Bleach (c) Tite Kubo

Black and Blue

Reflections and Shadows

Holy. Shit.

And really, what else is Ichigo supposed to think after hearing that horror story?

Yeah, Ichigo did ask. Yeah, he was expecting disturbing; he wasn't expecting 'fucked up beyond all reason'. (He's also learning very quickly that Kaien's 'no bullshit' policy isn't just talk. But as unpalatable as they were, the blunt answers are a breath of fresh air.)

And sure, Ichigo figured a Machiavellian schemer like Aizen would have a couple grisly feats to his name.

Case and point; Aizen did pretty much cut Ichigo in half and forced Ichigo to watch him punch a hole through Rukia's chest to pinch some crazy evil gemstone Urahara hid in her soul, then teamed up with a bunch of Menos on his way out of the Seireitei.

But... inflicting Hollowfication on eight other officers just because he wanted to see what would happen? On his own freaking Captain, too? Then topping it off by framing Urahara and Tessai for the deed and casting them all into exile on pain of death?

Yeah, there's no way any sane man would inflict that hell on his own comrades. Its unconscionable. Unthinkable. And its elevated Aizen to a level of bastardry Ichigo simply doesn't understand and doesn't want to understand.

One of those officers Kaien explained happened to be his best friend, which spurred the Ex-Lieutenant to uncover the truth about that night, utterly convinced of their innocence and defying his Captain's executive orders to do it (Given the Captain was Ukitake, that spoke volumes).

That private investigation became the first domino in a chain of events which led to the death of his wife Miyako, his own death and the collapse of the Shiba clan - Kaien skimps the finer details on point two and three, but Ichigo doesn't begrudge him there.

Oh, that Captain in question? Shinji Hirako.

Ichigo's trying to reconcile that little chestnut. He's half-wondering why Shinji didn't just up and tell Ichigo they were out for vengeance. Would've earned his attention (if not his sympathies) a lot easier than making the Visoreds sound like lawless renegades who cheerfully crossed that dark line between Shinigami and Hollow, rather than having it forced upon them by a megalomaniacal lunatic.

Then again, Shinji struck him as a proud stubborn man (the dude's still pestering him nearly every other day), and the Visoreds spent the last century in exile for another man's crimes. It was probably a mix between avoiding damaging his ego by painting them all as victims and dupes, and a habitual secrecy developed over the last century in hiding.

Ichigo doesn't know how much he'd be willing to trust Shinji in that scenario, given Aizen and his patsies, but he would've taken Shinji a lot more seriously.

A stray thought strikes and Ichigo realizes he probably should've reached out to Kisuke about the whole affair - Shinji's appearance, he means, not the tragedy a century ago. The shopkeeper seems to know everything about everything going on in this town, but hindsight's a bitch like that. That is, of course, assuming Urahara bothered to tell him anything at all... the shopkeeper was a decent guy, Ichigo would even go as far as to say a friend, but he did so love his secrets.

Once again, Ichigo has to concede Kaien's point: everyone in this town is allergic to giving straight answers.

With breakfast over and paid for, they've spent the better part of the day meandering about the town in relative silence, striking up the occasional casual topic that lasts for maybe five or ten minutes before silence descends again.

Kaien is unusually quiet and subdued. Evidently lost in his own thoughts... or he's patiently waiting for Ichigo to sort through his.

Ichigo errs on the side of generosity and figures his cousin (boy, that's different) is being considerate, allowing Ichigo to digest everything he's heard. And he's honestly grateful for it.

A few earth-shattering revelations were thrown at him today, and its a lot to take in.

The personal ones seize his attention right now; the Shiba siblings are his paternal cousins (won't that be a fun conversation if he ever visited the Soul Society again) and his father is an exiled Shinigami who evidently gave up his power to be with Ichigo's mother (sounds like something straight out of those fairy tales he used to read to Yuzu and Karin every night).

Ichigo's not one for titles or all that nonsense, and it wouldn't matter anyway since he's a human in the world of the living, but after spending so long being dismissed so snobbishly by Byakuya for being a 'lowly Ryoka'? He'd pay through the nose just to see Byakuya's reaction to learning Ichigo's paternal family are the Shiba. And they technically have the same social standing in the Seireitei.

There's an additional sad kind of realization here. For as long as he could remember, Ichigo's desire was to be nothing more than to be an ordinary teenager; To live without the ability to see Ghosts or spirits or Hollows. But the truth is it was a futile wish; Ichigo was never a normal human from the beginning. He's only half-human.

