"I believe we had a talk about this..." Eris' gaze is the coldest I've ever seen from her, to be quite honest it's terrifying, because it isn't emitting much bloodlust at all. Well, I now that doesn't sound quite right, but let me explain it.
Eris has the ability to release huge amounts of bloodlust whenever she so pleases, it's something I'm used to, but it's also something she has to consciously do. Right now though, her cold gaze is a subconscious reaction, unplanned hatred.
Thankfully it's not really aimed at me! Subaru Natsuki just might get to live another day...! But it's aimed at Megumin, a girl who I absolutely cannot let die, specially due to my debauchery.
Which is why I put a fake smile on my face. "Hey now... Eris, I now we did talk about not adding Megumin-Tan to the harem, but things change right? Circumstances change." I nod to myself. "There is nothing more important in this life than context, so let me give it to ya." Yep, and then you can stop glaring death at my angel.
Eris waves me off. "I don't want context, so stay silent for a while Subaru." Ah, she told me to shut up, now I can't even dig my way out of the grave I dug myself in! No, but seriously, please let me talk. "I just want to hear what that brat has to say." Probably something that isn't very smart, she's a Gumin after all.
Now freed from my kabedon, the white haired explosion menace walks closer to Eris, a smug grin atop of her pale face. It's a beautiful sight in a disturbing way, akin to a human putting his head inside of a tiger's mouth.
Which is obviously a very stupid thing to do, as expected of a Gumin. "What I have to say...? Not much really, except for the fact that I..." She points at Eris, and tries to commit suicide by words. "Am the head wife now! I'm always on top after all." Even as she says that, her whole body trembles in fear.
This Isn't just a human putting his head inside of a tiger's mouth, this is a human poking that tiger's eyes, then putting his head on that tiger's mouth, and then poking his eyes again! It's crazy even for a Gumin!
Eris pulls on her shirt, almost lifting her up from the ground. "Don't even think about being the head wife, don't even think about being a wife at all!" She looks at me, her face filled with confusion. "Seriously, why her Subaru!? Love yourself a bit more!" W-what's that supposed to mean...?
I clear my throat. "W-well... You see, like I was saying, context is important..." Isn't Eris acting with a bit too much agression right now? Maybe, or maybe not. The truth is that I never pissed off Eris this badly, so I wouldn't know what's her normal reaction to something like this.
What I do know however, is that Eris had a tough time yesterday, and that has definitely messed up with her mood. I should have talked with her before leaving... but I also didn't want to wake her up... Relationships are complicated, as expected.
Her glare returns, fully concentrated at me. "Subaru, didn't I just tell you to stay silent?" You did yes, but you also clearly asked me a question! Besides, it's not like I can just stay silent while you beat MMT up.
Megumin snorts, her face is full of fear, but she doesn't hesitate for a moment. "To me it just sounds like you're being scared of Purge King having a good explanation. Definitely not head wife behavior, that's for sure." You have suicidal behavior.
Eris' eye twitches, but to my surprise she actually drops Megumin. "Fine, you're right, I'm just looking for an excuse to skin you alive and break you in two." Don't say such scary stuff! "Subaru, explain! Give me that so called precious context!" Yes, MMT managed to give me a chance in convincing her that everything is okay!
Now I just need to develop a silver tongue! This is gonna go horribly... "So remember that talk I had with Wolbach yesterday...?" She nods, raising an eyebrow while she does so. "Well, we were discussing this thing called soulmate. It's a long story though." It would eat a whole chapter in a novel.
Eris sighs. "I'm always willing to listen to what you say, so don't worry about length." That's so sweet...! And also not technically true, since you told me to shut up a moment ago, you were... are angry though, so it's understandable.
So now where do I begin...? Right I have to smile and... "Thanks Eris." My fiancee is perfect... and also very insecure. What kind of girl just let's a guy explain himself after breaking a rule in a polyamorous relationship that they both agreed to!? Probably not a lot of girls.
I take a deep breath. "So I have a hundred soulmates! And I have to seduce them or they get depressed, and if they get depressed they may get sad and stuff! And Megumin is my soulmate... Just like you!" It was a very quick explanation.
In fact I felt like a machinegun of words, but I can give her more details later. Right now all I want to do is defuse Eris before she shows Megumin what an actual explosion looks like. A very gory explosion of course...
