She still sits on the couch staring into the dying flames long after Castle's gone, worrying her bottom lip, his words playing endlessly on her mind. I've done this once already, Beckett. It ended badly. We already started badly. How worse will it get if you decide to do this with me only to see that it's yet another mistake?
She has no idea. Absolutely no idea. She's only known of the pregnancy for five days now. Five days! She groans, runs her hands over her face, into her hair. She never expected to have to deal with something like that. She's not the type of girl who let something like that happen. She's controlled. She's careful. And especially since Will, the first guy she thought might be her one-and-done before he just went to Boston and presented her with the fait accompli, she was keen on not letting anyone close to her again.
And now, she gave into her feelings for one night, was careless for one night, allowed herself to not be the woman with the murdered mother and the complicated relationships only to be met with this joke of a situation.
Pregnant. She still hasn't really wrapped her head around it. It still feels way too surreal. She means – what has really changed apart from the nausea and aching breasts? No big belly, no movements, no ultrasound pictures in her wallet, no thinking about baby names and choosing the first outfits.
A sob escapes her broken lips.
She is pregnant. And as it appears right now, alone with it. Yeah, well, not alone alone, but emotionally alone. And on top of it all, the person she wants the most right now, is dead. And not only dead but murdered by a hitman and the unresolved case is still hanging around her neck like a weight that's pulling her down, underwater. She barely manages to stay above the surface, what if something happens and she goes under again?
He says he needs time, but how much time? And time for what? Time to forgive her? Time to be ready to do this together as a family? To at least think about the option? Or time to close up and be distant?
Does he even want more kids? She fell deeper in love with him, watching him with Alexis, seeing him as a father, how different, caring, loving he then is. But what if Alexis is enough? She's his special girl. What if her child will never get this Castle as its father? Or, god, what if Alexis resents the baby? What if Castle has to choose between Alexis and the baby of some cop fantasy he accidentally knocked up? How will she ever measure up to that?
Hasn't she seen clearly at his book party how different their worlds are? How shiny and glamorous, exciting and luxurious his is and how much hers lags in comparison?
What if this has happened before? He has a scandalous past. How many children does he have that he wanted anything to do with?
How is she supposed to do this? She came here clinging to the tiny spark of joy she experienced when the stupid test was positive. She was happy for a split second, then she freaked out as she does now.
Damn.
Why does she always have to ruin everything?
Maybe, with time, they really would've had a chance before. But with the pregnancy now?
Maybe it was a mistake to come. Maybe she just should've waited until he was back in the States in two months? She wouldn't have been huge by then. Probably not even showing. Right? It takes some time at the beginning? What did her app say again about how big the baby is now? The size of a pea?
She's going to see it next week. On her birthday. Alone. Because Castle is tight up on another continent and even if we'd be in New York, would he even want to come?
The sleeplessness is making her mad, letting her not think clearly, turning her into a completely different person, she doesn't recognize. She just feels weak and emotional the whole time. Well, that's probably hormones, too. Lanie told her something about a cousin of hers who cried all the time? Yay to hormones.
Only three weeks old and already this baby is in control of her life, giving her panic attacks, and sleepless nights. Yeah, well, the sleepless nights are rather born from her anxiety and the mistakes she made.
But she meant what she said to him earlier. He was not a mistake. Is not and could never be. She's never felt more safe, more at peace and at home like she does with him – not only that night, but all the time he shadowed her as well. Despite how mad he drove her, she could always count on him, always feel his calm, reassuring presence behind her, anchoring her.
She knew when he dove into her mother's case. Even though he was bulldozing her, choking her with the weight around her neck, she still felt safe and less alone, still felt the hope that they could really solve the case together. After he showed up at the precinct again after giving her time, after working with him side by side in that case, with the Russians and the stupid stunt he pulled, she felt it again.
He made her braver, calmer, better. She needs him. And it scares her even more, how much she needs him. She could totally manage without him, yeah, well adjust again, but she doesn't want to. She likes herself better with him than without him.
The thought of losing the unique connection between them because of the mistakes she made, is robbing her of her much-needed sleep. How long can a human being survive without sleeping?
Does sleeplessness hurt the baby? Her hand flies to her flat stomach on its own.
Getting rid of it never once occurred to her, even though Lanie tried to calm her down with the "options". She keeps holding onto the spark of joy she felt, the images she saw in their night of the future she dreams of.
Without the baby, she would've never allowed herself to even think about it. She would've pushed it away, buried it deep, probably also part of the reasons she ghosted him after the whole debacle. She would've talked herself out of it.
But now it seems within reach. And when she closes her eyes, her hand still warm on her belly, she sees images of her in the loft, sitting on Castle's huge, forbiddingly comfortable couch, watching a movie with him and Alexis, her hands and his joined over her swollen belly, the baby moving underneath.
