Cheryl did something with the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. This takes place shortly after the episode Keys Open Doors.

A Real Life Belko Experiment

"All right," Lana addressed her main staff in her office. "Let's briefly go over what happened on our last mission."

"AKA working vacation," Pam spoke up.

"It wasn't a vacation!" Lana snapped.

"Well not the end part with all the bullets," Pam admitted.

"Just so I'm clear," Zara remarked. "You lot basically destroyed a small town and almost every building there, murdered a quarter of the population of that small town, annihilated the only real income that town had…"

"Which was cocaine," Pam pointed out.

"While helping out the government so they can sell their own cocaine," Zara added. "And Lana got addicted to cocaine. How exactly is that making the world a better place?"

"It's a shut up!" Lana barked. "And if you were here, I wouldn't have had to go out into the field!"

"But did you?" Archer asked.

"Yes! I did!" Lana snapped.

"Look Lana I don't want to be that guy," Archer began.

"He loves being that guy," Pam scoffed to the others.

"Not in this case!" Archer barked. "Lana you're starting to become a little too much of a micromanager."

"Like your mother," Cheryl nodded. "I saw where you were going with that."

"I didn't want to use the M word," Archer admitted. "But your behavior is exactly what Mother always did!"

"I am not acting anything like Mallory," Lana scoffed.

"How many times did she come on missions?" Ray asked. "Remind me again."

"Listen!" Lana snapped. "One, we got paid. Two, the government gave us a great review on GSW which will lead to more jobs! Three, technically we did get rid of some drugs…"

"And an entire town," Zara added.

"Shut up," Lana snapped. "Four, obviously those of you who went on the mission will get a small commission even though I had to almost single handedly save your asses…But Pam, Archer and Cyril you still get something."

"It's only fair," Archer quipped. "Lana got a cocaine addiction."

"I'm fine now," Lana waved. "Krieger gave me some shit and it helped me calm down quickly. Plus, I'm self-medicating…" She took a drink of scotch.

"Oh, good you're just drinking," Pam let out a sigh of relief. "For a minute there I thought the cocaine might have messed you up."

"Please I've already been messed up for years," Lana waved. "That didn't come out the way I thought it would."

Cheryl spoke up. "You mean besides all the psychological shit you've been through, you've survived all sorts of toxins, poisons, gunshot wounds, snake venoms, Krieger's concoctions as well as wild drunken rages. I got that."

"Here's something I don't get," Lana looked at Cheryl and Krieger. "What the hell were you idiots doing while we were away? Kurt and half the employees have been whining to me all morning!"

"Okay I didn't want to say anything," Krieger spoke up. "But Kurt is becoming a real problem with morale around here."

"Not as much as you idiots scaring the staff!" Lana shouted. "Do I even want to know why?"

"It just sort of happened," Krieger shrugged. "We were acting normally…According to society's rules anyway and everyone just freaked. For no reason! Even though we were literally doing nothing!"

Ray remarked. "To be fair I see their point."

Pam agreed. "Yeah, when those two start acting normal, you know something's up!"

"Gotta give them that," Archer admitted.

"Then things sort of slid into a study of human behavior," Krieger went on. "That almost got a tiny bit out of control."

"Basically, this office was one step away from becoming a real life Belko Experiment," Cheryl admitted. "Damn it! We should have tried harder!"

"Don't," Lana glared at her. "Obviously I can't leave you two alone in the office ever again."

"And yet for some reason," Archer quipped. "I can actually see you doing that."

"Me too," Ray grinned.

"And where the hell were you doing this whole episode?" Lana snapped at Ray.

"Yeah, it's like you don't even work here anymore," Cheryl added. "I mean to be fair neither do the rest of us…"

"Hey everybody else got to take off and do some self-care!" Ray protested. "Why shouldn't I?"

"He has a point Lana," Archer added. "In fact, why the hell didn't you bring Ray along? He could have flown the helicopter instead of Cyril!"

"And Cyril could have stayed behind at the office," Pam realized. "Yeah, why didn't Ray come? Phrasing!"

"Ray was doing another mission!" Lana barked.

"A courier mission!" Ray pointed out. "And if you waited a few hours, I could have gotten that done and joined you!"

"Hey we got seven hundred dollars and a good rating on GSW," Lana pointed out.

