This fic is dedicated to Sai Kunai Blade.
The story you are about to be told has been told before. A lot. And now we are going to tell it again, but different.
Right now, we open up to a girl's bedroom. Specifically the bedroom of one Juliet Starling. Don't get any funny ideas, you buncha creeps. Oh, she's gonna take over right now. You go, girl!
"Welcome to my bedroom. Me letting you in here ain't an invitation for any funny stuff. I mean, not that I...have a problem with funny stuff. Especially not if you really, REALLY like that person. But that's not what I wanted to talk about. Today is, as they say in Spain: "¡Mi cumpleaños!" That's right, my birthday. I'm 18 years old today."
The girl then gets out of bed and looks at several pictures she's taken of her time in school, looking especially fond at a group of her with a group of cheerleaders.
"These are my girls on the San Romero cheer squad. We've gone to the nationals three years in a row...but we haven't won yet. Ugh!"
Ah, we've all been there, girlfriend. Still, I've never been into sports myself...unless you count bowling.
"To keep my energy up, I eat lollipops. I know what you're thinking... I'm getting SO FAT! But they're so YUM!"
Now don't go saying that about yourself. Besides, who says you can't still look gorgeous even when you're all big and plump? Then again, that's the chubby chaser in me talking.
The girl then looks at a picture of her with two girls, obviously her sisters, and a man and woman who are clearly her parents. The man looks like the manly badass lovechild of Elvis Presley and Sylvester Stallone, BTW.
This is my family. My older sister, Cordelia, won a gold medal in riflery last year and she has a lot of meetings with guys I THINK are college scouts. My little sister Rosalind just got her license, which makes me think the people at the DMV are IDIOTS. My girlfriends say my Dad is a total DILF but try as they might, they can never come between him and my Mom. She's so cool! It's because of her my sisters and I all wear our vaginas proudly. God, she and my Dad love each other so much."
Whoa, too much info! But it's really sweet to see them being so happily married. Can't say the same for my parents...
We now look at a picture of a boy dressed in a varsity sports jacket with slicked-up brown hair. Unlike most Jocks, he looks like a pretty nice and cool guy.
"Speaking of true love, this is my boyfriend, Nick. It effs me up how much I really like him."
However, unlike most other iterations of this story, we're actually gonna go into a little extra here, something never before seen...a picture of Juliet when she was a little girl with three boys all beside her, all of them with big happy smiles.
"And these are my three bestest friends in the whole world! What? Who said a girl can't have guy friends? Their names are Ed, Edd, and Eddy!"
First, we look at the big strong oafish-looking boy with a rather distinguished-looking unibrow. He had feathery auburn hair and emerald green eyes that were wide with innocence and more than a little dim-wittedness.
"First off is Ed, he's such a lovable sweetheart but he's kind of a dum-dum most of the time. He knows just about everything when it comes to movies and comics, he's a total nerd...if nerds could lift houses without breaking a sweat, that is."
Next, a rather intellectual boy with pale skin and golden blonde hair wearing a black sock-like hat. He had baby blue eyes and a nervous-looking smile, showing a gap in the middle of his teeth.
"Next is Edd, or Double-D, since he has two 'D's in his name. Yeah, don't ask, his parents must be perverts or something, but that's never bothered me. He's the smartest guy around and he always comes up with such crazy inventions that he builds out of crap he finds in the town junkyard. Seriously, he's like the second coming of Albert Einstein!"
Finally, we come to a boy who's slightly shorter than most with dark blue hair that's done up in three mantis-like stalks that have a jagged edge to them. His chocolate brown eyes are full of mischievousness and his smirk just emphasises that.
"Last but not least is Eddy, he's the sorta leader of our little gang. Most people who meet him say he's a total asshole and for the most part, they aren't exactly wrong, but when you look deeper inside, you can see a nice guy who truly cares about his friends. He's always dragged us along on crazy adventures to get money for candy. Those boys love their jawbreakers, but I'll stick to lollipops, thanks."
One girl with three boys who are all her childhood friends? That's not a Reverse Harem Rom-Com waiting to happen or anything. Then again, she already has a boyfriend.
"My family and friends are throwing a birthday party after school. Nick is totally freaked out having to meet my family for the first time. But I'm even more freaked out for him to find out about MY family! Because even though they're the most amazing ever, some of our traditions are a little...unusual. Ed, Double-D, and Eddy are cool, since their families have been friends with my family for years already."
Define unusual, sweetheart. After all, I can see one of the pictures is you fighting against a bunch of spinning kung-fu training dummies like in that scene of Kung Fu Panda.