On the flip side, the candid confirmation of his Shinigami blood is bizarrely liberating. It feels like he can drop a weight he never realized he was carrying.

Ultimately though, Ichigo accepts it and decides it didn't matter.

Shinigami or human or anything in between, he's still Ichigo Kurosaki. Nothing'll ever change that.

But what does matter is his inner Hollow.

The thing's been quiet - suspiciously quieter than usual, he should say. It's still a presence lingering at the very edges of Ichigo's mind, but weirdly enough there's an absence of a threat. Its just... sitting there, poised and waiting and observing. He does hear its maniac cackle, low and predatory, as if its anticipating something.

Ichigo's... still working up to actually asking how to deal with it.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Kaien offers gently, seemingly reading Ichigo's mind. He follows up with a shrug, "If you don't then that's fine too. We don't have to today and I'm not going to force anything. If you want, I could tell you more about the Shiba clan instead; our traditions, celebrations and all that stuff. We've got a lot of great customs I think you'd love - used to throw some pretty kickass dinner parties every month too. Naturally, a lotta fireworks were involved. Or I could tell you some more embarrassing stories to take your mind off everything?"

Ichigo wars with himself over the answer. On one hand, he wants the Hollow dealt with. On the other, he wants to keep pretending like it doesn't exist. Hearing stories of his cousins making asses out of themselves would end in a good belly laugh, he's got no doubts about that, but it wouldn't change the fact that he'd be running from his problems.

Ichigo is many things; a coward is not one of them. He just doesn't know where to begin. And he'd be opening a can of worms by asking those questions. How should he begin? What does it involve? Can he sort it out in an afternoon or will he be stuck dealing with this damn thing for the rest of his days?

A loose fist thumps gently on his shoulder.

"You know its okay to be scared, right?" Kaien reassures him kindly, understanding and sympathy in those eyes, "It's all pretty bone-chilling stuff and you're allowed to be afraid. You're a teenager, for god's sake, and this is a burden that should've never been put on your shoulders in the first place. Growing up is already hard enough without hearing bloodthirsty voices in your head. But you should remember that its important to never allow fear to root you in place, never let it stop you from trying to push forward. And ultimately, fear is born from a lack of understanding."

"Lack of understanding..." Ichigo repeats and scoffs at the notion then turns to his cousin, brows drawn, "Were you afraid?"

Kaien huffs, lips pulling in a forlorn smile, unconsciously his hand brushes against his chest as if trying to soothe an ache, "Hell yeah I was. How could I not be? I fell into all this ass-end backwards with no explanation whatsoever. Had absolutely no idea what was going on at the time and with everything else hitting me all at once, I wasn't exactly firing on all cylinders - that's the expression, right? But over time, when I managed to get my head back on straight, I got over it, I trained and I learned. And when I learned, I realized that there was nothing to be afraid of in the first place."

Ichigo hunches his shoulder, his hands shoved into his pockets, "Even though you spent your entire life hunting Hollows as a Shinigami, you don't feel... I don't know, freaked out having one inside you? It runs a little counter to the whole point of Shinigami, doesn't it?"

Kaien shrugs, resigned yet unrepentant, "It's not like there's anything I can do about it. The darkness has always existed within me, within all of us, buried deep but still there. The Hollow is that darkness manifested into form and given voice. I can't hide from it, I can't escape it and I certainly can't get rid of the nagging little bastard, so I choose to embrace it as part of who I am. I accept it, but I don't let it define my existence. And if using that power is a sin, then to protect what I care about I'll gladly become a sinner."

"Your Hollow must be have a better attitude than mine if you can accept it that easily." Ichigo mutters. He doesn't know how, the Hollow in his soul is terrifying. A predator constantly baying for his blood, waiting for the slightest trace of weakness or for Ichigo to slip up just once to take over.

"Better housemate than Metastacia, that's for damn sure." The former Lieutenant jokes and its an uncharacteristically bitter sound, "I don't remember saying it was easy either. It was a magnificent pain in the ass to get to this point." He gives his usual good natured grin, "But hey, if I hadn't walked that road first, I wouldn't be here giving you the cheat sheet now would I?"

Ichigo dismisses the joke with a stern look, "How'd you stop it, then?"