No, she's not giving up. And she'll never will because this baby deserves to have Castle as a father, deserves to have his loving family, deserves to have a whole family as long as there is still hope for it.
And he only asked for time. Not for her to go back to New York. He didn't throw her out. He took care of her. So, there is still hope. Her fears be damned. She holds onto the spark of joy she felt when the test showed the second line, holds onto her dreams of their future together, holds onto the wonderful, loving man she sees when she looks at him.
He needs time. She'll give him time, she won't talk about it again, before he starts talking about it. But in the meantime, she'll make him see how serious she is about what she said. She is here because of him. She wants a family with him. And this just happens to be now. That's all.
And she can't blame him for having trouble believing her. She was pretty hard on him.
She is going to make up for it. And as Rosie walks in to the dark living room, still half-asleep she knows exactly how she'll start to prove it:
Give him the breakfast she would've made she wouldn't have been running away scared because of a text from someone whose job it is to care about numbers, not people.
Rosie shows her everything she needs and then she starts preparing the best breakfast he'd ever eat.
Hours pass in a blur, her mind deliciously empty and quiet, too busy with making breakfast and too exhausted to bug her during her work.
When she hears his door open and close, she takes the first look around in … she has no idea. But she's got waffles, eggs and bacon, pancakes, coffee, exactly the way he likes it – she paid attention as well. And just as she's about to finish the last round of pancakes, he stumbles into the kitchen, hair mussed, eyes sleepy, still not really awake by now. Her heart beats faster, runs to him, to a future where this is their every day, where she just gets to walk over, bury her hand in his hair, let her fingers trail over the muscles on his bare chest, and do naughty things to him on the breakfast table.
She quickly shakes her head, willing the heat in her cheeks to disappear as she sees what caught his attention. Rosie. Lying on the couch reading his book. Hmpf. Yeah, better do your homework, girl.
"Castle, you might reconsider who you spend your time with", she says trying to hide the unreasoned jealousy in her voice, desperate to feel his attention on her, to make him see.
"Huh?" His head snaps to her, his eyes widen as he takes her in - only dressed in an oversized T-Shirt, her hair roughly tied back just to get it out of her face, feet bare. The intensity of his gaze prickling on her skin, she quickly averts her eyes and concentrates on the pancakes before they burn, saving them from the pan at the last minute and putting them on the stack with the others.
"Kate, have you made all of this?" Her heart leaps at the way he says her name, dips her head to hide the blush caused by his impressed tone, so she just shrugs, takes his cup, and presses it into his hands, without meeting his eyes. She's a coward, she knows it. "Uhhh, there's bacon!" He tries to steal a piece but she's swatting his hand away fast, glaring at him. She might've made it for him, doesn't mean he can just grab it. He goes for the hot, crumbled eggs instead, burning his mouth in the process, dancing around, waving his hands to cool the hot content in his mouth, and it's hard for her to hide her smile.
"Uh-huh," Rosie chimes in from the couch with a loud yawn, "been at for three hours now, even sent me in the village to grab some eggs and bacon." Yeah, maybe she's been a bit bossy this morning. "And then she told me that I am a liar."
"What? Why?" Castle's eyes are burning on her cheek, making her blood boil. She knows he can do the math. That she spent three hours in the kitchen before nine means that she probably didn't sleep. She couldn't. Her mind too wired, too worried, trying to find a way to fix their relationship.
"She called herself your number one fan. But she didn't even get the details of the balcony scene right." She rolls her eyes, sighs irritated before she finally meets Castle's eyes, the intensity of his gaze is sending shivers down her spine.
"Is that why she's reading it now? To check who's right?" There's amusement in his tone, lighting up the blue in his eyes, making her breath catch.
"I am, of course. But she doesn't want to believe me. She said there was no moment between Rook and Heat." Castle's eyes dance with mischief and pride, a soft smile – not the smug one she expected – tugging on his lips, he knows that she's right, it's his book, after all. And she's read this book like ten times, maybe dreaming of her and Castle in that scene, overanalyzing how much of his own feelings might be hidden behind his words.
"Oh, my gosh!" Rosie exclaims at that moment. "They really have a moment on that balcony! How could I've missed that? Ah, and such a good one! Okay, I relent with grace, Kate, you're his number one fan." Kate blushes and dips her head to hide her smile, god, this feels way too much as if she'd be fighting with Rosie over him. Which she doesn't. At least not really, right?
"Oh, no, no, no. She needs to prove herself further, don't you think, Rosie? She was the inspiration for Nikki, of course, she'd be paying attention to something like that. No, she needs more than that to earn the title." Castle looks at her as she meets his eyes again, his eyes still dancing, challenging her. This time, she lets him see her confident smile.
"Okay, game on. Fire away, Castle." She can see how surprised he is that she goes along with it, that she doesn't play it down. She tried to hide how much she loves his books, how much they mean to her, how much it means to her that he wrote a book about her. He's her favorite author, his books kept her from drowning after her mother's death, she knows them all inside and out. Having him write about her, how he sees her still makes her heart flutter every time she thinks about it. Maybe it's time to let him see that, to make him believe that she's not here because of the baby.
