Chapter 36

"We're still going to go see Momma after, right?" Noah questions.

Rafael follows him into the elevator, letting him press the button up to the floor of the precinct. "The minute we're done," he assures.

Noah reaches for his hand. "And your sure I'm not gonna get in trouble?"

He looks down into his blue eyes. "Noah, I promise you, you're not in any trouble." The elevator stops and he leads him out towards the precinct. As they turn the corner, Dodds, Langan, Tucker and Abraham are all standing around, presumably waiting for them, and Noah stops immediately. "It's ok. They're just here to listen. They're not going to ask you any questions."

His blue eyes look up at him and they're a bit watery and it undoes him. Lifting him into his arms, Noah immediate comes undone.

Carisi seems to understand, and he ushers the waiting crowd into Liv's office, clearing the precinct, Amanda coming over to join them.

"Mijo, we talked about this, right?" He cajoles gently. "Aunt Amanda is going to ask you what happened, and all you have to do is tell her the truth, ok?"

"I don't want to!" He cries into his shoulder.

Amanda gives him an empathetic look. "How's about this, Noah? You and I can go into the play room and you can pick out whatever game you want to play."

It's a minute before he answers. "Can we play snakes and ladders?"

Amanda smiles. "Sure, kiddo. C'mon."

Rafael sets him down and Noah reaches for Amanda's hand, wiping his eyes. Before she can lead him towards the play room, Noah turns to him.

"I'll be right out here, promise."

Noah nods, following Amanda to the playroom.

He takes a minute to gather himself before heading into Liv's office.

"Everything ok?" Abraham questions.

The anger flips like a switch inside him, and before he can unleash it on Hank, Fin steps in. "Don't ask stupid questions, Abraham."

Hank turns to Dodds. "You going to let him talk to me like that?"

Dodds scoffs. "He said it a lot more diplomatically than I would have."

Sensing the tension in the room, Langan attempts to re-direct them all. "Can we focus on why we're here?" Pulling out his phone, he makes a phone call, putting in on speaker. "Olivia, you're on speaker. Detective Rollins just took Noah into the playroom."

"Who's all in the room?" She questions.

Langan looks around at each of them. "Chief Dodds, Detective Tutuola, Lieutenant Tucker, ADA Barba and Deputy Commissioner Abraham."

"Are we good to get started, Lieutenant?" Tucker questions.

"Yes."

Tucker moves towards the two-way mirror, flicking on the intercom.

Amanda's voice fills the room. "Oh no! Another snake!"

Noah smiles. "That's the second one in a row!"

She offers him the dice. "Your turn."

Noah shakes the dice between his hands, letting it drop on the table between them. "6!" He moves his game piece along the game board.

"So Noah…..would it be alright if we talk about what happened?"

"Papa said all I have to do is tell you the truth."

Amanda nods, rolling the dice. "That's right. Can you tell me what happened at school? When you were out on the playground?"

"Me and Jeremiah were playing tag when everyone started screaming."

"Do you know why they were screaming?"

"…there was a loud bang….Mr. Martin was yelling at us to lie on our bellies."

"And who's Mr. Martin?"

"He watches us when we're outside."

Amanda nods. "What happened next, Noah?"

"Me and Jeremiah were on the ground for a long time….there was another loud bang….my chest started to feel funny….I was really scared."

Rafael hears the waver in his voice and he shifts on his feet.

"What happened when the police arrived?"

"It was really loud….there were a lot of kids crying and screaming….I was crying," he admits. "My chest was feeling worse so a teacher took me to the doctors."

"The paramedics?" Amanda clarifies.

Noah nods. "….that's when she showed up….I tried to tell the doctor that she was a stranger but my chest was hurting….she got in the ambulance with us and she followed me….when the doctors left, she wrapped me in a blanket and took me." Tears have welled in his eyes and he wipes them away. "….my chest feels funny."

"He needs his inhaler….we need to stop…..I didn't bring his inhaler."

"Top drawer in my desk," Liv responds over the phone.

