Disclaimer: I don't own Castle.
Hello, and happy New Year! Welcome back to those of you who have already read When Lightning Strikes and a new hello to everyone who didn't. I appreciate all of you being here.
So, this was supposed to be a little oneshot with about 5k words. But I got carried away, and somehow, it turned into this 13k-word story. Because it turned out that much longer, I decided to split it into three parts. Still, I will upload all of them simultaneously, knowing that will draw less attention to the story and probably get me fewer reviews. You might keep that in mind while reading and find time to give me a little feedback. I would be thrilled!
A little background to this story: It is set in s5e6, "The Last Frontier." I even borrowed the dialogue that inspired this story (you can watch the scene on YouTube. I did, too, about 20 times to get it right). But apart from that, it doesn't follow the episode's plot, and the scene I describe is interpreted differently, too.
And a little personal note, too: I chose to write this story because I just love this part in almost every Caskett fic I read or write. But I didn't want to start a huge story around it again (no time, you know). So, I decided to try it as a short standalone story (though there is a slight chance I might do a follow-up at some point). I'm curious to see what you think of it, and I hope you enjoy it!
x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.
Lost in the deep twirl of her worried thoughts, Kate stared at the screen of her phone without seeing what was on it. For the thousandth time in the last two days, her mind spun in circles around this one paralyzing thought. God, how she wished she could just push it from her mind, if only for a couple of minutes, to find a brief relief from the crippling fear that had been building up in her for two days now.
But it was impossible. For two days, she had barely slept or eaten anything. Not even this strange case was enough of a distraction to keep her mind from wandering back to counting days and trying to find explanations for things she knew there was just one logical explanation for.
At any other time, a case at a science fiction convention involving one of her old favorite shows would have been something she would have dived entirely into. But right now, it felt more like a punishment, forcing her to put on a façade while trying to pretend her mind wasn't constantly busy with something else. She really tried to pretend, but she knew this façade slowly started crumbling. And she also knew Castle was noticing it, too.
She could tell by his jokes that he was trying to distract her from whatever he sensed was troubling her. It didn't matter how much she wanted to cover it with a fake smile or come up with her own jokes or mimic interest in this case. She knew he could tell something was wrong.
She lifted her eyes from her phone and closed the calendar app like she had done countless times in the past few days, again and again counting back the days since their trip to the Hamptons three and a half weeks ago.
Looking at him, she saw him eyeing his fingers as he placed his fingertips together, frowning at them. She copied the expression on his face, and he looked back at her.
"Do I look different to you?" He asked, and within a heartbeat, she could tell she was in for another attempt to make her forget what was on her mind, even though he was clueless about what it was. Kate sighed internally. She was glad he didn't ask but instead opted for his usual method of trying to make her laugh it off. Only this time, that wouldn't work.
But for now, it was easier to play along. At least until she had proof that this terrifying realization she had had two days ago was actually true and not a trick of her overworked mind.
"No." She replied. "Why?"
"Just I feel so tingly." He looked down at his fingertips again, putting on his best acting face, complete with the worried crease on his forehead and the furrowed brows. "Something's wrong."
Kate unlocked her phone again, opening the calendar app once more but instantly closing it again, knowing it was useless.
Yes, something is wrong/span/emspan data-preserver-spaces="true". She kept staring at her phone, feeling like keeping her eyes and hands busy would make it easier to hide that her attention wasn't with him.
"I'm beginning to mutate like the Hulk or the Thing. Or worse, the leader. What would happen to my hair?" Oh, he did try his best. She appreciated it, but it still didn't help. Her thumb met the symbol for the internet browser.
"I'd prefer Doctor Manhatten." She briefly looked up at him, trying to wind up a smile. "Blue skin, brings out your blue eyes." She could hear herself that her voice sounded absentminded and the laugh in it fake. Weak try, Kate.
She could see he heard it, too. It was just the slightest shift in his features, but it made her want to escape this situation. She wasn't ready for him to ask, wasn't ready to lie to his face. She put the bag strap over her shoulder and turned around, walking towards the elevator, her phone still in her hand.
Without batting an eye, he got up and followed her, effortlessly falling back into his role of worry. Kate's fingers started typing while she only listened to him halfheartedly, her focus more on her phone than him.
"This isn't funny!" He exclaimed, hurrying to keep up with her. "What if firing that blaster made me infertile?" With that last word, he forcefully drew her attention to him, almost making her trip. Refusing to give in to her legs wanting to stop in their track, she frantically pulled together all composure to cover up the turmoil these words caused in her mind and stomach.
"You want more kids?" She asked after a brief pause, desperately trying to make it sound lightheartedly and nonchalantly. She felt like she failed terribly, but if he noticed, he didn't let her know.