"Oh, I want in, too. This is going to be so fun!" Rosie jumps from the couch to join them in the kitchen. Kate's stomach rumbles loud enough for everyone to hear, making them laugh. He sends a relieved glance in her direction, his eyes softly wandering down her body for a moment, making her breath catch.
"Why, Detective Beckett, I think we need to feed you first. Can't risk you starving only to earn the title." Castle grins happily, coming closer to her, looking at all the food she made. It feels light and easy between them this morning. Maybe he really just needed a bit of time to himself to think about everything. Maybe he found room in his heart to forgive her her cowardice. Maybe this is a sign that they'll finally move past it and try to work things out.
She just hopes, begs, that it's not just a truce.
.
An hour later, she and Rosie sit on the couch, Castle in his favorite chair in front of them, his gazes scrutinizing while he fires away his questions to his books, she all answers them without missing a beat, earning her more than one bewildered What?!s from Rosie, even though some of them were so easy she started laughing.
"Oh, come on, this was way too easy. Why did you even say you're his number one fan when you didn't know the correct order of all of his books?"
"You didn't even give me a chance to answer!", Rosie complains, crossing her arms, glaring at Kate, her fiery hair almost seems to be burning in the shine of the fire.
"Okay, ladies, ladies, don't fight. I'll give you another one and because this is a hardcore fan question, it will be worth ten points. So this is your chance, to catch up, Rosie. You might only know this if you paid close attention to my latest interviews." Rosie leans back, grinning confidently, causing Kate to swallow. She didn't watch any interview of him, too caught up in the cases and her self-pity, but according to Rosie's smile, she did. Damn. She's not going to lose this. She leans forward, ready to take the point in wild guessing. "What book am I currently writing on?"
"Bond!", she instantly almost screams. Did he put this question just for her? They've been talking about this. This is why all of this happened because he was going to leave. Rosie looks at her in shock, then starts laughing.
"What? No! He's writing another Nikki Heat." He … what? No. He signed the contract for Bond. She saw Paula's text. He's here now. So, of course, he's writing Bond.
"Point for you, Rose. The title of being my number one fan goes to you." He bows before Rosie who stands up and curtsies, but Kate's heart is racing, too caught up in what he said to pay attention.
"You're writing another Nikki Heat?" She stares at him, her heart loud in her ears, not sure what's happening right now. He just shrugs.
"Couldn't get her out of my system." His gaze is loaded, taking her breath away. "That is why I am doing the extended tour. I asked Paula to negotiate another deal, one that includes continuing to do Nikki Heat. She was ready to murder me, but she agreed." Despite everything, despite how she walked out on him, kissed Demming, was radio silent – he still wanted to stay with Nikki.
"A-And Bond?" Castle sighs, rubs over his face. She thought that he'd still be thrilled to take that offer, despite what he said about dreams changing on their night, but now?
"Yeah, just waiting a day would've been the better decision instead of practically telling Paula I'd do anything if she just lets me write more Nikki Heat", he whines. "But since I begged her and promised to do whatever she wanted, she made me promise to finally go on an extended tour in Europe and write at least two Bonds, then she'll negotiate a three-book deal for Nikki Heat. Gina told me later, that they were already working on the official offer for three new Nikki Heat, the first numbers were already through the roof, they just wanted to wait one more day. And the numbers only got better. So if I'd just stalled Paula for one day, the bond offer would've been off the table anyway, by the insane amount of money for the three Nikki Heats. But yeah, I didn't and now the deadlines are pretty tight with Black Pawn, since they want to release both books next year, of course."
"But you hate this part of your job." She can't really comprehend what he's telling her. He agreed to an extended tour and five books in three years only to keep doing Nikki Heat?
"I do", he agrees, his gaze so sincere her heart stumbles.
"So, you agreed to six months of touring, writing two books in the other six months only because … because …" Her mind is wiped clear from any coherent thoughts. She was trying to trust that he really wanted more with her, that their night meant as much to him as to her, but the fear that he really just wanted to get her out of his system still lingered despite everything.
"I wasn't ready to walk away." Until now.
"And now?", her voice is barely more than a whisper, her heart so knotted, she can't take a breath anymore, her whole body trembling with adrenaline. For a moment, she thinks he is going to lean forward, close the gap between them, and kiss her, his eyes flirting with her lips, but then he averts his gaze and stands up, extending his hand to her. She takes it without thinking twice, letting him help her up, his arm wrapped tightly around her waist. His body is close to hers, but his heart miles away.
"Come on, I'll draw you a hot bath." He might not be ready to walk away, but he also might not be ready for more. Her shoulders sag and the levity of the funny morning is blown to pieces. For a short amount of time, she thought she had him back.