Chapter 16 - Gonna Make It To the Finish Line (Post-TPM)
Author's Note: To all of you who are reading and enjoying this fic... just letting y'all know that we're taking a break from posting. If you want more soon, leave motivating reviews to give inspiration, or preferably, leave motivating reviews on Vision ( which is a Bad Batch OC written in a similar style) because the plan is to finish that fic FIRST before continuing this one. :)
~ Amina Gila
In the end, Anakin didn't leave. He promised to take care of me, of us, after all, and I couldn't be more grateful. I know he won't leave me, and I try to cling to that hope, because it's the only thing that keeps me moving. Admittedly, Temple life can be extremely depressing. I always have to keep on fighting, keep moving. I can't afford to not be one of the best. I must be, and I struggle for days sometimes to make sure I can. It's extremely stressful.
"I talked to Master Obi-Wan after our mission. I know what he did there, he did because he was a Jedi," Anakin had told me afterwards.
I think I understand that after he told me the full story. It's been a few years, and I'm twelve now. Anakin is sixteen. He's grown a lot over the past few years, both physically and in the Force. He's much taller now. Taller than his master, which is something neither of us can stop laughing over. What can I say? It really is amusing. His voice is much deeper than I remember, though it's still much the same. His hair has taken a darker shade of blond from not being constantly in the brilliant Tatooine suns.
He's become a wickedly good lightsaber duelist, too. He's strong, physically, and it shows. He's really good for his age, which is impressive. I... am not. I'm good with a lightsaber I suppose but I've taken to learning other skillsets as well. He's always been stronger in the Force than anyone else, and his skills are only increasing.
It drives me insane that it feels like the Council doesn't care to respect how much he's grown, how much he's capable of. They still hover over him, observing with caution and suspicion.
Anakin will talk about it, sometimes. I know him better than anyone else because we're on the same page in that regard. We know what it's like for everyone to observe our every move with constant, ceaseless, unexplained suspicion.
He talks to me about it sometimes, about how the only other person who takes the time to understand him is the Chancellor of all people. I didn't like him at first, seeing as he almost made Anakin leave Ahsoka and me, but now that I've seen how much good he's done, my opinions have changed. Anakin adores him, and that's all I need to know. I don't blindly trust people most of the time, but I do Anakin, because, well, he's Anakin.
We don't train often together anymore, if at all. Neither do Ahsoka and I, but I still find time every now and then to be with them. I can't wait until I get my own comm and I'll be able to talk to Anakin more often, even if not in person. I feel detached, lonely here. I get extra itchy, lonely, distant, and distracted if I don't touch people much for a while, and I don't understand why the same isn't true for everyone else.
Anakin doesn't spend much time with the Initiates, period, though I know he loves to. He doesn't teach them, so he has more important things to do. Teaching is more for the older Jedi who are no longer going on missions, and sometimes, droids.
He still gets me safely away from being spotted so we can just... be ourselves occasionally. We do the same with Ahsoka, though she didn't make it here today. It's extremely difficult for all our times to line up. Padawans don't normally spend time with Initiates, which I think is stupid. How is a person supposed to take care of a child when they don't know how to handle them to begin with?!
For the first time in ages, Obi-Wan is with Anakin... which means it clearly wasn't half as much a sneak-out-of-class case like I'm often afraid it is. We both do that sometimes. I think everyone does, but we're the only ones who have people get after them for some outrageous reason. It's blatant discrimination and I hate it.
"Finally!" I exclaim. "I thought you didn't care to see me anymore."
"I was busy!" he protests.
"We always are," I remind. And I get it. I do, but I still missed him. I know he's probably not doing this intentionally, but still.
"Don't complain about that," Anakin warns. "If you know my master, he'll find all the most embarrassing things and hold them over your head for the rest of your life."
"Luckily, I don't have any yet," I reply, smugly, "Except when I was first learning to use a lightsaber, which doesn't count."
They exchange glances, and I instantly grow wary. "Actually," Anakin corrects, "That... is not entirely true."
"What do you mean?" I inquire, cautiously.
"I carried you once when you were little," Obi-Wan replies, with altogether way too much cheer, "You apparently had an unfortunate fascination with hair and started chewing on my braid. Something about gold being attractive."
"What?!" I screech. "I don't believe you!"
Anakin raises his hands in a what-can-I-say gesture.
"That's not possible!" I shriek, blushing furiously. Seriously, gross!
"Master Yoda removed all remaining possible traces of Togruta-slobber, as Anakin would put it, the next day," he continues, and I let out a high-pitched shriek and slap a hand over my face. For the first time in my life, I think I understand the "someone shoot me now" phrase. I think I could dig my own grave and die of embarrassment right about now.