Eris squints her eyes towards my direction, for a moment I truly believe that she's about to kill me. "Um... 'Kay. Subaru wouldn't lie to me, and I can just confirm stuff with Wolbach later too... she also wouldn't lie..." Suddenly a shiver of fear runs through her body. "I'm supposed to manage a hundred of them...? Wait, am I even a soulmate...?" I...
I send her an immediate thumbs up. "Of course you are! No, you're not just a soulmate, you're the soulmate!" She actually believed me!? Without needing me to give some crazy proof or whatever!? All people named Eris are perfect.
Eris giggles. "I guess I am, aren't I? Yeah, out of a hundred I'm the best..." Did I just give her a confident boost too!? That's great! That's better than great, things are going absolutely perfect right now!
Megumin sends Eris a condescending stare. "What are you, a kid? Don't tell me you're actually buying all of this bullshit." Her stare moves to me. "I'm not like her by the way, don't think I believe you for a second." Please don't put us back in that grave.
Megumin points at me. "I mean, seriously, a hundred soulmates!? You just want an excuse to bang a hundred girls don't you!?" She then starts muttering. "Including my mother and my sister for some demented reason..." I wish I was just a common pervert...
The Arch Mage huffs. "I'm your girlfriend now Subaru, so stop trying to make perverted excuses... I know you're too stubborn to stop anyways." It was not an excuse though! You have to believe me!
Eris immediately lifts her up by her shirt again. "I'm breaking all of your teeth, brat." Why though!? Things were going fine just now, so why did you hop back on the beating up Megumin train!?
Megumin is back to being pale. "I like-." I interrupt her before she can say anything else. If MMT actually does something like invite Eris to a fight she might genuinely lose all the bones in her body.
So I raise my voice and shout over hers. "Eris, please don't turn Megumin into a Deadgumin!" Well, Aqua could always bring her back, so it's not too bad really! Like hell! Of course dying is bad, I of all people would know!
Eris looks back at me, but she doesn't drop MMT. "She deserves it though! Can't you see she's like... like one of those evil femme... femme..." Ah, my beautiful fiancee's lack of education is showing.
Megumin rolls her eyes, as she has shown countless times, she does not fear death. "The word you're looking for is femme fatale... And yes, I'm totally one!" Keep your Gumin sensibilities down for one second!
Eris nods. "Yes, that is the word I was looking for!" She then glares at her. "And you admit it!? See Subaru!? She isn't even trying to hide it!" She probably... she definitely just thought it would be cool to have that characteristic applied to her.
But now Eris is going down this rabbit hole no matter what I do. "First she played with your feelings, and then rejected you!" There was no feeling playing. "Then she faked being your friend and seduced you again after learning you're the Sage... And now that she has joined us she's trying to create discord by not believing you!" Well, I did say something pretty unbelievable...
Megumin snorts. "You're a dog, you know that Eris?" And you're asking to get beat up, so stay silent and let me handle this. It's like I can't make any progress at all, because MMT keeps ruining it!
Eris smiles. "Yes, and I'm proud of it. I'm famously known as Mad Dog Eris after all!" G-great, my fiance actually sidestepped the insult! That said, don't be proud of such a nickname! They were clearly trying to insult you as well!
I awkwardly scratch my cheek. "No... Look Eris, Megumin actually brought a good point." And now my fiancee looks hurt, but there's a place I'm going with this. "You're my fiancee... not my toy. If you think I'm lying, call me out, if you think I'm being an asshole, call me out." I actually hope she's doesn't do that, but I'm a piece of shit, so...
Eris' eyes open wide. "I... Of course, don't worry Subaru!" She punches the air, the air that is very close to Megumin. The mage sees death. "I never hesitated to disagree with Rudeus when he was being dumb, I won't hesitate with you." Good.
I will need people to call me out on my bullshit when I have a hundred wives. If all of them were yes women... I would hate that and become an even worse person, of that I have no doubt.
Eris lifts Megumin up even more. "Which is why I disagree with adding this brat to our family. You probably got things wrong and she's not your soulmate." The only time my soulmate radar was wrong so far was with Banahoshi...
Megumin glares back at her. "You sure are saying some cocky stuff... Now, you may have forgotten it, or blocked it from your mind... But you're not even the head wife." Please don't go there, Eris has just recovered!
Now it's Eris' turn to go pale. "I... I'm the head wife..." Technically we are not even married yet. "I met Subaru first, I loved Subaru first. I'm a good, noble head wife who will give him a male heir...!" I don't really care about most of that stuff.
