Jyn would have liked to spend that harrowing time in the outside again, but it was raining, in the tropical fashion where the rare occurrence were clear skies. The other night with Chirrut looking at the magnificent show of the celestial bodies had been an exception, and the sky was back to hiding its wonders behind layers of wiping clouds.
Therefore, she, her father, Chirrut, Baze and Ben were waiting in an empty conference room, and she felt numb, just going on autopilot.
She had been so furious when Bodhi had told her, three days before. So angry because Cassian had kept everything to himself (and to hell with the secrecy policy, he should have updated her on what the Rebellion was planning as soon as he knew, almost two weeks earlier). So terribly scared because Cassian, Bodhi and Kay had volunteered to be part of the fleet which would fly clandestinely toward the Death Star orbiting Scarif at present, and all for the purpose of having a very low chance at hitting the exhaust port with a well-aimed shot.
It was very difficult already for the pilots without the added risk of being blown to hell before any of the ships reached the exhaust port.
Bodhi had tried to calm her a bit with the affirmation that Luke Skywalker was the best pilot the Rebellion had ever seen and he was training to be a Jedi because the Force was strong in him, and that might aid him. But his efforts to make her feel better had been fruitless.
Jyn had screamed and cried and Bodhi had held her until she had no more tears left.
And then, she had run to Cassian's quarters, hoping to find him there, and knocked frantically on his door.
THREE DAYS BEFORE
When he opened the door, he looked startled, but upon seeing her, with her eyes red and puffy, his guilty stare showed that he'd immediately understood the reason for her loud knocking. She undoubtedly looked a complete mess, but she didn't care.
"I'm sorry," he said simply, lowering his gaze to the floor, and his lameness infuriated her again. He stepped aside to let her walk in and she stormed inside, unable to help herself.
"You're sorry? You're sorry?," she repeated, shouting. "That's all you have to say?"
"I... I wasn't authorized to tell anyone. And besides, I didn't want to worry you ahead of time. Your father already suspected, so I half expected..." He trailed off. "But it's evident that he didn't told you about his suspicions."
She crossed her arms defensively. "No, he didn't! What, you wanted him to do the dirty work for you?"
A flash of hurt crossed his eyes, which widened the slightest bit, but to his credit, he was good at suppressing it. "No! Of course not, Jyn. I'm a lot of despicable things, but I'd never do that."
"And now what? You're going to play the hero and let yourself be killed for the sake of the Jedi boy?" She knew that she was unfair to be taking it all out on him. That she should be holding in her feral fear for his safety and show pride at his brave decision. But she couldn't bring herself to do any of that. Not if the price would be losing him in all probability.
He hinted at reaching her with his hands, but he decided against it, seemingly aware that she would have rejected the soothing gesture. "Jyn, what other choice do I have? What choice do I have left that would let me leave in peace with my conscience?"
"That I need you!," she blurted out. "That I can't lose you too!" She had uncrossed her arms and her hands were balled in tight fists.
Cassian's stare softened, and it was so painful, because that impossibly tender look melted her heart. "I have to do this. I can't remain idle while others risk their lives. I have the skills required for this mission. What kind of coward would I be if I skipped my duty? I'm sure that at bottom you understand. And that you wouldn't want by your side someone whom you can't respect," he pointed out, and it bothered her because he was right. He'd come to know her quite well.
Jyn kept her mouth shut, pressing her lips together and looking away, at a loss for words. And then she decided that if a few days was all they had left, then it would be stupid to waste their remaining time with a rift between them.
She glanced around. Fortunately Kay was nowhere to be seen, and Cassian seemed to read her thoughts. "Kay's out there running some errands I've sent him for, if you're wondering. He won't be back in hours."
She made up her mind and stepped forward, grasped his face with both hands and kissed him with such force that she destabilized them both.
Cassian at first struggled to regain his balance, lest they both would tumble to the floor, but then he reacted to the kiss with no hesitance. He responded in kind, with the same hunger and unleashed pent-up passion that she'd kept bottled up for years. His eager mouth almost bruised hers with his echoing intensity, and he caressed her lips with his tongue. She gladly took the clue and opened to his heated exploration, in a game of dueling tongues, sighed moans muffled by each other's breaths, nipping and devouring. Never in her life had Jyn felt such feverish urge to consume a man, to eat him alive, and she felt him mirroring her desire, matching her burning intensity. His groans had grown louder in her ear, and she knew that his restraint was slipping away quickly, as quickly as her own.
She wanted to have him then and there. If that was all they would ever have, then she would gladly take all she could.
Jyn lowered to his throat, just below his ear, and licked the sensitive skin there. Cassian groaned again and shuddered. "Jyn... Are you sure of this?," he managed to utter in a gasp.