Kaien hums noncommittally, getting his thoughts in order. "Stopping is the wrong word. Believe it or not, its a matter of perspective. It's because you see the Hollow as a parasite. As something other. The truth is that Hollow is born from your own soul. If anything, your mindset's the biggest thing holding you back from control, or ideally cooperation. "

"Cooperate? With that thing?" Ichigo balks, he can't believe what he's hearing and he throws a hand up in exasperation. "That's impossible. And I stand by my original assessment; you're insane."

Didja ever bother ta try? The Hollow's voice hisses its mockery in his ears and Ichigo winces,

"Been there, done that; no where near as fun as the movies make it out to be. But I'm also being completely serious." Kaien brushes his neck tattoo in thought, he draws in a breath, "Alright. Ichigo, let me ask you something; when you look in the mirror, are you scared of your reflection?"

Ichigo's baffled for a second, he's looking at Kaien like he's grown a second head. Where the hell did this come from? "What?"

Kaien shrugs again, "I know, I know. Random but just stick with me here, I'm asking a legitimate question. When you look in the mirror; are you afraid of what you see?"

"No...?" Ichigo responds carefully,

Kaien points to the ground besides them, to their shadows, "Yeah, that's fair. And when you go for a walk and you see that shadow on the pavement, are you scared of that?"

Ichigo answers tersely, "No. Is there a point to these stupid questions?"

Kaien raises a hand to stop further protests, meeting Ichigo's blatant rudeness with patient understanding, "Yeah, its leading somewhere. I promise. Your reflection and your shadow; they're both facts of life, right? Consequences of our existence. So obvious, so fundamental they go completely unnoticed until someone draws attention to it. If anything, it'd freak you out if you couldn't see either of them. Alright, now keep your two answers in mind while answering my last question."

Ichigo cocks his head to one side, "Okay...?"

"If you have no problem with your reflection," Kaien rests his hand on his Zanpakuto. In a blink, the whites of Kaien's eyes turned black with the short spike of Hollow reiatsu and his voice takes on a distorted dual quality, "Then why are you scared of your shadow?"

Yeah, King. Why are ya so scared of lil old me?

Ichigo's eyes widen, "What?"

Another blink. The Hollow reiatsu, black sclera and dual voice are gone. "And this is your problem; your shadow's been loyally sticking by your side since day one and suddenly you're telling it to take a hike. You're denying it and you wonder why it's lashing out? What else is a person gonna do when they're being ignored? Get pissed and cry for attention."

Ichigo bites his lip, scowling. He figured he wouldn't like the answers, he just never guessed how little.

Kaien forges on regardless, sympathetic but firm, "At the end of the day, the one responsible for that chasm in your soul is you. The more energy you expend trying to keep the Hollow away, the more energy it expends trying to fill the gulf between the two of you. And how exactly do you expect to protect anything or anyone if you spend all your battles looking over your shoulder? The sooner you realize you and your Hollow two sides of the same coin, the sooner you'll be able to reassert balance in your spirit. The sooner you'll stop holding yourself back."

Oh ho, I like this guy. You should listen ta him, King. The Hollow's mocking drawl rings in Ichigo's ears and he grits his teeth against it. Man's got a point. Maybe if ya bothered to pay attention ta me once in a while, I'd be a lil less pushy. Ah, who am I kiddin'? We both know I won't stop!

Ichigo growls and shakes his head, to refute both of them and clear his head from the laughter ringing out in his brain, "He - the Hollow would've killed Byakuya." Ichigo protests, bitter and fierce, "He's a monster."

Disappointment flashes across his cousin's face, "You're not listening to me, are you? No. He's not a monster, because you're not a monster." Kaien insists firmly, he shakes his head with a sigh, "I told you earlier; as long as you remain true to yourself in your heart and mind, then you have nothing to worry about. What the Hollow is is your primordial self; there's an ocean of difference between the two."

Kaien presses a hand to his chest, "These Inner Hollows of ours, regardless of how they were formed, are the deepest darkest parts of our souls made manifest. The things we refuse to acknowledge about ourselves; the doubts, fears, rage, hatred - all of it. Those ugly primal urges we push to the back of our minds whenever we're faced with adversity because we've convinced ourselves we're creatures of reason. But when it comes down to it, we're really not; Case and point," Kaien points to just over his heart and to the scar on his neck in turn, "And above all else, those Hollows are our instinct to survive."

And give the man a prize!

Ichigo doesn't respond, he scowls into the distance. Eventually he settles on, "That's a load of crap."

Kaien gives him a neutral look, "Is it? Survival isn't pretty. Its ugly, desperate, visceral and never ever pretty. Sometimes survival means making sure you have enough food and drink to make it through the night. And sometimes..." Kaien grimaces, looking positively remorseful, "Sometimes it means killing the other guy before they kill you first. When people are pushed to that edge, its shocking the kind of things they're capable of doing to escape."