But she clearly does, so... "Yeah, that's right Eris! You're the head wife!" I start pumping my fist in the air as a cheer, and it seems to work as color slowly returns to her face. Well, we will still probably need to have an actual talk about this eventually.
Megumin's smugness and foolishness sadly cannot be contained, and so she whispers. "Satella." Immediately Eris releases her and all my hard work goes undone. My fiancee is now covering her ears.
So Megumin simply raises her voice. "Satella is the head wife! If I need anyone's permission it's her I need to ask, not you! A measly second choice!" If she's the second choice, then what are you!?
Eris doesn't even have enough strength to cover her ears anymore. "Yeah, I guess you're right..." Her face screams despair... And then suddenly a gleam of hope appears. "But Satella isn't even here! So obviously I will manage our family until she returns!" She might never return.
Even if leaving her to go crazy with a Witch Factor feels mean... I wonder if someone like Aqua or whatever could do something about it... Well, I'll leave those kind of thoughts when I eventually go to my supposed dark tower.
Megumin gets a weird gleam in her eyes, it's spells out trouble. "Yeah, she isn't here... right now." Don't tell me you're about to suggest what you're about to suggest. "Subaru, call Satella. Let het settle the matter." You are insane.
My right eye twitches, both with anger and with disbelief. "You cannot be serious. Of course I'm not gonna call the goddamn Witch of Envy to settle a simple dispute!" Okay, mayne it's not simple, but... it's definitely not calling the Witch worthy.
Megumin's lips tremble, and tears appear in the corner of her eyes. "B-but if you don't, I can't be your girlfriend anymore... Please Purge King, for me? For us?" Do you take me as some sort of fool?
I'm not. Which is why I would never deny my Megumin Maji Tenshi! "I'm here, come and get me Sat-!" But before I can doom us all due to MMT's clearly fake tears, I'm hit by something much more devastating.
It's Eris' tears, which are probably very real. "P-please don't call her... She's gonna let the brat enter, and she's gonna kick me out, and she's gonna scream at me, and she's gonna..." She goes on and on, that said...
I sigh. "I doubt she would do anything like that, the only thing she would do is start destroying the world." I can't believe I almost called her just now. What was I thinking!? Right, I was thinking that a sad MMT is a sin.
And Eris crying is a sin too, so I move closer to her, and pat her head. "By the way, even if the Witch of Envy did show up and started demanding to kick you out, I would say no, screw you." At this point my affection for Eris is definitely maxed out...
Eris' eyes widen. "R-really...? But she's the head wife...!" She looks down. "Mother. Father. Grandpa. They always said the head wife should have the final say in stuff like this..." Please don't listen to them! They obviously taught you some very messed up stuff.
I smile. "The Witch of Envy may have been my wife in another life, but you're my wife now, and... Even if you're not the head wife, you're the best wife!" I would like to repeat the fact that we aren't even married yet.
Eris gasps. "W-wow...! Mother always warned me about those, she said they were dangerous..." She blushes bright red. "I'm dangerous...!" You certainly are, both in good ways and in bad ways.
Megumin interjects, she sounds pissed off. "That sounds good and all, but what about me? Am I getting dumped or something?" O-of course not! In fact, I'm sure that Eris will now totally agree with letting you in!
Eris nods with a heart melting wife. "Yeah, you're not getting in, I, the best wife, made that decision!" Ah, did I perhaps give you too much power? This is how the french must have felt when the monarchie came back after their revolution.
I pat her head some more. "C'mon Eris... please? For me? For us?" It goes without saying, but I'm using the same trick MMT used on me. It's probably not as effective though, since I can't use the fake tears.
Eris pouts. "Well... I guess I am in a fantastic mood, so I'll allow it." Critical success! Eris is best girl, best wife, and just the best in general. "But only if the brat gets on her knees and begs for forgiveness for ever having the balls to reject you and then come crawling back begging for a second chance." Actually I was the one begging her.
Megumin raises an eyebrow. "So let me get this straight, you want me to get on my knees and beg, just so I can get into some stupid guy's harem?" Eris nods without a ounce of shame, she does snarl when MMT calls me stupid though. "Satella! He's here! Your husband is right next to me, so come get him so I can join his harem!" O-oi!
Thankfully her screams seemingly do not work, so we just stare at Megumin, mocking her with our eyes. That said, I know a Gumin doesn't give up easily, so I raise my guard, ready for whatever her next move might be.