She drew herself back and nodded determinedly, staring into his hazed eyes, full of wonder. "Yes. I want this. I want you. I've wanted you for a long time."
"I've wanted you too. You have no idea how much," he asserted, and it was her turn to shiver at his gaze. "I love you, Jyn." His admission was enough to rock her entire world. Even if she'd known the truth in her heart, his love confession unraveled something within her.
No man had ever looked at her like that. As if she were the most precious treasure. "I love you too, Cassian."
He smiled and rested his forehead on hers, and she closed her eyes in bliss, in contentment, in peace. Whatever happened, nothing could erase that moment between them, and Jyn was determined to make the most of it.
"A second, please," he requested, and turned to lock the door. "I don't fancy Kay walking in on us. I don't expect him to return for now, but one never knows with him. We'd never see the end of it, I assure you."
Jyn chuckled when the image of an extremely offended (and jealous) Kay crossed her mind. She enjoyed a lot bantering with him and, as much as the stubborn droid claimed otherwise, she knew that he felt jealous of Cassian's attentions toward her in the last weeks, because that meant that he no more had his human friend almost all for himself like before. Well, he'd have to get used to it if there was a future for them all. But she refused firmly to go that dark path for the time being.
She stood on her tiptoes and resumed kissing him, with less urgency than before once their mutual feelings had been exposed, but equally passionate and hungry. He joined her every step of the way, giving as good as he got. His facial hair tickled her skin and she loved that sensation.
Jyn pushed his leather jacket from his shoulders and he let it drop. He did the same with her vest and then they started to unbutton each other's shirts. "I've dreamed of doing this for ages, but you were so far. And I was afraid that you wouldn't want me back. I resigned myself to the prospect that you'd find someone else. It was only natural," she confessed, looking shyly into his eyes.
"Never. Since I first met you, there's been no other women for me." He looked away guiltily, and her heart raced in sudden dread. "But I've done awful things. I've seduced Imperial women in undercover missions. They were just means to an end and I never felt anything for them, despite which I could never shake off the feeling that I was betraying you somehow. It felt completely wrong and unnatural, but you see, I was very good at my job as an undercover spy and I hated myself for it despite fulfilling my goals for the Rebellion." He was holding her face, looking down in shame and trembling slightly. "I hope that you can forgive me and that you believe me when I say that my heart has always belonged to you, even if the rest of me was committed to the cause. But no more. If we have a chance after all this madness, I'll be totally yours if you'll have me."
She nodded against his forehead, with tears in her eyes. "I want to be with you after all this. And there's nothing to forgive. Even if I don't condone what the Rebellion has done to you, I understand that you did what you had to do. And at the time there was very little hope for us to be together, so I tried to move on, but I couldn't. No man ever held a candle to you. And besides, I couldn't ever shake off that flicker of hope."
"Neither could I. I tried to step aside, to keep myself far from you, but it only hurt more, and deep down I never gave up on you."
"Make love to me, Cassian. For once in my life, I want to know how it feels to give myself to a man I love." She caressed his cheeks and his eyes pierced her in wonder, the same wonder her own eyes must be conveying.
Without warning, he lifted her and she wrapped her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck with a surprised gasp. He then carried her to the bed and placed her carefully on the mattress, kneeling in front of her. His bed was narrow, but she didn't care. As long as she could keep him glued to herself, with no space between their bodies, it was enough.
They resumed undressing each other. She admired the lean but well sculpted muscles of his torso and arms and grazed his nipples with her fingertips, revelling in his hiss. He in turn looked transfixed at the sight of her breasts still covered by a plain bra, her nipples protruding through the flimsy fabric. It was a boost to her damaged ego to watch the desire in his pupils.
"May I?," he asked, reaching for the straps of her bra and stopping there, waiting for her permission.
"By all means," she teased, to hide the rush of emotions. That a male cared for her feelings and comfort was still a novely to her. With the sole exception of her last failed dates and one-night stand, no male had ever cared for her as a sentient being. They'd only taken, using her for their own lust without the slightest regard for her dignity as a person. Not that she would have enjoyed that perfunctory, empty, impersonal sex in any way, it was all an act on her part; even if any of her clients had shown a bit of empathy, they were just strangers whose faces she wouldn't even remember later, whose bodies she erased automatically from her flesh as soon as they were done. She almost scalded her skin under the spray of hot water when she had a shower available, or rubbed herself clean with soapy cloths when she didn't. She wished that there was a sort of shower which could cleanse the soul as well, but she doubted that such a thing would ever be invented.
Cassian pushed the straps of her bra aside and reached behind her to unhook her bra, and the garment fell down her arms, freeing her breasts. Cassian's breath hitched and she never had felt more cherished. His raw admiration spurred on something primal in her.
