Dark Night of the Soul
By: Arien
Summary: This follows the episode "The Storm" but I don't know if it necessarily is a WHN.
~*~*~*~*~*~
"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live." ~ Norman Cousins
~*~*~*~*~*~
The sun rose over the Sierras and bathed the landscape in warm light. It was a breathtaking sight and one Joe loved to watch. The way the light caressed the Earth as the sun crept higher made it appear as if the world was waking from a long slumber. The stillness that hung in the air made it appear as if the world wanted to hold onto those last vestiges of sleep. There was a peace about the world in those few moments of solitude and, as much as he loved his family, he cherished his time alone. For a few moments, it was as though there was no one else on Earth except Joe Cartwright.
Joe was certain that his newfound appreciation of solitude would have shocked most of his friends. In his twenty years, he had rarely been alone but that did not mean that he did not want a few minutes to gather his thoughts.
Picking up his cup of coffee, Joe turned from the view offered through the dining room window, making his way through the great room and to the warmth offered by the fire. The days were just beginning to get a definite chill at night and had started a fire to warm the room up before his father, and brothers could make their way downstairs.
When he first had seen Laura, her beauty had charmed him. Later, he had seen her inner beauty as well. She had represented everything good in his life. Looking into her eyes, he had seen his future: one with children playing in the yard, laughter, and love.
He could still recall the excitement he and his brothers had felt at fixing the small cabin that he had chosen as his home after his wedding. He could still remember how he had felt when he had seen the beautiful cradle given to them by Adam. Even now, he felt the warmth flow through his body when he remembered the look on her face as she realized the implications of such a gift.
The warmth had faded, tinged with pain and sadness. Joe clenched his fist to control the oncoming wave of emotions. Laura was dead, and the cradle would not do anything but collect dust rather than a child's laugh. His dreams had turned to ashes and was left alone to empty years.
Joe could not make himself stop believing that he should have been able to do something that could have kept her alive. She had not known she was ill. Only her father had known and had failed to share that knowledge with anyone—even the man who going to marry his daughter. Joe's heart had shattered when she died in his arms; his name the last word she had spoken.
In days that had followed, Joe felt himself slipping into depression. He felt as if he were at the bottom of a pit looking up and could not find a way to free himself. He alternated between snapping at his family or completely withdrawing from the love and support they offered him. Joe could see the distress in their eyes, feel it in their words, but he was too tired to care. Anguish and pain were consuming him, and the need to control them devoured any energy he may have possessed.
Hearing the thud of booted feet on the staircase, Joe straightened up and pasted a smile on his face.
"Morning, Joseph," his father's voice sounded across the room.
Joe could see the apprehension and wariness in his eyes. He knew that he had not been an easy person to live with over the past months, but he did not have the energy to pretend his love for life was not still there— nor did he care about politeness anymore.
"Morning, Pa," Joe replied, placing his cup on the low table in front of the fireplace. If he could just make it through the next few minutes, he would be away from prying eyes. Looking behind his father, he greeted his brothers with a nod.
"Well, to what do we owe the pleasure of seeing you up so early? You usually only get to see sunsets rather than sunrises," Adam said, as he finished tucking in his shirt. His words were harsh but the tone warm. He knew what was eating away at his youngest brother and wished there were something he could do to ease the pain. In a hard-learned wisdom, Adam knew there were no words that could help to heal a broken heart.
"Older brother, a sunset is the same thing as a sunrise—only backwards," Joe said, turning to look at Adam.
"He's got ya there, older brother," Hoss said, slapping Adam on the back. "I haven't heard our younger brother that quick on the draw since—"
Joe, tensing, said nothing. Sudden pain, unexpected and unwelcomed, washed over him in a torrent, and he felt desperate to get away.
"Pa, I'm not hungry. I think I'll get a head start on checking those fences. That is, if it's all right with you?" Joe said, his voice hoarse with grief.
"Of course, Joe, go right ahead," Ben said, noting the tense hands of his youngest with trepidation. He wished he could break through the grief that had settled around his son. Sometimes he wished all of his sons were still children and that they never had to learn the hardships of life. Life had seemed so much each easier when he had been able to hug them close and tell them it would be all right. Even when he had known better, his boys had believed him.
Nodding his head, Joe turned to the sideboard to get his gun belt and hat. He glanced at his family once more, and then left before the despair could wash over him, causing him to lose control. Quickly crossing the yard towards the barn, Joe began to wonder if he would be able to deal with his emotions. He had, for a time, refused to believe his beloved had died. She had not been supposed to die—they had been supposed to grow old together and have many children. As she had lain in his arms, dying, Joe had tried bargaining with God, willing to do whatever it would take for her to live. He had screamed to God at the injustice of her death. He could not accept that a loving God would take someone so good from this Earth.
Joe was finding it harder and harder to rally against the all-consuming grief and guilt. He had not told anyone else that he felt guilty for living while Laura had died. In his mind, it just did not seem right that he should continue to live. He would have a future, whether he wanted one or not. There was no such thing for Laura.
Mounting Cochise, Joe quickly left the barn and headed towards the solitude he craved. He decided he needed to be alone to come to terms with what had happened; and, with that in mind, Joe headed towards Virginia City to pick up enough supplies for a few days on the trail.
The weight of his grief and depression was slowly crushing his will to live.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Adam rode along silently beside his brother, absently brushing the dirt from his faded chaps. He squinted into the bright afternoon sunlight. He and Hoss had managed to get the last of the strays to the herd with minimal problems. Tomorrow, they, along with Joe, would move the cattle to the bottomland for winter-feeding.
"Adam," Hoss began, looking over at his brother. "I sure wish there were something we could do for Little Joe. It hurts me to see him like this. I don't think he was this bad after Amy Bishop died."
"I know," Adam replied, leaning forward in his saddle. "But there's just nothing we can say or do that will get him to start living again. He functions because he has to but he just stays in his room when he's home. I'm worried and I have no idea what to do for him, either."
"Maybe we should talk to Pa about it. He was a lot like this when Joe's mama died. Think Pa could talk to Joe about that?" Hoss pondered. It made his heart ache to watch his brother slowly drift away from his father and brothers. Families were meant to deal with things together.
"You have a point, Hoss," Adam said. "Pa might be the only one who can get through to him. I know Pa's tried before but maybe Joe's ready to listen now. Pa didn't want to upset Joe any more than he already was."
Riding slowly, the brothers discussed how to approach Joe. They knew he could easily decide to leave home as their father had so many years before. They wanted him to understand that they were there for him but neither did they want to overwhelm Joe. It was a thin line to walk with him as his emotions were already near the surface.
"I just hope we can reach him soon. I don't know how much longer this can go on. It's taking its toll on all of us," Adam said. "His work's starting to slip and you know how many times we've had to go to the Bucket of Blood during the day to pick him up off the floor."
Adam rarely let his emotions control him, much preferring to control his emotions, but this was beginning to wear down on him as well. The constant worry about Joe, his father and Hoss was starting to make him tense. He did not want to add to his family's unstable situation.
As they approached the yard of the ranch, both men noticed that Joe had not made it back from riding fence. Adam knew he had wanted the job to be alone and none of them could blame him. They were concerned, certainly, but they understood his need to get away for a while. What he was not sure of was whether or not his youngest brother was still at work or had gone to one of the saloons in Virginia City, as had become Joe's habit of late.
"Do you suppose he's still out riding? Or has he decided to go to the saloons in town?" Adam asked his tone matter of fact. There was no point in being polite about it. He knew he would have to collect Joe, but he was not entirely sure as to how much riding he would be doing in the near future.
"Well, I suppose we could ride out to where he was working and check. We can always go to town looking afterwards," Hoss said, trying to find a comfortable position in his saddle.
"Let me go tell Pa. I don't want to worry him any more than he already is," Adam said, quickly dismounting Sport and handing the reins over to his brother.
Hoss watched his brother walk quickly into the house. As he waited, his thoughts drifted back to the events that had led to all of this. He had been looking forward to Joe's wedding. The excitement that his brother had felt had been contagious, and his young brother seemed to radiate happiness and contentment. Watching Joe and Laura interact, Hoss had felt happy for them—the love they felt for each other was obvious and, in a way, Hoss was envious. He hoped to find that kind of love for himself one day.
"Are you ready to go?" Adam's voice questioned, startling him out of his reverie. He had been so deep in thought he had failed to notice his brother's return.
"Sure am, older brother," Hoss replied, handing the reins back to Adam after he had remounted.
Silently, they both turned their horses around and headed for the pastures where Joe was to be working. Yet, when they arrived, the pasture was empty Adam grumbled, "You know something? I'm getting mighty tired of chasing him into town."
"I know, Adam. But I can't fault the boy for feeling the way he is," Hoss replied, turning to his brother. "He's acting like a wounded animal. I just don't know how to help any more."
"I know. He's running from the pain. I just wish he would run to us rather than from us," Adam stated, as he turned Sport around. "Come on, we might as well get a start to Virginia City."
~*~*~*~*~*~
"What do you mean, no one's seen him?" Adam demanded when his brother approached him in front of the bank. He and Hoss had separated when they got to Virginia City hours earlier. It was now dusk and, for him, it had been a fruitless search–he had hoped Hoss had faired better in finding Joe.
"Just what I said. Ain't nobody seen hide nor hair of him all day," Hoss explained, as he pushed his hat off his forehead. He, too, had hoped Adam had found their missing brother. He did not want to go home and tell Pa that Joe had disappeared.
"This is ridiculous," Adam said, pulling away from the wall he had been leaning against. "People don't just vanish. He has to be somewhere. I haven't checked with the mercantile yet. Come on, maybe someone there's seen him."
With Adam leading the way, the two men made their way down the busy street towards the general store. It was the last place on their list to look. If this did not give them a lead, they would be forced to go home empty handed. Quickly entering the store, Adam and Hoss walked towards the counter.
"Hi, boys! What can I do for you today?" asked Mr. Braxton from behind the counter, when he saw the two brothers.
"Well, we were wondering if you had seen Joe today," Adam said, leaning against the counter.
"As a matter of fact, I have. He came in earlier, don't remember what time it was, and bought some stuff," Mr. Braxton replied, leaning on the counter as well.
"What kind of 'stuff' did he buy?" Hoss wanted to know, a look of worry briefly showing on his face. He could not think of a single thing that Joe would need to work on the fences. They had all the supplies he needed on the ranch.
"Well, let's see. I have his ticket written up here—" the man rifled through a large stack of papers for the receipt in question. "Ah, yes! Here we are! He bought two blankets, coffee pot, a pan, plate, utensils, clothes, and some food to take with him. He said he was going on a sudden trip and hadn't had time to go back to the ranch to get his supplies."
"He didn't happen to mention where he was going, did he?" Adam asked, taking the receipt from the other man's hand. He noted that Joe had bought things that would last on the trail: beans, jerky, and coffee. It did not appear that Joe had plans to return home in the near future.
"I don't recall him mentioning a specific place. He was acting mighty peculiar, though," Mr. Braxton said and Adam could see the thoughts running in his mind.
"And just how peculiar are we talking about?" Hoss asked blue eyes boring into those of the storeowner.
"Well, he's normally so friendly and talkative. Today he just kept to himself while I gathered the items he needed. He also asked if he could out the goods on your father's account. How has he been doing since his fiancé passed away?" the owner asked and looked up to see a look of worry cross both brothers' faces. "I hope nothing's wrong."
