. He'd been staring at the floor, getting overwhelmed by all his complicated swirling feelings. "He won't approve. You know he won't."

Fuck, did he ever.

"Just," Remus adjusted his bag strap on his shoulder, looking uncomfortable, "be careful, all right?"

James scrunched his brow. "Yeah, of course."

Remus sighed, giving him a serious look. "I hope you know what you're doing."

And with that, he walked into his classroom, leaving James even more overwhelmed, but now, a little ticked off too. What the hell is that supposed to mean?


After fumbling his way through a myriad of classes that he hadn't prepared for, James practically skipped back to his dorm, ready to give Lily the gift he'd picked out. After feeling the guilt he'd had over not giving her anything for Christmas, and seeing just how much she loved her cat, he thought a silver charm bracelet (her favorite color) with kittens seemed like a no-brainer. Plus, it would be nice to see her wear it in class, even when she couldn't publicly acknowledge their love.

He grinned, thinking back on their day. Either Lily was feeling extra special as a birthday girl, or she was also still living off of the high of their weekend, because even though they couldn't talk during class, she hadn't been able to help herself between classes, unexpectedly dragging him behind a tapestry for a midday snog. James had strut down the halls with the biggest smirk after that. His girl was insatiable, and he loved her.

James found Lily on their balcony now, overlooking the grounds holding a martini glass with a curious, mercury-colored liquid inside. She was sloshing it in a circle, the contents thick and coating the glass, before taking a tentative sip. It was so beautiful out here, with the snow-capped Scottish mountains in the background glowing with the setting sun, and James had no idea why they didn't come here more often. He watched Lily pull her cloak tightly around herself and remembered, Oh yeah. Because it's cold as shit.

"Whatcha drinking, birthday girl?"

Lily startled with his unexpected presence, but then grinned at him merrily. "The juice of asphodel roots."

"What the fuck?" James cried out, jumping to action and slapping the glass out of her hands, sending it plummeting hundreds of meters down over their balcony ledge.

"James!" Lily exclaimed, looking over the banister, squinting to the ground below. "That could kill someone!"

"Lils, that drink could kill you! The roots are poisonous—"

"I know that, you idiot! I'm a Potions prodigy, remember?"

Huh? "Then why were you…?"

Lily snorted, turning back to him when she was assured that her martini glass hadn't murdered anyone upon impact. "I'm building up my immunity."

"On your birthday?" He realized it was a stupid question as soon as he said it — but the fact remained. He felt like someone's own birthday was a terrible day to do such things as poison oneself.

She smiled at him sweetly before getting on her toes to kiss his cheek. "Yes, even on my birthday. Seems like an awfully good day to ensure that I keep living in the future, don't you think?"

James didn't like that answer. "Is someone trying to hurt you?"

"No. Not yet. Aren't you glad you don't have to worry about anyone trying to poison you?" she asked, clearly attempting to breathe some levity into their conversation.

"You did," he deadpanned.

She had the nerve — the bold, brash nerve — to giggle. "Oh yeah, I nearly forgot about that."

James hadn't. As long as he would live, he would never forget dumping his girlfriend and running home to Lily so he could grind himself up against her while she was pinned to a wall — all because she'd slipped him a laced cookie.

And now you're dating. It was funny how life worked. He sighed. "You promise no one is actively out to get you right now?"

She smirked adorably. "I promise. This is purely preventative. I've done it with a couple other potions already."

Of course she has, James thought proudly. Was there anything this witch couldn't do? He wouldn't be surprised if she was immune to all adverse potion side effects by the end of the year. "I got something for you," he told her, pulling a long box from his pocket and presenting it to her, suddenly nervous. He'd never wanted a girlfriend to like his gift this badly before.

The way her face split with delight was reward enough already. "Really?"

He wished he could take a picture of this moment and make it last forever. They'd come such a long way together; she'd opened up so much. The Lily from the start of the year would never show him this much vulnerability and joy. "Of course, I hope you like it." She gave him one more ounce of her megawatt smile before she took the box, opening it excitedly. She gasped as she saw it. "They're just a bunch of little Tigers," he rambled nervously.

"I love it," she whispered, freeing the bracelet and handing it to him. "Could you put it on for me?"

"Course," he said as he did so, beaming with pride as she admired it before wrapping her arms around his shoulders and kissing him. "So what's on your agenda for the night?"

She deflated a bit. "Well, I'm hanging out with Bellatrix and the crew obviously, but hopefully I can sneak off before you go to bed—"

"Actually, I had to tell you," James began unsurely. "I have to hang with the guys tonight. It's sorta an emergency."

"Oh?" Lily asked cutely, tilting her head.

"Yeah."

He knew she wanted to ask, but knew she had so many more secrets than him, and was considering whether it was worth it opening Pandora's box. "But you'll come to my bed when you're done?"

James winced. "Yeah, but it will be at dawn." He knew how this sounded, and it wasn't great. Especially this soon after they'd just turned over a new leaf in their relationship. Everything was still so fragile, so delicate. "I actually have to go soon." Actually, I'm already late.

"Oh," Lily said, pulling back her arms and letting them fall to her sides. "Course. Don't let me keep you."

An uneasy feeling settled in the pit of James' stomach, but he couldn't leave his friends hanging. Not when everyone's safety hung in the balance. He gave Lily a quick peck before he took off with a "Happy birthday."


"There you are, for fuck's sake, Prongs, do we have to put a fucking tracking collar on you?" was the first thing James heard as he entered the Shrieking Shack, his two healthy friends standing at the foot of the bed where Moony was shivering and groaning. It was always such a torturous sight to see him right before transformations.