"For me to drop off some specs for the new CIA Wellness Retreat they're going to build out in Ulster County!" Ray scoffed. "Yeah, that was an important mission!"

"You're not supposed to read those!" Lana barked.

"I'm not supposed to do a lot of things Lana," Ray told her.

Cheryl added. "Like existing because you've literally been dead like at least two or three times and you're a cyborg. I saw where you were going with that."

"Actually, I was talking about…" Ray paused. "Never mind. Not important."

"What did you do on your vacation?" Pam asked. "Or should I ask whom did you do?"

"I treated myself to enjoying the city," Ray admitted. "I did some things I never got a chance to. I actually rode a tour bus. I went to Radio City Music Hall. I went to an outdoor concert. Met up with a few old friends. Had some fun."

"Sounds better than our damn vacation," Pam admitted.

"IT WASN'T A VACATION!" Lana shouted.

"Tell me about it," Archer groaned. "I had to give up my life as a fisherman!"

"It doesn't count being a fisherman if you had to go to the next town over and buy your fish every day!" Cyril shouted.

"Well, it sure beats the hell out of being a window washer!" Archer shouted back. "God even your fantasy life is lame!"

"One, I actually did my job!" Cyril pointed out.

"You almost did thirty days in the slammer for peeping at the Mayor's daughter!" Pam snapped.

"She could have drawn the curtains at any time!" Cyril told her. "And she didn't. Very willingly I might add! And so did her stepmother."

"Was the stepmother hot?" Archer asked.

"Oh yeah," Cyril nodded.

"Like porno hot?" Archer asked.

"Would have been if the Mayor hadn't walked in at a very inopportune time," Cyril admitted. "But things were starting to get really freaky."

Archer blinked. "Okay Cyril. I apologize. I didn't realize you were in a real-life porno situation. Especially with a hot stepmother/stepdaughter situation. Totally different thing."

"Can we just please move on?" Zara groaned.

Lana nodded. "Now that old business has been taken care of, we have new business! We already got a new client! Who saw our rating on GSW!"

"But I wanted to go on vacation!" Archer protested. "To get over our last vacation."

"It was a mission!" Lana snapped.

"Honestly…" Archer began. "Never mind."

Cheryl added. "You screw around so much that sometimes missions are vacations. Like the time we took over the country of San Marcos!"

"You did what now?" Zara did a double take.

"The mission," Lana spoke up as she turned on the monitor behind her. "The infamous assassin Elora De Luna has been spotted in New York." A picture of an elegant blond woman wearing sunglasses and a fancy red dress was shown. "The authorities think she's been hired to assassinate someone. Archer, Zara. Your job is to capture her dead or alive and prevent the assassination. Here are all the details you need to start looking."

"Why don't you just tell us?" Archer remarked as Lana gave a folder to Zara. "Since you're coming anyway."

"Actually, I'm not going on this mission," Lana told them. "Because I have to go to a doctor's appointment. My doctor just wants to check on me. Even though she works with spies and knows that accidental exposure to cocaine and other drugs is a thing…"

"And by accidental," Cyril added. "You mean you snorted almost an entire kilo."

"It's just a precaution. Pam you and Cyril are in charge," Lana told them. "Pam, you have to handle all the HR complaints today."

"There are going to be a lot of whiny bitches aren't there?" Pam groaned.

"What do you think?" Lana snapped. "Cyril, you handle the budget. And no giving anyone raises this time!"

"Sure, tie my hands!" Pam groaned.

"I should do that literally," Lana glared at her. "Cheryl you and Krieger…Just try to stay out of the way."

"Wait, what am I doing?" Ray asked. "Why don't I go on the mission?"

"Because I have another courier mission for you," Lana took out a small package.

"OH, COME ON!" Ray snapped. "Do I look like Federal Express to you?"

"More like Feder-Ray Express," Pam quipped. "When you positively absolutely have to get laid overnight."

Ray shrugged. "Good one."

"It fits," Archer admitted. "But seriously Lana even I have to admit we could use Ray's help on this one. Which means I must be more sober than I thought. Damn it. I knew those mimosas at that bar were watered down."

"Which bar?" Pam asked.

"Rene's," Archer told her. "Although I do admit their beignets were kick ass."

"Were the mimosas all you can drink?" Cyril asked.