Going to her desk, he retrieves the inhaler. Trevor offers him his phone, and he takes it, leaving her office. He tries not to dwell on why it didn't occur to him to bring one with him, considering how up and down Noah has been emotionally, letting himself into the room. "Hey, Mijo….I've got your inhaler here. Momma's on the phone."

"You're doing such a great job, sweet boy," Liv encourages.

Noah accepts the inhaler, shaking it for a few minutes before bringing it to his lips. Kneeling down next to him, he watches as he inhales the medication deeply before taking another one.

"These games are pretty dusty, huh?" Amanda comments.

Noah nods. "Can we go now?"

"Not yet," he answers. "Finish telling Aunt Amanda what happened, ok?"

"Can you stay?"

He shares a look with Amanda. "I have to wait outside, mijo."

Noah nods.

"How does your chest feel?" Liv questions.

"Better…..love you, momma."

"I love you too, Noah. So much, honey….you are so brave."

He presses a kiss to his forehead, levelling his gaze to his. "Almost done."

. . . . . . . . . . . .

Dodds closes the blinds to the two-way, flicking off the intercom.

"What are you doing?" Hank questions.

"Giving them privacy," Dodds answers incredulously. "They don't need us staring at them right now. And before you imply it, ADA Barba isn't in there coaching a five year to change his statement."

Tucker moves to sit on the couch in Liv's office. "Counsellor, you recored Noah's first statement; has his version of events wavered since?"

Langan shakes his head. "He's going to tell you next about the gas station and his sweater, then the house Shelia Porter took him too."

"I still want to hear it from him," Hank reiterates. He circles Liv's desk, moving to sit in her chair but Tucker stops.

"Don't you even dare," Tucker warns.

Thinking better of it, Hank moves to one of the chairs opposite her desk instead.

It's a quiet, tense few minutes before Rafael joins them again.

"Is he ok to continue?" Dodds questions gently.

Rafael nods, not trusting his voice. He hands Trevor back his phone.

Dodds pulls up the blinds, turning the intercom back on.

"You didn't recognize anything? Trees? Houses?"

Noah shakes his head. "I put my sweater in the trash can so that Momma could find me."

Amanda smiles. "That was such a smart thing to do, Noah. Uncle Carisi and I found it right away."

Noah smiles a little at this. "….she was really mean….she hit me. That's how I got the scratch on my face…she said she was my grandma but I only have one grandma, grandma Lucia, and one Abuelita."

"What happened next, Noah?"

"I went to bed….she woke me up and tied my hands together." He shows her the bruising around his wrists. "She said that the police were there….I tried to get my hands free but she tied it really tight….I heard a loud bang."

"How many bangs did you hear, Noah?"

"Three. Then Papa was there."

Amanda nods, looking towards the mirror. Dodds knocks on it, turning off the intercom. "Happy?"

Hank shakes his head. "Who was he referring to just then? Papa?"

"ADA Barba," Langan answers.

Hank's eyebrow raises. "Are you going to tell me that you and Benson are married next?"

"Alright, we've entertained you long enough. You've got what you wanted," Dodds interjects. "You can contact my office when you convene the grand jury."

Hank rises from his chair. "….I'm not trying to be the bad guy here. I'm just doing my job."

"Sure you are," Fin answers, opening the door to Liv's office, gesturing him out.

Hank makes his exit, and Fin lets the door slam behind him.

. . . . . . . . . . . .

"Thank you, Trevor."

"….just trying to make it right, all things considered."

As much as she wants to blame him for his part in this, Liv knows there isn't anything she can say to him now that he hasn't probably already said to himself.

"I'll be in touch with soon regarding that paperwork you requested."

"Hoping sooner rather than later."

"Top of my list," he assures. "Talk soon."

She hangs up, sinking back into her pillows. She should probably call Rita and try and get ahead of this. She should probably touch base with Dodds and work out where they go from here. She should probably call Fin and make sure everything is under control at the precinct, see if he's heard anything more on Sheila's autopsy.

All she really wants is to see her son and have Rafael reassure her that everything is going to be alright.

So when there's a gentle knock on her door, she sighs, quickly thinking of an excuse to give Nurse Rudy to push back her daily shuffle around the halls because there's only so much more she can take today.

