A/N : ***Huge spoilers for Season 19 Episode 14 "Chasing Demons"
(My Twist on the incredible scenes: Barba is still the DA and the last episode "The Undiscovered Country did not happen)
The final scenes of this episode fired my imagination in a way SVU has not, in a very long time. As Barba is no longer the DA, the only way I could write this was if I discount his departure and I found myself slipping back into the characters of "I told her that this was necessary" and "Some Memories don't dim".
It is not necessary to have ready any of my other stories.
CASSIDY
My heart is racing...
As I step up to the bar, I worry that at my age, this is the beginning of a heart attack.
I try to look calm, swallowing back the fear and shame... this is my boss, and as much as I don't want to do this, as much as want to run away and hide...I can't.
I have to do... something...
"Hey, no! I'm good, Johnny...thanks."
Fuck! I regret the words before they're even out of my mouth. How much easier a couple of drinks might make this...? But really there's nothing that has yet been invented that is really going to make this any "easier"...so it's time I just get on with it...
"What, are you here to fall on your sword?"
The lawyer barely raises his eyes to see who is sliding onto the stool. These words are delivered more to the file he is working on...
He's pissed at me...his tone and the tightened jaw leave no doubt.
I know he has every right to be...even by my standards, I have fucked up big!
I would love to turn tail and run...to not face this man, or this problem.
But for once, I want to do better...I need to stand up for this kid...
"I heard that Reggie confessed..."
"Yeah, he did!"
A man that is renowned for being straightforward is not looking me in the eye...and I know that is not a good sign. His minimal confirmation almost spat out.
"I mean, can you cut this kid a deal?"
My voice doesn't sound right...I sound out of breath...but I can't stop now...
"Don't you think he's suffered enough?"
This raises his eyes from the file...and I begin to wish he would go back to not looking at me again...I'm not sure I can do this, when he looks at me like that...
"So, you total my case, you, uh, run from a murder scene, you hole up with a fellow officer, and now you're telling me how to do my job?"
I battle to keep his eye...he needs to see me...to understand...but as he mentions Liv, his fury is all too clear.
I know that him and Liv are together...that they're happy...and the fact that she hid me, from him, has caused problems...
"Okay, so then fire me then, all right? I deserve that. I get that. But not Reggie. Come on, man..."
My default is to fire back...hot-headed Cassidy...but I try to rein in my temper, to control my mouth...
I know that what Liv has with this man is...more...than she ever had with me...and I have to trust her. I have to trust that the man she loves, can help the kid...
I know his reputation: he is tough but fair...and even though I'm definitely the wrong man to be sitting here pleading for a favor...I have to...
"After what West did to him? This kid's gonna be chasing demons away the rest of his life."
I know I'm starting to show my hand...the man in front of me seems to be surprised it's the kid I'm here to plead for not myself, and he is studying me carefully...noticing every inflection, every nuance of my speech, my behavior. Cataloguing every grimace, every expression.
"Every relationship...Every time this kid looks into a mirror...there's just -there's gonna be this looming shadow there."
I wasn't able to look him in they eye. I wanted to...to be a man as I laid myself bare...but I couldn't...and when I sneak a quick glance at him, I can see he is putting the pieces together...
Again my eyes slide down to the bar...and the silence that falls, makes me feel sick...
Finally, with a small sigh, he softly says..."Olivia didn't tell me."
His tone is questioning...he wants confirmation that he has understood...but he's also trying to tell me that she kept my secret...
"Olivia doesn't know..." I explain.
This surprises him...of course it does. He knows we were together...He knows we were together when Lewis...
I reluctantly meet his eye again...I need him to understand...
His eyes close as he sees my truth.
He sighs gently.
His head nodding slightly as the all pieces drop into place.
"That's why I left...All those years ago, I just – I couldn't handle SVU."
Fuck! But that was harder to say than I had expected...and I have to struggle to hold myself together...
All at once I'm battling to hold the words in, and let them out...they've been a lifetime in hiding...
"It was my Little League coach..."
I can't look another man in the eye as I say any of this...but I can't not glance at him every few words...looking for a reaction...both expecting, and terrified of, the disgust that is bound to show at any moment...
His face has fallen, and his hand scrubs across it as he leans further into the conversation.
"Yeah, truth is, though, it only went on for a couple of months..."
This time when my gaze nips back up to him, he shakes his head...
He looks like he's about to say something so I rush to fill the silence...
"And then, my father found out..."
He nods his head softly...allowing me to control the conversation. I'm grateful, and for the first time I begin to see what Liv does.
"...He beat the crap out of the guy."
Now it's his turn to look away with another sigh...but he quickly lifts his eyes again, meeting mine and holding the contact...there's no admonishment, only sad understanding...
"Look...How about Reggie?" I plead.
I'm not here for the sympathy I can see in his green eyes. It gives me relief and at the same time, makes me queasy...
I don't want to give him any chance to follow-up...I just want to make sure he understands...
I know he has become a champion for victims...I know he recognizes how damaging the crimes that SVU deals with can be...
I hate myself for thinking it, but he has to have seen some of the more personal consequences and aftermath with Liv...and he was always there for her during the trial...but...