"Master, let her off," Anakin requests, trying to stay calm though I definitely sense his odd mixture of embarrassment and amusement. "That's too extreme."
"Really?" he asks, teasingly.
"One of these days," Anakin grumbles, half-heartedly, "You'll do something equally humiliating. I assure you."
"Not likely," Obi-Wan replies teasingly. He's in a surprisingly good mood today, it seems. I wonder what he's been doing because that's not... normal. I sense him reach up to ruffle Anakin's hair, and I could've sworn his presence practically melts into a puddle of goo.
"Can I move?" I ask, finally braving to look up, "Or will I step on you? I think I just heard a wet squishy sound that was your heart on the floor."
Anakin smiles, and it reaches his eyes for one of the first times. He ducks forwards, resting his forehead on Obi-Wan's shoulder.
"I really shouldn't encourage this," Obi-Wan grumbles half-heartedly as Anakin moves closer, wrapping his arms around him.
I smile, moving forwards and wrapping my arms around them tightly. A feeling of warmth spreads through my chest and I snuggle closer. There is no way to describe how much I love these two. They feel like home, my home. I feel safe and protected with them in a way I don't and never could anyone else.
Their presences are light, brilliant. Always have been. Obi-Wan's is... calm. It's like water – always cool. When he's angry it turns to ice; it's cold and sharp and cuts in a way you can never forget. He's not like that now though. His presence shines as brightly as the sun – I always know where to find it, can find it anywhere. And on Tatooine, back at the place I remember it best, it could hurt, if you didn't – couldn't or wouldn't – do what it demanded of you. If you stay too close, if you stay too long, it'll hurt, but it's where home is, always will be, for me. (And for Anakin. I haven't missed that look of blinding, ceaseless adoration he looks at his master with and sometimes, it worries me, because I know what it means. I know what he longs for without asking, know what he longs for that he'll never get.)
Obi-Wan is like water – like ice – the same way Anakin is like fire. His very presence is burning with life, with light and warmth. If you're somewhere alone, in the dark, surrounded by danger, there's nothing and no one you want more at your side. It's addictive, blinding, the way Anakin's light encompasses everything surrounding him. It shimmers, glistens like the sand in the moonlight. Shines brilliantly, bright enough to blacken the entire world, as the moons stand out in the night sky. It dims and brightens, up and down, with his wild, every-changing emotions.
Sometimes I still dream of the star-filled sky on Tatooine, and I can't help thinking, I wonder which star out there is Obi-Wan's, if the tiny dot of light near the moon is Coruscant's sun.
I know where home is, and I know how to find my way back to him. I always will.
**w**
One thing that has never changed as my time as a Jedi – actually many things haven't but still – is my temper. I've never been very patient even if I try to be... nice. Compassionate, Anakin would call it. Empathic. I don't really agree. I don't let myself be stepped all over like Anakin always does. If someone says something to me, I snap back. I cut back, hard, sharp, and unforgiving. I'll feel bad for it later sometimes, but I do it anyway. I act without thinking, despite how frequently I'm told to control myself and think before I act. I don't really know how to do it, and I suspect I never will. (Maybe that's why no one wants me. Maybe that's why I'm... unworthy, or something, of getting a master. Of moving on. I'm twelve already; it's already past time.)
My temper snaps easiest when I face someone who insults someone in my family. It's bad enough for Anakin, but I know how to handle it, because I'm used to it. Because I've always had to. I did when I was little. All I could do was deal with it, stand back and watch no matter what was happening to him. It... was how it was, because we were slaves, and I couldn't do anything. It's different with Ahsoka, because she's my little sister, and it's my duty to protect her. If someone dares say something bad to her, well, they'll have to deal with me.
And that, I think, is how I successfully got in a fight with someone in the middle of a hall. Okay, I should have thought twice about trying to tear someone's head off – not literally, obviously – when almost anyone could see, especially because it sets a bad example for Ahsoka. I know it logically, but something inside me just... snapped. I can't even remember what it was that set me off anymore, only that I'm flooded with the blinding urge to hurt, which I know is bad and wrong, but I can't help it.
"What is going on here?" a voice demands harshly.
I freeze, shame swelling within me to couple with my still-present anger. I pull back, dragging myself to my feet. "Enemies don't wait to think twice before attacking," I blurt out. Okay, it's an excuse and I know that, but I don't know what else to say or do. If I'm trying to make a point of how useless I am, I'm doing it well.
"Really?" the Jedi Master asks, "And is this your enemy?"
I glare sideways at the boy. 'Yes,' I want to snap, but I know the answer, and more than that, I know what's expected of me to say. "No," I mumble instead.
"And while I concede your point," the Jedi Master replies, "I do not believe this was no more than that."
"How do you know?" I ask, instead of denying it. It would be pointless anyway.