"Yes," Archer admitted.

"There you go," Cyril waved. "How else can a breakfast brunch make a profit if they don't water down the free drinks?"

"That makes sense," Archer admitted. "Oh okay. So, I have to drink double when I go there. My own fault for not realizing that."

"It's basic drunken math," Cyril told him.

"Can we get back to me now?" Ray asked bitterly. "And why I'm stuck with the lame missions?"

"Ray, we get two grand for delivering some tiny doohickey to the NCIS base in New York," Lana looked at him. "And you get six hundred dollars for less than an hour's work with those bionic legs of yours."

"That's all I'm saying," Ray took the package. "Toodles!" He ran off.

"Okay you have your assignments," Lana got up from her desk. "Get to work!"

FLASHFORWARD TO A HALF HOUR LATER…

"This is not going to work," Pam grumbled as she looked at the paperwork in front of her. "I mean how can I get an extra long lunch if I have to deal with all these complaints?"

"How about doing your job?" Kurt snapped. He was sitting across from Pam's desk. "Which would be a change of pace around here!"

"What the hell are you whining about this time Kurt?" Pam asked.

"Cheryl and Krieger," Kurt told her. "What are you going to do about those two idiots? They're a real danger to office morale!"

"Jeeze La Rue Kurt," Pam groaned. "Those two are harmless if you give them a project to do. Usually involving stickers. If I were you I'd be more worried about this complaint filed against you."

"Against me?" Kurt was shocked. "Who would do that?"

"Uh," Pam then came up with a name. "Kathy from Accounting. I can't tell you what or why…"

"Oh, I know why," Kurt snapped. "Let me tell you something! She didn't tell you the whole story about what happened!"

Pam paused. "Go on."

Kurt sighed. "I've been on a special shake diet to help my glucose. Kathy has been taking my shakes which are clearly marked with my name on them. And when I confronted her, she said she didn't know."

"Even though your name was on them?"

"Exactly!" Kurt nodded. "And when I saw she did it again I retaliated. I took her sandwich. And I admit I ate it. Not my proudest moment but…"

"Wow," Pam remarked. "That is way different than the sexual harassment complaint she made on you."

"She said what?" Kurt shouted.

"I know," Pam lied smoothly. "She said you keep propositioning her."

"In her dreams!" Kurt snapped. "And she's one to talk. I know for a fact that she's having an affair with Vance! And he's married! And she has a boyfriend!"

"Really?" Pam paused. "Go on. Don't worry. Everything you say will be totally confidential."

ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER…

"So Vince," Pam called Vince into her office. "What's this about you and Kathy banging?"

TWO HOURS LATER…

Ray emerged from the elevator. "Well here I am," Ray grumbled. "Back from my stupid semi-well paying courier assignment back to the boring ass office."

He then noticed that several employees were arguing. Some were overly hostile to each other. "Watch it!" Kurt snapped to a female worker who bumped into him. "You did that to me deliberately!"

"Oh, what are you gonna do, Kurt?" The woman snapped. "Go whine about it some more?"

"Kiss my ass, Karen!" Kurt shouted.

"It's Kathy!" Kathy shouted back.

"I know what I said," Kurt sneered.

"That is offensive to women with K in their names!" Kathy shouted. "Especially to women actually named Karen! Like my sister who is a very good person! She rescues handicapped animals!"

"Screw you!" Kurt shouted. "In fact, go back to screwing with Vince!"

"At least somebody wants to screw me!" Karen shouted.

"Get out of my way," One woman said to another.

"You get out of my way!" The other woman snapped at her.

"Slut!" The first woman shouted.

"Drunk!" The other woman shouted back as they passed each other.

"Oh God!" One man was at the vodka cooler crying as he slumped against the wall. "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!"

"What the…?" Ray blinked. He saw another man actively drinking scotch at his desk. "I haven't seen this many people on edge since the last election."

He made his way to Cheryl's desk where she and Pam were hanging out. "Hey Ray! You're back!" Pam said cheerfully.

"Why?" Cheryl asked.

"I was bored and decided to check in," Ray remarked. "What's going on?"

"Ray I am getting so much dirt today you'd think I was back on the farm," Pam told him. "Kathy's having an affair with Vince. And she's stealing Kurt's food. Mary is mad at Louise because she once slept with her ex-boyfriend who is currently sleeping with Mary's sister. And she didn't know about it!"

