Remus wanted to tell Sirius and Peter at the end of the day, for no specific reason, except that the end of the day just felt like the right time. He needed the rest of the day just to build up the courage, but he knew he couldn't chicken out because James was already expecting him to tell them. Of course, he knew James would probably understand if he decided not to go for it, because so far he'd been pretty understanding about everything, but Remus needed the motivation. So he told himself that James would be annoyed at him if he didn't tell their friends.
He tried to avoid James that day, not because anything had happened to their friendship; James had been great, and Remus was undeniably grateful for his reaction to the news that he was a werewolf, but Remus also knew that James would still have a lot of questions. Remus didn't want to answer them until Sirius and Peter knew, because then he'd have to keep repeating himself, and there'd be a lot to repeat.
It was another motivation though, because he didn't want to avoid James for long. It wouldn't be fair.
"Hey," Remus said, getting James's attention. It was after dinner, nearly time for Remus to sit Sirius and Peter down, and he wanted to catch up with James just before. They were outside the Great Hall, Sirius and Peter having already gone on ahead, and Remus pulled James into a secluded corridor just off the main one. "Before I tell them I just... I wanted to say thanks."
"For what?"
"For not telling them yourself. You could've, but you didn't. I appreciate it." James fiddled with his sleeve, seemingly unwilling to accept the thank you.
"I... was going to." He admitted. "I just wanted to check I was correct first."
"Oh, well." Remus didn't think it made much of a difference, because James still could have told them, and no matter the motivation, the point was he hadn't. "Even so. I appreciate you keeping it to yourself."
"If they're not okay with it, I still am," James suddenly interrupted. "In case you were worried. You'll still have a friend, whatever happens." Remus was surprised at the feeling in James's voice, and weirdly Remus felt like hugging him, simply because he couldn't believe James was still his friend at all, let alone a loyal one.
"You mean that?"
"Of course I do. I think it's cool you're a werewolf!"
"Well, I guarantee it's not very cool to be a werewolf."
"Right. Yeah, sorry." Remus settled for a light punch on the shoulder to show his thanks for everything, deciding against a hug. A hug was too dramatic, and he didn't want to make this into a big deal, even if it was one.
"Sirius and Peter'll be waiting for us," he said. "We should go." James nodded, and the two walked back together, with Remus mentally preparing himself for the coming hours. He didn't think there was any going back now.
He wished they could find a place in the castle where the four of them could sit and talk without the risk of being overheard. As it went, their only option was the dorm room after everyone else had gone to sleep, which still wasn't entirely risk-free since anyone could come downstairs at any moment. It wasn't safe enough for what Remus had to say.
So perhaps then was as good time as any to find this potential hiding place for them to meet in. And the good thing about Remus's friend group was that he could easily put forward this idea without any questions asked, especially when James backed up the idea as well.
"It would be cool!" he claimed. "We talk all the time, so we need a place to do it in. It would be a place we could work on the map as well." Peter liked the idea, and Sirius agreed to anything that involved sneaking out of the dorm.
"We'll take the map with us," Sirius suggested. "If we come across any new passages, we can draw them in."
So, armed with the map and the invisibility cloak, they set off on another nightly wander, with the end goal being a revelation that one of them was a werewolf.
It was harder to find a good place than they thought, because every room tended to be inhabited at some time or another, and they needed a room that was empty at any moment when needed. If they ever did come across such a room, it would turn out to be a place that was a regular haunt— no pun intended— of one of the Hogwarts ghosts.
They did, however, obtain a wider picture of the Hogwarts layout and came across a few passages they hadn't known about before. They had the map open underneath the cloak, following it closely now that they had deviated from their usual, short routes. Every time they came across a new corridor, Peter was able to quickly sketch it with a pencil he'd bought along with him. Pencils were easier for portability, while he could use a quill and ink later when he had the opportunity to refine his sketches.
One passage they hadn't come across before was entered down a very narrow, winding stairway, which must have passed by the dungeons, but they didn't see any indication of this. There were no windows to see if they were underneath the Great Lake, which was where the dungeons overlooked. Or at least it was where the Slytherin dorms apparently overlooked, according to Sirius.