"He's still hurting," Adam said, tightening his lips in what might have been a smile. "I'm sure nothing's wrong. Joe probably sent word to Pa an' we just didn't know. Thanks for all your help."
Nodding his thanks at the man, Adam pushed his hat further down on his head and left quickly with Hoss following close behind.
"Adam, where do you suppose Joe went off to?" Hoss asked as he and Adam made their way towards their horses in front of the saloon.
"I have no idea. When I talked to Pa earlier, he didn't mention Joe going off for a few days. So, I'm willing to bet that Joe has decided to hide himself away for a few days. Just like Pa did after Marie died," Adam said as they arrived at the waiting animals.
Walking to the front of the hitching post, Adam pulled the reins loose and turned to mount his horse.
"Yeah, but don't you think it's odd that Joe didn't tell anyone?" Hoss asked, mounting Chubb.
"Hoss, I'm sure he left a note or something behind. It just hasn't been found yet. It's not like him to leave without letting someone know. We'll find a note, I'm sure, when we get back home," Adam said, wanting to reassure his brother.
Turning their horses towards home, the brothers rode swiftly to let their father know what they had learned.
~*~*~*~*~*~
"What do you mean Joe's gone off on unexpected business," Ben demanded, throwing the papers he held down onto the desk.
He had expected Adam and Hoss to bring his youngest home not tell him Joseph had disappeared.
"All we know is that Mr. Braxton said that Joe came in and bought some supplies. Joe told him that he had to leave suddenly and didn't have time to come back here to get his regular supplies," Adam explained, crossing his arms across his chest. "Are you sure there isn't a note?"
"No, there isn't a note! Hop Sing would have told me if he had found one while cleaning your brother's room," Ben said, growing agitated. Nevada was big place for a person to hide if he did not want to be found.
"Pa, he's hurting something fierce. He's not acting any different than you after Ma died," Hoss spoke for the first time, refusing to make eye contact with his father.
Ben sat for a moment, stunned at his largest son's words. He recalled the days of black despair that had driven him away from his sons and his home.
"Just give Joe a few days. He'll either come home or send word to let us know where he is," Adam said, rubbing the back of his neck. "If he's not home by the end of the week, Hoss and I will see if we can't track him down."
"I know you're right son. I just can't help but worry about your brother," Ben sighed, rearranging the papers on his desk to keep his hands busy. He clenched his fists and stilled the nervous movements, and looking his sons in the eye, he whispered, "There's a look in his eyes that I've never seen there before and it scares me."
"Scares you? Why?" Adam asked, looking confused for a moment.
"Because he seems to have given up on life and that scares me. I'm scared of what he might try to do to himself." Ben said flatly, sharing his secret fear. "I can't bear the thought of outliving any of my children."
"Pa!" Hoss's shocked voice seemed loud in the ensuing silence. "Surely you don't think that—"
"I don't know what to think or believe any more," Ben said, staring down at his clenched hands.
~*~*~*~*~*~
When he had made the choice to leave his family, Joe did not have a specific destination in mind – only knowing that he needed solitude. He wandered the beautiful lands surrounding his father's ranch. Laura had loved the mountains and bordering meadows. He had enjoyed taking her to his favorite places around the Ponderosa. It had given them time to learn about each of their dreams, likes, and wants from life.
Joe had shared his dream of horses becoming a main source of income for the ranch. He loved working with the animals and he longed to see them becoming more of a contribution to the workings of the Ponderosa. He wanted something that he could point to with pride. He thought that his father was missing an opportunity with selling horses only to the army. There were so many new people moving into the area and they would need horses. Joe wanted those same people to buy the horses from him. Laura had not dismissed his wishes. She had embraced them as her own and had encouraged him to talk to his father about it.
On the first day of his self-imposed isolation, Joe had traveled to the places he had shown Laura. It made him feel closer to her when he visited the places they had both loved. He could still hear her breathless wonder at the encompassing landscape. Listening to her, Joe had received a new perspective of his home. He was able to see the ranch with fresh eyes and, he had to admit, it was a magnificent view. He did not think he would ever grow tired of the snowcapped mountains or the lush meadows below.
The solitude he so craved had acted as a balm to his aching heart. He regretted not letting his family know where he had gone. The regret, however, was tempered by the knowledge that his family would have argued against his leaving. It was simply easier to leave than listen to his father's argument for staying.
"You know Cooch, she was a fine lady," Joe said, as he shifted in his saddle. It was the second day of his trek and he had spent most of the day talking to his horse. "I can't help but feel like she's still here somehow."
There horse's head bobbed as if in agreement. Smiling, Joe reached down to rub the animal's neck.
"You want to know something else?" Joe questioned, watching the horse's head bob again. "I could see my future with her. All I had to do was look in her eyes and I could see forever. That's what we were supposed to have had—forever."
As the pinto meandered along, Joe watched as a hawk circled high above. The animal would sweep downwards and, suddenly, catch an updraft and be sent soaring again. Ironically, the animal's movements seemed to mirror his own moods. At times he would forget Laura was gone and think of something he needed to tell her when he returned home. Then, reality would crash down on him and his spirits would plummet.
"How can someone so good be taken so soon? It's not right, Cooch," Joe said, starring off in the distance.
Quiet reigned for a time as the pair made their way across the open meadow. Joe knew there were no ready answers for his questions. Briefly, he wondered if this was how his father had felt when his wives had died. Joe did not understand how his father could go through something like this three times and still live. He felt as if his heart had been ripped from his chest.
By the third night, as he lay curled up in his blankets, he decided to visit an old family friend. Jack Cade had been the ranch foreman of the Ponderosa since Joe was a small child. He and his brothers looked to him like an uncle, even Adam. Cade, in return, had treated the boys as his own.
Joe may not have seen the man he had admired in his childhood in several months, but he knew that he would be welcomed when he arrived. There would be no expectations of him while at his friend's home. If he decided to talk about Laura's death, Jack would listen patiently. Joe knew, too, that if he decided to not say anything, Jack would not force him to open up about her death. He would let Joe decide how to handle it.
Two years earlier, while trying to prove himself to the younger ranch hands, Jack had taken a bad fall while breaking a horse and had broken his leg. The doctor had said there was nothing he could do to keep him from developing a limp; and his pa had offered to let Jack keep working on the ranch since most of the work could be done from a horse. Jack, however, had thought of it as charity and had refused.
Now in their late fifties, he and his wife, Ella, had bought a house nearer to town and, at first, had still been frequent visitors to the ranch. As the months turned into years, that had slowly changed. They were still good friends but rarely saw each other.
While Joe was packing his camping gear on the following morning, he wondered how Jack and Ella were doing. Their son, Daniel, had been killed six months earlier. The young man, a few years older than Joe, had been the victim of robbery. He had been on his way home from town when two men had killed him.
Joe and his brothers had been part of the posse Roy had put together and had been there when the two thieves had been captured. At the trial, the robbers had confessed that they had killed the wrong person. They had meant to kill a man who had won a large sum of money playing poker.
As Joe finished getting Cochise ready for the ride out to the Cade place, he briefly wondered if he should bring his troubles to their doorstep. The couple had enough trouble in recent months. Joe knew, too, that he needed someone to listen that had not been personally involved in the events. Concluding he had plenty of time to make a choice, he leaped into the saddle and swung the horse around.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Adam had taken his customary seat in the blue chair near the staircase after dinner. His father had picked up his latest copy of The Territorial Enterprise and had taken a seat across from him. Hoss, however, had seemed to be at a loss for something to do. Typically, Hoss and Joe would play checkers until bedtime. With Joe gone, there was no one to challenge in the nightly ritual. Adam offered a game though Hoss had refused.
The only sound came from the popping logs in the fireplace, the fire bathing the room in warmth. Each man was acutely aware of the oppressive silence that had descended upon the house. Normally, after dinner, there was much laughter and conversation. Since Joe had decided to leave, the three remaining Cartwrights spent most of their time absorbed in their own thoughts.
"Doggone, it sure is quiet without Joe around, ain't it?" Hoss asked from his position on the settee. The loud voice startled his father and brother.
"Sure is," Adam agreed as he looked up from the book he was reading. "Are you sure that you don't want to play checkers, Hoss?"
"I'm sure. Appreciate it though," Hoss replied, looking at his older brother. He had been feeling adrift since Joe had decided to leave three days prior. "Do you suppose he's doing okay?"
"I'm sure he's fine, son," Ben said, glancing up from the newspaper he held. He had been reading the same passage for the past five minutes. Thoughts of possible tragedies kept floating around his mind and the conversation was a welcomed distraction from his own demons.
"I know, I just can't help but worry about him," Hoss said, slumping down on the settee. After his father's admission of the fear that Joe might harm himself, Hoss had done nothing but worry about the missing Cartwright. He just could not picture Joe doing something like that; it seemed so out of character for the young man.
"I understand, but this is something Joe has to work out for himself," Adam said, closing his novel. His eyes took in both Hoss and his father. "There's nothing any of us can say that will take this pain away."
"I know that, Adam. It's just that—well, it worries me to know he's in so much pain," Ben stated, his eyes losing focus for a moment. "I just wish he could have talked to us about it rather than leaving."
"We know, Pa," Adam said, after a moment's hesitation. "Just give him four more days to send word or come home. If we hear nothing by Saturday, Hoss and I will search all of Nevada if that's what it takes to bring him home."
~*~*~*~*~*~
"Well, what do you make of this, Cooch?" Joe questioned, watching the horse's head shake from side to side.
Joe dismounted as he neared the house, tying Cochise's lead to the dilapidated fence. Staggering over the gate that had fallen to the ground, he made his way through the decaying garden; stalks of dead plants rose from the ground where once thriving vegetation lived. The steps leading to the front porch were warped and splitting; and the railing around the porch had several spindles missing.
The house needed a definite whitewashing and the faded green shutters hung at an angle. There was not even the familiar sight of drying laundry billowing in the wind. If he had not known better, Joe would have sworn the house was abandoned. He stopped in front of the door, knocking loudly, and called out "Jack!"
Joe gave one final look at his bleak surroundings as he heard the door creak open.
"Joe! My boy, what are you doing way out here?" the figure in the door the exclaimed and shuffled out the way. "Come in, come in! It's good to see you."
Jack Cade was a tall man with a medium build. His hair, though mostly gray, still held traces of black. The man's face was tan and lined with wrinkles that bespoke of long hours spent in the sun. Joe had always likened Jack's eyes to the same blue as Lake Tahoe. Before the accident, Jack had moved with a grace that seemed out of place with his size.
"Jack, how are you? I'm sorry it's been so long since any of us have been out here to see you and Ella. Where is she?" Joe asked as he took off his hat and placed it on the pegs by the door. Looking around, he was shocked to see the dismal appearance outside the homestead was reflected inside as well.
The door opened directly into the sitting area and Joe could not see a space that was not covered in some form of grime. The fireplace did not appear to have been cleaned in some time; there was a layer of soot covering the bricks; ashes littered the floor in front of it. Looking through the small doorway that led to the kitchen, Joe could see overwhelming piles of dirty dishes haphazardly stacked about the small space.
Joe took a moment to take in the changes to the small home since he had been here last. Cobwebs were hanging from the corners of the room, piles of unfolded laundry sat on the floor, and a fine coating of dust covered every visible surface. Joe could barely see the afternoon sun of the windows in the front of the house. There was staleness in the air and an odor that Joe could not readily place. He assumed the smell came from the house being closed off for a long period of time.