James got it: he was failing everyone on all sides, even though he was really trying his best here. "Sorry, I got held up."

"By what, the Whomping Willow?" Sirius sassed, gathering steam even though he and Wormtail were already in their skivvies, freezing their bollocks off before they decided to grow their fur coats. Clearly he'd been pissed with James and his absence for a very long time and was ready to blow, needing to yell at him right here and now. "Wouldn't be an issue if you actually came down with Wormtail and me and we could, I don't know, actually do this full moon how we normally do?"

James couldn't stop thinking about the disappointment on Lily's face when he'd left her. She thought he was a terrible boyfriend (can I call myself that?), and honestly, he sort of felt like she was right. Could anyone be a good friend and boyfriend at the same time? It seemed like an impossible task as someone would always feel second best. "I said I'm sorry, all right?" James snapped, yanking his shirt over his head and kicking off his shoes. "I heard you: I'll try to be more present."

"You've been MIA for months, Prongs!" Sirius continued. "At first I thought you just needed space, but now I—"

James stilled, wondering why the hell Sirius had stopped yelling in the middle of his tirade. He'd just turned around to lock his clothes in their lockbox, to keep them safe from Moony's destructive furry tendencies, and now all the hair on the back of his neck was standing at attention. Oh no.

"What the fuck is that?"

James spun around, remembering too late that Lily had scratched up his entire back during their marathon sex sessions this weekend. She'd offered to heal the scars afterwards too, but James had insisted on keeping them, wanting to wear them as a badge of honor, proof that he'd made his girl come so hard that she'd needed to hold on to him for dear life. It had been so hot, so primal, to see her eyes roll back and her lips part with a moan beneath him as he felt her inflict pain on his skin, her body pulsating around him, greedily begging him for more, more, more, but now… He could see what a monumentally moronic idea it had been to keep her love scratches as a memento. Oh, he was such an idiot. "I fell into a bush earlier." Idiot.

"Do bushes have ten fingers?"

Shit, he was so fucked. "It's nothing."

"James Fleamont Potter, are you having sex?"

Wormtail squeaked, long since forgotten by the two other boys who were standing there staring each other down. "Maybe we should transform, guys?"

"It's fucking Evans, isn't it? That's why you've been keeping it a secret?"

"No."

"No wonder you've been so fucked up! All year you've been a fucking zombie, just ambling about, a shell of your former self, and now it makes sense! Is that what she's asked you to do? Is that what she wants? To frigging… I don't know, dull your shine?"

"Padfoot, come on, you're being dramatic—" James tried.

"Fuck off, no I'm not! I've watched you waste away, wondering what the fuck was happening, but never in a million years did I think you'd be so fucking stupid as to actually let that bitch get to you! She's a bloody Death Eater, James! What the fuck are you thinking letting her anywhere near you— do you know what a bleeding heart you are? Have you met yourself? She's using you! She'll chew you up and spit you out and you're letting her—"

"You don't know what you're talking about." James just needed Sirius to stop telling him the truth. It hurt far too much.

Sirius scoffed. "Me? You don't think I know how these sorts of people operate? Really? That's the angle you're going to go with?" Sirius' face shifted so completely it was jarring. "Have you told her about Remus? Have you told her about us?"

"No!" James yelled. "Of course not. And I wouldn't, because we're not—"

Sirius ignored his weak denial. "Of course not because you know that trusting her is a bad idea."

"Pads—"

"Because, deep down, you know that she's a Death Eater—"

"We don't know that," James interjected desperately.

"The fact that she could be isn't bad enough?"

James felt like his mind was spinning at a hundred kilometers per second. "She's trying to get out of that life! I know she is."

The incredulous face that Sirius pulled made James want to die. "Why? Because she told you so? Because she said so while you were balls deep inside of her?"

Fuck. James realized that he'd all but confirmed that she was the woman responsible for his scratch marks by defending her character. That wouldn't do — Lily could get into trouble if word got out. He had to deny. Maybe if he owned up to part of the truth, he could deflect the whole truth."Fine! I'm having sex, but it's not with her!"

Sirius looked as though he'd been slapped. "You've never lied to me before," he murmured.

Sirius sounding wounded cut James so much deeper than when he was mad. James would do anything for him to start yelling again. "I wasn't… I can't—" It felt like the universe had brought the point to its head, making him choose right then and there between the two main loves of his life. It was an impossible decision. Did he betray Lily's trust, or Sirius'?

"If you have to lie about it… doesn't that tell you all you need to know?" Sirius added, and James knew he was twisting the dagger in deeper.

He wanted to yell that he wasn't keeping being with Lily a secret because he was ashamed of her or because he knew it was wrong — at least not anymore — he was doing it to keep her safe! There was a difference! "We just…" He stuffed both his hands in his hair. "It's complicated."

"She's going to break you," Sirius whispered. "She's going to fucking destroy you." He said it with one hundred percent certainty, making James gulp.

"She's not like that. I know her."

Sirius looked at him with nothing but pity. "And I know people like her— people raised just like her. That woman does not know what love is, Prongs. She'll never know."

"You turned out okay," James threw out desperately. His best friend was wrong — he had to be. "You know how to love."

Sirius opened his mouth, his eyes clouding over with some unidentifiable emotion, but was cut off before he could reply. "Guys!" Peter yelled, and his tone made both of them spin around to a very angry looking werewolf, panting right in their direction.

Everyone transformed into their animal form the next instant, but James knew this conversation was far from over.


Next Chapter: Breathe