"She does now," Cheryl grinned.

"Mala's brother might get deported because Angela over there dropped a dime on him," Pam pointed at the angry co-workers. "And Angela did that because for some reason she thought Mala got the credit for her work. Even though Mala swears she didn't and has no idea where she got that idea."

"I gave her that idea," Cheryl grinned.

"Tom over there has some kind of weird venereal disease and was interested in Jenna but when Jenna found out about it, she dumped him for Carl," Pam pointed. "And now Tom and Carl are rivals and everybody knows about his VD."

"Public service announcement by yours truly," Cheryl nodded. "What? It's a fair warning to all the women here!"

"And some of the men," Ray quipped.

"Susan is mad at Linda because she thinks she stole her stapler," Pam added.

"She didn't," Cheryl grinned.

"Linda is telling everyone that Susan sleeps around," Pam added. "Actually, she just told me and we told everyone else. Fred's wife left him this morning for her golf instructor. Her female golf instructor!"

"That explains why that man is crying by the vodka water cooler," Ray realized.

"That's not Fred," Cheryl corrected. "That's Dave. Dave's girlfriend dumped him for Fred when she found out Fred was free. They've been having an affair for months."

"And to think," Ray grinned. "I almost didn't come back to the office today."

"Pill popper," Pam pointed to the drones. "Recovering alcoholic who's in debt. Alcoholic who has a gambling addiction. Mild nervous breakdown. Midlife crisis. Being treated for kleptomania. Recovering alcoholic in a custody battle with bastard ex-husband who slept with her mother. Sex addict…"

"Cyril has a new friend," Ray quipped.

"Two of them," Pam added. "Both guys. Cyril's leading an impromptu sex addict meeting in his office. With drinks."

"Supplied by me," Cheryl grinned.

Pam pointed at more people. "Foot fetish. Gambler. Going through a divorce. Thinking about getting a divorce. Alcoholic. Recovering gambler. Gambler that wants a baby badly. Alcoholic who wants a husband badly. Recovering alcoholic. Into wearing furry costumes. Recovering alcoholic and glue sniffer."

"You didn't tell me that one!" Cheryl gasped. "What brand?"

Pam grinned. "You know I'd forgotten how much gossip I used to get as head of HR! I should do this job more often."

"So basically you two are just spreading gossip to get everyone riled up because you're bored?" Ray asked. "I'm in! Who's my target?"

"Him," Pam pointed. "He caught his boyfriend cheating on him with the barista at his favorite coffee shop."

"On it," Ray went off.

"Shouldn't that be on him?" Cheryl quipped.

FOUR HOURS LATER…

"I can't believe I had to bail you idiots out of another mess," Lana snapped at Archer and Zara as they walked into their office building using the parking lot. "No wait. Yes, I can! You're just lucky my doctor's office was nearby and I got out of my appointment early!"

"Makes it even more convenient for you to micromanage," Zara remarked.

"Hey I had the situation under control!" Archer snapped.

"And by under control," Zara remarked. "You mean you almost let the assassin get away with murdering a drug lord after giving her tongue."

"It was part of my seduction plan!" Archer snapped.

Zara spoke up. "And what part of the plan was it when you discovered that Elora Del Luna was actually a man in drag?"

Archer glared at Zara. "Shut up!"

"Not the first time he's kissed a dude," Lana remarked. "Or the second. Or third."

"Those lady boy hookers were genetic females!" Archer barked. "Mostly! Anyway I took care of the assassin! I shot him!"

"After he already killed the target," Zara added. "And kissed you."

"Shut up!" Archer snapped.

"With tongue," Zara added.

"No surprises there," Lana groaned. "But did you have to burn the whole hotel down?"

"Hey! Del Luna was moving pretty fast!" Archer snapped. "I couldn't hit him with the flamethrower so I ended up shooting him!"

"Where did you get a flamethrower in the first place?" Lana asked as they got into the elevator and went up.

"It was left by a lampshade," Archer waved. "Obviously Del Luna's!"

"We were almost charged with arson thanks to your little freakout!" Zara snapped.

"That hotel obviously wasn't up to code!" Archer told her as they exited the elevator. "Clearly the sprinkler system…"

He stopped midsentence when he saw what was happening in the office. "What the…?"