"Would you like some coffee?" Jack offered, ignoring the question and the look of shock on the other man's face. Leaning heavily on his cane, he made his way through the sitting area to the chairs that sat opposite the fireplace in the corner.
"Sure, coffee sounds good," Joe said, taking the seat offered to him. "Do you need any help?"
"No, no, I can get it myself. It might take me a minute since my leg's been acting up," Jack said, heading for the small kitchen that was off the sitting room. Joe knew, from past visits, that the small bedrooms were off to the left. He briefly wondered if Ella was not feeling well and was laying down to rest.
Ella had always prided herself at her clean home and it was a bit disconcerting to see the shambles it had been reduced to in such a short time. Joe could not remember a time that the house had been in such a state. On previous visits, the wooden floors had fairly gleamed from the scrubbing and polishing. The house always smelled of fresh linen and baking bread.
The shuffling of feet and the thump of a cane announced the return of the older man. Joe looked up to see him balancing two cups of coffee in one hand. Quickly reaching out, Joe took the cups before disaster could strike.
"Thanks," Jack said, a bit breathless and sitting heavily in the chair across from Joe. Leaning forward, he took one of the cups held out to him. "So, tell me how you've all been."
"Well, Pa's been doing well. Not slowing down for a minute," Joe started, taking a sip of the hot liquid. "You know Adam, always looking for ways to improve things around the ranch. He's been trying to design a new saw mill for the lumber operations. I'm sure he'll get it right, eventually. Hoss has been doing great, too. He's been trying to breed one of our neighbor's stud horses with a pretty sorrel filly."
Joe found himself telling his old friend of the mundane goings-on of the ranch. By the time he ran out of words, his coffee had cooled considerably and the sun had begun to set. He sat for a moment, thinking about how the world continued to move forward despite his loss.
"How are you, Joe? You haven't said a word about how you're doing," Jack said, looking the younger man in the eye. "There's a look of sadness about you. I thought you were supposed to be getting married."
Pain that had been forgotten for a time washed over Joe in waves and for a moment he could not speak.
"I was supposed to be married by now," Joe began, his heart thumping a staccato in his chest. "Laura, her name was Laura."
~*~*~*~*~*~
As the week melted away with no word from Joe, Adam was forced to admit that something was definitely wrong. He had been shocked to hear his father admit to worrying that Joe might try and harm himself. It wasn't a thought he wanted to dwell on long; it just seemed so out of character for the youngest Cartwright.
The idea scared him, scared him in a way he had never experienced before. The idea of death was not a foreign concept to him, but the thought of someone willingly taking their own life – terrified him. Especially when that someone in question was Joe.
"Pa, we'll set out at first light and see if any of the neighbors might've seen him," Hoss said, from his place on the settee. The fire crackled and its warmth flowed through the room.
Hoss had grown quiet over the past week—he threw himself into the work on the ranch as a means of distraction. Like his oldest brother, his mind was having a difficult time grasping the idea of Joe seeking death as a means to escape the grief of Laura's passing. At night, however, there was no escaping his thoughts; he dreamed of finding his youngest brother's lifeless body on the trail and woke up gasping, sweat beading his face.
"Look, let's try and think of places that he'd be likely to go," Adam stated looking at his father's worried face and leaned forward. "We know he has to be somewhere nearby since he didn't buy enough food to go very far on the trail."
Earlier in the day, he had gone to see Roy Coffee, the town sheriff. He had asked if the lawman could send out telegraphs to other sheriffs in the nearby towns to keep an eye out for a young man matching Joe's description. Roy had informed him that, since Joe had not done anything illegal, there was little to be done. Joe was old enough to leave home if that was what he wanted to do. His father, while not taking kindly to the news, had at least conceded that Roy had been working within the confines of the law.
He was worried about Joe but he was also concerned for his father. The older man had not been dealing with his youngest son's absence very well – the apprehension for Joe's well being was something that touched each of them. Adam often caught his father staring at nothing, lost in his thoughts. Late at night, he could hear his father's murmured prayers and ceaseless pacing. The weight of worry showed in the slump of his father's shoulders.
"All right, it's too late now to go looking for him. Where do you think we should start?" Ben asked as he stared into the fire, welcoming the distraction from his own thoughts.
Starting out with the obvious choice first, Hoss suggested, "What about Mitch's place?"
"I thought Joe said that Mitch was out of town," Adam replied, rubbing his forehead while trying to recall a conversation that hadn't had a lot meaning at the time. "I can't quite remember, but we'll check out there tomorrow."
Ben sat for a moment, trying to recall friends and neighbors who may have seen Joe. It was a much longer list than he had anticipated. "What about the Chappells?"
"Sounds reasonable," Hoss said, watching his father light his pipe. "I think we should check with the Wilson's too."
"What if we split up tomorrow? We'll cover more ground that way without having to backtrack. Each of us can take a ranch hand so that, if one of us finds Joe, the hand can ride to let the other's know to stop searching.
"Hoss can head south towards Devil's Ridge and follow the road to Rocky Springs. I'll start out going east and visit the families towards Washoe Lake," Adam said, watching his father's face. "You can go north towards Mount Davidson and Virginia City to see if any of our friends near town have seen him."
"Well, that certainly makes sense to split up," Ben agreed contemplating the merits of Adam's plan. He certainly couldn't deny the wisdom of the suggestion. "We'll cover more ground and hopefully find him sooner." He couldn't seem to shake the irrational feeling that everything would be fine if they were to stick together in the search for Joe.
Hoss sat silent for a moment before glancing up. One name kept running through his mind, and he felt that it was a distinct possibility that Joe would go see the man. "Do you think he might go see ol' Jack? Joe used to talk to him all the time. Well, before he had to retire and all."
"Hmm, I don't know. We haven't seen Jack or Ella in quite a while. Would he go out there?" Ben pondered, looking at each of his sons to gauge their reactions.
"Well, Joe used to follow Jack around like a second shadow. I suppose it's not completely out of the question that he might go there," Adam said, not thinking of a single reason Joe wouldn't go see Jack. He recalled the man's patience with the small child who barely stopped for a breath between each question. Jack had answered each one and had never seemed to tire of Joe's constant chatter.
Confirming his brother's statement, Hoss said, "Yeah and it's not like he wouldn't be welcomed, either." It made sense that Joe would seek out the older man. Jack had been the confidant of more than one Cartwright over the years.
"All right, I'll go see Jack since his place is closer to where I'll be looking," Ben said, getting up to knock the pipe tobacco into the fireplace. He looked at his sons and watched them nod their agreement.
Ben clutched his pipe tightly for a moment before turning to place it on the table near his chair. He took a deep breath and moved towards the stairs. Looking back, he said, "Come on, the sooner we go to bed the sooner we can look for that brother of yours."
~*~*~*~*~*~
Joe spent most of his time tripping over piles of laundry the first night at the Cade's. He had been shocked to discover that Ella had not been in one of the back bedrooms as he had suspected. In fact, he had not heard Jack mention his missing wife once.
At first, Joe assumed that perhaps Ella had been called to help one of the many friends the older couple had, but the longer he was there the more he was convinced that the woman had left Jack, perhaps permanently. He had asked, again, where Ella was but Jack's non-answer, "She's out visiting friends", stopped him from asking anything else.
Three days later, Joe finally confronted the grizzled man sitting across from him at the kitchen table.
"Jack, really, where's Ella? It's not like her to leave the place looking like this or for so long. Is she all right?" Joe asked as he took a bite from what he assumed to be pancakes.
"Oh, Ella left a couple of weeks after Daniel's . . . she-she said that she needed to get away for a while. Headed back east to her relatives in Chicago to make up her mind about whether she could continue living here or if she'd stay there," Jack said, refusing to make eye contact with his companion, his hands clenched into a white-knuckled fists.
"I'm sure she'll be back, Jack," Joe said, trying to reassure the other man. The explanation finally answered why the older man seemed so lost and the house was out of sorts.
"Well, we'll see. I haven't heard from her in a couple of months now," Jack said, looking lost for a moment. "It had never occurred to me that she would leave after Daniel's death.
"I'm not sure when the two of us drifted apart. Somewhere along the way, we took to snipping and petty comments. As it got worse, I realized Daniel was the glue of my marriage—not love," Jack concluded not looking Joe in the eye. He had never put into words what it had felt like to watch his marriage dissolve into nothing. It was not lost on the other man that Joe faced a similar situation, yet not quite the same.
Yet, even as he mourned the loss of his child and wife, something inside him died, too. It was as if his very soul had begun to wither. Jack could feel a bitterness setting in his soul but refused to let the rest of the world see it. There were some things, he mused, that a man should be allowed to keep to himself.
The few days Joe had been away had healed some of the hurt in his soul—especially his time wandering on the trail. He recognized that it would many months before he felt like his old self but realized, too, that to heal he need to be with his family. Taking a final drink from his coffee and watching the emotions play across his friend's face, Joe began, "I think it's time for me to head home. I can't thank you enough for letting me stay here over the last few days."
"It's been nice to have someone to talk to again," the other man replied, reaching up to scratch his nose. "I wouldn't mind a visit every now and then."
"I can do that. I might even persuade those brothers of mine to come along," Joe replied, getting up from the table. "I'll go get my things together and be out of your hair."
Sighing, Jack watched as the young man walked through to the sitting room and towards the bedrooms on the other side of the house. He carefully got up and started gathering the dishes but stopped himself. 'Alone again,' he thought to himself, feeling the bitterness rise again in his chest. The dishes still sat on the table, untouched.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Ben was weary - in mind and body. He had been riding for two days. He had spent those two days praying one of the ranch hands would ride up to let him know that his son had been found but, thus far, was sorely disappointed.
The last name on his list was Jack Cade. Ben could not imagine a pain worse than losing a child. When his wives had died, his world had shattered. The only thing that had pulled him back from giving into his despair was his sons. He knew, however, there would be no such reprieve should he outlive even one of his sons.
In the distance, Ben could see the familiar sight of his friend's home. As he got closer, he could barely make out a figure sitting on the steps of the homestead. Spurring his horse along, he left the ranch hand to follow at his own pace.
He dismounted, heart in his throat, almost ignoring the dilapidated fence before him. His trembling fingers fumbled a knot into Buck's reins, his eyes never leaving his son. The younger man stared ahead with a blank expression on his face and was barely breathing. Reaching out a shaking hand, Ben felt his son's living warmth.
"Joe—Joe," Ben choked out, pulling his son to him in a brief embrace. He made quick work of looking his son over for any kind of injury and found none. He felt the relief wash over him as took in his son's presence. "Thank God—you're all right."
Getting no response from Joe, Ben was shocked when he took in his surroundings. The house was in a shambles and had a look of abandonment about it. Gently, he reached his hands out and grasped the shoulders in front of him. "Son, answer me! What's wrong? Where's Jack?"
He slightly shook the shoulders beneath his hands hoping to get a response from Joe. He glanced behind him and saw that Doug, the ranch hand who had ridden with him, was standing a respectful distance behind him. Ben's sharp voice sounded again. "Joe!"
"Doug, stay with Joe. I'm going to look for Jack," Ben ordered, reluctantly leaving Joe. A knot of fear formed in his stomach at his son's continued silence.
Cautiously, he walked up the remaining steps and went through the opened door. The smell of stale air and the coppery scent of blood assaulted his nostrils as soon as he cleared the threshold. A feeling of dread washed through him at the implications.
Hesitantly, he walked through the filthy home to the kitchen all the while calling for his friend. Getting no response, Ben retraced his steps and headed toward the back bedrooms. One door stood open and he headed in that direction first.