She gives me a flat look. "I can sense your anger. I know your reputation. I know he is not from the same class as you, and I can see your shame."
I cross my arms, glaring. Jedi don't normally try to sense one another's emotions because it's a severe invasion of privacy, but it's not difficult to feel if their shielding isn't strong. It's not that I'm not good at it – everyone knows how to do it – I just... let it slip through and show too easily. It's ironic because Anakin is that way too, even if he's an expert at keeping his face blank, and Obi-Wan, predictably, is the exact opposite.
I swear, those two are opposites in every way that matters.
"This," the boy snaps, "Is what why I said your attachment to her is no more than a distraction."
My anger flares again but I struggle not to react; it's exactly what they want, what they're watching me for. To see how long it'll take before I snap entirely, and they can declare I'm not a good enough Jedi and I'll never make it. This is why I'll never get a master and why Ahsoka herself struggles so much. I feel to blame in part for it, and I hate that.
"Tano," she says, "Come with me."
I feel the boy's smugness in the Force; he's glad he got me in trouble. I want to punch him again. Very, very hard. I don't though, because that would make this worse, and I'm already so angry and scared. I should be completely unaffected by this by now, but it always upsets me to hear someone preaching about how I need to "let go" of Ahsoka and Anakin and... everyone I love. What's the point then, if I can't have those I love most? If I can't have the only people who make my life worth living? How can they tell me that's the point of it?
"I have a sister," the Jedi Master – she introduced herself as Sar Labooda or something – tells me. "She is a Jedi as well. We were found and taken to the Temple together, and we were raised here. The only ties to our past we had was each other, but if we wanted to be Jedi, to help people, we had to let go of each other."
"Then what if I don't want to?" I retaliate. They don't understand. They never will. No one – except Anakin – knows what I want through for Ahsoka. I might not remember much from when I was young anymore, but I remember that.
"You chose to join the Order," she points out, "And leave your past life behind. Would you be willing to make that nothing? To leave behind the only life you've lived? To leave your duty to help others?"
I bite my lip, turning away. I know it, I'm just being selfish again. It's a question now of if I'm willing to keep fighting back or give in and let them have their way. Anakin always does the latter, but I don't know how he does. I can't, not always anyway. It's only causing more problems for me in the long run, but I can't stand hearing this. I struggle sometimes, about what's true and what isn't. I just get so confused.
I didn't choose it, I could argue, but that's not a route I'm going down.
"Is that it?" I ask her instead, frustration mounting. I won't back down from this; I can't. That would make me a coward. "If they call me out at being useless because I'm not normal, I should do nothing?"
"You should laugh at them," comes the answer, "Unless you think it's true."
I breathe in and out, slowly, like I've been taught to. It does help a little in releasing my frustration, and it would do no good to snap at her. She's a Jedi Master, after all. It would get me in trouble. "I understand," I concede finally, giving in. I trust Anakin, maybe more than myself sometimes. I know what he would say: not to argue it.
She nods. "Good. You must learn control young one." She pats my shoulder. "It will take time, but it will pay off."
I nod (disbelievingly, of course).
I watch her leave in silence, bitterness and resentment twisting inside me. They'll never understand, and I'll always be something of an outsider. It's simply a fact and fighting against it or resenting it will change nothing.
"I'm sorry," Anakin says, quietly.
I start at his voice, spinning around. He's leaning against the wall, arms crossed, something regretful in his presence. He'd been so still I hadn't even noticed him. "What are you doing here?"
"I... I skipped out of class again. I'll be going on a mission again and I don't know when I'll see you again."
"Thank you," I reply, sighing quietly. "I miss you, but I'll be fine."
I don't deserve him. I've always thought Anakin is too good for the universe, and... him and Ahsoka both, really. Maybe sometimes – sometimes I don't see everything Ahsoka does for what it really is because I know she has a bit of a selfish streak in there somewhere, but honestly? The fact that she's still as caring and amazing as she is and always will be as a Jedi says an enormous amount about her goodness.
I shift my weight slightly, from one foot to the other, the same way I used to when I was little. "I don't know what to do sometimes," I admit. The only good thing is that even if I'm alone, we're alone together. We still have each other, and that's what I fear most. I can't – won't let him go. We survived on Tatooine because we had each other. I'm alive because of him.
Maybe I'm not worthy of it, but I'm not of anything, really, am I?
Qui-Gon said we were free. It was supposed to be our past, something from years ago, something we no longer remember, but in so many ways it still feels like I'm back there. Like I'm still a slave, because I've never quite been able to understand what it means to be free. It's an entirely foreign concept.
"What does it mean?" I ask, almost helplessly. "They tell us we're free, but..."
