As a follow-up to my afterword from the last chapter, this story doesn't necessarily connect with Miracles (the one-shot). You could consider them part of the same time-line of sorts if you wanted, or you could pretend they are alternate realities of sorts, since they are separate works.
Personally, I consider them connected. I consider Miracles to happen about 1 month after Laguna breaking the news to Squall, and this story taking place about 1 month after that. Squall understands that he is loved (mostly), but isn't sure how he feels. This story is his journey exploring and grappling with that.
But I loved being able to explain those thoughts, so thank you for the opportunity!
Something frightening had lodged itself in his chest since last night, something that even the bright light of day could not chase away. Even more frustrating was that Squall could not name the emotion. He had thought that maybe, he was finally warming up just the slightest bit to Laguna. Or at the very least, that he was able to tolerate his presence. And yet, the scene from last night played over and over again relentlessly in his mind, leaving him feeling shaky and undone. And Laguna acted as if it had never happened. The man was infuriatingly unflappable, it seemed. He'd greeted him a good morning, chatted with him, made his usual attempts at banter. At some point he'd gotten the hint that Squall wasn't feeling very sociable, and seemed willing to give him some space. But he didn't appear the least bit nervous about any of it. He'd just continued on like everything was normal.
Was Laguna… okay with that? With having a son that barely spoke to him? For some reason that upset him even more. How could the man go from treating him like he was the most precious thing on earth, to being totally fine with acting like they were barely more than strangers the very next day?
This was going to be torture, he just knew it.
Luck wasn't on his side, as he'd guessed- since Ellone's birthday was only 2 days away, Laguna insisted that the two of them go on a shopping trip of their own. Birthday gifts were supposed to be a surprise, the man had said, so Ellone would be spending the day with Kiros and Ward (who were more than happy to play the parts of both bodyguards and doting uncles) while they'd have plenty of time to find her a perfect surprise. And just like that, the glue that was Ellone had dissolved from the space between them, leaving their rough edges to scrape against one another.
At the very least, they both agreed that a bookstore was a good place to stop first. Squall expected Laguna to drag him to some grandiose place, a palatial library full of expensive hardbacks with titles etched in gold. But he'd scoured the side-streets instead until he found a place so unassuming Squall had almost not even noticed it. It was quite the hole in the wall; squished between two larger, nicer looking buildings on a busy street. Nothing like the sleek, elegant buildings that decorated the rest of the town. It was easy for this hole-in-the-wall to go completely ignored. Perhaps that was intentional. Maybe the owners wanted to only attract a certain kind of clientele, the type of person that looked beyond the outer shell, eager to explore less-trodden paths.
He was almost surprised Laguna had found such a place on his own, until he recalled that his father was shockingly perceptive at times.
Walking inside the tiny shop was like entering another world. The very air seemed to still, the chaotic noise from the bustling city outside muffling into far-away sounds. It smelled like dusty old parchment. The lighting was dim, and everywhere he looked was crammed full of towering bookshelves spilling with tomes. There were even stacks of books in the aisles, forming makeshift walls. The store seemed to strech back much further than he'd realized, and Squall recognized immediately why someone would want to shop here. This was a place you could get completely lost in. There was something almost sacred about it.
"I'm sure Elle will be happy with anything you pick her," Laguna said quietly, "But just as a heads-up, she likes fairy-tales, ancient history, and books about other cultures."
Squall nodded.
"I'm gonna take a look around, but I won't leave without you, okay?"
He huffed. Why would he feel the need to say that? It's not like he was some scared little kid.
"Whatever," he shrugged.
Laguna smiled before turning around, but Squall could see that it didn't reach his eyes.
He meandered over to the ancient history section. It seemed an interesting enough topic, and one he felt confident exploring on his sister's behalf. Laguna was probably right that Ellone would be happy with anything he got. After a while, he found himself being sucked in himself. Most of these books seemed to explore topics he'd never even heard of. Settling on his top 3 choices, he began his search for the checkout desk.
The problem being, he wasn't sure where that was. Or where he was. Every corridor of musty pages looked the same to him, and so far Laguna was the only other living being he'd seen in the shop. There was no one around to ask for directions. Well, he'd wander around until he found something, then.