"Well, I'd like the option!" He mumbled, and Kate felt her heart racing in her chest as she got into the elevator beside him. She swallowed hard, glad he was not looking over at her.
"Yeah, I think you're gonna be fine, Castle." She said, her voice sounding a little choked while she felt the queasy feeling she had started feeling a couple of days ago rumbling in her stomach again, reminding her once more that nothing was fine.
The elevator doors closed, and Castle mumbled something about decontamination, but his words didn't reach her mind. She let her hand with her phone sink to her side, locking it but not closing the page of drug stores with twenty-four-hour opening times on the way from the precinct to her apartment.
Kate anxiously dug her nails into the palms of her hand, staring at the little cardboard boxes on the shelf before her. Some happy tune was playing from the speakers in the drug store, a mocking contrast to the chaos and fear she was feeling.
She had done this before only once. It had been her freshman year in college. She had fallen head over heels for this handsome, young assistant professor who, for some reason, had decided to choose her from all the girls who threw him longing glances throughout his lessons. Intrigued that she had been his choice and naïve enough to do anything he would ask her for, she had let him talk her into not using a condom.
Unlike right now, she had been on the pill back then, so it hadn't actually been a big deal. But then, when her period was late, and he had dropped her the exact moment she had told him she needed to take a pregnancy test, she paid the price for her naivete. It had been a sleepless night so full of fear of what her life could possibly look like in the morning that the feeling had burned into her memory, causing her to become the overcautious self she was today.
Back then, she had stood in front of a shelf just like this, and even though the situation now was completely different, she couldn't fight the cold fear creeping up her neck. Of course, the test turned out negative all those years ago. She forgot about the guy pretty fast, but the memory of how scared she felt was still present in her mind and now fought its way back to the surface.
Of course, she was grown up now, and Castle wasn't some idiot who liked to take advantage of naïve young girls, but still, this wasn't what she wanted. Not like this, and definitely not now. But the feeling that this time she wouldn't get away with a scare and some sleepless nights wouldn't let go of her. Something was going on, something was different, she felt it deep in her bones.
It had started with nothing more than a feeling of tiredness she just couldn't shake off about a week ago. She didn't think any of it. The last couple of weeks had been emotionally and physically exhausting. They had to face Jerry Tyson again, and the days she had to spend questioning everything she had thought to know about the man that she loved and then having to fear for his life had drained all energy from her mind and body. She had simply accepted it and had decided to take a couple of days off to get some proper sleep as soon as the caseload would allow it.
Even when the dizziness had started to mix into the exhaustion, she had just added it to the list of things the recent stress was doing to her body. She had even told Castle about it and said she would love to get away for a few days to finally get some rest and a chance to recover from all the recent events. He had been thrilled about the idea after their trip to the Hamptons had turned out not at all like they had planned and immediately started looking for hotels on the West Coast, saying some sun would do her good.
She swallowed hard at the memory of their trip to the Hamptons, and her nails were now leaving red strains on her palms. She didn't care; the pain helped her to focus on not letting herself slip into a panic attack. That damn trip. This damn chaotic and disastrous trip.
She was sure that if they had just stayed in New York, all this mess wouldn't have happened. She would be going on about her everyday life, enjoying her relationship with Castle, and probably even having fun investigating their current case. But no, instead of that, it had led her to this point.
Standing in front of a shelf with pregnancy tests, feeling tired, and dizzy, and nauseous. It had been this strange queasy feeling that had settled in her stomach two days ago that had made her mind click. She had been sitting at her desk, and Castle had placed her morning coffee in front of her, like usual. She had been grateful for it, thinking it could help with the tiredness.
But then she had taken the first sip, and it tasted odd. She vividly remembered how she gave Castle a confused look, asking him if he had gotten her a different coffee than usual. When he shook his head, she had taken another sip, and that one didn't just taste odd, no, it had been downright disgusting.
The connection between the feeling that something strange was going on and the realization of what it could possibly be had only taken her a few more seconds then. Her heart had missed out on a couple of beats in that moment, but she had somehow managed to hide it from Castle.
And she had kept on doing that for the last two days now. Putting a mask on her face, hiding the chaos roaring through her mind while she denied to herself what she already knew somewhere in her subconsciousness. But, in the last two days, her body had proven that this wasn't something she could brush off with all the excuses she had tried to find for how she was feeling.
No, she had reached the point where denial was useless. So she needed something else instead, she needed certainty.
Kate exhaled a sharp breath when she finally forced herself to grab one of the tests from the shelf and walk over to the checkout with stiff steps. It was almost 10 pm, and she was the only customer. She knew the young woman behind the counter had probably noticed her standing in front of the pregnancy tests for what must have been nearly ten minutes, but Kate didn't care.