"Nick's already so sweet to never complain about my ginormous fat butt. If he finds out I'm the #1 World's Biggest Weirdo...he might not stick around. I'd be so sad, I think I might seriously cry forever."
Uh, girlfriend, your clock is showing 9:26 or something, shouldn't you be in school by now?
"Oh no! I'm totally late! I was supposed to meet him before school! I'm so lame, ugh! I hope Nick isn't mad, that's about the worst thing that could ever happen!"
I don't think you have anything to worry about, Juliet...anyway, why don't we take a look at those three friends of yours...
"So, Sockhead, what scam do you think we should come up with after school?" Eddy asked as he and his two bros, Ed and Double-D, walked to San Romero High together.
"Eddy, it's Juliet's birthday today. We should be more worried about what we're going to give her!" Double-D chided.
"I already have my present all packed up and snug as a rug in a bug!" Ed said in his usual silly voice.
"Wait, that's today?! Shit! I hope she doesn't get pissed at me that I TOTALLY forgot!"
"Eddy, just as long as you remember, it doesn't matter. You shouldn't have to worry yourself over the small things."
The Eds had been Juliet's friends since they were little. They lived nearby in a nice little cul-de-sac on Peach Creek Street. Every day was an adventure for this trio of rambunctious boys and they never hesitated to drag Juliet along into the fun.
Now, another reason why the boys were such close friends with Juliet was that their families were close friends, so, you know, next-generation friendship and all that. However, there was another thing that bonded them together...and unfortunately, that thing was about to make itself known.
"Eddy, do you smell something funny?"
"Kinda. I just thought Ed farted or something." Eddy suddenly sniffed the air again. "Oh god, it's getting worse! And I don't think it's Ed!"
"Not I, Eddy!" Ed said, shaking his head.
Suddenly, Double-D screamed like a little girl as he saw a man shambling toward them...except he was a ZOMBIE! Yeah, a real-life zombie! Crazy, right?!
"ZOMBIES?! TODAY?!" Eddy cried as he saw it too.
"THEY HAVE COME TO FEAST ON OUR BRAINS AND THEN TEAR OUT OUR EYEBALLS TO BE USED FOR CUPCAKE TOPPINGS!" Ed screamed.
"Fellows, you know what this means, yes?" Double-D asked grimly as Ed and Eddy nodded, serious expressions on their faces.
Suddenly, Double-D reached into his hat and pulled out a weird device, then clicked the button on it and...HOLY FUCKING SHIT, IS THAT A REAL-LIFE LIGHTSABER?!
Eddy smirked as he dropped the guitar case that he had been carrying on his back and then kicked it open to reveal a pair of sleek-looking giant revolvers and a single-edge sword with a motorcycle engine handle, kinda like Nero's Red Queen from Devil May Cry. He then flipped the three weapons into the air and caught them all effortlessly.
Finally, Ed pointed to the sky dramatically and nothing seemed to happen...until he just got fucking hit by lightning and when the smoke cleared, he was decked out in the Praetor Suit from Doom 2016...How the fuck did that even work?
"Well, boys...at least today isn't gonna be boring!" Eddy grinned as he spun his revolvers and holstered them before grabbing the handle of his sword, a wild gleam in his eyes.
"Honestly, I'd love for just ONE normal day..." Double-D sighed as he got into a Luke Skywalker-esque battle pose.
"CRUSH THE ZOMBIES!" Ed said, taking out the UAC Combat Shotgun and cocking it.
Let's see how Juliet is doing while our three lovable goofballs are slaughtering these poor helpless zombies...
The girl was on her bicycle making her way to school...Only to start driving into zombies, knocking them around.
"Oh my god! What the heck happened?!" She kept running into them, splattering blood and body parts everywhere. "Oh, god! Gross! Yuck! Back off! It smells!"
She was about to then crash into a bus but quickly flipped off her bike like an expert acrobat, twirled elegantly in the air like an Olympic Vault Jumper, and landed perfectly on her feet as more zombies approached her.
"Seriously?! Dude, what the hell?!" She said, reaching in her duffel bag, pulling out a chainsaw, revving it up, and rushing in at the zombies, viciously slicing them up as their remains left rainbow sparkles on top of the usual blood and guts for some reason.
"And on my birthday, too?! Like I'm not already late enough!"
With skill and grace, she cut through all the zombies before finishing the last poor bastard off by doing a split and cutting it in half from the crotch to the head.