He'd made his way to the fairy-tale section, he thought, because the books here were decorated with bright, innocent imagery. He had no intention of stopping until something suddenly caught his eye.
There was a particular book sitting at the top of one pile, the cover illustrated with a hazy blue night sky and two twinkling stars streaking their way across, leaving a rainbow of tiny sparkles in their wake. The title read, "Two Shooting Stars." He picked it up without really thinking.
And the world around him faded away as a memory sprang to life.
The orphanage is cold some nights, but he doesn't mind; it's a good excuse to snuggle up next to Ellone. Even better is that, most nights like this, she'll read him a book. Seifer makes fun of him and says he's too old to be babied like that, but Squall can't help but notice that no one ever reads Seifer any bedtime stories.
'I have a surprise today,' Ellone says, making her way to the bare-bones shelf, 'Matron brought us a new story to read tonight!'
She grabs the wide, flat book and sits next to Squall up against the headboard, opening it across their small laps. The pages are colorful and sweet looking, but the story makes him sad. It's about two stars that fall at the same time and begin to make their way across the world. But eventually, their paths begin to drift apart. The story ends with a tearful promise to meet again.
It was the kind of book many children needed at that time, in the wake of a war that took many of their loved ones from them.
Ellone explains through her own misty eyes about his parents, in the best way that she can at such a young age. How his mom was an angel in the sky and couldn't come back, and how his dad left to fight a bad witch that was trying to steal her away from them.
'He'll come back, though," she says, gripping his hand tight, "Okay, Squall? Your dad, he hasn't forgotten us, I know it. He went all the way across the world to steal me back from the witch. He just has to make sure she can't come back, and then he's going to come find us.'
It doesn't really make sense to him. He has lots of questions, but he doesn't know how to ask them. Why does a witch want Ellone? How come his dad has to fight the witch? Don't they have armies and policemen to put the bad people away? If mom is an angel, why can't she fly with her wings to come see him? None of it makes sense, but Ellone refuses to budge. He doesn't understand it at all.
He asks her to read him the story again the next night, and many more times after that.
Weeks pass, and he slowly untangles the questions from his mind and asks her each one. He's still not sure he understands, but if Ellone believes, well, he'll try to believe too.
She tells him stories about his dad; about his kindness and strength, and how he made everything fun. And despite his cautious nature, and all of Seifer's insistence that Ellone is making it up, he begins to let himself think that maybe there really is someone out there that'll come and take them away from here. He used to be jealous watching other kids get taken to forever-homes instead of him and Ellone, but now keeps his distance when new grown-ups come. He's waiting for his real dad. Ellone said so.
She squeals like she's gotten a puppy when they're watching some new movie about a sorceress knight and a black-haired man walks on screen. She jumps up and down, screaming, pointing;
'That's him, Squall! That's your dad! It's him!' And Squall believes her even if it doesn't make sense, and even though everyone else thinks she's fibbing.
It's not too long after that that Ellone disappears. Seifer's standing with him in the pouring rain and thunder, gripping his arms so hard it hurts. His voice is cruel and Squall doesn't even consider that it's not just raindrops falling down Seifer's face as he yells at him.
'See?! I told you it was all a lie! Don't you get it?! She said all that just to make you feel better! She's never coming back, and neither is your dad! He was never even real!'
He doesn't want to believe it, but Ellone never comes back, and the black-haired man never shows up.
For a moment, he wondered why the book's cover seemed so blurry, before he realized how hard he was shaking. It felt like he couldn't breathe. Like the room was spinning. Like he was about to break into a million pieces. Wordless thoughts screamed in his head, swirling and clamoring, silent but deafening.
He'd known. Laguna wasn't just some wild card in his life. He wasn't just some... random chance thrown at him too late in his childhood to matter, wasn't just an odd acquaintance that just so happened to be related to him. He'd known his father, even though he'd never met him. He'd known he had a father almost his entire life.
He'd just forgotten him.
"Squall?!" came a concerned voice. "Woah, buddy, are you okay?!"
And Laguna was there in front of him, his eyes searching, hands planted on his shoulders. He tried to look at him, but his eyes wouldn't work. They were glued ahead into the distance, somewhere far away in whatever place his breath must've been.
"Are you sick? Are you hurt?" he asked, and a hand flitted to his forehead for a moment.