They found themselves in a thin passageway, unlit, so they had to use their wands. Peter was scribbling frantically behind them as they wandered down the corridor to try and find any doors leading to any rooms. Eventually there was a door, which they almost ran into due to the sparse amount of light, right at the end of the corridor. It wasn't locked, either, which meant it probably wasn't important. That was already a good sign.
They opened the door, and the lights from their wands uncovered a room with even more good signs. It looked completely abandoned. Some old classroom that was no longer used, with tables stacked up at the sides of the room, covered in a thick layer of dust. There was a window in here, and judging by the deep black seeping through, too black to be the normal outside surroundings, it overlooked the Great Lake. So they were in the dungeons. Perhaps this was an old potions classroom.
"This place is creepy," remarked Peter in a whisper. He was still sketching from behind them, and Remus caught a glimpse of a miniature version of the stacked desks on the piece of paper.
"It's perfect," said James. "No one must come here."
"I have no idea how we got here though," murmured Sirius. "Thank god we have the map. You got it down, didn't you, Pete?" Peter nodded.
"Yep. All here. It's not actually that far. I think we walked in circles for a bit before going downstairs."
"We need more light though," added Remus. "It's way too dark even with our wands."
"We can work that out another time," said Sirius. "We just needed to find the place. We can head back now."
"Uh, no, actually..." Remus almost forgot he had to talk to them, which he couldn't believe was even possible since it was practically all he could think about for the past twenty four hours. "I need to talk to you and Peter about something."
"What?" Sirius came forward, while Peter— who was now sitting on the floor in order to rest the parchment against the ground— briefly looked up from the map.
"Well, sit down first and I'll tell you." Sirius sat down next to Peter, while James leant against the nearest wall. Remus sort of stood there as if he were about to conduct a class, which made him even more self-conscious, so he sat down instead, at eye-level to the others and took a deep breath.
"Okay, so... There's something I've been needing to tell you. About... well, James found out about it yesterday, so it's only fair you know as well."
"Know what?" asked Sirius, not taking his eyes off Remus.
"You know the howling that James said he heard from the Shrieking Shack?"
"Yeah." Peter nodded along. Remus took a deep breath in to calm himself.
"It was real," he said. "There really was a howling noise, and it came from a werewolf." He paused for a bit to let the information sink in, and the others didn't speak either. They continued looking at him though, which was rather uncomfortable.
"What are you on about?" Peter finally said.
"Are you just fucking with us?" That was Sirius, and among all the thoughts zooming through Remus's head, he couldn't help but recognise how much Sirius swore nowadays. He didn't used to, what with growing up in such an uptight environment, but two years with Remus had an effect. Remus's vocabulary was rubbing off on him.
"No, I'm not. I promise."
"Are you sure? Because we're in a dark room in the dungeon, perfect place to try and scare us."
"I'm not trying to scare you."
"Did James put you up to this—?"
"Sirius, shut up. He's not lying." James went to sit down as well, his face illuminated by the wand lights. Clearly there was something in his expression that made Sirius shut up, because he turned back to Remus and allowed him to continue.
"I'm not. It was a werewolf. And the werewolf was me. I'm a werewolf." He said it as bluntly as possible to avoid any misunderstanding. It was out in the open now and he couldn't take it back.
"You're... what?" Sirius looked shocked, as was to be expected. Peter just looked scared, which didn't fill Remus with a whole lot of hope.
"I'm a werewolf. I transform every full moon, which is why I'm always in the hospital wing. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, it's just... people don't tend to be accepting of werewolves. I was worried you'd stop being my friends."
"And James already knows?" Sirius turned to James then, who nodded.
"Yeah, I found out last night. I went to the Shrieking Shack and caught him."
"What were you doing there?"
"Long story, not important. Keep going, Remus."
"I don't really have much else to say. I guess if you have any questions?" Which was an understatement. Sirius and Peter must have been bursting with questions, but Peter asked the one question that made Remus suppress a wince.
"Are you dangerous?" His voice was quiet, slightly high-pitched. A sure sign that he was nervous.