The sight that greeted him turned his stomach. Blood was everywhere—on the wall, the ceiling, puddled on the floor—the sheets were soaked in it. It didn't take much to make the connection with the hole in Jack's head. For there, in the middle of the chaos was Jack – sightless eyes staring ahead and a gun in his hand.
Revulsion warred with compassion and, for a moment, Ben was light-headed. The need to get away from the stench of death as quickly as possible overwhelmed him. Turning around quickly, he almost ran through the house to where his son sat. As soon as he made it to fresh air, Ben felt his stomach begin to calm. The overwhelming nausea was gone for the moment.
"Help me get Joe onto Buck," Ben barked out orders, his heart clenching so hard it was difficult to breathe. "Doug, I need you to ride—ride hard. Go get Adam and Hoss. Let them know Joe's all right, but they should meet me in Virginia City."
Both men pulled the unresisting man to his feet and guided him to the waiting horse. Making sure his son wasn't going to fall off, Ben settled behind his son and took the reins Doug offered him.
"I'll get Sheriff Coffee to come back here and tell him to bring the undertaker, too. Jack's dead…suicide. I didn't see his wife, either," Ben said, as he turned the horses towards Virginia City. "Tell Hoss and Adam to meet me at Doctor Martin's office."
Not looking back to see if his orders were being carried out, Ben kicked his horse into a gallop.
~*~*~*~*~*~
By the time the pair reached the doctor's office, Ben was much more than concerned for Joe. His son had not said one word since he had found the dejected figure on the steps. Now, listening to Paul Martin, he was not sure what he could do to help his son.
The sound of raised voices reached his ears, and Ben knew his older sons had finally arrived.
"Pa, what's wrong?" Adam demanded as soon as he saw his father. His breath was coming hard. He had ridden like the Devil himself was after him after hearing that Joe could be found at the doctor's office. He didn't try to disguise his worry. "Doug didn't tell me anything. Just said for me to get here quick and that Jack had committed suicide."
"Yeah, that's all he said to me, too," Hoss seconded as he stood staring at his father. He had arrived moments after his brother and was winded from the anxious ride into town. Dirt smudged his face and clothes, sweat causing the fabric to cling to his body.
"Boys, let's sit down and we'll go over what I was discussing with your father when you arrived," Paul said, directing the men to the chairs in his office's waiting room. Watching them take their seats, he took a moment to gather his thoughts as he pulled a chair close.
"As I was telling Ben, you're brother seems to be in a catatonic state—a form of shock," Paul said, meeting the confused eyes in front of him.
"What does that mean?" Adam wanted to know, glancing at his father and brother.
"It means that Joe has retreated into himself—to a place where he feels safe," Paul continued his explanation. Looking at the men across from him, he could see the worry etched into each of the faces. Wishing he had better news, he plunged ahead. "Given recent events, it's not surprising that he's done this to protect himself from further hurt.
"When Laura died, he fell into a depression which is only natural. But it seems that he wasn't progressing through the grief process—he just seems to have stopped at the stage of depression. That's what drove him from his home. Joe only knows why he ended up at Jack's house.
"But, after seeing his friend die in such a manner, it seems to have sent Joe over the edge," Paul finished, the words echoing in the silence that followed.
His mind conjured up bleak images of asylums, and he mentally cringed at the idea of Joe being placed in such an institution. The shock evident in his tone, Ben asked "You're saying that Joe has lost his mind."
Paul reached up to rub the back of his neck, "No, I'm not saying that at all. I'm telling you, however, is that Joe has suffered a great deal of grief in recent months, and this event just pushed him to finding a way to protect himself from being hurt again. He could snap out of it in the next five minutes or it could last for five months. There's just no way to know how long it will last. He's responding now to requests to certain voice commands. When he's asked, he will do simple things like eat—something that doesn't really require a great deal of thought or a response. He will also get up when he's told, but you will have to lead him where to actually walk."
Hoss didn't like the way this conversation was going. Surely there was something Paul could give Joe to speed along the healing. "Ain't there some kind of medicine you can give him?"
"I'm afraid not, Hoss," the doctor replied, his eyes showing a deep sympathy for what his friends were going through. "It's something that only time and Joe can make better. It's all up to Joe as to when he emerges. Just be there for him, keep a set routine so he'll feel comfortable and secure, and just talk to him—all of you need to interact with him as you normally would. It doesn't matter if he answers or not. Most people who have suffered from this type of depression have reported being aware of what was being said or done around them—in fact, don't be surprised that he retains excellent memories of his surroundings."
Ben needed to know all of his sons were safe and right where they belonged—the sooner the better. Feeling a supportive squeeze to his shoulder, he glanced to his left and saw Adam's warm eyes looking at him. "When can we take him home?"
"There's no reason why you can't take him home now," Paul replied, watching the emotions play across the faces he knew so well. "I'd recommend getting a buckboard to get him home. It will be much easier than riding a horse."
Paul sat silently as the family absorbed his words. He knew each man wanted an easy fix to this problem but there simply was not one. There were no magic medicines or words that would make the young man in the examination room begin to live again. He also knew that any words of comfort he might offer would sound trite at best.
Rising from his chair, Paul spoke. "Come with me. I'll take you back to Joe now. Just remember that he may be able to hear you so speak to him as you normally would."
As one, the Cartwrights rose and followed the doctor to the examining room. Hesitating at the door, Adam and his brother stepped back to allow Ben to walk in ahead of them.
It was unnerving for him to see his son with that blank gaze. Ben was used to seeing life shine out of the green eyes and, now, there was nothing. No sadness, no awareness, nothing to indicate that Joe was aware of the smallest detail—yet Paul had said there was a chance Joe would retain excellent memories from this. On the ride to Virginia City, he had tried, with an almost fierce desperation, to get his son to react in some small way. The miles had gone by with no other sound but hoof beats and his voice begging his son to respond to him.
Taking a deep breath to steady his nerves, Ben said, "Joe, we've come to take you home now. Come on; let's get your things together while Hoss goes to get a wagon." He reached out a shaking hand and squeezed his younger son's neck in a comforting gesture.
Ben was shocked, though he would only admit it to himself, when Joe actually did as requested. Thinking back, he realized that he had only asked his son to do the one thing he could not—talk.
"Little brother, I'll be back in a jiffy with that ol' wagon. We'll be home in time for supper," Hoss said, trying to keep his voice steady as he watched his brother. He had listened as Paul had told each of them what to expect, but it hadn't truly sunk in that Joe really wasn't aware of his surroundings. His younger brother's eyes were hollow—the laughter that was such an integral part of Joe was missing.
With a final look at his family, Hoss left the doctor's office. He needed to get away for a few minutes to gather his thoughts. Going to the livery to rent a wagon was the perfect excuse he needed to keep his emotions from his family. His father already had enough to worry about with Joe, and he didn't want to add to his father's burden.
~*~*~*~*~*~
The ride back the ranch had been a dismal affair. One stunted with half asked questions and long pauses—neither Adam nor his father and brother were sure what to say to the silent young man in the back of the wagon. The topics foremost on their mind required an answer and, after the last week, small talk seemed trivial.
Adam had sent the ranch hands back to the Ponderosa with the Cartwrights horses in tow—thinking his family needed to be alone together for a while before reaching home. He knew that, once they reached the house, the demands of the ranch would need their attention as well. He was already trying to come up with a suitable schedule so that at least one of them was with Joe at all times.
Sitting in the back of the wagon with Joe and his father, Adam was startled out of his thoughts when his father spoke. Looking up, he saw his father had moved closer to his youngest brother's side and had an arm wrapped around his brother's shoulders.
"See, Joe, we're getting closer to home. There's that tree you kept getting stuck in – I must have gotten you out of that thing four times in one day."
Adam's lips twitched at the memory and he ducked his head so no one would see him. Joe had been seven at the time and, apparently, couldn't not climb that particular tree. The boy had gotten stuck at the same place each time and by the last attempt Pa had been more than exasperated.
"You used to get in all sorts of mischief, Joe—you still do," Pa's voice washed over them in a soothing cadence. "Only you and Hoss would come up with the idea of robbing a bank to stop a foreclosure. You're heart's in the right place – it's how you arrive at these ideas that I wonder about. I can't understand how you always manage to talk Hoss into these wild schemes—"
Adam had to admit to himself that he had wondered the same things about those two. There was a certain fascination with watching Joe try to finagle Hoss into a new idea. At the thought of Hoss, he glanced up at his brother's broad back in the driver's seat of the wagon. Hoss was hunched over as if the weight of the world rested on his shoulders, the bunched muscles spoke of great stress. His brother hadn't said a great deal since bringing the wagon back to Paul's office. Making a mental note to talk to Hoss once they reached home, he shifted his eyes back to his pa.
His father's face was worn with worry—it showed in the pinched lines around the older man's mouth. The eyes held a sorrow that he hadn't seen in many years – not since the death of Marie. They had all had cause to worry over the last few years; but, somehow, it was worse watching Joe in his living death. The spark that was always in his brother's face was gone…replaced by a blank stare and a hollow look.
Realizing the wagon had descended into silence, Adam spoke up. "You know, Pa, I've been thinking. We've managed to get the herds into the pastures for winter feeding and the horse contracts have all been met, thanks to younger brother there. I don't see why we can't all stay near home for the next few days. It'll give us a chance to rest up. I'm sure Joe would like a chance to sleep in late—wouldn't you Joe? Thought you would…the only other thing that might need our attention is that meeting we have to attend—the lumber contract for the spring but that's still a three weeks away. So, how about it, Pa? Think we all deserve a vacation?"
Adam watched his father's face for a reaction. He figured this would give them all a chance to adjusting to Joe's current state. He also reasoned that he could sit down with Pa and Hoss later to come up with a schedule that would give them all opportunities to interact with Joe. He saw a flicker of an unidentifiable emotion on his father's face; it was quickly hidden behind a mask of false brightness.
"How does that sound Joe? I think Adam's right; we've all earned a vacation. I know it won't be as exciting as a trip to San Francisco—so, you like that idea? Thought you would, you can sleep in a long as you want, too. What else are vacations for if not for a bit of self-indulgence?" his pa's cheerful voice was a contradiction to the look of weariness on his face. He watched as his father squeezed Joe's shoulders in a brief hug—Adam was sure Pa kept doing that to reassure himself that his youngest was back among them.
"Whoa," Hoss spoke for the first time since leaving Virginia City. He pulled the reins back and stopped the team in the yard in front of their home. Rising, he dropped the reins and carefully stepped down from the buckboard. "Good to be home, ain't it Shortshanks?"
Surprised time had gone by so quickly and he had failed to notice their arrival, Adam rose from the floor of the wagon and vaulted over the side to the ground below. He met Hoss at the back of the buckboard and waited while his father guided Joe towards him. When both men were standing at the edge, he and his brother reached up to help Joe step down.
Once his brother was on firm ground, Adam let Hoss guide Joe into the house. He turned back to his father as the older man landed next to him. He reached a hand out and clasped his father's shoulder and flashed a brief smile.
"We'll get through this, Pa. You wait and see—he'll be fine in no time."
His father's hand came up and rested on top of his, giving a small squeeze. "When I rode up to Jack's house…I was so relieved to have found him, alive and safe. God answered a prayer. Now, we pray for another miracle—pray Joe snaps out of this soon."