She was too anxious to waste a thought on what some stranger might think of her. And when she placed the ten dollars on the counter and turned on her heels, shoving the little box into her bag, she didn't pay any attention to the curious stare she felt on her back.
The walk back home felt like torture. She had to stop her feet from running, and when she finally reached her building, she practically ran up the stairs. Her fingers trembled when she tried to get the key into the lock, and she swore under her breath when the keychain fell from her sweaty hands and hit the ground with a rattling sound.
Picking them up and finally getting her door open, she walked inside and slammed the door shut behind herself. She sighed when she shrugged off her coat and dropped her bag on the little table at the side of her hallway. Allowing herself to take a deep breath, she pulled out the box and walked straight into the bathroom.
She didn't care to close the door behind her. She was alone, and all she wanted was to get this done. Maybe, maybe, there was still a chance she was just being paranoid, and all of this was just her mind tricking her body and the other way around.
She tried to cling to that thought as she tried to open the package with her sweaty and shaking fingers. It was sealed with a little piece of tape she couldn't grasp, so she just tore it open. The little plastic stick fell to the sink and caused a clinking sound. She didn't waste time pulling the little sheet with instructions out of the box and just tossed it into the trashcan by the sink.
She knew she was supposed to take this test in the morning. But there was no way in hell she could wait another night to do this. She was glad Castle had decided he wanted to spend the evening writing so she wouldn't have to find an excuse why she couldn't meet him tonight. Because if this test showed what she feared it would, the last thing she needed was company. Not even Castle's.
She grabbed the plastic stick from the sink and walked over to the toilet, pulling the cap from it. Who needed directions to pee on a stick? The thought flickered through her mind as she pulled her pants to her knees and sat down. When she pulled the little stick back up from between her legs, she carefully avoided looking at it. She placed the cap back on it, struggling a little to match the two parts together.
She got up, pulled her pants back into place, closed the toilet, and laid the test on it. Turning her back on it, she walked over to the sink and washed her hands. Her eyes met her own face in the mirror. She looked like crap. Dark circles under her eyes, worried wrinkles on the corners of her eyes and forehead, her lips pressed into a thin line. She looked drained, almost not like herself.
Resting her hands on the sides of the sink, she leaned against it, tearing her gaze away from her troubled features. She looked down at the tap, slow drops rhythmically falling from it into the sink with a low splash. /spanemspan data-preserver-spaces="true"I need to get this fixed./span/emspan data-preserver-spaces="true" Like a dripping tap was any sort of a problem right now.
The steady rhythm of the dripping strangely calmed her down a little. She paired her breathing with the drops and shut every other thought from her mind. In drip drip, out drip drip.
She had no idea how long she had stood there when suddenly one drop refused to fall, breaking the rhythm and, therefore, her meditative state.
"She pulled in a deep breath and removed her hands from the sink, her fingers stiff from holding on so tightly. Holding her breath, she slowly turned around and let her eyes wander down to the lid of the toilet. She didn't even have to walk over or pick up the test.
Two bright pink lines glowed from the little stick, burning themselves into her eyes. She stared at them for a couple of seconds. Then she walked out of the room, abandoning the test on the toilet as if she could also leave everything it meant there with it.
But it caught up to her before she even got halfway through her living room. She stopped dead in her tracks, her throat tightening while her knees seemed close to giving in. She tried to breathe out the air that was still caught in her lungs, but all that came out was a strangled sob.
Her hand shot up to her chest, pressing against her throat as if she could rip away the feeling that had closed around it. Fuck.
"Fuck!" She exclaimed, freeing her throat with the sharp word.
She turned around, walked a few steps back to the bathroom on unsteady legs, stopped again, forced herself to walk back in. The two lines were still there. Still screaming at her.
Picking up the test from the toilet she forced herself to look at it, to face these damn two lines. She needed to, otherwise she probably wouldn't believe it anymore as soon as she put it down again.
"Fuck!" She shouted once more before tossing the test to the sink. Her knees gave in, and she let herself sink onto the toilet, her head falling forward into her hands. The familiar dizziness reached a new peak, making her head spin. Her face buried in her hands, she desperately tried to match her breath back into the rhythm of the dripping tap. This time, it couldn't calm her down. But she managed to steady her breathing enough not to pass out.
She wasn't sure, but maybe she heard her phone ringing from her bag in the hallway. The sound was muffled by her heartbeat pounding in her ears, paired with a ringing sound she recognized as the beginning of a panic attack. It had been a while since she had had one, she had managed to get them under control a couple of years after her mother's death. But now she didn't stand a she could do was try to cling to the rhythm of her breathing and wait for the waves of fear that came crashing down on her to fade.