The door opens, and finding Elliot on the other side certainly isn't what she was expecting.

"Is this a bad time?" He questions.

He's got a vase of flowers in his hand and the sight of him, there, filling the doorway, a little older and yet still the same, causes the tears to well in her eyes. "…I'm not exactly going anywhere."

He smiles, it reaching his blue eyes and he enters her room more fully. "These are for you."

She watches as he places them next to her on the nightstand. "Thank you."

Silence settles between them.

He shifts on his feet, his brows furrowing together and it's all so achingly familiar and overwhelming.

What about me?

"….What are you doing here, El?" She questions softly.

His focus is trained on the machines she's hooked up to. "You had me listed as your emergency contact-"

"-And after 10 years you just decided-"

"-I get this call from a hospital saying that you've been shot and you expect me not to come?"

All the times that she had hoped, and prayed, and begged to whatever god that would listen, for him to be there, to show up, to recuse her, to comfort her, be by her side, settles heavily in her chest and her throat tightens at the anger and hurt that's lodged itself there.

She can't look at him.

It hurts too much.

"….Liv, I'm sorry," he whispers.

"You're sorry for what?" She questions. "For leaving?"

What about me?

"…you're sorry for walking out…for not giving me the courtesy of telling me?"

"Both."

Her chest feels like it's going to explode.

"…I thought if I talked to you about how-"

"-you walked away," she provides angrily. The tears have blurred her vision and she fights to keep them from falling.

She's cried enough over him.

"Liv, look at me."

She ignores his request. "Cause that's what you did, Elliot….I had to find out from Don-"

"-Olivia-"

"-you were the most…" her voice catches in her throat. "single most important person in my life-"

"-Olivia-"

"-and you just…" she shakes her head, wiping her eyes quickly. "Disappeared."

Silence settles between them and everything, all of it, the pain, the agony, the abandonment burns as fresh as it did 10 years prior.

"I was afraid."

She scoffs at this. "Of me?" She questions incredulously.

"…if I heard your voice, I wouldn't have been able to leave."

What about me?

She swallows the lump in her throat.

There was a time where she would have clung to that, clung to the possibility that he could have chosen her.

And a part of her wants to ask more questions, wants to know what happened after he shot Jenna and understand why he had to leave the job once and for all. But there's a bigger part that simply doesn't care, angry and hurt from 10 years of silence.

The door opens abruptly and Noah spills inside. "Hi Momma!" He stops immediately at the sight of Elliot, retreating back into the hallway.

Rafael is there, and Noah turns into him. He takes in the scene in-front of him, and the tears in her eyes spilling down her cheeks sends his blood boiling. She quickly attempts to hide it and his gaze connects with Stabler's. "You should leave."

"Liv-"

"-Now," Rafael cuts him off.

Elliot quickly wipes his own eyes, nodding. He opens his mouth to say something, but thinks better of it, turning instead, leaving the hospital room.

The minute the door shuts behind him, the sob that she's trapped in her throat escapes and Noah is climbing onto the bed on one side, Rafael sitting on the other.

"Did he scare you too, Momma?" Noah questions worriedly.

Rafael is reaching for her and she attempts to keep it together so as not to worry her son any further. "No, sweet boy." His arms wrap around her tightly and she's fighting a loosing battle as the tears only fall faster.

"Then why are you crying?" He continues to question, his voice wavering with his own emotions at seeing his mother upset.

"Your Momma hasn't seen Elliot in a really long time," Rafael answers, rubbing her back. She's practically shaking next to him and Noah's eyes are filling with tears and he's only just keeping his own emotions at bay. "And that brings up a lot of big emotions. Sometimes we adults need to just cry it out too."

Noah nods, accepting his answer. "Papa?"

He continues to rub Liv's back, sift his fingers through her hair. "Yes, Mijo?"

"Momma and I are really lucky to have you cause your hugs are the best when I'm feeling really big emotions."

She smiles through her tears, squeezing him a little tighter. "They are," she agrees from his shoulder.

tbc