He opened his mouth, but no sound came out.
Laguna's eyes flickered to the book for a moment, but of course, it didn't help him make sense of anything.
"Squall, what happened? It'll be okay, just talk to me. ...Squall?"
He felt a thumb sweep across his cheek once more, so achingly intimate that he shattered completely.
The book clattered to the floor, forgotten, as heaving sobs wracked his body. It was mortifying, and yet he couldn't stop it. He covered his face with his hands. He was briefly thankful for the store being so empty; at least no one was around to see him break down like this.
"Wh- hey, hey," Laguna shushed him, slowly pulling him closer. He seemed hesitant. But Squall didn't protest, and so he pulled him closer still, until he could pat his back and hope Squall would accept the gesture of comfort.
"It's gonna be okay," he said softly, "Just breathe, okay?"
But he had no idea, no idea. Nothing was okay.
Laguna seemed to take it as a good sign that he hadn't been slashed to ribbons by the kid, so threw caution to the wind and wrapped his arms around the boy.
The shop was quiet, save for the gasping sounds as he cried into his father's chest.
After few long moments, Laguna spoke again.
"Look, I'm trying not to push you, but… I know that whatever has you this upset, it's gotta be something big, and I wanna help you. But I can't do that unless I know what happened. Can you tell me what's wrong, kid?"
He tried, he really did. But the words all tried to come out at the same time.
"I… you… th-the book, Elle…" he choked out.
He could feel Laguna nod, his cheek tucked against his head.
"The book?" he asked. "The one on the floor there?"
He was still shaking like a leaf, his voice warbled, but he managed to calm himself enough to begin speaking in between giant breaths.
"Elle… u-used to read… it…"
Laguna hummed, urging him to go on.
He continued, a hiccup between each word, "She… would… tell me…"
It washed over him again, like a wave, and his needy lungs gulped in more breaths, barely able to get the next words out.
"A-about… you. I… I... remember… y-you," he heaved.
And it was like Laguna had been punched in the gut, his blood freezing in his veins.
"Squall… Oh, Squall," he said, full of pain, and squeezed the boy as hard as he could.
They stayed like that for some time, and finally Squall felt his breaths slow down and his tears begin to dry. He pulled away from Laguna, dreading having to show the man his face. He wasn't sure why. He just expected… well, he wasn't sure. Something too bright and warm for him to handle. He felt like his heart was rubbed raw; he didn't think he could take much more emotion being crammed in.
But Laguna didn't say anything; didn't do anything, except wipe away his tears.
"Don't… tell anyone about this," Squall said thickly. Gods, he hated how childlike he sounded.
"I promise," he said, and Squall was surprised he seemed to be taking it seriously.
"I mean it. Not even Kiros and Ward, or Sis."
"Squall, I would never. I know… I know things like this are hard for you."
He sniffed.
"I don't even know why I… this was stupid. God," he muttered, scrubbing at his face.
Laguna cupped a hand against his cheek, pulling his gaze to meet his own.
"Hey, there is nothing stupid about any of that. You don't need to explain anything," he said, and Squall realized his eyes were just as red-rimmed as his own. He felt a little less silly.
The man continued, "I know this is all new, and hard. But thank you for telling me, Squall. You were very brave."
And damn it all to hell, he started crying again.
This time, when Laguna pulled him in once more, he hugged him back.
Squall and I have something in common. If we are perceived we will DIE!
In case it wasn't clear, the shock of suddenly remembering such an integral part of his childhood was so overwhelming that the poor guy had a panic attack. If you've never had one, just know that they're… not fun. Especially the first one you have. You think something's horribly wrong, that you might be dying. Hell, I'm surprised Squall didn't have one before in canon.
I hope I did this scene justice. It's been bouncing around in my head for probably a year or two by now. In fact, most of my story has been leading up to something like this. In earlier drafts, I considered Squall panicking after Laguna and Ellone get distracted by something, and Squall gets lost in a crowd and begins spiraling (as is his tendency in canon). He starts ruminating on his abandonment issues, and worries that Laguna and Elle have a bond he'll never be able to be part of. I might still use those concepts later, but this moment, right here… this is the climax of the story, so to speak.
I don't think I did it justice, really, but meh. Fuck it, we ball.
