*Disclaimer: I own nothing of Gainax, Khara, or the repertoire of Tom and Dick Smothers, or the discography of Allan Sherman.*

A spotlight shone on the stage in the auditorium as Rei, on guitar, and Shinji, on standing bass, began their act for the open mic night. Rei opened with a brief strum, before singing the lyrics for the first part of the medley.

Rei (with a teeny bit of an Irish lilt, for some reason):

She wheels her wheelbarrow,

Through streets that are narrow,

Her barrow is narrow, her hips are too wide.

Shinji grew surprised on hearing this, but managed to keep plucking at his bass. With a small hint of hesitation, he joined her in the song.

Rei and Shinji:

So wherever she wheels it,

The neighborhood feels it,

Her obi keeps scraping the homes on each side.

A few chuckles escaped from the audience.

Rei:

In Kyoto's fair city,

Where girls are so pretty,

My Maki stands out 'cause she weighs eighteen stone.

Rei [to the audience]: "To clarify, that is two-hundred and fifty-six pounds."

Rei and Shinji (the latter a bit sheepish):

I don't mind her fat, but...

It's not only that, but...

She's cockeyed and muscle-bound, just Maki alone.

Shinji [confusedly looking to Rei]: "Are you sure those are the lyrics?"

Rei: "They were in the book you asked me to check out."

Shinji [with a hesitant shoulder shrug]: "Okay then..."

The two then moved on to the next snippet in the medley, a fitting one for this time of year.

Rei:

I know a man, his name is Lang,

And he has a neon sign.

Rei and Shinji:

And Mister Lang is very old,

So they call it 'Old Lang's Sign'.

Shinji again turned to Rei, a puzzled look on his face.

Rei: "Is something the matter?"

Shinji: "It happened again-I could've sworn that particular song had different lyrics."

Rei: "You instructed me to study the book carefully in preparation for this performance. I am simply following what I read."

Shinji [again hesitant]: "...Well...all right, then."

Rei then took the lead on the next part of the medley.

Rei:

Oh what have you done, Roshi-san, Roshi-san?

Oh what have you done, Master Roshi?

You took almost every cent

From West City's government,

Which you spent on ladies' undies-waste of Zeni!

More chuckles escaped from the audience, much to Shinji's continued confusion. He then took the lead on the next section of the medley.

Shinji:

All day, all night, Morimoto.

That's all I see on Iron Chef, is Morimoto.

What can he do that I can't do solo?

Big deal, big star, Morimoto.

Shinji, still feeling a bit uneasy on the lyrics, shrugged as he handed things over back to Rei.

Rei:

Oh, the moon is bright tonight upon the car wash,

So I'm having my Renault washed again.

Rei and Shinji:

But the way things go with me, the way my luck is,

Just as soon as they're finished, it will rain.

Shinji [looking at Rei]: "Seems more like a Miss Misato thing."

Rei [looking back at him]: "Based on past conversations, indeed."

Speaking of, at her apartment that very moment, Misato Katsuragi, just as she was taking a sip from a can of Yebisu, suddenly sneezed, spilling the contents down the front of her favorite top and causing her to briefly curse.

Rei:

On top of Old Smokey,

All covered with hair...

Of course I'm referring,

To Smokey The Bear.

Rei briefly held up a sign of the iconic ursine spokesman in question.

Shinji: "This next portion comes from an old American folk song called 'Aura Lee'."

Rei:

Every time you take vaccine,

Take it orally.

Shinji became surprised on hearing this, while more of the audience laughed out loud.

Rei:

As you know the other way,

Is more painfully.

Shinji [a tiny bit flabbergasted]: "Rei, I said 'Aura Lee'."

Rei: "I thought you had said 'orally'. They do sound the same."

Rei moved on to the next portion of the medley.

Rei:

My grandfather's clock was the best ever made,

By the Timex company.

Just like the watch on that brand-new anime,

Last night on the old TV.

Rei and Shinji:

Oh, it works underwater so perfectly,

And it still makes a ticking sound.