"I don't know," Anakin replies, looking every bit as lost and confused as me. "I keep thinking maybe I'll know someday, but it never happens. Every time I think I'm getting there, Master Obi-Wan is... always... you know."
Yes, I know. He's expressed his frustrations about his master many times. I could never forget. I try to tell myself Obi-Wan means best and it's not that bad, but sometimes I'm afraid it's worse than I realize. I don't know though because I rarely see the side of him Anakin sometimes speaks of.
"Maybe we'll figure out together," I offer, though I don't dare say how much I doubt that. I doubt it because I've been searching for years and found nothing. I was five when Qui-Gon freed us. I'm twelve now, and I still don't know. Sometimes, I think I never will. Or maybe it's that I'm not what I'm supposed to be, and I'm too unworthy to find it.
Anakin and I – we both know what it's like to never be enough. We try. We do. Always have. Sometimes, I want to stop trying because I don't think I'll make it. I still have the duty of protecting Ahsoka though, and my place as an older sister matters more than anything I would or could want. Anakin is still here with me, too, like he is right now, and I know he always will be. It's selfish to want to stop, so I won't.
"I'm sorry," Anakin says, something in his eyes pained. He understands exactly how I feel, what I need. We always understand each other that way.
"I don't understand it," I mumble. "I just want – someone to put a claim to me. To want me." I want a father. I'm tired of looking to the skies and wondering where or when such a person could come into my life when I know so well how. Maybe somewhere deep inside, I know who, too. Maybe that's why I latched onto him when I was little. Maybe it wasn't only because he was bright and light in the Force, and because of the newly-forming bond I had with him – they're overwhelming if they're rare, which it was for me. I think I know somewhere deep down, but I'm too afraid to give voice to it, because it hurts too much. Because it's nothing more than a fantasy.
"Do you believe that?" Anakin asks, voice strained. "Do you really think that?"
I close my eyes, turning away. Breathe in and out. The Jedi Master's words to me before leaving play through my head again. Don't you get it, Ashla? You have no reason to react unless they're right, but – but they are right, aren't they? "Maybe," I whisper. "I'm not enough for them and I don't think I ever will be." It hurts so much to give voice to my greatest fears, but I need to. It's... for the best. Anakin can help me. He always will. Sometimes, I wish I could put a name to our relationship, but... I don't think about that, either, because I'm not supposed to. I'm a Jedi. We don't have... families. "I don't think anyone will ever... want me. Except you, of course."
"Did you ever wonder what Ilum was telling you?" Anakin asks, spinning me around, his hands on my shoulders. There's a burning intensity in his eyes that I know so well.
"Of course, I have. I had trouble trusting in the Force back then."
"Yes," he agrees, "But there's more than that. I faced my greatest fears there even though I wasn't part of a gathering. You were afraid of being alone, of being left behind, but Drisor came back for you. That's what the Force was trying to show you. You're not alone. We'll always be there for you. Trust in the Force."
I lay my hand over his, squeezing it tightly. I don't know how else to express my gratitude. Without him, I wouldn't be here anymore. "You should talk to him more," I advise. "I know you'd love each other." I could easily see them becoming close friends. Just the way their personalities are and all, and it's the only way I can think of to repay him for his kindness.
"You've said that before."
"I'm serious," I grumble. "You hardly have any friends here." It's simply not fair. "Don't claim that doesn't bother you, 'cause I know it does." Someone would have to be blind not to know. To Anakin, his friends are family, and I know full well from Tatooine that family is more important than anything else. Being a Jedi is all about following the will of the Force and doing what needs to be done even if it requires sacrifice, but I'm certain there's a balance between the two. It's a matter of where and how to find it.
Anakin smiles, almost shyly. "You don't need to worry about me, Ashla," he reminds me at last. "I trust him because you do, but just because you're friends with someone doesn't mean I have to be. I –" He falters for a moment, then continues. "You're my best friend, but we have different lives. Our choices aren't... exactly the same."
It's spooky that he sounds so old sometimes. "I know, but I just..." I sigh, trying to word this right without sounding like an idiot. I probably do anyway. "I know it's not like being able to grow up with someone. Someone who you can deal with problems through together." I'm close with Anakin, but he's already way ahead of me. I can't relate to the things he struggles with, not really. Emotionally yes, but not other than that.
"I know, I know." He suddenly smirks. "But Drisor's not my age anyway."
I groan. True enough. "Still, you'd get along well and it's always better to have one more person, right?"
Anakin shakes his head. "It's hard enough as it is. I... I don't want more. That would mean I'm not satisfied with who I have. I am."
My lips twitch into a smile and I turn towards him, wrapping my arms around him tightly. He pulls me tightly into a hug and as always, all my worries seem to fade away like they always do when I'm around him. Everything is still there, but I for once know everything will be alright because he'll make it alright.
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