"You've known me two years, have I ever done anything to hurt anyone?" They all shook their heads. "I'm not dangerous. Unless I'm in my wolf form but I stay in the Shrieking Shack then and I don't go near anyone. Other than that, I'm still me. I'm just... Remus. You know?"
"We know," assured James, but it wasn't his response Remus was looking for. Sirius wasn't really talking anymore.
"How did you become a werewolf?" asked Peter. "You have to be bitten, don't you?" James smacked him on the shoulder.
"You can't ask that." Peter shrunk back.
"Sorry."
"No, it's alright," said Remus. As much as he hated recalling the night he became a werewolf, he needed to start somewhere. He hoped they wouldn't ask too many questions, because there was rather a lot of information.
"I was bitten when I was five, by a werewolf named Fenrir Greyback."
"I know him," interrupted Sirius, and his voice was even quieter than Peter's. "I mean, I don't know him personally of course, my parents would never let someone like him near the house but—" he stopped, realising what he had said.
"Someone like him?" Sirius backed down immediately, looking more guilty than Remus had ever seen him.
"I'm sorry, I didn't think..."
"That's why I didn't want to say anything. People like your family don't want anything to do with people like me. No one in the wizarding world does. Read any article written about werewolves in any magical newspaper and none of it is good." Remus didn't want to go into an angry rant about the wizarding world at the moment, but Sirius had struck a cord in him. "And it's all bullshit. Fenrir Greyback was an arsehole, but that's just because he was, not because he was a werewolf. He tried to kill people because he's a bad guy, not because he was a werewolf—" Remus stood up roughly and walked to the other side of the room, away from the wand lights. He was surprised to find himself holding back tears, but they were angry tears. He was unleashing things he'd never talked about out loud before, and he needed to calm down before he did something he'd regret.
Sirius came over, not speaking immediately.
"Is that where you got your scars?" He asked, so softly that Remus barely heard it. All Remus did was nod, realising that his friends had never actually asked him where his scars came from until now. They had just accepted them, without question. Sirius rested a hand on Remus's shoulder.
"I'm really sorry," he said. "About what happened to you, and about what I said, and about what people think."
"I'm not dangerous," whispered Remus, praying that his voice wouldn't break. "I'm just a werewolf, and I'm still me. There's nothing different and... there's nothing wrong with me." He dropped his head down, failing to stop the few tears caught on his eyelashes from falling down his cheek. He was still hidden in darkness, but Sirius seemed to sense that he was crying, because he pulled him into a hug, warm and tight. Remus's head was buried in his friend's shoulder, but he forced himself to stop crying. He wasn't about to weep into Sirius's robes in a dramatic display of emotion, he just liked the hug. It was comforting, and it said everything that needed to be said.
Peter and James finally joined them, and the four boys stayed together for a few moments in comfortable silence.
"Shall we go back now?" James eventually suggested. They all agreed, and Peter went to pick up the map while James took out the invisibility cloak to throw over them. Nothing else was said, and nothing else needed to be said. They huddled together under the cloak, with Peter holding the map in one hand and a pencil in the other. James led the group, and Sirius and Remus stayed together at the back. Nothing had changed.
Except… Remus felt Sirius slip a hand into his, squeezing in assurance. It was only a few seconds long before Sirius pulled away, but Remus couldn't stop thinking about it. He couldn't believe he'd finally opened up to his friends about being a werewolf, and he couldn't believe the weight that had been lifted from his shoulders. No more lying to them about why he was in the hospital wing, or sneaking out without them knowing. No more wondering how they'd react if they found out, because it was over with now. And they were still his friends.
Of course, there was nothing fun about Sirius admitting that his family didn't accept werewolves, but by this point that was only to be expected. Basically anything Sirius said about his family made Remus want to wince, and Sirius's choice of words was usually questionable, but Sirius was learning at least. He'd been the one to hug Remus after all, to hold his hand. Remus knew people who'd probably shrink away from touching him after finding out he was a werewolf, so he supposed it was time to give Sirius some credit, without always thinking about his family first.
It was the first night Sirius crawled into bed with him, which was unexpected to say the least, but Remus didn't protest. He just moved over and let Sirius lie down next to him, similar to when they had been in the astronomy tower together.