"Jyn, you are so beautiful," he whispered with his voice hoarse. He then looked into her eyes and cupped her mounds gently, always watching her reactions. She whimpered at the brush of his fingers and palms on that extremely sensitive area, and that sound encouraged him. He squeezed and rubbed her erect peaks, groaning softly.
"Suck them, please." She was so eager for his mouth, his soft lips on her, his wet and deft tongue.
"Oh, yes, Jyn."
He began with short, quick, tentative, teasing licks. She arched her back and that was his cue to devour and fondle, switching places in order not to leave any inch neglected. He groaned and closed his eyes as if lost in his rapture. "Such delicious tits," he murmured against her, and she shivered and moaned louder at the low vibration of his voice.
"We're still overdressed," she complained, and he chuckled.
Frantic with desire, they helped each other get rid of the rest of their clothes. She enjoyed the view of his narrow hips, his flat stomach with the abs showing under the tanned skin and the slightly hairy patch that went down to his manly parts. His cock was fully hard. He was well-endowed. It was barely longer or thicker than the average human penis (she could tell from experience), but it was straight and the shaft was as tanned as the rest of him. The glans looked delicately smooth and rosy, and it was already shining enticingly with his arousal. As for the balls, they were full and taut, covered by sparse black hair. She instantly cherised the size and shape of him and the evidence of his desire. For once she didn't mind one bit looking at a male's arousal because that time it wasn't about him pursuing his own selfish pleasure. It was about sharing, reciprocating, giving and receiving. It was about love.
He on his part looked drawn to the cleft between her legs, just hinted behind her trimmed pubic hair. She wondered if he preferred shaved skin down there, with everything directly exposed, but in any case, he gave the impression that he liked a lot what he was seeing.
She felt wanted and that increased tenfold her own desire. She already felt slick and she wondered if he'd noticed the moisture coating her intimate flesh.
Jyn lied down, resting on her elbows and spreading her thighs, encouraging him with her full exposure. She heard him groan once again and watched his pupils dilate even more. "Please," she requested softly. She'd never rendered herself so vulnerable with anyone before. She'd never given herself like she was doing with Cassian on his bed.
And she wasn't certain what she was asking him for exactly, because she was overwhelmed with the possibilities. His fingers on her, in her? His mouth, his tongue? She remembered what her one-time lover from her only sex tryst in the last five years had performed on her. She'd liked it a lot, she'd even orgasmed, but he wasn't Cassian. Now the real Cassian was naked before her and she could hardly believe it. She shivered in anticipation.
"What do you want me to do, love?," he asked so tenderly that she felt the sting of tears again. "Tell me."
"I want your mouth on me," she declared falteringly.
"Your wish is my command." He lowered himself upon her and kissed her mouth deeply. Then he trailed kisses all the way down to her neck, collarbones, the sides of her breasts, her nipples, her stomach, her pubis and at last, after kneeling on the floor and pushing her by the hips to bring her closer to his face, he probed her folds with his tongue, making her jump from the mattress. He held her down with one arm over her hips while he stretched out the other to reach her breasts. Jyn moaned loudly, her body already turning into mush at his bold exploration on her intimate regions.
He licked, sucked, swirled around her clit and penetrated her with the tip of his tongue as far as it could go, making her cry out, grasp his hair to press him closer to her, rock her hips and say the dirtiest things her brain could muster, urging him on. His groans and hums on her soaking flesh enhanced the all-encompassing sensations, and it was all so much more than anything she might have imagined during the past years. She'd known that he was the one for her, like his rapt attentions and her enthusiastic response proved.
He went on and on, drinking from her, eating her alive, his beard and moustache adding the thrill of the slightly rough friction, deliberately bringing her to the edge to suddenly retreat, a naughty grin on his lips. Oh, he knew how to tease, the bastard. But she knew how to tease as well, and she'd retaliate, and it would be such a sweet retaliation.
Cassian at last took pity on her and applied the exact pressure to her clit steadily, and she felt herself flying over the precipice, the explosion spreading right from the center of her blinding pleasure, making her cry out his name, her insides clenching and her legs shaking on both sides of his head. The climaxes she'd experienced beforehand alone in her bed, as well as her only previous release ever with a man, were nothing compared to this.
Cassian slowed his stimulation until her spasms stopped and she dropped on the bed, boneless. He then withdrew himself and smiled smugly at her. Without warning, he dropped beside her and kissed her lips, making her taste herself and she felt elated by the lewd tangle of their tongues.
"Wow, Cassian," she said, and he chuckled on her neck, apparently very satisfied with the results of his expertise.
"Yeah, wow," he mimicked, and she swatted him slightly.
"My turn," she blurted, reaching for his fully erect cock. She couldn't allow it to go neglected for longer. It was his turn to jump when he felt her hand wrapping around his length.