"Stupid, undead DOUCHEBAGS." She cussed as the zombie split apart, causing a rainbow to appear in the process.
Some zombies tried to pile up on her, but her chainsaw glowed brightly as she spun around with it outstretched, knocking them back and chopping them up before decapitating one zombie and kicking it, causing it to bounce off three trash cans lined up in a row and landing in a baby carriage...Oh god, I hope that baby is gonna be okay.
"O-M-F-G!"
With all the zombies taken care of for right now, Juliet took out a lollipop and popped it into her mouth, giving a wink to the camera as her bio came up.
Juliet Starling
Age: 18
Totally in love with: Nick Carlyle
Favorite Weapon: Bedazzled Chainsaw
Favorite Food: Strawberry Lollipops
GPA: 3.4
Hobbies: Cheerleading, Karaoke, Bisecting the undead
Secret Kink: Likes to be told she's not fat
Alright, looks like she's got things handled. Kick those zombies' asses, girlfriend!
Back to The Eds, Eddy cackled as he fired several shots from his revolvers, which were apparently made with some hammerspace technology because he never seemed to be reloading them, despite the fact they had barrels.
Pocketing his guns, Eddy took out his sword and squeezed on the engine handle, causing the blade to buzz to life with a fiery glow on the edge as he flipped and then spun several times before swinging downward, slicing a zombie in half down the middle.
Eddy McGee
Age: 18
Middle Name: Skipper
Favorite Candy: Japanese-flavored Jawbreakers (Taste like Sushi!)
Fetish: Money
Double-D was much more graceful, moving with the focus and discipline of a samurai warrior. His lightsaber easily carved through the zombies as he flipped over one and then delivered a backhand stab, the plasma blade bursting out of the undead creep's chest as it struggled before going limp.
"Well, this isn't a good way to start the day. I knew I should have paid more attention to my Horoscope this morning."
Eddward Skyrise
Age: 18
Middle Name: Marion
Favorite Movie: Star Wars (even the Prequel and Sequel Trilogies!)
IQ: 300
Diagnosed With: Lackadaisycathro Disease
As for Ed, he was blowing zombies apart with his shotgun before just going with his bare hands, beating a zombie in the face while laughing that sweet, innocent laugh of his all the while. After the zombie's face was reduced to mush, Ed picked it up and slammed its back over his knee, splitting it in half before throwing the two halves at some more approaching zombies with enough force to make them explode for no good reason.
"They can take our lands, but they shall not take our gravy!
Edwin Alba
Age: 18
Middle Name: Horace
Likes: His friends, Buttered Toast, and Gravy
Dad: The Doom Slayer (apparently!)
"Come on, we gotta see if Juliet made it to school!" Eddy said before taking out one of his revolvers and blowing an approaching zombie's head off without even looking.
"Indeed, and we should make sure our peers have survived as well!" Double-D said.
"Onward, to victory!" Ed cheered as he took out a gas-powered chainsaw and rushed into the fray, his two best buddies quickly following after him.
Back with Juliet, she had cut down the front gate leading to the school, dealt with an exploding bus, and quickly cut through a small way leading into a parking lot and saw some zombies devouring one of her classmates.
"Be safe or be sorry!" One of the zombies said, noticing Juliet. Holy fuck, these things are sentient?!
"Hold it! Hold it right there! You zombie jerks!" Juliet angrily said, slicing the zombies, somehow not hitting the guy. "I'll help you!"
After killing the rest of the zombies, the student managed to get back up and handed Juliet some gold coins before getting into a recovery bed lowered by a rescue chopper.
"Awesome, I'm still alive!"
Juliet smiled as she accepted the coins. "Pretty! Zombie medals!"
"Thanks, kid! Really great work! See if you can get anyone else out." The pilot said, reeling the boy in and taking off.
"Be careful!" Juliet said, waving the chopper off.
"Look out! Incoming!" The pilot suddenly warned, alerting Juliet to an oncoming bus, which she backflipped out of the way of.
"Whoa! Zombies suck DICK at driving!"
She used the bus to cut through the parking lot, picking up a floating lollipop that magically restored her health before using her chainsaw to cut down the back door and kick it open. She continued until she came to an alley and a bus crashed into one of the buildings making the alley, blocking off Juliet's path.
"Your license should be revoked, bro!" She said, before seeing legless zombies crawl out of a garage door open enough for someone laying down to get underneath.
"I'll rip out your taint!" One of the legless zombies snarled.