"I don't see you any differently, in case you were worried," whispered Sirius.
"Good."
"And my family... are shit. Really. I hate them."
"I'm not asking you to hate your family."
"I know. I'm beginning to realise it myself. I realise that they haven't done anything good for me, and I hate them." Remus turned to face him, but Sirius's eyes remained on the ceiling. He was glaring hard, unblinkingly at the crimson material overhead, and his eyes were glinting. Remus could see what he was doing because he'd done it himself about an hour ago. He was trying not to cry. Understandable, when you never expect there to come a point where you have to admit that you hate your family.
"Even Regulus?" It wasn't a prompt, Remus wasn't trying to force Sirius to hate anybody. It wasn't his place to do so. He was just curious.
"I don't know," admitted Sirius. "I just know that I hate my mum, and my dad, and my cousins and everyone who thinks they're better than everyone just because they're a stupid pureblood—" he turned over to his side, facing away from Remus and clinging onto a pillow, talking through his teeth. Like Remus in the abandoned classroom, Sirius was clearly letting out things he'd been holding onto for a while now. "Who gives a shit if you're pureblood, it doesn't make you a better wizard. Why are they so obsessed?"
"Who?" Remus knew who of course, but he thought he might as well encourage Sirius to open up.
"My family. They're obsessed, it's all they think about. They hate everyone who isn't pureblood and it's bullshit. What's wrong with muggles anyway? They have better music, and they have cooler stuff. They live without magic while my parents couldn't last five minutes." He sat up, his anger now making him restless, and he crossed his arms to his chest. He didn't say anything else, although Remus was sure he had a lot more to get off his chest. He didn't really know how else to help.
"You should stay with me during the holidays," said Remus. It wasn't a fully serious suggestion, just something he wishedcould happen, but Sirius's expression changed dramatically and it looked as if he were properly considering it.
"Why can't I?" He asked.
"Well... ." Obviously, now that Sirius knew he was a werewolf, that helped a little on the invitation front, but Remus's mother didn't know that Sirius knew, and Remus wasn't about to tell her. Not only that, but just because Sirius knew, didn't mean Remus wanted him to be around when he transformed. He didn't want Sirius to see him like that. "It would be too complicated. Things are a bit, up in the air at home right now."
"In what way?"
"Well, for starters. My parents have probably split up." Sirius raised his eyebrows.
"What do you mean probably?"
"I mean they have split up but they won't admit it to themselves yet. Despite the fact that they're not even living together anymore." He rolled his eyes at the ridiculousness of it now that he'd said it out loud.
"I must admit, I don't really know your parents, but I'm sorry anyway."
"Yeah, it's not as bad as I expected to be honest. I don't know why people make such a big deal about it. It's more peaceful." They had both calmed down by now, and Sirius lay back down.
"I wish I could stay with you," he mused. "I can't stay with James often because my parents don't really approve of him."
"But he's part of the sacred twenty eight, isn't he?"
"Actually no, he's not. Everyone thinks that because his family's pureblood, and we are kind of from the same blood line, but he's not part of the twenty eight. His parents are nothing like mine. They don't care about blood status, and they're rich because his dad invented this hair gel—"
"What?" Sirius let out a laugh.
"Ironic, isn't it? Considering how messy James's hair is. But point is, my parents think they're soft. They think they're muggle sympathisers."
"Are they?"
"Well, they certainly don't dislike muggles, and they never told James to. Which is enough for my parents to disapprove of them."
"No offence, but I don't think I ever want to meet your parents." Remus said it as bluntly as he said everything else. He might as well be honest.
"None taken. I wouldn't want you to meet them either." The two fell silent. A lot had been said between them in one night. All their secrets had been spilled.
Well, almost all of them. But Remus didn't know if now was a good time to tell Sirius he was trans, since everything else had already been laid out in the open, or if it was a bad time because too much had already been said. He didn't have an option to decide though, because when he looked over at Sirius, his friend had his eyes closed, and his breathing was growing steady. Remus sighed, and settled beside him, the two falling asleep in the same bed together.
Remus could tell him another time.