"Jyn, you don't have to," he started to object, but she shushed him with her fingers on his lips.
"Let me. I'd love to," she reassured, conveying all the confidence she felt around him. She'd always hated performing handjobs, and definitely loathed giving blowjobs, even more than she hated males fucking her. But Cassian made her feel like a worshipped goddess and she wanted to try everything with him. "Fair is fair, don't you think?," she asked mischievously, and the flutters in her stomach intensified at the thought of the pleasure she could bring him. She knew well that males loved their cocks to be tended to in different manners. It was due time that she put her knowledge of males' organs to use with someone she was more than willing to please.
"Okay," he nodded, and she reached with her fingertips, making him shiver and hiss. He hadn't softened in the slightest since before he'd gone down on her and she finally took pity on his relentless erection. "But don't make me come yet," he requested, his eyes fixed on her thumb stroking his tip tentatively. His breath hitched. "Fuck, Jyn. You're really wicked."
"Am I?," she asked, all fake innocence, becoming acquainted with the delicately soft texture of the skin in contrast with the pulsating hardness underneath, the protruding veins, and lower, the swollen balls. All that was the main source of his pleasure, and she intended to have him frenzy with desire.
"Yeah, you are," he gasped once more.
Without more delay, she lowered her head and engulfed his tip, tasting its saltiness and gliding her tongue around it.
"Jyn!," he nearly shouted. "Oh, yes, baby." He placed his hand on her hair, feeling for her motions.
She swallowed half his length, drew back, relaxing her throat, and then, she took him entirely into her mouth, managing not to gag. "That's so fucking good, baby. But you don't have to do that if you're uncomfortable," he managed to say between pants, his breath ragged.
Jyn hummed around his flesh and made a dismissive gesture with her hand, indicating that she liked performing that on him.
She then started to move up and down, fondling his balls in the process, and enjoying his heat, his taste, his throbbing flesh, his moans, his cuss words, his words of encouragement, his hands desperately stroking her scalp.
"Jyn, stop, or I'll get there right now, baby," he warned hoarsely.
She let go of him, grinning like the cat that got the cream. "Are you sure?"
"Force, I'd love for you to go on. But if you want me to be able to perform before half an hour or more, we'd better stop that. That naughty mouth of yours would wring me dry so much that I don't think I could function at all after that."
Jyn laughed and felt immensely flattered by his praise to her prowess. "Very well, it's up to you. But in that case I want you to stuff another part of me." She felt playful.
He played along. "Oh, do you? Then who am I to disappoint you."
She dragged herself back on the bed to make room for him, and lied down, spreading her legs once more. "I'm ready," she invited.
He placed himself over her, resting his forearms on the mattress, and rubbed his tip against her entrance. She was soaking wet. "Oh, fuck, Jyn. I'm not sure I'll survive this. You're too sexy," he blurted and she laughed again. She loved that side of him, his sense of humor and the fact that he didn't hold back anything in bed with her, he was spontaneous and passionate.
"Come on, loverboy. Show me what you're capable of," Jyn encouraged.
Cassian slipped into her without resistance, so aroused was she, and her insides welcomed him home. It was as if he'd always belonged with her, like this, joined all the way. A moan escaped their throats in unison and they chuckled in joy. It was so beautiful, so natural.
He started to move back and forth, slowly at first while they both adjusted to each other.
"Harder," she commanded, and he quickened his pace. She spread her legs more to increase the depth of his penetration and changed her angle so her clit received the proper stimulation. "Yes, love, like this. Go on," she spurred.
"Of course, baby. You feel so good. I want you to feel good to," he panted, keeping the exact pace and posture that she already knew would bring her to completion.
"I do. This is amazing." She scraped his back with her nails and placed her heels just below his buttocks, rocking with him.
Their moans reached a crescendo and by then she was certain that their neighbours must be hearing everything, but she didn't care. She was on her steady way to a mind-blowing orgasm and nothing else mattered at that moment.
Then she felt the eruption in waves through her lower regions and cried out. Cassian kissed her deeply and groaned loudly into her mouth, shuddering and throbbing into her. His liquid heat filled her and he collapsed upon her, spent and as sweaty as she was. She kept her legs and arms encircling him like snakes, unwilling to let him go, and they laughed languidly.
"I hope this is enough reason for you to come back to me. You have to, you hear me?," she heard herself saying. "I mean it. I want sex like this for the rest of our lives."
Cassian smiled tenderly and caressed her cheek. "No one will be more eager to come back," he offered.
She didn't ask for promises or oaths, but she needed to trust that he would do everything in his power to return to her.
That would have to be enough.
THE PRESENT DAY
As Jyn waited with the others in the conference room, her memories of the passion she and Cassian had shared warmed her.
Yes, she had to trust.
Trust the Force.