~*~*~*~*~*~
The days passed and the Cartwrights fell into a routine with Joe. Ben readily admitted Adam had made a good suggestion with the "vacation". They had needed time to adjust to the situation. There were still times when he or his sons would wait for an answer from Joe, but those moments were becoming few and far between. Hoss and Adam had returned to work, leaving him with Joe at all times.
Ben found himself with little time to grieve for the loss of his longtime friend. The days were spent talking at Joe rather than to him, and it hurt Ben that there had to be a distinction. He wanted badly to hear his son's voice and not have to imagine it. He missed his sons' bantering and laughter.
The image of Jack's body haunted his dreams, and he wasn't sure if he would ever be able to completely forget the sight. Jack's decision was having an effect far beyond taking his own life; and, if he were honest with himself, he also felt anger towards the other man: for ending his life and for what that choice had cost Joe.
Paul had been a frequent visitor the ranch to check on the youngest Cartwright. "Other than the fact he's non-responsive, he's in good health. You're doing an excellent job of taking care of him," seemed like a mantra from the physician. He could not offer the older Cartwrights any hope as to when Joe would "awaken"—he would only say they were wonderful caregivers.
Ben rose early, as had become his of late, and went to wake his youngest – the clothes were already laid out – thankfully, Joe only needed to be told to dress. After making sure his son was clothed properly, the older man led Joe downstairs to the dining room for breakfast. Ben had gotten used to telling Joe what to do but he hadn't gotten adjusted to having a one-sided conversation.
"Here, sit down while we wait for your brothers," Ben said as he pulled the chair away from the dining table. He placed an empty plate and utensils in front of his son before taking his own seat at the head of the table. "I think that we'll go over the books once you're brothers have gone to do check on the cattle. Does that sound like a good idea—all right, that's what we'll do then. I need to get the figures together for the meetings about the lumber contract. Remember, Adam and I will be leaving in three days; however, Hoss will be here should you need anything."
The thud of booted feet on the stairs announced the arrival of Adam and Hoss. Ben looked up and smiled a greeting to his sons.
"Morning, boys, I trust you slept well last night," he said as Hop Sing scurried from the kitchen with their breakfast. Taking the plate of eggs, Ben scooped a pile onto Joe's plate before adding some to his own. "Joseph and I were just discussing what we would do today."
He passed the plate to his oldest son and watched Adam's head move infinitesimally in Joe's direction. Ben shook his head—no change.
"What exciting things will you two be doing while Hoss and I are checking the herd, younger brother?" Adam asked, taking the next plate passed to him. He looked up and noted Joe hadn't started eating yet. "Eat, Joe. You don't want Hoss eating your food too, now do you? No, I didn't think so. He's—"
Hoss watched as Joe mechanically began eating and fought back a wave of sadness at the sight. He hadn't gotten used to not hearing Joe's voice – he missed his brother's laughter and longed to be able to talk to his brother…and get an actual reply. "—A growing' boy, that's what he is. Ain't that right Joe? I knew you'd agree with me."
The rest of the meal passed in silence; nothing could be heard save the crackle of fire that had been laid earlier and the scraping of utensils on china.
Adam wiped his mouth and tossed his napkin on his empty plate. "Well, I guess we'll get going. The sooner we leave the sooner we return – right, Hoss?"
"Yeah, I suppose you've got a point there. Except you'll be home before me anyway; I still have to shoe a couple of the horses before I can come home," was the reply. Hoss pushed back from the table as did the rest of his family. He exchanged shocked glances with his family as he realized that Joe had stood as well and hadn't been told to do so—it was the first voluntary movement his brother had made since he had been brought home.
"Joe – Joseph, can you hear me?" Ben rushed to Joe's side and grabbed the young man's arm. Getting no response, he lightly shook the arm in his hand and tired again. "Joseph, say something if you can hear me."
Adam watched as hope left his father's face. He, too, had been holding his breath in the hopes that their prayer had finally been answered and, in a way, it had. Joe had finally made a voluntary movement but didn't seem inclined to do anything else.
Hoss had so hoped that Joe was going to speak when his father asked. But, he supposed, at least his brother was making some progress. "Pa, do you want me to ride for Doc – to let him know that there's been a change?" he asked his father.
"Yes, you might need to do that. Just tell him what happened and bring him back with you," Ben said after a moment.
Watching as Hoss move quickly to the credenza to gather his gear, Adam turned back to his father. "If you don't mind, I think I'll stay here with the two of you until Paul gets here. I'd like to hear what he has to say."
"No, that's perfectly all right. You and Joe can find something to do while I work on the books," Ben said, his mind still in a state of fearful hope – hope that this nightmare was ending and fear that he was reading too much into Joe's action.
"I'll be back directly," Hoss called as he went out the door.
"Well, I guess that means that the two of us need to find something to do in the mean time—isn't right, Joe?" Adam asked his brother. He started towards the living room and glanced behind him to see if Joe was following him or not. "Come on, we'll finish reading Journey to the Center of the Earth."
Ben headed towards his study and sat for a moment to watch his sons. Joe was on the settee, and Adam sat down beside him with book in hand. His oldest son flipped through the pages for a moment before finding his place.
"At three hundred yards from us the battle was fought—" He could hear his son's deep baritone as it carried through the still air.
Sighing, Ben picked up his pen and opened the ledger—the tedious task of adding would pass the time while waiting for Hoss and the doctor to appear.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Morning was slowly giving way to afternoon, and Ben found himself abandoning the ledgers to sit in his red chair listening to the story Adam was reading aloud. The book wasn't something he normally associated with his oldest's reading habits—typically, that would involve Shakespeare, Thoreau, or Dickens.
"—Otto Liedenbrock, corresponding member of all the scientific, geographical, and mineralogical societies of all the civilized world, was now her uncle and mine?" Adam's voice tapered off to a dramatic finish and he closed the book.
Ben broke the silence by asking, "Son, what kind of book is that? I must admit to never having heard anything quite like it before."
"The place where I ordered it said it was something new called science fiction." Adam explained, glancing at his father. "This Verne fellow seems to be a good writer, but I'm not sure if I'll read another one of his since it's not exactly to my tastes. I have a feeling that younger brother here enjoyed it quite a bit. In fact—"
Before Adam could finish the thought he heard the sound of hooves in the front yard. Leaving his place next to his brother, he walked quickly to the door and flung it open to see Hoss and Paul making their way to him.
"Adam, I'd have been back hours ago but had to go chasin' the doc all over the county," Hoss grumbled as he moved passed his brother. "I finally tracked him down at the Rockin' R."
"Well, it's not as if poor Bill broke his leg and arm on purpose," Paul blustered back. He'd been listening to Hoss fuss about having to track him down for the last several miles. "Keep it up and I'll plaster both of your legs—I have plenty of materials with me!"
Adam ducked his head to hide the smile on his face as he closed the door. Still suppressing a chuckle, he threw in, "Sounds like you might have met your match, Hoss. Don't you think so, Joe? See, even Joe thinks you need to stop while you're ahead."
A chuckle sounded from the direction of the settee, and everyone in the room paused for a moment before turning to look at the young man seated in front of the fireplace.
"Joe—Joe can you hear me?" Paul asked, hurrying around in front of Joe. He sat on the low coffee table and peered into the young man's face. He could feel the rest of the Cartwrights hovering behind him. "If you can hear me, I want you to follow the movements of my finger—okay?"
Adam watched as the doctor held his extended finger in front of his brother's eyes; and, for a moment, it didn't seem as if the young man was going to follow the command. Paul repeated his instruction, "Joe, track my finger." Paul began to slowly move his finger left to right in front of Joe's eyes.
When the green eyes began to follow the movements, Adam could feel a grin spread across his face. He looked up and saw the same expression on the faces of Pa and Hoss. He glanced back down and saw a smile appear on his youngest brother's face.
The first words Joe had spoken in nearly a month shocked everyone. "Doc, you don't think I'm going to fall for that trick, do you?"
Adam blinked at the reference. "Joe, when did you read Martin Chuzzlewit? I didn't realize you had ready any of Dickens' works."
"Well, with a name like that I curious and decided to see what it was about," Joe explained, meeting his brother's gaze. "It was a good story but I didn't like it as much as Journey to the Center of the Earth. I liked the—"
"You can talk about this later; right now, I need to know how you feel Joe," Paul's voice broke into the discussion. If he let them, they'd carry on all night. "You've been in a catatonic state, a form of shock, for the last three weeks."
Joe looked down at his hands for a moment considering his response. "Well, I don't feel bad…just kind of tired but that's about it." Actually, it was the same feeling he'd had slept too much—tired and achy. "What happened?"
"Do you remember anything from the last three weeks?" the doctor inquired, leaning forward to rest his arms across his knees and watched Joe's face closely. "We'll get to what happened in a minute.
"Bits and pieces, really. I remember being in your office once and riding back to the ranch on the back of a wagon. I-I think Pa was telling stories. I remember someone always being with me and Adam reading to me." Joe's brow wrinkled in concentration. Flashes of images formed in his mind. "I wanted talk—I could hear myself think the words—but nothing came out."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Ben walked with Paul to the front door, the sounds of his sons' voices comforting him. After a moments hesitation, he asked, "Do you really think he'll be alright?"
"Ben, I've known you too many years to try and lie to you. He'll be fine. Just talk to him about what happened if he wants to, but don't try to force him either," he answered, reaching for his hat and coat that were being held out to him. "I'll come by tomorrow just to be sure, but I can't see any reason why he'd have a relapse. Oh, I'll remember to let Roy know to come out here so he can talk with Joe about the suicide, too."
Ben smiled his thanks. He stood in the door, watching as the other man got into the small buggy and pulled away. Closing the door quietly, he turned around and sent a silent prayer of gratitude heavenwards as he joined his sons near the fireplace.
~*~*~*~*~*~
The next morning, Ben found himself standing on the platform waiting for his oldest son to return with their tickets to Stockton. His two younger sons were waiting with him, and he felt a wave of guilt at having to leave so soon after Joe had snapped out of the place his mind had sent him.
"I want you two to take care of yourselves while we're gone," Ben said, looking Joe and Hoss in the eye. "While you're in town, I also need you to pick up the weekly—"
"—supplies," Joe finished for his father. Pa had reminded him and Hoss several times on the way to town about picking up the supplies. He figured it was his father's way of trying to act like nothing was out of the ordinary.
Smiling, Hoss looked at his pa. "You and ol' Adam have a safe trip and wire us once you get settled. Joe and I'll take care of things here. Don't you worry none about us – we'll be just fine."
Ben nodded his head in agreement and, while resisting the urge to hug his sons, clapped their backs and said his goodbyes. Watching Joe and Hoss walk away from him, he was struck again by a sense of apprehension in his heart at the thought of leaving.
Over the previous three days, Ben had tried to talk to Joe about what had happened at Jack Cade's ranch. Roy had ruled the death a suicide and Paul's examination had confirmed the earlier ruling. But, true to form, his son was holding back and no new information had been forthcoming.
Unable to resist the urge, Adam leaned forward and whispered some advice in Joe's ear. "Hey, make sure you change your drawers more than once a week!"
Joe's face took on a red hue, and turning quickly from his family, he disappeared into the throng of people on the street.
"That went well, don't you think?" Adam's sardonic comment broke the stunned silence.
Ben watched for Joe to reappear but the figure never reemerged. "What did you say to him for?"
"I didn't think it was so bad. He's never taken anything like that seriously before," Adam replied after a moment. He was truly stunned that what had been intended a joke had been taken the wrong way. "I'll have to wait till I get home to apologize."