The next thing Megumin does is... awkwardly imitate my voice. "Satella, I have returned! Come and greet your husband with a kiss!" It also doesn't work. Probably because her imitation is an affront against existence itself.
Eris looks at me, her face devoid of emotion. "Subaru... I shall never judge you for things that are out of you control, but are you really, really sure that you want to share a bed with this... this... goblin?" Eh!? Only Ugly Hobgobbo can pass that title along.
But concerning your question. "Honestly, I'm not sure anymore. Maybe the soulmate thing did misfire..." Surely Subaru Natsuki was destined for greater things than this...? I wish I had Megumin's ability to forget things right now...
Megumin suddenly grips one of my hands, she does the same for Eris. "Okay, you two follow me, I have a easy way to settle this." Huh, you're being super insistent on entering my harem now... Did I carve through all your tsun parts and now only the dere remains?
My War Goddess raises an eyebrow. "And what way is that? I already gave the final verdict and nothing is going to change my mind!" I might need to learn how to fake cry if I wish to progress further...
Megumin giggles as she drags us along... Well, she actually started by only dragging me along, but seeing as I put up no resistance, Eris started to move as well. "There's no need to summon the Witch... She's right here in the village after all." Goddamn it, please don't tell me we are gonna bother Emilia with this!
Panic appears on Eris' face. "B-but I just became the best wife, I'm not quite ready to clash with the head wife!" That's probably on what Megumin is counting on.
I sigh. "First of all, Emilia is not the Witch of Envy with amnesia or whatever. Second of all, your village is being attacked Megumin, shouldn't we do something about that?" Anything is better than bothering Emilia...
MMT rolls her eyes. "You were just fine with ignoring that attack a second ago..." I guess I can't deny that. "And Emilia is definitely Satella! There are no other logical explanations!" There are many other logical explanations!
Suddenly Eris' eyes are filled with resolve. "I... I will do what I must! I will look straight into her eyes, and say that I have become the best wife!" And now, it's more like Eris is dragging us, instead of being Megumin.
A thousand apologies Emilia.
"Let me join Subaru's harem!" Megumin points at the startled and confused silver haired elf. "And pass me the title of head wife! I don't care if you were first or whatever!" Emilia just tilts her head in confusion.
But Megumin isn't the last one to talk, a blushing Eris points at her too. "I... I know this isn't my place to say anything as a measly second wife, but please take my advice and refuse her entrance!" Weren't you about to dethrone her or whatever? Where did that courage go?
I instinctively face palm, something I didn't even know it was possible. But it can't be helped, Emilia is surrounded by Gumins as well, which is just making this situation even more embarrassing.
The worst part is that they are all grinning ear to ear like Christmas has come earlier... And there are so many of them as well, I think this is the highest agglomeration of Gumins that I have ever seen.
Emilia pales. "Um... what's happening right now?" She looks at me, her eyes are begging for help. "Subaru, can you explain what's going on? I'm rea~lly confused..." I certainly don't blame you, this is very much something that has come out from a Gumin's mind.
I take a deep breath. "Please ignore those two... I'm just trying to convince Eris that it would be good if Megumin joined my harem too... And somehow you got dragged into this." Should I tell her about the Flugel stuff?
Emilia seems even more confused. "W-what's a harem...? Actually now that I think about it, Bukkororri did say he wanted me to be in his, together with Lady Frieren..." I'll kill him. "But then all my buddies called him a creep and protected me..." Your... buddies?
All of the Gumins... Dozens... Maybe a hundred of them, do a military salute at the same time. "All hail Satella! The stupidly cute for absolutely no reason! Gap moe is precious!" O-oi...! You guys still think she's the Witch of Envy!?
Emilia gived me a bashful smile. "At first I was mad that they were calling me after her, but they have been so nice, and they don't let me correct them, so... Also, they swore eternal loyalty to me, so it would be bad if I got mad with them." I...
You know what, I'm not surprised a bunch of Gumins have sworn loyalty to the supposed Witch of Envy. It's only to be expected really, though they might object when Emilia has to leave eventually...
Megumin seems impressed. "Oh...? So much like Subaru still does Sagely stuff even without memories, she still does Witchy stuff without hers too." She whisper quietly enough that only I can hear it, so I don't bother objecting to it.
Eris shivers in pure fear. "This... charming a whole village of Crimson Demons... Without a doubt it's her..." Please remember that you are best wife and calm down already.