"Oh, great, this is gonna be harder than I thought." Juliet groaned as she got to work in taking care of the stumpies. "Hey, perv! Don't be looking up my skirt!"
With the zombies taken care of, Juliet jumped on the hood of the bus and onto the other side. There, she saw a girl on top of a van away from the zombies but scared half to death.
"No! Get away!"
"Just don't move. I'll take care of 'em, no big whoop." Juliet said, killing them all stylishly.
The rescue chopper soon came down and the girl got on, giggling nervously to herself while questioning who she was as Juliet waved her off. Yeah, trauma will do that to you, girl.
"Great! I see one more, I got him!" The pilot said, using the blades of the chopper to kill a few zombies on the rooftops. "All right!"
She jumped onto a bus, but the driver was a zombie, who drove right into the path of another bus.
"We gotta deliver them eggs."
"Ah, watch out!" Juliet screamed as the two buses collided, having to do a bunch of dodge maneuvers to avoid getting hurt. She jumped out to see a student holding onto a flagpole for dear life as a swarm of zombies was below him.
"Ack, come on get away from me!"
"Hold on, I'm coming!" Juliet called out as she made her way over and cut up the zombies with style, beauty, and grace. And just in time, as the boy lost his grip and fell, luckily on a patch of grass.
"My favorite President is Warren G. Harding." He said randomly as if that information is gonna help us kill zombie bitches.
More zombies began crawling out of the ground but Juliet easily dispatched them as the boy limped his way to where the rescue chopper was waiting, lowering the recovery bed down for him.
"It's so rad to save someone's life!"
"Well, we got these ones, but I see a whole group of those undead bastards. Meet me up ahead!" The pilot said, flying over the large group of zombies he was referring to.
Juliet cut open the gate and all the zombies charged at them since all the students available just rushed into a building. Juliet activated Sparkle Hunter Mode, becoming something like a Super Saiyan, except sparkly and all different colors. She then easily mowed through the zombies.
With all the undead freaks dead, she made it with the boy to another bus, but then dozens more zombies came and attacked. To make matters worse, a student in a van was driving out of control, due to a zombie on the windshield.
"Feet is for suckers!"
This, however, worked to Juliet's advantage, because after she dodged, the van missed the student and crashed into the zombies, dazing them all. This allowed Juliet to easily decapitate them in their groggy state. The pilot then collected the student and slowly reeled him in.
"Fantastic job, kid!"
"Glad you made it, pilot dude!" Juliet said, waving.
Unfortunately, at that moment, two zombies screaming "Where's the beef" jumped onto the bed along with the student.
"Hold on, this is too dangerous! I'll meet you in the square." The pilot said, flying off, trying to get the zombies off the bed. One fell off, but the other climbed in with him.
"Nummy nummy nummy flesh!" He said, attacking the pilot, causing him to collide with something and spiral out of control.
"Jesus Christ! Get off me you bastard! No! Oh, shit! Tell me why I love-!" The pilot said, but then there was silence and the chopper crashed close to the school.
"Oh no! He crashed over by the school and is probably dead!" Juliet cried.
However, Juliet couldn't ponder on that right now, as she suddenly got a phone call, which she answered by pulling the phone out of the handle of her chainsaw. Geez, where can I get one of those?!
"Hey. It's Mom, Juliet." Came the voice of Mrs. Starling. "Hope you're taking care of yourself. Don't do anything stupid, okay?"
"Awwww, what a nice Mom. Anyway, while that's going on, let's get back to the Terrible Trio, shall we?
"EAT IT, SUCKERS!" Eddy crowed as he sliced off a zombie's legs with his sword, which he called Rich Bitch, and then plunged the blade into its head.
"Mwahahahahaha! Zappity-Zap-Zap!" Ed chortled as he opened fire with a Plasma Rifle, firing rapid-fire bolts of plasma energy at the zombies.
"Honestly, I wish you wouldn't make such inane jokes when we're dealing with such crises." Double-D sighed as he skillfully sliced a zombie into three segments with his lightsaber.
The three friends quickly made their way to a big part of town and were greeted by at least 40 zombies.
"Sweet! Double-D, you and Ed take the 20 on the left, and I'll take the 20 on the right!"
"If you say so, Eddy."
Eddy switched to his revolvers, dubbed Fat Daddy and Big Mama, and opened fire on the zombies while Double-D sliced through the horde, Ed joining in by mowing them down with a fucking Chaingun.