Some people were arguing with each other. Others were drinking. A man and a woman were making out openly. One guy was crying openly. And in the middle of it all…

"FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!" Several co-workers cheered as two men were in a circle holding knives. Both had ties on their foreheads like bandanas. "You're going down Greg!" One man snapped at the other.

"No, you're going down!" Greg shouted back.

"Place your bets people!" Pam was in the middle exchanging money. She had a white board with names and odds on it. "Place your bets!"

In another smaller area Kurt and Kathy were having an arm-wrestling match. "You're going down Kathy!" Kurt shouted.

"Please! You're weaker than those stupid shakes you love so much!" Kathy shouted back.

"THOSE ARE MY SHAKES! MINE!" Kurt yelled.

"So…" Zara blinked. "Did we miss something?"

"I'M GOING STREAKING! WHOOO!" A man ran by wearing only his underwear. "WOW!"

"If I have to hazard a guess," Archer remarked at the chaos. "I'd say this is a case of gossip overload thanks to Pam and Cheryl. With a bit of Krieger putting some kind of mood-altering drugs in the water coolers."

"OH YEAH!" A man was heard shouting. "I WOULDN'T DATE ANY OF YOU JUDGEMENTAL BITCHES ANYWAY!"

"I HAVE LYSOL TOM!" A woman shouted. "AND I WILL USE IT!"

"Even money," Lana remarked. "KRIEGER!"

"Yup! Yup! Yup!" Krieger walked over to them. He had a clipboard with him.

"How much drugs did you put in the water coolers?" Lana sighed.

"None!" Kreiger grinned. "Those are the control groups. I only put them in the vodka coolers!"

"Called it," Archer smirked.

"But not as many people drank from the vodka coolers as you would think," Krieger explained. "The people who only drank water and aren't under the influence are almost as volatile!"

"Because Pam and Cheryl were stirring up gossip, right?" Lana sighed.

"And Ray," Krieger nodded. "He's in the men's room consoling some guy whose boyfriend broke up with him."

"Yeah that tracks," Lana sighed.

"This is just like our old office parties," Archer remarked.

"WHAT?" Zara shouted.

Archer pointed at the various groups. "Drugs in the water coolers. People are drinking and screwing. Arm wrestling matches. There's a knife fight going on and people are betting on it. Cheryl is well…Being Cheryl."

Cheryl was at her desk gluing up with another woman. "Oh yeah," The other woman said dreamily. "This is the good stuff."

"It's so nice to have a co-worker I can relate to for a change," Cheryl sighed happily.

"There's a guy crying and trying to jump out the window," Archer pointed.

"DON'T STOP ME! I WILL JUMP! I WILL JUMP!" Dave was being held back by Cyril and a few other men.

"Huh, that used to be Cyril who did that," Lana blinked. "Yup. This is exactly like our old office parties."

Two men were punching each other and fighting openly. One threw the other and broke a desk. "Exactly like our old office parties," Lana sighed.

"AAAAHHH!" Tom ran away from some women spraying him with Lysol.

"Aww," Archer sighed. "I'm starting to feel nostalgic."

"Me too," Lana admitted.

"Okay," Zara looked around. "So, it's just me that thinks that this is a completely messed up situation then? All right."

"Oh, we all know this is messed up," Lana told her. "We're just used to it that's all."

"AAAAHH!" Kurt fell down as Kathy pinned his arm.

"I AM THE CHAMPION!" Kathy stood and cheered. "ALL BOW DOWN TO MY POWER!"

"KRIEGER!" Pam was heard shouting. "GET THE FIRST AID KIT! WE HAVE A BLEEDER!"

"DON'T WORRY!" Krieger replied. "THE CARPET IS SCOTCHGUARDED! A LITTLE CLUB SODA WILL GET IT OUT!"

"Oh," Pam remarked. "NEVER MIND! SOMEBODY GET SOME CLUB SODA!"

"AND SOME MORE GLUE!" Cheryl called out.

"This place is a bloody madhouse," Zara gasped.

"This is nothing," Krieger snickered. "You should have been here for the Fourth Of Ju-Luau."

"We swore to never talk about that!" Archer snapped.

"We lied," Krieger grinned.

"And you people wonder why I micromanage?" Lana sighed.