Hoss was embarrassed for his brothers. He knew that most of the time Joe could take some gentle teasing but assumed that he was still upset at Pa's leaving. He mumbled a goodbye to his father and brother and went in search of his missing sibling.
Feeling a hand on his shoulder, Ben jerked back to the present and found himself face to face with Adam. He'd been staring off after Hoss and Joe long enough for Adam to finish buying their tickets.
"Pa, are you all right? I've been talking to you for five minutes." Adam asked, the concern for his father evident in his hazel eyes. "I've got the tickets and clerk said the stage should be here in ten minutes."
Ben stood gazing down the boardwalk for a moment before meeting the other man's eyes. A small smile graced his lips as he replied, "Yes, I'm fine. I just can't help but feel that I shouldn't be leaving Joseph. He's lashing out at nothing and holding in what's troubling him."
Contemplating his father as he scratched his nose, Adam said after a pause, "Well, I can go to Stockton alone – if you feel that strongly about it. I'm sure Mr. Jamison would understand if you're not there."
Ben felt the desire to stay war with the knowledge that his presence was required at the meetings. He knew, too, Joe would balk at being coddled; and there really wasn't a justification for his staying home.
"No, there's really no need for me to stay here – just an old man's worries. I'm needed at the meetings and, no matter how understanding Jamison might be, he'll still try to take advantage of the fact that I'm not there." He sighed and met his son's gaze once again. "We'll go and, while in Stockton, send telegrams to Hoss to keep a check on things here. You know how those two are - always finding some kind of scheme. Let's not forget their stint as bank robbers."
"You do have a point, but they have gotten better – even I have to admit that." Chuckling, Adam couldn't deny his siblings had a habit of making the most being in charge of the Ponderosa. "But, let's not forget Rubicon or the Willy Twilight incident. They've both come a long way."
Ben knew what his oldest was doing and, for that, he was grateful. "An excellent point, son. I have faith in them…I have faith in all my sons."
Reaching out and squeezing the other man's shoulder, Ben turned released his son at the sound of the approaching stage.
As he and Adam loaded their luggage, Ben was shocked to notice that no other passengers were boarding with them. Typically, there were at least one or two other passengers to share the journey. Pleasantly surprised, he boarded and tried to find a comfortable way to sit on the hard seat.
Adam , having given up on find a place on the bench that was still well padded, watched his father searching for, in vain, a niche that would allow for a nice trip. He was glad he had paid the extra money for the additional space on the coach. Given what had happened over the past four months, he figured the two of them needed to have the privacy to talk if they so chose.
He folded his arms across his chest and spoke. "You know, Pa, we'll be getting back two days before Christmas. We should do some shopping for those miscreants while we're in Stockton."
Ben nodded his head absently as he stared out the window. He felt the stage lurch forward and found himself looking for Hoss and Joe as they passed the buildings of Virginia City. He noticed Adam leaning towards the window, too, and thought that perhaps he wasn't the only one having doubts about this trip.
~*~*~*~*~*~
"Joe, I wish you could have seen your face back there!" Pulling the wagon to a stop in the yard of the ranch, Hoss stepped down from the driver's seat. He had laughed the whole way home at the expression on Joe's face after Adam had given his parting advice to their younger brother. He didn't think anyone's face could get that red and not explode.
"Will you knock it off? It wasn't that funny."
"Oh, yes it was. If you had said that to me or Adam, we'd have had to pick you up off that platform. Not that you'd have had sense enough to whisper it." Hoss ignored his brother's irritated voice and continued with his assessment of what had transpired earlier in town.
"Hoss, I said to drop it." Joe's monotone voice sounded from the back of the wagon.
"Aw, I'm just funnin' with you," Hoss said as he went around to the back of the wagon and pulled a sack of flour forward. Hefting it on his shoulder, he continued, "You're problem is—"
"—you! My problem is standing not two feet from me wearing an ugly white hat. You can unload this thing yourself, I'm not listening to you any more," Joe said and stormed off into the house.
Hoss stunned for a moment. He had always kidded Joe before, and his brother had never reacted like that before. He had only wanted to make him smile. It had been a long time since Joe had shown a true smile.
He could not imagine having to walk in Joe's shoes for the last four months or so. When Laura had died, it was as if a piece of Joe went as well. They all knew Joe had seen Jack commit suicide – Joe's tortured pleas woke the whole house up at night.
Every night he heard Pa go to Joe's room and almost plead with his son to talk to him. And, in all instances, Joe sent their father away without uttering one word of explanation. It wasn't hard to see the way his family had changed – it seemed to be him, Pa, and Adam…plus Joe.
Shaking the dark thoughts from his head, Hoss surmised that his brother needed time and space to heal, and he aimed to give Joe both.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Dinner had been a quiet affair with hardly a word being spoken. Hoss was reminded of Joe's involuntary silence of just a few days ago. He found himself fighting the urge to answer his own questions as he and his family had learned to do.
"So, Joe, what are you planning doing tomorrow?" Hoss asked, trying to get some sort of response from his brother. A shrug was apparently the only answer he was going to get. Sighing, he continued his way through the steak and potatoes before him.
After they had finished, Hoss looked across the table and spoke. "Joe, you want to play a game of checkers? It's been a while since we played, and I thought it would something fun to do since Pa and Adam aren't here."
"No, I think I'll pass tonight – I'm kind of tired," Joe said, pushing himself away from the table and heading for his room.
"Are you sure? I don't mind letting you win," came the reply. He followed his brother from the dinning area and into the great room, taking a seat in the blue chair near the fireplace.
Hoss hoped that the young man would rise to the bait. He'd never known his brother accept the possibility of being allowed to win.
Joe felt his muscles tighten. He just wanted to make a quick getaway and it was being denied him. The frustration boiled out of him as he snapped at his well meaning sibling. "I said I don't want to play! How many different ways can I say it?"
"All right, I was just offering," Hoss replied, his eyes never leaving the retreating back. He felt disoriented by his brother's actions. Normally, he had not trouble understanding the young man.
Hearing a door quietly shut upstairs, he settled back in his older brother's chair. He wished he had Adam's knowledge or his Pa's inherent understanding of the youngest Cartwright.
The only comfort he could find was in fervent prayers to the Almighty.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Joe felt like a caged animal in his bedroom. He had not been tired as he had claimed – only wanting to avoid the plying concern in Hoss's eyes. He did not want understanding, compassion, concern or any other gamut of emotions. All he wanted, with a near desperate need, was to be left alone. He found it ironic that he was in much the same position as when he had first left. Joe wished he could find that peace that he had found while staying with Jack.
He felt his heart lurch at the memory of the other man's death. Joe knew everyone wanted to know what exactly had happened on the ranch, but how could he tell them he had walked into the back bedroom just as Jack pulled the trigger? His mind went back to shock, disbelief, and absolute horror of seeing pieces of the other's head simply missing – 'No, not missing,' he thought as revulsion turned his stomach, 'it was spread all over the wall, bed, and floor.'
Giving himself a mental shake, Joe made a decision – he needed a strong drink and would only find what he wanted in Virginia City. He grabbed his spare jacket, shrugged it on, and walked to his window. After tugging for a few seconds, he remembered that the window had been stuck for most of the summer—Adam had told him that the house had shifted, but it wouldn't be too hard to remedy. Too bad that chore had been moved down to the bottom of the list. Now, with winter closing in, there was no way for him to get the thing fixed without someone getting suspicious.
Joe sighed in frustration and decided he would just have to do it the hard way – through the front door. Quietly, he crossed to his bedroom door and cautiously opened it, listening intently for any sound that would indicate Hoss or Hop Sing were still up. Hearing nothing, he crept to the top of the stair and paused for a moment, trying to remember just where the creaky floorboards were. Just as he was neared the bottom, his foot discovered a new creak. The noise sounded loud in the quiet house.
He also found Hoss had fallen asleep in Adam's chair. He watched as the other man shifted apparently seeking a more comfortable position. His heart in his throat, Joe hesitated to take the last step as his brother started snoring again.
He released the breath he had been holding and quietly eased across the great room to the sideboard where the guns were kept. Quickly grabbing his gun belt, Joe carefully slipped out the door and hurried across the yard to the barn.
He saddle Cochise in record time and soon found himself on the road to Virginia City.
'With any luck,' he surmised, 'I'll be out of here and back before anyone realizes I'm gone.'
Entering the noisy saloon, Joe ignored the calls of his friends as he weaved through the throng of men to reach the bar. He was not so sure this was a good idea any more. He had headed to the Silver Dollar out of habit – failing to take into account his friends would be there as well. All he wanted was to get drunk not socialize with everyone.
"Hey, Charlie," Joe greeted the barkeep. He slapped some money on the counter and said, "Give me a bottle of whiskey and a glass."
Charlie had been working at the saloon for quite a few years and had never known the youngest Cartwright to order anything stronger than beer. He could tell by the tense set of Joe's shoulders that if he questioned the order the young man would just go somewhere else. He recalled the events of four months earlier and figured if anyone had a reason to drink Joe did. Silently, he reached behind him for the requested items, passed them across, and took the money.
Joe nodded his thanks and turned to look for an empty table. Spotting one in the back corner, he sat down facing the bar. He decided this way he could see someone coming – like Hoss or Roy.
For the most part he was left alone and the bottle's content slowly disappeared. By the time Jesse Waters appeared next to Joe, he had achieved his goal – he was finally numb to the circumstances surrounding Laura and Jack's deaths.
"Hey, Joe," Jesse said, pulling out a chair and sitting down next to his former boss. "What are ya doing here all alone?"
He didn't answer and just looked at the lanky, dark haired young man across from him. Jesse was close to Hoss's age and had started working for the Cartwrights back in the early Spring. He had done well enough with his work when sober – always claiming he was out having a good time. His father had excused the younger man's behavior for a few weeks since it wouldn't have been the first time one of the men had gotten rowdy in town. Gradually, Jesse's work slipped until his father was left with no choice but to let the young man go.
Joe pulled himself back to the present and spoke to his unwanted companion. "Is there anything in particular you need or are you helping to keep that chair from floating off?"
"I just thought you looked like you needed a friend is all."
Joe felt the calming effect of the liquor leaving as he started to get riled again. "I don't need anybody, do you hear me? Just…leave me alone."
"Nope, not going to do it," Jesse replied as he settled himself more firmly in the chair. "I have some friends I want you to meet."
Joe heaved a sigh, his hand tightening on the whiskey bottle. "Look, if you don't go, I will. I'm not interested in meeting any friends of yours."
"Oh, I think you're interested. You're just afraid to have a little fun what with your pa and older brothers keeping an eye on you all the time. But we both know Ben and Adam are out of town so…why not live it up a little? Have a bit of fun before your keepers come home?"
Joe let his mind ponder the other's words as he absently twirled his shot glass. He had been feeling like his family thought he needed a keeper of sorts. He was beginning to feel like he couldn't go to the outhouse without one of the following to make sure he was all right.
He glanced up and flashed a tight grin. "Sure, why not?"
~*~*~*~*~*~
Cochise plodded along the frozen earth towards the Ponderosa, and Joe hung on to the horse's reins grimly. He had managed to get into the saddle – despite being highly inebriated. He was not sure how much he'd had to drink after joining Jesse and his friends at another table. The only thing he was aware of was the lateness of the hour. He had not intended on staying out till the early hours of the morning. Time had just seemed to lose all meaning as he continued in his pursuit of forgetting.
