A small snippet that I wrote while listening to Rascal Flatts- What hurts the most.
The Autumn rain is cold on her skin, it doesn't feel real. It can't be real because if it was real it would mean everything she held dear had been taken from her.
The news has to be a mistake…they had been mistaken about Robert Grant?
He couldn't have been taken from this world already, not when he had only been there for a year. How long ago was it they had walked home together, how she prayed for him when he was sick with typhus? How long ago did he kiss her goodbye in front of everyone? Tears and rain mix on her face and doesn't allow anyone to know what is what now.
"Una darling?" Rosemary calls out from the door. "Come inside you will catch your death."
Death
But death already has become her, tearing through her heart like a bullet or a knife.
Why hadn't she spoken up?
Why hadn't she told him the truth when she could?
He was always spouting off a line or two, he was always with his sisters. Di and Rilla fought for his attention. Why would he see her, notice her when others were around? She had no good ideas or thoughts. She just sat and watched and listened like a good girl did. She couldn't flirt with him, she wasn't Faith who didn't care if she and Jem were seen out in the orchard running amok and kissing. She couldn't even dance with him. So why would he ever notice her? The love she had for him? It would never be then, and it would never be now.
It doesn't make it easier, no one understands, no one knows so how can they understand her grief. They can barely understand Rilla's refusal to wear mourning beyond an armband on her white dresses. Why would they understand hers?
Because what hurts the most, is watching him walk away.
Walk away from her…the island, the world?
Not knowing how much she wanted him, loved him, or maybe he did know and did not return any affection towards her? Something she does not like to think about, to feel because if it were true it would kill her in return. So instead she dreams of a chance, the ability to tell him, show him how much he meant to her. Because had it been a dream, him showing up in Rainbow Valley, watching her with those stormy grey eyes.
War
He was going to war. He was going to break his mother's and sisters' hearts….and hers if he knew anything at all. She would take him into her arms, her body if he had asked it of her, and risk everything to show him her heart and soul. She imagines their wedding night if that ever could be real. That hazy knowledge of knowing and not knowing at the same time. What it would be like with gentle brushes, tender kisses, slight discomfort that is whispered about, but love would ebb that away. It couldn't be anything other than loving.
"Una, please?" Rosemary calls out once more and Una turns to her sighing. The rain soaking through her coat and hair at this point.
"He didn't even know," she whispers crying.
"He did in his way Una," Rosemary says gently, tugging her into the house and blotting off her long dark hair with a tool. She doesn't want to give false hope, but Walter had to have known in his feyish way that Una had been in love with him.
"What if it's a mistake, mistakes happen all the time?"
"I don't think it is this time Una," Rosemary shakes her head sadly.
Flashes of what might have been, she doesn't know if it had been real or a dream now. His hand over her heart, beating rapidly being so close to her bosom, the ridge of her corset poking his hand. The smell of his cologne lingered like a sea breeze. She sees it all from the wind and skies point of view. Falling to her knees, his body against hers on the grassy knoll of the valley. Her skirts and stockings are in disarray, she doesn't care. He doesn't even say her name. They didn't do anything wrong…Walter Blythe would never dishonour her in that way.
"You're a brick Una, don't ever change even when I am gone," those are the final words that day.
Because those words are the ones that hurt the most.
Hope you enjoyed this one, please note that all comments and follows and favs are greatly appreciated!
Happy New Year!
Tina.