I'm not sure it's different...not really...but I don't think it's the same either...not for a kid like Reggie...not for a kid like I was...
It's not...manly...
I hate myself for even thinking it...but it's not something that happens to a strong, straight, alpha-man...
I know so much better...but that's how it feels...
Like this can only happen to a guy who is...weak...
The man before me seems to understand that I can't hear any sympathy, or attempts at comfort...I, am not what this is about.
"I'll see what I can do." he assures me with a nod that is acknowledging everything...
"Fair enough. Thank you."
I know he means it and I try to smile, but it turns into more of a grimace.
"Yeah..." he mutters offhandedly...and before he can say anything else I slip off the stool.
My hand rubs my mouth as I walk away, almost as if I could rub away the words that have just escaped...
As I close the door behind me, I feel both stronger, and almost too weak to walk away, at the same time...
The very last thing I need, is to see the woman walking towards me when all of my defenses are down...and yet...
"Hey, Liv."
I think she is even more surprised to see me...
"Brian..."
"I was just inside, begging Barba not to fire me."
I'm not sure why that's what I said...I guess it was the most logical reason to have been in with the man she is here to meet...and I'm so desperate to keep the truth from her...to explain my presence...
It just feels like too little, too late, for her to find out now...like it would be somehow, manipulative, after all this time...like I'd be trying to blame all my faults, my bad decisions, my problems...on ancient history...
I should have told her so long ago...there were plenty of opportunities even before Lewis...plenty of conversations about SVU when we were both there, and my subsequent departure, although she never judged me for leaving. I told her, I couldn't handle it...and she accepted that without question.
And after Lewis...she was so raw...she needed me to be strong for her. She didn't need me adding to her pain.
And to be completely honest, I felt ridiculous to be comparing such a small thing, to the horrors she went through at that monster's hands...
And all the things I imagined, they changed things...I found it hard...
I couldn't be responsible for hurting her...we changed...
But the strongest reason...I don't want her to know...I don't want anyone to know...
"How'd that go?" she asks, peering through the window for any signs of trouble...
I guess I can't blame her.
Not after my carry on in the bar a few days ago...
"I don't know. We'll see."
I'm only partly answering her question...I've just looked in, to see the DA hunched over his file, and it occurs to me that despite everything, I am no longer wholly in control of my secret...
By confessing to Barba, in a plea for Reggie, she may find out...
Somehow, this knowledge gives me the freedom to say anything...
"Hey Liv, I'm real sorry about what happened, really."
"You would've done the same thing for me." she shoots back immediately.
I can only agree with a mumbled "yeah".
She tries to end the conversation with a gentle "Take care" but this is important, and I need to say more...
"Hey, about Noah..."
She turns, and I can see she is about to shut me down...
"Just hear me out, please."
For a second she looks like she is going to walk away but she seems to rethink as she sees me rubbing my mouth...she knows all of my tells...and she seems to recognize this...so gives me a chance...
"Look...I - -I, uh - -I wasn't airing your dirty laundry to the DA. I was actually - - I was airing mine."
"What does that mean?"
"Uh, I- -"
Yep, great job there Brian...making absolutely no sense...
"I just- -I- -I was- - I was trying to explain to Morrison what had happened between you and I."
Fuck but this is not coming out the way I meant...
"I- -I had no idea that you were under investigation. I would never, ever, ever do anything to intentionally hurt Noah or you..."
She is listening, and I'm not sure if she doesn't believe me, or she can't believe how stupid I was... I can live with her being amazed at how stupid I was, I can't believe I was that dumb myself...but I can't walk away with her thinking I would hurt her...
"...I mean, come on now. You're the love of my life."
I didn't mean the words to escape...but they're true and I can only hope she can see that...
As her head shoots up in surprise, I feel relief that they too, are out there...
"Sorry, Brian, I don't - - I don't know where that's coming from. We broke up a- - a long time ago."
She seems a bit confused and a little uncomfortable, but she doesn't seem to think I'm lying... and in that moment I realize that I'm getting a chance to say a real goodbye. Our break up was calm and adult, I was very proud of how 'well' we handled it...but I need something else...
I know she is happy now. I want her to be happy...and I know that it really wasn't working between us...
"I know that. You and I, we had a lot of good times together, a lot of mutual love and respect for one another but please, you got to ad- -admit to me that...you were never gonna bare your soul to me...eh...eh...Am I right?"
She takes a moment to consider my request.
She seems to understand it for what it is...an honest question...something I need to know to get some sort of closure...
She smiles sadly at me, letting me see her regret, and her love..."Yes, you are."
"Okay" is all I can find to answer with. It's a bittersweet confirmation but it's also freeing...
I'm not sure which of us reaches out first but we fall into a warm, comfortable hug, both of us squeezing tight.
As we break apart, it finally feels like all the unfinished business between us is resolved...
But I'm close to breaking...it's all too much...it has been a night of truths, some so deeply buried that the holes they've left behind are too fragile, and liable to complete collapse...
"Go inside. It's cold."
She doesn't move for a second but because she knows me too well, she understands I need her to walk away.
She walks into the bar I have just left and I disappear back into the night. Incredibly grateful for the closure she has given me, and terrified that she will soon know my shameful secret.