He felt the horse stumble on a patch of icy and barely managed to stay seated. In a vague way, he was concerned what Hoss would say when he finally showed up. He knew what to expect with Pa or Adam but Hoss…this would be a new experience for both of them. He felt a giggle rising in his chest at the thought of Hoss fussing at him like Pa. He knew he should be worried but couldn't find it in him to even care.
The ranch house came into view, and Joe could see lights on in all the windows. He felt his heart constrict, for a brief moment, at the knowledge he had caused his beloved brother to worry. The moment passed as he succumbed to the alcohol flowing through his veins once again.
He slipped out of his saddle and pulled the pinto towards the barn. If he was lucky he could get Cochise settle before Hoss discovered he had returned. Just as he was pulling open the barn door, he heard the front door open and a bellow of "Joseph!" that sounded suspiciously like his father's voice. He turned to see his brother's large frame barreling towards him. Judging from the expression on the other man's face and the anger flashing in his eyes, Joe knew he was in for a quite a ruckus.
"Joe," Hoss said as he stopped next to his brother. He had been frantic when he'd gone in to check on his young brother only to find said brother missing. "Dadburnit, where in the hell do you think you were doing sneaking off like that? Do you have any idea how worried I've been? Or do you even care?"
Joe opened his mouth to answer but could not seem to get any words out. He just stood there and watched his brother's heaving chest before his eyes. He had seen Hoss angry plenty of times but never like this. Pulling on Cochise's lead, he stabled the animal and removed the saddle. In the back of his mind, he was aware that not only had Hoss followed him but was still ranting and raving.
As he reached for the brush, Joe felt his brother's large hand settle on his. He was captivated by the look of anger and disgust on Hoss's face.
"You don't care do you? That's just it…you think you have some right to hurt the rest of us because you're hurting," Hoss spat at the figure before him. He was furious to discover Joe reeking of whiskey. He wasn't even sure how his brother had managed to get home in such a condition. 'I guess God does watch over fools and children,' he thought to himself as Joe staggered again.
Joe felt his numbness leave to be replaced by an all-consuming anger. He was an adult – he had no need to justify himself to Hoss or to anyone else. He could feel his chest tighten in reaction to the emotions rolling through him.
"You listen to me brother and you listen good. I am not, nor have I ever been, accountable to you. Pa, yes. You…I don't think so. Pa left you in charge, fine. That means I'm accountable to you on the ranch's time. When I'm not working, what I do is none of your business. Do you understand me?"
Hoss watched as the young man turned and stumbled his way through the barn towards the house. He realized, now, that he had taken the wrong tack with the volatile personality of his brother.
He reached out and stroked Joe's horse between the ears.
"What're we going to do, Cooch? How do we stop him?"
Hoss felt his breath catch as he watched Joe stagger through the front door. His family was being ripped apart, and there was nothing he could do about it. Hoss struggled to find a calmness within him to deal with the situation but only found himself wishing his father were at home.
~*~*~*~*~*~
As the cool of October passed into the chill of late November, Hoss Cartwright watched as his brother deteriorated. In the days after his argument with Joe, he had watched as brother left the house earlier and earlier until Joe was barely spending anytime in the saddle doing his job. When Joe decided to staggered back home in the predawn hours, he reeked of whiskey and cheap perfume. They barely spoke more than the courtesy greetings one gave a stranger in passing.
Hoss longed for the days of his brother's schemes. He was living with a total stranger and, no matter how he tried to approach his brother, he was always turned away with a cold shoulder and biting remarks. He tried to console himself with the knowledge that it was the alcohol talking – Joe didn't really mean the hurtful words. But, the longer he lived with the situation, the more he believed he'd never see the real Joe.
Twice he had gone into Virginia City with the intention of sending a telegram to his father. Each time he had turned away at the last minute not wanting to worry his father.
Sitting at the dinning room table, Hoss sat bent over his plate. He absent-mindedly pushed the bacon and eggs that Hop Sing had prepared from one side of the dish to the other. He was startled when the chair across from his was suddenly yanked out. He looked up to see Joe sit down and start putting small amounts of food on a plate.
He took in the sallow-looking youth – the changes in his brother were hard to miss. The laughing eyes were now hard as flint, the once laughing mouth was perpetually turned down – there was very little about Joe that he recognized as his brother.
"What, haven't you ever seen anyone eat before?" Joe demanded when he noticed his brother staring at him. Never stopping his movements, he narrowed his eyes as he saw the look of anger flash across the other man's face.
Hoss fought back the anger and the hurt. 'It's just the liquor,' he repeated the old mantra to himself. The more he said it the less he believed it, however. He was beginning to believe that the whiskey was loosening his brother's tongue…revealing the true nature of the young man across from him.
"I'm not looking at anything, Joe," Hoss replied, trying to placate his brother. He just didn't have the energy to deal with another row this morning. Hoping for find some neutral ground, Hoss said the first thing that came to mind. "One of the hands said he saw you yesterday in town. Said you was hanging around with Jesse Waters in the Delta."
"Now you've got the hands watching me?" Joe bellowed incredulously.
"That's not what I said and you know it, younger brother," Hoss said, attempting to stop the fight before it could even start. "One of the hands had to go into town for supplies and saw your horse tethered out front of the saloon."
Hoss waited for the explosion that was sure to follow. It was a near daily routine at breakfast. He was surprised when Joe simply sat his napkin down and quietly rose from the table. Watching his brother, Hoss felt like he was waiting for the other shoe to drop. His brother did nothing more than walk to the sideboard, strapped on his gun belt, and grabbed his coat and hat. Just as he was about to heave a sigh of relief, Joe turned towards him.
"I'm not a little kid, and I won't stand for being watched. If I think for a second I'm being watched, I'll hightail it out of here and won't come back," Joe said in a low, even voice. With that proclamation, he barged through the open door and slammed it shut behind him.
'Please, God,' Hoss begged, 'let me hold on until Christmas.'
The sigh that had been working its way out before escaped from Hoss the moment the door shut. "And a good morning to you, too, little brother."
~*~*~*~*~*~
As he bounced in his seat on the stagecoach, Adam glanced across at his father and saw the furrows of worry which had been left after two months.
"You know, Pa," he said, scratching at a persistent itch on his nose, "I'm sure that, once we get back on the ranch, Joe'll be much better."
His father's eyes focused on him, and Adam could see it was an effort for the older man to bring himself back from where his mind had gone.
Ben said, as he, too, tried to find a new position to sit. "I would have let you go but there was no way for me to get out of it on such short notice."
Ben tightened his lips in a small smile and retuned his gaze to the snow-covered landscape beyond the window. He was pleasantly surprised to see that the stage was pulling up in front of the depot platform. As soon as they stopped moving, he flung the door wide and looked for his younger sons.
Following his pa from the stagecoach and into the cold, late afternoon sun, Adam was surprised to find no one waiting for them. He was sure that his father had sent a telegram to his younger brothers letting them know the date and time of their arrival.
"Pa," he asked, looking around the platform, "you did send a telegram, didn't you?"
His father's face held a puzzled expression as he, too, realized Hoss and Joe were nowhere to be found. "Yes, I did send word to them. I was hoping we could have dinner at the hotel to celebrate those contracts. Well, I suppose something could have happened on the ranch and that's why they're not here."
"You never know with those two, Pa," Adam said with a grin in his voice. "They could have sold the ranch and high-tailed it in search of some kind of adventure."
Glancing at his son's laughing eyes, Ben smiled in agreement. "You have to admit that, no matter what they get into, it's always unique."
Adam laughed with Pa as he helped the driver get the luggage and packages unloaded. "Why don't you go hire a buggy for us to get home while I go deposit this advance payment?"
"We could go get that steak dinner afterwards," Ben suggested, as the last of the packages was handed to him.
"Nah, we can wait till later – I don't think Hoss would appreciate being left out," Adam replied while taking inventory of their things.
"No, Hoss wouldn't appreciate that at all, older brother," Hoss said, as he approached the talking men from behind.
"Hoss! Good to see you," Ben said, reaching out and pulling his son into a quick embrace. "I take it Joseph and you were running a bit behind schedule? Where is he, anyway?"
Adam looked around and saw no sign of the youngest Cartwright. When Pa mentioned Joe's name, a flicker of some undefined emotion flashed across Hoss's face.
"Hoss, what's happened? Is Joe all right?" Adam asked, as he looked from his father to his brother.
"Let's not talk about it here. We can wait till we get home," Hoss said, trying to deflect the question and refused to meet anyone's eyes. He jerked his thumb behind him as he said, "I brought the buggy with me, and it's down that way."
Ben grabbed the arm in front of him and demanded, "Is Joe okay? He's not had a relapse or anything like that has he?"
"Fact of the matter is that I don't know where Joe is at the moment. I'll explain later. But, as far as I know, he's fine," Hoss said. After a brief hesitation, he continued. "Let's get your stuff on the buggy, and we can talk more once we get started."
"I need to go deposit that draft in the bank. Can you pick me up there or do you want me to meet you back here?"
"We'll wait for you outside the bank. Since we have to right by there on the way home, there's no sense in you having to double back." Ben said, as he started to lift one of their bags to put on the buckboard.
Adam nodded his head in agreement. "Fair enough. I'll see you in a bit."
Leaving his father and brother to track down Joe, Adam headed down the boardwalk at a brisk pace. Wishing everyone he passed a "Merry Christmas", he soon found himself in front of the bank, and entering quickly, headed straight for the bank president's office.
When Bill Ashford's office, he pause in the door and tapped a knock on the doorframe. The older gentleman glanced up and smiled a greeting.
Bill Ashford had always been an imposing figure of a man despite the fact he was several years younger than his pa. It certainly was not because of his size—he was as slim as his youngest brother, Joe, and not much taller. The impression was due to how the man carried himself: with confidence and grace. Adam could not remember ever having seen the man in anything less than a suit and tie, even during off-business hours, and his dark hair never out of place.
"Adam, how are you?" Mr. Ashford inquired, motioning for the oldest Cartwright son to take a seat. "I didn't realize you and your father had gotten back from your trip."
"We just got back on the stage not ten minutes ago," Adam answered, taking off his hat and fishing around for the payment he'd hidden with in the lining. "I've got a draft that needs to be deposited."
The banker took the proffered paper and began the paperwork to put the money into the Cartwright account. "I saw Joe the other day in town. I didn't seem him to speak to him, but I thought it was odd he wasn't on the ranch at that time of day."
"I'm sure he was picking up supplies for the Ponderosa if he wasn't actually working," Adam replied, leaning back in his chair and stretching a bit. It had been a long ride in the stagecoach, and he was grateful for the opportunity to move about.
Bill stopped his writing to look the other man in the eye. "I hardly think he was picking up supplies in the Delta Saloon. In fact, scuttlebutt has it that he's been hanging around with Jesse Waters and his friends."
Adam was stunned into speechlessness. He was thankful that Bill didn't offer any more small talk but finished the deposit. 'That must be what Hoss was referring to back at the buggy,' he thought to himself. Taking the receipt from the other's hand, he absentmindedly said goodbye and left.
He walked through the door of the bank and had to stop for a moment to clear his head. Adam knew Jesse had a reputation as a hardnosed kid. When the kid had worked for them, it had been a near constant battle to keep him from drinking on the job. He'd had his suspicions that Waters had broken that rule but hadn't ever been able to prove it. So, he kept an eye out and his thoughts to himself.