Suddenly, the trio noticed a chopper spinning out of control. Yes, it was the same chopper that Juliet was helping put the people she rescued on. Ed saw the chopper was going to crash and quickly climbed on top of a nearby car and used it as a launch pad to leap into the air and catch the chopper, bringing it down safely as Double-D jumped inside and chopped up the zombie attacking the pilot.
"Are you alright, sir?!"
"Y-Yeah, thanks, kid!"
"Clear a path for 'em, Double-D!" Eddy ordered as he spun around, rapidly firing his revolvers and blasting away all the zombies surrounding him. He then greedily picked up all the gold coins spilled by the remains.
After Ed and Double-D got the survivors to safety, they regrouped with Eddy and continued onward, eventually stopping at a barricade.
"Ugh! A roadblock, seriously?!" Eddy groaned. "Ed, you know what to do!"
Ed saluted and walked up to the barricade before giving it a light punch...which knocked the whole thing off its hinges and fell on the floor, allowing the trio access to go through. Unfortunately, zombies got in their way soon afterward.
"Let me fuck your father!"
"Good lord!" Double-D said in disgust. "I'll have you know my father and mother have been happily married for 30 years now!"
As The Eds got to work tearing the zombies apart, they were soon joined by the fourth and sole female member of their little gang. Ed beamed behind his helmet visor when he recognized who it was.
"JULIET! IT IS YOU!"
"Hey guys! Hope you saved some for me!"
"Of course!"
With the squad together, they easily eradicated all the zombies in the area before moving forward, finding some more about to break down the gate leading to the school campus.
"Please move, I'm in a hurry!" Juliet cried as she rushed in and decapitated all the zombies with one swing of her chainsaw.
After they were done, giant containers fell and hazmat zombies jumped down. Hey, this ain't Left 4 Dead, people!
"Decontaminate! Decontaminate!"
"Sir, you need to learn to respect people's property!" Double-D scolded as he easily sliced the hazmat zombies apart with his lightsaber. Yeah, hazmat suits can stand against lightsabers, who knew?
"You tell him, Double-D!" Juliet cheered before kicking open the gate. "Oh, Nick, PLEASE be okay!"
"Awww man, I hope Nick's okay...that guy still owes me $5!" Eddy said.
"Eddy, he's our FRIEND! I think we should be more worried about him still being alive in this mess!" Double-D said.
"Bad Eddy!" Ed scolded.
The four ran up to the fountain in the center, but nobody seemed to be there, save for some dead zombie bodies lying around.
"Sheesh, who knew he had it in him!" Eddy noted as he looked at the dead bodies, kicking them to make sure they were actually truly dead.
"Nick, are you there?! It's okay to come out!" Juliet pleaded, fearing the worst. "Nick?! Oh, please!"
"Heads up!" Eddy called out as a zombie came at Juliet from behind, only for its head to explode thanks to Ed blasting it with his Shotgun.
"Good job, Ed." Double-D said as the lovable oaf happily nodded his head.
"Juliet?! Are you okay?"
The four turned to see Nick running over. Juliet was relieved to see her boyfriend alive and in one piece, running over to embrace him.
"Hey, you're alive!" Eddy chuckled. "Who knew you had the knack for zombie killing!"
"Oh, hey guys!" Nick said, recognizing The Eds. "Uh...what is Ed even wearing? And is Double-D, are you carrying a freaking lightsaber?"
Nick Carlyle
Age: 18
Favorite Food: California Sushi Rolls
GPA: 2.7
Hobbies: Badminton, Bass Guitar, Masturbation
"It's a very long and complicated story, Nick." Double-D sighed. "We're so sorry we couldn't tell you sooner."
"You must learn to defend yourself, Nick!" Ed said. "Your body is squishy and meaty, the zombies will gobble you up!"
"Hey, I handled them pretty well so far." Nick shrugged. "Besides, I'm used to running and tackling people out of the way."
"Yeah, yeah, you're a major football whiz, big whoop..." Eddy grumbled. "But fists alone aren't gonna cut it. We gotta get you some major cash money gear, pal."
"Well, if you know where you can find a gun or something, I'm all ears." Nick argued.
"Boys, come on, don't fight!" Juliet chided. "Let's get into the school and kick some zombie ass!"
"After you, Juliet." Double-D said as the group of five made their way inside the school grounds...
I hope you like this, Sai! I'm just gonna go completely buttfuck insane with this shit. There will be no major plot, this is pure 100% crack I'm snorting right now.
AND I'M NOW STARTING TO FEEL THE EFFECTS!
(Also, quick note, Lollipop Chainsaw is getting a Remake next year. Holy fucking shit, finally!)