Emilia hums. "So, are you gonna explain the harem stuff Subaru? And the head wife stuff too..." Man, how do you not know what a harem is? I guess maybe it's not as common knowledge as I thought?
This is awkward. "Um... It's when multiple people, more than two, are in a romantic relationship. Oh, and a head wife is like... the most..." I don't want to say important... "She's the wife who manages everything, and is typically the first person in a harem." I actually think such labels are unneeded, but Eris clearly disagrees.
Emilia gasps. "Wow, that sounds super... exotic." With those words alone I can't tell how you feel about the concept. "So, why come for me then?" Ah, because Eris is... ignorant... And Megumin is an idiot.
Speaking of Megumin, she smirks. "The reason is obvious, you're the head wife, seeing as you are the first person to get married to this guy." She nonchalantly points at me. "Now give me the that special head wife seat!" You're just confusing her even more!
Eris desperately shakes her head. "Don't give her the seat of head wife! All she has done so far is bother Subaru and kiss him, so she should definitely not even enter into the harem!" A blush appears on her face. "And if anyone deserves that title, it's me! The best wife!" MMT definitely brings out your worst parts.
Emilia's face becomes completely red, as if she just heard the most scandalous thing ever. "Subaru kissed Megumin!? Then she should definitely join the harem! It would be super cruel to deny her when she has a baby in the way!" How did your mind reach that conclusion!?
And the worst part is that now Megumin is doing a little cheer while Eris looks completely defeated. I guess in the end this played out in my way though, so I can't exactly complain, MMT is in by the decree of the totally Satella.
Finally Emilia processes the most shocking part of what MMT said. "W-wait, I got married to Subaru!? Since when!?" Oh boy... Well, I do plan on marrying you eventually, seeing as we are soulmates and all.
For now I will correct her though. "Actually Megumin is ju-" I get cut off as a familiar weight throws itself at me with surprising force. I almost fall down, but I barely managed to avoid that fate and hug that weight.
It's Eris of course. "Subaru...! Comfort me! Now!" She actually seems more angry than sad, but an order is an order, so I start patting her head. Huh... Didn't I have something really important to do?
Well, before whatever that was, I must do as my fiancee requested, so I start whispering sweet nothings in her ears. "Don't worry Eris, everything is gonna be okay, everything is always okay when you're here..." The day has barely started and I already feel so tired...
Megumin shrugs. "You two got married in the past and then both lost their memories someway or another. Maybe it had to do with your seal?" Just what do you think you're doing while I'm busy fulfilling my marital duties!?
Emilia almost falls down in shock. "I... I don't really understand love, or anything of the sort... But... it is true that I always felt like something was missing inside of my head... Like a loving memory I forgot." For real!? Don't tell me you actually are Satella!?
There are hearts in her eyes. "M-my husband... someone who loves me... My buddies who swore loyalty... This place is heaven, I need to bring Puck here and then never leave." You're definitely jumping to conclusions!
I free myself from Eris, who has now received a bit of Subaru charge, and look at the elf. "H-hey, Emilia you shouldn't believe everything a Gumin says to you...!" Ah, she probably doesn't even know what I mean by Gumin!
Megumin curses me yet again. "As a future wife I must say..." She pushes me. "When a couple meets each other again, they should kiss!" You really went full dere! Please obtain a bit of tsun back!
With her push, I end up falling on Emilia, she's strong enough that she doesn't fall, and neither do I, but... Our lips do end up connecting. It's just a quick peck, but it was definitely, technically a kiss.
Emilia pushes me back, yet again, I manage to not fall. "S-Subaru...! Subaru! Subaru!" She's just repeating my name over and over again, a red blush on her cute face. Don't tell me this was her first kiss or something... "Aaah...! Puck didn't prepare me for this!" And there's that name again...
Before I can say anything, that voice that announced the Demon King's army attack blares again. "Um... the Demon King's army is invading the village, and has taken the chief and his daughter as hostages. Please... like... evacuate?" The voice sounds confused as it speaks, full of disbelief.
My eye twitches. "You guys let them in!? How!? I thought handling those guys was easy or whatever!?" Did that voice really just say they took Yunyun as a hostage!? And her dad too...!?
Megumin points at the crowd. "That's probably because most of our fighters are here bothering the current, and soon to lose her title, head wife, instead of... you know... defending the village." I look at the crowd. The crow awkwardly smiles back at me.
I wanna go back home, I wanna go back to the academy already!
AN: Sylvia has finally done some progress...! She's so happy she could cry right now.
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