Hearing a rumble approaching, he glanced up to see Pa and Hoss pull to a stop in front of him.
"Hey, stranger," Hoss said with a grin. "Need a lift somewhere?"
Adam smiled back. "As a matter of fact, I do. Don't suppose you're heading out towards the Ponderosa? Or will you need directions?"
"I have a general idea as to where it's at," came the reply. "If I get too lost you can set me straight, how's that?"
The oldest Cartwright son's dimples showed as he replied, "Sounds like a fair deal to me."
Clambering into the back of the surrey, he clapped his large brother on the back. "Onward, my dear man. If you can get us home in time for supper, there's a chance you'll get a good tip."
Hoss laughed as he slapped the reins, and the surrey began the journey towards the ranch. He felt as if he hadn't laughed in a lifetime. The long days of Joe's sullen moods had taken their toll on him, and he felt it was a miracle that he even remembered how to find humor in things. He had also felt unaccountably relieved when he had seen his father and brother dismount from the stage. It was a relief to share the burden of the youngest Cartwright.
For a time, they traveled in silence with each man taking comfort in the others' company.
Ben finally felt he could wait no longer to find out what had gone on in his absence. Reaching over, he placed a hand on Hoss's shoulder for a brief moment before speaking. "Hoss, can you tell me what you meant back at the depot?"
Adam's ears perked up. He was curious to know what could have happened that would cause the whole town of Virginia City to be talking about Joe. Bill Ashford was not a man given to idle gossip, so he knew it had to be something serious for the other man to even bring it up.
Hoss cleared his throat before beginning. "It's-it's hard to really say when Joe stopped caring. The first night you'd gone, Joe snuck of into town and didn't get home until nearly two o'clock in the morning. When he did get home, he was so drunk he could barely stand up straight…"
Hoss continued his story the whole way home with barely a pause for breaths. Once he started, he found it impossible to stop the story from pouring out. He'd held on as long as he could but, now, was grateful to have someone else to take over things. He did not notice the look of sadness on his father's face or the look of concern forming on Adam's.
"Last night was the worst of it," Hoss continued, guiding the horse through a slippery patch on the road home. "He came in drunk again and-and I just couldn't stand it no more, Pa. I'd walked on eggshells long enough. I thought that maybe if I said something…he might take notice of things. I should have known better, though, especially after that first night. Pete said he could hear us yelling clear into the bunkhouse. I don't really remember what was said – except that Joe said he'd come home when he was good and ready. I haven't seen him since."
Ben was flabbergasted at the picture of what it had been like for him alone with Joe. Looking at the dejected figure driving the carriage, he reached a consoling hand to his son's neck. "Hoss…why didn't you send word? I'd have left for home immediately, contract or no contract."
Hoss hung his head for a moment before looking at Pa. "I didn't want to worry you none. I figured it'd blow over but it never did. I kept praying that he'd turn back into our Joe"
Adam had listened to his brother's tale unfold and felt the horror of knowing, while he had been having fun in Stockton, Hoss had been home dealing with a living nightmare. His two younger brothers had always been close, and he knew it had to be killing Hoss's soul to see Joe's deterioration. His thoughts were confirmed with his brother's whispered words.
"Pa, I prayed—prayed for a miracle that never came."
~*~*~*~*~*~
As Christmas Day dawned, Adam lay in his bed listening to the comforting sounds of home. He could hear Hoss snoring across the hall and the creaking of his father's bed as my turned over. The only sound missing was that of Joe talking in his sleep.
He had sat up most of the night waiting for the missing family member to decide to come home, but they had given up their vigil by one o'clock in the morning. The lines of worry that had been etched into his father's face during their trip seemed to become deeper, if that were possible. He knew Pa blamed himself for leaving, but the older man was willing to admit that Joe had to make his own way in life.
Adam sighed as sat up in his bed. He was reluctant to leave the warmth for the cold room that waited beyond the covers. Swinging his legs over the edge of his bed, he made a quick grab for his clothes nearby and, in record time, was dressed. As he pulled his boots on, he heard a noise downstairs.
Quietly, he pulled his revolver from his bedside table and went to the door. He pulled the door open without a sound and slipped down the hall towards the stairs. The thump of someone walking around in the great room reached his ears again.
When he approached the top of the stairs, the sounds stopped. He paused, listening intently for a sound to let him know where the trespasser was in the living room. He heard a muffled curse as something fell to the ground with a loud bang. He eased his way down the first two steps, grateful that whoever was down there had not noticed him.
The orange glow of dying embers from last night's fire cast eerie shadows across the room below. He held his breath as he tried to see a shifting in the dim light. Adam leaned over the banister with his gun aimed and called out. "Who's down there?"
"Who do you think it is—Santa Claus?" He was more than a little shocked when his youngest brother's caustic voice answered him. "And put that gun away . . . unless you're planning on killing your own brother."
The scathing tone to Joe's voice shocked Adam, despite what Hoss had told him the day before. He had seen Joe in many forms over the years. Angry, hurt, sick, guilty…these Adam knew he could deal with but this – this was more than he felt capable of handling.
"Joseph! Where on God's green Earth have you been? Do you have any idea how worried we've been? How worried I've been?" Ben's voice boomed from behind Adam. He turned to see his father tying the sash to his robe and Hoss standing behind Pa.
"Pa, I came home to get some clothes. I wasn't going to—" Joe started to say but stopped once he got a good look at the look of wrath on his father's face. He briefly wondered if God had looked like that right before striking down Sodom and Gomorrah.
"Let me guess, you weren't planning on spending the day with your family—was that it?" Ben asked in a deceptively calm voice as he walked past his son on the stairs. Taking a deep breath, he glanced at Joe in shock. "Are you drunk?"
Joe nodded his head and felt a dull throb take up residence behind his eyes. "You can't force me to stay here."
Ben felt more than heard his older sons approach him from behind. He felt their presence and drew comfort from them. He prayed Joe saw the worry for him but, from the look on his youngest's face, Joe saw it as a confrontation.
Adam watched his brother, trying to gauge whether the young man would stay or give in to the need to run. He held his breath and sent a silent plea for his brother to remain. Leaving his father's side, he walked around the room and lit the lamps to banish the shadows.
Ben knew yelling would cause the young man before him to leave again and that would solve nothing. He could see the hurt in his son's green eyes. He couldn't remove that niggling voice of fear in the back of his mind – the voice that taunted him with words of Joe ending his own life. The voice which spoke of images that caused nausea to roll through his stomach.
"We might not be able to stop you but we can give it damn good try," Adam said, moving back to his father's side. The change in Joe's appearance was shocking. The young man had lost a considerable amount of weight and the dark circles only accentuated the redness of his eyes.
Joe gave a derisive snort. "Oh, what are you going to do? Tie me up to keep me here?"
Adam said exactly what was on his mind. "If that's what it takes, damn it. I'm not about to let you go off in the state you're in!"
Looking at his young son, Ben was horrified at the changes that had taken place. "Joe, your brother's right. You—"
As he felt the pressure closing in on him again, Joe cut his hard eyes towards his father and brothers to judge whether they would carry out the threat if he simply turned on his heel and left.
Hoss stood by watching his family. He did not see much reason to get involved it was his last attempt to talk to Joe, which caused the younger man to leave. He was not ready for it to happen again. He had faith in Pa and Adam to get through to his young brother.
"Joe," Adam said, hoping his voice sounded calm and soothing – the tone he had used when Joe was a child and in need of comfort. "Just stay, for the one day. That's all we're asking."
"Fine," Joe spat the words at his family. "I'll stay—until Christmas is over. Then I'm leaving."
~*~*~*~*~*~
"Well, that was a wonderful breakfast. Why don't we go open our presents?" Ben asked, trying for normalcy. He pushed back from his place at the head of the table and moved from the dining room. Joe had always loved the holiday – always enjoying giving more than receiving. He glanced back but saw only the hard look which seemed so out of place on his youngest son's face.
Well, that certainly was a dismal meal, Adam thought to himself as he followed his family. Breakfast had been cooked by Hop Sing who kept up a constant stream of Cantonese at having been awakened in the middle of the night.
Looking around the dimly lit room of the cabin, Joe felt as if his heart had shattered. Where love had once dwelt, now only bitter regret remained. This place was to have been their home. Now, however, it was a reminder of things that would never be.
He allowed his mind to wander back to happier times. Joe remembered the looks of happiness from his older brothers, Adam and Hoss. They had helped him fix the small cabin into a home—into something more than walls and a roof. Their laughter and good-natured joking had made the work seem effortless. He had been so proud when the work was finished.
The cruelty of Fate was now imprinted on his soul. His wife-to-be had died in his arms and in the very house; they were to have shared after their marriage. He was sure he would never be able to return to this land, no matter how old he should live. Now, he did not feel as if he would live for very long—his heart seemed to struggle with each beat against the grief that now consumed him.
Turning, he slowly made his way across to the small bed where Laura had spent her last moments. He sat down and leaned against the headboard. Joe shut his eyes, allowing the despair to flow through him. Hot tears welled behind his closed eyes and moved in slow tracks down his face. The life he had envisioned for himself and Laura was now far beyond his grasp.
"Joe…"
Joe sat up quickly, opening his eyes to look around him. His breath came in quick gasps – he was sure he was losing his mind. He could have sworn he had heard her voice.
"Joe…"
There it was again, anger flashed through him at whoever was doing this. It wasn't funny – not by a long shot. "Who's there?"
A faint smell of jasmine drifted to his nose, and he was reminded of Laura's fondness for the scent. His throat constricted at the memory.
"I don't know who's doing this, but just stop." Joe demanded, simply wanting to be alone in his despair and wasn't even afforded that. He got up to go to the front door but a soft breeze across his face stopped him in his tracks.
"Joe, don't go. Not yet."
Again, the soft voice came to him. He felt the hair rise on the back of his neck, and he turned to look behind him. Joe felt as if his heart stopped at the sight. Laura stood behind him in her light day dress and dark hair pulled back from her smiling face. He reached out a hand to her, but she stepped lightly away from him.
"Joe, don't grieve for me," Laura said, stopping just beyond his reach near the fireplace.
He was sure he was going insane. There was no other explanation for this. Joe shut his eyes tightly for a moment before reopening them. She still stood before the hearth.
"How can I not?" he asked, barely able to speak past the lump in his throat.
Laura looked at the handsome young man standing in the middle of the living room. He looked pale and had dark shadows beneath his eyes. She wanted to help him before sorrow destroyed him.
"There was nothing different you could have done. No one could have helped me that day."
Joe looked away for a moment, denying the truth of her words. Glancing back at Laura, he said, "No, I-I could have done something…should have done something."
A sad smile pulled at her lips. "Joe, there was nothing anyone could have done—not you, not a doctor…no one. Only God could have saved me, and you are not Him."
"Why? Why didn't He help you?" he still could not understand why she had been taken away. He could not accept that a loving God would allow something like this to have happened.
Laura shook her head gently and looked at him with fathomless eyes. "I don't know what to say to you . . . how to help you – to make you let me go."
"I don't want to, not yet," his whispered confession caused Laura to step closer to him. She stopped inches from him and raised her hand to caress his face. Joe turned his face into the soft touch.
He felt tears sting his eyes at her words. "Please . . . ."
She let her other hand rest over his beating heart. "I'll be here – always."
He gazed into her eyes and let his hand rest over hers. He lowered his head and captured her lips in a tender kiss. Joe wished the moment could last forever. When he opened his eyes, his arms were empty but the scent of jasmine lingered.