Which my grandfather tried only this afternoon,

And that's how the old man drowned.

Shinji [surprised]: "Well, that got dark all of a sudden."

Rei: "Are you okay to continue?"

Shinji: "It's-it's fine. I think it's my cue this time...?"

Shinji then took the next brief snippet.

Shinji [puzzled as he realized what the lyrics were about]:

Do not make a stingy sandwich,

Pile the cold cuts high.

Customers should see salami,

Coming through the rye.

More laughter erupted from the audience, to Shinji's continued befuddlement, as he and Rei took on the next portion together.

Rei and Shinji:

Oh, I diet all day and I diet all night,

It's enough to drive me bats!

Got no gravy or potatoes,

'Cause the whole refrigerator's

Full of polyunsaturated fats.

Fare thee well, Metrecal,

And the others of that ilk...

Let the diet start tomorrow,

'Cause today I'll drown my sorrow

In a double malted milk!

A short burst of equal parts laughter and applause erupted from the audience before Shinji next spoke into his mic.

Shinji: "And now, the finale-an old spiritual piece."

What came out of Rei's mouth next proved to have nothing spiritual about it.

Rei:

When you go to the delicatessen store,

Don't buy the liverwurst!

Rei and Shinji (the latter dumbstruck by what he'd just heard, yet following along out of obligation):

Don't buy the liverwurst!

Don't buy the liverwurst!

Rei:

I repeat what I just said before-

Rei and Shinji:

Don't buy the liverwurst!

Don't buy the liverwurst!

Shinji [interrupting]: "Now wait a minute, wait a minute-are you trying to get more people to go vegetarian with this?"

Rei: "I am not-I see no reason to impose my particular dietary standards unto others. If you continue with me, you will find there is different reason to not buy the liverwurst."

Shinji did a double-take from Rei to the audience, who laughed at his reaction, before he shrugged and hesitantly kept going with Rei on the song.

Rei:

Oh, buy the corned beef if you must,

The pickled herring you can trust,

And the lox puts you in orbit A-OK!

Shinji:

A-OK!

Rei:

But that big hunk of liverwurst,

Has been there since October first,

And today is the twenty-third of May...!

Rei:

So when you go to the delicatessen store-

Rei and Shinji:

Don't buy the liverwurst!

Don't buy the liverwurst!

Don't buy the liverwurst!

Rei:

It will make your insides awfully sore.

Rei and Shinji:

Don't buy the liverwurst!

Don't buy the li-ver-wuuuurrrrst!

At the conclusion of the song, the audience, in a mix of cheers and laughter, gave the two a round of applause. While Rei took a bow, Shinji leaned over to get her attention.

Shinji: "Rei, about that book-are you sure it's the Sherman one I asked you to check out from the library?"

Rei: "I believe it is."

Rei then took out the book in question from behind her person, revealed to be How to Spoof a Song Like Allan Sherman. Shinji's mouth went agape on seeing this, before he gave himself a facepalm.

Shinji [with a slight groan]: "Rei, I asked for the book on the music of the Sherman Brothers!"

Rei: "Is Allan not one of them?"

Shinji: "No! Completely unrelated!"

Rei [glancing at the book's cover]: "Fascinating."

Shinji [shaking his head]: "I can see why Mother always liked you best..."

Rei: "Which one-Lilith, or Yui Ikari?"

Shinji nearly face-faulted at this response, much to the audience's amusement if their laughter was any indicator; and with that, the set ended with a rimshot from Pen-Pen.

END.

**Author's Note(s)**

The weirdest mix-Evangelion, Allan Sherman, and the Smothers Brothers. A, one might say, 'interesting' choice for my last fic of the year. Then again, following the passing of the Tom half of that iconic sibling comedy duo, it just hit me how it might be funny to depict Shinji and Rei in a similar setup, with the added fun of them singing a tweaked version of the Allan Sherman medley "Shticks of One and a Half Dozen of the Other". I know it's a bit early, but even so-Happy New Year, folks!