Kaien licks his lips and sighs, "Look, Ichigo, I get where your reservations are coming from. Its terrifying. Trust me, I know how terrifying that deep dark pit is. I know exactly how it feels to be locked away inside your own mind while something else runs around with your body causing mayhem and chaos, but acknowledging that darkness within us isn't handing over control to our lesser natures, its simply accepting them as part of who we are."

A hand lands on Ichigo's shoulder and gives a reassuring squeeze, "And you have to remember you're looking back with hindsight. Yes, Byakuya isn't your enemy anymore, but at the time - in that moment, he was. People tend to get distracted by all the stories of glory and glamour, but the Gotei 13 are still a military organization. Every single person you fought against was a soldier following orders to eliminate a threat. You were a threat and Byakuya was oathbound to kill you as an intruder."

"And yes, the Hollow took over and went berserk, but that action saved your life. Because the Hollow stepped in, you survived. I know that isn't what you want to hear, but that's the truth."

"You make it sound like the Hollow actually gives a damn about whether or not I live or die. If it did care, it wouldn't be threatening to consume me completely at every other turn." Ichigo counters harshly, arms crossed over his chest. He has to admit, there's a certain logic to what's being said... even if he's not fully prepared to accept it.

Ichigo can hear his hollow scoff, Just ain't payin' attention, are ya? I always figured yer denser than lead, King. Now I'm convinced yer off the atomic scale.

Shut up.

Kaien scrubs a hand over his face. "Okay, let's look at it from another angle then; whenever that mask showed up, what was going on? What were you doing? And I don't mean when the Hollow took over. Just the mask itself. Its showed up before, hasn't it?"

Ichigo grunts in acknowledgement. Fine, if he's stuck playing this game of twenty questions then he may as well stick it out to the end. "The first time was the Shattered Shaft under the Urahara shop, where Kisuke was helping me get my powers back. It stopped a blow from him that would've lobbed my head off."

Kaien sucks in a breath and an angry scowl etches itself into his face for a few seconds (god, they look so much alike its unnerving), he mutters something about having a word to Kisuke, before the expression drops and he forges on, "Keep going. What about after that?"

Ichigo's lips press into a thin line as he scans through his memories, "After that... it was - it was after I'd fought Renji, Byakuya's Lieutenant. One of the Fourth Division was helping us, his name is Hanataro. He said it was in my Shihakusho and it stopped a fatal blow from Zabimaru."

Ichigo's eyebrows shoot up when he remembers something more, "And I... And I was going to keep it as a good luck charm, before Hanataro stole it. Threw it into the waterways. Damn thing sunk like a stone. And later, it reappeared to block another strike when I had a showdown with Kenpachi. He would've gutted me... but when I woke up, Yoruichi told me it absorbed a huge blow that would've crushed my organs. I was going to hold onto it again but Yoruichi insisted I hand it over, she was pretty adamant about it too. Freaked me out. I honestly thought she was going to knock me the hell out to take it if I didn't."

Kaien considers his words with a contemplative hum, "Sounds to me like it wasn't a problem 'til someone else put that thought in your head. And lets follow the train of thought of what would've happened had the Hollow not stepped in; Byakuya would've killed you. After that? Rukia would've died, Aizen would've succeeded in stealing the Hogyoku, succeeded in destroying the Gotei 13 from within and walked out the door without anyone ever knowing he was behind it or he was even alive; free to carry out whatever insane schemes he cooked up in that twisted brain of his."

"Holy shit..." Ichigo breaths in realization.

And get that man another goddamn prize! Hit the nail right on the fuckin' head!

"My last point's purely speculative so we can't really count that, but you're starting to get the picture aren't you?"

Ichigo doesn't reply. He's reeling, trying to go over it all in his head. Spelt out like that, its hard to refute the facts and what they imply, but... he just-

Kaien's hand claps down on his shoulder. "C'mon. I'm taking you home. It's getting late and you've got a few things to mull through."

Author's note:

Kaien just droppin' truth bombs through this entire exchange. Like he said, he's got the cheatsheet and he's happily lettin' Ichigo take a peak. HIchigo approves. Now Ichigo knows what that Hollow is, question is: How will he deal with it? :D

Edit: 11/12/2022 - just cleaned up the chapter to make it flow better.

Regards,
Aurora313